The world has been doing a fairly decent job of pissing off the Pix lately, and it's time for a little venting. It's nothing major. No disturbances in the force, just a little sand in the proverbial vagina. Not that the bible consists of any proverbs that reference vaginas, just using a colloquialism.
Let's start with last Sunday.......what the hell was that? What WAS THAT?!?! Who the? What the? Oy vey. Gevald. As Monsieur J. Tedford would say, "That just happened". The Pix would like to thank the Pats for showing up, but........well, they really didn't. The Pix reall didn't think last weeks reference to the Red Sox would be that predictive. Wow. This just in, the Ravens just picked off Brady again. And Randy Moss? Paging Randy Moss? Please report to the ticket counter. Moss showed less effort than a 10 dollar hooker. On Meth. Let's just move on...
What the hell is NBC doing? Really? Jay Leno? Why not just bring back Arsenio Hall?
Leno is 1/20th as funny as Conan. It was bad enough that the network was too cheap to continue "ER" and stuff Chin "O" in the 10 pm slot, but now you are moving Conan?
Good for him for hazing you in public before he bolts for Fox. Dear NBC: You suck.
Speaking of Fox, Sarah Palin??????????? Really???????? Now that even more information is coming out regarding this moron's lack of qualification to hold public office (not knowing why there is a North AND South Korea), the Pix would like to officially thank John McCain for setting back the Republican party two generations. You know what? This isn't funny. Moving on again........
Mark McGuire? Really? You used steroids? In other news, water is wet, Siberia is cold, and Pam Anderson has fake tits. And Really? You only took low dosages because you didn't want to appear too big? Really? You looked like 3 lbs of sausage stuffed into a peanut shell. You dumbass.
And really PETA?? (People for the ethical treatment of animals, or as the Pix likes to call it...people for eating tasty animals) You are running a print ad of porn star Sasha Grey with the language "Too much sex can be a bad thing". What are you talking about? The Pix has no idea what that means....what's your message? Thanks for the picture of Sasha's butt anyway....
And really drug company? The Pix saw a commercial the other day for some child depression drug on TV. It said, "If your child is between the ages of 7 and 17 and experiences frequent sadness, social isolation, an increase in anger, difficulty in school...then your child may be struggling with depression". Dr. Pix says, "Or your child may be a child". Welcome to life. It doesn't get any easier. Have a lollipop.
Let's take a break for an important public service anouncement that arrived via email to the Pix yesterday from the webside, WebMD....seriously, this article came out yesterday and can be confirmed by the official wife. The article was titled "why men
like porn". The gist if the article is that scientists say that men are hard wired to react to visual stimulus due to evolution. As we evolved, males had to be able to become aroused instantly for the propogation of the human species. Makes sense, no?
If we warmed up as slowly as the herd, a tiger might come along and eat us before we could.....propogate. Once again, science and the Pix have come together. Delicious.
San Diego 31, Jets 10
Dallas 31, Vikings 20
Indy 31, Balt 17
New Orleans 31, Arizona 28
Whatever....
Back to the suck....Martha Coakley is about to become a Senator. She is. She is going to win next week's election by 10 points. Because the state of Massachusetts is corrupt and incredibly lame and stupid. It is public record that she kept an innocent man in prison (Gerard Amirault) knowing the charges against him were sheer fabrication. Google it. Dorothy Rabinowitz won a Pulitzer for her article in the Journal covering the case from the 80's. It's PUBLIC RECORD. SHE KEPT AN INNOCENT MAN IN JAIL. And she will win. By 10 pts. That is some stinky cheese right there. Thanks again, Mass holes.
Lastly, and the Pix apologizes for Angry Pix this week...get thyselves to "American Idol", and look for my boy "Ski Bo ski". He's this year's Norman Gentle. Only funnier. And authentic. He told the judges his name is "Ski bo ski, baby, yeahhhhhhhhh. And you have to pronounce the yeahhhh". When informed that the shirt he was wearing only said "Ski bo", he replied, "that's what discounts are for, baby". He then proceeded to spell "Ski bo ski" for the judges, "S-k-i-i-o-b-o-s-k". He was then informed that that really doesn't spell "Ski bo ski". To which he replied, "Yeahhhhh". Alrighty then..
