Thanksgiving 2011

After 50 bye weeks the Pix is back for the annual tribute to Marblehead football and their annual scrimmage with the Nahant rotary Zima drinkers.

The Pix is sure that this fierce group of yong men, all of whom have been predicted by the local sports media to trounce the Headers, are fine young atheletes. The Pix just thinks they look more ready to smuggle a few wine coolers onto Preston beach to be ignored by the 01945 co-eds than to take on these animals:

Who look like they want to join Ben Afleck in Chuck town and hold up a few financial establishements. A little joking aside, and with all due respect to Swampscott and their legitimately bona fide coach Steve Dembowski, last years game was about to get out of hand before #20, Quigley, left the game in the first quarter after having his meniscus torn beneath the pile while the referees did nothing. What the Pix is saying is that there is unfinished business this year. And the football gods have ways of sorting these things out.

If there is a theme unique to the Marblehead side this year it is that of fathers and sons. Beginnining with the most obvious....Chris Piper:

and Chris Piper:

The Marblehead Reporter wrote an article this past week detailing the fact that young Pipes lost his mother the day of the Beverly game and still led his team on to Piper field. The Pix has no intention of putting any of this into a football context, but plenty of Pipes' teamates have done just that....and eloquently so; simply stating that they will be feeling the presence of Chris's parents and their spirit this Thurdsay. Pipes will lead them onto the field again and they will be playing with 13 on their side.

More father/son connections on this squad abound. Gus Percy, Bing Bial, Jake Morris and Pipes all have dads who played in this game (if I missed a few, I apologize). Coltyn Dana, Phil Coughlin, John Perry and Kyle McCormack's dads have been watching these kids all play together since the 4th grade. As coach Bial pointed out recently, these kids have had a lot of success playing together. And these dads have logged a lot of practice time, game time, and "coaching" time up in the stands or at the unoficial coaches booth, the Three Cod Tavern. Most of the time a father's interest is a blessing, but for games like the Thanksgiving day game, expectations can be unreasonably high. Teddy Roosevelt wrote this for these occasions:

It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs,
comes up short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
but who does actually strive to do the deeds;
who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end
the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst, if he fails,
at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those
cold and timid souls
who neither know victory nor defeat.

Piper field will be the arena this Thursday. Marblehead will be without defensive stalwart and captain Joel Katz. And he will be sorely missed. But they will not be without Jeff Peras. They will not be without Tyler Bates or Tom Koopman. They will not be without Rajive, or Bing, or Coltyn, or that complete maniac Tuna. They will not be without #40 John Perry who hits everything not nailed down. They will not be without Schmitt or Zac or Ian. And, unlike last year, they will not be without Quigley:

Speaking of fathers...the Pix was watching "A Few Good Men" the other night for the 71st time and there was a line that reminded the Pix of Will, who's dad was a pretty good athlete in his own time. It was when Lt. Kaffee was about to give up knowing that he really had no case and could theoritically get court marshalled if he went too hard after Col. Jessep (Jack Nicholson for those without cable).

Sam Weinberg: "You know I wrote a paper on your dad in college? Best trial attorney ever".

Kaffee: (resigned) "Yes, he was".

Sam Weinberg: "But if I were Dawswon and Downey and I had to choose you or him.........I'd choose you any day".

Kaffee: "Would you put Jessep on the stand?"

Sam: "NO".

Kaffee: "Do you think my father would have?"

Sam: "With the evidence we have? Never. But here's the thing, and there's no way of getting around this: Neither Lionel Kaffee nor Sam Weinberg is the lead counsel here. So there's really one question: what would you do?"

And although the analogy is highly imperfect, the message is for Gus, Jake, Phil, Coltyn, Bing, Oliver, Jeff....Will.....all of you. You are the ones who have earned the right to be in the arena. You will strive, and err, and shed blood, and know that your place will never be with those timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. This is a special Marblehead squad. For Pipes, for Katz, for Quigs....for all the moms and dads. For coach Chern.....let's go kick some ass.

