The PIX

Thanksgiving 2011

2011-11-23T07:42:00.000-08:00

After 50 bye weeks the Pix is back for the annual tribute to Marblehead football and their annual scrimmage with the Nahant rotary Zima drinkers.

The Pix is sure that this fierce group of yong men, all of whom have been predicted by the local sports media to trounce the Headers, are fine young atheletes. The Pix just thinks they look more ready to smuggle a few wine coolers onto Preston beach to be ignored by the 01945 co-eds than to take on these animals:

Who look like they want to join Ben Afleck in Chuck town and hold up a few financial establishements. A little joking aside, and with all due respect to Swampscott and their legitimately bona fide coach Steve Dembowski, last years game was about to get out of hand before #20, Quigley, left the game in the first quarter after having his meniscus torn beneath the pile while the referees did nothing. What the Pix is saying is that there is unfinished business this year. And the football gods have ways of sorting these things out.

If there is a theme unique to the Marblehead side this year it is that of fathers and sons. Beginnining with the most obvious....Chris Piper:

and Chris Piper:

The Marblehead Reporter wrote an article this past week detailing the fact that young Pipes lost his mother the day of the Beverly game and still led his team on to Piper field. The Pix has no intention of putting any of this into a football context, but plenty of Pipes' teamates have done just that....and eloquently so; simply stating that they will be feeling the presence of Chris's parents and their spirit this Thurdsay. Pipes will lead them onto the field again and they will be playing with 13 on their side.

More father/son connections on this squad abound. Gus Percy, Bing Bial, Jake Morris and Pipes all have dads who played in this game (if I missed a few, I apologize). Coltyn Dana, Phil Coughlin, John Perry and Kyle McCormack's dads have been watching these kids all play together since the 4th grade. As coach Bial pointed out recently, these kids have had a lot of success playing together. And these dads have logged a lot of practice time, game time, and "coaching" time up in the stands or at the unoficial coaches booth, the Three Cod Tavern. Most of the time a father's interest is a blessing, but for games like the Thanksgiving day game, expectations can be unreasonably high. Teddy Roosevelt wrote this for these occasions:

It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs,
comes up short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
but who does actually strive to do the deeds;
who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end
the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst, if he fails,
at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls
who neither know victory nor defeat.

Piper field will be the arena this Thursday. Marblehead will be without defensive stalwart and captain Joel Katz. And he will be sorely missed. But they will not be without Jeff Peras. They will not be without Tyler Bates or Tom Koopman. They will not be without Rajive, or Bing, or Coltyn, or that complete maniac Tuna. They will not be without #40 John Perry who hits everything not nailed down. They will not be without Schmitt or Zac or Ian. And, unlike last year, they will not be without Quigley:

Speaking of fathers...the Pix was watching "A Few Good Men" the other night for the 71st time and there was a line that reminded the Pix of Will, who's dad was a pretty good athlete in his own time. It was when Lt. Kaffee was about to give up knowing that he really had no case and could theoritically get court marshalled if he went too hard after Col. Jessep (Jack Nicholson for those without cable).

Sam Weinberg: "You know I wrote a paper on your dad in college? Best trial attorney ever".

Kaffee: (resigned) "Yes, he was".

Sam Weinberg: "But if I were Dawswon and Downey and I had to choose you or him.........I'd choose you any day".

Kaffee: "Would you put Jessep on the stand?"

Sam: "NO".

Kaffee: "Do you think my father would have?"

Sam: "With the evidence we have? Never. But here's the thing, and there's no way of getting around this: Neither Lionel Kaffee nor Sam Weinberg is the lead counsel here. So there's really one question: what would you do?"

And although the analogy is highly imperfect, the message is for Gus, Jake, Phil, Coltyn, Bing, Oliver, Jeff....Will.....all of you. You are the ones who have earned the right to be in the arena. You will strive, and err, and shed blood, and know that your place will never be with those timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. This is a special Marblehead squad. For Pipes, for Katz, for Quigs....for all the moms and dads. For coach Chern.....let's go kick some ass.

Marblehead 31, Swampscott 24.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Go Marblehead.

Beat Swampscott.

Closet Case

2011-01-07T07:24:00.001-08:00

For the first time in the short life span of the Pix, The Pix is shifting out of the 3rd person into the 1st. While it's fun to write as an alter ego, I want whatever I end up writing here to be my own words. For those out there who know the Pix personally, you may be wondering what the difference is. I'm not sure, let's just see where this goes......

So the reason for the sudden change of tone is this space is the column by Boston Herald writer Steve Buckley yesterday announcing to the world that he is gay. For most of us in the year 2011, this is not a big deal. But in the world of professional sports and professional sports media, this is a very big deal. Buckley is by no means the first openly gay writer and commentator in America, but i can only think of one or two others off the top of my head. Men's professional sports is a hyper macho culture where violence is omni present and where basically the worst thing you could be was gay. A fag. The social stigma is so strong in the sports world that 2 out of the last three sports writers in America who came out ended up killing themselves within year.

What strikes me as really ironic is that sports in America, other than the military, was the institution more than any other that was at the forefront off the civil rights movement. The football and baseball fields were the first places many white Americans first saw black men. At all. There's a reason that Major League Baseball consider's #42, Jackie Robinson's number, as sacred. Robinson broke the baseball color barrier and has served since that time as the racially metaphorical bridge that represents America's past and it's present. Do you know what year that was? It was 1947. We all know that Robinson's feat didn't transform the country right away. Inter racial marriage wasn't portrayed on television until the 70's with "The Jeffersons". But it was a huge start. And Jackie Robinson is considered an American hero. The fact that no gay male athlete in a major professional sport has chosen to break the "sexual preference" barrier by now, I think, says a lot about our society. And what it says isn't good.

I think a major male athlete is going to come out within the next 24 months. It will be very interesting to see how that plays out, When Magic announced back in 1991 that he was HIV positive, he was forced to retire. When he came back for the All Star game there was lots of talk about certain players boycotting the game. Even Isiah Thomas stopped kissing him at half court before tip off. But eventually, Magic was welcomed back into the league again. Magic says he contracted the disease from unprotected heterosexual behavior, so the analogy isn't perfect, but it's not too far off. That was 20 years ago. Before "Will and Grace". Before "Modern Family". Before the Bravo network.

So back to Steve Buckley. Kind of. The reason his story resonated with me is because it reminded me of the only gay person who was ever in my life and how much I regret never getting the opportunity to tell him I loved him for who he was. He was my uncle Dennis who died very suddenly in England when I was a freshman at Davidson College in 1985. I remember writing him the week I heard he was ill. I never heard back. I'm afraid to say I don't think he even got my letter in time. I don't remember exactly what I wrote. I just wish I had been a little bit older and a little bit more knowledgeable about the world at the time and that we could have had "the gay talk". Maybe I'm having it now. With myself. Thinking of my uncle Dennis. Thanking Steve Buckley.

The Pix......

Chiefs +3 vs Ravens
Saints -10 at Seahawks
Colts -2.5 over Jets
GB +2.5 at Philly

De-motivation

2010-12-31T09:26:00.001-08:00

Several times this year the Pix has relied on de-motivational posters from the internets to leverage someone else's wit and to reduce the Pix' workload when there is neither the time nor the inspiration to come up with anything original. It's kind of lazy. It's kind of cheap. It's kind of a short cut........and there's more where that came from. With just one week to go in the regular season, the Pix is ready to write the year end tribute to the 2010 season attributing one poster to each team. Starting with the NFC......

....To the Redskins. After hiring Mike and Kyle Shenanigan, Dan Snyder thought he had finally begun the process of turning around the 'skins. Then Albert Haynesworth (pictured above) decided that 20 million dollars wasn't enough to make him play in the 3-4 defense and harpooned the season.

.......To the Dallas Cowboys and their fans. Jerry Jones had played the Jedi mind trick on the good people of Dallas by convincing them that Wade Phillips would lead the boys to the first Superbowl ever played on a team's home field. Instead, the evil empire of the NFL continues to more resemble a pack of ewoks.

.....To the Philly Iggles and the Dog Whisperer, of course.

.....And so is the Vagiants season. So this one is for the New Jersey Giants. Way to finish the season, boys.

.....To the Green Bay Packers. The Pix actually took this photo outside of Lambeau field a few years back. This is how they roll in 'Sconnie. Pix likes.

.....To the Minnesota Vikings. Of all the demotey posters you will see, the Pix wanted to attribute roughly half of them to either the Jets or to Breet. But this one most resembles the Vikings season, no? Was there a bigger mistake made this year than Breet coming back, torpedoing the Viking's season, having "sextgate" come out, and to sliding into shameful ignominy for eternity? The Pix thinks not. And he is pleased.

.....To the Detroit Lions. Because while nobody noticed, the Motor City Kitties have built themselves a pretty good football team.

........To the Chicago Bears. Because Mr. Prezzident and his home town Bears just don't seem to understand that perception is not reality. The Bears just aren't that good. They are a horrible 2 seed. Fortunately for Barrack, the Republican party doesn't have anyone as tough as the Pats to expose the obvious fragility of the situation.

........To the entire NFC West. No, the 49ers, Seahawks, Rams, and Cardinals don't get their own poster. How could they? A team with a losing record will host a home playoff game for the first time since 1982, the strike shortened season. Phonies, frauds, stains...............the NFC West.

Um.....to the um..........er, wait a minute.........to the Tampa Bay Bucs. Because, um, never mind.

To the Saints. Because it is hard to stay on top when everyone is trying to bring you down. Good luck to a likable team who would give the Pats all they could handle in Dallas.

......to the Carolina Panthers. Because as locations go..........Charlotte, NC is, well, it's just, really, lame.

......To the Atlanta Falcons. Who, after getting rid of the Dog Whisperer, policed up their program with good coaching, great drafting, and going old school with a great rushing offense and a smart qb.

And for the AFC.........

.......To the Tittsburgh Feelers. Somebody did call the cops and Rapelisberger came pretty close to spending a little time in the Pokey. His four game suspension wasn't enough to derail the Steelers early, but the karma bug came along and bit most of the offensive line, assuring that the turd burglar got his beak busted and his wheels all banged up. #7 is shakier than Ali in the 9th round against Larry Holmes.

.....To the Baltimore Ravens. Because the Pix has been to Baltimore and this is what he saw.....

.......To Eric Mangini and the Browns. Readers of the Pix know how he feels about the Mangina, but credit where it's due.......the Pix thinks that Mangini and the Browns passed the test this year. The Browns played scrappy, inspired, well coached ball. The Walrus will still fire Mangini, but Eric showed that he belongs in the NFL as a head coach. Just saying.

.....To the Bengals. And to anyone brave enough to accept the head coaching job after Marvin Lewis is fired this week (or just has his contract expire). The photo above was taken from a preseason game where T. O. and Ochocinco fight over a ball originally intended for Jordan Shipley. The Pix doesn't want to say the Bengals are a dysfunctional franchise, but Christine O'donnel may be the only person in America crazy enough to accept a call from Mike Brown.

.......To the Houston Texans. Who clone themselves every season as a 7-9 or 8-8 team who looks ready to break out but who will always be what they are.

......To the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Pix just thinks these guys need a happy ending. That is all. Moving on. Nothing to see here. No human trafficking or anything. Just a massage parlor. Or pharmacy. Or nail salon. Sorry, the Pix got a little distracted right there.

.......To the Tennessee Titans. Because they are gay.

.......To the Colts and Peyton Manning. You know why.

Not to anyone......just throwing it out there.

.....To the San Diego Chargers. Did anyone in the league take an abundance of talent and "gifts" and just end up with a giant turd of a season like the Chargers did? And how does Norvil Turner keep his job? Also a shout out to the official brother of the Pix who brought a puppy home for Xmas and has been knee deep in doo doo and middle of the night pee runs in blizzard like conditions all week. No joke there. Just an observation. Checking to see if he still reads the Pix. Because he never says anything. Not that the Pix cares. Because the Pix doesn't care. Really.

.....To the Denver Donkeys. Because you know what else matters? Coaching matters. Drafting matters. Winning matters. And the Donkeys have mastered the art of none of these things. Hiring a middle schooler and giving him total control of the organization was bad enough. Allowing Doogie Howser to then trade Peyton Hillis for Brady Quinn and then trade up to draft Tim frigging Tebow......Oi Vey.

To the Raiders. Because they were supposed to go 3-13 and instead are trying to become respectable and photobomb the Pat's draft this May. Kudos to wife beater Tom Crapple for keeping his job for one more season. The Pix saw a shot of the Raider luxury box where Al Davis was being embalmed last weekend during the Colt game and it made the Pix think of Hugh Hefner for some reason. It was either that or the 96th Viagra commercial of the afternoon. One or the other.

.....To the KC Chiefs. Because most pundits had the same reaction to the Chiefs winning the West and hosting a playoff game this year.

......To the Miami Dolphins. What a cluster*&$#@ of a season. Wasn't Tony Sparano supposed to be a good coach? The Lions won more games in the state of Florida this year than the Dolphins did. 1-7 at home. That's pretty hard to do. Looks like Lebreet taking his talents to South Beach created a talent vacuum.

.....To the Buffalo Bills. Because the Pix loves this poster and even though it has nothing to do with Buffalo.........or the Bills...........it had to go somewhere. And what is there left to say about Buffalo? Would this one have been better....?

.....to represent an 0-15 streak against a divisional rival? That could have worked, right? But the Pix loves him some beating up on MJ, so there it is.

Knock Knock.......

Who's there?

Rex.

Rex who?

"Rex, did you remember to change the address, cancel the cable, and delete all the nude pictures of our swinging profile from Alt.com before we move to New York and become public figures?"

"....Um, no hon, I forgot to delete all the nude pictures and you tube videos of our foot fetish double lives.....Why? Do you think anyone will figure out you are "Ihaveprettyfeet" and are a bi-curious bottom interested in nipple torture and fisting? I doubt anyone will recognize us..........."

......To Rex and the Jets. Instead of just blending in and playing the schedule, Rex insisted on putting a target on his team's back and one on Mrs. Ryan's front. Not. Working. Out. So. Well.

And finally.......

To the rest of the league, from the New England Patriots. The Truth. The Truth is that everyone thought this was a bridge year for the Pats before their preposterous 2011 draft and letting the class of 2010 grow up a little. Instead, McCourty, Spikes, Hernandez and Gronkowski came out of the box like 3rd year vets and the GURU put on a coaching display that may be unparalleled in NFL history. Anyone remember when Moss was traded and the airwaves were filled with nonsense about Bellichick losing it? Child, please.

Pats are winning the Superbowl and then have 5 draft picks in first 3 rounds. That's the Truth. And unless you are a Pats fan..........it has to hurt.

Happy New Year to all Pix readers. See you in 2011.

Pix out.

Merry Pixmas

2010-12-23T09:18:00.001-08:00

Greetings and salutations to all readers of the Pix this week. As of Wednesday afternoon the Pix had several ideas for the column this week. And then the great tsunami of hilarity and schadenfreude hit the internets with a massive wave......or should one say stampede.....

For those of you not reading www.deadspin.com or www.barstoolsports.com, allow the Pix to introduce you to Michelle Ryan, wife of J-E-T-S coach Rex Ryan. Or as those who belong to www.swinging lifestyle.com know her, "Ihaveprettyfeet". It seems "Ihaveprettyfeet" was somewhat of a you tube sensation back during the years that Coach and his wife were living outside of Baltimore, Md. Here is a screen grab of their user profile:

Uh Oh.....Straight/bi-curious? The Pix is afraid this doesn't mean the Ryans are interested in riding bikes......and, um, then there is this.....

Oh, dear.......let's see here.....nipple torture? Check. Defilement? Check. Fisting? But, of course. Do you happen to have any Grey Poupon?

Honestly, what is the Pix supposed to do with all this information? Between Breet destroying his legacy more than the Pix could even have imagined...

....and the Ryan's swinging foot play lifestyle becoming a national punch line that will occupy comedy writers for the forseeable future, there's very little to say here.....so let's re-print some comments that the Pix saw yesterday from various internets contributors"

"Trick or Treat,
Smell my feet,
New England Patriots
Can't be beat"

"The Jets have fired their team physician today and hired Dr. Scholl"

"Are you ready for some FOOT-ball?

"Rex: getting beat, licking feet"

And then there's Coach's quote himself from the video:
"Can, I, uh, smell them?"

What the Pix wouldn't give to go back in time to rewrite the high school yearbook quote....."Can I, uh, smell them?"

But you know what? Let's leave the Ryan's alone. It's a personal matter, no? At least it's his own wife, right. Ok, good talk. Let's just move on......

seriously, nothing to see here......

ok, that's enough.....

next topic.....

no looking back.....

let's not feet, er, beat this into the ground....

It's not funny anymore.....

And..........were' done. (maybe)

Let's talk a little football. No, seriously, the sport.

San Francisco +1 at Rams
Pats -8 over Buffalo.
Tenn+5 at KC
Oakland +3 over Colts
Seattle +6 over TB
GB -3 over Vagiants
NO +3 at Falcons.

Ok, back to Sex Ryan for a moment. Here area some headlines from today's Post:

"Tormented Rex bares 'sole' over Kinky Feet Vids"

"Bum toe (seriously) Sidelines Santonio"

"Gang Green: Beating Bears would have Heel-ing power"

and the Daily News:

"Rex forced to do some Sole searching"

"Rex keeps foot out of mouth Wednesday"

Oh, and then there's this little fresh tid bit from our boy Breet:

"Brett Favre asked Jenn Sterger for masturbation video." Wait, what?

Well of course he did, why wouldn't he? It would have been rude not to. That's right.....just when Roger Goodell thought he could get away with sweeping the Breet droppings under the carpet, he's back. By the way, anyone else notice that "Sterger" is "Regrets" backwards? Just saying'.........The Pix wonders if Breet ever has this thought cross his mind:

Probably this one a little more:

Speaking of NY staying classy, there's another stain out there trying to fly beneath the radar:

Baseball Diva Andy Pettitte. For those who haven't been paying attention, HGH Andy is now in his fourth consecutive offseason where he is threatening to retire. Holy Breet. Does he really think anybody takes this seriously. And doesn't the lefty bare a striking resemblance to fellow New Yorker.....

Andy Samberg? No?

Youre's not seeing it? Well, it's pretty hard to segue away from these players:

The good news for Pix readers is that there was already a pretty amusing post set to launch.....until Sex Ryan and "Ihaveprettyfeet' had their closets opened by the internets. And the Pix suggest there could be more to come here........maybe even another shoe to drop? The Pix can't wait for Rex and the Jets to saunter back into Foxboro and get trampled (wouldn't Rexy just love that?). Undoubtedly, the J-E T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! cheer will morph into F-E-E-T-S, FEETS! FEETS! FEETS!

It will be hard for Rex to focus when the Pats bring Tony Franklin onto the field to commemorate his two seasons with the team:

"Can I, uh, smell them?"

So for now the Pix well leave you with a simple, Merry Pixmas.

And to the Ryans and Jets fans, Happy Heelidays:)

Pix out.

Old School

2010-12-17T09:39:00.001-08:00

Pix is going old school this week. No jokes (kind of like last week). No time. Just picking football games......

Buffalo +6 over Miami. Pix would like to thank the Dolphins for providing the icing on the Sunday cake last weekend. After watching the Pats put on their display of dominance the Pix and official friends were able to enjoy watching Big Rex and the Jets play worse offense than a low end WNBA franchise. Pleasing.

Cleveland +1 over Cinmates. Riveting....

Tampa Bay -5 over Detroit. Classic week 15 match up....

Jacksonville +5 at Indy. Pix upset special of the week. Jaguars win game outright and Peyton misses playoffs for 1st time in, um, a long time.

Arizona +1 at Carolina. Ratings should almost be as high as Larry King's last week at CNN.

Get it? He's Amish. Thanking you.

Sainsts +2 over Ravens. Ssshhh. Pix has a secret for you. Ready? THE RAVENS ARE FRAUDS!! Giving up 3 td's to the Texans in last 10 minutes, plus a 2 point conversion? Fraudilicious.

Philly +3 over Vagiants. Right now, Pix sees NE playing Atlanta or Giants in super bowl. But for some reason, the Eagles own the Giants.

KC pick over Rams. If Chiefs can't beat the friggin Rams, they have no business in the playoffs.

Dallas -5 over Skins. Pix just doesn't (obviously) have the time this week, but soon there has to be a Pix style beat down of Mike Shanastain. What an idiot. What a poseur.

Houston -1 at Titans. If a game is played, but nobody watches, did it happen?

ATL -7 at Seattle. See above.

Oakland -7 over Denver. Raiders certainly have turned out to be friskier than originally anticipated. They are probably a solid first round pick away from vaulting into the tournament next year. What's that? They don't have a 1st round pick this year? Who has the pick? The Patriots? Are you kidding? The Pix had no idea.

Steelers -7 over Jets. Uh oh......

looks like someone is coming in for a rough landing......

Pix interrupts this brief football column with a scientific breakthrough that's taken years for the Pix to come up with...

"And that, gentlemen, is the Pix' theory of bird behavior during the lunar cycle".

GB +30 over Pats. Vegas won't put a line on the game without knowing if a very fuzzy and confused Aaron Rodgers will suit up for the Pack. Pix doesn't think he will, because GB knows they can't beat the Pats either way.....so why risk it? GB can cover the 30, though, maybe, possibly. We'll see.

Apologies for the briefest of brief picks. Kwanza preparation always puts a dent in Pix' free time during the holidays. Next week the Pix returns with a full effort.

Thanking you,
Pix out.

Jets come in for their "Close up"

2010-12-10T08:44:00.001-08:00

And............BAM!

The Jets came in for their close up this week and, as predicted by the Pix, didn't exactly "represent". 45-3? 41-3? The Pix can't even remember the final score, probably because the Pix was laughing too hard. The Guru put a clown suit on the J-E-T-S and spray painted "bitches" on the back of the team bus before it exited the stadium. Just pathetic. The Pix can barely muster any antipathy for Rex or the Jets at this point. They are like the little neighborhood dog that yaps and yaps and yaps.....

......until finally this guy comes along and does everyone a favor........

Watching last Monday's game at the G5 was one of 2010's best moments for the Pix. The Pix didn't even mind the smelly old dude who picked his teeth for four quarters next to him. Well, that's not entirely true. The Pix minded. It's called flossing, people, and it's meant to be done in the privacy of one's bathroom. Not by your pinky finger in a bar.

The playoff picture is coming into focus, no? There seem to be only four games of note this weekend:

Chargers -7 over Chiefs
Dolphins +6 over Jets
Pats -3 over Bears
Raiders +5 over Jaguars

None of the other games on the schedule hold a scintilla of interest for the Pix. The Dolphins beating the Jets could be very amusing. And pleasing. And delicious. In the same week that the Jets get beaten like red headed step children, the Red Sox pick up A-gon and Crawford, and Rex Ryan gets busted for soliciting a pre-op tranny (Pix may be making last part up). Good times. In general, the city of New York is looking like the top right corner of this foto.

One thing the Pix notices each football season is that every year some business or industry goes advertisement wacky. Last year it was the mattress industry. Between Sleepy's, Jordans, 1-800-Mattres (leave the last s off for savings), one couldn't get through a quarter of football or 5 minutes of sports talk radio without feeling like you were the only person in the world not in the market for a new mattress. This year it is auto insurance. Something, frankly, that the Pix devotes exactly zero minutes each year to think about. Is the Pix missing something? Auto insurance costs about 800 bucks give or take, right? It's a highly regulated industry, so premiums don't actually differ all that much. Hence margins are very low. So Geico, State Farm, Progressive, and All State are attacking the air waves of every football game in America like the 5th Panzer division at Bastogne......for what? "Saving" me 50 bucks? And since they all claim they are less expensive than all of their competitors.......someone is lying. Right? Well, the Pix doesn't like liars, tooth pickers, poseurs or Russians. And the Pix doesn't like the incessant bombardment of car insurance companies running reams of ads while otherwise scantily clad birds could be amusing the Pix in advertisements for wonder-bras or leopard print spanx. MEOWW.

Wait, where was the Pix? Oh, car insurance. Look, the Pix has had it with this guy...

The fake laughing dandy who acts like the funniest people in the world are the employees of State Farm. The Pix would march 100 miles through the desert without deliciousness to take one shot at this jack wagon's chin. And this bird isn't much better.....

Get. Off. My. TV. The Pix' favorite part of this ad is the "price gun", where you point at a box and somehow simulate the act of naming your own premiums to pay.
The Pix tried this at the local boozatorioum without success. The Pix walked into the store, aimed a fake gun at a case of Bud Light and proceeded to exit the facility with said deliciousness. Fortunately, the proprietor of said establishment has more than a casual relationship with the Pix (I am personally funding his retirement with large purchases of nectar), and nothing unfortunate came from this experiment. Moving on to All State:

The first guy, as we all know is Dennis Haysbert. Better known as Pedro Cerrano from "Major League". Or Jonas Blane from "The Unit". The other guy is just some dumbass the Pix has never seen before. Forget, for a moment, the dumbass. Every time the Pix sees Dennis Haysbert, the Pix goes into a semi consciouss trance and repeats, over and over again, "Why did CBS cancel 'The Unit'?" "Why did CBS cancel 'The Unit'?" The Pix doesn't have a joke here, the Pix just real, really liked "The Unit".

And then there's the Grande Poohbas of Posing. Geico. Just the name sends the Pix into fits and seizures. See if you can guess who the spokesperson for Geico is......

or

or

or

or

or

or

If you guessed A, B, D, or F......you are correct. If you guessed anything else, you evidently don't own a television set. If you guessed E, the police are on the way to arrest you. Better hide the NAMBLA literature.

The Pix is trying to figure out Geico's strategy here. Either their Ad team needs some more focussed leadership or Don Draper need lots schizophrenia medication. Let's start with some Lexapro. It seems the strategy is to simply inundate the airwaves with a heavy volume of disconnected and sometimes contradictory statements....kind of like Sarah Palin's current tactic in preparation for her 2012 campaign. Please, Geico, for the love of God and all that is Holy......just stop. We get it. You can save us some money on our car insurance. Seriously, we know......and the Pix likes lizards with british accents as much as the next guy, but even Budweiser knew when enought was enough and euthanized Spuds Mckenzie.
Remember Spuds?

The Pix would like Spuds to come back and take a run at that State Farm geek.

Anyway, this is the time when Pix gets bored and has run out of material. What's that you say? That was about 6 paragraphs ago? You hurt the Pix.....so now just leaving you with your weekly moment of Zen (thanking Jon Stewart).

........and the Pix is out. Pats 31, Bears 19.

Location:Fiji.....or the 3 Cod.

Random Randomness

2010-12-03T06:02:00.001-08:00

The Pix has been off the regular routine lately, and that means a cranky Pix. While travel and time away from the office are invigorating for most people, the Pix is a 90 year old woman trapped in a 43 year old man's body. Things like security lines at airports.....

(Courtesy of Dr. Fun, "Barney Frank has quit congress to pursue his dream job with the TSA")

.......the wacky world of car rentals, sitting alone in pitch black wilderness waiting for a creature to shoot.......these things are not in harmony with the Pix like Zen of sitting at the 3 Cod bar breaking down the Tampa 2 and slowly imbibing liquid intoxicant. Therefore, this week's Pix will be themeless and more random than Morgan Freeman trying to get FIFA to award the US with the 2022 World Cup.

Random, right?

In football news, the Patriots seem to have recovered nicely from their little trip to Cleveland. After wins over the Steelers, Colts and Kitties, it appears that the Guru has his young defense playing more aggressively and that Brady is proving that stealing Laurie Partridge's hair may or may not be an impediment to gridiron success.....

.....The Jets, on the other hand, are not fooling the Pix. Their 9-2 record is as legitimate as Sarah Palin's college credentials. The Texans, Broncos and Lions all had the Jets beat and then somehow found the most creative ways the Pix has ever seen to lose games. The Jets know they are frauds. Why else would a group of guys who have been shouting about themselves all year go as silent as they have? It reminds the Pix of one of his favorite lines from a country song, "If the phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me". Pats 31, Jets 9. The Pix has spoken.

.....And how about those Colts? Should they rest their starters or go for the undefeated record? Uh.....wait, they are 6-5 and look like they are ready for golf season. The Colts have been losing so much the Pix is concerned the veins on Peyton Manning's five head might rupture.

And the Pix isn't worried about the Ravens or Steelers. Even money says Ray Lewis stabs Big Ben while he attempts to rape another co-ed this weekend. Both get the prison time they deserve and the Pats sail into the AFC Championship game against........

Norvil and....

This asshat.

Good times thinks the Pix.

Moving on......there's no natural segue from the NFL to SkyMall magazine, so let's just tear the bandaid right off and go for it.

It occurred to the Pix while cruising at 37,000 feet after a few cans of deliciousness and two Ativan that the items in SkyMall magazine appear to be superfluous at best and an unfortunate verdict on the religion of American consumerism at least. Here are just a few samplings of SkyMall's offerings.....

The pet ladder for a humble $89.99 seems like money well spent, no? Why stop there? How about a brass, temperature controlled water bowl? The Pix knew a few of these types of folks from back in the hood growing up. If your dog has a pet step ladder there is a very good chance your furniture is covered in plastic and you wear flannel pajamas with your initials embroidered on them. And 20 bucks says the Pix can't find any Budweiser or single malt scotch in the house. Just saying'.

Or this must have...

$50.00 elbow pads for that nasty office chair that makes your bursitis flare up. Honestly, any society that thinks this shit up is, the Pix guarantees you, on it's final approach to ruin. But make sure you buy the car pads as well.....

they are extra $$$$.

But between all the accessories for half empty wine bottles, heated bath robes, monogrammed chastity belts and pain relieving cooling pillows.....one gift stood out above all others for the Pix.....

It's the $99.99 heated cat bed. Heated. Cat. Bed. The Pix is not making this up. Can you imagine the value in having the list of people who purchased this thing? The Pix will offer anyone a free lifetime subscription who can hack into the SkyMall data base and get the Pix this info. More than that, however, is the joke that has been rambling around inside of Pix' damaged dome for a few weeks. The Pix doesn't want to write it, because certain readers will not appreciate the indelicate nature of the verbiage.........but......joke.....must......come....out.

Folks, the Pix doesn't know much about these things, but if you are really desperate for some smoking hot pussy...............SkyMall magazine is probably not your best bet.

There, that's over with.

Ok, so evidently, Wendy's is giving their french fries a makeover. They are going from this...

To this....

Um, WHATEVER. But it did get the Pix thinking.........why do so many places fuck up their fries? And yes, that was profane given the Pix' usual abstinence from using profanity.......but seriously, how can so many places eff up their french fries??Consider these abortions.....

These are the two potato offerings by KFC.....the wedges and whatever they call those over cooked disasters beneath. The Pix has no idea what KFC is thinking. It's bad enough that nobody eats their chicken anymore and that they seriously consider coleslaw as a fast food side dish (kids love their mayo covered cabbage, don't they?)

Yum! And it is also bad enough that they insist on serving that weasel piss PEPSI and not delicious COKE, but to get the fry so terribly wrong is just an insult to all Americans. Really, KFC, it's not that hard. Ready?

BAM!! That's it. That's the french fry. Just copy it like these bastards did,

And you stand a reasonably good chance of someone actually paying for your chicken again. Get yourselves together KFC....

And for all you independent mom and pop lunch places across the nation, the Pix has a little advice for you, too. The Pix doesn't want your "interpretation" of the french fry. The fry should be...... Hot. Skinny. Golden. Just like the official wife......

Here's one exception the Pix will grant....

That's right, bitches......it's the crinkle cut. Just like "Friendly's" did it back in the day. But don't get weird and add some bullshit spices. Just salt. And no, Wendy's, not "sea salt", or Carribean island salt, or some fancified made up nonsensical Eurotrash salt. Just salt. Thanking you thanking the Pix. And yes, it has been a while (since last year, in fact) since the Pix has added anything to the "Jihad" list. So, indeed, the Pix is issuing the first "Fatwah" of 2010. The non Pix approved french fry will from here on out be considered the food of the infidel and death be upon all apostates and curly spiced fry eaters. The Pix has spoken once again.

(Told you the Pix is a little cranky this week, unlike this painfully pleasant bird)...

Random, no? Wait. This just in.....here's an update from the Swampscott Junior Prom committee.....

Wicked sorry. Suppose that joke should have been aimed at Gloucester....oh well....

The Pix is obviously getting punchy and running out of material.

Bet these games:

Ravens -3 over Turds
Pats -3.5 over Fat Turds
Buffalo +8 over Queens (Breet has been an ATM machine this year for Pix)

The Pix closes with a picture from last year's Swampscott Christmas Walk.........

Stay classy little blue. Contrasting with Mablehead Santa arriving by lobster boat.....

Which is where you will find the Pix this Saturday morning........before heading to upstairs Maddies to analyze and dissect the SEC Championship game.

See you there,
Random Pix out.....

Magician Football

2010-11-23T11:31:00.001-08:00

Once again it is the time of year for the Pix to write the now annual homage to the Marblehead High School Football team. Last year the team was fresh off a thrilling last minute victory over the hated little blue of Swampscott, an upset over Rockland and on their way to the "Razor" in Foxboro to take on Bishop Feehan High. Although the Headers came incredibly close to winning the Super Bowl, the team fell just short.......and there was great anticipation in the off season of a possible repeat magical year.

Indeed, as a result of the 2009 success, more kids than ever came out for the varsity program hoping to be a part of the kind of buzz generated by that 2009 team. In one sense, to some, it would be inaccurate to say that the 2010 squad didn't fall short of expectations. After all, the expectations are always high after winning and there is always a sense of unfinished business when the championship game is lost. That is the burden that the 2010 team began the season with and maybe still carries into their Thanksgiving game this year in North Lynn, er, Swampscott.

But is that fair? The Pix thinks not. First of all, the 2010 seniors had as many impact players as juniors last year as the '09 seniors. And we'll get to them in a moment. In addition, with a victory this Thursday at Poseur Field (what, that's not what it's called?) Marblehead will finish the season with exactly the same conference record as the Super Bowl team. So when one looks at this squad through a two year prism, their accomplishments are better put into perspective. Simply put, this is the best two year run the town has had in many years........and quite possibly ever.

Marblehead football is on the map again, and before the Pix gets to some individual shout outs, let's acknowledge some of the folks who are responsible (other than the players, of course) for this phenomenon.

