The dog whisperer getting sentenced, the Mitchell report, the Fed's rate
cut, the Jets coming for their sentencing....all big stories this week
to be sure. All, however, pale in comparrison to the earth shattering
news broken on the Drudge report yesterday, "Liza Minnelli collapses on
stage in Sweden". Liza Minnelli??!! What the...??!! Who pays money to
see Liza Minnelli!? What the hell is going on over there in Sweden?
Last time the Pix checked, there are Swedish babes in Sweden. What's
worse, apparently the fans started rioting upon hearing the show had
been cancelled. The Pix likes his Krone as much as the next guy, but
let it go Sweden. I'm sure you can get a credit for the next ABBA show.
Liza Minnelli's face is a modern art experiment gone bad. She looks
like a hammerhead on crack. She put the cube in cubism. Picasso and
Duchamp would have stopped painting had they seen Liza and said, "wait,
that's it, that's what we were going for!" Liza's face is the reason
Judy Garland did drugs. I know that Judy was Liza's mom, but how does a
woman who looked like Judy Garland spawn such a piglet? She looks more
like the lovechild of Tammy Faye Baker and Edward James Olmos (look him
up...ok, welcome back). And her voice sounds like Fran Drescher being
caught in a beaver trap. Forced between having relations between Liza
Minelli and the dude who played her dad in "Arthur", I'd choose....well,
Liza, but it's closer than it should be. I know it's dark for like 22
hours a day in Sweden this time of year, but there has to be a better
answer than that heinous battleaxe. Please, Sweden, for the love of God
and all that is holy, get ahold of yourselves. The Pix.........
New Pix policy for this time of year (since I know no one reads actual
football picks anyways), only relevant games warrant commentary.
Cinmates -8 over SF. Game matters due to niners draft pick belonging to
Pats. Mike Nolan's team is more dysfunctional than EYC council. Or for
the out of town folks, the Lohans.
TB -14 over ATL. Not for nothing, but if I'm Arthur Blank (owner of
Falcons and largest shareholder of Home Depot), I spring for the Jerry
Jones plastic surgery. Police up that beak Arthur. Carl Malden thinks
your nose is too big. (I know he's dead but Jimmy Durante is more
dead).
Cleve -5 over Buffalo. Another juicy story from this week was that
Michael Flatley, "Lord of the Dance", won his rape case vs the stripper
who got impregnated by Brian Urlacher. Then he counter sued and won 5
million in damages. Aside from the fact that this makes him "Lord of
the Countersuit" just as much as the dance, how does one become "Lord"
of anything? I think it's a self nickname thing. I would heretofore
like to be called , "The Pix: Lord of Deliciousness".
GB -8 over Rams. Pix currently looking for any genealogical connections
between Breet and Liza Minnelli. So far can only link her up to Gerard
Depardieux, Paula Poundstone and Methusela.
Jax +4 over Turd. Thanks to the weather, the burglar won't be getting
kicked in the scrotalia this weekend by the Pix and the Player. He
will, however, get his ovaries smashed in by the Jaguar d line.
Det +12 over Ladudian Tampon and the Phillip Rivers eunuch choir. Was
looking for Shawn Merriman's name in the Mitchell report. I guess this
is as good a time as any to bring up Clemens and Roids/HGH. Hold on,
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhhahahahhahahah........uhuhuuhuhuuhahahahaha
hahhahahahhaha. Ok, that felt good. Did he really think no one was
going to notice? Then again, this is the same man who said he chose
Toronto over Boston so he could spend more time with his family (in
Texas). What a stain. What a fraud. What an ignorant, arrogant piece
of garbage (Translation, typical Yankee, sorry Gal). His lawyer's
response last night was even more pathetic. Stating that there is no
evidence Dodger ever used steroids. Um, there's no evidence I've ever
had a can of deliciousness in my life either, but I'm pretty sure people
know I did. At least Petitte's attorney was smart enough to tell his
client just to keep his mouth shut. Oh, yeah, that's because he's still
playing. Will be interesting to see how he pitches this year off the
juice. No wonder he so strongly considered retiring. Let's just add
the Yankees up for a moment. Giambi, Sheffield, Stanton, Petitte,
Clemens.....anyone other than Torre and the Gerbil not on the juice?
NY -4 over Wash. Holiday commercials.....it's bad enough that Lexus
thinks I'm going to buy the official wife a car this year and they keep
taunting me about it, I got an email from Beazer homes the other day
entitled, "Unwrap an new home for the holiday's. Final week." Um,
we're starting to look and everything, but for Christmas I really had in
mind a pair of Ughs and some pajamas for the little lady. Maybe even a
coupon for a sheet lift during a Dutch oven. Lexus, Beazer, guys, why
don't you go join Sweden in a "time out"? Check yourselves before you
wreck yourselves.
Jets +24 over Pats. Look, the jokes have been made. The story line has
been beaten worse than Ike Turner and James Brown's ladies. Nobody
covers 24 points in a blizzard/rain/wind storm. Except, maybe.......a
disgruntled Guru, perhaps? Remember in "Remember the Titans" when
Denzel Washington tosses a banana at the opposing coach in lieu of a
post game handshake? That's what the Guru should do. Walk by
Manjobless and simply toss him a camcorder and a pink slip. Last week
the Pix missed the exact score against the Turds by 3 points (34-13 vs
31-13). This week final score, and yes I'm now taking the Pats. NE 27,
Manginajudasjobless and his merry band of Jets 0. As in 0.00. As in
Blutarski's GPA for the fall semester at Faber.
