Special Brady update

Those who follow the Pix and know reader TC know that our boy has a source rather close to #12. The Globe doesn't have the source. Neither the Herald, Peter King nor ESPN have the source. Just TC and therefore the Pix. Those who need proof need only remember that two years ago TC knew that Randy Moss was coming to New England. Breet thought he was going to Green Bay. Peter King had him going to Green Bay. Chris Berman had him going to Green Bay. TC knew he was on his way to New England. So here's a New years's gift to Pix readers from our by TC:

The Source: "Tom is running, dropping back, throwing passes and IS ahead of schedule".

The 2010 Super Bowl is ours. You heard it here first. Big thanks to TC for passing along this info. The Guru will franchise and trade Cassell for no less than a 2nd round pick. Possibly a first. He'll then spend the first 3 picks on corners and safties. Maybe another linebacker. He'll sign Wilfork to a 4-5 year deal. The Pix will party like it's 2007 and the Pats go 19-0. Some random coaching thoughts........

Go to the archives for September 2007 and see where the Pix said Manjudas would be fired after this year. Delicious. One thing worries the Pix, however. Mike Shanahan. Remember that the Guru respects Shanahan more than any other coach in the NFL. Shanahan is the Guru's kryptonite and he's rumored to be going to............wait for it...........the Jets. This is not a desirable scenario for Pats fans. Just sayin'.

Manjudas is rumored to be interviewing for the Browns job. The Pix guesses this falls under the NFL's rule requiring all franchises to interview minorities. Fat back stabbing pathetic stains being a minority.

The annual Breet watch has begun with a major change this year. No one is watching. Breet's yearly Hamlet act has finally lost an audience. The boy who cried wolf will finally be ignored this offseason by most media. Come back, don't come back, take a shit in your hat......nobody cares, Breet. Bernie Madoff, Blago and Sarah Palin have brighter futures than the bayou braying jackass. Someone please wake up the Pix when Breet makes a decision. Until then he's off to the 2008 time capsule with the S+P 500, Ricky Gervais and ZIMA. (that's right, Zima wasn't discontinued until this year. who knew?)

Happy New Year to all readers. See you in 2009.


The Pix

With the 1st pick in the 2030 draft, the New England Patriots select...........

Tyler Forbes. Born December 30th in Salem, MA. Weighing in at 8lbs 15 0z. He has thrown 5,042,814 fewer intecerceptions than Breet. The Pix doesn't normally include personal items...but this one is the exception. Welcome to the NFL 22 years early, Tyler. No pressure...........

Playoffs?

The Pix can't remember the last time week 17 of the NFL season meant anything but a quasi bye week for the Pats as they rested players to prepare for, as the Tuna would say, "the tournament". Statistically, the Pats have a 33% chance of returning to the postseason based on the scenarios that will play out this afternoon. Anyone who reads this blog knows what has to happen, so I won't repeat it. Let's just break down the games....

Pats at Buffalo. Um, duh, Pat's win. When it comes to NE domination of Buffalo, the Bills should change their names to the gimps. Twice a year we pull them out of some trunk in a pawn shop basement and have our way with them. And they like it. Not to mention the fact that the Pats may be the hottest team in football right now. The Pix can't stress enough how much the rest of the league will be pulling for the Guru to miss the playoffs. Talk about a rooster in the hen house. The guy loses the league MVP, starting tailback, both defensive captains.........the list is too long to complete. And his team is on the verge of an 11-5 season having taken a backup quarterback people had presumed would be cut before the season and turned him into a pro bowl caliber player. Belichick should be league MVP. If anyone else gets coach of the year (and Jeff Fisher will) it will be rigged worse than Blogojevich's political appointments. Here's the list of people the Pix would want to be stranded on a desert island with.....Jessica Biel, Beyonce, the Mexican bird from "Spanglish" (under rated movie) and the Guru. Check that. The Guru would be first because he'd coach us into building a casino that would make Steve Wynn's joints look like "the green spot" and then Jessica and Beyonce would come to us. Because that's how the Guru rolls.

Baltimore vs Jax. I'd say a 40-60 chance of a Ravens loss here. We'll know everything we need to in the first half. If the Jaguars can hang around for a while, the noose will tighten a little around the Ravens' necks and the coaches will reign in Flacco. Rookie qb's in must win playoff type games have a tendency to screw the pooch. It will help that the Jags have nothing to lose and HOPEFULLY the imbecile Jack Del Rio will coach like he has more than one testicle. A first for him. Seriously, Jack.....fake punts, going for it on all fourth and shorts.....you have nothing to lose here. Forget for a day that you are more conservative than Hugh Hewitt and you coach like your sphincter is tighter than Billy Hayes' in "Midnight Express. The Pats need you.

Jets vs Dolphins. How did it come to this? Really? The Pix has to root for Breet? This game will be like watching 2 ex-wives wrestling over a dude in a bar and actually having to root for the one you dislike more. Does that make sense? Let's just say it's a tough one for the Pix and leave it at that. As for the football.......just a really strange game. The Jets are actually favored by 3.....so Vegas thinks it's a toss up. One thing for sure, this one will be excruciating. A game full of mistakes that will go down to the wire and ultimately, the Pix fears, ends poorly for Pats fans. And conspiracy theories will abound. Why does the league permit this game to be at 4:00 pm? How is that fair? The Jets will have NO INCENTIVE to win when they see that we beat Buffalo. This is a travesty of justice worse than the first OJ verdict. The Pix will be reaching out to Ron Goldman after this game to find a good civil attorney. Final score........Mia 24...Jets 21.

All other games.....who cares? Other than the fact that the Pix would like to see Dallas lose and see the look on Wade Phillips' face. His face in the fourth quarter of close games reminds the Pix of the face on offical son #1 during the initial stages of potty training. He's a little confused by the whole process but realizes it's pretty important and that mommy and daddy are rooting for him. Then, when he accidentally hoses down the bath mat he just looks up and hopes it's ok. Sure, Wade...it's ok. Someone will need a defensive coordinator next year.

Sorry for the late post. A special tribute to Breet coming soon. Anyone in the vicinity of 49 Shorewood today is invited by for some holiday deliciousness and a game of ping pong. Go Pats.

Ok, ok, ok

So the Pix has been lame. Not writing, predicting, complaining....pretty much doing nothing. It's not that the occasional impulse to write is gone, it's just that the usual sources for commentary.....stupid people being stupid....just isn't as surprising or amusing any more. Burger King launching a beef scented body spray, Bush getting some shoes launched at him in Iraq (nice going secret service....I'm feeling really good about Obama's safety after that episode), OJ going to prison, Blagojevich, dudes shooting women while having sex.....all blog worthy I suppose. But nothing seems outrageous anymore. Teacher sex scandals used to be fun, but now they are once a week and have just become..........predictable. And it's sad. Due to the internets and daily instant access to the most outrageous stories spanning the globe, I fear the Pix has become immune to random unintentional comedy and incredibly poor decision making. That is until this beauty of a headline appeared last Wednesday, "Favre makes Pro Bowl". The Pix....

Balt +5 over Dallas. Let's start with the most important game of the week for the Patriots. The entire nation thinks the Ravens will go down and that the Pats get in the playoffs by winning out. The Pix kind of agrees, but is very worried about what Ray Lewis can do to a banged up Romo and a TO who likes going over the middle as much as Putin likes oil under 35 a barrell. Rooting for Dallas feels as natural as Pam Anderson's tits, but the Pix will be pulling hard for the 'boys Saturday.

Cinci +3 over Cleveland. The Pix has said it before, but watching Romeo Crennell coach a football game has the same feel as watching children play in traffic. Or Acky trying to skate.

Detroit +8 over Saints. What a great run these two cities are on. Between the auto industry and Katrina, these places make Seattle look like Rio during Carnival. The Pix thinks the Lions actually could win this game. Wait, did I really just type that? And I'm not even drunk yet?

KC +4 over Miami. To quote the Japanese employee from "Major League", "these guys aren't so shitty". I'm referring to the Chiefs. Plus, we REALLY need the fins to puke one up here.

SF -4 over the Rams. The guess here is that Solomon Wilcotts is prominently involved with this game's broadcast. Ratings should fall somewere in between reruns of "Cagney and Lacey" and the 2 am infomercial featuring anything from Ronco. (Note to Mr. Popeil, please bring back the civil war chess set).

Pitt -1 over Tenn. Possibly settles home field advantage for AFC. Neither of these over-rated teams want to see the Pats anywhere near the playoffs.

SD +3 over Tampa. Breet getting the nod over Rivers for the Pro Bowl is a worse injustice than what happened Tom Robinson in "To Kill a Mockingbird". Actually, wait...........ok, what happened to Tom was worse. But it's closer than you think.

Donkeys -7 over Buff. Congratulations to Dick Jauron for winning the Pix' 1st annual dumbest dumb ass of an already incredibly stupid dumb ass football season award. Really Dick? A pass from JP Lose-man from your own 27 with 2 minutes left after Breet gift wraps you a typical Breet present? You DUMBASS. The reminds me of my favorite commercial from a few years ago showing a kid on a job interview saying "And that is why I think I'm qualified for the job Mr. Dumb.......ass". Camera then shows bosses nameplate while boss simultaneously says, "it's Dumas (pronounced doom-ah). Ok, funnier on TV. Moving on........

