So let's not waste any time this week and just get right to the business of breaking down the planet Pix style. Assad shut down the Syrian internets yesterday, our Congress seems unable or unwilling to begin progress addressing the fiscal cliff, and Lindsay Lohan was arrested again Wednesday night for punching another bird in the beak. In less surprising news, the Pix failed to win 575 million dollars at power ball. Unfortunate. Although, given that the Mayans have foretold the end of mankind on December 21, even if the Pix hired Lenny Dykstra and Curt Shilling to manage the money while partying with Mike Tyson and Antoine Walker in Vegas, it would be difficult to blow that kind of glue in just four weeks. The Pix feels sorry that the Power-ball winners will have such little time to enjoy their cash.
All of those stories fail to move the needle, however, compared to running gong show in Jersey. The Pix refers, of course, to the 2012 New York Jets. The good people who make Cialis might warn of 4 hour erections (and the potential adverse effects of said condition), but there is no way to prepare for the 5 day missile the Pix sported in his nether region after the beat down that the Patriots put on the Jets last Thursday. For the sake of Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh, Jesus, Lombardi and Brad Lord, the Jets should really just do the right thing and resign from the league. Honestly, like just quit. Save face. We even forced that Jersey retard fossil "fireman Ed" into retirement. Granted, his 15 minutes were up a decade ago, but after reaching the AFC championship game 2 years in a row, you had to figure (if you were a Jets fan) that at the very least you could look forward to a modest yet semi-respectable Bengal type existence. At least for a COUPLE of years. Instead, the Guru reloads and puts a .38 caliber slug right in your temple. DAYUM....
That..
Just.....
Happened.....
If Hurricane Sandy was the fist for the New York/Jersey region, the Jets are the decided and prolonged lack of lube.
The Pix:
Bears -4 over Seattle. The Pix has been in the woods for the past week and has had very little time to read the news, but why were the Seahawks db's not suspended? Moving on....
Houston -6 at Titans. The Pix doesn't know much about computers, but the iPad mini just doesn't seem like it makes sense at all. If anything, the Pix would prefer a larger tablet. Call it the iPad Maxi. Or Maxi pad. Wait, scratch that.
Bills -6 over Slaguars. So, it's been a big week for drugs in sports. Brandon Marshall says players are taking viagra, several players suspended for Adderall, and the Honey Badger signed up for the NFL draft. Honey Badger won the award for best defensive player in college football last year and then proceeded to puff himself out of the game by burning more tree than Bob Marley. The Pix' question is, so what? Obviously, weed is not a performance enhancer....unless you think snacking on Oreos and playing X box makes you run faster. And given that 98% of the NBA is ripping bingos as the Pix types these words, one could reasonably expect that other sports could adopt a saner approach to glaucoma cures. Pix would love to see the Honey Badger don the flying Elvis in 2013.
Arizona +5 over Jets. Just wondering.....out of the 60,000 fans at the Meadowlands, can anyone else fill in for "Fireman Ed"? Here is the one requirement: You must be able to spell J-E-T-S. Let's hope they can find someone before Sunday.
SF -7 at Rams. The Pix is very conflicted about Jim Harbaugh. When he was the QB for the Bears and Colts, he was a scrappy underdog. When he took the Stanford job, he was the the likable kid trying to compete with big brothers USC and Oregon. Then he took over a moribund 49er franchise that had been churning through coaches faster than Rex Ryan goes through his wife's sock drawer. What confuses the Pix is that the moment he started to have any success in the NFL he instantly morphed into a completely insufferable PUTZ. The Pix doesn't have a joke here....just an observation.
Bengals -1 at Chargers. The Pix finally had a lingering and bothersome question answered this week....what is the name of the fat kid on that tv show I never watch that I want to punch in the face so badly? Introducing Angus T. Jones...perhaps the least self aware human in the world. Huge surprise to the Pix that religion was behind Angus' retarded rant. Shocker. Evidently, the minister who inspired Angus is a gay bashing conspiracy theorist who thinks cannibals are on the verge of taking over New York City. Although, technically, if Rex chews his bird's foot off, he may have a point. What baffles the Pix more than anything is that Two and a half Men has been on television for 10 years. There's something very wrong with the universe if Hogan's Heroes only makes it 6 seasons, The Rockford Files 5, and Joanie Loves Chachi only 2. Doesn't. Make. Sense. Not to mention that Erin Moran is now a homeless crack ho and Angus T. pulls in 330 large per episode. Oh, the Humanity.
