Mailbag

Dr. Pix,

Apologies for the "reply to all" violation last week. I now understand that if I want to comment on the blog, I should use the COMMENTS section at the end of each of your posts rather than clutter up the mailboxes of the poor slobs unfortunate enough to follow you. Although I suppose if they "followed" you, you wouldn't need to send out a weekly email.

Signed,
Multiple violators (Marblehead, and a prison in upstate NY)

Dear Multiple,

Apology accepted. Indeed, there's no real good reason to send out the email other than the fact that when the Pix forgets, there are complaints. You would be surprised. If the comments section were used more often (or, um, at all) it would soon become clear that there are lots of people who read the Pix who are much funnier than yours truly. One can hope.

Dear Pix,

Ever since you have begun to use imagery on your blog, your writing has gotten worse. Your grammar and syntax are sub par, and it seems you have just become lazy. Plus, relying on pictures of boobs and using potty talk is beneath what used to be some half decent writing. Clean it up or go to your room.

Signed,
Anonymous (parts unknown)

Dear Mom,

Please. You don't think I know that's you? Put down the Bacardi and diet coke and step away from the keyboard. Plus, who helped you log on? Printing out the blog posts and correcting them with your red pen and a putting a "D+" on it was quite enough. And leaving said corrections in the mailbox is not exactly the height of stealth. I know what your car looks like.

Dear Pix,

Pretty big game this weekend. I'm coming in with my boy Randy and we are going to ruin your weekend. Despite the fact that the press thinks I have a bad ankle, you know I'm going to play. Did you see me hopping up and down on the field last Monday after I thought we had won the game? And then limping off the field and using a walker to get to the podium for my presser? That's right, I'm faking it once again and the media is eating it up. Cue the slurpitation and enabling by BSPN for the next few days while they show endless replays of my game with a broken thumb, my game after my dad died, my game after Deanna's diagnosis, etc, etc, etc. I am the greatest warrior/gunslinger who has ever lived. Eat it.

ps, what's your cell number? I have a picture of something for you....

Signed,
Breet (Kiln, Mississippi: Minneapolis, MN)

Dear Breet,

I am fully aware that the douche bag express is headed to Foxboro this Sunday. Is the Pix ready? Not remotely. The Pix hasn't been this nervous since the Red Sox sent booze bag Derek Lowe to the hill for game 7 of the 2004 ALCS. Fortunately, that turned out ok. The Pix probably should not be allowed anywhere near a television for this event. Hide the women and children. Close the doors, lock the windows. Keep the Pix away from all sharp objects. If Breet comes into our house and lays one on the Pats, no amount of deliciousness in the world will matter. On the other hand...................if it looks like the Pats will win (and end the elderly sexter's career)......then there will be no better place on earth than the NEST. The Pix will declare a national day of celebration and all forms of tomfoolery will be on the table. Stand by for standing by....

Dear Pix,

Want to party? And who do you like this weekend?

Signed,
Charlie Sheen. (jail)

Dear Charlie,

Where to start? First of all, the Pix has to give you some credit. Getting your ex-wife to babysit the kids while you smoke crack and snort Bolivian marching powder with your $12,000 hooker in the adjacent suite is bold and original. The birds think you are a riot. As for the NFL this weekend:

GB +6 at Jets. The Pix thinks there is a good chance the Pack win this game outright. Good karma from vanquishing the great fraud should carry over this week.
Plus, the Pix thinks the bye came at a bad time for the Jets. They had a lot of momentum that is hard to maintain when you are idle.

Vikings +5 at Pats. Doesn't this line look wrong? A crippled Breet or an incompetent Tavaris Jackson at a place where Brady hasn't lost a regular season game since 2007.........and the line is only 5? Vegas knows something, and that something, the Pix is afraid, is Percy Harvin.

Dear Pix,

Because you are the best husband and father in the world, I am going to hire a babysitter to hand out candy while I take the kids trick or treating. You work too hard and are too good to me for me to imagine you not in the Nest watching the Pats/Queens while enjoying moderate amounts or liquid intoxicant. Oh, and I am throwing in some servers that I have hired from "Hooters" to serve you boys wings. And I bought a "special" costume for you after the kids are asleep:


Dear official wife,

First of all, that's the wrong team. Second of all, what about the rest of the day? Games start at 1:00. Am I supposed to be "parenting" for the the crucial lead up time to Pats kickoff? You do realize how important my pre game analysis is, right? And Hooters girls? 1999 just called and wants those outfits back? What about the Asian birds who give pedicures at that little place near the college? Can you check and see if they are free? Also, tv # 2 in the nest seems to have a bad cable connection. I left the ladder down by the garage this am so you can get up on the roof to check it out. Sound good? Super, good talk.