Let's star with Bill Richardson, who has to be considered Godfather of the current crop of players. Let's take a brief trip back to the mid 1970's. There were 12 youth football teams at the time and we all played intra town games. That means at any given time, there were 12 kids playing quarterback and 36 to 46 kids getting to practice at running back. Then the black plague of Soccer came along and the youth football program went the way of Milli Vanilli. The Pix doesn't remember exactly for how long, but football as a youth sport in this town went away.......and for some time. The Pix vaguely remembers people like Frank Irons and Chris McGrath coaching youth teams..........holding things together with dental floss and mirrors.....but it wasn't until Bill Richardson and people like Bruce Bial and Todd Norman got involved that youth football a became relevant again in this town. Skip ahead to last Thursday at Piper field when the Superbowl 6th and 8th grade kids got introduced at halftime (congratulations to both teams who won their respective championships the next Saturday) and consider how far the program has come. Marblehead youth football coaches used to be on the endangered species list, and now you can't walk down Atlantic avenue without bumping into a dad proudly wearing the colors of the program. The next time you see these guys, or the James brothers, or Chip Percy, or Pie Morris, you may want to congratulate them on such a great rebuilding job. And that is just one reason why........

The 2010 team walks into Swampscott this year with a little swagger. On November 12th, these kids played by far the best game they have played all year. QB Danny Colbert opened the offense with a 55 yard pass to #20 Will Quigley and the tone was set for the rest of the night. If The Magicians play this Thursday like they did against Winthrop.........the little blue loses.

Swampscott always has a high powered offense and excellent coaching. But the Pix thinks the Marblehead "D" matches up extremely well. Starting with the three headed beast on the line. #78 Ben Koopman, #77 Liam Gilliland and #70 Nick Broughton bring more beef and experience to the front than we have seen in a long time. Gilliland, in particular, has been an absolute animal this year. If Swampscott doubles any of these guys (and every team doubles Koop), look for Nick and hybrid rusher #11 Matt Perlow (off to Bowdoin next fall.....congratulations, Matt) to make some big plays in the backfield. If the pressure the Pix expects gets applied, Quigley and #2 Ryan Stanojev (or as Scott Zolak says, "Stoyanojiv") are going to be taking multiple passes in the wrong direction. And when Swampscott tries to then go to the ground (not their strength), they will be met by the most improved group on the Marblehead side......their young and rapidly maturing linebackers.

Led by senior #42 Josh Freedland, the linebacking corps has been lighting people up as the season has progressed. #52, Oliver Tuna Gregory has been his usual outstanding self, but it is the play of #55 Tyler Bates and #54 Joel Katz recently that has the Pix looking forward to some Matt Evans like hits this Thursday. And Freedland, playing with a cast on his hand for much of the season, reads offenses as well as anyone in the conference.

On offense, #20 Quigley has been all world this year. The Pix has no idea what the statistics are, but the guess here is that Will has averaged over 200 yards per game total offense (including special teams). He never goes down after the first hit, protects the rock and can take it to the house from anywhere. The aforementioned #4 is peaking at the right time, too. Danny throws the flag pattern perfectly, and can dish it to Perlow, #9 Colton Dana, or Stano. Speaking of Ryno, #2 has done just about anything a coach can draw up in one season. Running back kickoffs for touchdowns, coming in at quarterback to run the wildcat.........chasing down opponents to stop a big play.....the kid has just been everywhere.

Another big addition to the team has been the return to football of #21, Oliver Kim. Ollie has a division one college leg (The Pix thinks he could kick a 45 yard field goal) and has also subbed in beautifully at running back and linebacker. Not to mention that Marblehead opponents have had horrible field position to start most games thanks to Oliver's blasts.

As the Pix wrote last year before the Super Bowl game, for this year's seniors, this may be the last time they buckle the chin straps and throw on the pads. Kids like Koop, Broughton, Gilliland, Danny, Stano, Hunter and Alex Whitmore, The Duse, Asainte, Justin Burnett, Leclair......these guys have been playing together for a long time. And on Thanksgiving, it will be the last time they play together. For the parents of these kids, this will also be a special day. As Kenny Chesney wrote,

"They didn't just let anybody in that club
It took every ounce of heart and sweat and blood
To get to wear those game-day jerseys down the hall
The kings of school, man, we're the boys of fall".

No offense intended, but Kenny isn't singing about the glee club. Football is America's game. Thanksgiving the highest American holiday. And our boys of fall take to the gridiron one last time this Thursday. To the coaches, the parents, the students in the stands...........to everyone who wears the Red and Black.......the Pix says Happy Thanksgiving.

To Danny, Josh, Matt, Nick, Will, Ryan, Liam, Oliver......to all of you......

Make sure you look around you before the game and take it in. We are all there for you. All the weights you lifted, all the sprints you ran, all the plays you memorized. This is your reward. The Thanksgiving day game. Every proud parent, every proud former coach, all your friends, neighbors and kids wearing their youth jerseys...........are there for you. Look around. You did this. Be very, very proud of yourselves.

And go kick a little ass if you feel like it.

Go Marblehead.

Happy Thanksgiving 11/25/10.

To Bristol or not to Bristol........that is the question.

2010-11-11T10:50:00.001-08:00

So...........let's not talk about football this week. After watching the Magicians lose to a tough Beverly team Saturday, the Pats take the pipe against the Browns and manorexic Mangini, watching the Cardinals hand Breet a "comeback" and the Jets also pull one out of their asses............last weekend blew donkeys. Although you did notice the Pix going 4-1 against the spread, right? Because due to the 7 week losing streak is on in fantasy football, the Pix is about to start following ladies bowling.

Lately, however, trivial matters such as football and gambling have not been at the forefront of the Pix' consciousness. The Pix has been pondering some of the more existential and esoteric matters of man. Unsolved mysteries such as Stonehenge, the Bermuda triangle, the Kennedy assassination are child's play. Does homo sapiens posses a moral gene, or does man need morality foisted upon him by an outside source such as organized religion? Again.............not a biggie. Global warming? Is QE2 a stop gap by the fed or will it reflate assets to a manageable level going forward? Peace in the middle east? The Pix is quite sure our leaders can figure this all out. What really keeps the Pix up at night staring at the ceiling in complete and hopeless bewilderment is simply this: Is Bristol Palin hot?????

Seriously. Is she hot? How hot? The Pix is completely befuddled. A massive international study should be launched immediately and simultaneously at the major Universities in the developed world. And the Pix is here to begin the discussion. Let's start with the early evidence:

Kinda cute, right? Great smile. Decent enough epidermis. Reasonable coif.

Same deal here. A fine specimen of femininity. Aside from some very hard to see nostril air bags (the things some people get on the outside of the nose as it meets the cheek when they smile), the Pix is going with full on hottie here. Bring it on, Bristol. Your mom may be a deluded poorly educated fraud, but the Pix would jump you in a heart beat.

But wait..........

Hold on just one big fat second here. What is this? Who is this bird? Could she be the same person? The Pix is unaware of any medical conditions that make your beak grow out and to the side once you are an adult. And does fake tanner really add ten pounds? Because if it does, that sound you just heard was thousands of birds rifling through their medicine cabinets to ditch the orange paint. Moving on......

Hot Bristol again. Glamming it up in her skinny jeans and making Hayden Pantierre look like a grumpy Anna Kournikova (not that that's a bad thing). Ok...we're safe, right?

Doh! What the? Who the? Other than the aforementioned nostril bags, the Pix is unsure that the team from CSI could say for sure if this is indeed the same dame. And stand by for standing by.....

Oh, no! It looks like the hostess P.F. Chang's has escaped and she has knocked over a Laura Ashley store! Heavens to mergatroid. And,um, it's time the Pix brings up an unfortunate topic, but in an international mystery the likes of Brisol Palin's hotness, no stone can be left unturned. It's time we mention the unmentionable. The reason the girdle was invented. The reason "Spanx" are flying off the shelves faster than cans of deliciousness in the nest. Ladies and gentlemen......the F.U.P.A. (fatty upper pubic area). Pix isn't being a hater. Just saying' that my girl here a case of PFR. Premature FUPA Rockage. Ok, back to better times:

Woo hoo! That's what the Pix is talking about! Hello leopard print and your friends! And look at the expression on young Ms. Palin's grill. That's a sassy lassie. That's a look that says, "I got it going on". Unfortunately, this next look says:

"I'm Rachel Ray's body double in the upcoming movie, 'The Pear' ". Not good times. And....

"Bristol, we have Lawrence Welk on line two. He's hoping you and your sexually confused dancing partner would like to hire out on the next Carribean Cruise ship called the "Floating Fossil".

Do you see how confusing this is???? This bird has more looks than Oregon Ducks football squad. And what to make of this..........?

How did Bristol suddenly turn into a cross between Kelly Ripa and Gene Simmons?

Quick side bar.........

Pix says, "Bottom row? Yes, Yes, hell no, yes, no and of course. You know what the Pix is talking about. (Left to right you jack wagons)

Let's get to some rapid fire shots and see if it helps........

Ok, got it. Hot. Not scorching. Not white hot, but certainly and unequivocally and consistently doable. (Snuck that one by the censors) What's that? No on reads the Pix? I have no censors? Um, never mind.

Let's all just agree that Bristol is hot, ok?

DAMMIT, Bristol! The Pix needs closure on this. On the one hand, there is definitely some quality bone structure and nobody can say that she needs to visit the orthodontist. On the other hand......

The retarded hillbilly on the left could have put a ring on it and assured himself of 30 years of reality tv contracts. Instead he has decided to go back to Wasilla, get his G.E.D. and run for mayor. This should tell us something, no?

Ultimately, it all comes back to the National Football League. Bristol is the Houston Texans. No matter what year it is, she'll always find a way to go 8-8. And she should put the red outfits away. Just saying. Final final on BP....

Pretty much says it all, right? This photo is from DWTS this week. That, right there, is the face of 8-8. And a final lesson for the birds (because the Pix cares), Makeup is not always your friend.

Small break in for some football. This weeks public service message is to not gamble this week. The lines are murder. Having said that, the Pix will go for the 4 underdogs playing at home.

Denver +1 vs KC
Mia +2 vs Tenn
Cleveland +3 vs Jets
Chi +1 vs Queens.

For those of you who have needed a bathroom break to get through lengthy Pix this week, know that the Pix will be in L.A. next week selling his movie (it's a homemade sex tape) and will not be posting. In the meantime, thanks to some positive reader feedback (particularly from author Deirdre Shaw Gibson, author of "Love or Something Like It) it's time for another installment of quotes from Mike Shemaleshevski......

"The Pix just made me google "shemales!" "I didn't know those things existed!" I kind of find them intriguing!" "Why did the network cancel 'Knight Rider 2" so early!" "Someone put chocolate in my peanut butter!" "I don't want to go to bed right now!" "You said 5 more minutes!" "Yo Gaba Gaba isn't over yet!" "I should never have written those covered calls on Apple!" "Willow is hotter than Bristol, but I can't say that because she is a minor!" "But look!"

"She's hotter!"

"I'm not done with you yet!" "Who put this thing on my face!" "Don't tell anyone, but whenever I stumble upon 'You've Got Mail', I never change the channel!" "Even though that story is so dated right now, you know, because of the whole texting thing!"

"Watch me show you my sexy moves!" "This is me, um, you know!"

"I will hunt down the Pix and destroy him!" "Why isn't American Express running my ads anymore!" "You should never use tomato based products in cast iron skillets!" "It ruins the seasoning!" "When do you think the Pix will get tired of writing this post?"

Right about now, coach. Thanks for the good times.

Thanks for reading the Pix. Back in a few weeks.

Pix out.

Location:Parts unknown

Delicious deliciousness

2010-11-05T07:28:00.001-07:00

So, um, that was fun.

Pats beat Vikings? Check
Breet carried off field with busted melon? Roger that.
Randy being Randy and blowing the Pats and Guru? Oui.

How delicious. How delightful. How tremendous.

Shockingly, I have some thoughts on Breet. Like, for example, if he had a "laceration that required 8-10 stitches on his chin..............why was there no blood?

I mean, he's wearing a WHITE SHIRT.....and WHITE WRISTBANDS.

And that's a WHITE TOWEL.

Where's the blood? It's not just bloodlust on the part of the Pix (well, maybe just a little). It's just that even when Breet gets his ass kicked there is something not quite right about it.

The Pix has had stitches in the chin twice. Both times there was enough blood to destroy all the clothes being worn and enough left over to transfuse Vince Wilfork. Somehow, though, Breet doesn't bleed. He just goes nigh nights in the cart....

Of greater concern to the Viqueen's coaching staff, one might think, would be Breet re-injuring his ankle leaping to the podium to remind us all what a tough guy he is after the game. Somehow Breet got stitched up and made his way to the microphone faster than Randy could even get off the field. Oh, and speaking of my new favorite Tennessee Titan.....

These guys might want a refund. (BTW, is that Jonah Hill on the far left?). Way to spend 200 bucks on a Moss jersey you could only wear for 4 weeks. It made the Pix think of this....

Speaking of dumbasses, HELLO Brad Childress. Great job giving up a 3rd round draft choice for a human tumor, pay said tumor 400k per week for four weeks, lose 3 out of 4 games and then waive the tumor without any compensation. What, you don't think someone would have at least offered a 6-7 round pick? Jeff Fisher almost broke his legs running to phone to claim Moss. Brad Childress.....DUMBASS!

But you know who is to blame here, right? Of course it's Breet. Try following the Pix' logic. We all know that Breet whined and cried for his binky Moss to come to the Viqueens because Sidney Rice is not walking through that door. But instead of the move improving the offense, the pantsless dongslinger goes Sarah Palin rougue and starts throwing picks like a blind and crippled Trent Dilfer. But Childress is too big a pussy to get mad at Breet. So he decides to castrate himself.
If he had any stones to begin with, he would have benched Breet and started Tavarious Jackson. But Breet is the real coach of the Vikings. These two clowns deserve each other so much that the Pix has built the two of them a special meeting room for all their "shitty" decisions.....

Go have another meeting, guys. Maybe next time you can trade us your second rounder for Tony Eason.

Wheeeew, that felt good.

As for another violation that occurred last weekend, it seems the Pix' official mother has learned how to use email. Hmmmmm. The Pix does not want to do cyber battle with the grande bird....

.....but let's remember what happened to Mr. Sano and Claude the piano teacher Hasbrook when they tangled with the Pix back in '77. Not good times.....just saying'.

Let's wager.....

Saints -6 vs Panthers.
Chargers -3 at Texans.
Lions +4 over Jeets. Sweet offense last week by the Jeets. And way to give the punter discretion to fake a punt on 4th and 19 from your own 30. DUMBASS.
Cards +8 over Chilly and Breet and their double toilets.
Patriots -4.5 over Mangina and the Browns.

While the Pix will be relieved and delighted the day that Breet no longer plays in the NFL, the Pix has to admit that there will be something not quite right in the world. Who will become the next object of the Pix' disaffections? In a segment the Pix would like to introduce this week, let's look at some potential replacements for the 'ol crapslinger: Here's someone the Pix can't stand........

Coach K. Mike Shisshevski. Or as the idiot Polack spells it, Kryzewski. This self important human stain is just begging for a bitch slap from the Pix. His expression here says it all........"I am more bunged up than a high school girl trying not to fart in front of her new boyfriend's parents". Here's another angle....

"I am coach "K"! World's #1 ass hole! Hear me roar and know this.......you CAN NOT call a foul on my virtuous, sainted basketball team! I am a life coach! I'll have the #1 with fries! To go!"

And......

"Hi there. I'm coach "K". I'm 60 something years old but have no grey hairs. Would you like to kick me in the balls? Would you like to punch my smug face?"

Yes, coach. Yes, I would.

"I am the mighty coach "K". I will strangle the Pix. I will not rest until every preseason college basketball periodical has Duke #1! I don not like green eggs and ham! My underwear is way too tight! I hate that I resemble a rat desperate for a crumb! I am a life coach! I hate that Rick Pitino can bang strange in a closed up Italian restaurant and then have his assistant marry the crazy bird and get away with it! I scream louder than Sam Kinison on PCP! Argh, ARGHHHH!

Wow, random Sam Kinison reference there, no??

Ok, let's end the Pix there for the week.

Enjoy the weekend. Time for #20 to go for about 230 against the Panthers Saturday.

Pix out.

Mailbag

2010-10-29T08:02:00.001-07:00

Dr. Pix,

Apologies for the "reply to all" violation last week. I now understand that if I want to comment on the blog, I should use the COMMENTS section at the end of each of your posts rather than clutter up the mailboxes of the poor slobs unfortunate enough to follow you. Although I suppose if they "followed" you, you wouldn't need to send out a weekly email.

Signed,
Multiple violators (Marblehead, and a prison in upstate NY)

Dear Multiple,

Apology accepted. Indeed, there's no real good reason to send out the email other than the fact that when the Pix forgets, there are complaints. You would be surprised. If the comments section were used more often (or, um, at all) it would soon become clear that there are lots of people who read the Pix who are much funnier than yours truly. One can hope.

Dear Pix,

Ever since you have begun to use imagery on your blog, your writing has gotten worse. Your grammar and syntax are sub par, and it seems you have just become lazy. Plus, relying on pictures of boobs and using potty talk is beneath what used to be some half decent writing. Clean it up or go to your room.

Signed,
Anonymous (parts unknown)

Dear Mom,

Please. You don't think I know that's you? Put down the Bacardi and diet coke and step away from the keyboard. Plus, who helped you log on? Printing out the blog posts and correcting them with your red pen and a putting a "D+" on it was quite enough. And leaving said corrections in the mailbox is not exactly the height of stealth. I know what your car looks like.

Dear Pix,

Pretty big game this weekend. I'm coming in with my boy Randy and we are going to ruin your weekend. Despite the fact that the press thinks I have a bad ankle, you know I'm going to play. Did you see me hopping up and down on the field last Monday after I thought we had won the game? And then limping off the field and using a walker to get to the podium for my presser? That's right, I'm faking it once again and the media is eating it up. Cue the slurpitation and enabling by BSPN for the next few days while they show endless replays of my game with a broken thumb, my game after my dad died, my game after Deanna's diagnosis, etc, etc, etc. I am the greatest warrior/gunslinger who has ever lived. Eat it.

ps, what's your cell number? I have a picture of something for you....

Signed,
Breet (Kiln, Mississippi: Minneapolis, MN)

Dear Breet,

I am fully aware that the douche bag express is headed to Foxboro this Sunday. Is the Pix ready? Not remotely. The Pix hasn't been this nervous since the Red Sox sent booze bag Derek Lowe to the hill for game 7 of the 2004 ALCS. Fortunately, that turned out ok. The Pix probably should not be allowed anywhere near a television for this event. Hide the women and children. Close the doors, lock the windows. Keep the Pix away from all sharp objects. If Breet comes into our house and lays one on the Pats, no amount of deliciousness in the world will matter. On the other hand...................if it looks like the Pats will win (and end the elderly sexter's career)......then there will be no better place on earth than the NEST. The Pix will declare a national day of celebration and all forms of tomfoolery will be on the table. Stand by for standing by....

Dear Pix,

Want to party? And who do you like this weekend?

Signed,
Charlie Sheen. (jail)

Dear Charlie,

Where to start? First of all, the Pix has to give you some credit. Getting your ex-wife to babysit the kids while you smoke crack and snort Bolivian marching powder with your $12,000 hooker in the adjacent suite is bold and original. The birds think you are a riot. As for the NFL this weekend:

GB +6 at Jets. The Pix thinks there is a good chance the Pack win this game outright. Good karma from vanquishing the great fraud should carry over this week.
Plus, the Pix thinks the bye came at a bad time for the Jets. They had a lot of momentum that is hard to maintain when you are idle.

Vikings +5 at Pats. Doesn't this line look wrong? A crippled Breet or an incompetent Tavaris Jackson at a place where Brady hasn't lost a regular season game since 2007.........and the line is only 5? Vegas knows something, and that something, the Pix is afraid, is Percy Harvin.

Dear Pix,

Because you are the best husband and father in the world, I am going to hire a babysitter to hand out candy while I take the kids trick or treating. You work too hard and are too good to me for me to imagine you not in the Nest watching the Pats/Queens while enjoying moderate amounts or liquid intoxicant. Oh, and I am throwing in some servers that I have hired from "Hooters" to serve you boys wings. And I bought a "special" costume for you after the kids are asleep:

Dear official wife,

First of all, that's the wrong team. Second of all, what about the rest of the day? Games start at 1:00. Am I supposed to be "parenting" for the the crucial lead up time to Pats kickoff? You do realize how important my pre game analysis is, right? And Hooters girls? 1999 just called and wants those outfits back? What about the Asian birds who give pedicures at that little place near the college? Can you check and see if they are free? Also, tv # 2 in the nest seems to have a bad cable connection. I left the ladder down by the garage this am so you can get up on the roof to check it out. Sound good? Super, good talk.

XOXO,
Pix

Dear Pix,

The Pix has jumped the shark. It's all about http://fakejohnnymiller.wordpress.com

Signed,
Fakejohnnymiller

Dear FJM,

Indeed, the blog is very well done. And the birds participating in "Big Break Dominican Republic" are legit (except for that one she beast). However, checkthyselfbeforeyouwreckthyself. It comes down to golf vs the National FOOTBALL League. Ok? Super then, good talk. Thanking you thanking the Pix.

Dear Pix,

Am I the most insufferable sanctimonious hypocrite in the world?

Signed,
Tony Dungy

Dear Tony,

Yes, yes you are. (But take the Colts -5 BIG this weekend)
GFY,
The Pix

Lastly, in the words of John Stewart........here's your daily moment of Zen....

Happy Halloween,
Pix out

Keeneland

2010-10-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

The Pix will be very abbreviated this week as The Pix is leaving Friday afternoon for what used to be a monthly occurrence and sadly is now an almost endangered species: a boys weekend. The Pix flys to Cincinnati for dinner at the Montgomery inn "Boathouse" where multiple platters of pork ribs will be consumed accompanied by an adult beverage or three while hopefully watching the Rangers eliminate the frauds from the bronx. Pleasing, pleasing and triple pleasing.
Then it is off to the Mecca of horse racing.....

Keeneland in Lexington, KY. Riding shotgun with the Pix will be Curtis "touchdown" Ott and Robert C. Moore, aka, the man who Vegas fears. After a couple seven Jim Beam and cokes, it will be off to UK vs Georgia.....

Naturally, the Pix will be back in the nest in plenty of time for the Pats 4:15 kickoff against the Chargers.

The internets were a little slow this week. The NFL and the media continue to protect Breet, despite stating two weeks ago that they would immediately be launching an investigation. RRRight..................if by investigation you mean waiting two weeks to simply call him and ask the elderly sexter if, in fact, the pictures of Breet's meat and two veg were sent to Jen Sterger...yes or no? YES???? or NO???? Breet's non denials in addition to Deanna Favre's non denial today on Good Morning America would seem to be fairly obvious. But Fraudger Goodell is too busy fining players for playing football. This cover up is going to be more mismanaged than Sarah Palin's fake pregnancy. Oops. Stand by for standing by.....
One last Breet comment:

......thanking one Jeff Forbes.

It seems NPR is finding themselves in a bit of a political correctness pickle. After firing news analyst Juan Williams for admitting he got nervous on planes when he saw folks decked out in the latest muslim garb, the station is taking some heat. Honestly, when the Pix sees this:

boarding a plane..........the palms start to get a little moist. When the pix sees these guys demanding their boarding passes.......

Um, yes, nervousness ensues. The Pix would simply like to hook up a heart monitor to the suits at NPR and have them take a transatlantic flight with some of the players above and let us watch the ekg burst into flames. If it is in fact true that the suits at NPR had been looking for an excuse to fire Williams, fine. But it seems to the Pix that what Juan Williams said is what every American feels. None of us go to the airport and not think about 9/11. It usually hits the Pix when I am standing in a 45 minute security line while trying to take off my belt and shoes and pull out my plastic baggie of 3 0z toiletries while wondering why Faisal Al Bombeeb is sailing through the line with his prayer rug and box cutter. Sorry, NPR.....the Pix gets nervous too.

Moving along to football, the Pix would like to file a missing persons alert for this young man......

He was last seen running off center vs Salem on 31 out of 40 offensive snaps. Through the same hole. Message to the coaching staff at MHS.....your offensive game plan is less complex than anything the Pix has seen in many many years of watching football. In Greek mythology, the character Sisyphus is ordered to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, only to have the rock roll over just before it reached the top. Sisyphus then repeated this (by Zeuss' comand) for eternity. The PIx isn't sure who has it worse, #20 or Sisyphus. What makes matters more frustrating is that there is a wealth of talent on this team. The Pix acknowledges that coaching is easy from the sideline, but it sure seems that a lot of good kids who have worked very hard are not being put in a position to succeed. More on this team in the coming weeks.....

Uh, oh......stain alert!.....

What would Pix 2010 be without an update from the campaign trail featuring the anti-masturbation witch and self proclaimed constitutional scholar? During this week's televised debate between Ms. Odonnell and Chris Coons, the AMW asked her opponent where in the constitution does it say anything about the separation of church and state. You know what? The Pix isn't even going to comment. Let' just move on.......and it was nice knowing you, Christine. The Pix prays that we haven't seen the last of you. You are comic gold.

Finally, a little football. The Pix suffered multiple heart attacks and strokes watching the Patriots last weekend. True story: the official wife was circling the neighborhood in the family shaggin wagon texting the Amesicle if it was safe for her to return home. Not sure if that says more about the fragile nature of domestic life or is a depressing and frightful insight into what it is like to co-habitate with the Pix......did I say that out loud? Ummm, never mind. Seems like a good time for a boys weekend.

The Pix went 8-3-2 against the spread last week and is feeling lucky. In anticipation of cashing in at Keeneland tomorrow, the Pix will narrow the field of NFL games to wager (for entertainment purposes only) on.

Kentucky +4 vs. Georgia. Cats wont't lose with Pix in the house.

Pitt -3 at Miami. Shockingly, James Harrison decided to come back for his 50 million dollars rather than follow through on his threat to retire due to the new anti-decapitation rules the NFL is implementing. This is the same jackass who got cut by his first two nfl camps and then overnight turned into a raging beast and perennial all pro. Note to NFL: your drug testing policy has less teeth than grandma Walton post stroke (for you All Marblehead). Can we please get James to pee in a cup? Seriously??

Ravens -13 over Bills. I mean......the Bills? How hopeless can an organization be for so long? Final score: Baltimore 31, Buffalo 3.

Arizona +6 over Seattle. Just a hunch, but Larry Fitz is due to go off. And the Seahawks rarely show up two weeks in a row.

NE +3 over SD. Pix told you to go big on Pats last week. Brady and the GURU bailed out Pix and rallied for the push. No push this week. Pats big. Pix loves how the defense is coming together. Jemaine Cunningham (we are not relations) is emerging as the new Willie McGinest and Chung plays saftey like no other Asian the Pix has ever seen.

GB -2 over Viqueens. This game feels like a massive Karma bomb. Huge potential for irony, coincidence, fortuitousness and intergalactic justice. The Pix says Moss drops a big pass and Breet is struck by lightning. Literally. The Pix will then delete the blog, as there will never be anything to opine about again. One can only hope.

Pix out.....

Location:Mugford St,Marblehead,United States

Prostate cancer awareness

2010-10-15T05:34:00.001-07:00

For the last few weeks, the innocent eyeballs of NFL fans have been subjected to a dazzling yet ridiculous array of PINK plastered over every inch of football scenery. This is not a new concept. Two years ago (I think) Major League Baseball had it's first breast cancer awareness day and teams all around the majors wore pink hats, swung pink bats, and began the deplorable trend of disguising just another marketing ploy under the guise of a worthy cause. It seemed blasphemous then.......now it is downright gross. Naturally, the NBA picked it up......then the NFL for one week last year.......and now this, the entire month of October. Forgive the Pix for barfing. And before the birds reading this go apeshit and think the Pix is disrespecting breast cancer awareness month........take a midol. The Pix loves breast cancer awareness. The Pix loves breasts, period. Sweater kittens, cans....big fan, the Pix. It's just that this latest bandwagon jumping of the NFL is so frigging transparent. Here's the deal.....go to nflproshop.com and see what the big sellers are this month. That's right, pink stuff. Lots of it. Every possible combination of shirt/short/pin/ribbon/ball/hat whatever is pink. It's pinkapalooza and the Pix has had enough. That's why the Pix has called his good friend, prostate cancer awareness (pac) to get his take on this phenomenon.

Pix: PCA, what's up?
PCA: Not much. Just sitting here in obscurity feeling pretty bummed.
Pix: That pink thing got you down?
PCA: Totally. How come nobody ever mentions me? I affect 1 in every 6 men in America by the time they hit 70. That's vs. 1 in 8 women affected by breast cancer. Why no love for the prostate?
Pix: Not sure, but....
PCA: I'll tell you why. Because I look like this.....

instead of these.......

Tough compeTITon, no?

Pix: I feel ya, prostate, but breast cancer awareness is very important and really not something to joke about.
PCA: I know, it's just that one would think that of all the types of cancer out there, I'd be the one to get the attention of the professional sports organizations. But it's all about marketing, isn't it. I mean, look at this......

and this......

and these.....

I mean, what do pink Tennessee Titan Christmas tree ornaments have to do with football, or Christmas, or the Titans for that matter? Money. That is it, and that is all. Guess what percentage of BCA merchandise sales are going to breast cancer research? None as far as I can tell. The NFL web site says nothing about it. It's all a ploy to get birds to buy NFL gear and pretend to look socially engaged at the same time. Breet should be running this scam. Meanwhile, I'm trying to market this...

Pix: Ouch.
PCA: And do you think the WNBA returns my calls? How about some baby blue ribbons on their uniforms? And forgive my insensitivity, but you know what happens post mastectomy? These:

That's right. State of the art silicone jumblees that don's sag or look like a shriveled leather handbag after several years. Dudes aren't that lucky. They get this:

a bottle of Viagra and a penis pump. Pretty unfair deal, I'd say. Look, it's not that hard to get men to think about chesticlie. It starts pretty early:

And they don't make it any easier on us as time goes on.......

Meanwhile, my marketing campaign consisted of Andy Sipowiz getting a couple of shows worth of attention on NYPD Blue back in the day:

How's that working out for me?

Pix: Ok, prostate cancer awareness, I get it. It's tough out there. What can a humble Pix do for you and for the cause?

PCA: How about a little idea for a marketing campaign?

Pix: Done, here's what we'll do. We'll get Roger Goodell, David Stern and Bud Selig on the horn. We trade April and May combined to breast cancer awareness and we get October back. The birds will like it because they like flowers and warm weather and shit. Let baseball players wear pink because nobody watches baseball in the spring anyway. We call October Cocktober and get the NFL to donate a portion of merchandise sales to prostate cancer awareness because men are the only gender who buys there stuff in the first place. I mean, the only people wearing the pink gear this fall are the coaches, players and refs. Totally gay.....

PCA: Hmmm....that's good start. How about beating .500 for the first time with your "pix" this season?

Pix: No promises, but

Rams +8 over Sd
Houston -4 over KC
Saints -4 at Bucs
ATL +3 at Philly
Det -10 vs Giants
Mia +whatever at GB (game off board for now due to Rodger's grape)
Pitt -13 over Cleve
Denver +3 over Jets
SF -7 over Oak
Dallas +2 over the "elderly sexter" (courtesy J. Tedford)
Indy -3 over Wash
Ten -3 over Jax
Patriots -3 over Ravens. Really. Bet it. Big.

PCA: Thanks, Pix. And a big shout out to my good friend breast cancer awareness. Love the girls......

......hate the disingenuous marketing.

Pix: Roger that prostate cancer awareness.......best of luck.

Pix out....(and dodging lightning bolts)

Location:Market Square,Marblehead,United States

Shooting you in the Ass

2010-10-08T06:04:00.001-07:00

So, apologies for taking the week off. As most readers of the Pix know, Pats bye equals Pix bye.........so Pix just took it a week early while administering a USA Ryder cup beat down over a couple of Canadian hosers out in the 413. It's ok if you don't get it......fake Johnny Miller does. Let's get to the elephant in the room right away......the guru dealing Randy Moss to Breetdom. Forget, for a moment, that the Patriots will now compete for the rest of the season without their second best offensive player. What makes the trade so hard to swallow is that Breet apparently whined to management that he was going to take his ball and go home if the Vikings didn't buy him a new shiny toy with corn rows. Predictably, the Viqueens relented and gave Breet 10 million more dollars and Randy Moss. God help Viqueen fans. The Pix hasn't seen a deal with the devil this bad since the Charlie Daniel's band assaulted our ear drums in the early eighties.

UH.......Oh..........what's this?.......

Why........it looks like a sordid little love triangle involving One, Breet, Favre.....

Oh yes. The Pix can now reveal that today on Deadspin.com, pictures or the ol' gunslinger's junk and voice messages to Florida St. SLUT Jen Sterger will be unleashed upon a suspecting public (yes, I meant to say it that way). Apparently, the same week Mrs. Breet published her book documenting her struggle with breast cancer, Breet was sexting young Ms. Sterger (then Jets sideline correspondent) with images of Breet trying to make his clown cry. The dude in the middle is just some Jets PR flunkie who arranged the connection. Tiger, President Clinton, Mr. Spitzer..............meet Breet. Delightful, delicious, delovely....Here's how the Pix envisioned Breet's day yesterday:

Teamate: Brettt, we got Moss!

Breet: Awesome!!!!

Teamate: Uhhhhh, Breet, tomorrow there will be audio and visual evidence of you in a state of supreme douchebaggery the same week your cancer surviving wife published her book.

Breet: Hmmmmm. Could be bad.......no, the media will protect me as usual. Let's get some wings.

Get thysleves to Deadspin and revel in the hypocrisy, courtesy of the Pix......

Baltimore -7 over Donkeys
Jax pk over Buff
KC +7 over Indy

In other news..............this happened...........

A Florida man by the name Kenneth Bonds was in an altercation with some youths who were displaying their sartorial stylings by wearing their pants like the above photo. The Pix has mentioned before the sheer idiocy of this style and the fact that it originated in prisons as a way to announce one's willingness to participate in, um, prison "relations". Nevertheless, this style of buffoonery persists. Said youths disrespected Mr. Bonds and he proceeded to SHOOT one in the keister. Well played, Mr. Bonds, well played......

In other internets chicanery, this happened.......

All the Colts got the gay.......can't say the Pix didn't see this one coming.

and this......

Irmgad Holm of Phoenix, AZ had a tough morning this week. It seems Irmbird was reaching for the Visene when she accidentally grabbed the super glue and blinded herself (she's okay now). Look, the Pix doesn't want to pick on old birds (other than Breet), but leaving the crazy glue next to the saline solution and contacts is wacky even for an avian octogenarian. What would happen if some old geezer mistook his breath mints for his Viagra...........? Bad breath and a 5 hour erection, that's what. And that's not good for anyone. Especially............

Oh, no. Heavens to Mergetroide. It's the wacky witch of the east. The PIx has no idea if anyone out there caught poor Christine's t.v. add for her candidacy. But, well, her opening line is, "I am not a witch". Remember, she is running for the fucking senate of the fucking country. And Sarah Palin thinks this is a good idea. Sorry...............hyperventilating....................and........I'm good. Whew, thanking you.