Houston -7 over Raiders. Here's a brief list of things/people who have had a fall analogous to the Raiders from the 70's and 80's. Tara Reid, OJ, Michael Jackson, high fructose corn syrup, disco, the calculator, (Bernie Madoff is too recent) Eastern European communist nation states and Brent Musberger. That's it. That's the list.

Seattle +5 over Jets. Speaking of the calculator, what the *^%#@ is Aston Kutcher jumping around the TV advertising? Is that a *(&^% camera? Made by **$#@ Casio? What ^$!# century are we living in? Next up for Aston.....maybe an fm radio, or some 45's. Nice career, buddy. Maybe since he's dating a bird who peaked in 1980 and starred in "that 70's show" he actally feels more connected to bygone eras. Someone get Bea Arthur on speed dial. (the Pix loves him some Bea Arthur jokes).

Atlanta +3 over Minn. Tavaris. Tavarious. Taverus. Tivernus. Tuviras. Special Pix shout out to whomever can correctly spell the first name of the Vikings starting QB.

Philly -5 over Washington. Way to tie Cinci, Eagles. How bad will Philly fans feel after they miss the playoffs by 1/2 a game due to the tie vs the Cinmates?

Giants -3 over Carolina. The Panthers are a paper tiger.

Chicago -4 over GB. The Pix is 0-whatever taking the Pack every week since the pilgrimage to Lambeau. Here's a reverse jinx for you Sconnie.

Birds +9 over Pats. Calm down, people. The Pix just thinks 9 points is too much considering Arizona has one of the top passing units in the league and NE is starting Ray Clayborn, Tim Fox and Dick Van Dyke (still alive by the way) in the secondary. By the way, Cassell not making the Pro Bowl instead of Breet is an injustice somewhere in between the "trail of tears" and Cortez vs the Aztecs. Ok, maybe not on par with twin genocides, but it's closer than you think.

Hmmmm....that was fun. Maybe the Pix can regain some mojo in the new year. In the meantime, Merry and Happy to all. Except for Breet.

Pre-Turkey Pix

Apologies dear readers for the bagel last week. The Pix was semi comatose due to many factors which will remain nameless and blameless. Let's just move on. The Pix coninued the torrid pace of pigskin prognostication two weeks ago going 11-5, contributing to the 61-28 tally for the year. Seriously, it may be time to remove "for entertainment purposes only" tag and hit Vegas. The Pix is a strong believer in reversion to the mean.....therefore we should all be able to enrichen ourselves by simply going against yours truly for the rest of the season. Having said that, armed with the knowledge that no one who reads this blog gives 2 cents about the Pix' pix, let's get to this weeks rant.



As all here know, one of the Pix' pet peeves is lame commercials during football games and in general. Nothing infuriates the Pix more when beer ads are bad. Really, how hard can this be? Here are the basic rules for a succesful beer ad campaign..



1. Make me laugh. This is really rule 1-10.

2. Show me some tail.

3. Involve sports celebrities from the 70's sitting around a bar arguing.

4. Show dumb men doing dumb things to get more beer.

5. Rinse and repeat.



The gold standard for beer ads was, is and always will be the Miller Lite ads from the 70's and the "tastes great" , "less filling" debate. Whole sports stadiums would pick up the chant during games. The Pix was on a subway once on the way to a game when this chant would break out. Unfortunately, since then only one truly great beer ad campaign has taken its place, the "Real men of genius" Bud Light ads. Faux Steve Perry of "Journey" crooning about "Mr. nudist colony activity coordinator". An instant classic. Which is why the turd sandwiches that Bud Light is serving up lately automatically disqualify this beverage from being purchased. I present you with the 2008-2009 Bud light ad campaign........"the difference is Drinkability".........



Really? That's it? Drinkability? Is InBev already running the Bud ads, because if that's the case, it's time to invade Belgium immediately. F*&ing "Drinkability"? Note to Bud Light.......I wasn't going to take the beer in suppository form. The Pix generally drinks his beer by, well, drinking it.



Let's apply this ad logic and see if it could word with other examples of commercials.



Sleepy's.........because, um, you need a mattress to sleep on. The difference is sleepability. Yep, sounds good.



Jordan's furniture.......your house would look dumb empty. You can sit on our furniture and everything.

We obviously could go on forever here. Car ads....drivability, restaraunts..eatability....whatever. The Pix just imagines a bunch of ad execs tapping their pencils on a conference table until one guy says, "Um, what about 'drinkability'?" All the execs look around the table simultaneously wondering if America is really that stupid and eventually reach the conclusion that yes, we are. Frustrating.

The Pix once heard a rumor that several ad agencies put their most creative people together, had them smoke a little weed and would inevitably come up with their best campaigns. The Pix believes this to be true especially when one remembers the Quiznos ads from 4 years ago that featured two floating hamsters playing guitars and singing falsetto. These were the lyrics:

"We love the subs.

cause they are good to us

the Quiznos suuuuubs. They are tasty they are cruncy they are good because we toast them

(long pause for effect)

they have a pepper bar."

http://www.slate.com/id/2095868/

Seriously, go find the you tube of this thing. Hilarious. Other than that the Pix really has no point this week. The Pix......

Buff -7 over SF

Balt -7 over Cincy

Indy -4 over Cleveland

GB -3 over Carolina

Rams +9 over Miami

NO +4 over TB

Giants -3 over Wash

SD +6 over ATL

Donkeys +9 over Jets

Oak +3 over KC

Chi +4 over Minn

Jax +4 over Houston

Patriots even over Pitt

As years past, the Pix slows down around Thanksgiving and the annual hunting trip to the Berkshires. Expect the posts to increase in frequency the second half of December. And try to get that Quiznos song out of your heads.

Week 10 and random randomness

Nothing funny going on in the world this week. The Pix will just be shotgun blasts of extreme randomness and football. Pix was 9-4 against the spread last week. 50-23 for the season. The Pix..........



Atlanta -5 over Denver. The Donkeys suck.



Carolina -14 over Detroit. The kitties suck. And don' t ask the Pix why he capitalized Donkeys and not kitties.



GB -3 over Chicago. Here's a list of people the Pix is glad the official wife didn't date before the Pix: Kid Rock, Patrick Ewing, K-fed, A-rod or any of the hyphenated people, Lexinton Steele, Peter North, Anderson Cooper and Kobe. Mind you, it's only a partial list.



Houston +9 over Indy. The Pix was walking by the kids' tv room last weekend when he heard these words from the TV:

"Humpty Dumpty climbed up the wall.

Humpty Dumpty was afraid to fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Had to help Humpty Dumpty down the wall again."



What the f?! The sissification of America's children has now gone to far. The Pix had to break it down this way for the official boys, ages 3 and 2. "Listen, guys, this is B.S. Humpty not only dies, he suffers a through a horrible procedure that entails horses using their hooves trying to manipulate fragmented shells of egg. And his parents were losers. He could have been called Steve Dumpty, or Bill Dumpty, but his parents chose 'Humpty'. He was obviously an 'accident' in the first place. It's WWII week on AMC, let's put somehting real on the television. Who wants anther juice box?"



Saints -5 over KC. Unrelated to the NFL, the Pix knows why Notre Dame is off again this year. Jimmy Claussen, their golden boy qb is the problem. He just looks wierd. Check him out the next time the Irish are on tv. He has this strange slavic frontal lobe where the upper regions of his eye sockets meet the lower forhead. It makes him look, um, mentally slow. If you are the #1 recruit in the country and play qb for Notre Dame, you have to look the part. He doesn't.



Oak +11 over Miami. "Dancing with the Stars" and all other c list celeb reality tv shows must go away. Let's just go straight to a cable channel that hires c list celebs to take their clothes off. It's where we are headed in the next 20 years anyways. Can we just get it over with? The Pix doesn't want to see you dance, sing, mud wrestle, lose weight or live in a house together. Just skip to the naked part. Thanks.



NYG -6.5 over Baltimore. **********SUPER RANDOMNESS ALERT********** The Pix has a new favorite restaraunt in Marblehead. "Zaika", is an Indian restaraunt where "Renaldo's" used to be. The Pix got take out there last Sunday night. DELICIOUS. The owner, Kulwan, is the Pix newest BFF. He loves sports and tends bar when he's not overseeing the kitchen activity. The Pix reccomends the Lamb Kashmiri or the Chicken Tikki Masala. "Zaika" is Punjabi for "perfect taste". Kulwan also lives in Marblehead and has a daughter at lower Bell school. His family's restaraunt in the back bay is called "India Samraat". It got best of Boston in 2007 and acually wins it most years. Legit.



AZ -3 over Seattle. You know those two volleyball chicks for the US that have won the last two gold medals and like 3,000 straight matches? The ones NBC showed for like 1/2 of the Olympics? Come closer, the Pix has a secret for you. Ready? They're not hot. There, I said it. They were like the ugliest birds in the volleyball competion. WHEEEW>>>>that felt good. The Pix has been holding that one in since August.



TB -4 over GB. Let's be honest, though. Misty May and Kerri Walsh? Yes and yes is the answer. They are kind of like the Stella Artois of female volleyball players. (Pix week 2 or 3 for the reference).



Philly -9 over Cinci. Message to Democrats......Al Franken? Get a hold of yourselves.



Sf -6 over Rams. Just because I think Mike Singletary might kill himself if the niners don't win one soon.



Jax +3 over Tenn. Message to the media who want to bring up the possibility of The Titans going 16-0........When Kerry Collins is your quarterback, it means that Kerry Collins is your quarterback.



