Nothing Super about this Bowl

As the Pix has been forced to digest two weeks of Super Bowl hype surrounding the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals, there have been times when the media has actually been able to confuse me about this game. The Pix predicted these two teams would meet two weeks ago and has been predicting the Cardinals would be in the Super Bowl since the playoffs began (although had the Chargers upsetting the Steelers earlier). The Pix estimates that at least half the talking heads at Fox, ESPN etc. have the Cardinals pulling the mild upset tomorrow. Even Vegas sees it close as the 7 point spread has not changed for two weeks. For the sake of comparrison, the Pats opened at 14 point favorites last year and the line moved to 12 1/2 by kickoff. The lesson? Both Pats and Giant fans like to bet and bet heavy on their teams. The lesson from the 09 line???????? Steeler fans have to be the biggest betting pussies in the history of gambling.

Seriously, how is line 7 points? Pittsburgh has been one of the three marquee franchises in NFL history. Like the Cowboys, Celtics and Yankees, they have fans all aroung the country. How many fans to the Cardinals have? Like 100? They are one of the all time lame franchises. They are one rung above the Washington Generals (the team the Globetrotters have a 764 game winning streak against). Where is all the Pennsylvania money going? They HAVE heard of betting, right? Is the recession avoiding the Steel city and they don't need the money? Because if the Patriots were laying 7 in this game the New England economy wouldn't need Obama's stimulus package Monday morning. Conversly, Vegas would implode.

Let's just review the New England connection here. The Steelers came into Foxboro, endured an ice storm and (with a big assist from Matthew Slater) thumped the Patriots. The Fraudinals came here, looked out their hotel windows and proceeded to hire a junior high school girls flag team to play the game in their place. The score was 31-0 at halftime. The Pix has to go back almost 70 years to Alsace to remember one side giving up so freely. So it's no wonder that the Bordeaux Cardinals don't exactly engender much confidence in the Pix.

Here's how the game is going to unfold.........Jordan Sparks will sing the anthem and Kurt Warner will proceed to wet himself the first time James Harrison blows by the left tackle and puts a hat on Warner. If there is one thing that stays in my mind from the NFC championship game, it's the third quarter when the Eagles started rushing 8 and Skirt Warner looked like a puppy after the first time it's had it's nose swatted for hosing down the linoleum. The Pix isn't saying that Skirt is fragile, but I've seen tougher origami. The Pix has no idea what the over/under is on Leinhart coming into the game, but I'd seriously look for the under at halftime. Remember this when you watch the game Sunday.....Skirt Warner wears a mouthguard. Can you think of any other NFL quarterbacks who wear mouthguards? The Pix can't either. And it's not like he can move out of the pocket either when the pocket collapses. The Pix has seen old women trying to take the trash to the curb over a sheet of ice move with more confidence.

Final score: Turds 41, Fraudinals 17.

That is all for now. The official children have decided to take off the no screaming sign. Perhaps a live commercial blog is in order. Stay tuned.

Championship Sunday

Let's face it........it gets more and more difficult to watch these games/turds as the faux playoffs continue without the best team in the NFL. The four remaining teams are more flawed than Ken Lewis' merger strategies (see Countrywide Financial, MBNA, Merrill). The Pats would go through these teams faster than a plate of scrambled eggs through Mr. Vegas after a night of 37 Miller Lite drafts at Sully's tap. Let's just fire off some random thoughts since the Pix has nothing coherent to say about 2 piss poor playoff turds/games.

Run, don't walk, to rent "Stepbrothers" with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. Great tip from the Hutchies. How did this movie slip through the cracks? The Pix is currently watching it for the second time in 24 hours. Better than "Superbad". Better than "Knocked up". Let's just say.......funniest movie since "Anchorman".

Rachel Nichols of ESPN is a piglet. It looks like her chin is going to touch her belly button when she scrunches up her face to pronounce the letter N. The Pix doesn't know if it's just a facial tic or a mini seizure, but she clearly has pictures of someone at the world wide leader.

Speaking of strange facial features.....what's up with Raven qb Joe Flacco? It looks like he's been sprinkling chia pet dust on his eyebrows in some sort of bizzare attempt to try out for the cast of "New Star Trek" while simultaneously guiding his team through the playoffs. There are uni brows, there are Klingons, and then there's Mr. Flacco. The Pix hasn't seen a trim job needed that badly since perusing early 70's Playboy centerfolds.

Here's a hypothetical......Let's say you go for "the snip" and the urology nurse tells you to take off your pants and boxers and sit on a cold table to await for her return. Let's say (hypothetically of course) that she's cute, blond, late 20's with a better than average rack and despite a little sketchy skin on the jawline, she's a poor woman's Ellen Pompeo. So (hypothetically) you are sitting there in a t shirt, sweater, and dark socks and you look down to review your most recent styling and realize that she may have to fine tune things for the doctor. And, well, um, the table is cold, the room is cold, you are contemplating two shots of novocaine to your junk bag and, um, you are somewhere between a baby turtle and George Costanza after swimming in the ocean. Do you A: fluff yourself hoping to stop at a reasonable level so as to not make it seem too obvious (don't want to reach ragerville) or B: Just accept the fact that this is probably not her first rodeo and it's only 50/50 that she'll tell all the other nurses that there's a new leader in the clubhouse?