Rams +3 @Det
Atl -3 over the Cleve
Cinci -6 over Bucs
Bears +1 over Panthers
GB -2 over Skins
NYG +3 @Houston

BTW, Pix is .500 this year, wicked sorry.......

So....................Sesame St. is launching in Nigeria this week with 2 muppets. And one has AIDS. And that wasn't a joke..............

That's "Kami" on the left. She is HIV positive. According to the network, "she has golden hair and a zest for adventure". I guess......

On the right is "Kobi". Kobi, "is involved in a series of troublesome escapades that help others learn from his mistakes". Like what? Not gloving up when shagging the nearest HIV positive golden puppet???? Look, the Pix isn't in charge of children's programming as far as you know, but this seems like a.....bad.......idea....just sayin'....

Here are a few other muppet ideas for Nigeria, courtesy of the Pix......

....."Turdburglar".........otherwise known as the rapist. "The Turdburglar follows single drunk women into rest rooms and rapes them while his bodyguard blocks the door.........and he makes 13 million dollars a year".

..."Ladudian Tampon". "Ladudian likes to pretend that he's a disrespected underdog despite the fact that he has been the recipient of more Peter King slurpitaton than anyone west of you know who. Even a bigger stain now that he is a jet."

...."The real Cookie monster"....

And the Pix' favorite, and I'll give you the description first, "This Jet quarterback likes to bottom and has been known to give defense secrets to the Taliban. Probably responsible for 9-11".

aka....

And........we're through with the Muppets.

NO -7 @AZ
SD -6 @ Oak
Tenn +7 over Dallas
Phily +3 @SFn
Viqueens +4 @ Jets

Pop quiz...........

Byron Scott, coach of Ledouche's former team is........

1. A former Laker poseur
2. One of the worst coaches in NBA history
3. Someone who decided to wear a NAZI tie to media day this week.

If you answered all of the above.............you would be correct. Seriously, though.....and the Pix doesn't really care about Byron Scott, but who designed this tie? Who decided to sell it? Who would buy a tie with swastikas all over it. And are there no PR folks who work for the Cavs? How does something like this happen? The Pix just doesn't get it.

Wait.........the Pix just can't help it.......

BAM! (Pix giggling).

Thanking you, Breet....

Enjoy the weekend everyone,
Pix out

Braylon Edwards is a horses patootie

2010-09-24T07:13:00.001-07:00

So the Pix has been searching for a photo of Rex Ryan at the moment he heard about Braylon Edwards' arrest this Tuesday morning for DUI. Normally the Pix ignores the typical athlete peccadilloes for the simple reason that there would be no time to write about anything else. For the love of Zeus, we haven't even delved into The Turd Burglar's kidnapping and rape charges from this offseason, so why focus on one out of 2000 d-wi's? Because some d-wi's are different from others. First of all, Braylon's happened in Manhattan.....which is amazing enough. Manhattan has 10,000 cabs and like 3 passenger vehicles. And here's the kicker, just before the season started, Jets management handed every player a card with a phone number on it that was to be used at any time for situations such as these. They call it something like "player security" and it consists of a staff of ex NYPD officers that is on retainer for the entire season in case any player finds themselves in a jam. So it's 4:45 am Tuesday and Braylon, Vernon Gholston and D'brickashaw Fergusun are still kicking it in the 212 when the three amigos decide to get behind the wheel after partying for 8 consecutive hours. Not a cab. Not a limo, no call to "player security", they just go for it. It's like Warren Buffet finding himself at a convenient store and rather than tapping into is multi billion dollar fortune, he decides to shoplift a pack of lifesavers because it will increase his street cred.

Word on the street is that Braylon, Vernon and D'brickashaw had only listened to "side A" of Skillet and Leroy on the way to the clubs and were desperate to get back in the car and listen to "side B" of the legendary comedy duo. Can't blame them for that......

The Pix was 7-7 last week and is still roughly .500 for the season. Although it needs to be pointed out that the Pix is 1.000 betting against Breet. Delightful, delicious and delectable. Once again we are going with the quick pix format for football this week. If the PIx missis any games, hopefully the "out of town bird" will chirp up. The PIx:

Panthers +3 vs Bengals
Niners -3 at KC
Det +12 at Breet and his uterus
Houston -3 vs Cowboys
Saints -4 vs Falcons
Browns +12 at Ravens
NYG -3 vs Titans
Eagles -3 at Jax (lock of the week)
Wash -4 at Rams
Seahawks +4 vs Chargers....Anyone else thing Rivers is a total douche?
Raiders +4 at Arizona
Colts -6 at Donkeys
Miami -2 vs Jets
Packers -3 at Bears
Bills +14 vs Pats

.........Somehow the PIx doesn't see Christine O'donnell securing the votes of the "Mastermen Quartet". And the Pix isn't a really good counter, but it seems there may be an extra "master man" here. Lord only knows what his role is....

So PYE records signs Geno Washington to a big solo deal. Then he walks into the recording studio for the first time to meet his band and............."Say what?" He meets the Ram Jam Band. Not sure what Water, Understanding, HI, Hi, Hazel Beach Bash is, but the PIx is unsure Geno would be invited to any beach bashes the Ram Jam Band would be at. Just sayin.

Whoa!!!!! It appears the Ram Jam band is up to no good here. Fortunately, there seems to be no sign of Geno Washington. The PIx suggests Geno stay away from this gig. The only thing missing is the Grand Dragon and some better detergent for those pillow cases. That guy 3 from the left looks like some satanic Tinky Winky. Or is it Po who has that symbol on top of his head?

Which one do you think is "Justy"? And color the Pix afraid of any thing behind the Keybender's barn.

Apologies for images over content this week. Friday snuck up on the Pix, and last Sunday's game against the Jets had a sobering effect on the comedy quotient.

A few more.....

Too subtle?

.....no, thank you

Lastly, the Pix took out the recycling this morning and.....um....unless thePix' math is off, there seems to be a little problem at chateaux Pix. Let's just hope the recycling truck arrives before DSS breezes through the neighborhood. It looks like the official wife and the Chardonnay sisters have been hosting nightly book clubs with Kid Rock and Paula Abdul.

Enjoy your weekends,
Pix out

The General

2010-09-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

Quick homer alert, followed by quick pix, followed by random randomness:

Tonight at Piper field in Marblehead, the scoreboard will be dedicated to William A. Quigley of the Grant Rd. Quiqleys. "The General", who has been discussed here in the past, was an avid Marblehead booster and currently has 8 grandchildren participating in town sports in one form or another. Please join the Pix in raising a can of deliciousness this evening to honor this dedication to a deserving sports and family man. And General, if you are reading this from the Skybox, please forgive the Pix for the, shall we say, off color language and references.

Quick Pix this week after a rough 5-7-1 record against the line last week:

Eagles -6 at Lions
Cowboys -7 v. Bears
Panthers -3 v. Bucs
Chiefs -2 v. Manginas
Cards +7 at Falcons
Dolphins +7 at Breet
Titans -5 v. Turds
Pack -13 v. Bills
Seattle +3 at Donkeys
Rams +4 at Raiders
Wash -3 vs. Houston
Colts -6 vs Giants
Saints -5 at SF
Jets -3 vs Pats

The internets are ablaze this week with a plethora of fraud, freaks, miscreants and poseurs.

That's right, it's Christine O'donnell. The anti-beat off bird who has become famous for winning the GOP primary in Delaware this week. Aside from the fact that winning a Republican primary in Mass or Delaware is like winning "best smile" at a methadone clinic, Ms O'donnell now becomes the poster child for what is effed up with American politics. According to MSNBC, the Washington Post, New York times and other news agencies more reliable than the Pix........this wingnut has been caught lying to the about her undergraduate degree, ghost post grad courses, her income taxes, remunerating employees of previous campaigns and making one bean soup (ok, Pix made last one up). Look, when elections turn into VH 1 reality shows gone bad, it's time to rethink the process. Fortunately for the western world, she is going to get pounded worse than Montana Fishburne in the general election in 7 weeks. (or as some say, long enough for Sarah Palin to have a fake baby).

Anyone ever heard of Ryanair? This outfit is a discount airline that has in one month come up with the two worst ideas in the history of air travel. First, they have proposed doing away with the co-pilot. Why not just do away with the landing gear while you are at it? Maybe after they get rid of the pesky crew as well, they can sell seats in the former co-pilot's chair. "AHHHHH ladies and gentlemen, this is the Pix speaking to you from the cockpit and, um, we have a little situation here. The Captain has suffered a coronary and the Pix is on his 4th Bombay sapphire and tonic. It's going to get a little bumpy for a while, so we are going to take off the no smoking sign, but we ask that you remain in your seats with your seat belts securely fastened while we all careen at 400 miles per hour to our assured fiery deaths. Thank you for....................." And that wasn't even their worse idea:

This is! It's called a saddle seat. How's your nut sack, bat man? If the Pix wants a bag of broken grapes with his turbulence he will ask. And you know who doesn't like this idea either? Christine O'donnell. Look at the face on that bird. You know she has planted some special hardware in the saddle if you can smell what the Pix is cooking. The Pix has seen sadder birds in a bukakke video

In other news, it seems J Lo has agreed to take Paula and Kara's place on idol as the crying half shit faced crazy bird. Good for her. And Steven I can't stay upright on a stage anymore Tyler seems set to take Simon's place. You know who should replace Simon if not Howard Stern? The PIx. Here's a couple of quotes from last season's Pix watches Idol at home game:

"Look, Big Mike, you know we can't throw you off the show yet because we are contactually obligated to have an overweight African American on the show until the final four. So go take a seat on the couch and fake hug the chick with the corn rows."

"Um, Aaron.......here's the deal.......you know I don't like you. And it's not just you. It's just that every year we have a pre pubescent gay from the womb tweener who thinks he can take on Mariah or Kelly Clarkson. Nobody is buying it and I just don't feel like selling it. Off you go."

"Crystal, those chicklits are the worst set of teeph I have seen since that mullet wearing hillbilly Bucky in year 4. Police up the grill work or you are going to be out of here faster than the token Hispanic kid we boot in week 2 every season. That is all."

What do you think? Pix for Idol, right?

Moving on......back to football (sort of). The Pix is going to give away the "understatement of the year" award early these season. The award goes to the mother of Jacquizzy Rodgers, Heisman trophy candidate from Oregon State. In an interview with Espn this week, Ms. Rodgers was asked how she came up with the names Jacquizzy, Dequondre (his brother) and Cottera (sister). She replied, "I just kind of make them up". Indeed.

Lastly this week, congratulations are in order for Urban Meyer. This week, wide receiver Chris Rainey was arrested for threatening to kill his girlfriend. Stay classy, Chris. It was the 40th arrest of a Florida Inmator, er, Gator in Meyer's 5 years as head of the program. For some perspective, the "U" has had one player arrested in the same time frame. Well played, Urban.

Finally, the "nest" will be open from 3:00 pm until the official wife kicks everyone out of the house this Sunday (let's say 9ish). Enjoy your weekends people.

Pix out......

Location:Spring St,Marblehead,United States

Week 1

2010-09-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, um, how about the rest of the preseason prognostications? Not so much? Wicked sorry. The Pix has been suffering worse technological difficulties than the Angolan space program. In addition to trying to improve the blog with things like images (see Wiggle Cats below), the Pix has been struggling with things not even worth explaining because your average 1st grader could probably fix them. So let's skip the excuses and get to some football. But before football, the Pix feels compelled to address on of the most important current topics on the American scene today. Sarah Palin? No, but we'll get to her. The November elections? The ground zero mosque? Le decision? No, nyet, nein. The Pix of course is referring to the egregious yet relentless persecution of Willie Nelson by the constabulary. Once again, this past summer, Willie and his entourage were pulled over in their magic tour bus and cited for possession of a certain class D substance and some other tomfoolery. Seriously police, you found weed on Willie's bus? What else did you find, a steering wheel? Here's the complete list of things that you will find on Willie's bus. Willie Nelson himself and Willie Nelson's weed. That's it, that's the list. Willie does not exactly hide the fact that he may or may not be "carrying". He once made a video with Snoop Dogg called "My Medicine". It wasn't about Tylenol. Tobey Keith once went on the Steven Colbert show and discussed at length how Willie hydroponically grows his personal herb in Tequilla. Willie hides his passion for pot about as much as Paula Dean hides hers for butter. By the way, it says here that Paula codes before 'ol Willie does. Given the fact that possession of said herb is now simply a glorified speeding ticket, any time the Popo pulls over Willie's bus it's kind of like having their own ATM machine. In fact, to help local municipalities climb out of their fiscal holes, authorities simply need to follow Willie's tour bus around while the twanging fossil blazes it up between stops at Hardee's, Chick O' Filet and Shoneys. The Pix is simply making the point that law enforcement in some southern states may want to spend a little more time on real crimes and a little less on octogenarian inhalation. Or the Pix could have saved himself 500 words and simply written: Free Willie.

The Pix and Random randomness:

Panthers +7 at Giants: Weak and boring.

Packers -3 at Eagles: Homer alert! The Pix' official nephew is featured in a local sports poll this week. The poll is titled "weekend warrior" and asks readers to predict which local high school football player will have the biggest weekend. Pix readers need to get thyselves to www.salemnews.com/sports and vote for Will Quigley. Thanking you, and best of luck to the Magicians for the upcoming season. Stay tuned for more coverage of MHS football in this space throughout the year.

Jax -2 over Donkeys: Put it this way, if you are an underdog to the Jaguars.........you are an underdog to the Jaguars.

Browns +3 at Bucs: And if you are an underdog to the Bucs.......you might be coached by the Mangina.

Niners -3 at Gray Man Group: Until the Seahawks abandon their ridiculous gray/blue/gray uniforms with accents of electric green highlighter, the PIx just can't take them seriously. Let's see how big Mike Singletary's wooden cross is this week. Pix says roughly the size of a lb of Willie Nelson's weed.

Cards -4 at Rams: NFC west is about as exciting as watching the Red Sox crawl their injured asses to the season's finish line.

Ravens +3 at Jets. Rex Ryan is really making it easy for us, isn't he? When Hall of Stain member and biggest braying jackass in the league, Ray Lewis, calls you out for being a braying jackass, you have achieved something. The Pix is looking forward to watching the Jets go 7-9 this year.

Chargers -5 over Chiefs. Pix doesn't feel good about this pick. Chiefs could be feisty this year.

Colts -2 at Texans: Recently the Pix made a chicken curry dish that called for adding a bag of frozen peas to it. Really? Add peas to the dish? Why don't I just eat a pound of asparagus and urinate into the pot instead? It's hight time the Pix addressed the plague that is the pea. This vile orb has been haunting the Pix since childhood. Consider the Pea the first addition to Jihad 2010.

Titans -6 over Raiders: How much does the Pix despise the Pea? After a certain surgical procedure that made it highly unlikely that the Pix
willl ever reproduce again, the doctor advised the Pix to "put a bag of frozen peas on it". The Pix went with corn.

Lions +6 at Bears: Boog D is not going to like this, but the Bears are a train wreck. Do not be surprised if the motor city kitties win this game outright.

Cowboys -3 over Redskins: There was an incident at an amusement park this summer in Virginia at King's Dominion amusement park where an employee was accused of inappropriately touching a minor. The employee's name? Dong Wang. Look, it's well known that when certain ethnic groups passed through Ellis island earlier this century that authorities would often tweak a foreign name to assist said immigrants to assimilate themselves more seamlessly into American society. The Pix has no idea where Dong Wang entered the US, but, um.....I think he could have used a little assistance in this regard. Just saying'.

Bengals +5 over Pats: Look, it has to be done. The Pix has been fooling himself for far too long that the GURU has been operating at full capacity. His last few drafts have been as successful Bristol and Levi's most recent reunion. The Bengals are loaded on defense, and have two hall of fame caliber wide outs challenging the youngest and shortest secondary in the NFL. Copious amounts of deliciousness will be needed to get through this season, and the Pix is ready. And waking up to the headline yesterday, "Brady in car wreck" felt a lot like the feeling the Pix had last Thanksgiving with Tiger's crash/escape/ambien fueled mishap. Just not a lot of good vibes. On the other hand, the Pix hears that Willie Nelson is playing Foxboro this fall.

Congratulations to all for making it through another painful off season. Summer may be over, but September means Pix, Pats, Pumpkin ale and a 50' Plasma. Delicious and delightful. Enjoy your weekends.

Pix out.

2010-09-09T13:36:00.001-07:00

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Unnamed Rd,Peabody,United States

worst person in the world

2010-08-20T15:58:00.000-07:00

We interrupt this preseason prognostication with both a delicious and brief comment. The largest fraud and douche bag this side of Breet, Roger Clemens, has been indicted by a federal grand jury for (among many things including sandbagging the Red Sox) perjury. At this point the Pix doesn't want to get into all the details of how Fraudger got himself into this pickle, rather the Pix wants to focus on the one "objection" some sports fans have to the process of prosecuting and spending tax payer dollars on this endeavor. The Pix gets it. The government has more important things to do than go after an irrelevant athelete. But here's the thing. The government has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO DO BUT TO PROSECUTE PERJURORS. That's it. That's the deal. The foundation of our legal system is based on nothing more important than people TELLING THE TRUTH when they are under oath. Without that small detail, the entire judicial process does not effing work. The Pix doesn't believe dogmatically in much. The Pix is a liberatarian. But the Pix goes absolutely ape shit when people lie (see Breet) and becomes apoplectic when an athelete's hubris leads him to lie UNDER OATH. And do you know who doesn't think it's very funny either? The effing feds. They are bastards like that, which is why their conviction percentage is north of 90%.

So why didn't Fraudger take a plea? Because he got intergallactically bad counsel. The Pix has met a few of these predatory lawyers (albeit in the estate planning world, not criminal). They are a little like pro athletes themselves. They get boners by trying seemingly unwinnable cases because if they can pull off the huge upset, they are the new Johnny Cochoran. And make no mistake, Rusty Hardin is the biggest living example of this combination of celebrity seeking weasel and snake oil salesman writ large. And poor dumb ass Fraudger is in his pocket. The Pix can not wait for this trial. Beware, Fraudger and "Rusty" might win. The prosecution's case is mostly based on DNA evidence that a convicted drug dealer kept in a Miller Lite can in his attic for 6 years. Sub optimal. But the Feds are f'ing pissed. And they know the Texas fat ass has literally dared them to indict. Clemens' ego makes Breet's look microscopic. The end for both of them, it says here, will not be pretty. But the Pix does look forward to it.

Pix out........

Preseason Prognostications

2010-08-11T17:23:00.000-07:00

Last year the Pix provided devoted readers with predictions with exact records for all 30 NFL teams. And the Lions and Raiders. This year the Pix will save all the birds the trouble of having to watch the regular season (time better spent distracting the chilluns for 5 hours) and can just pick up the action in the playoffs. You are welcome. In addition to exact team records, the Pix will provide valuable insight based on no research whatsoever is support of said prediction. Lets begin, in random sequence.....

Seattle Seahawks: From the most boring team in the NFL to the most boring man in America: Al Gore. So bore snore got off to a pretty good start this summer by punting the old battleaxe Tipper. Well played. But then we find out that old AL has been getting his Clinton on more than any of us could have expected. According to the National Enquirer, the former vice penisdent has a thing for milfy masseuses, and on more than one occasion attempted to give an executive order following a full rubdown to, "Take care of this". Zoinks. New meaning to "Bush vs. Gore", no? The Seattle woman who first filed charges called Bore a "sex crazed poodle". Looks like Al mistook carbon emissions with something else entirely. We all know Al was wooden, but didn't realize to what extent. The Pix will stay abreast of this story and will faithfully report any more developments. Oh, the Seahawks? Um.....9-7.

Miami Dolphins: So Liebron takes out a full page ad in the Akron Shit Wiper, or whatever newspaper they have for the thousands of losers in Akron, and doesn't mention the Cleve even once. Is this guy trying to get himself murdered? Dude, you do have to play a game in Cleveland this year, you know. I guess he could just pull a "Clemens" and ask out of starts against Boston or against NL teams (so he wouldn't have to actually hold a bat and maybe have someone throw at him). In other developments, Cheatbron's baby mama said she doesn't want to move with their 2 sons to Miami and will stay in Akron. I kind of like this bird. She knows that if she is in South Beach she'll actually have to witness the thousands of jump offs attempting to give HIVbron herpes on a nightly basis. Good move by her. The Dolphins? 10-6. Brandon Marshall can't be covered. The Pix is not looking forward to Chad Henne throwing jump balls to Marshall over the Pats' oompa loompa secondary.

Washington Redskins: Speaking of Lebron, did you know that the company, Fathead, who make actual size posters of athletes is offering the Lambron poster for $17.41? (they usually retail for 150 bucks). Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cavs, also happens to own Fathead and 1741 is the year Benedict Arnold was born. Delicious. Redskins? 7-9. The Pix is looking forward to seeing Donovan McNabb bounce ten yard outs into the dirt in a new city.

Tennessee Titans: Good lord the Titans are gay. Lets not talk about them. So has anyone else noticed people using the word "gay" a lot more this year? Like on TV? Hmmmm. Anyhoo, between prop 8 in California, Marblehead's own judge Toro writing his landmark decision regarding gay marriage and this last weeks events in the California judiciary, gay marriage has been on the front pages non stop for the last year. The Pix is familiar with the institution, and readers know well where the Pix stands on gay marriage......every individual in our society deserves the right to enter into a lifelong soul draining arrangement whereby you can only have sex with one person for the next 40 years or so while you both await the sweet release of death. But speaking of gay weddings, you know what's really incredibly gay? Straight weddings. Is there anything gayer than a bunch of men dressing up, an old dude crying and everyone dancing to YMCA? And the Pix loved the irony of Rush Limbaugh posting photos of wedding #4 for el Rushbo on Facebook today. You know who is in the first picture? Elton John. Not gay or anything....... Let's call the Titans 5-11, shall we?

Philadelphia Eagles: Shshshhh........ The Pix wants to keep this quiet so the official wife doesn't find out, but the Pix has a question for all his male readers........ Do any of your official birds have the odd gift/affliction of almost always emailing/texting when a conversation warrants the nuance and length of a phone call, and..........always call when a quick text/email would have actually worked much better? Anyone? Bueller? And has anyone's bird actually picked up the home phone this year? Is it just the Pix? So the official wife won't hold it against you, please email your answers to thepixs@gmail.com. Thanking you....oh, Eagles, phpht, um....8-8.

Oakland Gayders: See what the Pix did just there? Um, we have to talk a little football here, because the Raiders are the most important team in the NFL this year besides the Patriots due to the corpse of Al Davis and the ghost of Art Shell trading away their #1 pick in 2011. The departure of Robitussin (he got arrested for an addiction to cough syrup) Russell this year, the Raiders are no longer a lock for the cellar. Their D is more than legit, their division got easier (the Donkeys are a mess) and their skill guys are scary too. Wait, did you say their qb is Jason Campbell? Never mind. 5-11. Pats get 8th pick in 2011 draft.

New York Jets: An entry about asses for asses. We are all familiar with breast implants. Some of us are familiar with booty implants. We are all familiar with push up bras. But now the birds have done it and have covered themselves in even more glory. The Pix gives you, "The Booty Pop". Indeed, www.buybootypop.com The birds are now padding their panties with extra curves. And paying cash money. Not enough junk in your trunk? Step right this way and we can turn your Justin Bieber like hips totally Kardashian. Full disclosure..... the Pix is in favor of this. The Pix can remember a trend not too long ago when birds started buying jeans that compressed their keesters so much they all looked like David Bowie on a hunger strike. And lest you think these hip helpers aren't mainstream, #1 Bird undergarment retailer, Victoria's Secret has introduced the "booty booster". Same dealio. No official comment from Sir Mix-a-lot yet. Jets? They suck. But they will be 10-6.

Cleveland Browns: Allow the Pix to talk a little football. So after a lengthy and sweaty courtship, Mike Holmgren agrees to become president of the Browns. He then proceeds to retain Eric Mangina as head coach and sign free agent Jake Delinterception to be his primary signal caller. If one were a Brown's fan, one might not see the infinite wisdom of these two moves. The only analogy that comes to mind would be if upon assuming command of Afghanistan last month, Gen Petreaus called the President and said he was keeping the Taliban in charge of the north and had hired the ghost of Charles Nelson Riley and Joy Behar to head up black opps in the Hindu Kush. Then then Pix saw the strategy. The Walrus knows the Browns are going to be a disaster and so he pre-orders his sacrificial lambs for the 2010 post season. Well played, Walrus. Well played sir. 2-14.

Minnesota Vikings: So that wasn't too predictable.....Breet texts his team mates saying is going to retire, ESPN goes defcon 11, Breet says he didn't text anyone, he's not sure, bla, bla, bla, he poses as a census worker and murders a village, bla,bla,bla. 10-6. (Yes, he is playing). One side note on the Viqueens, the Pix has been pretty rough on Beaker, aka Brad Childress, in the past. The Pix may or may have not called him a porn stache wearing child molesting Breet sycophant. Or not, the Pix can't remember. But this past off season the Pix saw a show on the NFL network highlighting Childress' trip to Afghanistan. To surprise a special forces unit. And his son. There will be no more jokes in this space about Beaker this year..... or ever again.

Carolina Panthers: The Pix is considering ignoring all things Panthers this year. And maybe forever. Is there a less relevant franchise in any sport? It' s not that they are terrible every year, it's that they are egregiously boring every year. Quick, who is their starting qb?..........For those of you who said Matt Moore, you are both right and a little pathetic. Or you live in Charlotte (wicked sorry). Or maybe you are related to Matt. Either way, the Carolina area in general could use a little help. For starters, let's just combine North and South Carolina. The Pix went to college in NC and can tell you that there is really no reason for two separate states. It's muggy, there's a church on every corner and a fried chicken joint on the other. Maybe there's a local barber in case your mullett gets too long..... but you get the point. Let's say they'll be 6-10 and check back in with team Sominex in January, agreed?

Houston Texans: While we are consolidating states, let's add the Dakotas to the mix. Who would care, the 4 Indians juiced up on fire water in Bismark? Ok, that was racist. The Pix apologizes. but has anybody ever met anyone from a Dakota? What would you say if you did? Wouldn't the federal government save on mailing labels or something? Anyway, NFL pundits have been calling for the Texans to be a sleeper team for the last few years. The Pix agrees..... they put me to sleep. The only thing more predictable than the Texans blowing a 4th quarter double digit lead to the Colts is, well, nothing. Nothing is more predictable. The Pix predicts that the Texans break out to 8-8 once again. They belong in the same paragraph as the Dakotas.

Ok, that's roughly a third of the league. Back soon with the rest of the teams. Comments, complaints, questions and nominations for the Hall of Stain can be sent to the Pix new blog email address, thepixs@gmail.com. Over and out.

Love for Cleveland

2010-07-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

The Pix has been flirting lately with the starting up the 2010 season. Unlike seasons past, Breet hasn't drawn out the Pix with any of his usual nonsense, or maybe it's just that nobody cares about Breet anymore (after all, Peter King has been in South Africa covering some soccer thing). Readers know that nothing fires up the Pix like frauds, braying jack asses, poseurs and stains. And there has been somewhat of a development recently in the sporting world that fits all of those things. "The King", Mebron, Shebron, Ledunce, Lebrass, Lefraud, Lebrenedict Arnold.....whatever you want to call him. It is he that must be discussed. The Pix has had enough.

With every writer and blogger having already contributed their two cents on the topic, one might think it difficult not to repeat what has already been said by the masses. And the Pix is sure that some of what will be written will be unoriginal. Wicked sorry. The Pix does, however, have somewhat of an unorthodox take on the hole deal.......which is that the city of Cleveland is not being discussed enough in the context of Ledecision. Or if it is discussed, it is with pity and no small amount of shadenfreude (pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others). The Pix says "enough". Some background......

The Pix took two trips to Cleveland in the last decade due to "The Stick" attending business school there. Both trips turned out to be two of the most amusing weekends in the fairly amusing life of The Pix. Were there arrests? Yes. Was a hostage taken at one point? Yes. (seriously, we took a friggin hostage). Was ther a robbery? Affirmative. Was there potential for manslaughter at a certain urban dancing establishment? The Pix can neither confirm nor deny. Let's just say there was tomfoolery and ballyhoo aplenty. And while the cast of characters from Boston will remain relatively anonymous, the major players in these two tragicomedies will not: the good people of Cleveland. That's right, this Bostonian is on record that Cleveland has the friendliest and funniest people in America. Not that comparing anyone to the Mass holes here is a particularly high bar to hurdle....

More love for the Cleve?? You got it. Two of the best books The Pix has read are all about Cleveland and the peeps by lake Erie. "Crooked River Burning", by Mark Winegardner and "First and Last Seasons: A Father, a Son and Sunday Afternoon Football", by Dan McGraw are must reads for everyone. Read either and you will laugh, you will cry, and you will learn to love Cleveland. Before 2004, let's face it, Red Sox fans had a lot in common with the Cuyahoga crew. We had the Yankees and the Browns had the Steelers (we can still all hate the Steelers together....and don't think The Pix has forgotten about Rapelisberger the Turd). Ever meet a Steeler fan? They are douche bags. They are Yankee fans in different colors. In short, The Pix is declaring Cleveland to be Boston's new sister city. In addition, the Pix is calling for a road trip this year to the Cleve for either the Nov 7 game against the Pats, or the Jan 7 game against the Pittsburgh turds. The Pix has spoken.

So against this backdrop, The Pix has cautiously been watching the Lebron situation....originally because the Pix didn't want him to go to New York like every other free agent on the planet who sells his soul for Manhattan money. Eventually, however, the Pix just didn't want to see the good people of Cleveland stabbed in the back and left at the altar once again. They watched as Fart Modell stole the Browns from them to move to that cess pool called Baltimore. Can you imagine if the Patriots or Red Sox were taken from Boston? Losing the most popular and talented athlete since Jim Brown would be bad enough......but this kid was FROM THERE. The Pix has heard and read all the analogies about Letraitor leaving, but here is the Pix' take:

There's this couple in their mid thirties. She's more in love with him than he with her...so much so that you think he'll probably dump her. But they stay together for seven years and there are even rumors that he will propose. She is the coolest chick you know by the way. She likes beer and football and is a little freaky too if you can smell what the Pix is cooking. In the last 6 months she has gotten herself into great shape and is looking better than ever (part of the reason is that her little sister is getting married and she wants to look her best as the maid of honor). The big weekend of the wedding arrives and there is a rumor that he is going to propose during the reception. Everyone knows that there is nothing greater in the world for this bird (in her mind)than to marry this guy. He climbs up on the stage and takes the microphone from the wedding singer. He calls his girlfriend up to the stage. He takes a knee and produces the hardware..........and then he proposes to the 23 year old he hooked up with the night before. That, readers, is about 1/10th the magnitude of what Leposeur did.

The Pix would also like to thank Jesse Jackson for reminding the country what an out of touch race baiter he is. Reacting to Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert's statements, Jackson compared Lebron to a slave and Gilbert to a slave owner. Jesse, the Pix did a little research and it turns out that very few slaves earned 15 million dollars per year. If James' treatment by Gilbert was anything resembling a slave/owner relationship, the Pix has one question....which way to the plantation?

So, Shebron, an hour long special on you in prime time so you could punch Cleveland in the nut sack in front of the whole world? That was your solution? Breet just called and wants his insecurity back. You have known for months you were leaving. You quit in the playoffs because you knew you couldn't leave if you had won a title. In that spirit, you stole the owner's money. You stole the fan's money. You lived a lie for the entire season. You lied to every team that cleared cap space to fairly recruit you. You didn't return calls or emails from the Cavs organization. What, were they too fair to you? Too adoring? Too loyal? You wouldn't talk to Tom Izzo when he was considering coaching the Cavs. What's wrong with Tom Izzo? Too classy? Too much of a proven winner? How hard would it have been to simply say this:

"After much soul searching and gut wrenching angst, I have decided to leave the city of my home and pursue my career in another town. Cleveland is my family, but like many families, the son has to leave and find his own way in the world. I can never repay the city or the Cavalier organization for all that they have given me. I deeply regret my inability to bring a championship to the great people of Cleveland. This is simply a time in my life that I believe I must do what is best for my career. I am sorry that doesn't entail staying in my home town. I wish the Cavaliers nothing but the best." Or something like that....shit, the Pix doesn't do this for a living.

The Pix won't even get into what this turd actually said. That's a whole other post.

We do have Mebron to thank for one thing, however: a new category for the Pix. In the spirit of Breet, the Yankees, A-fraud, Ladudian Tampon, the Jets, Ray Lewis and many others......the Pix would like to introduce the HALL OF STAIN. In the future there will be a new email address for the Pix where readers can nominate all kinds of miscreants into the Hall. The class of 2010 will be anounced at the end of the year and a celebration will be held in the Pix' new football watching mecca (my garage) complete with deliciousness and any other nonsense we can think of between now and then. Maybe we'll invite Cleveland's domestic ambassador Drew Carey to help inaugurate Lamebron. (you know what Drew Cary likes? Beer and strippers. Know who likes Drew Carey? The Pix.)

That is it and that is all. Welcome to The Pix 2010. Preseason starts in a few weeks.....

Final post of season

2010-02-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

First off, let's reveal the answers to yesterday's quiz anc crown a winner:

1. Da'rick
2. Sharrif
3. Martavious
4. Trovon
5. Neiron
6. Alfy
7. Lache
8. Eddrick
9. Tevin
10. Quinton
1. Jawuan
2. Sione
3. Latwan
4. Khairi
5. Ego
6. Roszell
7. DeAires
8. Major
9. All 4 were real
10. Markeith

Congratulations to Cappy for correctly naming 13. Official Nephew Will got 12 correct and was penalized for attempting to engage the Pix in illegal behavior. Very unfortunate indeed. Jerry O decided to win the contest by only naming half (well played, sir) and Wardo sent a seperate email due to not being able to register with Google. The internets can be confusing. Surpisingly, no birds signed up for the free breasticle examination. Being the supporter of cancer awareness that he is, the Pix has decided to generously extend this offer for the forseeable future. You are welcome.

Before we get to the Superbowl, the Pix has some loose ends to tighten up.

1. Congratulations to Mass holes for electing nudie boy Scott Brown to the Senate. The reverse jinx that the Pix whammied Martha Coakley with worked like magic. Senator elect Brown then proved on election night that he can say something stupid just like the rest of Congress when he all of a sudden felt compelled to comment on his daughter's "availability". Better yet, the media uncovered a music video the next day starring wifey Gail Huff from the 80's in which she simulates a hand dukey with a bottle of sun tan lotion and frees "the girls" before diving topless off a row boat. Well done, Gail. For those of you who missed it, the video is titled "The girl with the curious hand". Curious indeed....