Enjoy the snow everyone, Pix OUT.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Friday, December 7, 2007
And the 2007 Sportsman of the year is.........Oh, dear God. Sweet fancy
Moses. Son of a Motherless goat. It's Beelzebub himself. The
Anti-Christ. Satan. Yea,verily, the similarities between Breet and
Lucifer are too plentiful to ignore. And this latest sign of the
impending apocolypse (Breet on the cover of SI)is unsettling to say the
least. According to most Christian sects, Satan started out as the
highest of all angels, the brightest in the sky. Similarly, Breet's
early years were fairly legit (1 earned MVP. Two bogus). But then
Satan's pride overcame him as he failed to bow to God and sought to rule
the heavens himself. He tempted Eve throught he Serpent (Peter King)
and was identifed as the accuser of Job (Tom Brady). Indeed, one can
see Breet's pride wash over him as he roots against his own backup
quarterback on the sidelines and when he pretends to retire every year,
shedding crocodile tears after the last game knowing he will simply wait
until the slurps reach their crescendo and he returns. In the book of
Revelation Satan is cast into a lake of fire. The pix couldn't find one
of those so we'll have to settle for something similar. A "Door down"
should do the trick. Also known as the "blue pushup", the door down is
when someone enters the port-a-potty and you tip it over, door side down
so the victim can't escape. This is where Breet belongs. The Pix...
Oak +10 over GB. Speaking of the port-a-potty, is there a worse feeling
than having to play an "away game" and your only option is the blue
closet? Other than having to worry about potential door down scenarios
(especially if you are at Foxboro), you always find yourself (no matter
how hard you try not to) sneaking a look into the bottom of the pit and
then have to fight off the urge to puke. Good times.
Cleve -3 over Manjobless. While we are on the topic, Manjudas is
looking a little "backed up" on the sidelines these days. Being a
preseason playoff pick and then skidding to a 3-9 start will do that to
you. The stain of the Jets' season can't be wiped away.
Indy -9 over Baltimore. This away game will be much more comfortable
for Indy than when the Pix had somewhat of an emergency at the Salem
Diner. Oh, and row #31 on US Air from Boston to Pittsburgh?.....wicked
sorry.
Ohio St +13 over LSU. Don't even know if this is the spread, just
wanted the opportunity to use the word bowel season, er, bowl season.
No -5 over Atl. The dog whisperer get's senenced this Monday. The Pix
remembers the first time he saw a jail cell. It was on a school field
trip in the 3rd grade (we now know that it was an excuse for THE MAN to
fingerprint us all) and the single biggest deterrent there was the
"facilities" being out in the open. No door. No toilet seat. The Pix
would not do well in prison.
Dallas -10 over Detroit. Best consumer improvements of the last
decade....the 30 pack, HD television, Charmin with Aloe.
All other games meaningless.
Pats -13 over Turd burglar. How fitting. We finish with the man whose
nickname somehow became the theme for this week's Pix. The Burglar is
only slightly less overrated than Beelzebub. If it weren't for the
refs' fisting Seattle in the Superbowl and taking the attention away
from the Turdburglar's disastrous performance, we would all simply know
him as a dude who drinks like a Cossack and bounces his grape on the
pavement while taking a domeless rice rocket ride. Not helping him any
this week is the rookie db who "guaranteed a victory" for the mini
turds. Pathetic. The Guru owns the Steelers (5-1 in last 6 games) like
Hilary owns ugly. Pats 31, Turds 17.
Pix out.
Moses. Son of a Motherless goat. It's Beelzebub himself. The
Anti-Christ. Satan. Yea,verily, the similarities between Breet and
Lucifer are too plentiful to ignore. And this latest sign of the
impending apocolypse (Breet on the cover of SI)is unsettling to say the
least. According to most Christian sects, Satan started out as the
highest of all angels, the brightest in the sky. Similarly, Breet's
early years were fairly legit (1 earned MVP. Two bogus). But then
Satan's pride overcame him as he failed to bow to God and sought to rule
the heavens himself. He tempted Eve throught he Serpent (Peter King)
and was identifed as the accuser of Job (Tom Brady). Indeed, one can
see Breet's pride wash over him as he roots against his own backup
quarterback on the sidelines and when he pretends to retire every year,
shedding crocodile tears after the last game knowing he will simply wait
until the slurps reach their crescendo and he returns. In the book of
Revelation Satan is cast into a lake of fire. The pix couldn't find one
of those so we'll have to settle for something similar. A "Door down"
should do the trick. Also known as the "blue pushup", the door down is
when someone enters the port-a-potty and you tip it over, door side down
so the victim can't escape. This is where Breet belongs. The Pix...
Oak +10 over GB. Speaking of the port-a-potty, is there a worse feeling
than having to play an "away game" and your only option is the blue
closet? Other than having to worry about potential door down scenarios
(especially if you are at Foxboro), you always find yourself (no matter
how hard you try not to) sneaking a look into the bottom of the pit and
then have to fight off the urge to puke. Good times.
Cleve -3 over Manjobless. While we are on the topic, Manjudas is
looking a little "backed up" on the sidelines these days. Being a
preseason playoff pick and then skidding to a 3-9 start will do that to
you. The stain of the Jets' season can't be wiped away.
Indy -9 over Baltimore. This away game will be much more comfortable
for Indy than when the Pix had somewhat of an emergency at the Salem
Diner. Oh, and row #31 on US Air from Boston to Pittsburgh?.....wicked
sorry.
Ohio St +13 over LSU. Don't even know if this is the spread, just
wanted the opportunity to use the word bowel season, er, bowl season.
No -5 over Atl. The dog whisperer get's senenced this Monday. The Pix
remembers the first time he saw a jail cell. It was on a school field
trip in the 3rd grade (we now know that it was an excuse for THE MAN to
fingerprint us all) and the single biggest deterrent there was the
"facilities" being out in the open. No door. No toilet seat. The Pix
would not do well in prison.
Dallas -10 over Detroit. Best consumer improvements of the last
decade....the 30 pack, HD television, Charmin with Aloe.
All other games meaningless.
Pats -13 over Turd burglar. How fitting. We finish with the man whose
nickname somehow became the theme for this week's Pix. The Burglar is
only slightly less overrated than Beelzebub. If it weren't for the
refs' fisting Seattle in the Superbowl and taking the attention away
from the Turdburglar's disastrous performance, we would all simply know
him as a dude who drinks like a Cossack and bounces his grape on the
pavement while taking a domeless rice rocket ride. Not helping him any
this week is the rookie db who "guaranteed a victory" for the mini
turds. Pathetic. The Guru owns the Steelers (5-1 in last 6 games) like
Hilary owns ugly. Pats 31, Turds 17.