Angry Pix out.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Playoff Pix and 2010 randomness
Happy belated new year to all (with some exceptions that we will soon mention). The Pix is rested and ready for the 2010 NFL tournament. The preseason pix of a Packers-Patriots Superbowl is still alive, albeit struggling with swine flu and a torn ACL/MCL. But that will not dissuade the Pix to sticking (for at least one week) to his original prognostication. Shall we get to some football? Let's not. Let's instead deliver another public service announcement:
To the roided up trainer at a certain gym: The gym hopper is for EMERGENCY USE ONLY. Do people not have bathrooms at home? Every other day, this gargantuan young man uses the public facility at the gym as his own personal science lab. One can only guess, but the noxious gas mixing with shower steam every day at 4:30 can only be the result of two bowls of colon blow, a creatine shake, and a few 5 guys double with onions. Ay Carumba. Please, kind sir, a 10 by 25 square foot cement tomb with no ventilation is no place for you to camp out for 20 minutes and take your afternoon growler. It reminds the Pix of a terrible childhood trauma when the Pix went to the official father's facility to get a band aid only to be met with a two by four gas blast of menthol shaving cream and morning nonsense. The official father is naturally forgiven as the crime took place in his own house. Steroid trainer boy? Not so much. The Pix can only guess that Steroid boy is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship with a young feline and he is playing away games as much as possible. A piece of advice for this young man: the sooner you introduce said bird to the hilarious world of dutch ovens and games of car turtle (lock car windows and release) the faster you will be on the road to an honest and fulfilling relationship. The Pix has spoken.
Cincinatti 19, Jets 17. This game will reek. The srong Jets D with the feeble Jets offense makes for one hell of a boring game. Ocho Cinco has a questionable wheel and Darrell Reivis would shut him down regardless. Perhaps if Chris Henry hadn't jumped out of his baby mama's moving truck, the Bungles receiving corps would hold a little more potency. It would not surprise the Pix at all if the Gas Bag and his crew pulled this one out.......leading to the greatest investment opportunity since Google; betting against the Jets in the divisional playoffs against the Colts. May the Gambling Gods grant us our wish.
Has anyone been following the Casey Johnson story? Holy dysfunction, Batman. Every am the Pix reads "the daily beast"; a mainly political blog that will throw in pop culture stories as well. One can't help but be drawn to this tale of entitled, drugged out, media seeking uber skanks that include Tila Tequilla, Courteny Semel (the Don Juan of Lesbians), the Hilton sluts (er, sisters) and a cast of tens all living in a world the Pix will call Lohan land. Crime scenes involving stolen vibrators? Check. Lesbian socialites in and out of rehab? Check. Death of the Johnson and Johnson family heiress a week after she gets engaged to Tila Tequilla (the bird who starred on a bisexual dating show and later accused Charger linebacker Shawn Merriman of choking her)? Check and double check. And the Pix left out the goog parts. If the decline of western civilization has yet to be confirmed, wait no longer. Get thyselves to "The Daily Beast" and prepare to wet thyselves.
Dallas 31, Philly 24. This should be an awesome game. Can the Romosexuals really win their first playoff game since the internets were invented? Seriously, "Roseanne" was still in prime time the last time Jerry Jones saw his boys win in the post season. Or was it "The Andy Griffith Show"? Either way, these two perrenial playoff chokers are bound to entertain us. If the Eagles lose, don't be surprised if this is Donovan McBiceps' last game. If Dallas loses, au revoir Wade Phillips. Both teams have a slew of young athletes and playmakers. Look for Demarco Ware and Felix Jones to be the difference makers.
Does anyone else pretend to read the London Sun Times online to secretly go to the "page 3" section of topless birds under the guise of wanting to keep informed about the Parliament election this spring? No? Um......never mind.
Green Bay 24, Arizona 13. Yawn. Meh. Blurgh. The Pix has no idea who will win this game, but one has to stay with the preseason pick of the Pack. Plus, Green Bay is one of the hottest teams in the NFL. Stand by for a major digression followed by a long turn home: On December 19th, the first major international sports star, Gareth Thomas (a rugby player in Britain) came out of the closet and admitted he had the gay. It would be the equivalent of, say, Ben Roethlisburger doing so. It made the Pix wonder, if this were to happen in the US, the last city it would go down in (pun intended) would be Green Bay, right? And the most likely city would be New York, LA or SF, no? So here are the Pix' three top candidates for a major closet break in 2010....Jason Bay, New York Mets; Ron Artest, LA Lakers; and Alex Smith, 49ers. Where is the Pix going with this? Um, nowhere.
