The Pix took some time off from beating his children recently and went online to peruse the internets for some potential topics on which to opine. There was, of course, the usual....Balloon boy, John and Kate, Letterman and his ho's, Steve Phillips and his most unfortunate choice of crazy fat skank to sabotage his life with. So pedestrian, such low hanging fruit, so bourgeois. The Pix knows that his four readers really want international intrigue or perhaps some existential exercise debating the merits of cultural relative morality vs. a quasi Jungian approach to religious mores. Or maybe more porn titles. As usual, the theme for today's post is totally random and spontaneous. It comes from 3 of the 8 headlines from Fox news Boston.....which the Pix was directed to in order to vote on the game of the week for high school football. The three story lines Fox was pursuing were asinine even by Fox's standards. Here they are:
1. An article about colleges cracking down on beer pong due to the swine flu. Really? Seriously? There's "fluid sharing" going on at colleges? Folks, listen, the Pix has been to college. Tried to break into one last week. As far as the spread of communicable diseases is concerned on college campuses across this great nation, plastic beer cups and ping pong really shouldn't ring the register. Maybe funnels, "trains", and throwing on some guys lacrosse shorts sans undergarments for the walk of shame. Beer pong? Not so much. The Pix played and was witness to roughly 6 million games of beer pong freshman year alone and never once did the Pix witness cups being cross consumed from. Pissing in the SAE's air vents? Perhaps. Feeding a large stray dog a 5 lb bag of Alpo with a little ex-lax and locking him in the SAE basement? Can't confirm nor deny. Paying our "little sisters" to bake some turbo-lax into the SAE bake sale brownies the morning of Greek Week? Um, guilty. But the unwritten rules of beer pong were and are to this day clear. Drink from thine own cup.
2. A gym in Marblehead caused a stir when the owner decided to hang a 12 foot American flag above the staircase. No shit.....this was a real news story. There were actual members who complained. Some threatened to quit. Ummm........don't let the door or my right foot hit you on the ass on the way out. Want to irritate the Pix? 1-hide the remote. 2-use filtering software on the internets. 3-Say anything about Breet other than you are going to put anti-freeze in his gatorade. 4-Act like a self righteous half enlightened putz by claiming that even mild forms of Patriotism are xenophobic or offensive. Dear Lord, don't get the Pix started. First of all, this is the gym that Chris Piper worked out in ......trained in every day he was home before and between active duty where he served in Delta force at various times in South America, Iraq and Afghanistan (where as most people know he was fatally injured by an IOD). The Pix has a strong feeling that the same asshats that object to the flag in a gym are the pretentious poseurs who have the green "Not on Out Watch" signs in their front yards referring to Darfur. As the Pix has noted before, these people couldn't find Darfur on a map with the help of Google. Not on their watch? The last time the Pix checked, the Chinese demand for Sudanese oil and their desire to remain out of the types of conflicts the West has become involved with marginally outweigh their fear of economic sanctions emanating from 3 families in Marblehead. You fucking poseurs. Don't like the flag in the gym? Want to cancel your membership? Good, the Pix just joined that gym today thanks to you and if the Pix hears you complaining about the flag you are going to get a Darfur sign right up your ass. By the way, the Pix is slightly tipsy as he types this.
3. An article detailing the perils and emotional hardships brought on children by raising your voice. The article was titled "Is Yelling the new Spanking?". Allow the Pix to answer that question. Um............................no. If yelling is the new spanking, then the official wife is far more into bondage than the Pix had known. Seriously, isn't spanking the new spanking? And doesn't it work really well? The Pix was spanked so much as a child by the official father that the old man felt there was too much padding on the ass and went with a belt to the back of the thighs. That smarted. And yelling? If getting yelled at causes emotional scarring, the Pix would have long ago been at the Post Office with an AK-47 and thousand of armor piercing rounds. As it is, the Pix saves those for the green sign gang. But let's allow ourselves to indulge in a little new age pussified word euphemism for a moment, shall we? Actually, let's not. Let's go the opposite way.....Here are some Fox headlines you may read when the Pix takes over the Boston affiliate.