Marblehead 31, Swampscott 24.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Go Marblehead.

Beat Swampscott.

Closet Case

For the first time in the short life span of the Pix, The Pix is shifting out of the 3rd person into the 1st. While it's fun to write as an alter ego, I want whatever I end up writing here to be my own words. For those out there who know the Pix personally, you may be wondering what the difference is. I'm not sure, let's just see where this goes......

So the reason for the sudden change of tone is this space is the column by Boston Herald writer Steve Buckley yesterday announcing to the world that he is gay. For most of us in the year 2011, this is not a big deal. But in the world of professional sports and professional sports media, this is a very big deal. Buckley is by no means the first openly gay writer and commentator in America, but i can only think of one or two others off the top of my head. Men's professional sports is a hyper macho culture where violence is omni present and where basically the worst thing you could be was gay. A fag. The social stigma is so strong in the sports world that 2 out of the last three sports writers in America who came out ended up killing themselves within year.

What strikes me as really ironic is that sports in America, other than the military, was the institution more than any other that was at the forefront off the civil rights movement. The football and baseball fields were the first places many white Americans first saw black men. At all. There's a reason that Major League Baseball consider's #42, Jackie Robinson's number, as sacred. Robinson broke the baseball color barrier and has served since that time as the racially metaphorical bridge that represents America's past and it's present. Do you know what year that was? It was 1947. We all know that Robinson's feat didn't transform the country right away. Inter racial marriage wasn't portrayed on television until the 70's with "The Jeffersons". But it was a huge start. And Jackie Robinson is considered an American hero. The fact that no gay male athlete in a major professional sport has chosen to break the "sexual preference" barrier by now, I think, says a lot about our society. And what it says isn't good.

I think a major male athlete is going to come out within the next 24 months. It will be very interesting to see how that plays out, When Magic announced back in 1991 that he was HIV positive, he was forced to retire. When he came back for the All Star game there was lots of talk about certain players boycotting the game. Even Isiah Thomas stopped kissing him at half court before tip off. But eventually, Magic was welcomed back into the league again. Magic says he contracted the disease from unprotected heterosexual behavior, so the analogy isn't perfect, but it's not too far off. That was 20 years ago. Before "Will and Grace". Before "Modern Family". Before the Bravo network.

So back to Steve Buckley. Kind of. The reason his story resonated with me is because it reminded me of the only gay person who was ever in my life and how much I regret never getting the opportunity to tell him I loved him for who he was. He was my uncle Dennis who died very suddenly in England when I was a freshman at Davidson College in 1985. I remember writing him the week I heard he was ill. I never heard back. I'm afraid to say I don't think he even got my letter in time. I don't remember exactly what I wrote. I just wish I had been a little bit older and a little bit more knowledgeable about the world at the time and that we could have had "the gay talk". Maybe I'm having it now. With myself. Thinking of my uncle Dennis. Thanking Steve Buckley.

The Pix......

Chiefs +3 vs Ravens
Saints -10 at Seahawks
Colts -2.5 over Jets
GB +2.5 at Philly

De-motivation

Several times this year the Pix has relied on de-motivational posters from the internets to leverage someone else's wit and to reduce the Pix' workload when there is neither the time nor the inspiration to come up with anything original. It's kind of lazy. It's kind of cheap. It's kind of a short cut........and there's more where that came from. With just one week to go in the regular season, the Pix is ready to write the year end tribute to the 2010 season attributing one poster to each team. Starting with the NFC......



....To the Redskins. After hiring Mike and Kyle Shenanigan, Dan Snyder thought he had finally begun the process of turning around the 'skins. Then Albert Haynesworth (pictured above) decided that 20 million dollars wasn't enough to make him play in the 3-4 defense and harpooned the season.