XOXO,
Pix

Dear Pix,

The Pix has jumped the shark. It's all about http://fakejohnnymiller.wordpress.com

Signed,
Fakejohnnymiller

Dear FJM,

Indeed, the blog is very well done. And the birds participating in "Big Break Dominican Republic" are legit (except for that one she beast). However, checkthyselfbeforeyouwreckthyself. It comes down to golf vs the National FOOTBALL League. Ok? Super then, good talk. Thanking you thanking the Pix.

Dear Pix,

Am I the most insufferable sanctimonious hypocrite in the world?

Signed,
Tony Dungy

Dear Tony,

Yes, yes you are. (But take the Colts -5 BIG this weekend)
GFY,
The Pix

Lastly, in the words of John Stewart........here's your daily moment of Zen....


Happy Halloween,
Pix out

Keeneland

The Pix will be very abbreviated this week as The Pix is leaving Friday afternoon for what used to be a monthly occurrence and sadly is now an almost endangered species: a boys weekend. The Pix flys to Cincinnati for dinner at the Montgomery inn "Boathouse" where multiple platters of pork ribs will be consumed accompanied by an adult beverage or three while hopefully watching the Rangers eliminate the frauds from the bronx. Pleasing, pleasing and triple pleasing.
Then it is off to the Mecca of horse racing.....



Keeneland in Lexington, KY. Riding shotgun with the Pix will be Curtis "touchdown" Ott and Robert C. Moore, aka, the man who Vegas fears. After a couple seven Jim Beam and cokes, it will be off to UK vs Georgia.....






Naturally, the Pix will be back in the nest in plenty of time for the Pats 4:15 kickoff against the Chargers.

The internets were a little slow this week. The NFL and the media continue to protect Breet, despite stating two weeks ago that they would immediately be launching an investigation. RRRight..................if by investigation you mean waiting two weeks to simply call him and ask the elderly sexter if, in fact, the pictures of Breet's meat and two veg were sent to Jen Sterger...yes or no? YES???? or NO???? Breet's non denials in addition to Deanna Favre's non denial today on Good Morning America would seem to be fairly obvious. But Fraudger Goodell is too busy fining players for playing football. This cover up is going to be more mismanaged than Sarah Palin's fake pregnancy. Oops. Stand by for standing by.....
One last Breet comment:


......thanking one Jeff Forbes.

It seems NPR is finding themselves in a bit of a political correctness pickle. After firing news analyst Juan Williams for admitting he got nervous on planes when he saw folks decked out in the latest muslim garb, the station is taking some heat. Honestly, when the Pix sees this:


boarding a plane..........the palms start to get a little moist. When the pix sees these guys demanding their boarding passes.......


Um, yes, nervousness ensues. The Pix would simply like to hook up a heart monitor to the suits at NPR and have them take a transatlantic flight with some of the players above and let us watch the ekg burst into flames. If it is in fact true that the suits at NPR had been looking for an excuse to fire Williams, fine. But it seems to the Pix that what Juan Williams said is what every American feels. None of us go to the airport and not think about 9/11. It usually hits the Pix when I am standing in a 45 minute security line while trying to take off my belt and shoes and pull out my plastic baggie of 3 0z toiletries while wondering why Faisal Al Bombeeb is sailing through the line with his prayer rug and box cutter. Sorry, NPR.....the Pix gets nervous too.

Moving along to football, the Pix would like to file a missing persons alert for this young man......


He was last seen running off center vs Salem on 31 out of 40 offensive snaps. Through the same hole. Message to the coaching staff at MHS.....your offensive game plan is less complex than anything the Pix has seen in many many years of watching football. In Greek mythology, the character Sisyphus is ordered to roll a huge rock up a steep hill, only to have the rock roll over just before it reached the top. Sisyphus then repeated this (by Zeuss' comand) for eternity. The PIx isn't sure who has it worse, #20 or Sisyphus. What makes matters more frustrating is that there is a wealth of talent on this team. The Pix acknowledges that coaching is easy from the sideline, but it sure seems that a lot of good kids who have worked very hard are not being put in a position to succeed. More on this team in the coming weeks.....