Dolphins +9 over Patriots. Please, don't think it has gone unnoticed that the winning formula of the Pix betting against the Pats has resulted in their 5 game winning streak. As usual, the men of Belichick are peaking as the second half of the season progresses. Predictably, Uwana M'diq has tightened up the secondary and the Patriot's defense is turning the ball over in a consistently pleasing fashion. It says here the Taliban has a pick 6 this week. And good friend Mador will be our embedded reporter in Miami on Sunday representing the 781.
That is it and that is all for the Pix this week. A little longer than usual to make up for last week's bagel. Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Pix out
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
General Nonsense
The internets have been busy this week. It appears that the former head of the Culinary Institute of America had gay sex with Elmo, Rapelisburger almost died due to a sore shoulder, Yobama wants to give ice cream to lots of Mexicans, and Phil Jackson wants to be made emperor of Los Angeles......or else. Lots to break down......let's get to it. The Pix:
Dallas -7 over Cleveland. CNN reported yesterday that people are suing the makers of 5 HOUR ENERGY. Apparently, drinking shit tons of caffeine can have adverse side effects. In other breaking news, drinking water may hydrate you and 3 glasses of chardonnay may make your bird somewhat more affectionate (Happy Birthday to the official wife). Seriously, to imply that there is causality between drinking 5 hour energy and 13 people dying in the past 4 years is a little bit of a stretch, no? Don't lots of people die?Like all the time? CEO Manoj Bhargava thinks so.....then again, if you are paying 5 bucks for a tablespoon of caffeine at 7-11 made by Manoj Bhargava because you are drowsy......you just might be a reTARD. In other news, the Pix would like America to just settle down. Too many people running around and needing more energy. Allow the Pix to present a new product to the marketplace. 5 HOUR LETHARGY. Or as the good people of Colorado call it......weed.
Rams -3 over Jets. It is now coming out that several of Tim Jebow's team mates think he "stinks", or "can't play"...and "is terrible". Well, then. Somehow it's just not that much fun hazing the Jets when they are making fun of themselves. How about the Jets players stick to sucking and leave the jokes to the Pix? Mkay? Great, thanks, good talk.
Slaguars +98 vs Texans. The Pix read this morning that Hostess is filing for chapter 11 and is laying off all its employees. Normally the Pix doesn't like to get involved in labor disputes, but the reason Hostess is closing their doors is due to a strike. This is just a hunch, but perhaps the good employees of the Hostess Company have miscalculated the global demand for Wonder Bread? Just sayin'.
Cardinals +10 vs Falcons. So US soccer goalie Hope Solo married rapist booze bag woman batterer Jerramy Stevens yesterday. One day after Jerramy was arrested for assaulting her. As most readers know, the Pix is reluctant to give marital advice.....but here's a little for the future ex Mrs. Stevens......Get. The HELL. OUT. Aside from being unable to spell Jeremy, Jerramy Stevens has a rap sheet that makes the Turd Burglar look like Mitt Romney. Seriously, look this guy up on the Google. Biggest douche bag ever. The Pix has always thought Hope Solo is a pretentious stain, but marrying JERRAMY is just beyond unfortunate. Hope Solo? Hopeless Duo.
Ravens -4 over Steelers. Speaking of 2 time rapists, the Turd Burglar is at it again. The Pix has been watching Rapelisburger fake and exaggerate injuries for too many years to take this pu**y seriously any more. Last week against the Chiefs, Big Turd got some sand in his vagina and he now says he could have died. Apparently he had a rib poke his ovaries and he has a bruised wing too. Whatever. The Steeler slurpers at gay-spn will talk about what a tough guy he is when he comes back next week. Then again, the Pix doesn't expect much from an network that devotes 50% of their coverage to a back up quarterback who plays on the punt team.
Skins -3 over Eagles. So General Betray-us had a bit of a problem keeping his tent pole in his trousers. Yawn. A quick perusal of the google images reveals all we need to know about this sordid (predictable) affair. Holly Petraeus isn't exactly "Miss Kandahar" and the bird who spent 2 years worshipping the General and writing his biography was available. That is it and that is all. Really, Generals are vain and susceptible to flattery? NO!!! The Pix' favorite part of this developing story is this Jill Kelly bird. Love her. Every picture of her on the internets has her posing with her head thrown diagonally into the neck of whatever dude she is trying to shag. Charo was more subtle, and her catch phrase was "cuchi cuchi".