Pix out.
Friday, November 30, 2007
With apologies to Crash Davis (played by Kevin Costner in Bull
Duhram).......The Pix believes: that the left lane is for passing (that
includes the moving walkways in airports), that there's no freaking way
Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, that Ohio St. has the best uniforms in
college football, that people should only stop and smell the roses if
they're sure they're not in my way, that it should never take more than
3 minutes to read and make a decision off a dinner menu (4 minutes if
it's in a foreign language), that if a waitperson doesn't have a serving
of deliciousness on the table within 6 minutes of sitting down the tip
will be reduced proportionately one percent for every minute thereafter,
that Texas has the coolest shape of any state, that the novels of Susan
Sontag are self indulgent overrated crap, that Heinekken and Amstel lite
are undrinkable weasel piss, that the country doesn't need more than one
brand of ED pill, that the Patriots will go 19-0, that the Red Sox
should not trade Lester, Bucholtz or Ellsbury, that all coins should be
eliminated from American currency, that America desperately needs a
third political party, that most people are pro choice AND pro life,
that hip-hop/rap is to music what etch a sketch is to art, that one
indeed can be pro noise yet anti funk, that Wink Martindale was the
greatest game show host ever, that SNL peaked the year Martin Short and
Billy Crystal were in the cast, that beef should always be prepared
medium rare, that September is the best month of the year, that rice
pilaf is disgusting, that Pinot Noir is overrated, that Katie Couric is
still kind of cute, that "The Pugilist at Rest:Stories" by Thom Jones
(thanks Johnny) should be on every man's book shelf, that "Merry
Christmas" is perfectly fine, that processed cheese food should never be
confused with real cheese, that 1% milk is a waste of everyone's time,
that Saran wrap should be easier to get out of the box and that the Guru
is the greatest coach of all time in any sport. The Pix....
Rams -3 over Atl
Wash -5.5 over Buffalo. Note to the Mia PD, when anyone is shot in the
beanbag, it's not a random act.
Minny -3 over Det.
Houston +4 over Tenn.
Jax +7 over Indy.
Mia -1 over Jets. The jokes have all been made. Manjudas is an
underdog vs. an 0-11 team. Zoinks and gadzooks.
SD -4 over KC.
Phi -3 over Sea.
A quick note about Breet.....after throwing 2 picks last night and then
getting a bruised elbow, Breet hit the sideline for an ego stroke and a
groin tug. Meanwhile, backup Aaron Rodgers stepped in and immediately
started moving the ball on the Cowboys. After going 4 for 4 and scoring
the touchdown that put the Pack back into the game, Rodgers sprinted to
the sideline where he was mobbed by the coaches and players except for,
no drumroll needed, Breet. You guessed it, the camera panned over to
the Messiah moping with another coach/sycophant. Breet didn't care that
his team just scored, just that HE wasn't involved. It was eerily
familiar to the scene in 2001 where Brady mobs Bledsoe after the game
winning kick to win the Superbowl and Bledsoe's grimmaced look said it
all. In case you were wondering what the Pix has against Breet, last
night pretty much summed it up. He can fool the rest of the country,
but not the Pix. He's a slurp seeking disengenuous me first stain.
Sf +3 over Carolina
Cle +2 over Az
Denver -4 over Oak
TB +3 over NO
NY -2 over Chi
Cinci +7 over Turd
NE -20 over Ravens. One more thing about the Guru. As we all know,
Belichick is being portrayed in the media as a nasty and bitter man. A
man with no soul who disrespects his opponents and violates some
unwritten laws of the game. Conversly, Joe Gibbs is held up as a good
and respected Christian man who stands for all that is right and decent
about the coaching profession. The Pix just has a few bones to pick
with these prevailing beliefs. Whose players have consistently served
as better role models over the years for kids than the Guru's? If a
Patriot misbehaves, he is gone. Yet Gibbs' track record over the years
is one of drafting and trading for me first miscreants who spit on
opposing players (Sean Taylor), testify before congress about being
illiterate (Dexter Manley), insult foreign heads of state while falling
asleep at a State Dinner (John Riggins/Margaret Thatcher) and who in
general only trail the Cinmates in team arrests. I'm sure Gibbs is a
fine man, but a little credit to the Guru, please, for running a program
that is unquestionably the cleanest in the NFL. Even the players the
Pats draft from THE U, like Wilfork, Merriweather and Kareem Brown learn
to behave once they get to Foxborough.
Last Pix thought for the week.....during Sun and Mon night games when
the players introduce themselves and say what schools they come from
(notice I didn't say graduate), pay close attention to Randy Moss. He
says his name, pauses and then informs us that he went to "Rand U".
Moss actually attended Marshall, but the Pix believes this is Randy's
way of telling America that he is an advocate for home schooling. Or as
Randy might say....homey schooling.
Duhram).......The Pix believes: that the left lane is for passing (that
includes the moving walkways in airports), that there's no freaking way
Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, that Ohio St. has the best uniforms in
college football, that people should only stop and smell the roses if
they're sure they're not in my way, that it should never take more than
3 minutes to read and make a decision off a dinner menu (4 minutes if
it's in a foreign language), that if a waitperson doesn't have a serving
of deliciousness on the table within 6 minutes of sitting down the tip
will be reduced proportionately one percent for every minute thereafter,
that Texas has the coolest shape of any state, that the novels of Susan
Sontag are self indulgent overrated crap, that Heinekken and Amstel lite
are undrinkable weasel piss, that the country doesn't need more than one
brand of ED pill, that the Patriots will go 19-0, that the Red Sox
should not trade Lester, Bucholtz or Ellsbury, that all coins should be
eliminated from American currency, that America desperately needs a
third political party, that most people are pro choice AND pro life,
that hip-hop/rap is to music what etch a sketch is to art, that one
indeed can be pro noise yet anti funk, that Wink Martindale was the
greatest game show host ever, that SNL peaked the year Martin Short and
Billy Crystal were in the cast, that beef should always be prepared
medium rare, that September is the best month of the year, that rice
pilaf is disgusting, that Pinot Noir is overrated, that Katie Couric is
still kind of cute, that "The Pugilist at Rest:Stories" by Thom Jones
(thanks Johnny) should be on every man's book shelf, that "Merry
Christmas" is perfectly fine, that processed cheese food should never be
confused with real cheese, that 1% milk is a waste of everyone's time,
that Saran wrap should be easier to get out of the box and that the Guru
is the greatest coach of all time in any sport. The Pix....