Is staying out late with the boys at a strip joint is the new getting home early and reading scripture?
Are biscuits and gravy the new the new carrots?
Is slamming some one's face into their windshield for not turning on the blinker is the new honking?
Is "Piss off" the new "no thank you"?
Is killing Breet the new euthanasia?
Obviously, none of these things are true, except the last, but here is a small list of what is..
40 is the new 30.......until the Pix turns 50
The '09 Pats are the new '02 Pats (winning the super bowl)
Mark Sanchez is the new dirty Sanchez.
The '09 Yankees are the new '03 Yankees (they lose in 7)
Spankwire is the new Red Tube
Oh, football...........The Pix:
Houston -3 @ Buffalo
Dolphins +3 @ Jets
SF +14 @ Colts
Dallas -10 over Sea
Browns + 14 @ Bears
NYG +1 @ Phi
SD -17 over Oak
Tenn -3 over Jax
AZ -10 over Carolina
GB -3 over Vikings......LOCK OF THE MILLENIUM
Atl +10 @ NO
Pix out....
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Dear Pix...
Most readers are already aware that the Pix is an expert on football, the internets, sandwich condiments and ancient Sumarian culture. The Pix is also considered fairly well versed in Asian currencies, American Presidents from 1804-1828, curing bed head, prison art and avoiding crowds, lines and traffic. What some readers may not be aware of, or even be surprised to hear is that the Pix is generally considered to be a relationship expert. The Pix hates to brag, but a trip or three around the old matrimonial pole tends to foster some major relationship skillz. Many a night the phone will ring or the blackberry will vibrate with someone, somewhere needing some emergency advice, Pix style. Therefore, in the spirit of matrimonial bliss and the general improvement of male/female relations......here is the first Pix advice column...all questions are real and have come from actual fop's. Names and places have been altered to protect the innocent.
Dear Pix,
I was recently overserved at a dinner party and was then woken up the next morning by my wife and kids at 9:30 am. What's wrong with this picture?
Signed, Dug from Marblehead
Dear Dug,
What's wrong with this picture? How about everything? First of all, the Pix requires 10 hours of comfy sleep starting at whatever time the Pix' head hits the pillow. It sounds like your woman is insensitive and doesn't care about your health. Not only that, what are the kids still doing in the house? They should be out raking leaves or getting a paper route. Good God, man. Get ahold of your situation pronto. My advice is to leave a note for the Mrs. with breakfast instructions and an approximate time for the meal is to be served. May I reccommend a #4 from the DD? Sometime around noon, I should think. That should leave you enough time to make any late fantasy football changes before the 1:00 games and to send the little lady to the liquor store in case you are running low on refreshing beverages. Needless to say, the remote should be properly placed on the left hand side of your breakfast tray and all shades should be drawn so that no devil sunlight will disturb your delightful repast.
Dear Pix,
Last Thursday morning I had to get dressed in a hurry for work. Sometime around noon I noticed that my wife had rolled one black sock with a navy blue one. You can imagine my disgust. How should I handle this egregious error?
Signed, Akky
Dear Akky,
First of all, I aplaud your patience and tolerance waiting for the Pix to reply before you acted. Although no one could have blamed you regardless of your response. The Pix, in cases such as these, recomends a sliding probationary scale for domestic injustices and disturbances. Improperly folding or matching the laundry is a serious offense. Fortunately in this case it was not mixing whites and darks together. For a first offense (which I have to suppose this is) I would revoke Oprah watching privaleges for one week. Second offense? Take away the car keys.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I live in a house with only one TV. Most of the time we watch what I want to watch, but occasionally I give in and let her watch an episode of "Grey's Anatomy". Should I just buy another TV?
Signed, Breet in Minneapolis
Dear Breet,
You have only one TV AND you let your wife choose shows? Why don't you just get a second job while your wife dates other men? Or even better, why don't you get on her facebook account and contact all her past boyfriends and set up a time when they can all watch "The View" and have a giant orgy? In the meantime you can go to the mall and buy her gift cards for endless massages and pedicures. Here's the Pix' advice: Put on your Jets jersey and walk into "The Triple OOO's" in Southie screaming that you voted for Obama and that Whitey Bulger liked dudes.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this month and I'd like to do something special for her. Any ideas?
