The Treadmill and the Tube

 The Pix is taking a bit of a left hand turn this week.  There will be no (or a little) profanity, and probably a lot less humor....you have been warned.

We all know instinctively that most television news and advertising is.....bad, negative, discouraging, scary, disingenuous.....all that. But really, it's so much worse.  It's pure poison. Almost ALL of it.  The Pix knows that you know this, but just this week the Pix ran a little experiment and needs to share it: Here's the deal....

The Pix is a fossil. Due to having one working knee and an expanding waist line, the only thing the Pix can do other than go on a diet and stop enjoying vitamin V (not happening) is to walk on the treadmill for a solid hour every afternoon.  To make matters more depressing, the Pix now listens to audio books while on the treadmill (ever try to WALK while listening to music? Too Richard Simmonsesque).  Like most gyms, big screen TVs are set up so the cardio queens can watch whatever they watch while do whatever they do. After the Pix was on this walking jag for a few weeks it occurred to your dear writer that Pixie, while shedding a lb or two, was getting more and more depressed.  Hence last week's installment, blast, profanity-laden diatribe.  Fortunately, the Pix figured it out.  Try watching/not watching..... just sort of observing three television channels at a time.  No sound, just reading and absorbing the headlines and advertisements.  And by the way, only two TVs are on news stations, the third is on ELLEN.  ALWAYS ELLEN.  And she's usually in the middle (more on her later).

Here's what the Pix learned from paying a little more attention to this odd trifecta:  OMG we are all going to go bankrupt/get sick/die like really soon. Like this week.

Left TV, CNBC.....according to CNBC (Continuously Negative Broadcasting Network) your finances are going to Zero. Remember, the Pix is only reading the screen, so the words BUBBLE, PLUNGE, DIVE, CRASH are pretty much how everything is described.  And the commercials are even worse.  Have you ever heard of MESOTHELIOMA? TRANS VAGINAL MESH? Well, you should have, because judging by the constant adds from the class action lawyers, we must all have that shit.  You think Geico and Draft Kings clog up the airwaves?  When we are audibly assaulted by ubiquitous insurance or fantasy football ads we normally just change the chanel....for whatever reason we don't notice all the class action lawyer poison.

Remember, middle TV, ELLEN. God bless that kooky bird.

Right TV, ususally local news, or CNN. Shool shooting, ISIS, school shooting, Putin, school shooting, TRUMP.  Ads for Hair loss, Fan duel, another one of any ad that basically fits the genre of SCARE THE OLD PEOPLE. Fire, school shooting, pro athelete crashing car or beating up a woman, school shooting.  The Pix won't go on, you get the gist.  And you all know this stuff.  But when the Pix is on that treadmill just scanning from left to right and back again, it really surprised even the most cynical person the Pix can think of, the Pix, that we really are getting force fed an intergallactically massive fire hose of negativity.  Because it sells, right?

So let's lighten the mood here with my girl, ELLEN.  From what the Pix can gather, the only thing this wonderful bird does is dance, hug people and give away prizes to kids.  Everyone who comes on the show as a guest has to dance their way on to the set, where ELLEN then joins them in dancing and then they sit in comfy chairs and smile and laugh.  If we could stream ELLEN over every media spectrum to the Middle East, ISIS would drop their weapons and start dancing in about a week.  (The Pix just glance at the muted TV in the office, "Mother of Murdered Toddler speaks out".  In other words, it must be Friday morning......). 

So sorry for the rant, and like the Pix mentioned, you all instinctively know this.  But try muting your TV for 10 minutes some time and chanel surf......Pixie thinks you'll be surprised.....and you will need you some ELLEN!!!

The Pix:

Houston +5 over Miami:  Apparently this new Dolphins coach has really inspired his players. He's going to CHANGE THE CULTURE and HOLD PLAYERS ACCOUNTABLE.....AS MEN.  Dear lord.......yawn.  Every interim coach wets himself in week 1 trying to be the tough guy.  Wash, rinse, repeat....the Dolphins are a cess pool and the huge turd in the middle of it all is Ndomikong Suh.