Rams -3 over Atl
Wash -5.5 over Buffalo. Note to the Mia PD, when anyone is shot in the
beanbag, it's not a random act.
Minny -3 over Det.
Houston +4 over Tenn.
Jax +7 over Indy.
Mia -1 over Jets. The jokes have all been made. Manjudas is an
underdog vs. an 0-11 team. Zoinks and gadzooks.
SD -4 over KC.
Phi -3 over Sea.
A quick note about Breet.....after throwing 2 picks last night and then
getting a bruised elbow, Breet hit the sideline for an ego stroke and a
groin tug. Meanwhile, backup Aaron Rodgers stepped in and immediately
started moving the ball on the Cowboys. After going 4 for 4 and scoring
the touchdown that put the Pack back into the game, Rodgers sprinted to
the sideline where he was mobbed by the coaches and players except for,
no drumroll needed, Breet. You guessed it, the camera panned over to
the Messiah moping with another coach/sycophant. Breet didn't care that
his team just scored, just that HE wasn't involved. It was eerily
familiar to the scene in 2001 where Brady mobs Bledsoe after the game
winning kick to win the Superbowl and Bledsoe's grimmaced look said it
all. In case you were wondering what the Pix has against Breet, last
night pretty much summed it up. He can fool the rest of the country,
but not the Pix. He's a slurp seeking disengenuous me first stain.
Sf +3 over Carolina
Cle +2 over Az
Denver -4 over Oak
TB +3 over NO
NY -2 over Chi
Cinci +7 over Turd
NE -20 over Ravens. One more thing about the Guru. As we all know,
Belichick is being portrayed in the media as a nasty and bitter man. A
man with no soul who disrespects his opponents and violates some
unwritten laws of the game. Conversly, Joe Gibbs is held up as a good
and respected Christian man who stands for all that is right and decent
about the coaching profession. The Pix just has a few bones to pick
with these prevailing beliefs. Whose players have consistently served
as better role models over the years for kids than the Guru's? If a
Patriot misbehaves, he is gone. Yet Gibbs' track record over the years
is one of drafting and trading for me first miscreants who spit on
opposing players (Sean Taylor), testify before congress about being
illiterate (Dexter Manley), insult foreign heads of state while falling
asleep at a State Dinner (John Riggins/Margaret Thatcher) and who in
general only trail the Cinmates in team arrests. I'm sure Gibbs is a
fine man, but a little credit to the Guru, please, for running a program
that is unquestionably the cleanest in the NFL. Even the players the
Pats draft from THE U, like Wilfork, Merriweather and Kareem Brown learn
to behave once they get to Foxborough.
Last Pix thought for the week.....during Sun and Mon night games when
the players introduce themselves and say what schools they come from
(notice I didn't say graduate), pay close attention to Randy Moss. He
says his name, pauses and then informs us that he went to "Rand U".
Moss actually attended Marshall, but the Pix believes this is Randy's
way of telling America that he is an advocate for home schooling. Or as
Randy might say....homey schooling.
Friday, November 23, 2007
With the current writer's strike going on in Hollywood, we are all in
for some abysmal TV viewing in the near future. It has been discussed
here before (week 3?) that the current slate of mid week television is
akin to the food choices at Hometown Buffet. Not delicious. But rather
than further lament the past great shows we grew up watching, The Pix is
here to be part of the solution, not the problem. Without further ado,
here are a few humble ideas for the networks, courtesy of the Pix.
"Survivor: France". A Pix twist where it's not the contestants whose
goal it is to survive, rather the country. We take 6 dudes from Southie
and Six from Compton and put them up in Paris to see how long it takes
for the French to surrender. Unfortunately, the show would be cancelled
after the first week.
"The Clinic". A soap opera style show set in a V.D. clinic starring
Cher, Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson. Ron Mexico, a.k.a the dog
whisperer appears in a week 3 cameo where he swears he doesn't have the
herp and knows nothing about pit bulls either. Due to the dw's current
housing situation, the role of Michael will be played by Marcus. I'm
assuming he's available.
"Correct Me If I'm Wrong". A mad cap romantic comedy set in a maximum
security prison were we get an inside look (no pun intended) strip
searches, rat holing, creative carpentry, guard abuse and a sneak peak
of Barry Bonds' soon to be cell mate. A Dodger fan named El Guapo.
"Are You An Idiot?". Pix' spin on Fox' show about being smarter than a
5th grader. Let's face it, there are a lot of idiots out there and we
need to start making fun of them. Starring: people who write checks in
12 items or less lines, people who take more than 15 seconds to line up
a putt, Mayor Menino, Larry King, the 212 area code, people who use 15
foot leashes for a dog weighing more than them, people who own "Earnest
goes to....." dvd's, you get the picture.
"Wicked Sorry". A game show where the studio audience votes on which
celebrity apologies are more disengenuous, pathetic, lame, misleading,
backhanded, pr conscious and, well, I'm running out of synonyms.
Starring: Bill Clinton, Shawn Merriman, OJ, Dennis Koslowski, the ghost
of Kenneth Lay, Vick, Jesse Jackson, Marion Jones, Andy Reid's kids,
T.O., Boy George (recently arrested for kidnapping a male prostitute),
Jimmy Swaggert and Larry Craig.
And finally.......
"The Lombardi Code". Hosted be John Madden, Peter King and Dan Brown.
A documentary studying the overwhelming evidence that Breet is actually
the descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The Pix.......
2-1 yesterday taking Lions, Cowboys and Colts.
Jax -7 over Buffalo. Bill's heads still pounding from Patriot beat down
last Sunday.