Mr. Vegas in Marblehead
Dear Mr. Vegas,
First of all let me congratulate you on such a lengthy marriage. 5 years is a hurdle many couples struggle getting over. Now that you are clearly in such a secure place in your relationship, the Pix would argue that you are probably beyond the point in "trying" to impress the little lady any longer. Nonetheless, if you must, here's a few ideas for a special night out....first of all, pick a Thursday. ESPN usually has some decent conference football games on. You don't want to waste one of the "real" weekend nights on a date with your wife. Where's she going to go, right? Anyhoo, I'd say to hit "Hooters" for some wings and pre game beverages. Then head over to the "Fours" and get yourselves some good bar seats for the game. Preferrably on the corner so you can check out any hotties that walk behind her and not get busted. After the game, what say you take in some local dancers? Remember, Thursday is amateur night at the "Cabaret" and there is a nice little gift store next door for some late night entertainment. Be sure to leave your breakfast order where she can see it in the a.m.
Dear Pix,
Last Sunday my wife totally jinxed the Patriots by asking me what I wanted for dinner right when the ref called Leigh Bodden for taunting. Should I write coach Belichick and apologize? I'm afraid of the playoff tiebreak scenarios given that Denver is in our conference. On a related note, my wife is on TV probation and I have started her on a prescription of Uncle Wiggly's throat cream to help her not talk during games. Have I covered all the bases?
Signed, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The world is broken into two types of people. Those who "get it" and those who don't. Clearly, Anonymous "gets it". The Pix wouldn't write coach yet, there's a chance the game won't have playoff implications. As for the other points, well played.
That's all the time the Pix has for this week folks. You know the Pix is all about romance and treating the ladies right. Given proper instruction, there's no reason a good wife can't consistently keep the ball between the goalposts. Please feel free to email the Pix with any relationship questions you may have. If you are in need of some personal instruction, drop by the Pix' house on any given Sunday and see how the Pix do.
KC +6 at Washington
Saints -3 vs Giants
Buccs +5 vs Panthers
Texans +5 vs Bengals
Steelers -14 over Browns
Rams +11 over Jags
Det +14 over Packers
Raiders +14 over Eagles
Bills +10 over Jets
Tenn +10 over Pats
Chargers -3 over Donkeys
Official wife +10 over Pix after reading this post
Pix out.
Dear Pix,
I was recently overserved at a dinner party and was then woken up the next morning by my wife and kids at 9:30 am. What's wrong with this picture?
Signed, Dug from Marblehead
Dear Dug,
What's wrong with this picture? How about everything? First of all, the Pix requires 10 hours of comfy sleep starting at whatever time the Pix' head hits the pillow. It sounds like your woman is insensitive and doesn't care about your health. Not only that, what are the kids still doing in the house? They should be out raking leaves or getting a paper route. Good God, man. Get ahold of your situation pronto. My advice is to leave a note for the Mrs. with breakfast instructions and an approximate time for the meal is to be served. May I reccommend a #4 from the DD? Sometime around noon, I should think. That should leave you enough time to make any late fantasy football changes before the 1:00 games and to send the little lady to the liquor store in case you are running low on refreshing beverages. Needless to say, the remote should be properly placed on the left hand side of your breakfast tray and all shades should be drawn so that no devil sunlight will disturb your delightful repast.
Dear Pix,
Last Thursday morning I had to get dressed in a hurry for work. Sometime around noon I noticed that my wife had rolled one black sock with a navy blue one. You can imagine my disgust. How should I handle this egregious error?