Colts +10 over Pats. If you listened to the Pix last week, and I know you did, you were told to take Buffalo and the points. Other than adding Uliq M'diq to the roster, not much else has changed. The guru seems intent on letting opposing quarterbacks sit in the pocket for an oil change while the secondary defends like a loose stool. Did that make sense? No? Um.....what the Pix is trying to say is that if I have to watch another 4th quarter come back at Foxboro led by the likes of Bobby Thigpen, Ryan Fitzpatrick and/or Marc Wilson the Pix is going to take multiple hostages.....and lock them in a room with the dude who plays Elmo, General Cheatraeus, Jerramy, and the Turd. That is all.
Lastly, again, happy birthday to the insanely wonderful official wife. The Pix is reminded of a quote from Jerry Maguire, "You don't know what is like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up at dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?"
The Pix knows it takes (now from "American President") an advanced degree in relationships to live with el Pixie. Up at dawn siege? Yes, yes it is. So here's a shout out to the Dayesy. The official wife. The most tolerant person on earth. The best mother and wife ever. I love you.
Pix Out
(or is he in?)
Dallas -7 over Cleveland. CNN reported yesterday that people are suing the makers of 5 HOUR ENERGY. Apparently, drinking shit tons of caffeine can have adverse side effects. In other breaking news, drinking water may hydrate you and 3 glasses of chardonnay may make your bird somewhat more affectionate (Happy Birthday to the official wife). Seriously, to imply that there is causality between drinking 5 hour energy and 13 people dying in the past 4 years is a little bit of a stretch, no? Don't lots of people die?Like all the time? CEO Manoj Bhargava thinks so.....then again, if you are paying 5 bucks for a tablespoon of caffeine at 7-11 made by Manoj Bhargava because you are drowsy......you just might be a reTARD. In other news, the Pix would like America to just settle down. Too many people running around and needing more energy. Allow the Pix to present a new product to the marketplace. 5 HOUR LETHARGY. Or as the good people of Colorado call it......weed.
Rams -3 over Jets. It is now coming out that several of Tim Jebow's team mates think he "stinks", or "can't play"...and "is terrible". Well, then. Somehow it's just not that much fun hazing the Jets when they are making fun of themselves. How about the Jets players stick to sucking and leave the jokes to the Pix? Mkay? Great, thanks, good talk.
Slaguars +98 vs Texans. The Pix read this morning that Hostess is filing for chapter 11 and is laying off all its employees. Normally the Pix doesn't like to get involved in labor disputes, but the reason Hostess is closing their doors is due to a strike. This is just a hunch, but perhaps the good employees of the Hostess Company have miscalculated the global demand for Wonder Bread? Just sayin'.
Cardinals +10 vs Falcons. So US soccer goalie Hope Solo married rapist booze bag woman batterer Jerramy Stevens yesterday. One day after Jerramy was arrested for assaulting her. As most readers know, the Pix is reluctant to give marital advice.....but here's a little for the future ex Mrs. Stevens......Get. The HELL. OUT. Aside from being unable to spell Jeremy, Jerramy Stevens has a rap sheet that makes the Turd Burglar look like Mitt Romney. Seriously, look this guy up on the Google. Biggest douche bag ever. The Pix has always thought Hope Solo is a pretentious stain, but marrying JERRAMY is just beyond unfortunate. Hope Solo? Hopeless Duo.
Ravens -4 over Steelers. Speaking of 2 time rapists, the Turd Burglar is at it again. The Pix has been watching Rapelisburger fake and exaggerate injuries for too many years to take this pu**y seriously any more. Last week against the Chiefs, Big Turd got some sand in his vagina and he now says he could have died. Apparently he had a rib poke his ovaries and he has a bruised wing too. Whatever. The Steeler slurpers at gay-spn will talk about what a tough guy he is when he comes back next week. Then again, the Pix doesn't expect much from an network that devotes 50% of their coverage to a back up quarterback who plays on the punt team.