Cleve -4 over Houston. Browns are officially frisky.
Giants -7 over Minny.
NO -3 over Carolina.
Oak +6 over KC.
St Louis +3.5 over Sea.
Tenn pick over Cinci. And Marvin Lewis still has a job
because............?
Wash +3 over TB.
Sf +11 over Arizona. The Cardinals are 11 point favorites? Yikes.
Denver +2 over Chicago.
Bal +10 over SD. Not sure whether Latorsha will make the trip or not.
Maybe Ladudian can trace back his problems this year to the fact that he
purchased a Visio.
Pats -22 over Phi. Unless coach Reid can get the Pats to go out
partying with his kids the night before the game, the Iggles are in
trouble.
Turd -16 over Mia. Whatever.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Enjoy your weekends.
for some abysmal TV viewing in the near future. It has been discussed
here before (week 3?) that the current slate of mid week television is
akin to the food choices at Hometown Buffet. Not delicious. But rather
than further lament the past great shows we grew up watching, The Pix is
here to be part of the solution, not the problem. Without further ado,
here are a few humble ideas for the networks, courtesy of the Pix.
"Survivor: France". A Pix twist where it's not the contestants whose
goal it is to survive, rather the country. We take 6 dudes from Southie
and Six from Compton and put them up in Paris to see how long it takes
for the French to surrender. Unfortunately, the show would be cancelled
after the first week.
"The Clinic". A soap opera style show set in a V.D. clinic starring
Cher, Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson. Ron Mexico, a.k.a the dog
whisperer appears in a week 3 cameo where he swears he doesn't have the
herp and knows nothing about pit bulls either. Due to the dw's current
housing situation, the role of Michael will be played by Marcus. I'm
assuming he's available.
"Correct Me If I'm Wrong". A mad cap romantic comedy set in a maximum
security prison were we get an inside look (no pun intended) strip
searches, rat holing, creative carpentry, guard abuse and a sneak peak
of Barry Bonds' soon to be cell mate. A Dodger fan named El Guapo.
"Are You An Idiot?". Pix' spin on Fox' show about being smarter than a
5th grader. Let's face it, there are a lot of idiots out there and we
need to start making fun of them. Starring: people who write checks in
12 items or less lines, people who take more than 15 seconds to line up
a putt, Mayor Menino, Larry King, the 212 area code, people who use 15
foot leashes for a dog weighing more than them, people who own "Earnest
goes to....." dvd's, you get the picture.
"Wicked Sorry". A game show where the studio audience votes on which
celebrity apologies are more disengenuous, pathetic, lame, misleading,
backhanded, pr conscious and, well, I'm running out of synonyms.
Starring: Bill Clinton, Shawn Merriman, OJ, Dennis Koslowski, the ghost
of Kenneth Lay, Vick, Jesse Jackson, Marion Jones, Andy Reid's kids,
T.O., Boy George (recently arrested for kidnapping a male prostitute),
Jimmy Swaggert and Larry Craig.
And finally.......
"The Lombardi Code". Hosted be John Madden, Peter King and Dan Brown.
A documentary studying the overwhelming evidence that Breet is actually
the descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The Pix.......
2-1 yesterday taking Lions, Cowboys and Colts.
Jax -7 over Buffalo. Bill's heads still pounding from Patriot beat down
last Sunday.
Cleve -4 over Houston. Browns are officially frisky.
Giants -7 over Minny.
NO -3 over Carolina.
Oak +6 over KC.
St Louis +3.5 over Sea.
Tenn pick over Cinci. And Marvin Lewis still has a job
because............?
Wash +3 over TB.
Sf +11 over Arizona. The Cardinals are 11 point favorites? Yikes.
Denver +2 over Chicago.
Bal +10 over SD. Not sure whether Latorsha will make the trip or not.
Maybe Ladudian can trace back his problems this year to the fact that he
purchased a Visio.
Pats -22 over Phi. Unless coach Reid can get the Pats to go out
partying with his kids the night before the game, the Iggles are in
trouble.
Turd -16 over Mia. Whatever.
Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Enjoy your weekends.
Friday, November 16, 2007
After a brief vacation thanks to the bye week, the Pix is back but not
very happy. It seems that despite numerous reminders of the Jihad list,
the general public continues to ignore the global disaster that is
unwarranted and gratuitous addition of the pickle as a food additive.
Last weekend alone the Pix was witness to the destruction of several
platters of innocent and potentially delicious sandwiches. Unsuspecting
turkey, virginal chicken salad, freshly sliced roast beast all soiled
and violated by the seeping filth of the rancid fermented cucumber.
Past Fatwahs issued against the devil vegetable have apparently been
ignored. Even yesterday the Pix had to rescue a side order of french
fries from green dripping putrescible. The Pix doesn't ask for much.
Remember that the annual subscription price is one gin and tonic per
year. Please help the Pix abolish the practice of deliciousnous
ruination caused by you know what. Thank you. That is all.
In other news, today is the birthday of the official wife of the Pix.
Happy birthday, babe. Other than the obvious omnipresent present that
is just being the official wife of the Pix, rest assured that multiple
gifts and wonders are being bestowed upon official wife even as these
letters are being typed. Indeed, she is a very lucky woman. Somewhat
less lucky, however,ere thos unfortunate souls who dated the Pix in the
mid 1990's. For on their birthdays they were the recipients of the
hilarious and delightfully fraudulent gift of choice for the Pix: the
homeade coupon book. To paraphrase Churchill, never has so little been
given to so many. Rather than actually go somewhere and exchange legal
tender for a real present or token of affection, the Pix would give
several coupons representing various degrees of value. A massage
(potential action), a fancy dinner (the Pix eats too), a vacation
(multiple glasses of liquid intoxicant) and the most valuable of all,
one night of control of the remote (a very painful memory, indeed).
Since 99 percent of these paper treasures expired worthless of simply
got recycled, the Pix could spend more time and money watching football
and consuming deliciousness with his fellow simians. Needless to say,
thanks to meeting the perfect woman who is the offial wife, the coupons
have been retired (until the official sons begin dating). The
Pix........