Uh, oh......stain alert!.....


What would Pix 2010 be without an update from the campaign trail featuring the anti-masturbation witch and self proclaimed constitutional scholar? During this week's televised debate between Ms. Odonnell and Chris Coons, the AMW asked her opponent where in the constitution does it say anything about the separation of church and state. You know what? The Pix isn't even going to comment. Let' just move on.......and it was nice knowing you, Christine. The Pix prays that we haven't seen the last of you. You are comic gold.

Finally, a little football. The Pix suffered multiple heart attacks and strokes watching the Patriots last weekend. True story: the official wife was circling the neighborhood in the family shaggin wagon texting the Amesicle if it was safe for her to return home. Not sure if that says more about the fragile nature of domestic life or is a depressing and frightful insight into what it is like to co-habitate with the Pix......did I say that out loud? Ummm, never mind. Seems like a good time for a boys weekend.

The Pix went 8-3-2 against the spread last week and is feeling lucky. In anticipation of cashing in at Keeneland tomorrow, the Pix will narrow the field of NFL games to wager (for entertainment purposes only) on.

Kentucky +4 vs. Georgia. Cats wont't lose with Pix in the house.

Pitt -3 at Miami. Shockingly, James Harrison decided to come back for his 50 million dollars rather than follow through on his threat to retire due to the new anti-decapitation rules the NFL is implementing. This is the same jackass who got cut by his first two nfl camps and then overnight turned into a raging beast and perennial all pro. Note to NFL: your drug testing policy has less teeth than grandma Walton post stroke (for you All Marblehead). Can we please get James to pee in a cup? Seriously??

Ravens -13 over Bills. I mean......the Bills? How hopeless can an organization be for so long? Final score: Baltimore 31, Buffalo 3.

Arizona +6 over Seattle. Just a hunch, but Larry Fitz is due to go off. And the Seahawks rarely show up two weeks in a row.

NE +3 over SD. Pix told you to go big on Pats last week. Brady and the GURU bailed out Pix and rallied for the push. No push this week. Pats big. Pix loves how the defense is coming together. Jemaine Cunningham (we are not relations) is emerging as the new Willie McGinest and Chung plays saftey like no other Asian the Pix has ever seen.

GB -2 over Viqueens. This game feels like a massive Karma bomb. Huge potential for irony, coincidence, fortuitousness and intergalactic justice. The Pix says Moss drops a big pass and Breet is struck by lightning. Literally. The Pix will then delete the blog, as there will never be anything to opine about again. One can only hope.

Pix out.....

Location:Mugford St,Marblehead,United States

Prostate cancer awareness

For the last few weeks, the innocent eyeballs of NFL fans have been subjected to a dazzling yet ridiculous array of PINK plastered over every inch of football scenery. This is not a new concept. Two years ago (I think) Major League Baseball had it's first breast cancer awareness day and teams all around the majors wore pink hats, swung pink bats, and began the deplorable trend of disguising just another marketing ploy under the guise of a worthy cause. It seemed blasphemous then.......now it is downright gross. Naturally, the NBA picked it up......then the NFL for one week last year.......and now this, the entire month of October. Forgive the Pix for barfing. And before the birds reading this go apeshit and think the Pix is disrespecting breast cancer awareness month........take a midol. The Pix loves breast cancer awareness. The Pix loves breasts, period. Sweater kittens, cans....big fan, the Pix. It's just that this latest bandwagon jumping of the NFL is so frigging transparent. Here's the deal.....go to nflproshop.com and see what the big sellers are this month. That's right, pink stuff. Lots of it. Every possible combination of shirt/short/pin/ribbon/ball/hat whatever is pink. It's pinkapalooza and the Pix has had enough. That's why the Pix has called his good friend, prostate cancer awareness (pac) to get his take on this phenomenon.

Pix: PCA, what's up?
PCA: Not much. Just sitting here in obscurity feeling pretty bummed.
Pix: That pink thing got you down?
PCA: Totally. How come nobody ever mentions me? I affect 1 in every 6 men in America by the time they hit 70. That's vs. 1 in 8 women affected by breast cancer. Why no love for the prostate?
Pix: Not sure, but....
PCA: I'll tell you why. Because I look like this.....


instead of these.......


Tough compeTITon, no?

