Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Magician Football

Once again it is the time of year for the Pix to write the now annual homage to the Marblehead High School Football team. Last year the team was fresh off a thrilling last minute victory over the hated little blue of Swampscott, an upset over Rockland and on their way to the "Razor" in Foxboro to take on Bishop Feehan High. Although the Headers came incredibly close to winning the Super Bowl, the team fell just short.......and there was great anticipation in the off season of a possible repeat magical year.

Indeed, as a result of the 2009 success, more kids than ever came out for the varsity program hoping to be a part of the kind of buzz generated by that 2009 team. In one sense, to some, it would be inaccurate to say that the 2010 squad didn't fall short of expectations. After all, the expectations are always high after winning and there is always a sense of unfinished business when the championship game is lost. That is the burden that the 2010 team began the season with and maybe still carries into their Thanksgiving game this year in North Lynn, er, Swampscott.

But is that fair? The Pix thinks not. First of all, the 2010 seniors had as many impact players as juniors last year as the '09 seniors. And we'll get to them in a moment. In addition, with a victory this Thursday at Poseur Field (what, that's not what it's called?) Marblehead will finish the season with exactly the same conference record as the Super Bowl team. So when one looks at this squad through a two year prism, their accomplishments are better put into perspective. Simply put, this is the best two year run the town has had in many years........and quite possibly ever.








Marblehead football is on the map again, and before the Pix gets to some individual shout outs, let's acknowledge some of the folks who are responsible (other than the players, of course) for this phenomenon.

Let's star with Bill Richardson, who has to be considered Godfather of the current crop of players. Let's take a brief trip back to the mid 1970's. There were 12 youth football teams at the time and we all played intra town games. That means at any given time, there were 12 kids playing quarterback and 36 to 46 kids getting to practice at running back. Then the black plague of Soccer came along and the youth football program went the way of Milli Vanilli. The Pix doesn't remember exactly for how long, but football as a youth sport in this town went away.......and for some time. The Pix vaguely remembers people like Frank Irons and Chris McGrath coaching youth teams..........holding things together with dental floss and mirrors.....but it wasn't until Bill Richardson and people like Bruce Bial and Todd Norman got involved that youth football a became relevant again in this town. Skip ahead to last Thursday at Piper field when the Superbowl 6th and 8th grade kids got introduced at halftime (congratulations to both teams who won their respective championships the next Saturday) and consider how far the program has come. Marblehead youth football coaches used to be on the endangered species list, and now you can't walk down Atlantic avenue without bumping into a dad proudly wearing the colors of the program. The next time you see these guys, or the James brothers, or Chip Percy, or Pie Morris, you may want to congratulate them on such a great rebuilding job. And that is just one reason why........

The 2010 team walks into Swampscott this year with a little swagger. On November 12th, these kids played by far the best game they have played all year. QB Danny Colbert opened the offense with a 55 yard pass to #20 Will Quigley and the tone was set for the rest of the night. If The Magicians play this Thursday like they did against Winthrop.........the little blue loses.

Swampscott always has a high powered offense and excellent coaching. But the Pix thinks the Marblehead "D" matches up extremely well. Starting with the three headed beast on the line. #78 Ben Koopman, #77 Liam Gilliland and #70 Nick Broughton bring more beef and experience to the front than we have seen in a long time. Gilliland, in particular, has been an absolute animal this year. If Swampscott doubles any of these guys (and every team doubles Koop), look for Nick and hybrid rusher #11 Matt Perlow (off to Bowdoin next fall.....congratulations, Matt) to make some big plays in the backfield. If the pressure the Pix expects gets applied, Quigley and #2 Ryan Stanojev (or as Scott Zolak says, "Stoyanojiv") are going to be taking multiple passes in the wrong direction. And when Swampscott tries to then go to the ground (not their strength), they will be met by the most improved group on the Marblehead side......their young and rapidly maturing linebackers.

Led by senior #42 Josh Freedland, the linebacking corps has been lighting people up as the season has progressed. #52, Oliver Tuna Gregory has been his usual outstanding self, but it is the play of #55 Tyler Bates and #54 Joel Katz recently that has the Pix looking forward to some Matt Evans like hits this Thursday. And Freedland, playing with a cast on his hand for much of the season, reads offenses as well as anyone in the conference.