Pitt -3 over SD. *********Mild Randomness Alert***** remember the old dude muppets who heckled from the balcony? Their names are Statler and Waldorf. What's strange is that they were referred to as Statler and Waldorf, but Statler was on the right and Waldorf was on the left. Shouldn't it have been the other way around? Bonus muppett randomness, best muppetts in order are Sweetums, Animal and then Snuffleupagus. Just sayin.



Dallas even over Washington. If the Pix were Miss Piggy's agent, she would have had a much better career. She was too typecast as a frog loving floozy. The Pix thinks she had much more theatrical range and a better than average voice. Unfortunately for the porcine princess, Maxim and Stuff magazines came along a little too late in her career.



Cleveland +5.5 over Buff. Whatever.



Jets +3.5 over NE. Look, this pains the Pix, but Breet and Manjudas have a better supporting cast around them right now than Cassell and the Guru. The Pix isn't saying the Pats' defense resembles a M.A.S.H. unit, but Klinger, Radar, Hot Lips and Bj were seen landing in Providence Tuesday and headed up rt.1 (By the way, people may dispute this, but the Pix believes that Winchester was funnier than Frank Burns, BJ funnier than Trapper and Col Potter a slight upgrade over Henry Blake. Discuss). The Pix just hates the match up of the Jets offense against our defense. Unless Moss and Welker go off tonight (and the rain won't help), things just don't look great for the Elvi.



Having just read over this week's post, some may question the Pix' parenting methods. Let's just say what really happened after "L'ffaire Humpty" was actually far more serious. After admonishing both children for watching a "liberal" channel like Noggin, we took a little field trip to the garage where we smashed their bike helmets with a sledge hammer. "Don't want to get hurt? Don't fall, then. And for damn sure don't fall on your heads". Let's just say they had no problem eating their broccoli that night.



Want more parenting tips from the Pix? Please answer parenting poll at top right of page.

Pix out.

NFL week 9 and updated Jihad list.

Since the Pix is new to this venue, now seems a good time to roll out an updated version of the Pix favorite columns: the Jihad list. Original followers will remember the first fatwas issued by the Pix in 2006. CVS, gratuitous pickle inclusion on standard lunch fare, small toilets, Cher and any toilet paper that wasn't Charmin with aloe were amongst the first. All are egregious violations against humanity indeed. But the time has come for another shout out to the Pix Mujahideen. I's time to renew the Jihad against............

1. Anyone with piercings who doesn't posess ovaries and keep said bobbles to the auricular region. (Exception: freshman year in college and just for the punk rock party, mmkay?) Seriously, can the piercing and tattoo fad please just go away? When the Pix was growing up the standard physical act of rebellion was growing your hair too long (boys) or cutting it too short (felines). Now it's impossible to find a sorority sister without a tramp stamp of some unknown (to them) Asian origin. And the piercings? The first belly ones were mildly alluring, but the gradual procession to the eyebrow, nose and ultimately the genital region went from ridiculous to sublime in a nanosecond. Half the girls working summer jobs at the local ice cream stand look like they've been attacked by a turretts victim wielding Ron Popeil's "Bedazzler". The Pix just wants a small vanilla bowl with jimmies, please. Thanks.

2. No, actually I'm still on the piercings. The Pix read last month where some unfortunate bird in England go here left breasticle pierced and it got infected............by the flesh eating virus. Talk about unintended consequences. All joking aside for a moment, women have a hard enough time with their breasticli as it is........bras, babies, bumps and lumps.......seriously just leave them alone. They look really really really great all by themselves. The only metal involved whatsoever should remain the well constructed yet oddly pliable underwire. You're welcome.

3. Dennis and Callahan. Apologies to those who don't live in the greater Boston area. D and C are Boston's #1 rated morning radio show. Ostensibly it is a sports program, but for the last year of so these two ass clowns have been masquerading as political pundits or simply 2 people with a modest knowledge of world and local affairs. They make the VPILF look like Copernicus. Here's what the Pix wants on his 4 minute commute to the office. Sox win, fart joke, rumor of a new celebrity sex tape. That's it. That's all. The two of you know less about the constitution than Travis Henry knows about planned parenthood (9 kids, 7 babymamas, 2 cities. As the Pix said last year, "2-4-6-8 Travis likes to procreate"). Get back to hot stove and the cover two before the Pix picks up the phone and impales you on the spear of your own bigotry and ignorance. Wait, that's two spears. Um, you know wtf I mean.


4. Um, actually, that's it for now. The Pix is fading and we have to get to the NFL. So for now fellow Mujahadids, stay strong on the Jihad. And tip those ice cream girls......tattoo removal is expensive I hear. The Pix...............


NO +1 at ATL. Saints need it more. We are at that time of the season where desparation begins to have an effect on all the games. Atl is giddy about their unexpected start. And maybe a little complacent.

Chi +3 over Ten. Ditto for this game. And according to SI's DR. Z, the boys in Vegas are begging for people to take the Titans.

Jax-6 @ Det. Sometimes the Pix will throw his underwear in the hamper and hopes the official wife doesn't inspect it too closely before it hits the washer. Nothing about football here, just felt like getting that off my chest.

Sea +10 @Mia. True story........Rahm Emmanuel, Obama's newly tabbed chief of staff is actually the person who was the inspiration for the character of Josh Lyman on "The West Wing". Not sure if that's cool or not but it's a far cry from discussing the Pix's used scivvies.

GB +2 @Minn. Readers should all know by now that the Pix is in the tank for the Pack and all things "sconnie".

Rams +8 ove Jets. Pix has it on good authority that Breet owns and operates a piercing pagoda notorious four using dirty needles and cooking meth in the basement. He also wrote in Palin for pres last Tuesday.

Baltimore +2 @Houston. Me thinks a certain someone in Westport, CT has noticed by now the number of road dogs picked this week. We'll discuss it in Nassau..........

Carolina -9 @ Oak. Raiders cut D'angelo Hall this week after paying him 1 million per week for the first 8 weeks of the season. In other news, the Pix 401k has become a 201k.

Indy even @ Pitt.
KC +14 @ SD.
NYG +3 @ Philly.
Arizona -9 against SF.

NE -4 agaist Buffalo. The Bills are dinged up and the Pats HAVE to win this to stay in the thick of things. Pix says Moss catches 2 td's and the Guru gets to relax early.

The Pix was 7-7 last week and remains a very profitable (for entertainment purposes only) 41-19 on the season vs. Vegas.

Pix calls election before CNN

After reviewing reems of data and multiple trans-continental exit polls, the Pix is ready to call the 2008 Presidential election. Um, duh, it's Obama. It was over the moment Hilary Clinton conceded the Democratic primary last week, I mean last July. Despite trillions of print words and millions of tv minute dedicated to "the race", the outcome of this election was never really in doubt. It had nothing to do with taxes, the war on terror, education, abortion, Breet, gay marriage, race, agism or even the intergalactically moronic presumptive VPILF. It had to do with 2000. It had to do with the fact that Bush lost the popular vote while winning the electoral vote thanks to a court ruling. Then, in 2004, Bush (a war time president) almost lost to a Hermes tie wearing Zombie who was married to crazier than a shit house rat Theresa Heinz Kerry. In other words, Bush and Cheney were on thin ice as 2005 began.

The Pix isn't here to bash Bush. He's an easier target than Tara Reid after a bottle of Goldschlagger. But who couldn't see this coming? Oil went from 40 dollars a barrell to 150 in the first 3 1/2 years of his second term during a time in which the US seized the country with the second or third riches oil deposits in the world. Regardless of where one stands on the Iraq invasion and occupancy, to let their economy grow a 60 billion dollar surpluss when the US has literally financed and fought for their freedom seems incongruous at a time when our country's airline and automotive industries bankrupt themselves on 150 a barrell oil. Just sayin'.

When Bush took over the white house in 2000, the S+P 500 was 1480. Seven years later (Jan 07) it was 1389. After briefly touching 876 on October 24, it has rallied to roughly 1000 today. Red, blue or purple, that's the worst equity performance of any administration. EVER. So Obama will raise the capital gains tax? Who has gains? Most Americans have tax loss carry forwards they harvested during the Bush years and can offset them dollar for dollar against gains with higher rates in the years to come.

For most of the month of October, Americans couldn't peruse the business section without reading at length about the looming recession and possible depression. D-E-P-R-...well, you get it...and yet some folks are incredulous that the opposition party should maybe get another crack at power. Ummmmmmmmmm, really? Bill Clinton was and is a lying, cheating, cigar wielding, impeached and disbarred rascal. But that 'ol goat presided over the greatest bull market since the nifty fifties. And he kept us incredibly entertained. Now that the election is over, maybe Bill can procure himself an ambassadorial appointment to Thailand. Think he could get into any trouble over there?

Does the Pix hate higher taxes? Oui. Hate large gov't spending? Si. Is Biden an imbecile worthy of his own column? Da. But while CNN and all the other networks roll out three rows of pundits five accross with laptops and magical maps, spewing out worthless observations and partisan poop, the Pix simply breaks it down this way. The country is in bad shape, it is the other teams turn. Please drive through.

Apologies to those arriving here looking for football, flatulence and fermentation. More of that as the Pix returns to his regularly scheduled program.