2. Staying with politics for a moment, the Pix wouldn't be the Pix without a swipe at hypocrital, homophobic, intergallacticaly uneducated, tea bagging religious fanatic "retard" Sarah Palin. And yes, the Pix is aware that he just insulted someone's intelligence with a grammatically incorrect run on sentence. The Pix loves him some irony. Anyway.......it seems that Palin's PAC has been purchasing thousands of copies of her ghost written fairy tail "Going Rogue" at near 30 bucks a pop. In addition to artificially inflating book sales, is this not, in fact, laundering money to herself through her own PAC (political action committee)? She receives royalties for every book sold, no? What a dumbass.

3. Staying with politics one more time....the Pix loves watching and reading about these politicians who are working themselves into a lather over the repeal of the "don't ask, don't tell" policy over gays in the military. Granted, this is just a cheap trick by Obama to pander to the far left, but really guys? This is the battle you want to fight? The Pix just finds it hard to believe that General Nathan Lane is going to get Delta force to drop their weapons and spontaneously break into a production of "La Cage aux Folles". It is beyond amazing that election cycle after election cycle Congress allows its agenda to get hijacked by the culture wars. Unfortunately, it is true that the country gets the Congress the it deserves.

4. John Edwards. Precisely.

5. Then there is Breet. The Pix correctly predicted in week one that the football gods would smite Breet at the most delightful moment possible. And so it happened. With only needing to maintain field position and let Ryan Longwell (8 for 8 in his last 8 attempts over 50 yards) kick the winning field goal, Breet choked worse than Carrie Prejean trying to avoid discussing her sex tapes on "Larry King". A greatful nation was spared the horror that would have been Breet-a-palooza if the me first attention whore had advanced to the big game. As one Sports illustrated scribe wrote, "there are three things a baby boy learns when he is brough into this world, if you cry someone will feed you, if you soil yourself someone will change your diaper.........and never ever roll right and throw across your body into double coverage." Delicious. Now the Breet watch begins. Allow the Pix to end the suspense.....water is wet, Russia is big, Hilary Clinton has cankles, E equals MC squared and Breet comes back in August after once again stringing along the pathetic sports media.

On to the Superbowl. But first, one last public service anouncement for the ladies....Superbowl weekend is a high holiday. Copious amounts of deliciousness, all the finest meats and cheeses, endless watching of Skinemax, the Hitler chanel, ESPN and the NFL network, silencing of the chilluns...you get the picture. If you want a little relationship advice, dear birds, and the Pix knows you do, you will treat your man appropriately this weekend. After all, that fraudulent ridiculous day, Feb 14, is soon approaching and the tables will be turned. Check thyselves before you wreck thyselves. And if you want a card or something in a few weeks, now is the time to start earning it. Just sayin'.

New Orleans 38, Indy 35. The Pix has begun to spend copious amounts of time in the bunker recently analyzing and dissecting the the all important Patriot's draft. The Pix would like either Clemson rb CJ Spiller or USC safety Taylor Mays in the first round, followed by an assortment of hybrid de/lb types in the next 3 rounds. As far as the SB is concerned, the Pix just thinks the Saints have too many weapons on offense and that a hobbled Dwight Freeney will spell doom for the Indy D. Look for Freeney and Mathis to switch end positions as Freeney can't push off his right ankle. Peyton will be Peyton, but people tend to forget his propensity to choke in big games. He was horrible in the SB win over the Bears. He can be rattled when things don't go his way. As usual, the refs will cheat for the Colts, but this will be balanced by the fact that the crowd will most likely be strongly in favor of the Saints (underdog/Katrina theory). In the end, the football gods will reward the city of New Orleans for their years of suffering.

That is it and that is all. Thanks to the readers for chillin with the Pix this season. Hopefully the birds have picked up some helpful tips along the way. Remember, price of annual subscription is 1 G adn T per year. Some readers have been coming up a little short...

Until late next summer.....Pix out.

Pre Super Pix: National Signing Day

2010-02-04T07:20:00.000-08:00

Barring any unforseen tomfoolery in the next 24 hours, there will be a Super Bowl Pix tomorrow. In the meantime, we must turn our attention to one of the most important days of the year (which was yesterday); National signing day. NSD is the day when high school recruits must inform the college of their choice that they are indeed accepting the scholarship that has been offered. More importantly, it is the day that all of the silly names that baby mamas all across the country have bestowed upon their unsuspecting offspring are revealed. How unfortunate to be named Rontavious or Kelderion. Yet........how delicious for us.

Last year we had ourselves a little contest whereby three false names were inserted into the list of ridiculousness. Official amigo Wardo won the contest, but was subsequently disqualified due to hijinks and malfeasance. He Googled the names. The Pix suggests you return throught the magic of the archives to the Feb 7 post from last year to review this travesty.............

Welcome back. This year we will be handling things a bit differently. Due to the fact that this year's names seem far more normal than last year, The Pix has constructed a multiple choice quiz. Once again, the winner will receive one delicious vessel of liquid intoxicant courtesy of the Pix, as well as some bonus prizes. Please submit your answers in the comments section or, as usual, do nothing. Thanking you. There is, in fact, one genuine recruit's name per foursome.....answers will be provided tomorrow.

1. a) Da'rick
b) La'rick
c) Brad'rick
d) Shithead

2. a) Laverne
b) Travesty
c) Sharrif
d) Tigre

3. a) Marlishious
b) Martavious
c) Marblehead
d) John

4. a) Fonzy
b) Travon
c) Granada
d) Trovon

5. a) Neiron
b) Nero
c) Nemo
d) Nitwit

6. A) Alf
b) Alfy
c) Asshat
d) Alex

7. a) Fartface
b) Lache
c) Simpson
d) Romo

8. a) Eddrick
b) Breet
c) Richard Dawson
d) Bar-vel

9. a) Kevin
b) Tevin
c) Levin
d) Zevin

10. a) Quinton
b) Quelvor
c) Qunt (wicked sorry)
d) Qornelius

What's that you say? 10 more??? Alrighty then....

1. a) Jazzy
b) Jawuan
c) Jerkov (Must be russian)
d) Jymmie

2. a) Sione
b) Shneider
c) Sybrus
d) Shintreevorelious (ok, I made that one up)

3. a) Latwan
b) L'amor
c) Lareu
d) Ladaye

4. a) Kijon
b) Khairi
c) Kowamagbe
d) Kase

5. a) Uranus
b) Shphincter
c) Myopia
d) Ego

6. a) Roszell
b) Goodell
c) Stern
d) Selig

7. a) DeAires
b) DeGround
c) Desea
d) DeMountains

8. a) General
b) Seargent
c) Major
d) Lieutenant Dan (the Sorrest Rump reference just overcame the Pix)

9. a) Seantrel
b) Shep
c) Janzen
d) Tai-ler

10. a) Markeith
b) Marmark
c) Mardennis
d) Marjudy

Ok, just a little appetizer for the SuperPix tomorrow (barring any unforseen Tomfoolery). Remember, there is one ACTUAL recruit name in each foursome. All commenters will receive a free handshake from the pix as well as the eternal enlightnment. All female commenters will recieve a free breast examination in honor of black history month. Or something. Pix is a little punchy today. Over and out.

Angry Pix

2010-01-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

The world has been doing a fairly decent job of pissing off the Pix lately, and it's time for a little venting. It's nothing major. No disturbances in the force, just a little sand in the proverbial vagina. Not that the bible consists of any proverbs that reference vaginas, just using a colloquialism.

Let's start with last Sunday.......what the hell was that? What WAS THAT?!?! Who the? What the? Oy vey. Gevald. As Monsieur J. Tedford would say, "That just happened". The Pix would like to thank the Pats for showing up, but........well, they really didn't. The Pix reall didn't think last weeks reference to the Red Sox would be that predictive. Wow. This just in, the Ravens just picked off Brady again. And Randy Moss? Paging Randy Moss? Please report to the ticket counter. Moss showed less effort than a 10 dollar hooker. On Meth. Let's just move on...

What the hell is NBC doing? Really? Jay Leno? Why not just bring back Arsenio Hall?
Leno is 1/20th as funny as Conan. It was bad enough that the network was too cheap to continue "ER" and stuff Chin "O" in the 10 pm slot, but now you are moving Conan?
Good for him for hazing you in public before he bolts for Fox. Dear NBC: You suck.

Speaking of Fox, Sarah Palin??????????? Really???????? Now that even more information is coming out regarding this moron's lack of qualification to hold public office (not knowing why there is a North AND South Korea), the Pix would like to officially thank John McCain for setting back the Republican party two generations. You know what? This isn't funny. Moving on again........

Mark McGuire? Really? You used steroids? In other news, water is wet, Siberia is cold, and Pam Anderson has fake tits. And Really? You only took low dosages because you didn't want to appear too big? Really? You looked like 3 lbs of sausage stuffed into a peanut shell. You dumbass.

And really PETA?? (People for the ethical treatment of animals, or as the Pix likes to call it...people for eating tasty animals) You are running a print ad of porn star Sasha Grey with the language "Too much sex can be a bad thing". What are you talking about? The Pix has no idea what that means....what's your message? Thanks for the picture of Sasha's butt anyway....

And really drug company? The Pix saw a commercial the other day for some child depression drug on TV. It said, "If your child is between the ages of 7 and 17 and experiences frequent sadness, social isolation, an increase in anger, difficulty in school...then your child may be struggling with depression". Dr. Pix says, "Or your child may be a child". Welcome to life. It doesn't get any easier. Have a lollipop.

Let's take a break for an important public service anouncement that arrived via email to the Pix yesterday from the webside, WebMD....seriously, this article came out yesterday and can be confirmed by the official wife. The article was titled "why men
like porn". The gist if the article is that scientists say that men are hard wired to react to visual stimulus due to evolution. As we evolved, males had to be able to become aroused instantly for the propogation of the human species. Makes sense, no?
If we warmed up as slowly as the herd, a tiger might come along and eat us before we could.....propogate. Once again, science and the Pix have come together. Delicious.

San Diego 31, Jets 10
Dallas 31, Vikings 20
Indy 31, Balt 17
New Orleans 31, Arizona 28
Whatever....

Back to the suck....Martha Coakley is about to become a Senator. She is. She is going to win next week's election by 10 points. Because the state of Massachusetts is corrupt and incredibly lame and stupid. It is public record that she kept an innocent man in prison (Gerard Amirault) knowing the charges against him were sheer fabrication. Google it. Dorothy Rabinowitz won a Pulitzer for her article in the Journal covering the case from the 80's. It's PUBLIC RECORD. SHE KEPT AN INNOCENT MAN IN JAIL. And she will win. By 10 pts. That is some stinky cheese right there. Thanks again, Mass holes.

Lastly, and the Pix apologizes for Angry Pix this week...get thyselves to "American Idol", and look for my boy "Ski Bo ski". He's this year's Norman Gentle. Only funnier. And authentic. He told the judges his name is "Ski bo ski, baby, yeahhhhhhhhh. And you have to pronounce the yeahhhh". When informed that the shirt he was wearing only said "Ski bo", he replied, "that's what discounts are for, baby". He then proceeded to spell "Ski bo ski" for the judges, "S-k-i-i-o-b-o-s-k". He was then informed that that really doesn't spell "Ski bo ski". To which he replied, "Yeahhhhh". Alrighty then..

Angry Pix out.

Playoff Pix and 2010 randomness

2010-01-08T07:37:00.000-08:00

Happy belated new year to all (with some exceptions that we will soon mention). The Pix is rested and ready for the 2010 NFL tournament. The preseason pix of a Packers-Patriots Superbowl is still alive, albeit struggling with swine flu and a torn ACL/MCL. But that will not dissuade the Pix to sticking (for at least one week) to his original prognostication. Shall we get to some football? Let's not. Let's instead deliver another public service announcement:

To the roided up trainer at a certain gym: The gym hopper is for EMERGENCY USE ONLY. Do people not have bathrooms at home? Every other day, this gargantuan young man uses the public facility at the gym as his own personal science lab. One can only guess, but the noxious gas mixing with shower steam every day at 4:30 can only be the result of two bowls of colon blow, a creatine shake, and a few 5 guys double with onions. Ay Carumba. Please, kind sir, a 10 by 25 square foot cement tomb with no ventilation is no place for you to camp out for 20 minutes and take your afternoon growler. It reminds the Pix of a terrible childhood trauma when the Pix went to the official father's facility to get a band aid only to be met with a two by four gas blast of menthol shaving cream and morning nonsense. The official father is naturally forgiven as the crime took place in his own house. Steroid trainer boy? Not so much. The Pix can only guess that Steroid boy is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship with a young feline and he is playing away games as much as possible. A piece of advice for this young man: the sooner you introduce said bird to the hilarious world of dutch ovens and games of car turtle (lock car windows and release) the faster you will be on the road to an honest and fulfilling relationship. The Pix has spoken.

Cincinatti 19, Jets 17. This game will reek. The srong Jets D with the feeble Jets offense makes for one hell of a boring game. Ocho Cinco has a questionable wheel and Darrell Reivis would shut him down regardless. Perhaps if Chris Henry hadn't jumped out of his baby mama's moving truck, the Bungles receiving corps would hold a little more potency. It would not surprise the Pix at all if the Gas Bag and his crew pulled this one out.......leading to the greatest investment opportunity since Google; betting against the Jets in the divisional playoffs against the Colts. May the Gambling Gods grant us our wish.

Has anyone been following the Casey Johnson story? Holy dysfunction, Batman. Every am the Pix reads "the daily beast"; a mainly political blog that will throw in pop culture stories as well. One can't help but be drawn to this tale of entitled, drugged out, media seeking uber skanks that include Tila Tequilla, Courteny Semel (the Don Juan of Lesbians), the Hilton sluts (er, sisters) and a cast of tens all living in a world the Pix will call Lohan land. Crime scenes involving stolen vibrators? Check. Lesbian socialites in and out of rehab? Check. Death of the Johnson and Johnson family heiress a week after she gets engaged to Tila Tequilla (the bird who starred on a bisexual dating show and later accused Charger linebacker Shawn Merriman of choking her)? Check and double check. And the Pix left out the goog parts. If the decline of western civilization has yet to be confirmed, wait no longer. Get thyselves to "The Daily Beast" and prepare to wet thyselves.

Dallas 31, Philly 24. This should be an awesome game. Can the Romosexuals really win their first playoff game since the internets were invented? Seriously, "Roseanne" was still in prime time the last time Jerry Jones saw his boys win in the post season. Or was it "The Andy Griffith Show"? Either way, these two perrenial playoff chokers are bound to entertain us. If the Eagles lose, don't be surprised if this is Donovan McBiceps' last game. If Dallas loses, au revoir Wade Phillips. Both teams have a slew of young athletes and playmakers. Look for Demarco Ware and Felix Jones to be the difference makers.

Does anyone else pretend to read the London Sun Times online to secretly go to the "page 3" section of topless birds under the guise of wanting to keep informed about the Parliament election this spring? No? Um......never mind.

Green Bay 24, Arizona 13. Yawn. Meh. Blurgh. The Pix has no idea who will win this game, but one has to stay with the preseason pick of the Pack. Plus, Green Bay is one of the hottest teams in the NFL. Stand by for a major digression followed by a long turn home: On December 19th, the first major international sports star, Gareth Thomas (a rugby player in Britain) came out of the closet and admitted he had the gay. It would be the equivalent of, say, Ben Roethlisburger doing so. It made the Pix wonder, if this were to happen in the US, the last city it would go down in (pun intended) would be Green Bay, right? And the most likely city would be New York, LA or SF, no? So here are the Pix' three top candidates for a major closet break in 2010....Jason Bay, New York Mets; Ron Artest, LA Lakers; and Alex Smith, 49ers. Where is the Pix going with this? Um, nowhere.

Has anyone given any serious thought to the projected Red Sox lineup this year???

1. Jacoby Elsbury, LF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2b
3. Victor Martinez, C
4. Youk, 1b
5. Papi against RHP and Lowell against LHP
6. Adrienne Beltre, 3b
7. JD Injury, RF
8. Mike Cameron, CF
9. Marco Scutaro, SS

Not bad, right? Admit it, its' better than you thought. And the Rotation:

1. Beckett
2. Lackey
3. Lester
4. Bucholtz (if the Sox trade him I'll snap)
5. Matsuzaka/Wakefield

Zoinks, right? When do pitchers and catchers report?

In unrelated news, the Pix has once again been observing the herd recently in an effort to provide a detailed scientific traffic study to Congress. Using Marblehead as the control group, the Pix has determined that the Ovarian drivers of the little town are yapping and flapping (talking and texting) 87.675% of the time on their iphones while driving. To eachother. As usuall, the Pix has a solution: Bird Buses. In an effort to reduce green house emissions while simultaneously retraining the felines to interact with one another on a personal level, the Pix proposes 3 public Bird Buses that rotate daily from Market Basket, The YMCA and Yoga. Side routes may include the nail place (whatever the eff it's called), Starbucks, places they sell wine and school pickup. There will be a special section on the back of the bus for really committed iPhone birds to text eachother while all standing within 3 feet from one another. Never let it be said that the Pix isn't looking out for you, ladies. Thanking you, thanking me.

Finally.......New England 27, Baltimore 26. This game scares the guano out of the Pix. Simply put, if Wilfork is close to 90%, we win. If not, we could see Brady lose the first home playoff game of his career. The Ravens run the ball as well as any team in the NFL, but the Pats defend the run extrememly well if VW is healthy. Brady will miss Welker, but the good news is the offensive line is healthier than it's been since September. If Brady get time, Edelman (the Kosher Komet) will be fine. If not.........bad times and a beating for the official wife. Just kidding, honey.....just the usual spanking. And of course you'll have to wear the Peyton Manning jersey with the beige stockings. Ok, moving on here....

Pix out

Random Randomness

2009-12-17T18:25:00.000-08:00

The Pix has had a little difficulty getting back to the keyboard lately. After Marblehead Superbowl weekend, L'affaire Tiger broke and sucked all the air out of the blogosphere. Every morning we are treated to an Advent calendar style of fresh Tiger nip (trying to keep it PG here). The jokes write themselves, the Shaddenfreude is omnipresent and the whole sordid delicious deal continues to gather steam like Matt Evans on punt coverage. To complicate matters in a Pix blogging sense, the official wife and the Pix have some different opinions regarding the matter. While the Pix is outraged by El Tigre's behavior, the official wife thinks that a double standard should apply to athletes and their "transgressions" on a sliding scale based on how much money they make. For example, the official wife has come up with a matrix of acceptable misdeeds that she applies to certain classes of athletes/celebs.

Michael Jordan: The official wife thinks that Jordan (although recently finally divorced), due to his 6 rings and multiple endorsements, should have been able to "party" with multiple partners and that Mrs Jordan should have just known that that's life in the NBA.......National Booty Association. Naturally, the Pix could not disagree more. When not playing hoops, Jordan should have been juicing carrots, reading scripture and building shelters for migrant workers.

Charles Barkley: Here again, let's quote the official wife, "I don't care if Sir Charles runs around Vegas with his pants around his ankles waiving hundos in one hand and his 9 millimeter in the other (the Pix hopes she was referring to a pistol). What man in the world can resist temptation when it's thrown in his face 24/7? It's really not fair to the players........they are away from home so much." Alrighty then, let's just say the Pix has a more family centric philosophy.

Tiger: The official wife thinks that unless Elin can shoot 67 at Pebble, win at St. Andrews without pulling driver and collect hundreds of millions in annual endorsements, she should shut her yap at the least and buy Tiger the new LG3 text phone as an over due "I'm sorry" for bringing all this attention to her man. It's an interesting take, the Pix has to admit. Although the Pix adheres to a rigid code of conduct and is appalled by the official wife's liberal ideas, the Pix is willing to at least respect her opinions.

Moving on.......to the Pix' surprise, emails have been arriving complaining that not enough attention is being given to the NFL.......and.....well......picking games. So let's get to it. Each game will have the precise final score and a little randomness as well. Merry Christmas.

Dallas 31, New Orleans 30. This is a do or die game for the Romosexuals. The Saints are better off losing a game and this is the only one left on the schedule that should be close. In other new, WTF is Luke Wilson doing those horrible AT+T commercials for? Dude used to be legitimately B list. In addition to making a run at the "Alec Baldwin award for face being twice as fat as it used to be", the Pix hasn't seen anyone this disinterested in their job since Randy Moss vs. Carolina. Go make a movie, funny man.

Philly 24, SF 13. Speaking of commercials, I'm going to kick Regis Philbin in the ovaries. This whole "America's most convenient bank" bullshit is making the Pix want to rub his ass in barbed wire and sit in a bowl of gin. What's convenient about a bank? The Pix finds the dentist more convenient. That's why the ATM was invented, dipshits. Because people HATE going to the bank. By the way, TD Bank, you might want to google "online banking" before you spend millions of dollars paying Regis to hold the door open for the 3 fossils left who write checks and talk to tellers.

Arizona 38, Detroit 10. Holy easy money, Batman. A 12 point line on a game the Cardinals must have given their loss to SF last Monday. And didn't Detroit lose by 40 last week to Colby? The Pix has been following the nonsense in Copenhagen this week, by the way. Did you know that the rising carbon dioxide levels in the ocean are making Lobsters bigger? Given the choice between fewer polar bears and super sized lobbies, the Pix says "Pass the butter".

Houston 90, Rams 0. The Pix would like to officially thank Matt Shaub for having the game of his life last week and knocking the Pix (and thanks to you too, Mr. Brady) out of the double secret probation round of his fantasy football league. Fantasy football this year has been as much fun as getting shrivel dick in front of the hot 23 year old nurse before Dr. Nomoreswimmers does his thing.

Cleveland 12, KC 11. What a barn burner of a game. CBS should hire Shelby Scott to do color and hope for a hurricane. In related news, the Pix is watching FOX news....there's some mother missing. Here's a tip from detective Pix.......look in the husband's trunk. Is it EVER anyone else? Insert Elin jokes here...

Patriots 31, Buffalo 21. If we can't beat the Bills with an interim coach and backup QB, then let's just call the season off, shall we? And while we are calling things off, let's shit can "Dancing with the Stars". The Pix admits he watched season 1 five years ago because the girl dancers were smoking and I thought someone would wipe out, but it really is beyond pathetic now. I think some of the Z listers now on the show are Cora Beth Godsey and the guy who played Joe Isuzu, "Mr. Easy". The Pix doesn't want to see any more botoxed geezers with more work than an "Avatar" character do the fox trot while flashing their dentures at Kari Ann Inaba.

Baltimore 17, Bears 2. Hasn't it been fun this year watching Jake Cutler piss himself? Cutler redefines the parameters of smugness. Watching him throw game losing interceptions gives the Pix almost as much pleasure as watching you know who. Which brings us too.....

Carolina 2, Vikings 0. Breet throws 9 picks and retires/comes back at halftime. Breet says that when he thinks of "Wrangler", he thinks of value. When the Pix thinks of "Wrangler", he thinks of Brokeback Breet getting fanny raped by a score of meth crazed Eskimos wearing Peter King masks. Did I just say that out loud?

Tampa Bay 20, Seattle 3. Gotta hand it to the Seahawks defense last week. Holding future hall of famer Matt Shaub to 731 yards and 11 touchdowns was really a noble effort. Maybe if their uniforms weren't the color of my garage floor accented with spilled anti-freeze. Not for nothing, but kudos to the porn industry for wasting no time expoiting the Tiger situation. The same company that brought you "who's nailin' Palin" is set to bring you , "Tiger's Wood". "F" for originality by the Pix thinks they casted well.....except for the fact that Gloria Allred seems to be involved.

Chargers 27, Bengals 21. No jokes about the Bengals this week.

Green Bay 33, Pitt 17. Admit it, even though the Pats are having a bad season, it's mitigated somewhat by watching the Turd Burglar and his fellow turds bite the dust in Steeltown. After coach Tomlin said the team would "unleash hell" four weeks back, they have unleashed a fury of down pillows delivered by the kindergarten class at lower Bell. They have lost to Cleveland, Kansas City, the cast from the "New Zoo Review", Cinci, Nicole Ritchie and Oakland. At home. Woof.

Washington 17, Giants 16. Really breaking the Pix' heart to see the Giants take the pipe, too. And it seems like the hobbit, Daniel Snyder, has a new GM. Snyder goes through staff faster than Imelda Macos goes through red pumps. No? ok....Snyder goes through staff faster than Tiger goes through.......no? Too easy? One last try, Snyder goes through staff faster than Theo Epstien goes through shortsops? Forget it, it's too late and the Pix is on fumes.

It feel like we should wrap this up on a Tiger note. The Pix admits that Tiger has been naughty. His balls are, as they say, in the hazard. And all signs are that he is going to have to re tee. Something tells the Pix that he will survive, however. And Elin will probably find some way to attract another mate given that she will be worth 500 million and still be the hottest Swedish dish on the menu. And in the end, the Pix just wants el Tigre back on the links. Winning majors. Taking out the Golden Bear.......who by the way is a stiff. Tiger is the greatest athlete of this generation. From the standpoint of pure competition, he transcends Ali, Jordan, Russell, all the Mannings combined, Jeter, Gretsky....even Mickelson (please). Golf needs him. TV needs him. He belongs to the fans. And if the official wife is willing to forgive, even endorse him, then who are we humble sports fans to judge? So here's to you Tiger, as the Southwest Airlines commercial suggests, "grab your bag" and get back on the course.

Next week.....the official wife opines on Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, David Beckham, David Letterman and Silvio Berlusconi....

Pix out, enjoy the weekend.

Marblehead Football

2009-12-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

Apologies to International Pix readers who come to this space for Patriots rants and other global issues....for those of you not from Marblehead, come back next week. For those of you who have been part of one of the great local seasons in some time for Marblehead, here's a little post in honor of the local gridiron gang....

Full disclosure......the Juniors on this squad had the misfortune of having been coached by the Pix when they were 7th graders. Fortunately for them, they have been coached up far better since then. If the balance of this post focuses a little more on that class and on a certain official nephew (#20) of the Pix.......it's just because those are the kids I know personally.

Let's start with the Seniors....whose team this really is. Quarterback Hayes Richardson is the star of the show. As the leader of the spread offense, Richardson has piled up points on Header opponents this year like Tiger has piled up "transgressions". Hayes can sling it, but he can also tuck it and run as well as any ball carrier on the team. Very few people in life have the opportunity to lead their team eighty something yards with two minutes left on the clock against their blood rivals with the entire season on the line. As this post may be read by a younger audience than usual, let's be delicate with the vocabulary describing what some men refer to as a part of the anatomy that is associated with "guts". Let's just say the number two is involved, say Hayes has them and leave it at that.

Two of Richardson's favorite Senior targets are Flynn McCormack and Alex Haigis. Haigis had a monster game against the blue. Fans will remember #9's touchdowns, but the catch the Pix will never forget is the jump ball Haigis somehow came down with at the 50 yard line on the last drive of the game. Alex had two defenders draped on him and the ball looked like it might even sail out of bounds. Simply put, if Haigis doesn't make that grab, the season was over.

The two young men opponents least want to see arrive in their area code are #52 Matt Evans and #38 Evan Comeau. They are beasts. They are animals. You can usually identify either of them not by their numbers, but by the way they move. They just don't look like they are incumberred by pads....until the moment of impact. At that point there is a distinct sound from the field, like there's a hidden microphone in their shoulder pads. These kids will wreck you. At one point against the "little blue", Comeau was hit out of bounds after a carry, flipped in the air, bounced off his head and landed on his heels getting up in one fluid motion. The Pix thought he might need a breather. Instead, Comeau let out a primal scream to the sideline that brought to mind a scene from "Braveheart". But there was also a gigantic smile on this kid's face. Years from now when Comeau remembers his favorite moment of this season and perhaps of his young life, the Pix would be surprised if that precise moment doesn't come to mind.

The Pix isn't sure what class Marcell Hardmon is, but #26 has emerged as the primary ball carrier for team and has been the perfect complement to Richardson's arial arsenal. Watching Marcell run, it took the Pix a few games to figure out why he was so successful. Here it is: he gets faster after the first would be tackler hits him. Just like Ali got better after taking his first punch, Hardmon accelerates through contact. And like a lot of good running backs with a low center of gravity, he's hard to find....until you see the back of his jersey running to the end zone.

Some Juniors.....let's first talk about "the Freak". #70, Nick Broughton. Parents aren't supposed to have favorite children, but coaches can have favorite players. Among several others about to be mentioned, Nick was one of the Pix' top kids. It has taken a while for his temper to catch up with his size and ability, but the Swampscott quarterback's last memory of the Thanksgiving game was having the Freak land on him. As the Pix stood next to Mrs. Broughton after the final play, it can neither be confirmed nor denied that the air got a little dusty for a moment or two.

Swampscott coach Dembowski has to hope the Perlows don't have any sons younger than Matt. After brother Sam ruined the little blue's thanksgiving a few years back by taking a pick six to the house to win the game, his younger brother carried on the family tradition of hazing Swampscott by opening the game with a nice reception over the middle. The real moment came, however, when the blue were once again advancing the ball against a completely gassed Marblehead defense. The Magician's "D" hadn't been able to stop anything much in the second half. Matt was hastily inserted into the line when a fallen Marbleheader had to be carried off the field due to dehydration and exhaustion. Perlow blew past his man right at the snap and took down the Swampscott QB.....and all the air came out of the blue baloon. Their fans stopped cheering after that play. It might have been the defensive play of the season.

When #15 Ryan Stanojev came out of the womb, the Pix thinks he must have stiff armed the doctor and scampered off down the hall. The Pix still remembers a third and 15 in our own territory years ago when "stiff arm" Stano got the call and fended off 3 different defenders for the first down. Fast forward four years and you can still see the left handed ball carrier expertly use his right hand to elude tacklers. Used primarily on defense this year, Stano is a ball hawk and an all around athlete. Loo k out for #15 to get a turnover tomorrow.

#42 Josh Freedland is another kid the Pix has been watching all year. The same week Josh blocked a kick and returned it for a touchdown, the "Reporter" listed "the Professor" on the high honor roll. The Pix isn't sure, but he thinks it was Freedland who lowered his shoulder and denied Swampscott on 4th and inches giving back the ball to the offense with a little over 2 minutes left in the game. #42 is deceptively fast and strong. The Pix would be shocked if Josh wasn't a co-captain next year.

There are many players the Pix would like time to write more about (super lineman Liam Gilliand comes to mind). With time for just one more, the Pix has to give it up for the official nephew, #20, Will Quigley. Quigley's interception on the second play of the Swampscott game set the tone for the day. His touchdown reception over the middle was seen in high definition by all the "midget" players who were crowding the end zone fence along with their fathers. The Pix looks forward to two more seasons of following #20. Will's biggest fan, the General, will be watching tomorrow's game from the ultimate seat in the sky box.

Like all youth sports that culminate at the high scool level, there will be an emotinal investment being made from the stands that is hard to put into words. For whatever reason, football is the greatest of all the sports in this way. The Pix thinks it is because football is the sport that requires the kids to make the greatest physical and emotional investments. You can see it in the players' eyes at the end of games. There is nothing left to give. As the Seniors take off their uniforms tomorrow, for most of them, it will be for the last time. If the Pix could be in the locker room, he would tell them that in life, what matters most is not the destination, but the journey. The journey. These young men have been on and have taken their fans and family on a journey that few ever get to go on. We thank you for the ride.

Last week the Boston Globe wrote that Rockland merely had to "find the Manning Bowl" for them to get to the next round. They found the Mannning bowl. They found coach Rudloff. They found Evans, Perlow, Hardmon, Demarco Dooley and the Freak. They found Comeau, Gilliand, Forman and Freedland. They found Quigs and Stano. They found Hayes Richardson and they found a beat down compliments of the 5000 or so screaming Marbleheaders who will now make their way to Foxboro. For their efforts, the Marblehead High School football team will set foot on the same turf as some of the greatest players in the history of the game.

The Pix would simply like to salute the team, the coaching staff and everyone involved with the program. Good luck, boys. You have made your parents proud. You have made your town proud. Hopefully you have made yourselves proud. Go get them.

Curious calls

2009-11-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

Boston sports fans have had a rough week. We've had to listen to local
and national media all week long badmouth the Guru for blowing the game
against our most hated rival. It was exhaustingenough to have to understand how the Pats blew a 3 touchdown lead in the 4th quarter....but adding to that fisting
was the knowledge that the Guru may have lost his fastball. In
addition, it's beginning to look like the blessings from the sports
gods over the last several years in Boston have all but dried up.
ShouldBelichick have punted? Not sure. The Pix kind of liked the call
at the time. What the media of course has failed to even mention once
this week is that if the refs give Faulk a better spot, the word
"genius" would be getting thrown a whole lot. Anyway, the whole episode
has left the Pix less inspired than ArianaHuffington at a Sarah Palin book signing. Whether or not one agrees or not disagrees with Belichick, we should all agree that the following items are even more curious....

1.
The people who bring their own bags to the grocery store. What the hell
is going on here? Since when did the answer to "paper or plastic?"
become, "no thanks, I brought my own." Really? Plastic too convenient
for you? Recycling paper bags not "green" enough?WTF ? What makes this
even more outrageous and, quite frankly, blew the Pix' mind is that
people actually have to BUY these queer bags. Holy poseurs, Batman.
Even worse, several months ago, the Pix opened the rear door to theshaggin
' wagon and spotted 10 of these completely gay "Market Basket" bags.
Evidently, the official wife is in on this fraud. Honey, if we are so
cost conscious that we are grocery shopping at Market basket then we
should probably accept their kind offer to supply us with complimentary
paper bags. Please and thank you.

2. Market Basket. For those readers unfamiliar with this grocery store chain, imagine a Cinco de
Mayo party crossed with the last few embassy workers fleeing Saigon in
April 1975 when that helicopter got pushed off the roof. Just bedlam.
In Spanish. Every time the official wife braves this trip and returns
with all 3 official kids, the Pix is amazed and relieved. Occasionally
on rainy weekends the Pix will take the official boys to Target to pick
up some toys and a little swine flu. Since Target is located right next
door to Market Basket, the Pix occasionally glances in the direction of
the mammoth beast and thinks ofKurtz'a last words from "Heart of
Darkness", "The Horror! The Horror!" Please, dear readers, stay away
from Market Basket and save thy selves.

3. Dudes in their 60's
who like to walk around nude in locker rooms. It never ceases to amaze
the Pix. Show the Pix a men's locker room and the Pix will show you a
flock of geezers swinging their junk around like it's anAARP nudist convention. Really? No towel
around the waist? Last week the Pix (while changing as quickly as
possible) had to listen to some fossil on his cell phone have a full
conversation with some unsuspecting soul while he put one leg up on the
bench and aired himself out in all his glory.WTF? Attention naked geezers, put down the cell phones and put on some skivvies.