Somehow lost in the news last week was that Osama Bin Laden issued another audio tape in which he had some words for our President elect regarding Gaza and other foreign policies. He then proceeded do declare Jihad on Israel. Um.....................the Pix admits that "Al Jezeera.com" isn't among the family bookmarks, but, really? Jihad on Israel? This wasn't already in effect? What the hell has been going on over there since 1949 in the first place? The Pix is not attempting to be insensitive, but I really had already assumed that the leader of Al Queda wasn't particularly fond of the Red Sea Pedestrians. It appears Osama did not get Lil Wayne's message about redundancy from the new years GQ.

Readers of the Pix know that when it comes to "American Idol", there are few better prognosticators around. Once the football season is over there's a fair chance this blog will convert completely to "Idol" coverage. Here's a little preaseason pick. Stevie, the cute Jessica Biel look alike 16 year old brunette was the best bird from night one. The tattooed slut who sang "Barracuda" is an atrocity. The ebony bird named Lil Rounds (big rounds is more like it you saucy little feline) was the best of night two. The Pix may have missed someone from the second hour due to frozen pea and vodka/cran managment. Stay tuned for more "Idol" commentary.

Finally, for the two readers who care....

Arizona 31, Philadelphia 21. The Pix just thinks Larry Fitzgerald is the best player on the field and that the Cards "D" is peaking at the right time. In addition, Donovan Mcwierd is less reliable in big games than timely service at the "Muffin Shop" when Louisa isn't working.

Pittsburgh 19, Baltimore 17. Bad weather, lot's of turnovers, lot's of chirping by murdering fraud Ray Lewis, lot's of announcer's ball washing the turd burglar and some good old fashioned refs cheating for the Steelers like they do in every big game. And lot's of the Pix thinking this game should be going on in Foxboroug right now.....

Enjoy your snowy Sundays. And enjoy the day off tomorrow.

divisional championships and 'Lil Wayne

A small rant before we get to the pigskin..........Santa gave the Pix the most recent issue of GQ magazine in his stocking this year and, well, if you want to know everything that's wrong in America these days....just go pick up a copy for yourselves. With the exception of the mildly attractive pre airbrush Jennifer Anniston lounging in nothing but a tie with other nudies....this magazine is horrible. Plus, is a semi nude JA supposed to titillate the Pix? Note to GQ and all other magazine editors....the inernets provide plenty of better pictures than the pg-13 tiredness that you spend so much money putting on the covers. Either man up and go with full frontal of just put a picture of a dirty martini on the cover. Either way, the Pix understands that I am not their core demographic. The last time the Pix purchased a magazine of f a "normal" newsrack was the 1990 Athalon draft preview. Moving on...

At the back of the issue was an article on Lil' Wayne. The Pix was remotely aware of the existence of some rapper by this monniker, but since the Pix is really "no school" vs. old or new, let's just say we had never crossed paths. Understandably, we never did hook up at paddle night in Weston. After reading a few paragraphs about this riciculous creature, the Pix flipped the page to a shirtless picture of Lil' standing and smoking a blunt....looking into the camera with an expression that said, "I'm baked, bored and more self important than Kim Jong Il". Even more fascinating was the head to waist ink that Ill Stain was sporting. Let's break down some of the messages that Ill Stain found so important he needed to fuse them onto his body forever:

1. On each of Stain's eyelids are the words "fear" and "Cod". Obviously, the player missed the cuttail classic. Cod have tiny little teeth that don't hurt and they don't even bite. They are a benign fish that have been fortifying the country with flaky sustenance for centuries. Why the fear? Oh, the left eyelid might say "God". Ok, sorry Stain. This is an obvious shout out to Stain's preference of the Old Testament's God of Abraham vs. the more forgiving father of Jesus introduced to us in the Gospels. I was probably confused by the cross tattoo between the eyebrows directly above another tat of what appears to be an erect phallus. Hard to tell.

2. Across Stain's entire abdomen are the giant words "cash money". Having misinterpreted one symbol already here, the Pix will give Stain the benefit of the doubt. Let's see......Clearly Stain wants us to contemplate redundancy. Ah, yes. Stain wants us to recognize the hypocrisy of post modern corporate greed and the consumer society dependent on debt. Touche Stain.

3. On Stain's left bicep is the corporate logo for Rolls Royce with the words...........Rolls Royce above and beneath. Brilliant!!! No doubt an homage to Edward Hopper and American "Realism" while simultaneously and paradoxically advertising the very emblem of British manufacturing quality and craftmanship.

4. Worthy of David's "Pieta", Stain has tattooed tear drops beneath his eyes. A thinly veiled reference to the crying Indian from the pollution ads from the '70's. One can only guess that "give a whoot, don't pollute" with a picture of woodsy the owl would have taken up too much space. Once again, Stain is playing chess while the rest of us play checkers.

5. The balance of Iil Stain's torso is replete with various squiggly lines and illegible messages that no doubt refer to world peace, sobriety, a good night's sleep and the enigma that is the egg salad sandwich. Scholars, I'm fairly sure, will be interpreting Stains deep messages and societal criticisms for years. Either that or he's just a silly man with too much money at too young an age with an appreciation for marijuana and irony. The Pix isn't through with this topic.

Time is up. Could be a more in depth football post tomorrow. If not:

Ravens +3 over Titans
Cardinals +10 over Panthers
Giants -4 over Philly
Chargers +6 over Pitt.

quick pix

in case not enough time for full post later...

Arizona +1 over ATL
Minn +3 over Philly
Balt -3 over Mia
Colts -1 over Bolts