Michigan -3 over Mich St: Yes, the Pix knows this game was last week, but BWAHAHAHAHH. AH AHA HA HAH!!!!! The Pix promises you that Jim Harbaugh has not had a bowel movement this week.  Maybe not even this month, but DEFINITELY not this week.  That's gotta hurt, or at least be extrememly uncomfortable.

Arizona -7 over Baltimore: BWAHAHAHAHAHHAH. The Ravens! 

Minn -2 over DET:  Again, glancing at the TV.....a road rage story on top and underneath the scroll describes Jared Fogle's plea deal....good times.

Cleveland +6 over Rams:  So Johnny Manziel was drinking again, driving over 100 mph, and his bird tried jumping out of a moving car.  And the bruises she had were from Johnny Football trying to stop her from...jumping out of the car....hmmmmmm, seems about right. 

Jax +5 over Buffalo:  Didn't take long for the Rex show to get old in Buffalo, did it?

Philly + 4 over Carolina: The media is going to sprain something sensitive as they all jump on the Kitty's bandwagon all at once.  Pix may have even seen Mark Brunell on NFLSPN crying and apologizing to Cam for (sniff, sniff) doubting him. The Pix will wait another week or so before we hand the Lombardi trophy to the Panthers and the MVP to Cam. 

Pitt - 2 over KC:  This line is weird.  Oh, wait, Landry Jones is involved?  Well then, KC +2 over Shittsburgh.

Atlanta -3 over TENN:  Ratings outside Atlanta should be somewhere between CSI: Green Bay and Lincoln Chaffeee UNPLUGGED.

Indy -4 over NO:  The Colts were cute, weren't they?  With their deflate gate signs and finalist banners.  The Pix can neither confirm nor deny that the Colts hung two new banners on Monday.  WE LED AT HALFTIME, and WE COVERED THE SPREAD.  The Pix won't even mention the FUNT or, as the Pix prefers, WHAT THE CHUCK. 

Jets +9 over Pats:  Reverse Jinx?  NOOOOO. NEVER.  Actually, the Pix is simply grabbing 9 points here and figures the Jets can back door cover the line like the Colts did.  That's all.  The Jets will go up 7, the Guru and Brady will adjust, deliciousness will be consumed, Pats will roll, and the Pix will make a pot roast.  Or pasta in a garlic sauce. Maybe lamb. Something Yummy. Thanking you.

See you Monday, ELLEN, Pix out.

Enough............seriously......ENOUGH

The Pix has had it. Pat fans have suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from ESPN and the NFL enough. From the slanderous and massively tainted Wells report to Roger Goodell's transparent attempts to besmirch the league's greatest player and railroad him into a suspension for, as the Pix sees it, being too AWESOME, we say....enough.

You think Brady needs a deflated ball to be the best? Well, since the balls have been "reinflated", Brady has thrown 15 td passes and one pick. Seems like the kid is getting the hang of this thing called passing....

Brady's AWESOME quotient is somewhere between Ghandi and Jesus....and the Pix doesn't even believe in Jesus (Ray Lewis does, though so.....)

Brady has every important passing record, Brady is better looking than Giselle, Brady speaks better than most Presidents, Brady makes Chuck Norris look like a chicken fried pussy, Brady and the Guru are like, wait.....there is NO analogy, Brady could crop dust the economy section of your Delta flight to Cleveland and you will think your are inhaling pure O2 and rosewater.

The Pix has been reluctant to defend Brady because every MASS hole frome here to Gt Barrington has already done so. And every nutless Brady basher has gone the other way with equal vehemence and delusion. It has already been said, over and over and over again.....but the Pix hasn't said it....so off we go. An entire Pix dedicated to the greates human being to ever live.

The PIX:

Atlanta -3 over NO. Who gives a fuck? This game is the type of dumpster fire that a Feb NBA tilt of Toronto vs. Denver reminds me of. Gay. There it is, Pix said it. Brady is such a stallion that Greg Hardy's interview this week consisted not only of his recognizing Brady's swordsmanship, but also Hardy asking for Giselle's sister to be at the game. This seems about right, because the closest Hardy would ever get to Brady's people is that his wife's sister may or may not be in the stands.