4.
Worse still.......people who go to the gym who evidently have not
bathed in what must be weeks. This was a bad week for the Pix at the
gym. After surviving the naked caller, the Pix was minding his own
business when all of a sudden some foreign looking dude walked by
leaving a stench so thick that had I taken a picture of the air, I'm
pretty sure the scent would have appeared on film. This was the kind of
stench that is so powerful and stubborn that it refuses to leave the
area. It had the power of a million egg farts and a shelf life longer than uranium. There is no friggin
way possible this dude didn't know he reeked. Fortunately, the mystery
stinker left before the Pix became belligerent. If this olfactory
offender reappears, the Pix is paying for his membership to be revoked.
Here's a sample of the conversation that will occur the next time the
Pix and stinky boy cross paths.

Pix: "Hey Stinko, beat it. I'm serious, bolt, get out of here. You reek."
Stinks: "What?"
Pix:
"YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE GYM. I JUST PAID FOR YOUR MEMBERSHIP. YOU CAN'T
COME HERE ANY MORE. YOU SHOULD BE IN A MENTAL FACILITY."

I know
some readers may think that's a bit harsh, but do we not all share some
form of social contract with one another in civilized society? You
can't just go around running red lights, driving on the left side of
the road, starting fights etc....and smelling so foul that those around
you can not stand to be in your presence has to fall in there
somewhere, doesn't it? Wicked sorry, but the Pix is only after a
minimum of acceptablebehavior. Thanking you thanking the Pix. Which leads to another thing that stinks..........

5. The Jets. Not only can the Jets not wipe away the stench that Breet
left them with last year, their coach broke down and had a little cry
in front of his team this week to get them fired up for the Pats. Or to
get ready for Oprah's last season.....one or the other. Seriously, Rex,
you can't act like a big fat bully one day and then let your inner
daughter break out during a team meeting and sob like you just watched
the last scene from "Beaches". It's just not done, man. The Pats will
be fired up after last weeks unmentionable. Final score: NE 37, Jets 19.

Disclaimer: The Pix will neither confirm nor deny having seen "Beaches". The Pix has no idea what happened to Bette Midler in the end. Nor has he heard the song "Wind Beneath My Wings". Ever. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Pix out

Kooky Birds

2009-11-13T07:15:00.000-08:00

As all readers know, the Pix has been studying the feline form for a long time and considers himself somewhat of an expert when it comes to "observing the herd". To say the least, they are an amusing gender. Normally, the kooky and silly ways of the ovarian society are best appreciated while taking in their behavior with a grain of salt and a small shake of the head. Girls will be girls, as they say. Lately, however, the hormonal herd has been a little more than normally off kilter. Irrespective of any lunar issues, several articles have popped up in the news that, in conjunction with not a few incidents on the homefront, have the Pix concerned and compelled to help out the matronage.

Johann Goethe, esteemed German writer, polymath and author of "Faust" famously wrote, "Ewig-Weibliche zieht uns hinan". Which as we all know, means "these beetches be krazy". Exhibit A....http://bbc.co.uk/2/health/8352711.stm. That's right, British birds are lining up at their surgeons offices to shell out $5,000.00 for labiaplasties. In other words, it seems camel toes are quite out of style in jolly old England. The NHS in England reports that there were 1,118 performed last year (an increase of 70%), however the true number is unknown since the vast majority of these procedures were performed privately. As Larry David would say, "Oy Vey Gishmir". It's bad enough that this generation of gals are drowning in tramp stamps and multiple piercings, the poor things seem so confused and desperate to please the hommes that when they are not mutilating themselves, they are busy posting self made sex tapes and appearing in "Girls Gone Wild" videos (which, incidentally, they appear in for free while a man named Joe Francis makes millions). Ladies, please, calm thyselves.

Exhibit B....earlier this week, the official wife, sister and Mrs. Vegas went out for a little birthday dinner to a local white tablecloth restaurant. Innocent enough, one might think. However, after getting their Chardonnay on and losing the official sister to some unknown malady, Thelma and Louise decided to cruise the north shore looking for any establishment that might still be serving some drinking damselles. What makes this anecdote worth mentioning is that of all the establishments they could have tried, they decided to go the G5. For the inernational readers of the Pix, the G5 is a men's only club where they serve dollar drafts to men seeking to escape the company of the fairer sex. It's not the type of place with a wine list, and this fact was clearly known by the sisters of sauvignon blanc. Clealy, princesses of pinot grigio simply wanted to gain access to the forbidden fortress. A place where sports and poker and pool are prevalent. Why is it that the kooky birds have been trying to break into men's clubs, pubs, forts, and secret gay societies since the beginning of time? Ladies, please, form thine own clubs.

Exhibit 3....Bachelorette parties. Have you seen what these things have turned into lately? Entire web sites are now dedicated to the zany antics of repressed butterflies seeking to one up whatever their male counterparts may or may not be doing on the stag party circuit. Let's just say the Pix has seen enough of these first hand to be frightened by the very idea of a bachelorette party. The Pix won't get too specific (one hates to cast aspersions), but on one instance the fiance returned with phalli made of every material known to man(the manganese one was weird) and the other with a sex tape involving the betrothed, the Harlem Globetrotters and a donkey. Fortunately for the Pix, the official wife went to a local homeless shelter and read scripture to the blind for her BP. If this generation of felines didn't have enough to live up to.......be a full time mom, have a full time job at same time etc...it seems as if they are trying to make up for 100 years worth of payback for bachelor parties. The Pix isn't sure who to be more afraid of, Muslims in the US military about to be shipped overseas or a score of crazed bachelorettes.... For the love of humanity, please, ladies, put your bra back on, the tequila shot down and step away from the bar.

We know, ladies, it's not fair. Remember the perfume commercial from the '70's for a product called "Angelie"?. There was some buxom brunette singing, "I can bring home the bacon..........fry it up in a pan......and never ever ever let you forget you'r e a man. Cause I'm a Wooooooman. Angelie". The Pix has no idea where he was going with this, other than it made me think of bacon and now you will be humming that tune the rest of the day if you remember it. Oh, yes, the Pix remembers.....he is here to help....

1. Do indeed, bring home the bacon. Preferably uncured without sulfites. Maybe a thick sliced applewood smoked little number to go deliciously with the 10:00 am medium fried organic free range chicken egg on sour dough Bays english muffin with shredded cheddar. Please and thank you.

2. Do not, however fry it up in a pan. Instead, place a cooling rack in your half sheet pan over a layer of parchment paper and bake at 350 for about 15 minutes. The bacon won't curl or burn and clean up will be a breeze. Thanking you, thanking me.

3. Never ever let me forget I'm a man. Um, shouldn't be too hard. Upon arrival home, provide the Pix whith a chilled martini glass straight from the freezer and fill said vessell with 2 parts Bombay gin and one part filth (olive juice). Two olives, one toothpick, no kids with H1N1 or full diapers and the remote. Pleasing.

There it is ladies, the Pix is here to help.

Football........only one game matters this week. Pats +3 at Colts. The Pix is a little nevous due to the fact that too many pundits are picking the Pats, but the Pix just doesn't see the Colts D sans Sanders able to stop Brady and co. You know the Guru only used half his playbook last week while euthanizing the Dolphins and will have some trix up his sleave for Indy. Let's say Patriots 41, Colts 30. An old AFC shootout.

Minor disclaimer.......all references to all above mentioned characters are purely fictional and are for entertainment purposes only. Except for DUG a few weeks back. He is real and he is very dangerous.

Pix out.

Spanks for nothing

2009-10-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

The Pix took some time off from beating his children recently and went online to peruse the internets for some potential topics on which to opine. There was, of course, the usual....Balloon boy, John and Kate, Letterman and his ho's, Steve Phillips and his most unfortunate choice of crazy fat skank to sabotage his life with. So pedestrian, such low hanging fruit, so bourgeois. The Pix knows that his four readers really want international intrigue or perhaps some existential exercise debating the merits of cultural relative morality vs. a quasi Jungian approach to religious mores. Or maybe more porn titles. As usual, the theme for today's post is totally random and spontaneous. It comes from 3 of the 8 headlines from Fox news Boston.....which the Pix was directed to in order to vote on the game of the week for high school football. The three story lines Fox was pursuing were asinine even by Fox's standards. Here they are:

1. An article about colleges cracking down on beer pong due to the swine flu. Really? Seriously? There's "fluid sharing" going on at colleges? Folks, listen, the Pix has been to college. Tried to break into one last week. As far as the spread of communicable diseases is concerned on college campuses across this great nation, plastic beer cups and ping pong really shouldn't ring the register. Maybe funnels, "trains", and throwing on some guys lacrosse shorts sans undergarments for the walk of shame. Beer pong? Not so much. The Pix played and was witness to roughly 6 million games of beer pong freshman year alone and never once did the Pix witness cups being cross consumed from. Pissing in the SAE's air vents? Perhaps. Feeding a large stray dog a 5 lb bag of Alpo with a little ex-lax and locking him in the SAE basement? Can't confirm nor deny. Paying our "little sisters" to bake some turbo-lax into the SAE bake sale brownies the morning of Greek Week? Um, guilty. But the unwritten rules of beer pong were and are to this day clear. Drink from thine own cup.

2. A gym in Marblehead caused a stir when the owner decided to hang a 12 foot American flag above the staircase. No shit.....this was a real news story. There were actual members who complained. Some threatened to quit. Ummm........don't let the door or my right foot hit you on the ass on the way out. Want to irritate the Pix? 1-hide the remote. 2-use filtering software on the internets. 3-Say anything about Breet other than you are going to put anti-freeze in his gatorade. 4-Act like a self righteous half enlightened putz by claiming that even mild forms of Patriotism are xenophobic or offensive. Dear Lord, don't get the Pix started. First of all, this is the gym that Chris Piper worked out in ......trained in every day he was home before and between active duty where he served in Delta force at various times in South America, Iraq and Afghanistan (where as most people know he was fatally injured by an IOD). The Pix has a strong feeling that the same asshats that object to the flag in a gym are the pretentious poseurs who have the green "Not on Out Watch" signs in their front yards referring to Darfur. As the Pix has noted before, these people couldn't find Darfur on a map with the help of Google. Not on their watch? The last time the Pix checked, the Chinese demand for Sudanese oil and their desire to remain out of the types of conflicts the West has become involved with marginally outweigh their fear of economic sanctions emanating from 3 families in Marblehead. You fucking poseurs. Don't like the flag in the gym? Want to cancel your membership? Good, the Pix just joined that gym today thanks to you and if the Pix hears you complaining about the flag you are going to get a Darfur sign right up your ass. By the way, the Pix is slightly tipsy as he types this.

3. An article detailing the perils and emotional hardships brought on children by raising your voice. The article was titled "Is Yelling the new Spanking?". Allow the Pix to answer that question. Um............................no. If yelling is the new spanking, then the official wife is far more into bondage than the Pix had known. Seriously, isn't spanking the new spanking? And doesn't it work really well? The Pix was spanked so much as a child by the official father that the old man felt there was too much padding on the ass and went with a belt to the back of the thighs. That smarted. And yelling? If getting yelled at causes emotional scarring, the Pix would have long ago been at the Post Office with an AK-47 and thousand of armor piercing rounds. As it is, the Pix saves those for the green sign gang. But let's allow ourselves to indulge in a little new age pussified word euphemism for a moment, shall we? Actually, let's not. Let's go the opposite way.....Here are some Fox headlines you may read when the Pix takes over the Boston affiliate.

Is staying out late with the boys at a strip joint is the new getting home early and reading scripture?

Are biscuits and gravy the new the new carrots?

Is slamming some one's face into their windshield for not turning on the blinker is the new honking?

Is "Piss off" the new "no thank you"?

Is killing Breet the new euthanasia?

Obviously, none of these things are true, except the last, but here is a small list of what is..

40 is the new 30.......until the Pix turns 50
The '09 Pats are the new '02 Pats (winning the super bowl)
Mark Sanchez is the new dirty Sanchez.
The '09 Yankees are the new '03 Yankees (they lose in 7)
Spankwire is the new Red Tube

Oh, football...........The Pix:

Houston -3 @ Buffalo
Dolphins +3 @ Jets
SF +14 @ Colts
Dallas -10 over Sea
Browns + 14 @ Bears
NYG +1 @ Phi
SD -17 over Oak
Tenn -3 over Jax
AZ -10 over Carolina
GB -3 over Vikings......LOCK OF THE MILLENIUM
Atl +10 @ NO

Pix out....

Dear Pix...

2009-10-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

Most readers are already aware that the Pix is an expert on football, the internets, sandwich condiments and ancient Sumarian culture. The Pix is also considered fairly well versed in Asian currencies, American Presidents from 1804-1828, curing bed head, prison art and avoiding crowds, lines and traffic. What some readers may not be aware of, or even be surprised to hear is that the Pix is generally considered to be a relationship expert. The Pix hates to brag, but a trip or three around the old matrimonial pole tends to foster some major relationship skillz. Many a night the phone will ring or the blackberry will vibrate with someone, somewhere needing some emergency advice, Pix style. Therefore, in the spirit of matrimonial bliss and the general improvement of male/female relations......here is the first Pix advice column...all questions are real and have come from actual fop's. Names and places have been altered to protect the innocent.

Dear Pix,
I was recently overserved at a dinner party and was then woken up the next morning by my wife and kids at 9:30 am. What's wrong with this picture?
Signed, Dug from Marblehead

Dear Dug,
What's wrong with this picture? How about everything? First of all, the Pix requires 10 hours of comfy sleep starting at whatever time the Pix' head hits the pillow. It sounds like your woman is insensitive and doesn't care about your health. Not only that, what are the kids still doing in the house? They should be out raking leaves or getting a paper route. Good God, man. Get ahold of your situation pronto. My advice is to leave a note for the Mrs. with breakfast instructions and an approximate time for the meal is to be served. May I reccommend a #4 from the DD? Sometime around noon, I should think. That should leave you enough time to make any late fantasy football changes before the 1:00 games and to send the little lady to the liquor store in case you are running low on refreshing beverages. Needless to say, the remote should be properly placed on the left hand side of your breakfast tray and all shades should be drawn so that no devil sunlight will disturb your delightful repast.

Dear Pix,
Last Thursday morning I had to get dressed in a hurry for work. Sometime around noon I noticed that my wife had rolled one black sock with a navy blue one. You can imagine my disgust. How should I handle this egregious error?
Signed, Akky

Dear Akky,
First of all, I aplaud your patience and tolerance waiting for the Pix to reply before you acted. Although no one could have blamed you regardless of your response. The Pix, in cases such as these, recomends a sliding probationary scale for domestic injustices and disturbances. Improperly folding or matching the laundry is a serious offense. Fortunately in this case it was not mixing whites and darks together. For a first offense (which I have to suppose this is) I would revoke Oprah watching privaleges for one week. Second offense? Take away the car keys.

Dear Pix,
My wife and I live in a house with only one TV. Most of the time we watch what I want to watch, but occasionally I give in and let her watch an episode of "Grey's Anatomy". Should I just buy another TV?
Signed, Breet in Minneapolis

Dear Breet,
You have only one TV AND you let your wife choose shows? Why don't you just get a second job while your wife dates other men? Or even better, why don't you get on her facebook account and contact all her past boyfriends and set up a time when they can all watch "The View" and have a giant orgy? In the meantime you can go to the mall and buy her gift cards for endless massages and pedicures. Here's the Pix' advice: Put on your Jets jersey and walk into "The Triple OOO's" in Southie screaming that you voted for Obama and that Whitey Bulger liked dudes.

Dear Pix,
My wife and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this month and I'd like to do something special for her. Any ideas?
Mr. Vegas in Marblehead

Dear Mr. Vegas,
First of all let me congratulate you on such a lengthy marriage. 5 years is a hurdle many couples struggle getting over. Now that you are clearly in such a secure place in your relationship, the Pix would argue that you are probably beyond the point in "trying" to impress the little lady any longer. Nonetheless, if you must, here's a few ideas for a special night out....first of all, pick a Thursday. ESPN usually has some decent conference football games on. You don't want to waste one of the "real" weekend nights on a date with your wife. Where's she going to go, right? Anyhoo, I'd say to hit "Hooters" for some wings and pre game beverages. Then head over to the "Fours" and get yourselves some good bar seats for the game. Preferrably on the corner so you can check out any hotties that walk behind her and not get busted. After the game, what say you take in some local dancers? Remember, Thursday is amateur night at the "Cabaret" and there is a nice little gift store next door for some late night entertainment. Be sure to leave your breakfast order where she can see it in the a.m.

Dear Pix,

Last Sunday my wife totally jinxed the Patriots by asking me what I wanted for dinner right when the ref called Leigh Bodden for taunting. Should I write coach Belichick and apologize? I'm afraid of the playoff tiebreak scenarios given that Denver is in our conference. On a related note, my wife is on TV probation and I have started her on a prescription of Uncle Wiggly's throat cream to help her not talk during games. Have I covered all the bases?
Signed, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The world is broken into two types of people. Those who "get it" and those who don't. Clearly, Anonymous "gets it". The Pix wouldn't write coach yet, there's a chance the game won't have playoff implications. As for the other points, well played.

That's all the time the Pix has for this week folks. You know the Pix is all about romance and treating the ladies right. Given proper instruction, there's no reason a good wife can't consistently keep the ball between the goalposts. Please feel free to email the Pix with any relationship questions you may have. If you are in need of some personal instruction, drop by the Pix' house on any given Sunday and see how the Pix do.

KC +6 at Washington
Saints -3 vs Giants
Buccs +5 vs Panthers
Texans +5 vs Bengals
Steelers -14 over Browns
Rams +11 over Jags
Det +14 over Packers
Raiders +14 over Eagles
Bills +10 over Jets
Tenn +10 over Pats
Chargers -3 over Donkeys
Official wife +10 over Pix after reading this post

Pix out.

Sartorial Splendor

2009-10-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, let's address the elephant in the room. Or the Stain on the earth. We all saw Breet last Monday night. The Duke of Douchiness, the The Prime Minister of Putrescence, the Viscount of Vaginosis.......Breet. As a lover of the history channel, it occurs to the Pix that the the three worst people of the last century were in ascending order:

1.Hitler....not much need for explanation here.
2.Pol Pot....leader of Khmer Rouge responsible for the killing of 21% the population of his own nation of Cambodia. (Not to be confused with Pot Paul, a suburban tennis playing puffer).
3.Breet. A proven kitten drowner and child molester. Rumors that he provided Roman Polanski with the Champagne and Quaaludes used n sodomizing a 13 year old girl have been confirmed by the Pix. As have rumors regarding the fact that Breet enjoys pickles with his cheeseburgers, bestiality and long walks on the beach. Ok, I made the last one up, but long walks on the beach are overrated.

The one thing the Pix will admit is that Breet looked good in purple. Why? Because the Vikings were wearing their throwback uniforms. The Pix has mentioned this before, but virtually every throwback uniform looks better than the current duds. Pun intended. Part of enjoying a football game in high definition is the aesthetics. And not to completely get my gay back, but the Pix has some thoughts on today's NFL uniforms. The Pix:

Viqueens -9 at Rams: The Vikings need to punt the swirly Nike designs they adopted a few years ago and to back to the unis they wore Monday night. The horned helmet design is a classic, but spike the purple pants on away games. They're gay. The Rams succumbed to the classic marketing strategy of the past decade by changing from yellow to gold after they won a Superbowl. Look at what has happened since. If it was good enough for Lawrence McCutchen, it should be good enough for you, Lambs.

Bengals +9 at Ravens: The first year the Bengals went to the striped helmet they went to the Superbowl. What seemed a little aggressive at the time are now pretty classic uniforms. Well played, Cinci. The Ravens? A forced look for a non descript team with no history playing in a city that becomes more and more minor league every year. Purple and black is not a color scheme. It's an accident between a pacer and a gremlin.

Redskins +4 at Panthers: The only thing left for the once proud Washington franchise is their great uniforms. Maybe the best helmet in the NFL. Personally, the Pix prefers the old Billy Kilmer uniforms from the 1972 Superbowl team over the Joe Theisman era two strip symmetrical sartor, but that's picking nits. However, if the Supreme Court makes them change their names and logos to something gay like the Lorax or Sneetches, the Pix reserves the right to revoke their high grade. The Panthers are boring and barely belong in the NFL. Every (almost) week the Pix wastes valuable second of his life writing useless words about the Panthers. Let's pretend they don't exist.

Steelers -11 over Lions. Two of the sweetest unis in the league. Although the Lions added that worthless black stripe to the proceedings a few years back in an effort to climb from 32 to 31 in merchandise sales. Memo to Lions: shitcan the black stripe. Steelers unis? Delicious!(was that too gay?)

*******Special Pix Public Service Announcement*******

People, people, people......the word "hysterical" doesn't mean what you think it means. You mean hilarious, not hysterical. Hysterical refers (according to Webster's) to a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability, or behavior exhibiting overwhelming fear. The Greeks thought the condition was particular to women and originated in the Uterus (Breet gets hysterical from time to time). It doesn't mean funny. Repeat, it doesn't mean funny. Thank you, please drive through.

Cowboys -8 over Chiefs: Nothing to see here. Just two solid traditional NFL uniforms that should never be tampered with. Maybe the Supreme Court will make the Chiefs remove the arrowhead shape from their helmets and replace it with a stalk of wheat or a hexagon. Has the Pix mentioned that the Supreme Court is gay?

Giants minus infinity against the Raiders: Kudos to the Giants for switching back to their uniforms from the 50's a few years back. Huge improvement over their 1980's quasi streamlined blocky cocaine laced uniforms. And where would the Raiders be without their classic silver and black with the coolest helmet logo in the NFL. What's that? They'd still be 1-3 with a real shot at 1-15? True that. Moving on....

Bucs +15 at Eagles: The Bucs' uniforms are a good example of no good intentions going unpunished. These unis suck. They remind me of a pancake house menu. The orange and white beauties from 1976 should never have been changed. The Pix has spoken, end of story. The Eagles efforts are solid, but the wing looks a little weird on the helmet. Best Eagle unis? Think Randall Cunningham, Keith Jackson and Reggie White's team under Buddy Ryan. The 2009 version makes me think Donovan Mcboring. Which makes me yawn. The Pix is getting sleepy.

Bills -6 over Browns: A few years back the Pix wrote about the conversation that somehow must have taken place decades ago in Cleveland........"Hey fellas, we need a color to go with Brown for our new football team named after me, the Browns?"...."How about Orange?"....And , well, the rest is history. As far as the Bills are concerned? (And no lie, this team is named after their first owner as well, Bill someone. As the Pix has said before, it's a good thing his first name wasn't Richard) Only a franchise as lame as the Bills could go with a uniform that screams fashion disaster over their classic throw backs. Incredible. And the red helmets? An abortion. Here's a list of people who should wear red helmets: Firemen. That's it, that's the list.

Niners -2 over Falcons: Let' just say the Falcon's color scheme matches their city and leave it at that, shall we? The 49'ers uniforms are, in the opinion of the Pix, the best in the NFL right now. But here's the thing.....Mike Singeltary wears a GIANT wooden cross (the cross of St. Andrew) around his neck on the outside of his clothes. The Pix is all for freedom of religion, but what if, for example, Marv Levy had worn a hubcap sized star of David around his neck? Think anyone would notice? What if Kareem Abdul Jabaar strolled the sidelines in a Niqab (He was a chick)? It's just a little out there is all the Pix is saying. We get it, Mike. You are a Christian. Congrats.

Colts -3 at Titans. Colts good unis. Titans lame and pathetic. Moving on.

Jets -2 at Dolphins: Jets were wise to go back to the Namath unis and shit can those Kermit outfits that stalwarts like Richard Todd Joe Klecko wore. Those things were as boring as Penn St.'s. The 1972 Dolphin unis were the best in the history of the league. Ever since they added a weird navy blue accent they have lost their identity. Half the time when I turn on a Dolphins game it take me a second to make sure it's not the Jaguars. That didn't used to be the case. Most know that the Pix was a huge Dolphin fan growing up. It took Don Shula losing his 187,408th lead using the prevent defense to finally turn the Pix into a Pats fan. What's that? You don't care? Alrighty then....

Pats -infinity at Donkeys. Two of the worst uniform violations committed in the history of the NFL. First, the Donkeys. Orange was their signature color! You always knew the Donkeys from 1. the hideous orange jerseys, 2. the hideous light/royal/weird shade of blue helmets with a logo too big for it's size and 3. from 1959 through 1999 they didn't play away games. And Donkey Elway's teeth. Holy gums, batman. Hey John. Mr. Ed called and said he wants his mandible and maxilla back. Now their uniforms make me think of Donkey Shannon Sharpe, speaking of huge pie holes. The Pix misses Shannon. Shannon is the only person alive that speaks worse than mumbles Menino. Those two should star on a game show called "what the **&^*%^ did he just say?" And the Patriots? C'mon. Admit it, the Flying Elvis is gay. Fortunately for the Kraft family, the Pix is here to help. Bring back Pat the Patriot logo, keep silver and blue as the color scheme with red piping and bring back the old style of straight lined uni with shoulder stripes. There, it's done.

Unfortunately for the teams with bye weeks this week, they won't have their uniforms broken down by the Pix, a tragedy for them to be sure. As a consolation prize, the Pix will rate the top uniforms of the other major sports....

Best Hockey uniforms:
1. Blackhawks
2. Red Wings
3. Maple Leafs
4. Canadiens
5. Bruins

Hoops:

1. Celtics
2. Bulls
3. Rockets
4. That's it, the rest are horrible

Baseball:

1. Cardinals
2. Red Sox
3. Dodgers
4. Cubs
5. Phillies

College football:

1. Notre Dame
2. Ohio St.
3. UCLA
4. Texas
5. Nebraska

College Hoops:

1. North Carolina
2. Davidson
3. Maryland
4. Louisville
5. UCLA

Please don't overwhelm the comments section as much as you have in weeks past. The Pix can't digest more than 1 reader comment per week. Last Pix public service announcement....if you haven't discovered comcast channel 287 yet, go there Sunday. yes, readers of the Pix, there is a Santa Claus.

Pix out......

I REALLY dream of Jeannie

2009-09-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

Normally the Pix restricts his television viewing to ESPN, the Food network and the History channel. The Pix loves sports, food and watching Hitler go down. Not neccesarily in that order. The Pix also loves HBO and mostly all of the series they have created over the past decade. The Sopranos, Deadwood, Rome, Curb your Enthusiasm, Trueblood and several others (especially Dexter on Showtime). Occasionally, the Pix will peruse some of the "late night" programming by accident. The phenomena that is free and readily available adult programming is really quite something when you consider. The Pix' generation may have missed out on the "free love" hippy and drug fun of the 60's and 70's and the "everyone make sex tape and post it on the internet" thing of this past decade. The Pix' generation was even hazed by the advent of AIDS and, pardon the pun, the explosion in mandatory condom usage. What we can't complain about, however, is the proliferation of free and diverse smut. The Pix won't even go into the role of the internets. What strikes the Pix the most from the standpoint of comedy and late night viewing is the wonderful titles given to the movies that appear on the "on demand" menu. What strikes the Pix as considerably less hilarious is the fact that Comcast shows the actual titles on the bill (according to acquaintences of the Pix). The following are a sample of some of these comical and occasionally unfortunate titles:

A Clear and Present Stranger
Titty Clitty Gang Bang
Saving Ryan's Privates
Bumfight at the Ogay Corrall
Diddler on the Roof
Ed's Wood
Field of Wet Dreams
For your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
I Know Who you Did Last Summer (not to be confused with I Know Who You Did in the Bummer)
Inspect Her Gadget
Jurassic Poke
Lawrence of a Labia
Man on the Poon
My Big Fat Greek Woody
On Golden Blonde
Riding in Cars on Boys
Romancing the Bone
Schindler's Fist.........(that's wrong)
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Sorest Rump
Sperms of Endearment
Tango and Snatch
The Empire Likes Crack
The Loin King
The Wadfather
White Men Can't Hump
Will He Bonk Ya in the Chocolate Factory
Humped back at Notre Dame
My Bare Lady
Ass Ventura
Mchale's Gravy
Sleeping Booty
The Rawshank Infection
What about Boob

And in the spirit of the post from three weeks ago, "You've Got Male"

Which brings the PIx to the title of this post. Of all the spoofs done in the adult film industry, how in THE HELL could they not make one about "I Dream of Jeannie". Starring Larry Hagman and the intergallactally hot Barbara Eden, the premise of the show is that a single dude in his thirties somehow wins the services of a young, hot, magical she beast. Did I mention that she is for all intents and purposes his slave? And oh, by the way, she has to bolt to her bottle if he commands her to. (By the way, remember the bottle? Go Google it. Talk about a "stabbin cabin") In other words, she'll do anything in the world he asks.....cook, clean, make home made beer, get naked etc...and then she has to dissappear the moment he gets annoyed because she gets a little chatty. Um, HELLO porn industry? Think there's enough material here that would be better than, say, "Maude?" And, really, silicone valley, no "Mary Tyler Whore?" C'mon, she was a single bird in the sexual prime of her life, worked in an all male newsroom, and socialized with those two sluts Phyllis (the first cougar) and Rhoda. Which brings us to our next list, titles of real movies or tv shows that could have been porn names:

Toy Story
Backdraft
Anywhere But Here
The Bone Collector
Gone in 60 Seconds
Any Which Way You Can
Howard's End
The Black Stallion
Three Men and a Little Lady
Shaft
Driven
Three's Company
Laverne and Shirley
The Waltons (you people are sick)

Ok, back to some "real" movie names:

Womb Raider
Batman in Robin
Throbbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)
Star Whores
Spankenstein
Swallow Hal
Fifty first Rapes (Drew Barrymore was really good in this)
Bang Hur
Blast From the Pants
Bone of Arc
Breast Side Story
Caddy Shag
Cockodile Dundee
Das Bootie
Dawson's Crack
ET...the Extra Testicle
Erin Yankyourdick
Eyes Wide Slut
Face Jam
Fast and Curious
Fill Bill
Fisting Nemo
Fist Full of Hollers
Gays of Thunder
Gleaming the Pube
Gods and Genitals
Hairy Porker and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin
Harry Pooper and the Sorcerers Bone
How to Bruise a Guy in Ten Ways
Lord of the G Strings: Dildo Saggins, the Throbbit
Lust in Space
Monty's Python and the Horny Gail
Poonstruck
Poke-a-hot-Ass
Position Imposssible
Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's Sister
Scooby Do Me
Sheepless in Seattle
Tea Bagger Vance
The Bare Bitch Project
The Brady Munch
The Count of Monte Crisco
The Legend in Bagger's Pants
The Princesses Ride
Tits a Wonderful Life
Tupac: The Erection
Titty Slickers
Turner and Hootchie
Wangs of New York
Where the Boys Aren't
While You Were Sleeping With Me
When Harry Wet Sally

What does this all have to do with football, you ask? Nothing. The Pix:

Last week, 9-6-1. Season total 19-11-1.

Tennessee +4 over Jets. The Pix is getting a little annoyed with the yapping Jets and their fat gas bag coach. A 3-0 start would have Peter King break out the knee pads for dirty Sanchez. Here's hoping the Titans can prevent that.

Packers -6 over Rams.

Lions +7 over Redskins.

Chiefs +8 over Eagles. The Chiefs are 0-2 against the spread this year. Me thinks the association whith the Patriots (Scott Pioli, Vrabel, Cassell) has Vegas overrating them. This week will be the last chance for the Chiefs to proove they deserve it.

Patriots -4 over Falcons. Let's face it, in his last three football games in the NFL, Brady has been the worst player on the team. He was missing guys last week like his name was Jamarcus. The Giants scheme from the game that shall not be mentioned is doing to the Pats what our scheme from the '01 Superbowl did to the Rams. It showed the rest of the league how to beat them. The Pats are officially on Pix' probation if they lose this week.

Houston -3 over Jacksonville. Have the Jags relocated yet?

Niners +7 over Viqueens. Here's the good news: the Niners defense gets after the quarterback. Breet took some hits last week from the Lions and the Pix is hoping this is the Week Breet winds up on his back more often than Jenna Jamison.

Ravens -13 over Browns. Do you know how hard it is to lay 13 points in the NFL? This is basically saying that the Browns are not a pro team. The Mangini watch begins in roughly two more weeks.

Giants -6.5 over Bucs.

Saints -6 over Bills. Drew Brees is KILLING it in Fantasy.

Bears -2 over Seahawks. Lock of the year.

Pitt -4 over Cincy. Lock of the century.

Miami +6 over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better not get his ass in the end zone this week. The Pix is starting Lendale White and Larry Johnson over him in fantasy football. Let's just say the Pix needs a win this week or he might get dropped from the league due to a possible mercy ruling.

Broncos -1 over Raiders.

Colts +3 over Cardinals. Really? That's the line? Lock of the millenium.

Cowboys -8 over Panthers.

That is all for the Pix this week. For those keeping score at home, last week's answer re the fake story was the last one. Since NO ONE replied in the comments section despite something like 300 (and over 100 new) readers last week, the Pix will attempt to engage the reading public again. Please share a movie title that the Pix missed above. All valid answers will recieve I unit of liquid intoxicant and a public shout out from the Pix.

Enjoy the weekend and watch that cable bill.......Pix out.

The AWAY game

2009-09-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

One might assume that, this being primarily a football blog, away game would refer to a football team going on the road. However, as the Pix ages, things like a simple bowel movement take on much more significance. Gone are the days of ghost shits (perfect logs that disappear without the need for even a single sheet) and time on the bowl without a 2 year old walking in and asking whatever it is that a two year old asks. These days, laying cable, stocking the pond with brown trout, dropping the Jacksons off at the pool...can occasionally become an adventure. This is in no small part because the internal "warning system" we are all born with begins to break down as one ages. When the Pix was a younger man, there would usually be a simple warning with a thirty minute window left to operate. Invariably, this would leave enough time on the clock to get home, find the office hopper with the friendliest confines, or seek out some reasonable place to take care of business. No problem. The "warning system", however, along with a general decline in diet, began to fail some years back and, unfortunately for the Pix (and the Wal Mart on the Lynnway) has on rare occasions failed to work altogether. When the short to no warning sign comes, one must find an immediate venue for a suitable "away" game. A Port-o-John, the ocean, a restaurant or gas station, the airport, the ladies room (i.e the secret mission in enemy territory), all of these places have and must be used in emergencies. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. In the spirit of growing older and away games becoming more and more dicey, the Pix will choose all road teams this week.......and share some stories. All stories are true and happened to people who are known readers of the Pix. The identities will be kept secret until you see the Pix and bribe him with a can of deliciousness.....then I'll tell you. The Pix: Last week 10-5, for entertainment purposes only. And, um, gambling.