Has anyone given any serious thought to the projected Red Sox lineup this year???
1. Jacoby Elsbury, LF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2b
3. Victor Martinez, C
4. Youk, 1b
5. Papi against RHP and Lowell against LHP
6. Adrienne Beltre, 3b
7. JD Injury, RF
8. Mike Cameron, CF
9. Marco Scutaro, SS
Not bad, right? Admit it, its' better than you thought. And the Rotation:
1. Beckett
2. Lackey
3. Lester
4. Bucholtz (if the Sox trade him I'll snap)
5. Matsuzaka/Wakefield
Zoinks, right? When do pitchers and catchers report?
In unrelated news, the Pix has once again been observing the herd recently in an effort to provide a detailed scientific traffic study to Congress. Using Marblehead as the control group, the Pix has determined that the Ovarian drivers of the little town are yapping and flapping (talking and texting) 87.675% of the time on their iphones while driving. To eachother. As usuall, the Pix has a solution: Bird Buses. In an effort to reduce green house emissions while simultaneously retraining the felines to interact with one another on a personal level, the Pix proposes 3 public Bird Buses that rotate daily from Market Basket, The YMCA and Yoga. Side routes may include the nail place (whatever the eff it's called), Starbucks, places they sell wine and school pickup. There will be a special section on the back of the bus for really committed iPhone birds to text eachother while all standing within 3 feet from one another. Never let it be said that the Pix isn't looking out for you, ladies. Thanking you, thanking me.
Finally.......New England 27, Baltimore 26. This game scares the guano out of the Pix. Simply put, if Wilfork is close to 90%, we win. If not, we could see Brady lose the first home playoff game of his career. The Ravens run the ball as well as any team in the NFL, but the Pats defend the run extrememly well if VW is healthy. Brady will miss Welker, but the good news is the offensive line is healthier than it's been since September. If Brady get time, Edelman (the Kosher Komet) will be fine. If not.........bad times and a beating for the official wife. Just kidding, honey.....just the usual spanking. And of course you'll have to wear the Peyton Manning jersey with the beige stockings. Ok, moving on here....
Pix out
To the roided up trainer at a certain gym: The gym hopper is for EMERGENCY USE ONLY. Do people not have bathrooms at home? Every other day, this gargantuan young man uses the public facility at the gym as his own personal science lab. One can only guess, but the noxious gas mixing with shower steam every day at 4:30 can only be the result of two bowls of colon blow, a creatine shake, and a few 5 guys double with onions. Ay Carumba. Please, kind sir, a 10 by 25 square foot cement tomb with no ventilation is no place for you to camp out for 20 minutes and take your afternoon growler. It reminds the Pix of a terrible childhood trauma when the Pix went to the official father's facility to get a band aid only to be met with a two by four gas blast of menthol shaving cream and morning nonsense. The official father is naturally forgiven as the crime took place in his own house. Steroid trainer boy? Not so much. The Pix can only guess that Steroid boy is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship with a young feline and he is playing away games as much as possible. A piece of advice for this young man: the sooner you introduce said bird to the hilarious world of dutch ovens and games of car turtle (lock car windows and release) the faster you will be on the road to an honest and fulfilling relationship. The Pix has spoken.
Cincinatti 19, Jets 17. This game will reek. The srong Jets D with the feeble Jets offense makes for one hell of a boring game. Ocho Cinco has a questionable wheel and Darrell Reivis would shut him down regardless. Perhaps if Chris Henry hadn't jumped out of his baby mama's moving truck, the Bungles receiving corps would hold a little more potency. It would not surprise the Pix at all if the Gas Bag and his crew pulled this one out.......leading to the greatest investment opportunity since Google; betting against the Jets in the divisional playoffs against the Colts. May the Gambling Gods grant us our wish.