Skins -3 over Eagles. So General Betray-us had a bit of a problem keeping his tent pole in his trousers. Yawn. A quick perusal of the google images reveals all we need to know about this sordid (predictable) affair. Holly Petraeus isn't exactly "Miss Kandahar" and the bird who spent 2 years worshipping the General and writing his biography was available. That is it and that is all. Really, Generals are vain and susceptible to flattery? NO!!! The Pix' favorite part of this developing story is this Jill Kelly bird. Love her. Every picture of her on the internets has her posing with her head thrown diagonally into the neck of whatever dude she is trying to shag. Charo was more subtle, and her catch phrase was "cuchi cuchi".
Colts +10 over Pats. If you listened to the Pix last week, and I know you did, you were told to take Buffalo and the points. Other than adding Uliq M'diq to the roster, not much else has changed. The guru seems intent on letting opposing quarterbacks sit in the pocket for an oil change while the secondary defends like a loose stool. Did that make sense? No? Um.....what the Pix is trying to say is that if I have to watch another 4th quarter come back at Foxboro led by the likes of Bobby Thigpen, Ryan Fitzpatrick and/or Marc Wilson the Pix is going to take multiple hostages.....and lock them in a room with the dude who plays Elmo, General Cheatraeus, Jerramy, and the Turd. That is all.
Lastly, again, happy birthday to the insanely wonderful official wife. The Pix is reminded of a quote from Jerry Maguire, "You don't know what is like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up at dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?"
The Pix knows it takes (now from "American President") an advanced degree in relationships to live with el Pixie. Up at dawn siege? Yes, yes it is. So here's a shout out to the Dayesy. The official wife. The most tolerant person on earth. The best mother and wife ever. I love you.
Pix Out
(or is he in?)
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Playoff Pixapalooza
So 2013 has begun and there are obviously many interesting stories to blog about. Liestrong's two decade fraud, Manti Gay'O and his fake girlfriend, Rex Ryan's bizarre tattoo, Gerard Depardieu's citizenship issues.....many options. But the Pix doesn't want to pick the low hanging fruit. No sophomoric jokes and childish word play. For once the Pix wants to tackle the serious news. The story too grizzly for the main stream media. So lock your doors and windows, hide the kids and crate the pets......it's about to get real in the Pix hizzouse. The Pix refers, of course, to today's rumor that Tiger and Elin are considering getting remarried.
According to the Daily Mail of London, Tiger has proposed to the husband beater and even has offered a 200 million dollar prenuptial cheating clause. This, of course, is a travesty. Like most victims of domestic violence, Tiger doesn't seem able to cut the cord with his attacker. Stockholm syndrome? Perhaps.....but the Pix think Tiger's self esteem issues go deeper and could be the result of years of verbal (have you ever heard someone speak Swedish? Painful, it's worse than listening to Mike Tyson sing) as well as physical abuse.
The Pix, of course, does not condone Tiger's wanderings. To be sure, he was quite mischievous and his moral compass lacked a little mercury. But as the official mother taught the Pix, violence is never the answer. And two wrongs don't make a right. The fact that Tiger refused to prosecute after the night of his "accident" is suspicious, and it is obvious that Elin is intimidating Tiger back into her pale skinny arms. The Pix doesn't know what nefarious game Elin is playing here, but the Pix will be watching her......And her flaxen hair and giant cans.
Speaking of harmonious marital relations, the Pix was amused this past weekend when he overheard the official wife make her bread choice in the sandwich line for lunch. After the Pix ordered the turkey and swiss wrap, the OW chimed in that she would also like turkey and swiss......on a baguette. Cringe, eye roll, sigh. People, there is a time and a place for a baguette....never and France. Baguette's are, on average, four inches tall. To add insult to injury, the poor delusional OW ordered lettuce and tomato....making the sandwich roughly as tall as a four month old Leonberger. (BTW, shouldn't Leonbergers be black? Sorry, that was raycess).
Here's the list of people who can eat an 8" high sandwich:
1. Mick Jagger
2. Tina Turner
3. Bigfoot
That's it, that's the list. So the official wife wrestles sandwichzilla for a few minutes before giving up and throwing out the baguette and asking for a wrap for her to attempt to surgically repair this disaster. The result was something that resembled Jackson Pollack's toilet paper. Poor thing....she did look hot in her new ski outfit though.