On offense, #20 Quigley has been all world this year. The Pix has no idea what the statistics are, but the guess here is that Will has averaged over 200 yards per game total offense (including special teams). He never goes down after the first hit, protects the rock and can take it to the house from anywhere. The aforementioned #4 is peaking at the right time, too. Danny throws the flag pattern perfectly, and can dish it to Perlow, #9 Colton Dana, or Stano. Speaking of Ryno, #2 has done just about anything a coach can draw up in one season. Running back kickoffs for touchdowns, coming in at quarterback to run the wildcat.........chasing down opponents to stop a big play.....the kid has just been everywhere.

Another big addition to the team has been the return to football of #21, Oliver Kim. Ollie has a division one college leg (The Pix thinks he could kick a 45 yard field goal) and has also subbed in beautifully at running back and linebacker. Not to mention that Marblehead opponents have had horrible field position to start most games thanks to Oliver's blasts.

As the Pix wrote last year before the Super Bowl game, for this year's seniors, this may be the last time they buckle the chin straps and throw on the pads. Kids like Koop, Broughton, Gilliland, Danny, Stano, Hunter and Alex Whitmore, The Duse, Asainte, Justin Burnett, Leclair......these guys have been playing together for a long time. And on Thanksgiving, it will be the last time they play together. For the parents of these kids, this will also be a special day. As Kenny Chesney wrote,

"They didn't just let anybody in that club
It took every ounce of heart and sweat and blood
To get to wear those game-day jerseys down the hall
The kings of school, man, we're the boys of fall".

No offense intended, but Kenny isn't singing about the glee club. Football is America's game. Thanksgiving the highest American holiday. And our boys of fall take to the gridiron one last time this Thursday. To the coaches, the parents, the students in the stands...........to everyone who wears the Red and Black.......the Pix says Happy Thanksgiving.

To Danny, Josh, Matt, Nick, Will, Ryan, Liam, Oliver......to all of you......

Make sure you look around you before the game and take it in. We are all there for you. All the weights you lifted, all the sprints you ran, all the plays you memorized. This is your reward. The Thanksgiving day game. Every proud parent, every proud former coach, all your friends, neighbors and kids wearing their youth jerseys...........are there for you. Look around. You did this. Be very, very proud of yourselves.

And go kick a little ass if you feel like it.

Go Marblehead.

Happy Thanksgiving 11/25/10.






Thursday, November 11, 2010

To Bristol or not to Bristol........that is the question.

So...........let's not talk about football this week. After watching the Magicians lose to a tough Beverly team Saturday, the Pats take the pipe against the Browns and manorexic Mangini, watching the Cardinals hand Breet a "comeback" and the Jets also pull one out of their asses............last weekend blew donkeys. Although you did notice the Pix going 4-1 against the spread, right? Because due to the 7 week losing streak is on in fantasy football, the Pix is about to start following ladies bowling.

Lately, however, trivial matters such as football and gambling have not been at the forefront of the Pix' consciousness. The Pix has been pondering some of the more existential and esoteric matters of man. Unsolved mysteries such as Stonehenge, the Bermuda triangle, the Kennedy assassination are child's play. Does homo sapiens posses a moral gene, or does man need morality foisted upon him by an outside source such as organized religion? Again.............not a biggie. Global warming? Is QE2 a stop gap by the fed or will it reflate assets to a manageable level going forward? Peace in the middle east? The Pix is quite sure our leaders can figure this all out. What really keeps the Pix up at night staring at the ceiling in complete and hopeless bewilderment is simply this: Is Bristol Palin hot?????

Seriously. Is she hot? How hot? The Pix is completely befuddled. A massive international study should be launched immediately and simultaneously at the major Universities in the developed world. And the Pix is here to begin the discussion. Let's start with the early evidence:



Kinda cute, right? Great smile. Decent enough epidermis. Reasonable coif.



Same deal here. A fine specimen of femininity. Aside from some very hard to see nostril air bags (the things some people get on the outside of the nose as it meets the cheek when they smile), the Pix is going with full on hottie here. Bring it on, Bristol. Your mom may be a deluded poorly educated fraud, but the Pix would jump you in a heart beat.

But wait..........



Hold on just one big fat second here. What is this? Who is this bird? Could she be the same person? The Pix is unaware of any medical conditions that make your beak grow out and to the side once you are an adult. And does fake tanner really add ten pounds? Because if it does, that sound you just heard was thousands of birds rifling through their medicine cabinets to ditch the orange paint. Moving on......



Hot Bristol again. Glamming it up in her skinny jeans and making Hayden Pantierre look like a grumpy Anna Kournikova (not that that's a bad thing). Ok...we're safe, right?



Doh! What the? Who the? Other than the aforementioned nostril bags, the Pix is unsure that the team from CSI could say for sure if this is indeed the same dame. And stand by for standing by.....