Has anyone been following the Casey Johnson story? Holy dysfunction, Batman. Every am the Pix reads "the daily beast"; a mainly political blog that will throw in pop culture stories as well. One can't help but be drawn to this tale of entitled, drugged out, media seeking uber skanks that include Tila Tequilla, Courteny Semel (the Don Juan of Lesbians), the Hilton sluts (er, sisters) and a cast of tens all living in a world the Pix will call Lohan land. Crime scenes involving stolen vibrators? Check. Lesbian socialites in and out of rehab? Check. Death of the Johnson and Johnson family heiress a week after she gets engaged to Tila Tequilla (the bird who starred on a bisexual dating show and later accused Charger linebacker Shawn Merriman of choking her)? Check and double check. And the Pix left out the goog parts. If the decline of western civilization has yet to be confirmed, wait no longer. Get thyselves to "The Daily Beast" and prepare to wet thyselves.
Dallas 31, Philly 24. This should be an awesome game. Can the Romosexuals really win their first playoff game since the internets were invented? Seriously, "Roseanne" was still in prime time the last time Jerry Jones saw his boys win in the post season. Or was it "The Andy Griffith Show"? Either way, these two perrenial playoff chokers are bound to entertain us. If the Eagles lose, don't be surprised if this is Donovan McBiceps' last game. If Dallas loses, au revoir Wade Phillips. Both teams have a slew of young athletes and playmakers. Look for Demarco Ware and Felix Jones to be the difference makers.
Does anyone else pretend to read the London Sun Times online to secretly go to the "page 3" section of topless birds under the guise of wanting to keep informed about the Parliament election this spring? No? Um......never mind.
Green Bay 24, Arizona 13. Yawn. Meh. Blurgh. The Pix has no idea who will win this game, but one has to stay with the preseason pick of the Pack. Plus, Green Bay is one of the hottest teams in the NFL. Stand by for a major digression followed by a long turn home: On December 19th, the first major international sports star, Gareth Thomas (a rugby player in Britain) came out of the closet and admitted he had the gay. It would be the equivalent of, say, Ben Roethlisburger doing so. It made the Pix wonder, if this were to happen in the US, the last city it would go down in (pun intended) would be Green Bay, right? And the most likely city would be New York, LA or SF, no? So here are the Pix' three top candidates for a major closet break in 2010....Jason Bay, New York Mets; Ron Artest, LA Lakers; and Alex Smith, 49ers. Where is the Pix going with this? Um, nowhere.
Has anyone given any serious thought to the projected Red Sox lineup this year???
1. Jacoby Elsbury, LF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2b
3. Victor Martinez, C
4. Youk, 1b
5. Papi against RHP and Lowell against LHP
6. Adrienne Beltre, 3b
7. JD Injury, RF
8. Mike Cameron, CF
9. Marco Scutaro, SS
Not bad, right? Admit it, its' better than you thought. And the Rotation:
1. Beckett
2. Lackey
3. Lester
4. Bucholtz (if the Sox trade him I'll snap)
5. Matsuzaka/Wakefield
Zoinks, right? When do pitchers and catchers report?
In unrelated news, the Pix has once again been observing the herd recently in an effort to provide a detailed scientific traffic study to Congress. Using Marblehead as the control group, the Pix has determined that the Ovarian drivers of the little town are yapping and flapping (talking and texting) 87.675% of the time on their iphones while driving. To eachother. As usuall, the Pix has a solution: Bird Buses. In an effort to reduce green house emissions while simultaneously retraining the felines to interact with one another on a personal level, the Pix proposes 3 public Bird Buses that rotate daily from Market Basket, The YMCA and Yoga. Side routes may include the nail place (whatever the eff it's called), Starbucks, places they sell wine and school pickup. There will be a special section on the back of the bus for really committed iPhone birds to text eachother while all standing within 3 feet from one another. Never let it be said that the Pix isn't looking out for you, ladies. Thanking you, thanking me.
Finally.......New England 27, Baltimore 26. This game scares the guano out of the Pix. Simply put, if Wilfork is close to 90%, we win. If not, we could see Brady lose the first home playoff game of his career. The Ravens run the ball as well as any team in the NFL, but the Pats defend the run extrememly well if VW is healthy. Brady will miss Welker, but the good news is the offensive line is healthier than it's been since September. If Brady get time, Edelman (the Kosher Komet) will be fine. If not.........bad times and a beating for the official wife. Just kidding, honey.....just the usual spanking. And of course you'll have to wear the Peyton Manning jersey with the beige stockings. Ok, moving on here....
Pix out
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