Arizona +3 over Cinmates.
Packers -10 over Carolina. After curing childhood diabetes and saving
the rainforrest this week, Breet is expected to be the first QB to throw
for a thousand yards in a game. I'm sure Saint Breet will live up to
the hype.
Cleveland -2 over B'more. Ray Lewis is a bigger fraud than the coupon
that promised a ski weekend.
Indy -14 over KC. Anybody catch the look on Manning's face after
Vinatieri stoinked the 29 yard field goal? Same look Lo Lo gave me when
she counted the empty beer cans around the pool table while I
simultaneously announced I was headed to Maddie's to meet the boys. Not
really mad. Just seriously disappointed.
Philly -11 over Miami.
Saints -2 over Houston.
Oak +6 over Minny.
Jax -3 over SD. Ladudian's wife, LaTorsha, sang the anthem befor Sunday
night's game. We also learned that Ladudian calls his wife LT squared.
Ladudian clearly didn't get the algebra book the Pix sent him this
offseason. On the plus side, Pix and official wife can cross LaTorsha
off the list of potential baby girl names now that we know it's been
taken. Thanks.
Tampa -3 over Atl.
Giants even over Detroit.
Pitt -9 over Mangina. The Pix sent Manjudas a coupon for 1 new coaching
job after the Jets fire him next year. He'll find redeeming it a tad
difficult.
Wash +12 over Dallas.
Rams -2 over SF. I'm thinking Darren McFadden with the 5th overall pick
next year.
Chi +6 over Sea.
Tenn +3 over Den.
Pats -16 over Buff. Giving the Guru an extra week to prepare is like
giving Madden extra astroglide at Breet's house.
Finally, as long as we are on the subject of fraud, let's all take a
moment to bask in the glory of some recent headlines.
The dog whisperer is going to jail. The Juice is going to jail. Barry
Bonds is going to jail and Derek Jeter owes millions in back taxes while
his nemesis A-rod is returning to Gotham for 25 million per year. As
long as Cher doesn't make a new album, 2007 might just turn out alright.
As always, enjoy the weekend, drink up and hold the pickles.
very happy. It seems that despite numerous reminders of the Jihad list,
the general public continues to ignore the global disaster that is
unwarranted and gratuitous addition of the pickle as a food additive.
Last weekend alone the Pix was witness to the destruction of several
platters of innocent and potentially delicious sandwiches. Unsuspecting
turkey, virginal chicken salad, freshly sliced roast beast all soiled
and violated by the seeping filth of the rancid fermented cucumber.
Past Fatwahs issued against the devil vegetable have apparently been
ignored. Even yesterday the Pix had to rescue a side order of french
fries from green dripping putrescible. The Pix doesn't ask for much.
Remember that the annual subscription price is one gin and tonic per
year. Please help the Pix abolish the practice of deliciousnous
ruination caused by you know what. Thank you. That is all.
In other news, today is the birthday of the official wife of the Pix.
Happy birthday, babe. Other than the obvious omnipresent present that
is just being the official wife of the Pix, rest assured that multiple
gifts and wonders are being bestowed upon official wife even as these
letters are being typed. Indeed, she is a very lucky woman. Somewhat
less lucky, however,ere thos unfortunate souls who dated the Pix in the
mid 1990's. For on their birthdays they were the recipients of the
hilarious and delightfully fraudulent gift of choice for the Pix: the
homeade coupon book. To paraphrase Churchill, never has so little been
given to so many. Rather than actually go somewhere and exchange legal
tender for a real present or token of affection, the Pix would give
several coupons representing various degrees of value. A massage
(potential action), a fancy dinner (the Pix eats too), a vacation
(multiple glasses of liquid intoxicant) and the most valuable of all,
one night of control of the remote (a very painful memory, indeed).
Since 99 percent of these paper treasures expired worthless of simply
got recycled, the Pix could spend more time and money watching football
and consuming deliciousness with his fellow simians. Needless to say,
thanks to meeting the perfect woman who is the offial wife, the coupons
have been retired (until the official sons begin dating). The
Pix........
Arizona +3 over Cinmates.
Packers -10 over Carolina. After curing childhood diabetes and saving
the rainforrest this week, Breet is expected to be the first QB to throw
for a thousand yards in a game. I'm sure Saint Breet will live up to
the hype.
Cleveland -2 over B'more. Ray Lewis is a bigger fraud than the coupon
that promised a ski weekend.
Indy -14 over KC. Anybody catch the look on Manning's face after
Vinatieri stoinked the 29 yard field goal? Same look Lo Lo gave me when
she counted the empty beer cans around the pool table while I
simultaneously announced I was headed to Maddie's to meet the boys. Not
really mad. Just seriously disappointed.
Philly -11 over Miami.
Saints -2 over Houston.
Oak +6 over Minny.
Jax -3 over SD. Ladudian's wife, LaTorsha, sang the anthem befor Sunday
night's game. We also learned that Ladudian calls his wife LT squared.
Ladudian clearly didn't get the algebra book the Pix sent him this
offseason. On the plus side, Pix and official wife can cross LaTorsha
off the list of potential baby girl names now that we know it's been
taken. Thanks.
Tampa -3 over Atl.
Giants even over Detroit.
Pitt -9 over Mangina. The Pix sent Manjudas a coupon for 1 new coaching
job after the Jets fire him next year. He'll find redeeming it a tad
difficult.
Wash +12 over Dallas.
Rams -2 over SF. I'm thinking Darren McFadden with the 5th overall pick
next year.
Chi +6 over Sea.
Tenn +3 over Den.
Pats -16 over Buff. Giving the Guru an extra week to prepare is like
giving Madden extra astroglide at Breet's house.
Finally, as long as we are on the subject of fraud, let's all take a
moment to bask in the glory of some recent headlines.
The dog whisperer is going to jail. The Juice is going to jail. Barry
Bonds is going to jail and Derek Jeter owes millions in back taxes while
his nemesis A-rod is returning to Gotham for 25 million per year. As
long as Cher doesn't make a new album, 2007 might just turn out alright.