.......To the Dallas Cowboys and their fans. Jerry Jones had played the Jedi mind trick on the good people of Dallas by convincing them that Wade Phillips would lead the boys to the first Superbowl ever played on a team's home field. Instead, the evil empire of the NFL continues to more resemble a pack of ewoks.



.....To the Philly Iggles and the Dog Whisperer, of course.



.....And so is the Vagiants season. So this one is for the New Jersey Giants. Way to finish the season, boys.



.....To the Green Bay Packers. The Pix actually took this photo outside of Lambeau field a few years back. This is how they roll in 'Sconnie. Pix likes.



.....To the Minnesota Vikings. Of all the demotey posters you will see, the Pix wanted to attribute roughly half of them to either the Jets or to Breet. But this one most resembles the Vikings season, no? Was there a bigger mistake made this year than Breet coming back, torpedoing the Viking's season, having "sextgate" come out, and to sliding into shameful ignominy for eternity? The Pix thinks not. And he is pleased.



.....To the Detroit Lions. Because while nobody noticed, the Motor City Kitties have built themselves a pretty good football team.



........To the Chicago Bears. Because Mr. Prezzident and his home town Bears just don't seem to understand that perception is not reality. The Bears just aren't that good. They are a horrible 2 seed. Fortunately for Barrack, the Republican party doesn't have anyone as tough as the Pats to expose the obvious fragility of the situation.



........To the entire NFC West. No, the 49ers, Seahawks, Rams, and Cardinals don't get their own poster. How could they? A team with a losing record will host a home playoff game for the first time since 1982, the strike shortened season. Phonies, frauds, stains...............the NFC West.



Um.....to the um..........er, wait a minute.........to the Tampa Bay Bucs. Because, um, never mind.



To the Saints. Because it is hard to stay on top when everyone is trying to bring you down. Good luck to a likable team who would give the Pats all they could handle in Dallas.



......to the Carolina Panthers. Because as locations go..........Charlotte, NC is, well, it's just, really, lame.



......To the Atlanta Falcons. Who, after getting rid of the Dog Whisperer, policed up their program with good coaching, great drafting, and going old school with a great rushing offense and a smart qb.

And for the AFC.........



.......To the Tittsburgh Feelers. Somebody did call the cops and Rapelisberger came pretty close to spending a little time in the Pokey. His four game suspension wasn't enough to derail the Steelers early, but the karma bug came along and bit most of the offensive line, assuring that the turd burglar got his beak busted and his wheels all banged up. #7 is shakier than Ali in the 9th round against Larry Holmes.



.....To the Baltimore Ravens. Because the Pix has been to Baltimore and this is what he saw.....



.......To Eric Mangini and the Browns. Readers of the Pix know how he feels about the Mangina, but credit where it's due.......the Pix thinks that Mangini and the Browns passed the test this year. The Browns played scrappy, inspired, well coached ball. The Walrus will still fire Mangini, but Eric showed that he belongs in the NFL as a head coach. Just saying.



.....To the Bengals. And to anyone brave enough to accept the head coaching job after Marvin Lewis is fired this week (or just has his contract expire). The photo above was taken from a preseason game where T. O. and Ochocinco fight over a ball originally intended for Jordan Shipley. The Pix doesn't want to say the Bengals are a dysfunctional franchise, but Christine O'donnel may be the only person in America crazy enough to accept a call from Mike Brown.



.......To the Houston Texans. Who clone themselves every season as a 7-9 or 8-8 team who looks ready to break out but who will always be what they are.



......To the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Pix just thinks these guys need a happy ending. That is all. Moving on. Nothing to see here. No human trafficking or anything. Just a massage parlor. Or pharmacy. Or nail salon. Sorry, the Pix got a little distracted right there.



.......To the Tennessee Titans. Because they are gay.


.......To the Colts and Peyton Manning. You know why.



Not to anyone......just throwing it out there.