Welcome to the Pix

Let's jump right in, shall we? For those of you who have been reading the Pix for the last few years, welcome to the blog. Thanks to Jamie Tedford, the Pix was dragged into the internets age with the google and here we are. Thanks Jamie. The three main reasons for the transition from email are convenience, getting away from big brother and the ability to blog from home after a few cans of deliciousness. If it's anything like the Pix' drinking and dialing days from the 90's things should get interesting. A quick review of the last few years....


Breet=Brett Farve. Public enemy #1. Since Breet can't spell his last name correctly we've decided to help him with his first as well. Please browse the archives to get the true flavor of the Pix disdain for the main stain. He's a douche. (did you see that? The Pix swore.....first time in the history of the Pix. FREEDOM).

Ladudian Tampon=Ladanian Tomlinson. Overrated and lame. Took and continues to take massive beatdowns after complaining about Pats celebrating on Chargers field.

Turd Burglar=Ben Roethlisberger. Overrated. Weaker arm than Matt Cassell with half the ability to read a defense. Hid behind great Steeler line for years but couldn't hide from the Pix. Likes to sign multi million dollar contracts and then ride his rice rocket sans helmet.

Sarah Palin. Please refer to the 9/3 beatdown given to presumptive VPILF. Now that she is making noises about running in 2012, the Pix can breathe a sigh of relief. There's nobody with a comedy ceiling higher than Sarah. She'll be leaving us for a while after next Tuesday, but let's hope she doesn't stay away for long. Maybe she'll even give her first press conference some day. (one last thing......we know Sarah is somewhat anti-academic, but shouldn't her kids be in school and not on the campaign trail? Is it summer vacation in Alaska? Shouldn't Willow, Trag, Butterknife and Sand dune be getting an education?)

The Pix

Nada the last few weeks. 32 and 14 on season vs spread. For entertainment purposes only.

Buffalo-5 over Jeets. Since the Pix has been on hiatus, it has been revealed that Breet called the Lions in an effort to foil Aaron Rodgers and the Pack. In addition, Deanna Favre is all ove the national media crying that people have been mean to Breet. Deanna, Mother Theresa had worse pub than your husband, who, while racking up the all time league interception record was treated daily to full body massages with happy endings from the entire league media. These people will never get it. Louis IV acted less entitled. Prediction: if Breet throws 2 first half picks, he retires. Then, well, you know.

Chi-12 vs DET

Jax-7 at Cinci. TJ houseyourmamma guaranteed to the Bungles faithful this week that they would win at least on game this season. Um, ok. The Pix guarantees that the S+P 500 will not go to zero. Feel better?

Cleve even over Ravens. Just don't know if Joey Flaccid will stay up for the Ravens (rim shot).

TB-9 over KC. Yawn
Houston + 5 over Minny. Blurgh.
Arizona-2 over Rams. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz.

GB +6 over Ten...And we're back. At some point the Pix would like to write more about his pilgrimage to Mecca (Lambeau Field) a few weeks back. Here's some quick and dirty......it is impossible to go to this stadium and tailgate with Packer fans and not immediately become a Pack fan. Granted, the Pix couldn't say this if Breet were involved, but he no longer is. The Philly fans are every bit as enthusiastic as Pack fans but they can't compete with the atmosphere that is GB. (The Pix is a homer, but please don't mention Pats games or the Foxboro fans. We just aren't in the same league). We were the only car in our tailgate section with tickets to the game! These people just tailgate, get hammered and go home to watch the game and eat more Brats. They truly get it. The Pix would also take the over on percent of fans at the game that had recently killed something. Just sayin'. Huge thanks to Jeff Walker and Dick Davis for introducing the Pix to the "Sconnie" way of life. Bacon, birds, beer, brats and no Breet. Delicious. Once the Pix figures out the internets more, some photos of the pilgrimage will be up on the blog.

Mia +3 over Donkees. Ricky Williams says, "vote yes on question 2".

Giants-7 over Romosexuals. Watching Jerry Jones' face when he lies to the camera about Wade Philips' job security or how Pac man is just misunderstood is almost as good as watching McCain try to keep a straight face about how Wasilla Sarah is qualified to be President. Their faces go completely red and their eyes start twitching like inspector Clouseau's lieutenant or Kathryn Hepburn on two pots of black coffee (thanks to Nick Depaulo).

Atl-3 over Oakland. For Halloween, Al Davis is going to go as.......Al Davis.

Philly-7 over Sea. Is this line right? Lock of week. (carefull TC)

Wash-1 over Turd. The Burglar needs to watch his grape this week. He'd be safer on a motorcycle than behinc the battered Steeler line.

Indy -5 over Pats. Sorry, that's just how it is going to go down. The Pix still has the Pats making the playoffs, but the Colts entire season is on the line here.

That wraps up the first blog entry not copy and pasted from past emails. Feel free to comment (another pro for the blog format) and check back for mid week updates. The Pix will have an updated jihad list soon as well as a consumer product review of major toilet paper brands.

Happy Halloween

The Pix

The PIX- 10/3

What a week. Really. Totally insane. John Paul Sartre famously wrote that "Hell is other people". He would really have hated living in 2008.
Let's try to lighten things up a little, shall we? Official wife and the Pix tuned into the VP debate last night hoping for some high comedy.
After watching clips of the Katie Couric interview all week, the Pix half expected the lipstick pit bull to feint, run out of the room crying or maybe just open the debate by saying "I'm sorry, I just can't do this." Instead she.....well....she proved once again that she can read and that she would make a moderately decent local tv anchor, as long as someone taught her how to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear". The Pix honestly can't understand how this person could be this close to becoming President. Which leads us to this week's theme: Things the Pix doesn't get....

1. Washing the outside of the car. I don't get it. Isn't that what the paint is for? I mean, you bought the paint, right? Doesn't it keep the rain and sun and dirt and salt and all that stuff out of the inside of the car? Whenever the Pix drives by the car wash and sees people actually waiting in line, wasting their time and then paying for a car wash....I just think what a colossal waste of time. And some people go like once a week. I don't get it.

2. Clothes with writing on the butt. I don't get it. The only logical thing I can think of to print on the rear of a pair of pants or shorts is "hey, look at my a#$". And isn't that redundant? And while we are on female fashion, could someone please wake me up when the over size sunglass look goes out of style again? Please? I appreciate it. And let's just skip the tattoo and piercing comments. You know how the Pix feels about that, right?

3. Making the bed. Is there a more useless exercise than making the bed?

4. People who ask "what kind of salad dressing do you have?" How many types are there? Like 5 majors, right? And shouldn't anyone over the age of 13 have a pretty well established dressing of preference and a fairly automatic back up? It's not like the FDA is going to approve a new and revolutionary dressing overnight. And even if they did it's unlikely the "Muffin Shop" would have it yet. Italian, Russian, Blue Cheese, Ranch, Oil and Vinegar and most likely some bull $h)t diet vinaigrette. That's it. That's the list. (maybe Greek or tangy tasty parmesan peppercorn, but that's it)

5. Fish tacos

6. People who think drinking alone constitutes a problem. The Pix has said this before, but it warrants repeating....you are not drinking alone if the TV is on.

7. Pole Vaulting. I get the Olympic sport, I just don't get where it comes from. Let's assume most of the original Olympic sports were born of some military use. Running. Throwing a big stone. Throwing a spear.
I get those. But let's say you invented pole vaulting and you use it in a battle and successfully vault yourself into the enemy's castle. Then what? You're hosed. And you're dead. And I can't imagine any of your buddies are going to want to go next. It just doesn't make sense. I don't get it.

8. Hollow chocolate Easter bunnies. Why don't they make solid ones any more? Isn't half the pleasure of biting into the bunny's head the reassuring knowledge that you have this huge piece of candy and you're
only one bite into it? And then you feel the hollow crumbles break
apart and you realize you have been gypped. Easter is lame enough as it is. Until the lamb dinner. Ummmmm. The Pix loves lamb with some nice mint jelly and mashed potatoes with lamb gravy....

9. Musical guests on SNL. The Pix originally thought the best part of tivo was fast forwarding through the commercials. That has been far surpassed by having the ability to fast forward through the worst 4 minutes of TV every week. (And now the band plays twice!). Dear Mr.
Michaels, I watch your show for cheap humor and the occasional mean spirited barb. Not to be reminded on weekly basis just how bad music has become. I don't get it. Thanks, The Pix.....

Last week, bye. Two weeks ago, 10-6. Total for season 32-14 against the spread. (for entertainment purposes only)


Tenn -3 over Bal
NY -7 over Sea
Philly -5 over Wash
SD -7 over Mia
Chi -3 over Det
GB no line over ATL
Indy -3 over Hous
Carolina -10 over KC
Denver -3 over TB
Buff + 2 over AZ
NE -3 over SF
Dallas -17 over Cin
Jax -4 over Turd
NO -3 over Minn

Bonus Pix....Red Sox in 4, TB in 4, LA in 4 and Philly in 4.

Special Pix prediction....McCain wins less than 15 states in November.
Right now he leads in poles in 24. Check out Intrade.com for that info.

New item for the Pix......TV trivia. Each week the Pix will reveal the winner (whoever emails the correct answer 1st) and have some sort of award for winning the season (probably a cold can of deliciousness)

What is the name of the beverage that Grandpa would sneak off and drink with the Baldwin sisters? No Google!

Next week......the return of the ovarian consultant.

Pix out.