As always, enjoy the weekend, drink up and hold the pickles.
Friday, November 2, 2007
The internet, the remote, personal beer vending machines, the home
kegerator, the nanny cam.......all good uses of home technology. All
value adds. An apparent value add would also be caller i.d.. What's
better than screening the mother in law, random acquaintance, lame
neigbor etc...?(Note to parents of Pix, I would of course NEVER screen
you) In fact, I haven't actually seen the official wife of the pix
answer the home phone in over 2 years. It will be sitting right next to
her, ringing, and she won't even glance at it. No screen, nothing. The
pix is generally pro inactivity, but c'mon, it's right next to you!
However, for the second time this season we are reminded of Newton's 3rd
law (action/reaction). For although caller i.d. without a doubt is
delicious and nutricious, we have lost a simple yet great pleasure in
our technilogically advanced lives. I speak of course of the prank
phone call. Throughout the 70's and 80's, the Pix turned the prank
phone call into an art form. The cranky fossills down the street, the
4th grade music teacher, any female classmates who resisted the romantic
advances of the Pix, Claude Hasbrook........all took severe beatdowns
thanks to the green rotary phone nestled comfortably in the blue shag
carpet on the official childhood home of the Pix. No risk, no
consequences, just pure hilarity and shenanigans. As late as the early
90's, coworkers of the Pix were being called home from work to address
the 7 yards of bark mulch erroneously dropped into their neighbor's
driveway. Oops. But then caller i.d. came along and faster than A-rod
could opt out of 81 million the art of the prank phone call was lost.
Seemingly forever. Until........pricing for long distance phone calls
collapsed and it was time to haze Canada. "Hello, Canada? This is the
Pix. Your currency is......wait, never mind." But now it is time to
marry the internet to the prank phone call. Enter Babblefish.com. A
web site that will translate phrases from any language into any
language. Me thinks Iran should prepare for a call or two. Never
before has there been a way for teenage Americans to eat Cheetos and
fight the insurgency at the same time. Sign up for Vonage, log onto
Babblefish and have at it.
"Hello, Abdulla? This is Ali from down the street. I just can't take
it any more. The guilt is killing me, praise be Allah. Remember how I
said your daughter and I were at the mosque last week reading the Koran?
We were actually having a four way with your camel and 2 Kurds. See you
in the afterlife.
"Yeah, Hi, Muhammed? I just wanted to let you know the compass I gave
you for your birthday last year is broken. You've been praying for
months with your butt facing Mecca. Wicked sorry.
"Hi Osama? I's me. Hey, what's wrong with your fax machine? I've been
trying to send you a cartoon of the prophet Muhammed manually assisting
an American soldier and it won't go through. I'll just nail it to your
door instead. Ciao!
The Pix.........
All road teams.
NE -whatever over Indy. The Guru has been waiting since last January to
exact his revenge on Master Card Manning and the Turtleneck Reverend.
This is why he signed Moss, Welker, Stallworth and Thomas. Grenada had
a better chance. Dog the bounty hunter's kid has a better chance of
reuniting with, um, Dog.....than the Colts have of stopping the
juggernaut. The beatdown will be swift and it will be severe. Hide the
women and children, Indy. Turtleneck Tony was even stupid enough to
reiterate is spygate comments this week. Final score Pats 41, Indy 17.
Pix 1, Ahmajinidad 0.
kegerator, the nanny cam.......all good uses of home technology. All
value adds. An apparent value add would also be caller i.d.. What's
better than screening the mother in law, random acquaintance, lame
neigbor etc...?(Note to parents of Pix, I would of course NEVER screen
you) In fact, I haven't actually seen the official wife of the pix
answer the home phone in over 2 years. It will be sitting right next to
her, ringing, and she won't even glance at it. No screen, nothing. The
pix is generally pro inactivity, but c'mon, it's right next to you!
However, for the second time this season we are reminded of Newton's 3rd
law (action/reaction). For although caller i.d. without a doubt is
delicious and nutricious, we have lost a simple yet great pleasure in
our technilogically advanced lives. I speak of course of the prank
phone call. Throughout the 70's and 80's, the Pix turned the prank
phone call into an art form. The cranky fossills down the street, the
4th grade music teacher, any female classmates who resisted the romantic
advances of the Pix, Claude Hasbrook........all took severe beatdowns
thanks to the green rotary phone nestled comfortably in the blue shag
carpet on the official childhood home of the Pix. No risk, no
consequences, just pure hilarity and shenanigans. As late as the early
90's, coworkers of the Pix were being called home from work to address
the 7 yards of bark mulch erroneously dropped into their neighbor's
driveway. Oops. But then caller i.d. came along and faster than A-rod
could opt out of 81 million the art of the prank phone call was lost.
Seemingly forever. Until........pricing for long distance phone calls
collapsed and it was time to haze Canada. "Hello, Canada? This is the
Pix. Your currency is......wait, never mind." But now it is time to
marry the internet to the prank phone call. Enter Babblefish.com. A
web site that will translate phrases from any language into any
language. Me thinks Iran should prepare for a call or two. Never
before has there been a way for teenage Americans to eat Cheetos and
fight the insurgency at the same time. Sign up for Vonage, log onto
Babblefish and have at it.
"Hello, Abdulla? This is Ali from down the street. I just can't take
it any more. The guilt is killing me, praise be Allah. Remember how I
said your daughter and I were at the mosque last week reading the Koran?
We were actually having a four way with your camel and 2 Kurds. See you
in the afterlife.
"Yeah, Hi, Muhammed? I just wanted to let you know the compass I gave
you for your birthday last year is broken. You've been praying for
months with your butt facing Mecca. Wicked sorry.
"Hi Osama? I's me. Hey, what's wrong with your fax machine? I've been
trying to send you a cartoon of the prophet Muhammed manually assisting
an American soldier and it won't go through. I'll just nail it to your
door instead. Ciao!
The Pix.........
All road teams.
NE -whatever over Indy. The Guru has been waiting since last January to
exact his revenge on Master Card Manning and the Turtleneck Reverend.