Quick Pix....or as Dan Shaughnessy would say, "picked up pieces while wondering if Mayor Menino has an IQ above 55?" (Answer, NO)
The Lance thing......the Pix doesn't give a flying bat sack about EPO, transfusions, etc. They were all cheating. But there should be a special place in hell for people who sue without merit and use their power to beat down folks who can't afford a legal battle. Despicable. Lance Ass-strong ruined people's lives and did so with malice of forethought. He should spend the rest of his life penniless and shamed beyond the ability to function. At the same time, give him back the 7 yellow jerseys. Those he did earn. Plus, the French are gay. And he essentially exchanged fame for going down in history as perhaps the worst human ever. That's the deal he made. Enjoy, Lance.
Ok.....Manti Gay'o and the techincolor dream girlfriend/beard. Sigh. The only thing the Pix knows about Catfish is that it should be lightly dredged in seasoned flour and fried in scent free oil. Like canola or grapeseed. Maybe serve with a lemon garlic aoli? Hmmm, yes, pleasing. Oh, and the Guru perpetrated this hoax all along so MAN loving 'TI slips in the draft and the Patriots have Stinkovich's replacement for the next decade.
Is it just the Pix, or are standard size Kleenex just a little thin and small for cold season? For starters, the Pix has an plus size beak, and depending on nostril hair maintenance, snot volume may or may not be contained by garden variety kleenex. Maybe Kleenex should follow Trojan's lead and come out with Kleenex Magnums? Lately, the Pix has been going the paper towel route, but unless the OW buys the pre-cut half size paper towels, Pixie tries to tear a towel in half and it ends up in the shape of Idaho. So you then wrap the skinny end above the beak and use the fat end for booger capture. Sub optimal.
Oh, um, 49ers 38, Dirty Birdz 24.
So Dunkin Donuts has unveiled a new breakfast sandwich featuring turkey sausage and egg whites. Idiots. There is only one authority on breakfast sandwiches and it is the Pix. There are only two Pix approved creations: the McDonalds sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit, and the sausage egg and cheese on croissant from DD (sesame bagel in an emergency or like if you are an astronaut in space and that's all NASA gave you). DD is touting their new breakfast turd claiming it has 400 calories. Memo to the marketing drones at DD, have you seen the fatties that eat fast food breakfast sandwiches? Do they look like calorie counters to you? Jillian Michaels isn't at the drive through crushing turkey sausage sandwiches. It is I, the Pix, who is hungover and in desperate need of my 710 calorie 51 grams of fat deliciousness bomb. The Pix has spoken.
Lastly, a little game the Pix likes to call the AFC championship game. While RAYSPN slurps the retiring double murder accomplice (allegedly), the Guru and Brady silently prepare their ambush. There's one thing that worries the Pix a little, though. God. Evidently he likes the Ravens. As Ray Lewis told Sal Palontonio after vanquishing perrenial playoff puking pussy Peyton, "No man can change what God has blessed". Yeesh, the Pix wishes I knew that before I wasted 4 hours watching one of best football games EVER. The outcome was pre-ordained by a higher power? Pix could have used that knowledge. Well, here's a little information for the dancing felon, Terrell Thuggs, Unibrow Flaccid and the rest of the Baltimore poseurs.....higher powers will, indeed be at work Sunday. They are called Brady, Welker, Solder, Hernandez, Wilfork, Mayo, Ninkovitch (ok, I admit it) and the GURU. Because Fraud week is over, people. Pats 31, Gayvens 24.
See you all Super Bowl week.
Pix out
According to the Daily Mail of London, Tiger has proposed to the husband beater and even has offered a 200 million dollar prenuptial cheating clause. This, of course, is a travesty. Like most victims of domestic violence, Tiger doesn't seem able to cut the cord with his attacker. Stockholm syndrome? Perhaps.....but the Pix think Tiger's self esteem issues go deeper and could be the result of years of verbal (have you ever heard someone speak Swedish? Painful, it's worse than listening to Mike Tyson sing) as well as physical abuse.
The Pix, of course, does not condone Tiger's wanderings. To be sure, he was quite mischievous and his moral compass lacked a little mercury. But as the official mother taught the Pix, violence is never the answer. And two wrongs don't make a right. The fact that Tiger refused to prosecute after the night of his "accident" is suspicious, and it is obvious that Elin is intimidating Tiger back into her pale skinny arms. The Pix doesn't know what nefarious game Elin is playing here, but the Pix will be watching her......And her flaxen hair and giant cans.