Before we begin with week 3, the Pix has a few housekeeping items to go
over. Item #1 is the distribution list. There isn't one. The Pix is a
retard and doesn't know how to properly use Outlook. In addition,
Outlook will occasionally drop a name or several and then the Pix gets
hazed for "leaving me off the list". It takes the Pix longer to go
through the names above than it does to write the freaking thing. Over
the last few years the Pix has been asked to add names, and for whatever
reason it's 3-4 new ones per week now. Trust me, I appreciate you all
forwarding these to your friends and the (sometimes) flattering things
people write me. The Pix loves it. I just don't have the time to add
more names. A few people have told me to start a blog. I'm on the
fence. The thing is this is fun for me and I don't want to feel
obligated to write or spend more time than I already am. Plus, the Pix
reads blogs (barstoolsports.com). It's a different level. When the Pix
started out it was 10 minutes a week. Now it's more like an hour. The
Pix isn't sure how many more jokes about pre stroke grandma Walton,
Cher, Breet and fermented cucumbers there are left. Anyway, please
continue to forward these if you want and please enjoy them.

This weeks theme is one that is near and dear to the Pix.
Deliciousness. For those not new to the Pix, the D word means Budweiser
or some appropriate liquid intoxicant consumed while observing the
National Football league. FOTPs also know the Pix likes to maintain a
strict viewing schedule and can usually be found in 1-3 top secret
locations. While the new and improved Pix Place is under construction,
it is more and more likely that the 2008 season will see the Pix viewing
games beyond the normal comfort zones of his limited universe. These
are known as away games. And they are unfortunate. Not only does the
possibility of facing digestive challenges (lack of fan, small bowl,
lack of Charmin with Aloe) arise, an even greater danger can appear.
Lack of appropriate deliciousness. Quality and quantity.

The whole situation reminds the Pix of a wedding during the 90's. After
skipping the ceremony and heading directly to the bar, the Pix was
confronted with one of the most terrifying sights known to man. A
situation so desperate and dire that months of therapy still couldn't
erase the trauma. The Pix refers, of course, to the Amstel light and
Heineken bar. Scandal, shame, pestilence, gender equity.....nothing
holds a candle to the hideous, deplorable and unconstitutional Amstel
light and Heineken bar. The Pix would rather be charged 8 bucks per can
of Fresca for the evening than drink one free bottle of the devil twins
of Euro-pee. Which leads us to the point of all of this........if by
chance the Pix winds up in one of your houses this season for his
viewing pleasure, please use this list of beverage do's and beverage
don'ts.

1.Budweiser. AKA deliciousness. Lots of it. 38 degrees please.
Preferably the new bottle can. Thank you, please drive through.

2. Miller Lite. Only acceptable since it is the official beverage of
Jefe and Mr. Vegas. It's a guest beer. The Pix will drink it in a
beverage emergency. Quick tip: If you only have 6 Miller lites and 6
Buds, drink the ML's first. One can't possibly go from nectar to
average product.

3. Gin and tonic. Lovely. Delightful.

4. Any foreign beer. Nein. Nyet. Never. Get that week cheese out of
here. Recently the Pix has noticed several people drinking Stella
Artois. What the??? Is it Italian? Belgian? What the hell is that
stuff? It tastes like a skunk sprayed some lobster bait. The Pix will
drink it in a pinch, though.

5. Coke. Perfectly acceptable. The original official non alcoholic
beverage of the Pix. Delicious on ice in a tall glass with a grilled
ham and cheese and some Pringles. Nice little pre-game snack.

6. Ginger Ale. Also acceptable. When the Pix was a child on Sundays
trying to avoid religious services so he could spend some time with
Brent, Irv, Phyllis and Jimmy, he was known to feign a slight illness or
two. Said malady would normally result in optimal couch real estate
being claimed with the added bonus of the less smelly afghan and copious
amounts of bubbly ginger ale. Not until the obnoxious 60 minutes
commercials began airing did the Pix relinquish pole position on the
couch. Good times, indeed.

7. Bud light. Meh. Yawn. Several former deliciousness drinkers have
crossed over to the watery version lately. The Pix is not impressed.
Man up and drink the high test for goodness sake.

8. Coors light. The Pix recently read that Coors light was responsible
for half the teenage pregnancies in New Jersey. That said, the Pix
finds the silver buddy the closest tasting beer to the King. Final
verdict: acceptable. The Pix....



10-4 last week. 22-8 on the season vs. the spread. For entertainment
purposes only.

Atlanta -4 over KC. What a lame match up. Why is Larry Johnson whining
again? What's his beef this time? Go enjoy an Amstel light, Larry.

Arizona +3 over Washington. The Pix has a soft spot for the Cardinals.
Goes back to Jim Hart and Terry Metcalf. This game should be a half
decent road test for Arizona. Jury is still way out on Jim Zorn and
Jason Campbell.

Tenn -5 over Houston. Gonna ride the Titans until they don't pay.

Buffalo -9 over Oakland. Ditto the Bills. The Pix hopes they show
shots of Al Davis up in his box drooling and snarling with his greasy
stringy hair and yellow uncut fingernails. He looks like a cross
between Howard Hughes when he barricaded himself in his house and the
old lady landlord Woody Harrelson had to get with in "Kingpin". That
scene may have been more disturbing than Ned Beatie and Jon Voight's
little party in "Deliverance".

Chicago -3 over Tampa. Let's give the Bears one more week. They should
have covered last week in Carolina, Boog.

Panthers -3 over Minn. Tavaris gets benched. What a pitiful
performance last week against the Colts.

Cincy +14 over Giants. The Cinmates have to play a desperate game here.
Their season is on the line. Me thinks the Giants will have a little
let down against a seemingly toothless opponent.

Denver -5 over Saints. This line seems off to me. Shouldn't the
Donkeys be giving like 9 here at home?

San Fran -4 over Det.

Rams +10 over Seahawks. Poor Seattle. If San Diego (according to Ron
Burgundy) is German for a female part of a whale's anatomy, Seattle is
Pawnee for the other end.

Cleveland +3 over Baltimore. See Cincy vs. NY. If the Browns lose this
their season is over.

Philly -3 over Pitt. Eagles could have a Monday night hangover, but the
Turd Burglar has a sore wing and a soft grape.

Jax +6 over Colts. Anyone catch the latest Viagra commercial? The one
where the dude throws the remote control out the window and waltzes to
the bedroom? Note to Pfizer.....you never, Never, NEVER disrespect the
remote. Why don't you just have a bunch of guys sitting in room
drinking Amstels, burning the American flag and bad mouthing John Wayne?
If I'm running Cialis add campaign I'd immediately run an add showing a
guy walking by the same house, picking up the remote, beat the other
dude with it and take his woman. Then he can tell his lady to chill
while he finishes watching the game because, um, he's got like 4 hours
right?

Dallas -3 over Packers. Over/under on Jessica Simpson
references......12. Over/under on Breet references......112.

Speaking of....Jets +10 over Ladudians. How delightful was last week?
Breet throws a juicy pick and my man Matty Cassell manages a tidy little
game. If Breet can't cover a 10 point spread in a must win game then
he's in for a long season. Wait, he just retired again. Wait, he's
coming back. Wait....

Mia +13 over Pats. Relax. Of course Pats win, but the days of them
covering two touchdown spreads is over for this season. Pennington
usually plays well in Foxboro. So do the fish. Pats 27, Mia 17.

Not a lot of humor this week. Not a lot of humor in the financial
markets. But the Pix must go on.....just like good old #1 Bernie
Carbo.

Pix Out.

.........Err............staring at blank
screen..............thinking........thinking............where to start?
How about a moment of silence?










Ok. (thanks to TC). Let's just get to the question of the year. Is
the season over? Does losing the most important, most popular, most
irreplaceable player on your team eight minutes into the first game of
the season mean that the season is, for all intents and purposes,
finished? The Pix was barely into his first can of deliciousness when
the bubbly Bud cam flying out of both nostrils and chicken wing hole.
Yikes and gadzooks. I think it was Bill Simmons this week who likened
the experience of losing Brady this early in the season to that of
being left at the altar. The only caveat to that the Pix would add is
that in this instance the groom has to immediately grab the hottest
bridesmaid, go through with the ceremony, and try to make a go of it.
The hottest bridesmaid in this case being Matt Cassell. Zoinks.

For those who know the Pix well, you know that "glass half full" would
not accurately describe the Pix. "Glass half empty" might be a stretch
too, come to think of it. More like "If glass is 9/10 full the fact
that 1/10 of the glass is missing is a deplorable travesty of
inter-galactic proportions." Why then, does the first thing that comes
to mind is the Pix' favorite scene from "Apollo 13"? When, asked to
give the President odds on the successful return of spacecraft and crew
(expecting not very good) Ed Harris snaps "Tell the President that I
think this will be our finest hour." And so, dear readers and Patriots
fans everywhere, the Pix says here that this will be our finest hour.
We get to be the underdogs again. Remember how much fun the 2001 season
was? And we get the added bonus of rooting against the biggest fraud of
a quarterback playing for the biggest traitor coach in a city so morally
bankrupt that the headline in their most widely read paper said "Yahoo"
in response to the league MVP getting his knee blown out. Make no
mistake. The Pix has it on good authority that Breet and Manjudas spent
the entire week molesting children, beating the elderly and spitting on
troops returning from Iraq. Not to mention that it's a poorly kept
secret that while in Green Bay, Breet was funding Al Qaeda through a
series of false charities while constantly increasing his carbon
footprint and writing speeches for Sarah Palin. Worse than all that,
however, comes this news.....he's personally bankrolling and overseeing
the return of "New Kidz on the Block". The Pix....