.....To the San Diego Chargers. Did anyone in the league take an abundance of talent and "gifts" and just end up with a giant turd of a season like the Chargers did? And how does Norvil Turner keep his job? Also a shout out to the official brother of the Pix who brought a puppy home for Xmas and has been knee deep in doo doo and middle of the night pee runs in blizzard like conditions all week. No joke there. Just an observation. Checking to see if he still reads the Pix. Because he never says anything. Not that the Pix cares. Because the Pix doesn't care. Really.



.....To the Denver Donkeys. Because you know what else matters? Coaching matters. Drafting matters. Winning matters. And the Donkeys have mastered the art of none of these things. Hiring a middle schooler and giving him total control of the organization was bad enough. Allowing Doogie Howser to then trade Peyton Hillis for Brady Quinn and then trade up to draft Tim frigging Tebow......Oi Vey.



To the Raiders. Because they were supposed to go 3-13 and instead are trying to become respectable and photobomb the Pat's draft this May. Kudos to wife beater Tom Crapple for keeping his job for one more season. The Pix saw a shot of the Raider luxury box where Al Davis was being embalmed last weekend during the Colt game and it made the Pix think of Hugh Hefner for some reason. It was either that or the 96th Viagra commercial of the afternoon. One or the other.


.....To the KC Chiefs. Because most pundits had the same reaction to the Chiefs winning the West and hosting a playoff game this year.



......To the Miami Dolphins. What a cluster*&$#@ of a season. Wasn't Tony Sparano supposed to be a good coach? The Lions won more games in the state of Florida this year than the Dolphins did. 1-7 at home. That's pretty hard to do. Looks like Lebreet taking his talents to South Beach created a talent vacuum.



.....To the Buffalo Bills. Because the Pix loves this poster and even though it has nothing to do with Buffalo.........or the Bills...........it had to go somewhere. And what is there left to say about Buffalo? Would this one have been better....?



.....to represent an 0-15 streak against a divisional rival? That could have worked, right? But the Pix loves him some beating up on MJ, so there it is.



Knock Knock.......


Who's there?


Rex.


Rex who?


"Rex, did you remember to change the address, cancel the cable, and delete all the nude pictures of our swinging profile from Alt.com before we move to New York and become public figures?"


"....Um, no hon, I forgot to delete all the nude pictures and you tube videos of our foot fetish double lives.....Why? Do you think anyone will figure out you are "Ihaveprettyfeet" and are a bi-curious bottom interested in nipple torture and fisting? I doubt anyone will recognize us..........."


......To Rex and the Jets. Instead of just blending in and playing the schedule, Rex insisted on putting a target on his team's back and one on Mrs. Ryan's front. Not. Working. Out. So. Well.

And finally.......


To the rest of the league, from the New England Patriots. The Truth. The Truth is that everyone thought this was a bridge year for the Pats before their preposterous 2011 draft and letting the class of 2010 grow up a little. Instead, McCourty, Spikes, Hernandez and Gronkowski came out of the box like 3rd year vets and the GURU put on a coaching display that may be unparalleled in NFL history. Anyone remember when Moss was traded and the airwaves were filled with nonsense about Bellichick losing it? Child, please.

Pats are winning the Superbowl and then have 5 draft picks in first 3 rounds. That's the Truth. And unless you are a Pats fan..........it has to hurt.

Happy New Year to all Pix readers. See you in 2011.

Pix out.

Merry Pixmas

Greetings and salutations to all readers of the Pix this week. As of Wednesday afternoon the Pix had several ideas for the column this week. And then the great tsunami of hilarity and schadenfreude hit the internets with a massive wave......or should one say stampede.....





For those of you not reading www.deadspin.com or www.barstoolsports.com, allow the Pix to introduce you to Michelle Ryan, wife of J-E-T-S coach Rex Ryan. Or as those who belong to www.swinging lifestyle.com know her, "Ihaveprettyfeet". It seems "Ihaveprettyfeet" was somewhat of a you tube sensation back during the years that Coach and his wife were living outside of Baltimore, Md. Here is a screen grab of their user profile:


Uh Oh.....Straight/bi-curious? The Pix is afraid this doesn't mean the Ryans are interested in riding bikes......and, um, then there is this.....