Speaking of harmonious marital relations, the Pix was amused this past weekend when he overheard the official wife make her bread choice in the sandwich line for lunch. After the Pix ordered the turkey and swiss wrap, the OW chimed in that she would also like turkey and swiss......on a baguette. Cringe, eye roll, sigh. People, there is a time and a place for a baguette....never and France. Baguette's are, on average, four inches tall. To add insult to injury, the poor delusional OW ordered lettuce and tomato....making the sandwich roughly as tall as a four month old Leonberger. (BTW, shouldn't Leonbergers be black? Sorry, that was raycess).
Here's the list of people who can eat an 8" high sandwich:
1. Mick Jagger
2. Tina Turner
3. Bigfoot
That's it, that's the list. So the official wife wrestles sandwichzilla for a few minutes before giving up and throwing out the baguette and asking for a wrap for her to attempt to surgically repair this disaster. The result was something that resembled Jackson Pollack's toilet paper. Poor thing....she did look hot in her new ski outfit though.
Quick Pix....or as Dan Shaughnessy would say, "picked up pieces while wondering if Mayor Menino has an IQ above 55?" (Answer, NO)
The Lance thing......the Pix doesn't give a flying bat sack about EPO, transfusions, etc. They were all cheating. But there should be a special place in hell for people who sue without merit and use their power to beat down folks who can't afford a legal battle. Despicable. Lance Ass-strong ruined people's lives and did so with malice of forethought. He should spend the rest of his life penniless and shamed beyond the ability to function. At the same time, give him back the 7 yellow jerseys. Those he did earn. Plus, the French are gay. And he essentially exchanged fame for going down in history as perhaps the worst human ever. That's the deal he made. Enjoy, Lance.
Ok.....Manti Gay'o and the techincolor dream girlfriend/beard. Sigh. The only thing the Pix knows about Catfish is that it should be lightly dredged in seasoned flour and fried in scent free oil. Like canola or grapeseed. Maybe serve with a lemon garlic aoli? Hmmm, yes, pleasing. Oh, and the Guru perpetrated this hoax all along so MAN loving 'TI slips in the draft and the Patriots have Stinkovich's replacement for the next decade.
Is it just the Pix, or are standard size Kleenex just a little thin and small for cold season? For starters, the Pix has an plus size beak, and depending on nostril hair maintenance, snot volume may or may not be contained by garden variety kleenex. Maybe Kleenex should follow Trojan's lead and come out with Kleenex Magnums? Lately, the Pix has been going the paper towel route, but unless the OW buys the pre-cut half size paper towels, Pixie tries to tear a towel in half and it ends up in the shape of Idaho. So you then wrap the skinny end above the beak and use the fat end for booger capture. Sub optimal.
Oh, um, 49ers 38, Dirty Birdz 24.
So Dunkin Donuts has unveiled a new breakfast sandwich featuring turkey sausage and egg whites. Idiots. There is only one authority on breakfast sandwiches and it is the Pix. There are only two Pix approved creations: the McDonalds sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit, and the sausage egg and cheese on croissant from DD (sesame bagel in an emergency or like if you are an astronaut in space and that's all NASA gave you). DD is touting their new breakfast turd claiming it has 400 calories. Memo to the marketing drones at DD, have you seen the fatties that eat fast food breakfast sandwiches? Do they look like calorie counters to you? Jillian Michaels isn't at the drive through crushing turkey sausage sandwiches. It is I, the Pix, who is hungover and in desperate need of my 710 calorie 51 grams of fat deliciousness bomb. The Pix has spoken.
Lastly, a little game the Pix likes to call the AFC championship game. While RAYSPN slurps the retiring double murder accomplice (allegedly), the Guru and Brady silently prepare their ambush. There's one thing that worries the Pix a little, though. God. Evidently he likes the Ravens. As Ray Lewis told Sal Palontonio after vanquishing perrenial playoff puking pussy Peyton, "No man can change what God has blessed". Yeesh, the Pix wishes I knew that before I wasted 4 hours watching one of best football games EVER. The outcome was pre-ordained by a higher power? Pix could have used that knowledge. Well, here's a little information for the dancing felon, Terrell Thuggs, Unibrow Flaccid and the rest of the Baltimore poseurs.....higher powers will, indeed be at work Sunday. They are called Brady, Welker, Solder, Hernandez, Wilfork, Mayo, Ninkovitch (ok, I admit it) and the GURU. Because Fraud week is over, people. Pats 31, Gayvens 24.