Pix: I feel ya, prostate, but breast cancer awareness is very important and really not something to joke about.
PCA: I know, it's just that one would think that of all the types of cancer out there, I'd be the one to get the attention of the professional sports organizations. But it's all about marketing, isn't it. I mean, look at this......


and this......


and these.....


I mean, what do pink Tennessee Titan Christmas tree ornaments have to do with football, or Christmas, or the Titans for that matter? Money. That is it, and that is all. Guess what percentage of BCA merchandise sales are going to breast cancer research? None as far as I can tell. The NFL web site says nothing about it. It's all a ploy to get birds to buy NFL gear and pretend to look socially engaged at the same time. Breet should be running this scam. Meanwhile, I'm trying to market this...


Pix: Ouch.
PCA: And do you think the WNBA returns my calls? How about some baby blue ribbons on their uniforms? And forgive my insensitivity, but you know what happens post mastectomy? These:


That's right. State of the art silicone jumblees that don's sag or look like a shriveled leather handbag after several years. Dudes aren't that lucky. They get this:


a bottle of Viagra and a penis pump. Pretty unfair deal, I'd say. Look, it's not that hard to get men to think about chesticlie. It starts pretty early:



And they don't make it any easier on us as time goes on.......



Meanwhile, my marketing campaign consisted of Andy Sipowiz getting a couple of shows worth of attention on NYPD Blue back in the day:


How's that working out for me?

Pix: Ok, prostate cancer awareness, I get it. It's tough out there. What can a humble Pix do for you and for the cause?

PCA: How about a little idea for a marketing campaign?

Pix: Done, here's what we'll do. We'll get Roger Goodell, David Stern and Bud Selig on the horn. We trade April and May combined to breast cancer awareness and we get October back. The birds will like it because they like flowers and warm weather and shit. Let baseball players wear pink because nobody watches baseball in the spring anyway. We call October Cocktober and get the NFL to donate a portion of merchandise sales to prostate cancer awareness because men are the only gender who buys there stuff in the first place. I mean, the only people wearing the pink gear this fall are the coaches, players and refs. Totally gay.....

PCA: Hmmm....that's good start. How about beating .500 for the first time with your "pix" this season?

Pix: No promises, but

Rams +8 over Sd
Houston -4 over KC
Saints -4 at Bucs
ATL +3 at Philly
Det -10 vs Giants
Mia +whatever at GB (game off board for now due to Rodger's grape)
Pitt -13 over Cleve
Denver +3 over Jets
SF -7 over Oak
Dallas +2 over the "elderly sexter" (courtesy J. Tedford)
Indy -3 over Wash
Ten -3 over Jax
Patriots -3 over Ravens. Really. Bet it. Big.

PCA: Thanks, Pix. And a big shout out to my good friend breast cancer awareness. Love the girls......


......hate the disingenuous marketing.

Pix: Roger that prostate cancer awareness.......best of luck.

Pix out....(and dodging lightning bolts)

Location:Market Square,Marblehead,United States

Shooting you in the Ass

So, apologies for taking the week off. As most readers of the Pix know, Pats bye equals Pix bye.........so Pix just took it a week early while administering a USA Ryder cup beat down over a couple of Canadian hosers out in the 413. It's ok if you don't get it......fake Johnny Miller does. Let's get to the elephant in the room right away......the guru dealing Randy Moss to Breetdom. Forget, for a moment, that the Patriots will now compete for the rest of the season without their second best offensive player. What makes the trade so hard to swallow is that Breet apparently whined to management that he was going to take his ball and go home if the Vikings didn't buy him a new shiny toy with corn rows. Predictably, the Viqueens relented and gave Breet 10 million more dollars and Randy Moss. God help Viqueen fans. The Pix hasn't seen a deal with the devil this bad since the Charlie Daniel's band assaulted our ear drums in the early eighties.

UH.......Oh..........what's this?.......




Why........it looks like a sordid little love triangle involving One, Breet, Favre.....

Oh yes. The Pix can now reveal that today on Deadspin.com, pictures or the ol' gunslinger's junk and voice messages to Florida St. SLUT Jen Sterger will be unleashed upon a suspecting public (yes, I meant to say it that way). Apparently, the same week Mrs. Breet published her book documenting her struggle with breast cancer, Breet was sexting young Ms. Sterger (then Jets sideline correspondent) with images of Breet trying to make his clown cry. The dude in the middle is just some Jets PR flunkie who arranged the connection. Tiger, President Clinton, Mr. Spitzer..............meet Breet. Delightful, delicious, delovely....Here's how the Pix envisioned Breet's day yesterday:

Teamate: Brettt, we got Moss!