Oh, dear.......let's see here.....nipple torture? Check. Defilement? Check. Fisting? But, of course. Do you happen to have any Grey Poupon?

Honestly, what is the Pix supposed to do with all this information? Between Breet destroying his legacy more than the Pix could even have imagined...


....and the Ryan's swinging foot play lifestyle becoming a national punch line that will occupy comedy writers for the forseeable future, there's very little to say here.....so let's re-print some comments that the Pix saw yesterday from various internets contributors"

"Trick or Treat,
Smell my feet,
New England Patriots
Can't be beat"

"The Jets have fired their team physician today and hired Dr. Scholl"

"Are you ready for some FOOT-ball?

"Rex: getting beat, licking feet"

And then there's Coach's quote himself from the video:
"Can, I, uh, smell them?"

What the Pix wouldn't give to go back in time to rewrite the high school yearbook quote....."Can I, uh, smell them?"

But you know what? Let's leave the Ryan's alone. It's a personal matter, no? At least it's his own wife, right. Ok, good talk. Let's just move on......


seriously, nothing to see here......


ok, that's enough.....


next topic.....


no looking back.....


let's not feet, er, beat this into the ground....


It's not funny anymore.....


And..........were' done. (maybe)

Let's talk a little football. No, seriously, the sport.

San Francisco +1 at Rams
Pats -8 over Buffalo.
Tenn+5 at KC
Oakland +3 over Colts
Seattle +6 over TB
GB -3 over Vagiants
NO +3 at Falcons.

Ok, back to Sex Ryan for a moment. Here area some headlines from today's Post:

"Tormented Rex bares 'sole' over Kinky Feet Vids"

"Bum toe (seriously) Sidelines Santonio"

"Gang Green: Beating Bears would have Heel-ing power"

and the Daily News:

"Rex forced to do some Sole searching"

"Rex keeps foot out of mouth Wednesday"

Oh, and then there's this little fresh tid bit from our boy Breet:

"Brett Favre asked Jenn Sterger for masturbation video." Wait, what?


Well of course he did, why wouldn't he? It would have been rude not to. That's right.....just when Roger Goodell thought he could get away with sweeping the Breet droppings under the carpet, he's back. By the way, anyone else notice that "Sterger" is "Regrets" backwards? Just saying'.........The Pix wonders if Breet ever has this thought cross his mind:


Probably this one a little more:


Speaking of NY staying classy, there's another stain out there trying to fly beneath the radar:


Baseball Diva Andy Pettitte. For those who haven't been paying attention, HGH Andy is now in his fourth consecutive offseason where he is threatening to retire. Holy Breet. Does he really think anybody takes this seriously. And doesn't the lefty bare a striking resemblance to fellow New Yorker.....


Andy Samberg? No?






Youre's not seeing it? Well, it's pretty hard to segue away from these players:





The good news for Pix readers is that there was already a pretty amusing post set to launch.....until Sex Ryan and "Ihaveprettyfeet' had their closets opened by the internets. And the Pix suggest there could be more to come here........maybe even another shoe to drop? The Pix can't wait for Rex and the Jets to saunter back into Foxboro and get trampled (wouldn't Rexy just love that?). Undoubtedly, the J-E T-S, JETS! JETS! JETS! cheer will morph into F-E-E-T-S, FEETS! FEETS! FEETS!

It will be hard for Rex to focus when the Pats bring Tony Franklin onto the field to commemorate his two seasons with the team:


"Can I, uh, smell them?"

So for now the Pix well leave you with a simple, Merry Pixmas.

And to the Ryans and Jets fans, Happy Heelidays:)

Pix out.