See you all Super Bowl week.
Pix out
Yawn
So the Pix has been enjoying his bye weeks while the rest of the country has been preoccupied with pedestrian matters like Frankenstorms and erections. Sorry, elections. Fortunately for the Pix and for the folks in general, nobody has taken to Facebook and spewed ignorant political diatribes about the outcome of the great erection. Sorry, election. All of the Facebook chatter has been reasonable and measured.....realizing that the two parties have far more in common both domestically and geopolitically than they have differences. Same foreign policy, same Fed Chairman, no changes thus far to taxes.....just equal rights for women, gays and stoners. So, in general, really no need to relocate to Canada or Israel. Ok, good talk.....
There has been, however, rhetoric in the sports world that makes the Pix want to take multiple hostages. The Pix refers, of course, to the Peyton Manning MVP chatter. So chicken neck has managed to stay upright and not throw THAT many interceptions vs. a schedule that is more feeble than 20th century France and once again Peter King and the rest of the hog sluts have broken out their knee pads and are slurping at the Manning altar. The Pix swears that if Breet came out of retirement the ESPN whores would be tripping over each other to see who could anoint St. Breet or St. Peyton or St. Jebow first. Is this 2005? Chicken neck gets picked off every time he lobs a one legged duck more than 20 yards down field. See Denver vs. Atlanta (where the real 2012 MVP is playing). Bringing Peyton's name into the MVP discussion at this point is as legitimate as saying Derek Jeter was this years world series MVP. Look, the Pix understands lifetime achievement awards, but enough is enough with the Mannings. Let them get their hand jobs at Mardi-Gras, but stay out of the MVP dialogue until maybe you can break into the top 20 of worthy candidates. Ok.......good talk.
The most important development in the NFL this past week, by far, was the Patriots trading a 4th round draft pick for Aqib Talib, the terrorist shut down corner formerly of the Tampa Bay Mujahideens. Less known were the secret efforts the Guru put forth to aqcuire M'balz es Hari, Haid D'Salaami, Hous Bin Pharteen and strong side linebacker I-Sheetz Mdrourz. The Pix can also now report that the Pats were in deep discussions to trade Stinkovich for special teams standouts Uliq M'diq, Uwana M'diq and Usuka M'diq. No truth to the rumors that Shane Vereen was almost traded for A-Wana-Fuqya and Mustaf-Herod-Apyur-Poupr. And, of course, a player to be named later. (Yes, the Pix completely ripped off the SNL skit.....wicked sorry).
The Pix:
Vagiants -4 over Stengals. The Pix saw a car last week with that gay bumper sticker from the 70's saying, "This car climbed Mt. Washington". Really? Your car went up a hill? The Pix then pulled up to the vehicle and asked, "Are you SERIOUS?!? YOUR CAR REALLY DID THAT??! YOU ARE SO BADASS!!!!" Then the Pix drove away.....
TB -3 at Chargers. If you are a 3 point dog to the Bucs at home there's just no way of avoiding the fact that you are.....and there's no other way to put this....bitches.
NO +3 over Falcons. Not for nothing, but this is where the undefeated season ends for the Freakniks. Google it. Welcome back.
Seattle -6 over Jets. Does this line seem small to you? It does to the Pix. This is exactly the type of game Dr Scholls and the Jeets actually win and draw back in the retarded Jet fans. Comedy. In other news, Mike Tannenbaum, the GM of the Jeets was so jealous that the Pats picked up Aqib Talib that he signed Jersey cab driver Graabir Boubi to the practice squad. Thanking you thanking the Pix.
Philly +2 over Dallas. Word out of the big D this past week was that Joan Rivers (I mean Jerry Jones) was accidentally locked out of the locker room following their loss the Freakniks. The Pix doesn't know much about running a billion dollar organization with 200+ employees.........but when they lock you out.........it MIGHT not be an accident.
Turds - infinity over Chefs. Speaking of Pittsburgh.....last week several Pitt Panthers were arrested for assault. Shocker, "student athletes" running afoul of the law. This, of course, is not news worthy in itslef. What grabbed the Pix' fancy was that apparently these student-athletes were on their way back from VAMPIRE class. Vampires......were they at Pitt, or Hogwarts??