Signed, Akky
Dear Akky,
First of all, I aplaud your patience and tolerance waiting for the Pix to reply before you acted. Although no one could have blamed you regardless of your response. The Pix, in cases such as these, recomends a sliding probationary scale for domestic injustices and disturbances. Improperly folding or matching the laundry is a serious offense. Fortunately in this case it was not mixing whites and darks together. For a first offense (which I have to suppose this is) I would revoke Oprah watching privaleges for one week. Second offense? Take away the car keys.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I live in a house with only one TV. Most of the time we watch what I want to watch, but occasionally I give in and let her watch an episode of "Grey's Anatomy". Should I just buy another TV?
Signed, Breet in Minneapolis
Dear Breet,
You have only one TV AND you let your wife choose shows? Why don't you just get a second job while your wife dates other men? Or even better, why don't you get on her facebook account and contact all her past boyfriends and set up a time when they can all watch "The View" and have a giant orgy? In the meantime you can go to the mall and buy her gift cards for endless massages and pedicures. Here's the Pix' advice: Put on your Jets jersey and walk into "The Triple OOO's" in Southie screaming that you voted for Obama and that Whitey Bulger liked dudes.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this month and I'd like to do something special for her. Any ideas?
Mr. Vegas in Marblehead
Dear Mr. Vegas,
First of all let me congratulate you on such a lengthy marriage. 5 years is a hurdle many couples struggle getting over. Now that you are clearly in such a secure place in your relationship, the Pix would argue that you are probably beyond the point in "trying" to impress the little lady any longer. Nonetheless, if you must, here's a few ideas for a special night out....first of all, pick a Thursday. ESPN usually has some decent conference football games on. You don't want to waste one of the "real" weekend nights on a date with your wife. Where's she going to go, right? Anyhoo, I'd say to hit "Hooters" for some wings and pre game beverages. Then head over to the "Fours" and get yourselves some good bar seats for the game. Preferrably on the corner so you can check out any hotties that walk behind her and not get busted. After the game, what say you take in some local dancers? Remember, Thursday is amateur night at the "Cabaret" and there is a nice little gift store next door for some late night entertainment. Be sure to leave your breakfast order where she can see it in the a.m.
Dear Pix,
Last Sunday my wife totally jinxed the Patriots by asking me what I wanted for dinner right when the ref called Leigh Bodden for taunting. Should I write coach Belichick and apologize? I'm afraid of the playoff tiebreak scenarios given that Denver is in our conference. On a related note, my wife is on TV probation and I have started her on a prescription of Uncle Wiggly's throat cream to help her not talk during games. Have I covered all the bases?
Signed, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The world is broken into two types of people. Those who "get it" and those who don't. Clearly, Anonymous "gets it". The Pix wouldn't write coach yet, there's a chance the game won't have playoff implications. As for the other points, well played.
That's all the time the Pix has for this week folks. You know the Pix is all about romance and treating the ladies right. Given proper instruction, there's no reason a good wife can't consistently keep the ball between the goalposts. Please feel free to email the Pix with any relationship questions you may have. If you are in need of some personal instruction, drop by the Pix' house on any given Sunday and see how the Pix do.
KC +6 at Washington
Saints -3 vs Giants
Buccs +5 vs Panthers
Texans +5 vs Bengals
Steelers -14 over Browns
Rams +11 over Jags
Det +14 over Packers
Raiders +14 over Eagles
Bills +10 over Jets
Tenn +10 over Pats
Chargers -3 over Donkeys
Official wife +10 over Pix after reading this post
Pix out.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Sartorial Splendor
First of all, let's address the elephant in the room. Or the Stain on the earth. We all saw Breet last Monday night. The Duke of Douchiness, the The Prime Minister of Putrescence, the Viscount of Vaginosis.......Breet. As a lover of the history channel, it occurs to the Pix that the the three worst people of the last century were in ascending order:
1.Hitler....not much need for explanation here.
2.Pol Pot....leader of Khmer Rouge responsible for the killing of 21% the population of his own nation of Cambodia. (Not to be confused with Pot Paul, a suburban tennis playing puffer).
3.Breet. A proven kitten drowner and child molester. Rumors that he provided Roman Polanski with the Champagne and Quaaludes used n sodomizing a 13 year old girl have been confirmed by the Pix. As have rumors regarding the fact that Breet enjoys pickles with his cheeseburgers, bestiality and long walks on the beach. Ok, I made the last one up, but long walks on the beach are overrated.