Oh, no! It looks like the hostess P.F. Chang's has escaped and she has knocked over a Laura Ashley store! Heavens to mergatroid. And,um, it's time the Pix brings up an unfortunate topic, but in an international mystery the likes of Brisol Palin's hotness, no stone can be left unturned. It's time we mention the unmentionable. The reason the girdle was invented. The reason "Spanx" are flying off the shelves faster than cans of deliciousness in the nest. Ladies and gentlemen......the F.U.P.A. (fatty upper pubic area). Pix isn't being a hater. Just saying' that my girl here a case of PFR. Premature FUPA Rockage. Ok, back to better times:



Woo hoo! That's what the Pix is talking about! Hello leopard print and your friends! And look at the expression on young Ms. Palin's grill. That's a sassy lassie. That's a look that says, "I got it going on". Unfortunately, this next look says:



"I'm Rachel Ray's body double in the upcoming movie, 'The Pear' ". Not good times. And....



"Bristol, we have Lawrence Welk on line two. He's hoping you and your sexually confused dancing partner would like to hire out on the next Carribean Cruise ship called the "Floating Fossil".

Do you see how confusing this is???? This bird has more looks than Oregon Ducks football squad. And what to make of this..........?



How did Bristol suddenly turn into a cross between Kelly Ripa and Gene Simmons?

Quick side bar.........



Pix says, "Bottom row? Yes, Yes, hell no, yes, no and of course. You know what the Pix is talking about. (Left to right you jack wagons)

Let's get to some rapid fire shots and see if it helps........












Ok, got it. Hot. Not scorching. Not white hot, but certainly and unequivocally and consistently doable. (Snuck that one by the censors) What's that? No on reads the Pix? I have no censors? Um, never mind.

Let's all just agree that Bristol is hot, ok?















DAMMIT, Bristol! The Pix needs closure on this. On the one hand, there is definitely some quality bone structure and nobody can say that she needs to visit the orthodontist. On the other hand......



The retarded hillbilly on the left could have put a ring on it and assured himself of 30 years of reality tv contracts. Instead he has decided to go back to Wasilla, get his G.E.D. and run for mayor. This should tell us something, no?

Ultimately, it all comes back to the National Football League. Bristol is the Houston Texans. No matter what year it is, she'll always find a way to go 8-8. And she should put the red outfits away. Just saying. Final final on BP....



Pretty much says it all, right? This photo is from DWTS this week. That, right there, is the face of 8-8. And a final lesson for the birds (because the Pix cares), Makeup is not always your friend.

Small break in for some football. This weeks public service message is to not gamble this week. The lines are murder. Having said that, the Pix will go for the 4 underdogs playing at home.

Denver +1 vs KC
Mia +2 vs Tenn
Cleveland +3 vs Jets
Chi +1 vs Queens.

For those of you who have needed a bathroom break to get through lengthy Pix this week, know that the Pix will be in L.A. next week selling his movie (it's a homemade sex tape) and will not be posting. In the meantime, thanks to some positive reader feedback (particularly from author Deirdre Shaw Gibson, author of "Love or Something Like It) it's time for another installment of quotes from Mike Shemaleshevski......



"The Pix just made me google "shemales!" "I didn't know those things existed!" I kind of find them intriguing!" "Why did the network cancel 'Knight Rider 2" so early!" "Someone put chocolate in my peanut butter!" "I don't want to go to bed right now!" "You said 5 more minutes!" "Yo Gaba Gaba isn't over yet!" "I should never have written those covered calls on Apple!" "Willow is hotter than Bristol, but I can't say that because she is a minor!" "But look!"



"She's hotter!"



"I'm not done with you yet!" "Who put this thing on my face!" "Don't tell anyone, but whenever I stumble upon 'You've Got Mail', I never change the channel!" "Even though that story is so dated right now, you know, because of the whole texting thing!"



"Watch me show you my sexy moves!" "This is me, um, you know!"



"I will hunt down the Pix and destroy him!" "Why isn't American Express running my ads anymore!" "You should never use tomato based products in cast iron skillets!" "It ruins the seasoning!" "When do you think the Pix will get tired of writing this post?"

Right about now, coach. Thanks for the good times.

Thanks for reading the Pix. Back in a few weeks.

Pix out.

Location:Parts unknown

Friday, November 5, 2010

Delicious deliciousness

So, um, that was fun.

Pats beat Vikings? Check
Breet carried off field with busted melon? Roger that.
Randy being Randy and blowing the Pats and Guru? Oui.

How delicious. How delightful. How tremendous.