Breet: Awesome!!!!

Teamate: Uhhhhh, Breet, tomorrow there will be audio and visual evidence of you in a state of supreme douchebaggery the same week your cancer surviving wife published her book.

Breet: Hmmmmm. Could be bad.......no, the media will protect me as usual. Let's get some wings.

Get thysleves to Deadspin and revel in the hypocrisy, courtesy of the Pix......


Baltimore -7 over Donkeys
Jax pk over Buff
KC +7 over Indy

In other news..............this happened...........



A Florida man by the name Kenneth Bonds was in an altercation with some youths who were displaying their sartorial stylings by wearing their pants like the above photo. The Pix has mentioned before the sheer idiocy of this style and the fact that it originated in prisons as a way to announce one's willingness to participate in, um, prison "relations". Nevertheless, this style of buffoonery persists. Said youths disrespected Mr. Bonds and he proceeded to SHOOT one in the keister. Well played, Mr. Bonds, well played......

In other internets chicanery, this happened.......


All the Colts got the gay.......can't say the Pix didn't see this one coming.

and this......


Irmgad Holm of Phoenix, AZ had a tough morning this week. It seems Irmbird was reaching for the Visene when she accidentally grabbed the super glue and blinded herself (she's okay now). Look, the Pix doesn't want to pick on old birds (other than Breet), but leaving the crazy glue next to the saline solution and contacts is wacky even for an avian octogenarian. What would happen if some old geezer mistook his breath mints for his Viagra...........? Bad breath and a 5 hour erection, that's what. And that's not good for anyone. Especially............


Oh, no. Heavens to Mergetroide. It's the wacky witch of the east. The PIx has no idea if anyone out there caught poor Christine's t.v. add for her candidacy. But, well, her opening line is, "I am not a witch". Remember, she is running for the fucking senate of the fucking country. And Sarah Palin thinks this is a good idea. Sorry...............hyperventilating....................and........I'm good. Whew, thanking you.

Rams +3 @Det
Atl -3 over the Cleve
Cinci -6 over Bucs
Bears +1 over Panthers
GB -2 over Skins
NYG +3 @Houston

BTW, Pix is .500 this year, wicked sorry.......

So....................Sesame St. is launching in Nigeria this week with 2 muppets. And one has AIDS. And that wasn't a joke..............


That's "Kami" on the left. She is HIV positive. According to the network, "she has golden hair and a zest for adventure". I guess......

On the right is "Kobi". Kobi, "is involved in a series of troublesome escapades that help others learn from his mistakes". Like what? Not gloving up when shagging the nearest HIV positive golden puppet???? Look, the Pix isn't in charge of children's programming as far as you know, but this seems like a.....bad.......idea....just sayin'....

Here are a few other muppet ideas for Nigeria, courtesy of the Pix......


....."Turdburglar".........otherwise known as the rapist. "The Turdburglar follows single drunk women into rest rooms and rapes them while his bodyguard blocks the door.........and he makes 13 million dollars a year".


..."Ladudian Tampon". "Ladudian likes to pretend that he's a disrespected underdog despite the fact that he has been the recipient of more Peter King slurpitaton than anyone west of you know who. Even a bigger stain now that he is a jet."




...."The real Cookie monster"....

And the Pix' favorite, and I'll give you the description first, "This Jet quarterback likes to bottom and has been known to give defense secrets to the Taliban. Probably responsible for 9-11".


aka....


And........we're through with the Muppets.

NO -7 @AZ
SD -6 @ Oak
Tenn +7 over Dallas
Phily +3 @SFn
Viqueens +4 @ Jets


Pop quiz...........

Byron Scott, coach of Ledouche's former team is........

1. A former Laker poseur
2. One of the worst coaches in NBA history
3. Someone who decided to wear a NAZI tie to media day this week.



If you answered all of the above.............you would be correct. Seriously, though.....and the Pix doesn't really care about Byron Scott, but who designed this tie? Who decided to sell it? Who would buy a tie with swastikas all over it. And are there no PR folks who work for the Cavs? How does something like this happen? The Pix just doesn't get it.

Wait.........the Pix just can't help it.......


BAM! (Pix giggling).

Thanking you, Breet....

Enjoy the weekend everyone,
Pix out