The one thing the Pix will admit is that Breet looked good in purple. Why? Because the Vikings were wearing their throwback uniforms. The Pix has mentioned this before, but virtually every throwback uniform looks better than the current duds. Pun intended. Part of enjoying a football game in high definition is the aesthetics. And not to completely get my gay back, but the Pix has some thoughts on today's NFL uniforms. The Pix:
Viqueens -9 at Rams: The Vikings need to punt the swirly Nike designs they adopted a few years ago and to back to the unis they wore Monday night. The horned helmet design is a classic, but spike the purple pants on away games. They're gay. The Rams succumbed to the classic marketing strategy of the past decade by changing from yellow to gold after they won a Superbowl. Look at what has happened since. If it was good enough for Lawrence McCutchen, it should be good enough for you, Lambs.
Bengals +9 at Ravens: The first year the Bengals went to the striped helmet they went to the Superbowl. What seemed a little aggressive at the time are now pretty classic uniforms. Well played, Cinci. The Ravens? A forced look for a non descript team with no history playing in a city that becomes more and more minor league every year. Purple and black is not a color scheme. It's an accident between a pacer and a gremlin.
Redskins +4 at Panthers: The only thing left for the once proud Washington franchise is their great uniforms. Maybe the best helmet in the NFL. Personally, the Pix prefers the old Billy Kilmer uniforms from the 1972 Superbowl team over the Joe Theisman era two strip symmetrical sartor, but that's picking nits. However, if the Supreme Court makes them change their names and logos to something gay like the Lorax or Sneetches, the Pix reserves the right to revoke their high grade. The Panthers are boring and barely belong in the NFL. Every (almost) week the Pix wastes valuable second of his life writing useless words about the Panthers. Let's pretend they don't exist.
Steelers -11 over Lions. Two of the sweetest unis in the league. Although the Lions added that worthless black stripe to the proceedings a few years back in an effort to climb from 32 to 31 in merchandise sales. Memo to Lions: shitcan the black stripe. Steelers unis? Delicious!(was that too gay?)
*******Special Pix Public Service Announcement*******
People, people, people......the word "hysterical" doesn't mean what you think it means. You mean hilarious, not hysterical. Hysterical refers (according to Webster's) to a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability, or behavior exhibiting overwhelming fear. The Greeks thought the condition was particular to women and originated in the Uterus (Breet gets hysterical from time to time). It doesn't mean funny. Repeat, it doesn't mean funny. Thank you, please drive through.
Cowboys -8 over Chiefs: Nothing to see here. Just two solid traditional NFL uniforms that should never be tampered with. Maybe the Supreme Court will make the Chiefs remove the arrowhead shape from their helmets and replace it with a stalk of wheat or a hexagon. Has the Pix mentioned that the Supreme Court is gay?
Giants minus infinity against the Raiders: Kudos to the Giants for switching back to their uniforms from the 50's a few years back. Huge improvement over their 1980's quasi streamlined blocky cocaine laced uniforms. And where would the Raiders be without their classic silver and black with the coolest helmet logo in the NFL. What's that? They'd still be 1-3 with a real shot at 1-15? True that. Moving on....
Bucs +15 at Eagles: The Bucs' uniforms are a good example of no good intentions going unpunished. These unis suck. They remind me of a pancake house menu. The orange and white beauties from 1976 should never have been changed. The Pix has spoken, end of story. The Eagles efforts are solid, but the wing looks a little weird on the helmet. Best Eagle unis? Think Randall Cunningham, Keith Jackson and Reggie White's team under Buddy Ryan. The 2009 version makes me think Donovan Mcboring. Which makes me yawn. The Pix is getting sleepy.
