The dog whisperer getting sentenced, the Mitchell report, the Fed's rate
cut, the Jets coming for their sentencing....all big stories this week
to be sure. All, however, pale in comparrison to the earth shattering
news broken on the Drudge report yesterday, "Liza Minnelli collapses on
stage in Sweden". Liza Minnelli??!! What the...??!! Who pays money to
see Liza Minnelli!? What the hell is going on over there in Sweden?
Last time the Pix checked, there are Swedish babes in Sweden. What's
worse, apparently the fans started rioting upon hearing the show had
been cancelled. The Pix likes his Krone as much as the next guy, but
let it go Sweden. I'm sure you can get a credit for the next ABBA show.
Liza Minnelli's face is a modern art experiment gone bad. She looks
like a hammerhead on crack. She put the cube in cubism. Picasso and
Duchamp would have stopped painting had they seen Liza and said, "wait,
that's it, that's what we were going for!" Liza's face is the reason
Judy Garland did drugs. I know that Judy was Liza's mom, but how does a
woman who looked like Judy Garland spawn such a piglet? She looks more
like the lovechild of Tammy Faye Baker and Edward James Olmos (look him
up...ok, welcome back). And her voice sounds like Fran Drescher being
caught in a beaver trap. Forced between having relations between Liza
Minelli and the dude who played her dad in "Arthur", I'd choose....well,
Liza, but it's closer than it should be. I know it's dark for like 22
hours a day in Sweden this time of year, but there has to be a better
answer than that heinous battleaxe. Please, Sweden, for the love of God
and all that is holy, get ahold of yourselves. The Pix.........

New Pix policy for this time of year (since I know no one reads actual
football picks anyways), only relevant games warrant commentary.

Cinmates -8 over SF. Game matters due to niners draft pick belonging to
Pats. Mike Nolan's team is more dysfunctional than EYC council. Or for
the out of town folks, the Lohans.

TB -14 over ATL. Not for nothing, but if I'm Arthur Blank (owner of
Falcons and largest shareholder of Home Depot), I spring for the Jerry
Jones plastic surgery. Police up that beak Arthur. Carl Malden thinks
your nose is too big. (I know he's dead but Jimmy Durante is more
dead).

Cleve -5 over Buffalo. Another juicy story from this week was that
Michael Flatley, "Lord of the Dance", won his rape case vs the stripper
who got impregnated by Brian Urlacher. Then he counter sued and won 5
million in damages. Aside from the fact that this makes him "Lord of
the Countersuit" just as much as the dance, how does one become "Lord"
of anything? I think it's a self nickname thing. I would heretofore
like to be called , "The Pix: Lord of Deliciousness".

GB -8 over Rams. Pix currently looking for any genealogical connections
between Breet and Liza Minnelli. So far can only link her up to Gerard
Depardieux, Paula Poundstone and Methusela.

Jax +4 over Turd. Thanks to the weather, the burglar won't be getting
kicked in the scrotalia this weekend by the Pix and the Player. He
will, however, get his ovaries smashed in by the Jaguar d line.

Det +12 over Ladudian Tampon and the Phillip Rivers eunuch choir. Was
looking for Shawn Merriman's name in the Mitchell report. I guess this
is as good a time as any to bring up Clemens and Roids/HGH. Hold on,
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhhahahahhahahah........uhuhuuhuhuuhahahahaha
hahhahahahhaha. Ok, that felt good. Did he really think no one was
going to notice? Then again, this is the same man who said he chose
Toronto over Boston so he could spend more time with his family (in
Texas). What a stain. What a fraud. What an ignorant, arrogant piece
of garbage (Translation, typical Yankee, sorry Gal). His lawyer's
response last night was even more pathetic. Stating that there is no
evidence Dodger ever used steroids. Um, there's no evidence I've ever
had a can of deliciousness in my life either, but I'm pretty sure people
know I did. At least Petitte's attorney was smart enough to tell his
client just to keep his mouth shut. Oh, yeah, that's because he's still
playing. Will be interesting to see how he pitches this year off the
juice. No wonder he so strongly considered retiring. Let's just add
the Yankees up for a moment. Giambi, Sheffield, Stanton, Petitte,
Clemens.....anyone other than Torre and the Gerbil not on the juice?