Houston at Titans -6. The first story comes from Mr. Vegas. Mr. Vegas is lactose intolerant and could be the subject of this entire blog post. One time on the way to Old Town from Boston, Mr. Vegas had a situation that as he describes it, "called for immediate attention". MV's warning system may be one of the faultiest on the planet and went off somewhere in the Callahan tunnel. The combination of bad traffic, car fumes and stomach cramps that would make a woman in labor relate forced MV to rush into the 99 restaurant in Revere and sprint to the men's room for relief. To his horror, the single stall was occupado. The following conversation ensued:

MV: "Um, buddy, how much longer are you going to be"
Random shitter: "Um, I just started"
MV: "Seriously, dude, I need to go now".
RS: "I'm going to be 'a while'".

Never in the history of man have the two words, "a while", had such dire consequences. In retrospect, Mr. Vegas had no choice but to go to enemy territory for the secret mission, but this he did not do. Yes, getting busted in the ladies room buffaloing the bowl may seem suboptimal, but MV's choice to roll the dice ended badly. Driving 70 miles an hour through three towns and getting safely to his front door wasn't enough. We all know that feeling you get when you think you've "made it". Mr. Vegas gambled. And lost. While putting his key in the front door.

Saints at Eagles -1. This heart warming tale comes from Colby college. It seems there was a mythical beast who went by the moniker "YUG" who was notorious for beating on freshmen football players and fraternity pledges. He was a giant boy with an evil temper and a penchant for keg beer and Chinese food. One particularly unfortunate evening, "YUG got his drink and eat on in a Herculean way. As the story goes, "YUG" got a late warning call and tried to reach the dorm facility in time. Alas, it was too late. Being the gentle soul that he was, he demanded two freshmen pledges assist him off the hopper he was stuck on and to dispose of his badly soiled undergarments. These quick thinking gentlemen threw YUG's bvd's out a third story dorm bathroom window onto the quad, landing in a much traveled walkway leading to the campus' main classroom facility. Unfortunately for YUG, his mother must have worried about her little boy losing his drawers, because she sewed his name into the back of them. Unsurprisingly, YUG got himself a new nickname that fine day.

Bengals +9 at Packers. As most readers know, The Pix went to Green Bay last year to witness football Mecca firsthand. What the readers don't know, is that the Pix had a "code brown" in the Fleet Farm (think walmart for hunters) that rivaled the Cuban missile crisis. After a steady 48 hour diet of bacon, eggs, beer, steak, french fries etc...the Pix was trying desperately to move some product at the hunting lodge before the troops headed out for the day. No dice. Fully aware of the dangerous situation, the Pix was on the lookout for any public facility that could be employed in an emergency. While wandering the isles of Fleet Farm, the call came. Code brown. Def con 5. No warning. 30 seconds at most until a nuclear event. The Pix grabbed the nearest employee (a 105 lb, 17 year old girl) and pleaded for information regarding an employee rest room. Shocked and alarmed at the look on the Pix' face, the following conversation ensued:

girl: "I,I,I,I,I'm ssssssorry sir, but, but, but there's a men's room at isle 12".
Pix: "WHERE IN THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY IS ISLE 12??!?!??!?!"

The Pix began to sprint, knocking over old people, carriages, workers and a rack of hunter orange Packer jerseys. In what only could be described as perhaps the biggest break in the life of the Pix, the men's room was clean and completely empty. After literally replaying the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" (the one where Lloyd puts turbo-lax in his buddies drink), the Pix emerged a new man. To this day, for many reasons, the greatest away game in the life of the Pix.

Oakland at KC -3.
Arizona at Jax -3
Minn -9 at Detroit.

Carolina at ATL -6. Another classic from the class of '89 at Colby College. There once was a man named "filthy Jerg". Strangely, the nickname actually pre-dates this story. It goes something like this....some dude gets engaged and the Jerg and his boys are invited to the couples' house for a boys weekend. The fiancee is out of town and has left instructions for the house to remain immaculate while she is away. You can probably tell where this is going. The animals play beer dye on her aunt's antique dining room table (probably the only item of any worth in the house) and the Jerg proceeds to drink himself into a stupor. He wakes up in the middle of the night on the bathroom floor not knowing where he is, but aware that he has puked and shat himself. He disrobes, but the stench of his own vile liquids overwhelm him and he proceeds to repeat heaving and crapping. In a twisted moment of Jerg logic, he decides he'll try to clean up this crime scene using the bath towels and bath mat. Extrapolating Jerg logic, he then decides he can't just put this stuff in the trash, so he grabs a shovel from the garage and buries his refuse in the middle of the back yard. The following conversation ensues:
Friend: "Jerg, why are you holding that shovel?"
Jerg: "Um, no reason."
Friend: "Dude, did you just bury our towels and bathmat in the back yard?"
Jerg: "Um, no."

Rams at Redskins -9. Sorry to get off topic, but the sound of Paula Deen's voice makes me want to kill someone. And that someone, is Paula Deen.

Tampa Bay at Buffalo -6. Go and google "George Brett shits himself". Just do it. Don't ever say the Pix never gave you anything.

Seattle at 49ers -1. Welcome back.

Baltimore at Chargers -3.
Browns at Denver -3.
Steelers at Bears +3.
Colts at Miami +3

Giants at Cowboys -3. It's 1994. A good friend of the Pix, let's call him Dirty, is one of the groomsmen at wedding somewhere in the South. There is a bridesmaid there who is way out of his league in the looks department, but when Dirty is on his game, he's been known to pull off some major upsets. It's evident right from the start of the weekend that Dirty has his A+ game going. All the jokes are landing, he's managing his buzz perfectly and he's now headed into the wedding reception at 2-1 odds to hook up with the hottest chick in the building. There's just one problem. He's neglected to manage his "away game" effectively. He's been partying for three days and has yet to successfully duke. He lets this slip his mind as he goes in for close at the end of the night. Somehow he manages to arrive at his room with the young lass when he gets the warning. Rumble, rumble. No time. Must go. While his girl waits for him, he proceeds to violate the bathroom in a manner against most international laws and certainly all moral ones. He thinks about the courtesy flush, but decides against it as it may serve as a warning to something going awry in the Sowetan ghetto he has just created. He breaks out into a full lather as he considers his options. As he leaves the crime scene, the girl arises from the bed and announces she wants to brush her teeth. The following conversation ensues:
Dirty: "You CAN'T go in there!" (a little too loudly)
Hottie: "what?"
Dirty: "Um, he, he, I, a, just, I'd just give it a little time, OK?"
Hottie: "Don't worry, I have three brothers. It can't be that bad".
Dirty: "No, Really, I'm warning you."

Hottie turns the corner and steps one foot inside bathroom. Dirty can't watch.

Hottie: "OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE? THAT'S H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH MY GOD! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TURN THE FAN ON!"
Dirty: "I really don't think it would have mattered."

You get the picture. Amazingly, she stayed, but they both passed out while waiting for the air to clear. She was gone when he woke up.

Which brings us to....

Patriots 31, Jets 17. The Guru prepares for away games better than any coach in the NFL. He has beaten the Jets 7 consecutive times in the Meadow lands. Gas bag and Dirty Sanchez will get flushed this Sunday and the miserable stench that is 60,000 Jet fans will never clear.

By the way, one of these stories was completely fabricated. Go to comments section. Correct answers will recieve a can of deliciousness and/or a kick to the scrotalia.

Enjoy the weekend. Pix out.

Week 1

2009-09-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

Some weeks there is time to write the Pix. Some weeks there isn't. This week was the latter. The Pix

Dallas -4 over TB
Saints -13 over Detroit
Miami +4 over Atlanta
Houston -4 over Jets
Denver +5 over Cinci
Philly -2 over Carolina
Indy -7 over Jags
Minn -3 over Cleveland
KC +10 over Baltimore
Giants -6 over Washington
Seattle -7 over Rams
SF +7 over Arizona
GB -3 over Chicago
Bills +11 over NE
SD -9 over Raiders

Pix wants his "gay" back

2009-09-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

For a very long time now, it's been generally accepted that the word police could confiscate vernacular from the good english speaking citizens of America and that there was very little we could do about it. "Retarded" became "slow' and then "intellectually challenged". The "Chairman" became the "Chairperson". In general, any descriptive reference to race, gender, religion, size (there are no midgets, just height challenged folks) or any other category used to describe, well, anyone, became taboo. In some instances, the Pix understands that a euphemism is preferable to the more raw descriptive language. The Pix is particularly understanding when it comes to words used to describe the homosexual community. Let the record show that the Pix is pro gay marriage and pro any other manner of civil rights that same sex couples and homosexual individuals are constitutionally and morally entitled to. Devoted readers of the Pix will even recall that due to ancestry involving the Greek isle of Lesbos, the Pix is, in fact, part lesbian himself. It's just that, well, The Pix misses the word "gay". Upon careful consideration and much study, the Pix is hereby declaring the word "gay" free game again and beyond the jurisdiction of the word police. After all, no child learns the word in the context of homosexuality. We just hear that things are "gay" and although there is a mild pejorative connotation, it's just not that bad a word. And it's really funny. For example:

Last Wednesday the Pix had a gay sandwich. It was a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap with mint pesto. What made the sandwich "gay" was the obvious omission of seared animal flesh. Wouldn't a homosexual man think a "gay" sandwich should have extra meat? See? The Pix isn't here to offend anyone, just reclaim some good old fashion adjectives.

The very next day I was asked for my name and telephone number when I called the same sandwich shop and ordered a turkey club wrap. That's gay. You need my name and number? My name is turkey club wrap and my number is in about five minutes. Hang up the phone and make the Pix a sandwich.

Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond (or it could have been Jessie Helms from North Carolina. Some old redneck Senator....oops, sorry word police) is famous for saying "I don't know the definition of pornography is, but I know it when I see it". Well, the Pix isn't sure what makes something gay or not, but the Pix knows it when he sees it:

The Jets are gay.
The Tampa Bay Rays are gay.
Chuck Norris? Not gay.
Peeing sitting down.....gay. In shower, not so much.
Dark socks are gay.
Valentine's gay should be renamed gay day.
Texting is gay (stolen from "The Hangover")
France? Please.
Rocky and Apollo's beach hug??????? Pix going with not gay.
Venus gay, Serena not gay.
All new NFL uniforms since 1995.....gay. Including the flying Elvis.
Easter.....gay.
Boston Marathon.....the gayest.
Twitter.......gayest thing on earth. Ever.

The Pix could go on, but it's time to awkwardly segue to football. Let's just say that we are not done with random gayness here at the Pix. Pix' 2009/2010 preseason predictions:

NFC West:
Seahawks 10-6. Rebound year and a weak schedule
Cardinals 9-7. Pix predicted their rise last year, but Superbowl loser hangover is well documented.
49ers 7-9. Should have started Alex Smith.
Rams 5-11. Defense will be ok.

NFC Central:
Packers 11-5. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Vikings 10-6. Childress, aka Beeker from the muppets, can't coach. And is gay.
Bears 9-7. I worry about this one. They could be much better.
Lions 3-13. Pix' favorite NFC team. Too bad they stink.

NFC South:
Saints 10-6. Could be much better.
Falcons 9-7. Sophomore slump for Ryan, but Gonzalez a huge addition.
Panthers 8-8. Totally gay fan base. No alcohol allowed at tailgaiting.
Buccaneers 7-9. Just fired Jags, which is hilarious.

NFC East:
Giants 9-7. This division is a complete tossup.
Eagles 9-7. Should be entertaining in nothing else.
Cowboys 8-8. Yawn.
Redskins 8-8. All depends on QB. Defense is legit.

NFC Champs......Packers

AFC West:
Chargers 12-4. They are LOADED talent wise, but Norvil Turner is Norvil Turner.
Chiefs 8-8. Scrappier than most think.
Donkeys 6-10. McDaniels will be a great coach someday, but not this year.
Raiders 4-12. JeMarcus is French for lazy and not so smart.

AFC South:
Colts 11-5. Still the team that the Pix respects the most as a Pats rival.
Texans 10-6. D is legit. Shaub has to stay healthy. Lots of skill on O.
Titans 8-8. OVERRATED.
Jaguars 7-9. Will re-locate to LA in 2012.

AFC North:
Ravens 11-5. Could be VERY good.
Steelers 9-7. Luckiest team in history.
Cinmates 7-9. Don't tell anyone, but Pix actually likes Ocho Cinco. Could be a Patriot in the next few years. You heard it here first.
Browns 3-13. The Pix didn't forget about you, Mangina.

AFC East:
Patriots 15-1
Dolphins 9-7
Bills 8-8
Gay Jets 0-16

AFC Champs: Jets. No, wait. Patriots.

SB Champs: Patriots (does this even need to be said?)

There you have it. More details to come in Week 1 of the Pix. The gay preseason has been great, but starting in just a few weeks, the deliciousness will begin to flow in copious amounts at the official home of the Pix. Not for nothing, but Ben and Jerry's recently honored Vermont's legalizing gay marriage by renaming "Chubby Hubby" ice cream to "Hubby Hubby". The Pix would think that giving it no name whatsoever would say it all. Just call it "Ben and Jerry". Sometimes less is more, no?

See you all next week for the actual Pix, where another 65% season of picking against the spread is doubtful, but hopefully mildly amusing.

Pix out.

Douchebag

2009-08-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Just when the Pix thought it might be time to fire up the internets for the 09/10 NFL season, along comes a certain someone who the Pix has mentioned once or twice in the past. I refer, of course, to Barney Frank and the national health care debate. Um, no, it's Breet.

The Pix isn't sure what's left to be said that hasn't already been said. Followers of the Pix recall that none of Breet's seven faux retirements was taken seriously in this space. Each separate con job was called out and each unretirement was correctly predicted. Even the slurping, blind, seven times fooled national media saw this one coming. Two weeks ago when Breet anounced he would be staying retired for good, one could sense the cosmic collective yawn that passed over the nation. And yea, verily, there he was yesterday.........that steaming pile of unabashed ego.......smiling and aw shucksing the cameras. What a phony. What a traitor. What a stain.

What bothers the Pix so much about this shyster is that apparently he thinks we don't see through him. And he's really not to blame for that. The media has gotten so carried away with the myth of Breet that it's really no wonder that the all time leader in interceptions, the most resented teamate of all time, the worst statistical quarterback of the last half decade, the biggest liar in sports doesn't posess even a scintilla of self awareness. If he did he would kill himself.

The ancient Greeks had a word used in modern English today that comes to mind when the Pix thinks about the coming season for Breet: Hubris. A rough definition is an overabundance of pride ultimatley resulting fatal retribution. In other words, Breet is finally going to get what's coming to him......some form of debilitating or humiliating finish to what was once a good career but now has become the most tedious and monotonous retirement saga of all time. Be forwarned Stainmaster, your final season will end badly.............stay tuned.

In other news, Rick Pitino finds himself in a bit of a pickle, no? Once again, the media has their collective head up their keister. The media would have the public think Pitino's career and reputation are in jeopardy due to the sordid details of an extortion charge that have been revealed. Allow the Pix to break down said scandal.......six years ago, Pitino banged a skank in a restaurant after closing........then banged her again two weeks later. That's it, that's the story. All else is noise. If anything, Pitino might have more "street cred" than ever. He can tell recruits that if they cruise with the Louisville possee, maybe they can pick up some of Rico's sloppy seconds.

Then there's Lady Gaga. A talent challenged singer whose inexplicable popularity can mainly be attributed to the fact that she acts like a super skank. Lady G recently flashed her kitty at a concert in England and supposedly revealed that she's packing more than just a taco. In her own words, "I have a peen and a pooner, so what?" Listen, the Pix is down with hermaphrodites as much as the next guy, but why the need to go public? The last time the Pix was witness to this kind of shameless self promotion by a dual gendered freak, a football and a purple jersey were prominently involved.

What else happened this summer? Some of you may of heard that Michael Jackson died. Exhibit 624 of how the Pix has gone wrong with his own life. Evidently, the way to fame and sainthood is to dress like a freak, serve kids booze, molest them, pay them off and run off to hide in Dubai. My bad. It's a good thing the public has level headed citizens around like Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson to really get to the true meaning of things. Shame on the Pix for not knowing that the "King of Pop" did more for race relations than that silly old Martin Luther King. The Pix also missed the nugget in Dr. Spock's opus that hanging your kid from a balcony and ensuring that they never find out who their real parents are have become the new gold standard for child rearing (pun intended Michael). The Pix thought Sarah Palin had some kooky names for kids (Bristol, Trig, Trak, Willow, butter knife), but Blanket? Really???? Blanket??? What the hell do you have to be thinking to name your kid Blanket???? Yeesh.

So how about a little football? In the words of Larry David, the Pix thinks the Pats look pretty, pretty, pretty pretty good. The Jets? Not so much. New coach, gasbag Rex Ryan, has been calling out the Guru during the offseason saying that he's not afraid of the Pats. Gasbag, you have a rookie quarterback, Dirty Sanchez, who has a whopping 16 college starts under his belt. See mention of the word hubris above. Maybe the Jets should win a game before a rookie head coach calls out the most successful franchise in modern history.

Coming soon.........predictions for all division winners and a special tribute to social genius Stephon Marbury, update on Roger Clemens and his affair with a 17 year old Mindy Mcready and the most recent tally on how many illegitimate children Antonio Cromartie has (hint, it's a number between 7 and 11).

Welcome to the new season.

Pix out.

National Signing Day

2009-02-05T08:07:00.000-08:00

Readers of the Pix know that one of my favorite days of the year is the day that high school football recruits sign their letters of intent to attend whatever playschool/college they choose. Not only does the day provide a window into how each school's prospects for the future look, it provides us with the always hilarious list of names that America's parents have chosen to bestow on their offspring. This years list of interesting monikers comes with a twist.....The Pix is going to invent three names and include them randomly. Readers who reply in the "comments" section and guess any or all of the invented names will recieve due recognition on the least read blog in America and a beverage of your choice compliments of the Pix. For the record, the following names are all first names and were selected from CNNSI's compilation of high school football recruits for the 2009 season. Rest assured, this list could be 10x longer. These names come from approximately 15 out of 115 division 1 college programs. The List:

Kadero
Lequan
Tomasi
Osahon
Tourek
Cassetti
Jacarri
Olajuwan
Dave (making sure you are paying attention)
Radermon
Larvez (my favorite for some reason)
Markeith
Sharquilmaa
Tevita
Meshack (no relation to Horshack from Welcom back Kotter)
Payden
Eryon
IK
Javontay
Daytawion
Taige
Shayon
Ray Ray
Kipeli
Snardamus
Pu'u
Vontaze (I think there was a Vontaze last year too)
Quayshawn
Sekope
Darrington
Tanelia
Stanjarivus (not to be confused with Stanjarvious from last year)
Morrell (has a brother Portabello and a sister Chantarelle)
Iuta
Preep

Sample invented names that didn't make the cut:

Kilderion
Roarfus
Mysphincter
Ja Ja
Kinkon

That's it. That's the list. Get thyself to the comments section and enter for your prize. A prize will also be awarded to whomever can invent a name better than what we have here.

Off you go....

Play being reviewed

2009-02-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

7:55...Chances refs reverse this? Blutarski's gpa at Faber. 0.00. Actually, it shouldn't be reversed.

7:57....Here comes the Springsteen slurpfest.

7:59....Sobe ad with Ray Lewis and Matt Light. Wow. Really. Bad. Rating, Breet.

8:01....Watching the replay of the interception return. Skirt Warner just has to grab Harrison and hold on for the clock to run out. Incredibly bad play by Warner. Just indefensible. Maybe as bad as Bud Light's "drinkability".

Pix is checking out for the rest of the game.

Overall rating for SB....Breet. Now just have to wait for the retirement/non retirement national non story to dominate the football media starting tomorrow.

The good news? Hollywood week starts on Idol this Tuesday. Stay tuned....

Cardinals resembling Bud Light

2009-02-01T16:14:00.000-08:00

7:15....first first down for Fraudinals. Madden talks about something totally unrelated.

7:17....why is Arizona trying to run the ball? There's a reason Deval Patrick's wife isn't a model. She's ugly. And the Frauds can't run against Pittsburgh. Unrelated? Methinksnot.

7:19...another flag on Az. None so far on Pitt. Hmmmm....somewhere Mike Holmgren nods his head.

7:20...first and 10 on the 3. Pleasing.

7:21.....Pleasing, pleasing, pleasing......and DELICIOUS.

7:22.....Cars.com, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Such a good start and then........more anticlimactic than Sara Palin's career.

7:28...first penalty on Turds. Pretty much had to call that one. And.......a makeup call. Encroachment on Az. They could call that on every play.

7:30....The Pitt punter is named Mitch Berger. Pretty sure he did my taxes in 1998.

7:31....This game is getting good. Oops, personal foul on Cards. Bullshit call. Refs back on track.

7:34....Etrade. Lame. Rating, Joe Klecko. They had an ad around 5 or so that was hilarious. Which is why the Pix was disappointed in this one.

7:36....Edge drops a gimmie. Pathetic. Another flag on AZ. Refs are in a groove.

7:38....Drink...........a...........bility. The Pix will say it. Worst Superbowl ads in the history of the game.

7:41. Interception. Pleasing.

7:42. Grim Reaper, taxes, whatever.

7:43. Talking flowers...."go home to your fat smelly cat". Um, I think we have a winner. Rating, Brady plus Belichick.

7:44. Leno in a car. Is he still on TV?

7:46.......Madden, "this is what Kurt Warner likes" on a play when the blitzer comes unblocked and punches his grill. Well said, John.

7:47....Cheetos, pigeons.....I guess this is supposed to be anti skanks on cell phones. Um, ok. Rating, Faulk.

7:49....Oohhh. Bad reverse jinx stat on Warner. Let's see how this plays out.

7:51...yep. The jinx proves true. Pick 6. Wait, flag. Against Az. Given.

6:48....

2009-02-01T15:48:00.000-08:00

6:49....handoff on second and 20? Really?

6:50....third and 17...Skirt Warner wets himself. The Pix had the under.

6:51....Conan O'brian for Bud Light.....and......what a wet fart. Horrible. Memo to Bud light, these ads are costing 3 mil per 30 seconds. How can this campaign be this bad? This is perplexing. The Pix is perplexed. Rating, Mangina.

6:55.....Deliciousness #4, meet the Pix. Pleasing.

6:66....Mr. and Mrs Okeafor must have really gone back and forth between Bill Okeafor and......wait for it........Chike. Pronounced Cheaky. Oh, and the refs just cheated for Pitt again with a no call on the clip when Turd scrambled and completed the pass to Miller. This game is over. So far the only stench more foul than these refs is the Bud Light campaign.

7:01....end of first quarter.

7:02....Bridgstone tires with Mrs Potato head back seat driving. Pretty good stuff. Rating, Faulk.

7:03....Castrol oil with monkees....who made the rule that every SB had to have ads with monkees? Monkees aren't funny....unless they are throwing things at dudes' nuts.

7:04....Hines Ward is Madden's new Breet. Break out the knee pads.

7:05...."Land of the Lost". Sucked in the 70's. Will suck harder now.

7:06.....Chick in her underwear. Strong. Another monkey, weak. Rating, Ladudian

7:07....Danica Patrick for "Go Daddy.com". Me likey. Rating, Randy Moss.

7:08.....Touchdown Pitt. Thanks for the no call on the clip.

7:09...."I'm good". Pretty amusing. Uh, oh. This is for diet cola? No thanks. Pix just added all diet colas to Jihad list. Rating, Jets

7:10..Bud ad with dalmation. Awesome. Are Bud and Bud light connected somehow? Because their ad campaigns have as much in common as John and Yoko. Rating, Jerod Mayo.

7:12......another Bud ad. Pix calls it the horny horse. Get some Mr. Ed. Get some. Rating, Wes Welker.

kickoff

2009-02-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

6:36....Pix just cracked third can of deliciousness. Yummy.

6:36....Monty Biesel starts at linebacker for Arizona? Bad Omen.

6:36....Fraudinals D looking more porous than James Edward Olmos' face.

6:38...should be a penalty on touchdown.....#62 Al Hartwig shouldn't be allowed to pull the Turd into the end zone. Of course Madden and Michaels miss it.

6:39...."Drinkability" is the first ad? See Pix archives on worst ad campaign ever. Seriously, I'm glad Bud Light is "drinkable", otherwise I'd shove it up my ass. Rating, Breet.

6:43....."Forever Young"......simply awesome. Best Pepsi add in years. Rating, Brady.

6:44....Horrible Doritos add.....until boss gets hit in nuts with crystal ball. Nothing beats the gratuitous shot to the bean bag. Rating, Faulk.

pregame

2009-02-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

A few thoughts/disclaimers....no car commercials will be commented on. In fact, only relevant commercials and a few in game comments. Pix was wrong about anthem singer....it will be Jennifer Hudson, not Jordan Sparks (she sang it last year). Jennifer has had, um, a pretty rough year.

6:04....Subway commercial with the popping buttons and stuff. Pretty funny, but let's tell the truth about Subway. To paraphrase Raymond Babbit....Subway sucks. Rating, Faulk.

6:09.....Team introductions. Interesting that ever since 2001, when the Patriots chose to be introduced as a team, EVERY team has stolen the idea since. The Guru's imprint on society is everywhere.

6:12....."Five.......................Five dollar...................five dollar foot long..". Lame. Early line on Subway being the Pix' bitch today, 2-1.

6:15...What happened to Brenda Warner? She actually doesn't look terrible. She traded in her Rachel Madow haircut for the Jessica Simpson. Good call, Brenda. The Pix has always said the wife of a SB quarterback shouldn't look like the editor or the "Village Voice".

6:19. Anthem.....goose bumps.....maybe better than Whitney's during Desert Storm.

6:24.....The Hyundai Genesis is the 2009 car of the year? 2009 just started, fellas. The Pix is pretty sure something better may come along. Rating, Ladudian.

6:28.....The ref just called James Farrior, number 51, number 15. I dyslexia heart. This doesn't bode well for the Zebras. Lets hope they have a better game than 3 years ago when they absolutely HANDED the game to Pittsburgh.

SB Commercial ratings

2009-02-01T11:34:00.000-08:00

The Pix will try something new for the SB. Given that the game itself has no meaning to most Pix readers, a live blog rating the commercials for the first half will be attempted. Degree of difficulty? High. Pre game deliciousness will be consumed and no doubt will have an effect on timing and typing. Let's throw together a quick rating system for this shaky endeavor:

1. Brady. No explanation necessary
2. Faulk. Solid. Under rated. Sneaky good.
3. Maroney. Disappointing, but not a disaster. Starts strong and then fades.
4. McNab. Wierd, over rated, will be discussed more than it should for something so pedestrian.
5. Ladudian. Self important and completely unaware of its own lameness.
6. Breet. No explanation necessary

See you at kickoff.

Nothing Super about this Bowl

2009-01-31T11:57:00.000-08:00

As the Pix has been forced to digest two weeks of Super Bowl hype surrounding the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals, there have been times when the media has actually been able to confuse me about this game. The Pix predicted these two teams would meet two weeks ago and has been predicting the Cardinals would be in the Super Bowl since the playoffs began (although had the Chargers upsetting the Steelers earlier). The Pix estimates that at least half the talking heads at Fox, ESPN etc. have the Cardinals pulling the mild upset tomorrow. Even Vegas sees it close as the 7 point spread has not changed for two weeks. For the sake of comparrison, the Pats opened at 14 point favorites last year and the line moved to 12 1/2 by kickoff. The lesson? Both Pats and Giant fans like to bet and bet heavy on their teams. The lesson from the 09 line???????? Steeler fans have to be the biggest betting pussies in the history of gambling.

Seriously, how is line 7 points? Pittsburgh has been one of the three marquee franchises in NFL history. Like the Cowboys, Celtics and Yankees, they have fans all aroung the country. How many fans to the Cardinals have? Like 100? They are one of the all time lame franchises. They are one rung above the Washington Generals (the team the Globetrotters have a 764 game winning streak against). Where is all the Pennsylvania money going? They HAVE heard of betting, right? Is the recession avoiding the Steel city and they don't need the money? Because if the Patriots were laying 7 in this game the New England economy wouldn't need Obama's stimulus package Monday morning. Conversly, Vegas would implode.

Let's just review the New England connection here. The Steelers came into Foxboro, endured an ice storm and (with a big assist from Matthew Slater) thumped the Patriots. The Fraudinals came here, looked out their hotel windows and proceeded to hire a junior high school girls flag team to play the game in their place. The score was 31-0 at halftime. The Pix has to go back almost 70 years to Alsace to remember one side giving up so freely. So it's no wonder that the Bordeaux Cardinals don't exactly engender much confidence in the Pix.

Here's how the game is going to unfold.........Jordan Sparks will sing the anthem and Kurt Warner will proceed to wet himself the first time James Harrison blows by the left tackle and puts a hat on Warner. If there is one thing that stays in my mind from the NFC championship game, it's the third quarter when the Eagles started rushing 8 and Skirt Warner looked like a puppy after the first time it's had it's nose swatted for hosing down the linoleum. The Pix isn't saying that Skirt is fragile, but I've seen tougher origami. The Pix has no idea what the over/under is on Leinhart coming into the game, but I'd seriously look for the under at halftime. Remember this when you watch the game Sunday.....Skirt Warner wears a mouthguard. Can you think of any other NFL quarterbacks who wear mouthguards? The Pix can't either. And it's not like he can move out of the pocket either when the pocket collapses. The Pix has seen old women trying to take the trash to the curb over a sheet of ice move with more confidence.

Final score: Turds 41, Fraudinals 17.

That is all for now. The official children have decided to take off the no screaming sign. Perhaps a live commercial blog is in order. Stay tuned.

Championship Sunday

2009-01-18T07:26:00.000-08:00

Let's face it........it gets more and more difficult to watch these games/turds as the faux playoffs continue without the best team in the NFL. The four remaining teams are more flawed than Ken Lewis' merger strategies (see Countrywide Financial, MBNA, Merrill). The Pats would go through these teams faster than a plate of scrambled eggs through Mr. Vegas after a night of 37 Miller Lite drafts at Sully's tap. Let's just fire off some random thoughts since the Pix has nothing coherent to say about 2 piss poor playoff turds/games.

Run, don't walk, to rent "Stepbrothers" with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. Great tip from the Hutchies. How did this movie slip through the cracks? The Pix is currently watching it for the second time in 24 hours. Better than "Superbad". Better than "Knocked up". Let's just say.......funniest movie since "Anchorman".

Rachel Nichols of ESPN is a piglet. It looks like her chin is going to touch her belly button when she scrunches up her face to pronounce the letter N. The Pix doesn't know if it's just a facial tic or a mini seizure, but she clearly has pictures of someone at the world wide leader.

Speaking of strange facial features.....what's up with Raven qb Joe Flacco? It looks like he's been sprinkling chia pet dust on his eyebrows in some sort of bizzare attempt to try out for the cast of "New Star Trek" while simultaneously guiding his team through the playoffs. There are uni brows, there are Klingons, and then there's Mr. Flacco. The Pix hasn't seen a trim job needed that badly since perusing early 70's Playboy centerfolds.

Here's a hypothetical......Let's say you go for "the snip" and the urology nurse tells you to take off your pants and boxers and sit on a cold table to await for her return. Let's say (hypothetically of course) that she's cute, blond, late 20's with a better than average rack and despite a little sketchy skin on the jawline, she's a poor woman's Ellen Pompeo. So (hypothetically) you are sitting there in a t shirt, sweater, and dark socks and you look down to review your most recent styling and realize that she may have to fine tune things for the doctor. And, well, um, the table is cold, the room is cold, you are contemplating two shots of novocaine to your junk bag and, um, you are somewhere between a baby turtle and George Costanza after swimming in the ocean. Do you A: fluff yourself hoping to stop at a reasonable level so as to not make it seem too obvious (don't want to reach ragerville) or B: Just accept the fact that this is probably not her first rodeo and it's only 50/50 that she'll tell all the other nurses that there's a new leader in the clubhouse?

Somehow lost in the news last week was that Osama Bin Laden issued another audio tape in which he had some words for our President elect regarding Gaza and other foreign policies. He then proceeded do declare Jihad on Israel. Um.....................the Pix admits that "Al Jezeera.com" isn't among the family bookmarks, but, really? Jihad on Israel? This wasn't already in effect? What the hell has been going on over there since 1949 in the first place? The Pix is not attempting to be insensitive, but I really had already assumed that the leader of Al Queda wasn't particularly fond of the Red Sea Pedestrians. It appears Osama did not get Lil Wayne's message about redundancy from the new years GQ.

Readers of the Pix know that when it comes to "American Idol", there are few better prognosticators around. Once the football season is over there's a fair chance this blog will convert completely to "Idol" coverage. Here's a little preaseason pick. Stevie, the cute Jessica Biel look alike 16 year old brunette was the best bird from night one. The tattooed slut who sang "Barracuda" is an atrocity. The ebony bird named Lil Rounds (big rounds is more like it you saucy little feline) was the best of night two. The Pix may have missed someone from the second hour due to frozen pea and vodka/cran managment. Stay tuned for more "Idol" commentary.

Finally, for the two readers who care....

Arizona 31, Philadelphia 21. The Pix just thinks Larry Fitzgerald is the best player on the field and that the Cards "D" is peaking at the right time. In addition, Donovan Mcwierd is less reliable in big games than timely service at the "Muffin Shop" when Louisa isn't working.

Pittsburgh 19, Baltimore 17. Bad weather, lot's of turnovers, lot's of chirping by murdering fraud Ray Lewis, lot's of announcer's ball washing the turd burglar and some good old fashioned refs cheating for the Steelers like they do in every big game. And lot's of the Pix thinking this game should be going on in Foxboroug right now.....

Enjoy your snowy Sundays. And enjoy the day off tomorrow.

divisional championships and 'Lil Wayne

2009-01-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

A small rant before we get to the pigskin..........Santa gave the Pix the most recent issue of GQ magazine in his stocking this year and, well, if you want to know everything that's wrong in America these days....just go pick up a copy for yourselves. With the exception of the mildly attractive pre airbrush Jennifer Anniston lounging in nothing but a tie with other nudies....this magazine is horrible. Plus, is a semi nude JA supposed to titillate the Pix? Note to GQ and all other magazine editors....the inernets provide plenty of better pictures than the pg-13 tiredness that you spend so much money putting on the covers. Either man up and go with full frontal of just put a picture of a dirty martini on the cover. Either way, the Pix understands that I am not their core demographic. The last time the Pix purchased a magazine of f a "normal" newsrack was the 1990 Athalon draft preview. Moving on...