Bills -6 over Browns: A few years back the Pix wrote about the conversation that somehow must have taken place decades ago in Cleveland........"Hey fellas, we need a color to go with Brown for our new football team named after me, the Browns?"...."How about Orange?"....And , well, the rest is history. As far as the Bills are concerned? (And no lie, this team is named after their first owner as well, Bill someone. As the Pix has said before, it's a good thing his first name wasn't Richard) Only a franchise as lame as the Bills could go with a uniform that screams fashion disaster over their classic throw backs. Incredible. And the red helmets? An abortion. Here's a list of people who should wear red helmets: Firemen. That's it, that's the list.
Niners -2 over Falcons: Let' just say the Falcon's color scheme matches their city and leave it at that, shall we? The 49'ers uniforms are, in the opinion of the Pix, the best in the NFL right now. But here's the thing.....Mike Singeltary wears a GIANT wooden cross (the cross of St. Andrew) around his neck on the outside of his clothes. The Pix is all for freedom of religion, but what if, for example, Marv Levy had worn a hubcap sized star of David around his neck? Think anyone would notice? What if Kareem Abdul Jabaar strolled the sidelines in a Niqab (He was a chick)? It's just a little out there is all the Pix is saying. We get it, Mike. You are a Christian. Congrats.
Colts -3 at Titans. Colts good unis. Titans lame and pathetic. Moving on.
Jets -2 at Dolphins: Jets were wise to go back to the Namath unis and shit can those Kermit outfits that stalwarts like Richard Todd Joe Klecko wore. Those things were as boring as Penn St.'s. The 1972 Dolphin unis were the best in the history of the league. Ever since they added a weird navy blue accent they have lost their identity. Half the time when I turn on a Dolphins game it take me a second to make sure it's not the Jaguars. That didn't used to be the case. Most know that the Pix was a huge Dolphin fan growing up. It took Don Shula losing his 187,408th lead using the prevent defense to finally turn the Pix into a Pats fan. What's that? You don't care? Alrighty then....
Pats -infinity at Donkeys. Two of the worst uniform violations committed in the history of the NFL. First, the Donkeys. Orange was their signature color! You always knew the Donkeys from 1. the hideous orange jerseys, 2. the hideous light/royal/weird shade of blue helmets with a logo too big for it's size and 3. from 1959 through 1999 they didn't play away games. And Donkey Elway's teeth. Holy gums, batman. Hey John. Mr. Ed called and said he wants his mandible and maxilla back. Now their uniforms make me think of Donkey Shannon Sharpe, speaking of huge pie holes. The Pix misses Shannon. Shannon is the only person alive that speaks worse than mumbles Menino. Those two should star on a game show called "what the **&^*%^ did he just say?" And the Patriots? C'mon. Admit it, the Flying Elvis is gay. Fortunately for the Kraft family, the Pix is here to help. Bring back Pat the Patriot logo, keep silver and blue as the color scheme with red piping and bring back the old style of straight lined uni with shoulder stripes. There, it's done.
Unfortunately for the teams with bye weeks this week, they won't have their uniforms broken down by the Pix, a tragedy for them to be sure. As a consolation prize, the Pix will rate the top uniforms of the other major sports....
Best Hockey uniforms:
1. Blackhawks
2. Red Wings
3. Maple Leafs
4. Canadiens
5. Bruins
Hoops:
1. Celtics
2. Bulls
3. Rockets
4. That's it, the rest are horrible
Baseball:
1. Cardinals
2. Red Sox
3. Dodgers
4. Cubs
5. Phillies
College football:
1. Notre Dame
2. Ohio St.
3. UCLA
4. Texas
5. Nebraska
College Hoops:
1. North Carolina
2. Davidson
3. Maryland
4. Louisville
5. UCLA
Please don't overwhelm the comments section as much as you have in weeks past. The Pix can't digest more than 1 reader comment per week. Last Pix public service announcement....if you haven't discovered comcast channel 287 yet, go there Sunday. yes, readers of the Pix, there is a Santa Claus.
Pix out......
1.Hitler....not much need for explanation here.
2.Pol Pot....leader of Khmer Rouge responsible for the killing of 21% the population of his own nation of Cambodia. (Not to be confused with Pot Paul, a suburban tennis playing puffer).