Bills +11 at Pats. Sadly, the Pix isn't ready to trust the Pats yet. At least not until newly acquired Apul-Madeek-Aout joins the secondary. And then, well, expect explosive play. All common sense says that The Guru coming off a bye week with the Bills at home is as sure a thing as Chelsea Handler after her fifth martini. But let's face it, the 2012 Pats are still shaky. They should have lost to the Jets at home....so the Pix will take the 11 points. Ok? Ok......good talk.
Pix Out
There has been, however, rhetoric in the sports world that makes the Pix want to take multiple hostages. The Pix refers, of course, to the Peyton Manning MVP chatter. So chicken neck has managed to stay upright and not throw THAT many interceptions vs. a schedule that is more feeble than 20th century France and once again Peter King and the rest of the hog sluts have broken out their knee pads and are slurping at the Manning altar. The Pix swears that if Breet came out of retirement the ESPN whores would be tripping over each other to see who could anoint St. Breet or St. Peyton or St. Jebow first. Is this 2005? Chicken neck gets picked off every time he lobs a one legged duck more than 20 yards down field. See Denver vs. Atlanta (where the real 2012 MVP is playing). Bringing Peyton's name into the MVP discussion at this point is as legitimate as saying Derek Jeter was this years world series MVP. Look, the Pix understands lifetime achievement awards, but enough is enough with the Mannings. Let them get their hand jobs at Mardi-Gras, but stay out of the MVP dialogue until maybe you can break into the top 20 of worthy candidates. Ok.......good talk.
The most important development in the NFL this past week, by far, was the Patriots trading a 4th round draft pick for Aqib Talib, the terrorist shut down corner formerly of the Tampa Bay Mujahideens. Less known were the secret efforts the Guru put forth to aqcuire M'balz es Hari, Haid D'Salaami, Hous Bin Pharteen and strong side linebacker I-Sheetz Mdrourz. The Pix can also now report that the Pats were in deep discussions to trade Stinkovich for special teams standouts Uliq M'diq, Uwana M'diq and Usuka M'diq. No truth to the rumors that Shane Vereen was almost traded for A-Wana-Fuqya and Mustaf-Herod-Apyur-Poupr. And, of course, a player to be named later. (Yes, the Pix completely ripped off the SNL skit.....wicked sorry).
The Pix:
Vagiants -4 over Stengals. The Pix saw a car last week with that gay bumper sticker from the 70's saying, "This car climbed Mt. Washington". Really? Your car went up a hill? The Pix then pulled up to the vehicle and asked, "Are you SERIOUS?!? YOUR CAR REALLY DID THAT??! YOU ARE SO BADASS!!!!" Then the Pix drove away.....
TB -3 at Chargers. If you are a 3 point dog to the Bucs at home there's just no way of avoiding the fact that you are.....and there's no other way to put this....bitches.
NO +3 over Falcons. Not for nothing, but this is where the undefeated season ends for the Freakniks. Google it. Welcome back.
Seattle -6 over Jets. Does this line seem small to you? It does to the Pix. This is exactly the type of game Dr Scholls and the Jeets actually win and draw back in the retarded Jet fans. Comedy. In other news, Mike Tannenbaum, the GM of the Jeets was so jealous that the Pats picked up Aqib Talib that he signed Jersey cab driver Graabir Boubi to the practice squad. Thanking you thanking the Pix.
Philly +2 over Dallas. Word out of the big D this past week was that Joan Rivers (I mean Jerry Jones) was accidentally locked out of the locker room following their loss the Freakniks. The Pix doesn't know much about running a billion dollar organization with 200+ employees.........but when they lock you out.........it MIGHT not be an accident.
Turds - infinity over Chefs. Speaking of Pittsburgh.....last week several Pitt Panthers were arrested for assault. Shocker, "student athletes" running afoul of the law. This, of course, is not news worthy in itslef. What grabbed the Pix' fancy was that apparently these student-athletes were on their way back from VAMPIRE class. Vampires......were they at Pitt, or Hogwarts??
Bills +11 at Pats. Sadly, the Pix isn't ready to trust the Pats yet. At least not until newly acquired Apul-Madeek-Aout joins the secondary. And then, well, expect explosive play. All common sense says that The Guru coming off a bye week with the Bills at home is as sure a thing as Chelsea Handler after her fifth martini. But let's face it, the 2012 Pats are still shaky. They should have lost to the Jets at home....so the Pix will take the 11 points. Ok? Ok......good talk.
Pix Out
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