1/12/07

So Miller Lite wants to do a series of commercials about Man Laws and
they hire as the central character.......Burt Reynolds? I guess Scott
Baio and Tommy from 8 is Enough werent' available. Burt Reynolds is a
walking talking man law violation. No Toupes isn't a man law? No
plastic surgery isn't a man law? Not having Dom Deluise be your best
friend isn't a man law? And let's examine the rest of the dubious man
law cast. Jimmy Johnson, who still thinks getting his hair cut half way
down his ear is a good look. Some WWE dude. A 110 lb boxer who is
better known for his singing. And the man pimp from Deuce Bigelow.
Actually, that guy cracks me up. In other news, a big deal was made of
who got into the baseball hall of fame. Very few sporting related
issues are more boring than the MLB HOF. This year they let in a fat
guy who hit singles for a crappy team and a guy who played a lot of
games and was tremendously overrated for it. Basically Breet in a
baseball uniform. The MLB HOF reminded me of other overrated and
annyoing sporting events.

1. Boston Marathon. Yawn.
2. College basketball regular season. Rumor has it that these guys
have been playing for a while now. Wake me up in March.
3. The French open. Merde.
4. Anything Poker or X games related. The Pix....

Indy at B'more. The Pix will take a wild guess here that the pre game
analysis will focus on Peyton vs Ray Lewis. Let's just say the Pix will
skip the pregame show. Who will Peyton throw under the bus for this
years playoff loss? He's already used the O line and the kicker. This
year I say he blames El Nino. Which is Spanish for the Nino. Final
score, Baltimore 24, Indy 13.

Philly at Saints. The Pix will skip this pregame too. I'm officially
Katrina'd out. Thank goodness Drew Brees, Sean Payton and Reggie Bush
have completely rebuilt the city by themselves. In more interesting
news, the Pix was delighted to read a story yesterday about weddings all
around New Orleans being awash with guests' cancelling at the last
minute due to the game. Think about it........who would have thought
the Saints would be in the playoffs, let alone a Saturday night game?
How hilarious. How delightful. How delicous. Not that the Pix is
anti-marriage. Really. Final score Saints 31, Philly 17.

Seattle at Chicago. Let's face it, with the exception of Boog, this is
the game everyone will skip this weekend to pretend like you are paying
attention to your family. It's OK. It's divisional playoff weekend.
Which brings us to some actual man rules for the Pats game.

1. Women are restricted to 3 sentences. Can I make you a sandwich?
Would you like another beer? Would you like a hot oil massage? Should
I lock the kids in the basement until the game is over? Um, that's
four. But you get the point. Final score Bears 24, Seapukes 3.

Pats at San Diego. Do you ever scan the "faces in the crowd section" of
Sports Illustrated and find yourself looking at the 14 year old female
track star from California and wonder if you have a problem? No? Um,
never mind. Anyway, I just keep thinking of the last two times these
teams played. It wasn't pretty. The Pats just have problems with
runners who can cut back at the line of scrimmage. I just see a long
day for our defense and them eventually wearing out in the 4th quarter.
Final score Chargers 21, Pats 17.

1/5/07

pix were going to be all football this week and no jokes. That is,
until I saw Deval Patrick get sworn in as Govenor of the Commonwealth
this week. Things were going fine until I heard the sound of a needle
scratching a record upon catching my first glimpse of Diane
Patrick.........Deval's grandmother, I mean wife. Yeeeeikes, zoinks,
gadzooks and Holy hogs, batman. She looked like a cross between Esther
Sanford (Fred's sister) and Eugene Chung's mom. I'm putting the intern
scandal over under for Gov Patrick at one year. Which led the pix to
this question........which famous men have the worst looking wives
relative to their own looks and positions in sports and or politics.
The pix has some thoughts:

1. Bill Clinton. Low hanging fruit. I think Bill has actually tried
to do something about this.
2. George H.W. Bush. W may be an idiot, but at least he didn't marry
his grandmother.
3. Ray Bourque. Never seen her? Now you know why.
4. Tiger Woods. Caught you napping.

And whatever Deval's campaign song was, it was too painful to listen to
while watching the D man hug his grandmother/wife. But It did cause the
pix to think of the 5 worst songs ever written. *

1. "Ooh, ooh that smell". Lynrd Skynrd. Don't even want to know what
inspired this opus.
2. "Dust in the Wind". Kansas. Made only slightly more tolerable now
by Will Ferrell's rendition in Old School.
3. "Barracuda". Heart. I'd rather listen to kittens drowning.
4. "Maneater". Hall and Oates. These guys really need their own
column.
5. Anything by Livingston Taylor. The Pix.......

Patriots -9 vs Jets. Bitch slap. I would lay up to 14 points on this
one. 31-13 is how the pix sees it. Brady and Belichick, Bruschi,
Seymour.....are all taking this one personally. Might be tight in the
first quarter, but then it's Katy bar the door.

KC +7 vs Indy. I think the Colts win, but Chiefs cover. I almost want
the Colts to win so I can see Peyton wet his panties against the Ravens.
The Ravens subsequently getting gobs of man love from the pipemaker on
ESPN and then Brady facing Mcnair in AFC champ game. Then all the idiot
anouncers who picked the Ravens staring at eachother in disbelief
wondering how to back pedal out of all their sorry predictions. Moving
on...

Dallas +3 over Seattle. Maybe you've notice a trend this year. The pix
just doesn't think much of the Seahawks. Dallas wins outright and might
win big. By the way, Big Al got hammered on a cruise last year with
Freddy Garcia and Joel Pineiro (the Sox new closer) and their wives.
Pineiro said not only did he hate pitching at Fenway, Boston was his
least favorite city in the world. Suboptimal. Just sayin'. (Double
Collins shout out).

Philly -7 over Giants. Eli goes to join Lance Bass, Neil Patrick Harris
and Chad Pennington at their favorite offseason hangout.


Bonus Pix section. AP newswire now reporting country officially on
Breet watch. Infuriated by all the attention Nick Saban and Bill Cowher
are getting, Breet secretly vows to hold out for record setting
slurpage. Plans to call no fewer than 5 press conferences in the next
few months to say he still hasn't made up his mind yet and treat the
whole subject more seriously than the national debate on stem cell
research. Then......he......come's back. Peter King and Madden pass
out from euphoria.

Double bonus Pix section. Here is a list next years new head coaches.

Arizona. Ron Rivera. D coordinator of Bears.
Atlanta. I don't know, but someone black to make Vick and ATL happy.
Oakland. Snoop Dogg. Actually, Rob Ryan their D coordinator and son of
Buddy.
Pittsburgh. Ken Whisenhunt. Has same 'stache as Cowher.
Miami. TOTAL GUESS HERE. Bobby Petrino, HC Louisville.

By the way, did anyone else catch Wayne Huizenga asking the press for
suggestions, pro or con, about what to do next? That's like TC asking
Katherine Bruce what she thinks the lineup vs. Essex should be. I will
now go write Breet a fan letter. Have a good weekend, all.

*big Al contributed significantly to the top 5 worst song list*