(Last week 12-4 vs. the spread. For entertainment purposes only)

Oak +4 vs. KC. Not only was the hit on Brady cheaper than one share of
Sirius, Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne "manos de piedra" Bowe complained the
refs cheated for the Pats by not throwing a flag on the final series of
the game. Look, Tony, Dwayne, The Pix knows living in KC can't be much
fun. Other than cooking meth in your basement, attending Royals games
and wondering why your uniforms haven't been redesigned since the
Kennedy administration there's not a whole lot to do. And who would
write about it if there were? But when you lose to a qb who hasn't
played meaningful time since high school, have a little perspective.

GB -3 over Detroit. Needless to say, the Pix will be rooting for the
Packers from now on. Now that they have removed the malignant, petulant
and flatulent tumor that is was and always will be Breet.

Chicago +4 over Carolina. Anyone else want to thank the Bears for
humiliating Pay me Manning and Mahatma Dungy on the night they open
their new stadium? And really? Lucas Oil Stadium? Really? I guess
Mino's roast beef didn't want to step up for the naming rights.

Tenn +1 over Cinmates. Wow. What's going on with Vince Young? Crazy?
Hyper-sensitive? Injured? The Pix knows this.....VY throws like a girl
and likes to dance half nude at all male clubs. Google "the big lead"
and check out pictures of Vince with his boys. Vito from the Sopranos
thinks Vince needs to be more discreet.

Buffalo +6 over Jax. Jags are overrated. Swampscott's own Dick Jauron
is underrated.

New Orleans even over Wash. Over/Under on Jim Zorn's employment status
is 8 weeks. Paging Mr. Cowher. Mr. Bill Cowher, please report to the
'skins front office to pick up your $40 million.

Indy -2 over Minn. Tavaris Jackson? Really? What the Vikings wouldn't
give for a stud QB like Matt Cassell....

Giants -9 over Rams. Woof.

SF + 9 over Seattle. It bears repeating.....until the Seahawks change
their uniforms from Calphalon non stick grey back to blue and green,
they will get no love from the Pix.

Atlanta +9 over Tampa. Brian Griese starting for the Bucs at QB. The
Pix remembers when Griese was leading Michigan to a national
championship, circa 1973...

Arizona -7 over Miami.

Denver -2 over SD. Incredible. Pix will be rooting for the Donkeys for
the first time since Lyle Alzado lined up for the "Orange Crush".
That's how despicable Ladudian Tampon, Norvil and Steroiman are. Bolts
should be thankful the Pix is saving the sword for the Jeets this week.

Pitt -5 over Cleveland. Note to Kellen Winslow Jr......The Pix would
like to purchase advertising space on the one square inch of your body
you don't currently have tattooed. What's the point, Kellen? And why
are you so angry with your parents? And what's with LeBron wearing
Yankees hats to Indians games and Cowboys jerseys to Browns games? Have
a little respect, man.

Dallas -7 over Philly. Would be different if game were in Philly (best
home fans in football). Donovan McNabb is to big games what Sarah Palin
is to press conferences. Non existent. Ann Frank was in hiding for
less time than Governor Palin has been since the nomination. She sort
of reminds me of the William Hurt character from "Broadcast News".
Totally phony, but so profoundly and unapologetically phony that it's
kind of endearing.

Bal at Houston. Hurricane Ike minus the points.

Pats +3 over Jeets. Oy Vey. It was suggested earlier this week to the
Pix that if Breet had stayed retired, there was a good chance the Pats
would have traded for his rights. Blasphemy! Sacrilege! The Pix would
rather see the Patriots go 1-15 with Cassell than go undefeated with
(holding nose) Breet playing for NE. The Pats are about team. Breet is
about Breet. And clubbing baby seals. With the Pats going into the
devil city as underdogs and the national media slurping all things
Jeets; rooting for the Pats for every yard, every first down, every
tackle will be an experience not felt as a Pats fan for a while. The
Pix can't wait for next week when the victorious Pats return to a
stadium that for too long has been filled with a sense of complacency
and entitlement. Cue Ed Harris.

Thanks for reading and enjoy the weekend.

The Pix.

What? You didn't think the NFL was starting? It has been a long and
mostly uneventful off season for both the Pix and the NFL. Rumors of a
certain quarterback coming out of retirement and changing teams
notwithstanding, the Pix has been fairly disappointed in the amount of
off-season unintentional comedy and shenanigans. Senator Craig seems to
have narrowed his seating stance. Paris, Lindsay, Brittany and the
girls have begun wearing underwear again and it appears Cher remains
retired. Hmmmm. What to opine on? What is there that the Comedy Gods
can give the Pix? Oh yeah....Gov Sarah Palin.

I know what you are saying. "Don't do it, Pix.""Don't get
political."Don't bring religion into the mix."I know. You are right.
But the Pix wouldn't be the Pix if he didn't get to throw a curve ball
now and again. As important as global Jihad against pickles and CVS is,
we need to focus today on one of the strangest political moves made in
our lifetimes; the selection of Sarah Palin to be John McCain's running
mate this fall.

Before we go any further, a little disclosure. The Pix is a pretty hard
core conservative who twice voted for Dan Quayle for Vice President.
And I'm sure young Sarah can spell Potato. In addition, the VAST
majority of source I will be using for this rant comes from Wikipedia.
In fact, NPR is vetting a story right now that someone from Palin's
staff edited large amounts of her WIKI bio within fifteen minutes of her
selection. So they have seen and are ok with whatever is up there. One
more thing....the Pix does not think he is Christopher Hitchens or
Maureen Dowd. And we'll get to football eventually. It's just that the
Pix has a feeling that these next few months of campaign will be more
like a MTV real world/road rules reality tv show than a robust political
contest. And the Pix loves him some reality TV.

Let's break Sarah down Pix style, shall we? Beginning with her
qualifications.......alright then. No, really, she's done a lot. Head
of the PTA, really good high school hoopster, beauty pageant runner up
and part time sports reporter for less than a year in Anchorage.
Graduated college in 5 years from Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho
College and finally the U of Idaho. Has been governor of America's
emptiest state for less than two years and was mayor of a town that is
less than half the size of Marblehead. Seriously, go and Google
Wasilla, Alaska. Go to images. See the town hall? Welcome back. It
must be nice to be able to pick up a slurpy, slim Jim and hog book while
you stop by to vote on the latest town budget override. Here's a quote
from Wikipedia, "In 2002 term limits prevented Palin from running for a
third term as Mayor. Her step mother-in-law, Faye Palin ran for office
but lost the election to Diane Keller after Sarah Palin endorsed Keller,
her cousin." What the?...? She endorsed her cousin over her step
mother-in-law? In related news, Sheriff Taylor endorsed Aunt B, who
lost the election to Floyd the barber after it was discovered that B's
campaign spokesperson, Goober, misappropriated funds from Opie's paper
route.

More political hijinks and tom-foolery....In 1997, Palin fired town
librarian over book titles that were "somehow morally and socially
objectionable." Worth noting here that the townspeople went ballistic
and Palin had to re-hire the librarian. Also worth noting that this
scene is eerily reminiscent of John Lithgow burning books as the mean
and half crazy pastor of some backwater church in Bomont. What, you
never saw "Footloose"? Everybody cut loose....footloose, ok, sorry.

Back to Palin. According to the New York Times, "Palin has traveled
very little outside the States. In July, 2002 she had to get a passport
to visit troops in Kuwait. Her spokesman, Bob Perritt, states that she
has also visited Canada." Um, so she's got that going for her, I guess.
Here's another gem from Wiki, "McCain's spokespeople point to her role
as Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard. Major General Craig
E. Campbell, immediate commander of the Alaska National Guard states
that Palin has no role in national defense activities relating to the
Guard"......but she HAS been to Canada, Right?

Listen, the Pix loves John McCain. Read his book. Voted for him over W
in the 2000 primary. But what's going on with Maverick? First he
forgets how many houses he owns and then he finds a running mate more
obscure than Oulan Bator and further to the right of the ancient ruler
of said region. Sarah Palin is kind of cute in a Tina Fey after several
cheeseburgers kind of way, and I'd love to party with the bird. Really,
Moose burgers, snow mobiles, hunting....sounds fun. The Pix just isn't
sure she, Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse and Roscoe are ready to break down NATO
treaties or lack thereof with Putin and DimitriMedvedev. Particularly
after she said she hasn't been really focused on "what's going on in
Iraq" and couldn't accept the nomination until "someone tells me exactly
what it is the Vice President does". The Pix isn't sure either, but it
has something to do with being ready on day 1 for something more than a
sewer zoning variance for the new town hockey rink. Just Sayin.

Then there's Trooper gate. For the sake of brevity, because this has
gone on much longer than the Pix had intended, she fired a state safety
official because he refused to fire a trooper who turned out to be
Palin's soon to be ex brother-in-law who was involved in a messy divorce
and custody suit with Palin's sister. Not to be confused with this
classic. "Um, He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's
brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid whose going
with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 flavors last night. I guess
it's pretty serious."

Anyhoo, the Pix....

Giants -4 over Skins.

NO -3 over TB.

Phi -7 over St Louis.

Jets -3 over Mia. You may have heard, the Jeets have new QB. More on
him next week.

Pats -16 over Kc.

Pitt -7 over Hous.

Cinmates even over Bal-a-mer.