Shockingly, I have some thoughts on Breet. Like, for example, if he had a "laceration that required 8-10 stitches on his chin..............why was there no blood?



I mean, he's wearing a WHITE SHIRT.....and WHITE WRISTBANDS.



And that's a WHITE TOWEL.



Where's the blood? It's not just bloodlust on the part of the Pix (well, maybe just a little). It's just that even when Breet gets his ass kicked there is something not quite right about it.



The Pix has had stitches in the chin twice. Both times there was enough blood to destroy all the clothes being worn and enough left over to transfuse Vince Wilfork. Somehow, though, Breet doesn't bleed. He just goes nigh nights in the cart....



Of greater concern to the Viqueen's coaching staff, one might think, would be Breet re-injuring his ankle leaping to the podium to remind us all what a tough guy he is after the game. Somehow Breet got stitched up and made his way to the microphone faster than Randy could even get off the field. Oh, and speaking of my new favorite Tennessee Titan.....


These guys might want a refund. (BTW, is that Jonah Hill on the far left?). Way to spend 200 bucks on a Moss jersey you could only wear for 4 weeks. It made the Pix think of this....


Speaking of dumbasses, HELLO Brad Childress. Great job giving up a 3rd round draft choice for a human tumor, pay said tumor 400k per week for four weeks, lose 3 out of 4 games and then waive the tumor without any compensation. What, you don't think someone would have at least offered a 6-7 round pick? Jeff Fisher almost broke his legs running to phone to claim Moss. Brad Childress.....DUMBASS!

But you know who is to blame here, right? Of course it's Breet. Try following the Pix' logic. We all know that Breet whined and cried for his binky Moss to come to the Viqueens because Sidney Rice is not walking through that door. But instead of the move improving the offense, the pantsless dongslinger goes Sarah Palin rougue and starts throwing picks like a blind and crippled Trent Dilfer. But Childress is too big a pussy to get mad at Breet. So he decides to castrate himself.
If he had any stones to begin with, he would have benched Breet and started Tavarious Jackson. But Breet is the real coach of the Vikings. These two clowns deserve each other so much that the Pix has built the two of them a special meeting room for all their "shitty" decisions.....



Go have another meeting, guys. Maybe next time you can trade us your second rounder for Tony Eason.

Wheeeew, that felt good.

As for another violation that occurred last weekend, it seems the Pix' official mother has learned how to use email. Hmmmmm. The Pix does not want to do cyber battle with the grande bird....



.....but let's remember what happened to Mr. Sano and Claude the piano teacher Hasbrook when they tangled with the Pix back in '77. Not good times.....just saying'.

Let's wager.....

Saints -6 vs Panthers.
Chargers -3 at Texans.
Lions +4 over Jeets. Sweet offense last week by the Jeets. And way to give the punter discretion to fake a punt on 4th and 19 from your own 30. DUMBASS.
Cards +8 over Chilly and Breet and their double toilets.
Patriots -4.5 over Mangina and the Browns.

While the Pix will be relieved and delighted the day that Breet no longer plays in the NFL, the Pix has to admit that there will be something not quite right in the world. Who will become the next object of the Pix' disaffections? In a segment the Pix would like to introduce this week, let's look at some potential replacements for the 'ol crapslinger: Here's someone the Pix can't stand........



Coach K. Mike Shisshevski. Or as the idiot Polack spells it, Kryzewski. This self important human stain is just begging for a bitch slap from the Pix. His expression here says it all........"I am more bunged up than a high school girl trying not to fart in front of her new boyfriend's parents". Here's another angle....



"I am coach "K"! World's #1 ass hole! Hear me roar and know this.......you CAN NOT call a foul on my virtuous, sainted basketball team! I am a life coach! I'll have the #1 with fries! To go!"

And......



"Hi there. I'm coach "K". I'm 60 something years old but have no grey hairs. Would you like to kick me in the balls? Would you like to punch my smug face?"

Yes, coach. Yes, I would.




"I am the mighty coach "K". I will strangle the Pix. I will not rest until every preseason college basketball periodical has Duke #1! I don not like green eggs and ham! My underwear is way too tight! I hate that I resemble a rat desperate for a crumb! I am a life coach! I hate that Rick Pitino can bang strange in a closed up Italian restaurant and then have his assistant marry the crazy bird and get away with it! I scream louder than Sam Kinison on PCP! Argh, ARGHHHH!



Wow, random Sam Kinison reference there, no??

Ok, let's end the Pix there for the week.

Enjoy the weekend. Time for #20 to go for about 230 against the Panthers Saturday.



Pix out.