At the back of the issue was an article on Lil' Wayne. The Pix was remotely aware of the existence of some rapper by this monniker, but since the Pix is really "no school" vs. old or new, let's just say we had never crossed paths. Understandably, we never did hook up at paddle night in Weston. After reading a few paragraphs about this riciculous creature, the Pix flipped the page to a shirtless picture of Lil' standing and smoking a blunt....looking into the camera with an expression that said, "I'm baked, bored and more self important than Kim Jong Il". Even more fascinating was the head to waist ink that Ill Stain was sporting. Let's break down some of the messages that Ill Stain found so important he needed to fuse them onto his body forever:

1. On each of Stain's eyelids are the words "fear" and "Cod". Obviously, the player missed the cuttail classic. Cod have tiny little teeth that don't hurt and they don't even bite. They are a benign fish that have been fortifying the country with flaky sustenance for centuries. Why the fear? Oh, the left eyelid might say "God". Ok, sorry Stain. This is an obvious shout out to Stain's preference of the Old Testament's God of Abraham vs. the more forgiving father of Jesus introduced to us in the Gospels. I was probably confused by the cross tattoo between the eyebrows directly above another tat of what appears to be an erect phallus. Hard to tell.

2. Across Stain's entire abdomen are the giant words "cash money". Having misinterpreted one symbol already here, the Pix will give Stain the benefit of the doubt. Let's see......Clearly Stain wants us to contemplate redundancy. Ah, yes. Stain wants us to recognize the hypocrisy of post modern corporate greed and the consumer society dependent on debt. Touche Stain.

3. On Stain's left bicep is the corporate logo for Rolls Royce with the words...........Rolls Royce above and beneath. Brilliant!!! No doubt an homage to Edward Hopper and American "Realism" while simultaneously and paradoxically advertising the very emblem of British manufacturing quality and craftmanship.

4. Worthy of David's "Pieta", Stain has tattooed tear drops beneath his eyes. A thinly veiled reference to the crying Indian from the pollution ads from the '70's. One can only guess that "give a whoot, don't pollute" with a picture of woodsy the owl would have taken up too much space. Once again, Stain is playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

5. The balance of Iil Stain's torso is replete with various squiggly lines and illegible messages that no doubt refer to world peace, sobriety, a good night's sleep and the enigma that is the egg salad sandwich. Scholars, I'm fairly sure, will be interpreting Stains deep messages and societal criticisms for years. Either that or he's just a silly man with too much money at too young an age with an appreciation for marijuana and irony. The Pix isn't through with this topic.

Time is up. Could be a more in depth football post tomorrow. If not:

Ravens +3 over Titans
Cardinals +10 over Panthers
Giants -4 over Philly
Chargers +6 over Pitt.

quick pix

2009-01-03T06:44:00.000-08:00

in case not enough time for full post later...

Arizona +1 over ATL
Minn +3 over Philly
Balt -3 over Mia
Colts -1 over Bolts

Special Brady update

2008-12-31T10:48:00.001-08:00

Those who follow the Pix and know reader TC know that our boy has a source rather close to #12. The Globe doesn't have the source. Neither the Herald, Peter King nor ESPN have the source. Just TC and therefore the Pix. Those who need proof need only remember that two years ago TC knew that Randy Moss was coming to New England. Breet thought he was going to Green Bay. Peter King had him going to Green Bay. Chris Berman had him going to Green Bay. TC knew he was on his way to New England. So here's a New years's gift to Pix readers from our by TC:

The Source: "Tom is running, dropping back, throwing passes and IS ahead of schedule".

The 2010 Super Bowl is ours. You heard it here first. Big thanks to TC for passing along this info. The Guru will franchise and trade Cassell for no less than a 2nd round pick. Possibly a first. He'll then spend the first 3 picks on corners and safties. Maybe another linebacker. He'll sign Wilfork to a 4-5 year deal. The Pix will party like it's 2007 and the Pats go 19-0. Some random coaching thoughts........

Go to the archives for September 2007 and see where the Pix said Manjudas would be fired after this year. Delicious. One thing worries the Pix, however. Mike Shanahan. Remember that the Guru respects Shanahan more than any other coach in the NFL. Shanahan is the Guru's kryptonite and he's rumored to be going to............wait for it...........the Jets. This is not a desirable scenario for Pats fans. Just sayin'.

Manjudas is rumored to be interviewing for the Browns job. The Pix guesses this falls under the NFL's rule requiring all franchises to interview minorities. Fat back stabbing pathetic stains being a minority.

The annual Breet watch has begun with a major change this year. No one is watching. Breet's yearly Hamlet act has finally lost an audience. The boy who cried wolf will finally be ignored this offseason by most media. Come back, don't come back, take a shit in your hat......nobody cares, Breet. Bernie Madoff, Blago and Sarah Palin have brighter futures than the bayou braying jackass. Someone please wake up the Pix when Breet makes a decision. Until then he's off to the 2008 time capsule with the S+P 500, Ricky Gervais and ZIMA. (that's right, Zima wasn't discontinued until this year. who knew?)

Happy New Year to all readers. See you in 2009.

The Pix

With the 1st pick in the 2030 draft, the New England Patriots select...........

2008-12-30T18:25:00.000-08:00

Tyler Forbes. Born December 30th in Salem, MA. Weighing in at 8lbs 15 0z. He has thrown 5,042,814 fewer intecerceptions than Breet. The Pix doesn't normally include personal items...but this one is the exception. Welcome to the NFL 22 years early, Tyler. No pressure...........

Playoffs?

2008-12-28T07:12:00.000-08:00

The Pix can't remember the last time week 17 of the NFL season meant anything but a quasi bye week for the Pats as they rested players to prepare for, as the Tuna would say, "the tournament". Statistically, the Pats have a 33% chance of returning to the postseason based on the scenarios that will play out this afternoon. Anyone who reads this blog knows what has to happen, so I won't repeat it. Let's just break down the games....

Pats at Buffalo. Um, duh, Pat's win. When it comes to NE domination of Buffalo, the Bills should change their names to the gimps. Twice a year we pull them out of some trunk in a pawn shop basement and have our way with them. And they like it. Not to mention the fact that the Pats may be the hottest team in football right now. The Pix can't stress enough how much the rest of the league will be pulling for the Guru to miss the playoffs. Talk about a rooster in the hen house. The guy loses the league MVP, starting tailback, both defensive captains.........the list is too long to complete. And his team is on the verge of an 11-5 season having taken a backup quarterback people had presumed would be cut before the season and turned him into a pro bowl caliber player. Belichick should be league MVP. If anyone else gets coach of the year (and Jeff Fisher will) it will be rigged worse than Blogojevich's political appointments. Here's the list of people the Pix would want to be stranded on a desert island with.....Jessica Biel, Beyonce, the Mexican bird from "Spanglish" (under rated movie) and the Guru. Check that. The Guru would be first because he'd coach us into building a casino that would make Steve Wynn's joints look like "the green spot" and then Jessica and Beyonce would come to us. Because that's how the Guru rolls.

Baltimore vs Jax. I'd say a 40-60 chance of a Ravens loss here. We'll know everything we need to in the first half. If the Jaguars can hang around for a while, the noose will tighten a little around the Ravens' necks and the coaches will reign in Flacco. Rookie qb's in must win playoff type games have a tendency to screw the pooch. It will help that the Jags have nothing to lose and HOPEFULLY the imbecile Jack Del Rio will coach like he has more than one testicle. A first for him. Seriously, Jack.....fake punts, going for it on all fourth and shorts.....you have nothing to lose here. Forget for a day that you are more conservative than Hugh Hewitt and you coach like your sphincter is tighter than Billy Hayes' in "Midnight Express. The Pats need you.

Jets vs Dolphins. How did it come to this? Really? The Pix has to root for Breet? This game will be like watching 2 ex-wives wrestling over a dude in a bar and actually having to root for the one you dislike more. Does that make sense? Let's just say it's a tough one for the Pix and leave it at that. As for the football.......just a really strange game. The Jets are actually favored by 3.....so Vegas thinks it's a toss up. One thing for sure, this one will be excruciating. A game full of mistakes that will go down to the wire and ultimately, the Pix fears, ends poorly for Pats fans. And conspiracy theories will abound. Why does the league permit this game to be at 4:00 pm? How is that fair? The Jets will have NO INCENTIVE to win when they see that we beat Buffalo. This is a travesty of justice worse than the first OJ verdict. The Pix will be reaching out to Ron Goldman after this game to find a good civil attorney. Final score........Mia 24...Jets 21.

All other games.....who cares? Other than the fact that the Pix would like to see Dallas lose and see the look on Wade Phillips' face. His face in the fourth quarter of close games reminds the Pix of the face on offical son #1 during the initial stages of potty training. He's a little confused by the whole process but realizes it's pretty important and that mommy and daddy are rooting for him. Then, when he accidentally hoses down the bath mat he just looks up and hopes it's ok. Sure, Wade...it's ok. Someone will need a defensive coordinator next year.

Sorry for the late post. A special tribute to Breet coming soon. Anyone in the vicinity of 49 Shorewood today is invited by for some holiday deliciousness and a game of ping pong. Go Pats.

Ok, ok, ok

2008-12-19T07:50:00.000-08:00

So the Pix has been lame. Not writing, predicting, complaining....pretty much doing nothing. It's not that the occasional impulse to write is gone, it's just that the usual sources for commentary.....stupid people being stupid....just isn't as surprising or amusing any more. Burger King launching a beef scented body spray, Bush getting some shoes launched at him in Iraq (nice going secret service....I'm feeling really good about Obama's safety after that episode), OJ going to prison, Blagojevich, dudes shooting women while having sex.....all blog worthy I suppose. But nothing seems outrageous anymore. Teacher sex scandals used to be fun, but now they are once a week and have just become..........predictable. And it's sad. Due to the internets and daily instant access to the most outrageous stories spanning the globe, I fear the Pix has become immune to random unintentional comedy and incredibly poor decision making. That is until this beauty of a headline appeared last Wednesday, "Favre makes Pro Bowl". The Pix....

Balt +5 over Dallas. Let's start with the most important game of the week for the Patriots. The entire nation thinks the Ravens will go down and that the Pats get in the playoffs by winning out. The Pix kind of agrees, but is very worried about what Ray Lewis can do to a banged up Romo and a TO who likes going over the middle as much as Putin likes oil under 35 a barrell. Rooting for Dallas feels as natural as Pam Anderson's tits, but the Pix will be pulling hard for the 'boys Saturday.

Cinci +3 over Cleveland. The Pix has said it before, but watching Romeo Crennell coach a football game has the same feel as watching children play in traffic. Or Acky trying to skate.

Detroit +8 over Saints. What a great run these two cities are on. Between the auto industry and Katrina, these places make Seattle look like Rio during Carnival. The Pix thinks the Lions actually could win this game. Wait, did I really just type that? And I'm not even drunk yet?

KC +4 over Miami. To quote the Japanese employee from "Major League", "these guys aren't so shitty". I'm referring to the Chiefs. Plus, we REALLY need the fins to puke one up here.

SF -4 over the Rams. The guess here is that Solomon Wilcotts is prominently involved with this game's broadcast. Ratings should fall somewere in between reruns of "Cagney and Lacey" and the 2 am infomercial featuring anything from Ronco. (Note to Mr. Popeil, please bring back the civil war chess set).

Pitt -1 over Tenn. Possibly settles home field advantage for AFC. Neither of these over-rated teams want to see the Pats anywhere near the playoffs.

SD +3 over Tampa. Breet getting the nod over Rivers for the Pro Bowl is a worse injustice than what happened Tom Robinson in "To Kill a Mockingbird". Actually, wait...........ok, what happened to Tom was worse. But it's closer than you think.

Donkeys -7 over Buff. Congratulations to Dick Jauron for winning the Pix' 1st annual dumbest dumb ass of an already incredibly stupid dumb ass football season award. Really Dick? A pass from JP Lose-man from your own 27 with 2 minutes left after Breet gift wraps you a typical Breet present? You DUMBASS. The reminds me of my favorite commercial from a few years ago showing a kid on a job interview saying "And that is why I think I'm qualified for the job Mr. Dumb.......ass". Camera then shows bosses nameplate while boss simultaneously says, "it's Dumas (pronounced doom-ah). Ok, funnier on TV. Moving on........

Houston -7 over Raiders. Here's a brief list of things/people who have had a fall analogous to the Raiders from the 70's and 80's. Tara Reid, OJ, Michael Jackson, high fructose corn syrup, disco, the calculator, (Bernie Madoff is too recent) Eastern European communist nation states and Brent Musberger. That's it. That's the list.

Seattle +5 over Jets. Speaking of the calculator, what the *^%#@ is Aston Kutcher jumping around the TV advertising? Is that a *(&^% camera? Made by **$#@ Casio? What ^$!# century are we living in? Next up for Aston.....maybe an fm radio, or some 45's. Nice career, buddy. Maybe since he's dating a bird who peaked in 1980 and starred in "that 70's show" he actally feels more connected to bygone eras. Someone get Bea Arthur on speed dial. (the Pix loves him some Bea Arthur jokes).

Atlanta +3 over Minn. Tavaris. Tavarious. Taverus. Tivernus. Tuviras. Special Pix shout out to whomever can correctly spell the first name of the Vikings starting QB.

Philly -5 over Washington. Way to tie Cinci, Eagles. How bad will Philly fans feel after they miss the playoffs by 1/2 a game due to the tie vs the Cinmates?

Giants -3 over Carolina. The Panthers are a paper tiger.

Chicago -4 over GB. The Pix is 0-whatever taking the Pack every week since the pilgrimage to Lambeau. Here's a reverse jinx for you Sconnie.

Birds +9 over Pats. Calm down, people. The Pix just thinks 9 points is too much considering Arizona has one of the top passing units in the league and NE is starting Ray Clayborn, Tim Fox and Dick Van Dyke (still alive by the way) in the secondary. By the way, Cassell not making the Pro Bowl instead of Breet is an injustice somewhere in between the "trail of tears" and Cortez vs the Aztecs. Ok, maybe not on par with twin genocides, but it's closer than you think.

Hmmmm....that was fun. Maybe the Pix can regain some mojo in the new year. In the meantime, Merry and Happy to all. Except for Breet.

Pre-Turkey Pix

2008-11-28T12:09:00.000-08:00

Apologies dear readers for the bagel last week. The Pix was semi comatose due to many factors which will remain nameless and blameless. Let's just move on. The Pix coninued the torrid pace of pigskin prognostication two weeks ago going 11-5, contributing to the 61-28 tally for the year. Seriously, it may be time to remove "for entertainment purposes only" tag and hit Vegas. The Pix is a strong believer in reversion to the mean.....therefore we should all be able to enrichen ourselves by simply going against yours truly for the rest of the season. Having said that, armed with the knowledge that no one who reads this blog gives 2 cents about the Pix' pix, let's get to this weeks rant.

As all here know, one of the Pix' pet peeves is lame commercials during football games and in general. Nothing infuriates the Pix more when beer ads are bad. Really, how hard can this be? Here are the basic rules for a succesful beer ad campaign..

1. Make me laugh. This is really rule 1-10.

2. Show me some tail.

3. Involve sports celebrities from the 70's sitting around a bar arguing.

4. Show dumb men doing dumb things to get more beer.

5. Rinse and repeat.

The gold standard for beer ads was, is and always will be the Miller Lite ads from the 70's and the "tastes great" , "less filling" debate. Whole sports stadiums would pick up the chant during games. The Pix was on a subway once on the way to a game when this chant would break out. Unfortunately, since then only one truly great beer ad campaign has taken its place, the "Real men of genius" Bud Light ads. Faux Steve Perry of "Journey" crooning about "Mr. nudist colony activity coordinator". An instant classic. Which is why the turd sandwiches that Bud Light is serving up lately automatically disqualify this beverage from being purchased. I present you with the 2008-2009 Bud light ad campaign........"the difference is Drinkability".........

Really? That's it? Drinkability? Is InBev already running the Bud ads, because if that's the case, it's time to invade Belgium immediately. F*&ing "Drinkability"? Note to Bud Light.......I wasn't going to take the beer in suppository form. The Pix generally drinks his beer by, well, drinking it.

Let's apply this ad logic and see if it could word with other examples of commercials.

Sleepy's.........because, um, you need a mattress to sleep on. The difference is sleepability. Yep, sounds good.

Jordan's furniture.......your house would look dumb empty. You can sit on our furniture and everything.

We obviously could go on forever here. Car ads....drivability, restaraunts..eatability....whatever. The Pix just imagines a bunch of ad execs tapping their pencils on a conference table until one guy says, "Um, what about 'drinkability'?" All the execs look around the table simultaneously wondering if America is really that stupid and eventually reach the conclusion that yes, we are. Frustrating.

The Pix once heard a rumor that several ad agencies put their most creative people together, had them smoke a little weed and would inevitably come up with their best campaigns. The Pix believes this to be true especially when one remembers the Quiznos ads from 4 years ago that featured two floating hamsters playing guitars and singing falsetto. These were the lyrics:

"We love the subs.

cause they are good to us

the Quiznos suuuuubs. They are tasty they are cruncy they are good because we toast them

(long pause for effect)

they have a pepper bar."

http://www.slate.com/id/2095868/

Seriously, go find the you tube of this thing. Hilarious. Other than that the Pix really has no point this week. The Pix......

Buff -7 over SF

Balt -7 over Cincy

Indy -4 over Cleveland

GB -3 over Carolina

Rams +9 over Miami

NO +4 over TB

Giants -3 over Wash

SD +6 over ATL

Donkeys +9 over Jets

Oak +3 over KC

Chi +4 over Minn

Jax +4 over Houston

Patriots even over Pitt

As years past, the Pix slows down around Thanksgiving and the annual hunting trip to the Berkshires. Expect the posts to increase in frequency the second half of December. And try to get that Quiznos song out of your heads.

Week 10 and random randomness

2008-11-13T11:42:00.000-08:00

Nothing funny going on in the world this week. The Pix will just be shotgun blasts of extreme randomness and football. Pix was 9-4 against the spread last week. 50-23 for the season. The Pix..........

Atlanta -5 over Denver. The Donkeys suck.

Carolina -14 over Detroit. The kitties suck. And don' t ask the Pix why he capitalized Donkeys and not kitties.

GB -3 over Chicago. Here's a list of people the Pix is glad the official wife didn't date before the Pix: Kid Rock, Patrick Ewing, K-fed, A-rod or any of the hyphenated people, Lexinton Steele, Peter North, Anderson Cooper and Kobe. Mind you, it's only a partial list.

Houston +9 over Indy. The Pix was walking by the kids' tv room last weekend when he heard these words from the TV:

"Humpty Dumpty climbed up the wall.

Humpty Dumpty was afraid to fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Had to help Humpty Dumpty down the wall again."

What the f?! The sissification of America's children has now gone to far. The Pix had to break it down this way for the official boys, ages 3 and 2. "Listen, guys, this is B.S. Humpty not only dies, he suffers a through a horrible procedure that entails horses using their hooves trying to manipulate fragmented shells of egg. And his parents were losers. He could have been called Steve Dumpty, or Bill Dumpty, but his parents chose 'Humpty'. He was obviously an 'accident' in the first place. It's WWII week on AMC, let's put somehting real on the television. Who wants anther juice box?"

Saints -5 over KC. Unrelated to the NFL, the Pix knows why Notre Dame is off again this year. Jimmy Claussen, their golden boy qb is the problem. He just looks wierd. Check him out the next time the Irish are on tv. He has this strange slavic frontal lobe where the upper regions of his eye sockets meet the lower forhead. It makes him look, um, mentally slow. If you are the #1 recruit in the country and play qb for Notre Dame, you have to look the part. He doesn't.

Oak +11 over Miami. "Dancing with the Stars" and all other c list celeb reality tv shows must go away. Let's just go straight to a cable channel that hires c list celebs to take their clothes off. It's where we are headed in the next 20 years anyways. Can we just get it over with? The Pix doesn't want to see you dance, sing, mud wrestle, lose weight or live in a house together. Just skip to the naked part. Thanks.

NYG -6.5 over Baltimore. **********SUPER RANDOMNESS ALERT********** The Pix has a new favorite restaraunt in Marblehead. "Zaika", is an Indian restaraunt where "Renaldo's" used to be. The Pix got take out there last Sunday night. DELICIOUS. The owner, Kulwan, is the Pix newest BFF. He loves sports and tends bar when he's not overseeing the kitchen activity. The Pix reccomends the Lamb Kashmiri or the Chicken Tikki Masala. "Zaika" is Punjabi for "perfect taste". Kulwan also lives in Marblehead and has a daughter at lower Bell school. His family's restaraunt in the back bay is called "India Samraat". It got best of Boston in 2007 and acually wins it most years. Legit.

AZ -3 over Seattle. You know those two volleyball chicks for the US that have won the last two gold medals and like 3,000 straight matches? The ones NBC showed for like 1/2 of the Olympics? Come closer, the Pix has a secret for you. Ready? They're not hot. There, I said it. They were like the ugliest birds in the volleyball competion. WHEEEW>>>>that felt good. The Pix has been holding that one in since August.

TB -4 over GB. Let's be honest, though. Misty May and Kerri Walsh? Yes and yes is the answer. They are kind of like the Stella Artois of female volleyball players. (Pix week 2 or 3 for the reference).

Philly -9 over Cinci. Message to Democrats......Al Franken? Get a hold of yourselves.

Sf -6 over Rams. Just because I think Mike Singletary might kill himself if the niners don't win one soon.

Jax +3 over Tenn. Message to the media who want to bring up the possibility of The Titans going 16-0........When Kerry Collins is your quarterback, it means that Kerry Collins is your quarterback.

Pitt -3 over SD. *********Mild Randomness Alert***** remember the old dude muppets who heckled from the balcony? Their names are Statler and Waldorf. What's strange is that they were referred to as Statler and Waldorf, but Statler was on the right and Waldorf was on the left. Shouldn't it have been the other way around? Bonus muppett randomness, best muppetts in order are Sweetums, Animal and then Snuffleupagus. Just sayin.

Dallas even over Washington. If the Pix were Miss Piggy's agent, she would have had a much better career. She was too typecast as a frog loving floozy. The Pix thinks she had much more theatrical range and a better than average voice. Unfortunately for the porcine princess, Maxim and Stuff magazines came along a little too late in her career.

Cleveland +5.5 over Buff. Whatever.

Jets +3.5 over NE. Look, this pains the Pix, but Breet and Manjudas have a better supporting cast around them right now than Cassell and the Guru. The Pix isn't saying the Pats' defense resembles a M.A.S.H. unit, but Klinger, Radar, Hot Lips and Bj were seen landing in Providence Tuesday and headed up rt.1 (By the way, people may dispute this, but the Pix believes that Winchester was funnier than Frank Burns, BJ funnier than Trapper and Col Potter a slight upgrade over Henry Blake. Discuss). The Pix just hates the match up of the Jets offense against our defense. Unless Moss and Welker go off tonight (and the rain won't help), things just don't look great for the Elvi.

Having just read over this week's post, some may question the Pix' parenting methods. Let's just say what really happened after "L'ffaire Humpty" was actually far more serious. After admonishing both children for watching a "liberal" channel like Noggin, we took a little field trip to the garage where we smashed their bike helmets with a sledge hammer. "Don't want to get hurt? Don't fall, then. And for damn sure don't fall on your heads". Let's just say they had no problem eating their broccoli that night.

Want more parenting tips from the Pix? Please answer parenting poll at top right of page.

Pix out.

NFL week 9 and updated Jihad list.

2008-11-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

Since the Pix is new to this venue, now seems a good time to roll out an updated version of the Pix favorite columns: the Jihad list. Original followers will remember the first fatwas issued by the Pix in 2006. CVS, gratuitous pickle inclusion on standard lunch fare, small toilets, Cher and any toilet paper that wasn't Charmin with aloe were amongst the first. All are egregious violations against humanity indeed. But the time has come for another shout out to the Pix Mujahideen. I's time to renew the Jihad against............

1. Anyone with piercings who doesn't posess ovaries and keep said bobbles to the auricular region. (Exception: freshman year in college and just for the punk rock party, mmkay?) Seriously, can the piercing and tattoo fad please just go away? When the Pix was growing up the standard physical act of rebellion was growing your hair too long (boys) or cutting it too short (felines). Now it's impossible to find a sorority sister without a tramp stamp of some unknown (to them) Asian origin. And the piercings? The first belly ones were mildly alluring, but the gradual procession to the eyebrow, nose and ultimately the genital region went from ridiculous to sublime in a nanosecond. Half the girls working summer jobs at the local ice cream stand look like they've been attacked by a turretts victim wielding Ron Popeil's "Bedazzler". The Pix just wants a small vanilla bowl with jimmies, please. Thanks.

2. No, actually I'm still on the piercings. The Pix read last month where some unfortunate bird in England go here left breasticle pierced and it got infected............by the flesh eating virus. Talk about unintended consequences. All joking aside for a moment, women have a hard enough time with their breasticli as it is........bras, babies, bumps and lumps.......seriously just leave them alone. They look really really really great all by themselves. The only metal involved whatsoever should remain the well constructed yet oddly pliable underwire. You're welcome.

3. Dennis and Callahan. Apologies to those who don't live in the greater Boston area. D and C are Boston's #1 rated morning radio show. Ostensibly it is a sports program, but for the last year of so these two ass clowns have been masquerading as political pundits or simply 2 people with a modest knowledge of world and local affairs. They make the VPILF look like Copernicus. Here's what the Pix wants on his 4 minute commute to the office. Sox win, fart joke, rumor of a new celebrity sex tape. That's it. That's all. The two of you know less about the constitution than Travis Henry knows about planned parenthood (9 kids, 7 babymamas, 2 cities. As the Pix said last year, "2-4-6-8 Travis likes to procreate"). Get back to hot stove and the cover two before the Pix picks up the phone and impales you on the spear of your own bigotry and ignorance. Wait, that's two spears. Um, you know wtf I mean.

4. Um, actually, that's it for now. The Pix is fading and we have to get to the NFL. So for now fellow Mujahadids, stay strong on the Jihad. And tip those ice cream girls......tattoo removal is expensive I hear. The Pix...............

NO +1 at ATL. Saints need it more. We are at that time of the season where desparation begins to have an effect on all the games. Atl is giddy about their unexpected start. And maybe a little complacent.

Chi +3 over Ten. Ditto for this game. And according to SI's DR. Z, the boys in Vegas are begging for people to take the Titans.

Jax-6 @ Det. Sometimes the Pix will throw his underwear in the hamper and hopes the official wife doesn't inspect it too closely before it hits the washer. Nothing about football here, just felt like getting that off my chest.

Sea +10 @Mia. True story........Rahm Emmanuel, Obama's newly tabbed chief of staff is actually the person who was the inspiration for the character of Josh Lyman on "The West Wing". Not sure if that's cool or not but it's a far cry from discussing the Pix's used scivvies.

GB +2 @Minn. Readers should all know by now that the Pix is in the tank for the Pack and all things "sconnie".

Rams +8 ove Jets. Pix has it on good authority that Breet owns and operates a piercing pagoda notorious four using dirty needles and cooking meth in the basement. He also wrote in Palin for pres last Tuesday.

Baltimore +2 @Houston. Me thinks a certain someone in Westport, CT has noticed by now the number of road dogs picked this week. We'll discuss it in Nassau..........

Carolina -9 @ Oak. Raiders cut D'angelo Hall this week after paying him 1 million per week for the first 8 weeks of the season. In other news, the Pix 401k has become a 201k.

Indy even @ Pitt.
KC +14 @ SD.
NYG +3 @ Philly.
Arizona -9 against SF.

NE -4 agaist Buffalo. The Bills are dinged up and the Pats HAVE to win this to stay in the thick of things. Pix says Moss catches 2 td's and the Guru gets to relax early.

The Pix was 7-7 last week and remains a very profitable (for entertainment purposes only) 41-19 on the season vs. Vegas.

Pix calls election before CNN

2008-11-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

After reviewing reems of data and multiple trans-continental exit polls, the Pix is ready to call the 2008 Presidential election. Um, duh, it's Obama. It was over the moment Hilary Clinton conceded the Democratic primary last week, I mean last July. Despite trillions of print words and millions of tv minute dedicated to "the race", the outcome of this election was never really in doubt. It had nothing to do with taxes, the war on terror, education, abortion, Breet, gay marriage, race, agism or even the intergalactically moronic presumptive VPILF. It had to do with 2000. It had to do with the fact that Bush lost the popular vote while winning the electoral vote thanks to a court ruling. Then, in 2004, Bush (a war time president) almost lost to a Hermes tie wearing Zombie who was married to crazier than a shit house rat Theresa Heinz Kerry. In other words, Bush and Cheney were on thin ice as 2005 began.

The Pix isn't here to bash Bush. He's an easier target than Tara Reid after a bottle of Goldschlagger. But who couldn't see this coming? Oil went from 40 dollars a barrell to 150 in the first 3 1/2 years of his second term during a time in which the US seized the country with the second or third riches oil deposits in the world. Regardless of where one stands on the Iraq invasion and occupancy, to let their economy grow a 60 billion dollar surpluss when the US has literally financed and fought for their freedom seems incongruous at a time when our country's airline and automotive industries bankrupt themselves on 150 a barrell oil. Just sayin'.

When Bush took over the white house in 2000, the S+P 500 was 1480. Seven years later (Jan 07) it was 1389. After briefly touching 876 on October 24, it has rallied to roughly 1000 today. Red, blue or purple, that's the worst equity performance of any administration. EVER. So Obama will raise the capital gains tax? Who has gains? Most Americans have tax loss carry forwards they harvested during the Bush years and can offset them dollar for dollar against gains with higher rates in the years to come.

For most of the month of October, Americans couldn't peruse the business section without reading at length about the looming recession and possible depression. D-E-P-R-...well, you get it...and yet some folks are incredulous that the opposition party should maybe get another crack at power. Ummmmmmmmmm, really? Bill Clinton was and is a lying, cheating, cigar wielding, impeached and disbarred rascal. But that 'ol goat presided over the greatest bull market since the nifty fifties. And he kept us incredibly entertained. Now that the election is over, maybe Bill can procure himself an ambassadorial appointment to Thailand. Think he could get into any trouble over there?

Does the Pix hate higher taxes? Oui. Hate large gov't spending? Si. Is Biden an imbecile worthy of his own column? Da. But while CNN and all the other networks roll out three rows of pundits five accross with laptops and magical maps, spewing out worthless observations and partisan poop, the Pix simply breaks it down this way. The country is in bad shape, it is the other teams turn. Please drive through.

Apologies to those arriving here looking for football, flatulence and fermentation. More of that as the Pix returns to his regularly scheduled program.

Welcome to the Pix

2008-10-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

Let's jump right in, shall we? For those of you who have been reading the Pix for the last few years, welcome to the blog. Thanks to Jamie Tedford, the Pix was dragged into the internets age with the google and here we are. Thanks Jamie. The three main reasons for the transition from email are convenience, getting away from big brother and the ability to blog from home after a few cans of deliciousness. If it's anything like the Pix' drinking and dialing days from the 90's things should get interesting. A quick review of the last few years....

Breet=Brett Farve. Public enemy #1. Since Breet can't spell his last name correctly we've decided to help him with his first as well. Please browse the archives to get the true flavor of the Pix disdain for the main stain. He's a douche. (did you see that? The Pix swore.....first time in the history of the Pix. FREEDOM).

Ladudian Tampon=Ladanian Tomlinson. Overrated and lame. Took and continues to take massive beatdowns after complaining about Pats celebrating on Chargers field.

Turd Burglar=Ben Roethlisberger. Overrated. Weaker arm than Matt Cassell with half the ability to read a defense. Hid behind great Steeler line for years but couldn't hide from the Pix. Likes to sign multi million dollar contracts and then ride his rice rocket sans helmet.

Sarah Palin. Please refer to the 9/3 beatdown given to presumptive VPILF. Now that she is making noises about running in 2012, the Pix can breathe a sigh of relief. There's nobody with a comedy ceiling higher than Sarah. She'll be leaving us for a while after next Tuesday, but let's hope she doesn't stay away for long. Maybe she'll even give her first press conference some day. (one last thing......we know Sarah is somewhat anti-academic, but shouldn't her kids be in school and not on the campaign trail? Is it summer vacation in Alaska? Shouldn't Willow, Trag, Butterknife and Sand dune be getting an education?)

The Pix

Nada the last few weeks. 32 and 14 on season vs spread. For entertainment purposes only.

Buffalo-5 over Jeets. Since the Pix has been on hiatus, it has been revealed that Breet called the Lions in an effort to foil Aaron Rodgers and the Pack. In addition, Deanna Favre is all ove the national media crying that people have been mean to Breet. Deanna, Mother Theresa had worse pub than your husband, who, while racking up the all time league interception record was treated daily to full body massages with happy endings from the entire league media. These people will never get it. Louis IV acted less entitled. Prediction: if Breet throws 2 first half picks, he retires. Then, well, you know.

Chi-12 vs DET

Jax-7 at Cinci. TJ houseyourmamma guaranteed to the Bungles faithful this week that they would win at least on game this season. Um, ok. The Pix guarantees that the S+P 500 will not go to zero. Feel better?

Cleve even over Ravens. Just don't know if Joey Flaccid will stay up for the Ravens (rim shot).

TB-9 over KC. Yawn
Houston + 5 over Minny. Blurgh.
Arizona-2 over Rams. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.

GB +6 over Ten...And we're back. At some point the Pix would like to write more about his pilgrimage to Mecca (Lambeau Field) a few weeks back. Here's some quick and dirty......it is impossible to go to this stadium and tailgate with Packer fans and not immediately become a Pack fan. Granted, the Pix couldn't say this if Breet were involved, but he no longer is. The Philly fans are every bit as enthusiastic as Pack fans but they can't compete with the atmosphere that is GB. (The Pix is a homer, but please don't mention Pats games or the Foxboro fans. We just aren't in the same league). We were the only car in our tailgate section with tickets to the game! These people just tailgate, get hammered and go home to watch the game and eat more Brats. They truly get it. The Pix would also take the over on percent of fans at the game that had recently killed something. Just sayin'. Huge thanks to Jeff Walker and Dick Davis for introducing the Pix to the "Sconnie" way of life. Bacon, birds, beer, brats and no Breet. Delicious. Once the Pix figures out the internets more, some photos of the pilgrimage will be up on the blog.

Mia +3 over Donkees. Ricky Williams says, "vote yes on question 2".

Giants-7 over Romosexuals. Watching Jerry Jones' face when he lies to the camera about Wade Philips' job security or how Pac man is just misunderstood is almost as good as watching McCain try to keep a straight face about how Wasilla Sarah is qualified to be President. Their faces go completely red and their eyes start twitching like inspector Clouseau's lieutenant or Kathryn Hepburn on two pots of black coffee (thanks to Nick Depaulo).

Atl-3 over Oakland. For Halloween, Al Davis is going to go as.......Al Davis.

Philly-7 over Sea. Is this line right? Lock of week. (carefull TC)

Wash-1 over Turd. The Burglar needs to watch his grape this week. He'd be safer on a motorcycle than behinc the battered Steeler line.