Atlanta +3 over Det

Seattle even over Buff

Tenn +3 over Jax.

Dallas -4 over Cleve

Carolina +10 over Norvil and Ladudian

AZ -2 over SF

Chicago +10 over IND

GB -3 over Minn. This one's for the Walker boys. Who have had a tough
offseason.

Oak +3 over Donkeys

That's it. Pix week one is in the books. Next week...more jihad list
and futile attempts at sophomoric humor. Maybe some crude gender
related insults. In other words, more tradition.

As always, please feel free to reply to he Pix but never reply to all.
Fidelity doesn't like it and neither does the OC (Ovarian correspondent
for those who need a reminder). That's her domain. Enjoy the opening
weekend of NFL action. The Pix will be in the new official home with
official wife, children and friends with level 3 Pix clearance (anyone
with a 12 pack).

Not to say I told you so, but.....if anyone still has a copy of the
March Breet update, please feel free to forward it. The Pix was hoping
to take the summer off, but Breet being Breet, he had to interject
himself into the headlines due to the fact that there was nothing else
going on in the world. Midwest floods? $150 per barrel oil?
Presidential election? Credit crisis and plunging stock market?
Beijing Olympics? All irrelevant. Breet is Breet and he is more
important than anything. Just ask him.

One might assume the Pix is tired of Breet's act. Au Contraire. Would
a dog be tired of his favorite hydrant? Is Bill Gates tired of his
favorite ATM? Is John Stewart tired of W? Of course not. Breet and
the Pix share a special and timeless relationship. He is a hypocritical
donkey and the Pix is here to break it down.

Let's examine a few nuggets from the (two night!) interview this week
with Greta Van face lift/eye job. Breet bemoans the fact that he begged
the Packers to sign Randy Moss two years ago and they let him down. Boo
Hoo. It's bad enough to imply that your own receiving corps was sub
par. It's bad enough to EVER roll your teammates under the bus. In
this case it is also totally freaking delusional. In 2008 (when he was
SI sportsman of the year), his receivers were responsible for 51% of
Breet's total passing yards (with yards after catch). 2nd in the
league! So Donald Driver and Greg Jennings (not to mention one of the
most productive ground games in the NFL) carry Breet on their backs and
he goes on national television complaining that management didn't
surround him with enough talent. That would be like Seinfeld not
winning an Emmy and blaming it on the fact that Elaine, George and
Kramer weren't funny enough. And that oh by the way Larry David can't
write.

If Packer fans aren't the best fans in the NFL, they are at least in the
top three. This Prima Donna in no way deserves the loyalty of these
good people. Whether or not he was a great vs. good quarterback during
his career isn't debatable. He was great for the first 8 or so years
and mediocre after that. That's it. That's the deal. Does his
personality allow his legend to be exaggerated? Sure, a little. He
seemed like a nice guy. And he was a character. But watching the media
slurp and fall over themselves to worship at the altar of Breet has been
one of the most bizarre media fairy tales the Pix has ever witnessed.
Let's use television one more time to help us put things in perspective,
shall we? To say that Breet was even the best quarterback in Packer
history would be to say that "Laverne and Shirley" was the best show in
history based in Milwaukee. It wasn't, "Happy Days" was. Bart Starr is
"Happy Days". Look it up. Starr, 5 championships and a 9-1 lifetime
playoff record with the highest completion percentage in playoff
history. And he didn't get to feast on wild card teams. Breet, you are
Laverne. You are Shirley. Take Lenny and Squiggy and beat it back to
Kiln, Miss.

On second thought, welcome back. I missed my hydrant.


Until September (Seriously this time. No, seriously I'm not coming
back),

The Pix

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".....Dr. Seuss

"Don't go away mad, just go away".....Motley Crew

"Breet Sux". The Pix

Due to not just a few requests for some comments regarding the
retirement (supposedly) of the Pix' long time punching bag Breet, here
are some rapid fire shots....

Is he really gone? Somehow, like with the Clintons and the Yankees,
it's very hard to believe that the universe could actually be freed of
such a persistent pestilence. I firmly expect Breet "comeback" rumors
to swirl around the NFL this offseason. To wit: Breet supposedly spoke
to Randy Moss over the weekend to get him to come to GB. Breet's agent
also says that Packers management was conspicuously absent in regards to
the mandatory Jan and Feb slurpapalooza. So Breet wakes up Monday
morning feeling a little neglected and decides to take his ball and go
home. Whaaaa. So if the Packers get Moss and beg Breet to return he
comes back? Whatever. This dude is more fickle than a high school diva
agonizing over who get's the privalege of taking her to the prom. Trust
the Pix, we haven't heard the last of Breet. Even if he takes the year
off, '09 is a possibility. Maybe he can link up with Debbie Clemens,
get some of that good HGH and sign with the team in November if the Pack
gets off to a slow start. Too bad Peter King is in Afghanistan right
now. This must be killing him. I just don't think it's over yet....just
sayin'.

Let's get to the real news of the day. Idol contestant David Hernandez
is being outed by CNN that he used to work at a male strip joint giving
lap dances to dudes and dancing for tips. Wait, there's a male Idol
contestant being "outed" and it's not Danny Noriega? What the....?

To be fair, almost all the male contestants this year could be starring
in a off broadway production of "The Birdcage". They seriously should
bag bringing in Bon Jovi this year and just turn the show over to Elton
John, George Michael and Nathan Lane. Danny Noriega makes Sanjaya look
like John Wayne on Dianabol. And that 17 year old midget isn't fooling
me either. He's as sincere as the afformentioned Hillary trying to
pretend she's anti NAFTA and not sending pictures of Obama dressed like
Al Zarqawi around the internet faster than Bill can download the latest
pics from "Hottestmyspacechix.com". Admit it, you looked it up.

Finally, let's just get this out of the way so we don't have to lead off
next season with it. Thegamethatshallnotbementioned. It was horrible.
I'm not remotely prepared to discuss it. The only potential balm for
the wound will be watching the Sox get their World Series rings again.
In front of the Yankees. Again. Hopefully that will help. Deep down
though, I believe that as much as I believe Breet is really retiring and
the Clintons will be exiting the political landscape.

"I voted before the war before I voted against it". John Kerry

"For the first time in three years I didn't feel like this was my last
game. I would like to continue" Breet, Jan 21, 2008.

"I know I can still play, I'm just tired". Breet, March 3, 2008.

Just Sayin'.....

of the Pix has mercifully arrived. No more Breet, no
more Ladudian, no more Turd Burglar. It's been a long season and one
that Pats fans will have reason to remember for the rest of our lives.
There was comedy, there was tragedy and there were multiple cans of
deliciousness consumed. We updated the Jihad list, the boycot list and
let our thoughts be known on subjects ranging from Darfur to Britney to
Thomas'English muffins. The Mangina Manjudas took it in the seat and
Mohatma Dungy got his just deserts as well. Once again the Guru stands
at the threshold of immortality and readers of the Pix were along for
the entire ride. Well done, my friends. But before we go and before
the final pick is made, some current events and headlines have demanded
commentary. Let's break them down Pix style, shall we?

The NBA Players association met with the Toronto Raptors this week to
remind some of the players of their fiscal responsibilities. It seems
that 5 years after retiring from pro hoops and earning an average salary
of 5 million dollars a year, 60% of NBA players are broke. Busted.
Bankrupt. Um............the Pix knows how to spend a little glue and
has been known to make the occasional impulse purchase, but blowing
through 25 million in 5 years? 60% of them? How expensive has "the
chronic" or whatever designer version of stinkweed players are inhaling
become? It is understood that the NFL is all about getting a ring and
the NBA all about the bling, but this statistic has a normally skeptical
Pix apoplectic. The official wife does have somewhat of a posse, or
entourage if you will, but the most that usually costs us is a couple of
grilled cheese sandwiches at the muffin shop and 6 diapers a day.
Fortunatley for the Pix, he has narrowed his life down to one official
wife. Not so, apparently, Jason Caffey. Mr.Caffey, formerly of the
world champion Chicago Bulls and who had earned a reported 30 million or
so during his career, has recently filed for bankruptcy. He seeks to
protect himself from creditors who include 8 children by 7 different
women. Bonne Chance Monsieur Caffey and fellow NBA ballers, maybe the
diamond and gold necklaces and earings weren't such a great idea after
all. And put down the glock.

On a more positive note, people might be wondering what to watch on TV
after the football season is over, and the Pix has just the thing. It
was recently brought to the Pix' attention that the greatest TV show of
all time is returning for it's third season on Feb 11. A show that
features one of the most original entertainment icons of the last 30
years and whose quest for true love is both noble and inspiring. The
Pix refers, of course, to Flava Flav and his incredibly uplifting show,
"Flavor of Love 3". In what can only be described as an upset of global
proportions, Flav didn't find his true soulmate in either of the 1st two
seasons. He did, however, manage to cohabitate with some of America's
finest dancers, aspiring actresses and single moms.....giving them all
hope and a chance at becoming Mrs. Flava Flav, complete with the gold
grill and the 7 kids he already supports. This years lovelies have
nicknames just like the girlz from seasons one and two. Some examples,
you ask? Certainly. There's: Myammee, Q-tee, Prancer, Sinceer,
Sheeninz, Bunz, Grayvee, Ice (the pix favorite) and lastly a set of
twins he affectionatley refers to Thing 1 and Thing 2. It may be argued
by some that Flav is not advancing the feminist movement... and perhaps
that's true. But Flav can't help that he's a hopeless romantic who is
just trying to carve out a small piece of the American dream for
himself. So here's to you Monsieur Flav, the Pix toasts you and salutes
you. May you never run out of deliciousness and may the network execs
keep this show running for years to come. It is truly the gift that
keeps on giving.