3.Breet. A proven kitten drowner and child molester. Rumors that he provided Roman Polanski with the Champagne and Quaaludes used n sodomizing a 13 year old girl have been confirmed by the Pix. As have rumors regarding the fact that Breet enjoys pickles with his cheeseburgers, bestiality and long walks on the beach. Ok, I made the last one up, but long walks on the beach are overrated.
The one thing the Pix will admit is that Breet looked good in purple. Why? Because the Vikings were wearing their throwback uniforms. The Pix has mentioned this before, but virtually every throwback uniform looks better than the current duds. Pun intended. Part of enjoying a football game in high definition is the aesthetics. And not to completely get my gay back, but the Pix has some thoughts on today's NFL uniforms. The Pix:
Viqueens -9 at Rams: The Vikings need to punt the swirly Nike designs they adopted a few years ago and to back to the unis they wore Monday night. The horned helmet design is a classic, but spike the purple pants on away games. They're gay. The Rams succumbed to the classic marketing strategy of the past decade by changing from yellow to gold after they won a Superbowl. Look at what has happened since. If it was good enough for Lawrence McCutchen, it should be good enough for you, Lambs.
Bengals +9 at Ravens: The first year the Bengals went to the striped helmet they went to the Superbowl. What seemed a little aggressive at the time are now pretty classic uniforms. Well played, Cinci. The Ravens? A forced look for a non descript team with no history playing in a city that becomes more and more minor league every year. Purple and black is not a color scheme. It's an accident between a pacer and a gremlin.
Redskins +4 at Panthers: The only thing left for the once proud Washington franchise is their great uniforms. Maybe the best helmet in the NFL. Personally, the Pix prefers the old Billy Kilmer uniforms from the 1972 Superbowl team over the Joe Theisman era two strip symmetrical sartor, but that's picking nits. However, if the Supreme Court makes them change their names and logos to something gay like the Lorax or Sneetches, the Pix reserves the right to revoke their high grade. The Panthers are boring and barely belong in the NFL. Every (almost) week the Pix wastes valuable second of his life writing useless words about the Panthers. Let's pretend they don't exist.
Steelers -11 over Lions. Two of the sweetest unis in the league. Although the Lions added that worthless black stripe to the proceedings a few years back in an effort to climb from 32 to 31 in merchandise sales. Memo to Lions: shitcan the black stripe. Steelers unis? Delicious!(was that too gay?)
*******Special Pix Public Service Announcement*******
People, people, people......the word "hysterical" doesn't mean what you think it means. You mean hilarious, not hysterical. Hysterical refers (according to Webster's) to a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability, or behavior exhibiting overwhelming fear. The Greeks thought the condition was particular to women and originated in the Uterus (Breet gets hysterical from time to time). It doesn't mean funny. Repeat, it doesn't mean funny. Thank you, please drive through.
Cowboys -8 over Chiefs: Nothing to see here. Just two solid traditional NFL uniforms that should never be tampered with. Maybe the Supreme Court will make the Chiefs remove the arrowhead shape from their helmets and replace it with a stalk of wheat or a hexagon. Has the Pix mentioned that the Supreme Court is gay?
Giants minus infinity against the Raiders: Kudos to the Giants for switching back to their uniforms from the 50's a few years back. Huge improvement over their 1980's quasi streamlined blocky cocaine laced uniforms. And where would the Raiders be without their classic silver and black with the coolest helmet logo in the NFL. What's that? They'd still be 1-3 with a real shot at 1-15? True that. Moving on....
Bucs +15 at Eagles: The Bucs' uniforms are a good example of no good intentions going unpunished. These unis suck. They remind me of a pancake house menu. The orange and white beauties from 1976 should never have been changed. The Pix has spoken, end of story. The Eagles efforts are solid, but the wing looks a little weird on the helmet. Best Eagle unis? Think Randall Cunningham, Keith Jackson and Reggie White's team under Buddy Ryan. The 2009 version makes me think Donovan Mcboring. Which makes me yawn. The Pix is getting sleepy.