Indy -5 over Pats. Sorry, that's just how it is going to go down. The Pix still has the Pats making the playoffs, but the Colts entire season is on the line here.

That wraps up the first blog entry not copy and pasted from past emails. Feel free to comment (another pro for the blog format) and check back for mid week updates. The Pix will have an updated jihad list soon as well as a consumer product review of major toilet paper brands.

Happy Halloween

The Pix

The PIX- 10/3

2008-10-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

What a week. Really. Totally insane. John Paul Sartre famously wrote that "Hell is other people". He would really have hated living in 2008.
Let's try to lighten things up a little, shall we? Official wife and the Pix tuned into the VP debate last night hoping for some high comedy.
After watching clips of the Katie Couric interview all week, the Pix half expected the lipstick pit bull to feint, run out of the room crying or maybe just open the debate by saying "I'm sorry, I just can't do this." Instead she.....well....she proved once again that she can read and that she would make a moderately decent local tv anchor, as long as someone taught her how to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear". The Pix honestly can't understand how this person could be this close to becoming President. Which leads us to this week's theme: Things the Pix doesn't get....

1. Washing the outside of the car. I don't get it. Isn't that what the paint is for? I mean, you bought the paint, right? Doesn't it keep the rain and sun and dirt and salt and all that stuff out of the inside of the car? Whenever the Pix drives by the car wash and sees people actually waiting in line, wasting their time and then paying for a car wash....I just think what a colossal waste of time. And some people go like once a week. I don't get it.

2. Clothes with writing on the butt. I don't get it. The only logical thing I can think of to print on the rear of a pair of pants or shorts is "hey, look at my a#$". And isn't that redundant? And while we are on female fashion, could someone please wake me up when the over size sunglass look goes out of style again? Please? I appreciate it. And let's just skip the tattoo and piercing comments. You know how the Pix feels about that, right?

3. Making the bed. Is there a more useless exercise than making the bed?

4. People who ask "what kind of salad dressing do you have?" How many types are there? Like 5 majors, right? And shouldn't anyone over the age of 13 have a pretty well established dressing of preference and a fairly automatic back up? It's not like the FDA is going to approve a new and revolutionary dressing overnight. And even if they did it's unlikely the "Muffin Shop" would have it yet. Italian, Russian, Blue Cheese, Ranch, Oil and Vinegar and most likely some bull $h)t diet vinaigrette. That's it. That's the list. (maybe Greek or tangy tasty parmesan peppercorn, but that's it)

5. Fish tacos

6. People who think drinking alone constitutes a problem. The Pix has said this before, but it warrants repeating....you are not drinking alone if the TV is on.

7. Pole Vaulting. I get the Olympic sport, I just don't get where it comes from. Let's assume most of the original Olympic sports were born of some military use. Running. Throwing a big stone. Throwing a spear.
I get those. But let's say you invented pole vaulting and you use it in a battle and successfully vault yourself into the enemy's castle. Then what? You're hosed. And you're dead. And I can't imagine any of your buddies are going to want to go next. It just doesn't make sense. I don't get it.

8. Hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. Why don't they make solid ones any more? Isn't half the pleasure of biting into the bunny's head the reassuring knowledge that you have this huge piece of candy and you're
only one bite into it? And then you feel the hollow crumbles break
apart and you realize you have been gypped. Easter is lame enough as it is. Until the lamb dinner. Ummmmm. The Pix loves lamb with some nice mint jelly and mashed potatoes with lamb gravy....

9. Musical guests on SNL. The Pix originally thought the best part of tivo was fast forwarding through the commercials. That has been far surpassed by having the ability to fast forward through the worst 4 minutes of TV every week. (And now the band plays twice!). Dear Mr.
Michaels, I watch your show for cheap humor and the occasional mean spirited barb. Not to be reminded on weekly basis just how bad music has become. I don't get it. Thanks, The Pix.....

Last week, bye. Two weeks ago, 10-6. Total for season 32-14 against the spread. (for entertainment purposes only)

Tenn -3 over Bal
NY -7 over Sea
Philly -5 over Wash
SD -7 over Mia
Chi -3 over Det
GB no line over ATL
Indy -3 over Hous
Carolina -10 over KC
Denver -3 over TB
Buff + 2 over AZ
NE -3 over SF
Dallas -17 over Cin
Jax -4 over Turd
NO -3 over Minn

Bonus Pix....Red Sox in 4, TB in 4, LA in 4 and Philly in 4.

Special Pix prediction....McCain wins less than 15 states in November.
Right now he leads in poles in 24. Check out Intrade.com for that info.

New item for the Pix......TV trivia. Each week the Pix will reveal the winner (whoever emails the correct answer 1st) and have some sort of award for winning the season (probably a cold can of deliciousness)

What is the name of the beverage that Grandpa would sneak off and drink with the Baldwin sisters? No Google!

Next week......the return of the ovarian consultant.

Pix out.

2008-09-18T11:02:00.000-07:00

Before we begin with week 3, the Pix has a few housekeeping items to go
over. Item #1 is the distribution list. There isn't one. The Pix is a
retard and doesn't know how to properly use Outlook. In addition,
Outlook will occasionally drop a name or several and then the Pix gets
hazed for "leaving me off the list". It takes the Pix longer to go
through the names above than it does to write the freaking thing. Over
the last few years the Pix has been asked to add names, and for whatever
reason it's 3-4 new ones per week now. Trust me, I appreciate you all
forwarding these to your friends and the (sometimes) flattering things
people write me. The Pix loves it. I just don't have the time to add
more names. A few people have told me to start a blog. I'm on the
fence. The thing is this is fun for me and I don't want to feel
obligated to write or spend more time than I already am. Plus, the Pix
reads blogs (barstoolsports.com). It's a different level. When the Pix
started out it was 10 minutes a week. Now it's more like an hour. The
Pix isn't sure how many more jokes about pre stroke grandma Walton,
Cher, Breet and fermented cucumbers there are left. Anyway, please
continue to forward these if you want and please enjoy them.

This weeks theme is one that is near and dear to the Pix.
Deliciousness. For those not new to the Pix, the D word means Budweiser
or some appropriate liquid intoxicant consumed while observing the
National Football league. FOTPs also know the Pix likes to maintain a
strict viewing schedule and can usually be found in 1-3 top secret
locations. While the new and improved Pix Place is under construction,
it is more and more likely that the 2008 season will see the Pix viewing
games beyond the normal comfort zones of his limited universe. These
are known as away games. And they are unfortunate. Not only does the
possibility of facing digestive challenges (lack of fan, small bowl,
lack of Charmin with Aloe) arise, an even greater danger can appear.
Lack of appropriate deliciousness. Quality and quantity.

The whole situation reminds the Pix of a wedding during the 90's. After
skipping the ceremony and heading directly to the bar, the Pix was
confronted with one of the most terrifying sights known to man. A
situation so desperate and dire that months of therapy still couldn't
erase the trauma. The Pix refers, of course, to the Amstel light and
Heineken bar. Scandal, shame, pestilence, gender equity.....nothing
holds a candle to the hideous, deplorable and unconstitutional Amstel
light and Heineken bar. The Pix would rather be charged 8 bucks per can
of Fresca for the evening than drink one free bottle of the devil twins
of Euro-pee. Which leads us to the point of all of this........if by
chance the Pix winds up in one of your houses this season for his
viewing pleasure, please use this list of beverage do's and beverage
don'ts.

1.Budweiser. AKA deliciousness. Lots of it. 38 degrees please.
Preferably the new bottle can. Thank you, please drive through.

2. Miller Lite. Only acceptable since it is the official beverage of
Jefe and Mr. Vegas. It's a guest beer. The Pix will drink it in a
beverage emergency. Quick tip: If you only have 6 Miller lites and 6
Buds, drink the ML's first. One can't possibly go from nectar to
average product.

3. Gin and tonic. Lovely. Delightful.

4. Any foreign beer. Nein. Nyet. Never. Get that week cheese out of
here. Recently the Pix has noticed several people drinking Stella
Artois. What the??? Is it Italian? Belgian? What the hell is that
stuff? It tastes like a skunk sprayed some lobster bait. The Pix will
drink it in a pinch, though.

5. Coke. Perfectly acceptable. The original official non alcoholic
beverage of the Pix. Delicious on ice in a tall glass with a grilled
ham and cheese and some Pringles. Nice little pre-game snack.

6. Ginger Ale. Also acceptable. When the Pix was a child on Sundays
trying to avoid religious services so he could spend some time with
Brent, Irv, Phyllis and Jimmy, he was known to feign a slight illness or
two. Said malady would normally result in optimal couch real estate
being claimed with the added bonus of the less smelly afghan and copious
amounts of bubbly ginger ale. Not until the obnoxious 60 minutes
commercials began airing did the Pix relinquish pole position on the
couch. Good times, indeed.

7. Bud light. Meh. Yawn. Several former deliciousness drinkers have
crossed over to the watery version lately. The Pix is not impressed.
Man up and drink the high test for goodness sake.

8. Coors light. The Pix recently read that Coors light was responsible
for half the teenage pregnancies in New Jersey. That said, the Pix
finds the silver buddy the closest tasting beer to the King. Final
verdict: acceptable. The Pix....

10-4 last week. 22-8 on the season vs. the spread. For entertainment
purposes only.

Atlanta -4 over KC. What a lame match up. Why is Larry Johnson whining
again? What's his beef this time? Go enjoy an Amstel light, Larry.

Arizona +3 over Washington. The Pix has a soft spot for the Cardinals.
Goes back to Jim Hart and Terry Metcalf. This game should be a half
decent road test for Arizona. Jury is still way out on Jim Zorn and
Jason Campbell.

Tenn -5 over Houston. Gonna ride the Titans until they don't pay.

Buffalo -9 over Oakland. Ditto the Bills. The Pix hopes they show
shots of Al Davis up in his box drooling and snarling with his greasy
stringy hair and yellow uncut fingernails. He looks like a cross
between Howard Hughes when he barricaded himself in his house and the
old lady landlord Woody Harrelson had to get with in "Kingpin". That
scene may have been more disturbing than Ned Beatie and Jon Voight's
little party in "Deliverance".

Chicago -3 over Tampa. Let's give the Bears one more week. They should
have covered last week in Carolina, Boog.

Panthers -3 over Minn. Tavaris gets benched. What a pitiful
performance last week against the Colts.

Cincy +14 over Giants. The Cinmates have to play a desperate game here.
Their season is on the line. Me thinks the Giants will have a little
let down against a seemingly toothless opponent.

Denver -5 over Saints. This line seems off to me. Shouldn't the
Donkeys be giving like 9 here at home?

San Fran -4 over Det.

Rams +10 over Seahawks. Poor Seattle. If San Diego (according to Ron
Burgundy) is German for a female part of a whale's anatomy, Seattle is
Pawnee for the other end.

Cleveland +3 over Baltimore. See Cincy vs. NY. If the Browns lose this
their season is over.

Philly -3 over Pitt. Eagles could have a Monday night hangover, but the
Turd Burglar has a sore wing and a soft grape.

Jax +6 over Colts. Anyone catch the latest Viagra commercial? The one
where the dude throws the remote control out the window and waltzes to
the bedroom? Note to Pfizer.....you never, Never, NEVER disrespect the
remote. Why don't you just have a bunch of guys sitting in room
drinking Amstels, burning the American flag and bad mouthing John Wayne?
If I'm running Cialis add campaign I'd immediately run an add showing a
guy walking by the same house, picking up the remote, beat the other
dude with it and take his woman. Then he can tell his lady to chill
while he finishes watching the game because, um, he's got like 4 hours
right?

Dallas -3 over Packers. Over/under on Jessica Simpson
references......12. Over/under on Breet references......112.

Speaking of....Jets +10 over Ladudians. How delightful was last week?
Breet throws a juicy pick and my man Matty Cassell manages a tidy little
game. If Breet can't cover a 10 point spread in a must win game then
he's in for a long season. Wait, he just retired again. Wait, he's
coming back. Wait....

Mia +13 over Pats. Relax. Of course Pats win, but the days of them
covering two touchdown spreads is over for this season. Pennington
usually plays well in Foxboro. So do the fish. Pats 27, Mia 17.

Not a lot of humor this week. Not a lot of humor in the financial
markets. But the Pix must go on.....just like good old #1 Bernie
Carbo.

Pix Out.

2008-09-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

.........Err............staring at blank
screen..............thinking........thinking............where to start?
How about a moment of silence?

Ok. (thanks to TC). Let's just get to the question of the year. Is
the season over? Does losing the most important, most popular, most
irreplaceable player on your team eight minutes into the first game of
the season mean that the season is, for all intents and purposes,
finished? The Pix was barely into his first can of deliciousness when
the bubbly Bud cam flying out of both nostrils and chicken wing hole.
Yikes and gadzooks. I think it was Bill Simmons this week who likened
the experience of losing Brady this early in the season to that of
being left at the altar. The only caveat to that the Pix would add is
that in this instance the groom has to immediately grab the hottest
bridesmaid, go through with the ceremony, and try to make a go of it.
The hottest bridesmaid in this case being Matt Cassell. Zoinks.

For those who know the Pix well, you know that "glass half full" would
not accurately describe the Pix. "Glass half empty" might be a stretch
too, come to think of it. More like "If glass is 9/10 full the fact
that 1/10 of the glass is missing is a deplorable travesty of
inter-galactic proportions." Why then, does the first thing that comes
to mind is the Pix' favorite scene from "Apollo 13"? When, asked to
give the President odds on the successful return of spacecraft and crew
(expecting not very good) Ed Harris snaps "Tell the President that I
think this will be our finest hour." And so, dear readers and Patriots
fans everywhere, the Pix says here that this will be our finest hour.
We get to be the underdogs again. Remember how much fun the 2001 season
was? And we get the added bonus of rooting against the biggest fraud of
a quarterback playing for the biggest traitor coach in a city so morally
bankrupt that the headline in their most widely read paper said "Yahoo"
in response to the league MVP getting his knee blown out. Make no
mistake. The Pix has it on good authority that Breet and Manjudas spent
the entire week molesting children, beating the elderly and spitting on
troops returning from Iraq. Not to mention that it's a poorly kept
secret that while in Green Bay, Breet was funding Al Qaeda through a
series of false charities while constantly increasing his carbon
footprint and writing speeches for Sarah Palin. Worse than all that,
however, comes this news.....he's personally bankrolling and overseeing
the return of "New Kidz on the Block". The Pix....

(Last week 12-4 vs. the spread. For entertainment purposes only)

Oak +4 vs. KC. Not only was the hit on Brady cheaper than one share of
Sirius, Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne "manos de piedra" Bowe complained the
refs cheated for the Pats by not throwing a flag on the final series of
the game. Look, Tony, Dwayne, The Pix knows living in KC can't be much
fun. Other than cooking meth in your basement, attending Royals games
and wondering why your uniforms haven't been redesigned since the
Kennedy administration there's not a whole lot to do. And who would
write about it if there were? But when you lose to a qb who hasn't
played meaningful time since high school, have a little perspective.

GB -3 over Detroit. Needless to say, the Pix will be rooting for the
Packers from now on. Now that they have removed the malignant, petulant
and flatulent tumor that is was and always will be Breet.

Chicago +4 over Carolina. Anyone else want to thank the Bears for
humiliating Pay me Manning and Mahatma Dungy on the night they open
their new stadium? And really? Lucas Oil Stadium? Really? I guess
Mino's roast beef didn't want to step up for the naming rights.

Tenn +1 over Cinmates. Wow. What's going on with Vince Young? Crazy?
Hyper-sensitive? Injured? The Pix knows this.....VY throws like a girl
and likes to dance half nude at all male clubs. Google "the big lead"
and check out pictures of Vince with his boys. Vito from the Sopranos
thinks Vince needs to be more discreet.

Buffalo +6 over Jax. Jags are overrated. Swampscott's own Dick Jauron
is underrated.

New Orleans even over Wash. Over/Under on Jim Zorn's employment status
is 8 weeks. Paging Mr. Cowher. Mr. Bill Cowher, please report to the
'skins front office to pick up your $40 million.

Indy -2 over Minn. Tavaris Jackson? Really? What the Vikings wouldn't
give for a stud QB like Matt Cassell....

Giants -9 over Rams. Woof.

SF + 9 over Seattle. It bears repeating.....until the Seahawks change
their uniforms from Calphalon non stick grey back to blue and green,
they will get no love from the Pix.

Atlanta +9 over Tampa. Brian Griese starting for the Bucs at QB. The
Pix remembers when Griese was leading Michigan to a national
championship, circa 1973...

Arizona -7 over Miami.

Denver -2 over SD. Incredible. Pix will be rooting for the Donkeys for
the first time since Lyle Alzado lined up for the "Orange Crush".
That's how despicable Ladudian Tampon, Norvil and Steroiman are. Bolts
should be thankful the Pix is saving the sword for the Jeets this week.

Pitt -5 over Cleveland. Note to Kellen Winslow Jr......The Pix would
like to purchase advertising space on the one square inch of your body
you don't currently have tattooed. What's the point, Kellen? And why
are you so angry with your parents? And what's with LeBron wearing
Yankees hats to Indians games and Cowboys jerseys to Browns games? Have
a little respect, man.

Dallas -7 over Philly. Would be different if game were in Philly (best
home fans in football). Donovan McNabb is to big games what Sarah Palin
is to press conferences. Non existent. Ann Frank was in hiding for
less time than Governor Palin has been since the nomination. She sort
of reminds me of the William Hurt character from "Broadcast News".
Totally phony, but so profoundly and unapologetically phony that it's
kind of endearing.

Bal at Houston. Hurricane Ike minus the points.

Pats +3 over Jeets. Oy Vey. It was suggested earlier this week to the
Pix that if Breet had stayed retired, there was a good chance the Pats
would have traded for his rights. Blasphemy! Sacrilege! The Pix would
rather see the Patriots go 1-15 with Cassell than go undefeated with
(holding nose) Breet playing for NE. The Pats are about team. Breet is
about Breet. And clubbing baby seals. With the Pats going into the
devil city as underdogs and the national media slurping all things
Jeets; rooting for the Pats for every yard, every first down, every
tackle will be an experience not felt as a Pats fan for a while. The
Pix can't wait for next week when the victorious Pats return to a
stadium that for too long has been filled with a sense of complacency
and entitlement. Cue Ed Harris.

Thanks for reading and enjoy the weekend.

The Pix.

2008-09-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

What? You didn't think the NFL was starting? It has been a long and
mostly uneventful off season for both the Pix and the NFL. Rumors of a
certain quarterback coming out of retirement and changing teams
notwithstanding, the Pix has been fairly disappointed in the amount of
off-season unintentional comedy and shenanigans. Senator Craig seems to
have narrowed his seating stance. Paris, Lindsay, Brittany and the
girls have begun wearing underwear again and it appears Cher remains
retired. Hmmmm. What to opine on? What is there that the Comedy Gods
can give the Pix? Oh yeah....Gov Sarah Palin.

I know what you are saying. "Don't do it, Pix.""Don't get
political."Don't bring religion into the mix."I know. You are right.
But the Pix wouldn't be the Pix if he didn't get to throw a curve ball
now and again. As important as global Jihad against pickles and CVS is,
we need to focus today on one of the strangest political moves made in
our lifetimes; the selection of Sarah Palin to be John McCain's running
mate this fall.

Before we go any further, a little disclosure. The Pix is a pretty hard
core conservative who twice voted for Dan Quayle for Vice President.
And I'm sure young Sarah can spell Potato. In addition, the VAST
majority of source I will be using for this rant comes from Wikipedia.
In fact, NPR is vetting a story right now that someone from Palin's
staff edited large amounts of her WIKI bio within fifteen minutes of her
selection. So they have seen and are ok with whatever is up there. One
more thing....the Pix does not think he is Christopher Hitchens or
Maureen Dowd. And we'll get to football eventually. It's just that the
Pix has a feeling that these next few months of campaign will be more
like a MTV real world/road rules reality tv show than a robust political
contest. And the Pix loves him some reality TV.

Let's break Sarah down Pix style, shall we? Beginning with her
qualifications.......alright then. No, really, she's done a lot. Head
of the PTA, really good high school hoopster, beauty pageant runner up
and part time sports reporter for less than a year in Anchorage.
Graduated college in 5 years from Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho
College and finally the U of Idaho. Has been governor of America's
emptiest state for less than two years and was mayor of a town that is
less than half the size of Marblehead. Seriously, go and Google
Wasilla, Alaska. Go to images. See the town hall? Welcome back. It
must be nice to be able to pick up a slurpy, slim Jim and hog book while
you stop by to vote on the latest town budget override. Here's a quote
from Wikipedia, "In 2002 term limits prevented Palin from running for a
third term as Mayor. Her step mother-in-law, Faye Palin ran for office
but lost the election to Diane Keller after Sarah Palin endorsed Keller,
her cousin." What the?...? She endorsed her cousin over her step
mother-in-law? In related news, Sheriff Taylor endorsed Aunt B, who
lost the election to Floyd the barber after it was discovered that B's
campaign spokesperson, Goober, misappropriated funds from Opie's paper
route.

More political hijinks and tom-foolery....In 1997, Palin fired town
librarian over book titles that were "somehow morally and socially
objectionable." Worth noting here that the townspeople went ballistic
and Palin had to re-hire the librarian. Also worth noting that this
scene is eerily reminiscent of John Lithgow burning books as the mean
and half crazy pastor of some backwater church in Bomont. What, you
never saw "Footloose"? Everybody cut loose....footloose, ok, sorry.

Back to Palin. According to the New York Times, "Palin has traveled
very little outside the States. In July, 2002 she had to get a passport
to visit troops in Kuwait. Her spokesman, Bob Perritt, states that she
has also visited Canada." Um, so she's got that going for her, I guess.
Here's another gem from Wiki, "McCain's spokespeople point to her role
as Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard. Major General Craig
E. Campbell, immediate commander of the Alaska National Guard states
that Palin has no role in national defense activities relating to the
Guard"......but she HAS been to Canada, Right?

Listen, the Pix loves John McCain. Read his book. Voted for him over W
in the 2000 primary. But what's going on with Maverick? First he
forgets how many houses he owns and then he finds a running mate more
obscure than Oulan Bator and further to the right of the ancient ruler
of said region. Sarah Palin is kind of cute in a Tina Fey after several
cheeseburgers kind of way, and I'd love to party with the bird. Really,
Moose burgers, snow mobiles, hunting....sounds fun. The Pix just isn't
sure she, Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse and Roscoe are ready to break down NATO
treaties or lack thereof with Putin and DimitriMedvedev. Particularly
after she said she hasn't been really focused on "what's going on in
Iraq" and couldn't accept the nomination until "someone tells me exactly
what it is the Vice President does". The Pix isn't sure either, but it
has something to do with being ready on day 1 for something more than a
sewer zoning variance for the new town hockey rink. Just Sayin.

Then there's Trooper gate. For the sake of brevity, because this has
gone on much longer than the Pix had intended, she fired a state safety
official because he refused to fire a trooper who turned out to be
Palin's soon to be ex brother-in-law who was involved in a messy divorce
and custody suit with Palin's sister. Not to be confused with this
classic. "Um, He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's
brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid whose going
with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 flavors last night. I guess
it's pretty serious."

Anyhoo, the Pix....

Giants -4 over Skins.

NO -3 over TB.

Phi -7 over St Louis.

Jets -3 over Mia. You may have heard, the Jeets have new QB. More on
him next week.

Pats -16 over Kc.

Pitt -7 over Hous.

Cinmates even over Bal-a-mer.

Atlanta +3 over Det

Seattle even over Buff

Tenn +3 over Jax.

Dallas -4 over Cleve

Carolina +10 over Norvil and Ladudian

AZ -2 over SF

Chicago +10 over IND

GB -3 over Minn. This one's for the Walker boys. Who have had a tough
offseason.

Oak +3 over Donkeys

That's it. Pix week one is in the books. Next week...more jihad list
and futile attempts at sophomoric humor. Maybe some crude gender
related insults. In other words, more tradition.

As always, please feel free to reply to he Pix but never reply to all.
Fidelity doesn't like it and neither does the OC (Ovarian correspondent
for those who need a reminder). That's her domain. Enjoy the opening
weekend of NFL action. The Pix will be in the new official home with
official wife, children and friends with level 3 Pix clearance (anyone
with a 12 pack).

2008-07-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

Not to say I told you so, but.....if anyone still has a copy of the
March Breet update, please feel free to forward it. The Pix was hoping
to take the summer off, but Breet being Breet, he had to interject
himself into the headlines due to the fact that there was nothing else
going on in the world. Midwest floods? $150 per barrel oil?
Presidential election? Credit crisis and plunging stock market?
Beijing Olympics? All irrelevant. Breet is Breet and he is more
important than anything. Just ask him.

One might assume the Pix is tired of Breet's act. Au Contraire. Would
a dog be tired of his favorite hydrant? Is Bill Gates tired of his
favorite ATM? Is John Stewart tired of W? Of course not. Breet and
the Pix share a special and timeless relationship. He is a hypocritical
donkey and the Pix is here to break it down.

Let's examine a few nuggets from the (two night!) interview this week
with Greta Van face lift/eye job. Breet bemoans the fact that he begged
the Packers to sign Randy Moss two years ago and they let him down. Boo
Hoo. It's bad enough to imply that your own receiving corps was sub
par. It's bad enough to EVER roll your teammates under the bus. In
this case it is also totally freaking delusional. In 2008 (when he was
SI sportsman of the year), his receivers were responsible for 51% of
Breet's total passing yards (with yards after catch). 2nd in the
league! So Donald Driver and Greg Jennings (not to mention one of the
most productive ground games in the NFL) carry Breet on their backs and
he goes on national television complaining that management didn't
surround him with enough talent. That would be like Seinfeld not
winning an Emmy and blaming it on the fact that Elaine, George and
Kramer weren't funny enough. And that oh by the way Larry David can't
write.

If Packer fans aren't the best fans in the NFL, they are at least in the
top three. This Prima Donna in no way deserves the loyalty of these
good people. Whether or not he was a great vs. good quarterback during
his career isn't debatable. He was great for the first 8 or so years
and mediocre after that. That's it. That's the deal. Does his
personality allow his legend to be exaggerated? Sure, a little. He
seemed like a nice guy. And he was a character. But watching the media
slurp and fall over themselves to worship at the altar of Breet has been
one of the most bizarre media fairy tales the Pix has ever witnessed.
Let's use television one more time to help us put things in perspective,
shall we? To say that Breet was even the best quarterback in Packer
history would be to say that "Laverne and Shirley" was the best show in
history based in Milwaukee. It wasn't, "Happy Days" was. Bart Starr is
"Happy Days". Look it up. Starr, 5 championships and a 9-1 lifetime
playoff record with the highest completion percentage in playoff
history. And he didn't get to feast on wild card teams. Breet, you are
Laverne. You are Shirley. Take Lenny and Squiggy and beat it back to
Kiln, Miss.

On second thought, welcome back. I missed my hydrant.

Until September (Seriously this time. No, seriously I'm not coming
back),

The Pix

2008-03-04T10:57:00.000-08:00

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".....Dr. Seuss

"Don't go away mad, just go away".....Motley Crew

"Breet Sux". The Pix

Due to not just a few requests for some comments regarding the
retirement (supposedly) of the Pix' long time punching bag Breet, here
are some rapid fire shots....

Is he really gone? Somehow, like with the Clintons and the Yankees,
it's very hard to believe that the universe could actually be freed of
such a persistent pestilence. I firmly expect Breet "comeback" rumors
to swirl around the NFL this offseason. To wit: Breet supposedly spoke
to Randy Moss over the weekend to get him to come to GB. Breet's agent
also says that Packers management was conspicuously absent in regards to
the mandatory Jan and Feb slurpapalooza. So Breet wakes up Monday
morning feeling a little neglected and decides to take his ball and go
home. Whaaaa. So if the Packers get Moss and beg Breet to return he
comes back? Whatever. This dude is more fickle than a high school diva
agonizing over who get's the privalege of taking her to the prom. Trust
the Pix, we haven't heard the last of Breet. Even if he takes the year
off, '09 is a possibility. Maybe he can link up with Debbie Clemens,
get some of that good HGH and sign with the team in November if the Pack
gets off to a slow start. Too bad Peter King is in Afghanistan right
now. This must be killing him. I just don't think it's over yet....just
sayin'.

Let's get to the real news of the day. Idol contestant David Hernandez
is being outed by CNN that he used to work at a male strip joint giving
lap dances to dudes and dancing for tips. Wait, there's a male Idol
contestant being "outed" and it's not Danny Noriega? What the....?

To be fair, almost all the male contestants this year could be starring
in a off broadway production of "The Birdcage". They seriously should
bag bringing in Bon Jovi this year and just turn the show over to Elton
John, George Michael and Nathan Lane. Danny Noriega makes Sanjaya look
like John Wayne on Dianabol. And that 17 year old midget isn't fooling
me either. He's as sincere as the afformentioned Hillary trying to
pretend she's anti NAFTA and not sending pictures of Obama dressed like
Al Zarqawi around the internet faster than Bill can download the latest
pics from "Hottestmyspacechix.com". Admit it, you looked it up.

Finally, let's just get this out of the way so we don't have to lead off
next season with it. Thegamethatshallnotbementioned. It was horrible.
I'm not remotely prepared to discuss it. The only potential balm for
the wound will be watching the Sox get their World Series rings again.
In front of the Yankees. Again. Hopefully that will help. Deep down
though, I believe that as much as I believe Breet is really retiring and
the Clintons will be exiting the political landscape.

"I voted before the war before I voted against it". John Kerry

"For the first time in three years I didn't feel like this was my last
game. I would like to continue" Breet, Jan 21, 2008.

"I know I can still play, I'm just tired". Breet, March 3, 2008.

Just Sayin'.....

2008-02-01T10:56:00.000-08:00

of the Pix has mercifully arrived. No more Breet, no
more Ladudian, no more Turd Burglar. It's been a long season and one
that Pats fans will have reason to remember for the rest of our lives.
There was comedy, there was tragedy and there were multiple cans of
deliciousness consumed. We updated the Jihad list, the boycot list and
let our thoughts be known on subjects ranging from Darfur to Britney to
Thomas'English muffins. The Mangina Manjudas took it in the seat and
Mohatma Dungy got his just deserts as well. Once again the Guru stands
at the threshold of immortality and readers of the Pix were along for
the entire ride. Well done, my friends. But before we go and before
the final pick is made, some current events and headlines have demanded
commentary. Let's break them down Pix style, shall we?

The NBA Players association met with the Toronto Raptors this week to
remind some of the players of their fiscal responsibilities. It seems
that 5 years after retiring from pro hoops and earning an average salary
of 5 million dollars a year, 60% of NBA players are broke. Busted.
Bankrupt. Um............the Pix knows how to spend a little glue and
has been known to make the occasional impulse purchase, but blowing
through 25 million in 5 years? 60% of them? How expensive has "the
chronic" or whatever designer version of stinkweed players are inhaling
become? It is understood that the NFL is all about getting a ring and
the NBA all about the bling, but this statistic has a normally skeptical
Pix apoplectic. The official wife does have somewhat of a posse, or
entourage if you will, but the most that usually costs us is a couple of
grilled cheese sandwiches at the muffin shop and 6 diapers a day.
Fortunatley for the Pix, he has narrowed his life down to one official
wife. Not so, apparently, Jason Caffey. Mr.Caffey, formerly of the
world champion Chicago Bulls and who had earned a reported 30 million or
so during his career, has recently filed for bankruptcy. He seeks to
protect himself from creditors who include 8 children by 7 different
women. Bonne Chance Monsieur Caffey and fellow NBA ballers, maybe the
diamond and gold necklaces and earings weren't such a great idea after
all. And put down the glock.

On a more positive note, people might be wondering what to watch on TV
after the football season is over, and the Pix has just the thing. It
was recently brought to the Pix' attention that the greatest TV show of
all time is returning for it's third season on Feb 11. A show that
features one of the most original entertainment icons of the last 30
years and whose quest for true love is both noble and inspiring. The
Pix refers, of course, to Flava Flav and his incredibly uplifting show,
"Flavor of Love 3". In what can only be described as an upset of global
proportions, Flav didn't find his true soulmate in either of the 1st two
seasons. He did, however, manage to cohabitate with some of America's
finest dancers, aspiring actresses and single moms.....giving them all
hope and a chance at becoming Mrs. Flava Flav, complete with the gold
grill and the 7 kids he already supports. This years lovelies have
nicknames just like the girlz from seasons one and two. Some examples,
you ask? Certainly. There's: Myammee, Q-tee, Prancer, Sinceer,
Sheeninz, Bunz, Grayvee, Ice (the pix favorite) and lastly a set of
twins he affectionatley refers to Thing 1 and Thing 2. It may be argued
by some that Flav is not advancing the feminist movement... and perhaps
that's true. But Flav can't help that he's a hopeless romantic who is
just trying to carve out a small piece of the American dream for
himself. So here's to you Monsieur Flav, the Pix toasts you and salutes
you. May you never run out of deliciousness and may the network execs
keep this show running for years to come. It is truly the gift that
keeps on giving.

Finally, it's on to football. Sen. Arlen Specter was quoted in today's
NY Times that he has sent a letter to Commissioner Goodel that Congress
wants to know why he destroyed all the tapes the Patriot sent them as a
result of the Spygate investigation. Just when the Pix thought there
was no one left out there dumb enough to provide motivation to the Guru
and his players, along comes this bozo who wants to grandstand for his
Pennsylvania constituents. Not that he's bitter about that 2004
beatdown where his QB ran the 2 minute offense by crawling and puking up
the field in a performance more disturbing than Uda Pippig's last 1/4
mile of the 1996 Boston Marathon. In fact, Eli might want to strap on
some Depends because he may just end up resembling Ms. Pippig after
Seymour and Vrabel get done with him. The G-men just don't have the
horses. The thing about a 2 week layoff before the Superbowl is that
it's just enough time for the media to write themselves into the false
hopes that a team like the Giants can hang with these Pats. It's not
going to happen. There was NO PRESSURE on the Giants in week 16 when
they gave us their best shot and still go swatted away in the end. Eli
had absolutely nothing to lose in that game nor in any of the subsequent
games. Not so this week. He carries the pressure of the country's
largest media outlet as well as the Manning name and he goes up against
nothing less than the greatest team in the history of the game. True
story: In mini camp this summer, before even the first exhibition game
had been played, Vinny Testaverde was overheard saying he thought the
'07 Pats were the greatest team ever. And he hadn't seen Moss play yet.
Vinny is 71 years old and has seen a thing or two. Patriots 41, Giants
17.

That's it my friends. It's been fun writing this season and getting all
the great feedback from you guys. The Pix returns in September of '08.
Be well. Go Pats.

Pix out.