Finally, it's on to football. Sen. Arlen Specter was quoted in today's
NY Times that he has sent a letter to Commissioner Goodel that Congress
wants to know why he destroyed all the tapes the Patriot sent them as a
result of the Spygate investigation. Just when the Pix thought there
was no one left out there dumb enough to provide motivation to the Guru
and his players, along comes this bozo who wants to grandstand for his
Pennsylvania constituents. Not that he's bitter about that 2004
beatdown where his QB ran the 2 minute offense by crawling and puking up
the field in a performance more disturbing than Uda Pippig's last 1/4
mile of the 1996 Boston Marathon. In fact, Eli might want to strap on
some Depends because he may just end up resembling Ms. Pippig after
Seymour and Vrabel get done with him. The G-men just don't have the
horses. The thing about a 2 week layoff before the Superbowl is that
it's just enough time for the media to write themselves into the false
hopes that a team like the Giants can hang with these Pats. It's not
going to happen. There was NO PRESSURE on the Giants in week 16 when
they gave us their best shot and still go swatted away in the end. Eli
had absolutely nothing to lose in that game nor in any of the subsequent
games. Not so this week. He carries the pressure of the country's
largest media outlet as well as the Manning name and he goes up against
nothing less than the greatest team in the history of the game. True
story: In mini camp this summer, before even the first exhibition game
had been played, Vinny Testaverde was overheard saying he thought the
'07 Pats were the greatest team ever. And he hadn't seen Moss play yet.
Vinny is 71 years old and has seen a thing or two. Patriots 41, Giants
17.

That's it my friends. It's been fun writing this season and getting all
the great feedback from you guys. The Pix returns in September of '08.
Be well. Go Pats.

Pix out.

Championship week is upon us and we can't get to Sunday fast enough. If
for no other reason that the market can't tank again on Saturday. The
Pix has had a worse week than vacationers in Kenya. Multiple cans of
deliciousness will be needed to numb the pounding sans lube that has
been the financial markets for the month of January. Fortunately for
those of us who are Pats fans, at least the weekends offer hope....a
commodity seen less and less these days. Before we get to the football,
some random observations from a world gone a little meshugena .....

Official wife is due April 29 with official child #3 and we can't seem
to agree on names this time. Since we would ultimately like the child
to be athletic, the Pix looked at some names picked from recent articles
about high school recruiting for men's and women's NCAA teams. Some
male samples (real names from top '07 football recruits): Dontavius,
Allante, Dejuan, Cordale, Kemonte, Kavario, Shelvin, Boubacar, Lavunce,
Givon, Jrue and Aldarious. We're leaning towards Winslow. Some female
(2005 top women's hoops recruits): Kym, Keshonda, Sherrell, Davanei,
Rashanda, Nnenna, Marneshia, Dortae, Ketura, Lavesa, Marquitta, Roney,
Impriss and Tainisoutti. Um, I've always liked Jennifer.

The Australian open started this week and it's time the truth comes out
about Justine Henin. Formerly Henin-Hardenne, but pronounced Ena.
She's irritating beyond words. She can't pronounce her own name and I
have long suspected that she is a tranny. If nothing else, the WPTA
needs her to pee in cup. She has the body of Wes Welker and the jaw
line of Howie Long.

Going back to names for a moment, whatever happened to the trend of
inserting the word "ice" in your name somewhere? There was Ice Tea, Ice
Cube and Vanilla Ice and then..........no more "ice". The Pix thinks
this is unfortunate because "Ice Pix" has kind of a nice ring to it.
Just sayin'.

Speaking of Just Sayin', it has been too long since we have reached out
to the Ovarian correspondent for illumination and revelation. Let's put
the OC to work, shall we? Here's the topic.....Rachel Ray. We all know
what she must have been like in college. The girl everybody liked to
party with but no one really dated. Always fun and up and chipper and
not terrible looking but after 5 minutes you just needed to turn the
sound off. An over-laugher and liberal toucher. But then you'd be in a
4-5 week slump and needed to grab some low hanging fruit just to turn
things around. So you get loaded at the midwinter's formal and end up
wondering on Sunday morning how to get Rachel out of the house before
the boys notice and before she can quiz you about how this changes the
dynamics of your friendship. It ends how it ends and the point of this
rant is this.....10 years go by and you see her on TV. And then she
blows up and becomes a national celebrity who's annual income is
multiple hugeness. And you have to ask yourself, did you blow it? You
could have been Mr. Ray. She was way into you. Regrets? So the
question for the OC is this, what's the male corrollary to the Rachel
Ray question? And if that's too serious, just answer this, how does a
short pear shaped weird sounding average chick whose only discernable
skills are making "sammies" and "stoups" in under 30 minutes wind up
with 3 tv shows and a magazine? The Pix.......

Breet -9 over NY. Who cares. Let's just move on. Wait, no Breet
comments you say? Let's just say this, from now through the Super Bowl,
Breetapalooza will be in full flaming force. The only way things could
get worse is if Hillary wins the nomination and announces Breet as her
running mate. He could obvioulsly fix the housing crisis and wipe out
STAPH before breakfast. The NFL has hired 5 extra refs for this game
whose families are being held hostage in remote locations only to be
released if GB wins.

*******GAMBLING ALERT********** Mr. Vegas has just announced he will be
teasing GB and SD for the weekend. For the great unwashed, that means
he gets 6 points from the house and will have GB -3 and SD +20. Just so
you know....



NE -14 over SD. I'm trying to get nervous for this game, but just
can't. SD's head coach is named Norvil. Seriously, Norvil. Randy Moss
could take a baseball bat to a women's shelter and the Guru is not
losing to Norvil. Ladudian is gimpy, Merriman has the flu and Rivers is
as emotionally stable as Brit Brit after a fifth of Grey Goose and a
blown custody hearing. Having said all this, if something unimaginable
happens here, the Pix will be joining the boys from the Heaven's Gate
cult and look for the Hale-Bop comet with my phenobarbital and glad bag
combo.


So in the interest of self preservation and one final Pix column for the
year, Go Pats.

Apologies for the sabatical. The Pix received some important
information over the holidays that required some personal reflection and
no small amount of research. Only after some significant soul searching
and multiple cans of deliciousness was the Pix finally able to accept
and in turn embrace the new reality that is the Pix' existence. Some
background......The surname Case is generally believed to be of English
(mostly Welsh) origin. A little Scotish, very little Irish and an even
smaller amount of German. However, the official father of the Pix
recently purchased a book on all immigrants who came to America sharing
the surname Case. The results of said purchase have resulted in a
startling development that still has the Pix surprised, confused,
relieved and ultimately delighted. It seems that a very small number of
Cases actually hail from the 3rd largest Greek isle. That of Lesbos.
Indeed, my friends, it seems the Pix is...in fact...at least
partially.....a Lesbian. Truth be told, the Pix has long suspected
this. A long time admirer of the poetic works of Sappho and Lesbians in
general, the Pix has always felt a kindred spirit and attraction to his
people. It seemed that a little further research would be a good idea,
though, so the Pix immediatley went on line and purchased several dvd's
and magazines to explore this new revelation in regards to family
history. In fact, the Pix even encouraged the official wife to join him
in a journey to Lesbos and embracing the culture and tradition of their
fellow islanders. Alas, the official wife is Irish and is pretty much
all set with that. The Pix........

Ny at Dallas. The G men are riding high after putting a scare into the
Pats and going on the road to upset the Bucs. The Pix just has a
feeling that the momentum can continue for at least one more week. NY
has won something like 8 consecutive road games this year ( the last
loss in Dallas in week 1) and is playing the best football of any team
outside of New England right now. TO will be a little gimpy as high
ankle sprains are hard to get over. Romo has a spotty record in big
games. Giants 27, Dallas 23.

SD at Indy. This one will be over by halftime. Without Gates to open
up the middle of the field, Rivers will have to rely on Chambers and
Jackson to get open just under the corners against Indy's cover 2 (which
Dungy invented in Tampa) while waiting for Bob Sanders to arrive and
decapitate them. Not happening. Colts put 8 in the box to restrain
Ladudian and the Bolts will go back to SD whining that, well, whatever.
They always have an excuse. The Pix says if you actually have to do
stuff with your family this weekend, this is the game to miss. Indy 42,
SD 14.

Sea at GB. There Breet goes again. It's playoff week and the only
thing Breet talked about was whether or not he'll be back next year.
Apparently, breaking Blanda's all time interception record wasn't
enough, Breet wants to shatter it. At this point, however, the Pix
wouldn't know what to do without Breet in his life. Who to obsess
about, Clemens? Hillary? Country Wide Financial? No, we need Breet.
And we need him to lose to Seattle this week if only to see Peter King
spit up his double mocha decaf latte. Hawks 17, Breet 13.

Jags at Juggernaut. Thanks for stopping by, boys. See you next year.
Mike Huckabee has a better chance of winning the Democratic nomination
than the Jags have of winning in Foxboro. Their d line is dinged up and
the Pats are rested and ready. The Guru will not be denied his place in
history by a team led by Jack Del Rio and David Garrard. This is a
beatdown. Pats 35, Jags 7.