Cleveland +4 vs Denver. Did anybody else wonder why chicken neck didn't defend Brady this offseason? The Pix noticed. I guess if your "friend" kicks the shit out of you 8/10 times and has rendered your career impotent, a certain virulent and malignant strain of jealousy can implant itself into your being. And Peyton has a stage 5 Belinoma. The only cure? A blessing and pardon from...........BRADY.

Cinci -3 over Buffalo. So.........ESPN. Let's talk about the "Leader". They fire Olberman, Simmons and Whitlock.....their best on air and online talent. Why? Because they were the only three media talents who criticized Goodell and the NFL with an independent and fair take. Yet ESPN re signs Greeny (Jets fan) and Golic (Retard) because if ESPN told them to join ISIS and declare Jihad on Boston they would wet themselves on their way to strap on suicide vests.

KC +4 vs Minn. Chris Carter, Ray Lewis, Stephen A. Smith, Mark Brunell, Bill Polian, Jerome Bettis, Ladudian Tampon.....can the media find someone who Brady hasn't embarrased/pancaked/fisted pls?

Jax -1 vs Houston. Seriously?

Detroit -3 over Chicago. Pix thinks the Pats beat these teams 94-17 last season. Nope, correction, it was 30,756-10. Pix waits for ESPN to hire more Lions and Bears for objective commentary on the Pats.

Jets -6 over Wash. Since Brady and the Guru got their wondertwins thing going the Pats are 44-9 against the Jets and the Bills. Vegas has a word for that.........profit.

Arizona -3 at Shitsburgh. The Pix was in Dallas last weekend. The Pix was in Jerry Jones' suite. If Pfizer invented and anti-viagra, like if they invented a pill that could de-crank you, and the Pix took 10.....then when Brady spiked the ball after his QB sneak and let out a primordial scream that would make William Wallace look like Lincon Chafee...never mind, the Pix needs to stop right here.

Miami +2 over Tenn. It's really cute that these cities (all of them) have fan bases that root and buy jerseys and pretend they belong in the same league as Brady. Seriously....good for these little fellas...

Carolina +7 over Seattle. Here's the thing....Pix likes Pete Carroll and Richard Sherman. And Sherman is about the only NFL super star to come out and bang the NFL over deflategate. And the Seahawks played in the two greatest Super Bowls ever...raping Peyton and the Donkeys and admirably losing to the Pats. So the Pix wants Seattle in the playoffs. There.....the Pix said something nice.

GB -10 over SD. Good god the Bolts suck. Spineless, gutless, soft turds who are haunted by the Ghosts of Norv Turner and Ladudian "everyone knows how classy I am" Tampon. Go ahead and move to LA so you can become pure DIARRHEA. (Pix just realize that the word, diarrheah, is completely under used. Stand by for more diarrheah)

San Fran +4 over Baltimore. Ron Jaworski LAST SEASON said that after "reviewing all the tapes", Colin Crapernick might be......wait for it......the greatest QB in the history of the NFL. And "JAWS" still has a job. That's like the Surgeon General saying Aids and Ebola are good for you....if you smoke a pack of Camel unfiltered's and shoot up H in an alley with prostitutes from Port au Prince....daily...

New England -10 over INDY. Really? This is the line? Ok, there are more elephants (in the room) in the Lucas Oil Stadium than there are in Africa. Forget that the Dolts attempted to rat out the Pats for chicanery. Forget that these stains hung a "Finalist" banner in the same way Jared from Subway got "Not worst Pedophile" at the last Subway corporate circle jerk. Indy is in for, as the French say, a Fisting sans Lube. The last several times these teams have played the Patriots have won, decapitated the coach, and pissed in the ocular cavity of their bitch. This time it may not be so pleasant. Brady wants blood. Belichick wants blood and bone marrow. Kraft wants blood, marrow, and Jim Irsay's left nut. The Pix wants a cheese steak and a Tito's n'Tonic. It says here that all wishes will be fulfilled. Pats 54-Colts negative 6. O points on scoreboard and -6 for running out of the stadium for the first time in NFL history.

Enjoy the weekend my friends. Pix out.......