Bills -6 over Browns: A few years back the Pix wrote about the conversation that somehow must have taken place decades ago in Cleveland........"Hey fellas, we need a color to go with Brown for our new football team named after me, the Browns?"...."How about Orange?"....And , well, the rest is history. As far as the Bills are concerned? (And no lie, this team is named after their first owner as well, Bill someone. As the Pix has said before, it's a good thing his first name wasn't Richard) Only a franchise as lame as the Bills could go with a uniform that screams fashion disaster over their classic throw backs. Incredible. And the red helmets? An abortion. Here's a list of people who should wear red helmets: Firemen. That's it, that's the list.
Niners -2 over Falcons: Let' just say the Falcon's color scheme matches their city and leave it at that, shall we? The 49'ers uniforms are, in the opinion of the Pix, the best in the NFL right now. But here's the thing.....Mike Singeltary wears a GIANT wooden cross (the cross of St. Andrew) around his neck on the outside of his clothes. The Pix is all for freedom of religion, but what if, for example, Marv Levy had worn a hubcap sized star of David around his neck? Think anyone would notice? What if Kareem Abdul Jabaar strolled the sidelines in a Niqab (He was a chick)? It's just a little out there is all the Pix is saying. We get it, Mike. You are a Christian. Congrats.
Colts -3 at Titans. Colts good unis. Titans lame and pathetic. Moving on.
Jets -2 at Dolphins: Jets were wise to go back to the Namath unis and shit can those Kermit outfits that stalwarts like Richard Todd Joe Klecko wore. Those things were as boring as Penn St.'s. The 1972 Dolphin unis were the best in the history of the league. Ever since they added a weird navy blue accent they have lost their identity. Half the time when I turn on a Dolphins game it take me a second to make sure it's not the Jaguars. That didn't used to be the case. Most know that the Pix was a huge Dolphin fan growing up. It took Don Shula losing his 187,408th lead using the prevent defense to finally turn the Pix into a Pats fan. What's that? You don't care? Alrighty then....
Pats -infinity at Donkeys. Two of the worst uniform violations committed in the history of the NFL. First, the Donkeys. Orange was their signature color! You always knew the Donkeys from 1. the hideous orange jerseys, 2. the hideous light/royal/weird shade of blue helmets with a logo too big for it's size and 3. from 1959 through 1999 they didn't play away games. And Donkey Elway's teeth. Holy gums, batman. Hey John. Mr. Ed called and said he wants his mandible and maxilla back. Now their uniforms make me think of Donkey Shannon Sharpe, speaking of huge pie holes. The Pix misses Shannon. Shannon is the only person alive that speaks worse than mumbles Menino. Those two should star on a game show called "what the **&^*%^ did he just say?" And the Patriots? C'mon. Admit it, the Flying Elvis is gay. Fortunately for the Kraft family, the Pix is here to help. Bring back Pat the Patriot logo, keep silver and blue as the color scheme with red piping and bring back the old style of straight lined uni with shoulder stripes. There, it's done.
Unfortunately for the teams with bye weeks this week, they won't have their uniforms broken down by the Pix, a tragedy for them to be sure. As a consolation prize, the Pix will rate the top uniforms of the other major sports....
Best Hockey uniforms:
1. Blackhawks
2. Red Wings
3. Maple Leafs
4. Canadiens
5. Bruins
Hoops:
1. Celtics
2. Bulls
3. Rockets
4. That's it, the rest are horrible
Baseball:
1. Cardinals
2. Red Sox
3. Dodgers
4. Cubs
5. Phillies
College football:
1. Notre Dame
2. Ohio St.
3. UCLA
4. Texas
5. Nebraska
College Hoops:
1. North Carolina
2. Davidson
3. Maryland
4. Louisville
5. UCLA
Please don't overwhelm the comments section as much as you have in weeks past. The Pix can't digest more than 1 reader comment per week. Last Pix public service announcement....if you haven't discovered comcast channel 287 yet, go there Sunday. yes, readers of the Pix, there is a Santa Claus.
Pix out......
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