NY -4 over Wash. Holiday commercials.....it's bad enough that Lexus
thinks I'm going to buy the official wife a car this year and they keep
taunting me about it, I got an email from Beazer homes the other day
entitled, "Unwrap an new home for the holiday's. Final week." Um,
we're starting to look and everything, but for Christmas I really had in
mind a pair of Ughs and some pajamas for the little lady. Maybe even a
coupon for a sheet lift during a Dutch oven. Lexus, Beazer, guys, why
don't you go join Sweden in a "time out"? Check yourselves before you
wreck yourselves.

Jets +24 over Pats. Look, the jokes have been made. The story line has
been beaten worse than Ike Turner and James Brown's ladies. Nobody
covers 24 points in a blizzard/rain/wind storm. Except, maybe.......a
disgruntled Guru, perhaps? Remember in "Remember the Titans" when
Denzel Washington tosses a banana at the opposing coach in lieu of a
post game handshake? That's what the Guru should do. Walk by
Manjobless and simply toss him a camcorder and a pink slip. Last week
the Pix missed the exact score against the Turds by 3 points (34-13 vs
31-13). This week final score, and yes I'm now taking the Pats. NE 27,
Manginajudasjobless and his merry band of Jets 0. As in 0.00. As in
Blutarski's GPA for the fall semester at Faber.

Enjoy the snow everyone, Pix OUT.

And the 2007 Sportsman of the year is.........Oh, dear God. Sweet fancy
Moses. Son of a Motherless goat. It's Beelzebub himself. The
Anti-Christ. Satan. Yea,verily, the similarities between Breet and
Lucifer are too plentiful to ignore. And this latest sign of the
impending apocolypse (Breet on the cover of SI)is unsettling to say the
least. According to most Christian sects, Satan started out as the
highest of all angels, the brightest in the sky. Similarly, Breet's
early years were fairly legit (1 earned MVP. Two bogus). But then
Satan's pride overcame him as he failed to bow to God and sought to rule
the heavens himself. He tempted Eve throught he Serpent (Peter King)
and was identifed as the accuser of Job (Tom Brady). Indeed, one can
see Breet's pride wash over him as he roots against his own backup
quarterback on the sidelines and when he pretends to retire every year,
shedding crocodile tears after the last game knowing he will simply wait
until the slurps reach their crescendo and he returns. In the book of
Revelation Satan is cast into a lake of fire. The pix couldn't find one
of those so we'll have to settle for something similar. A "Door down"
should do the trick. Also known as the "blue pushup", the door down is
when someone enters the port-a-potty and you tip it over, door side down
so the victim can't escape. This is where Breet belongs. The Pix...

Oak +10 over GB. Speaking of the port-a-potty, is there a worse feeling
than having to play an "away game" and your only option is the blue
closet? Other than having to worry about potential door down scenarios
(especially if you are at Foxboro), you always find yourself (no matter
how hard you try not to) sneaking a look into the bottom of the pit and
then have to fight off the urge to puke. Good times.

Cleve -3 over Manjobless. While we are on the topic, Manjudas is
looking a little "backed up" on the sidelines these days. Being a
preseason playoff pick and then skidding to a 3-9 start will do that to
you. The stain of the Jets' season can't be wiped away.

Indy -9 over Baltimore. This away game will be much more comfortable
for Indy than when the Pix had somewhat of an emergency at the Salem
Diner. Oh, and row #31 on US Air from Boston to Pittsburgh?.....wicked
sorry.

Ohio St +13 over LSU. Don't even know if this is the spread, just
wanted the opportunity to use the word bowel season, er, bowl season.

No -5 over Atl. The dog whisperer get's senenced this Monday. The Pix
remembers the first time he saw a jail cell. It was on a school field
trip in the 3rd grade (we now know that it was an excuse for THE MAN to
fingerprint us all) and the single biggest deterrent there was the
"facilities" being out in the open. No door. No toilet seat. The Pix
would not do well in prison.

Dallas -10 over Detroit. Best consumer improvements of the last
decade....the 30 pack, HD television, Charmin with Aloe.

All other games meaningless.

Pats -13 over Turd burglar. How fitting. We finish with the man whose
nickname somehow became the theme for this week's Pix. The Burglar is
only slightly less overrated than Beelzebub. If it weren't for the
refs' fisting Seattle in the Superbowl and taking the attention away
from the Turdburglar's disastrous performance, we would all simply know
him as a dude who drinks like a Cossack and bounces his grape on the
pavement while taking a domeless rice rocket ride. Not helping him any
this week is the rookie db who "guaranteed a victory" for the mini
turds. Pathetic. The Guru owns the Steelers (5-1 in last 6 games) like
Hilary owns ugly. Pats 31, Turds 17.

Pix out.