This is why he signed Moss, Welker, Stallworth and Thomas. Grenada had
a better chance. Dog the bounty hunter's kid has a better chance of
reuniting with, um, Dog.....than the Colts have of stopping the
juggernaut. The beatdown will be swift and it will be severe. Hide the
women and children, Indy. Turtleneck Tony was even stupid enough to
reiterate is spygate comments this week. Final score Pats 41, Indy 17.
Pix 1, Ahmajinidad 0.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Boston's domination of the global sports scene has the Pix somewhat
flustered. Aside from boozing until one in the morning every night of
the week (thanks to MLB's starting games at 9:00 pm)..... and the
incongruity of all these teams that we grew up being tortured by now
smoking any and all comers, The Pix can't help from feeling that the
galaxy might be getting ready to lay a beat down on us. I guess that
partially explains Hilary leading in the polls. Or Mayor Menino.
Either way, it leaves the Pix unable to put together any coherent
thoughts.......so here are some incoherent ones.
If I were the CEO of Trident, I would track down the 5th dentist and
find out what the heck his problem is. It's been like 30 years and they
can't convince this guy to come around? I'd load up on stock, take his
family hostage and then cash in when he anounced his change of heart.
What ever happened to mopeds? Aside from the fat girl jokes I can't
figure out why they haven't made a comeback yet. And with $92 barrel
oil we just build bigger SUVs. Wasn't the whole conservation thing part
of why mopeds took off in the 70's? So now we are going to build
hybrids but mopeds are no good? I don't get it. Same thing for
windsurfers. Where did all these kayaks come from?
I love the people with the "Not on our watch" signs in their yards
regarding Darfur. How pretentious. Really? Not on you watch? Seems
to the Pix that the poo is still going down in Sudan despite the fact
that you have a 3 foot sign in your yard. Here's a list of what's on
your watch........paper or plastic, Jiff or Skippy and.....wait, that's
it. That's what you are in charge of. Have at it.
TV channels should be the same everywhere. I hate going to an out of
town friend's house, ripping the remote out of his wife's hands and then
not knowing where ESPN is. Then I have to ask her and she doesn't even
know. Pathetic. The Pix.....
Cleveland -3 over St. Louis. Poor Cleveland. Really, everyone who
lives there and loves sports should just move.
Detroit +5 over Chicago. Mr. Vegas went to game one of the Series and
paid $500 to sit behind a pole. Literally sit behind a pole. For those
of you unfamiliar with Fenway, there are poles there. With seats
directly behind them. I would have paid a grand.
Indy -6 over Carolina. I want all the people moving from Cleveland to
move to Indy so we can make them our biznotches all over again.
Mia +11 over NY. Here's a direct quote from Dolphin lb Channing
Crowder, "I couldn't find London on a map unless they had the names on
the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know
Italy loods like a boot. I know London Fletcher. We did a football
camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to
London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's
a coincidental name." He went on to say that until Tuesday he was
unaware of fact that people in London spoke English. Channing Crowder,
you are now the official European correspondent of the Pix.
Congratulations.
Ten -7 over Oakland. Really, that was an actual quote from Mr. Crowder.
Graduate of the University of Florida. (note to self, attend FU, take
business classes and become CEO of Trident).
Minn pick over Philly.
Pitt -3 over Cinmates.
Buff +3 over Jets. The mangina is 1-6, the Yanks lost Torre and are
about to lose A-rod, the Mets just pulled off one of the all time sports
gag jobs and Isiah Thomas is still GM of the Knicks. In related news,
the Pix just opened another can of deliciousness.
SD -11 over Hous. Ladudian will be "on fire" this week. (sorry, God)
Jax +5 over TB.
Saints -3 over SF.
Donkees -3 over Breet.
New England -16.5 over Wash. What else is there to say about Brady? The
Guru? Pedroia? Papelbon? Papi? Youk? The Celtics? These are heady
times indeed for the friends of the Pix. Keep your fridges stocked with
ample deliciousness, your hands on the remote and the Darfur signs off
your lawns and you will be fine.
flustered. Aside from boozing until one in the morning every night of
the week (thanks to MLB's starting games at 9:00 pm)..... and the
incongruity of all these teams that we grew up being tortured by now
smoking any and all comers, The Pix can't help from feeling that the
galaxy might be getting ready to lay a beat down on us. I guess that
partially explains Hilary leading in the polls. Or Mayor Menino.
Either way, it leaves the Pix unable to put together any coherent
thoughts.......so here are some incoherent ones.
If I were the CEO of Trident, I would track down the 5th dentist and
find out what the heck his problem is. It's been like 30 years and they
can't convince this guy to come around? I'd load up on stock, take his
family hostage and then cash in when he anounced his change of heart.
What ever happened to mopeds? Aside from the fat girl jokes I can't
figure out why they haven't made a comeback yet. And with $92 barrel
oil we just build bigger SUVs. Wasn't the whole conservation thing part
of why mopeds took off in the 70's? So now we are going to build
hybrids but mopeds are no good? I don't get it. Same thing for
windsurfers. Where did all these kayaks come from?
I love the people with the "Not on our watch" signs in their yards
regarding Darfur. How pretentious. Really? Not on you watch? Seems
to the Pix that the poo is still going down in Sudan despite the fact
that you have a 3 foot sign in your yard. Here's a list of what's on
your watch........paper or plastic, Jiff or Skippy and.....wait, that's
it. That's what you are in charge of. Have at it.
TV channels should be the same everywhere. I hate going to an out of
town friend's house, ripping the remote out of his wife's hands and then
not knowing where ESPN is. Then I have to ask her and she doesn't even
know. Pathetic. The Pix.....
Cleveland -3 over St. Louis. Poor Cleveland. Really, everyone who
lives there and loves sports should just move.
Detroit +5 over Chicago. Mr. Vegas went to game one of the Series and
paid $500 to sit behind a pole. Literally sit behind a pole. For those
of you unfamiliar with Fenway, there are poles there. With seats
directly behind them. I would have paid a grand.
Indy -6 over Carolina. I want all the people moving from Cleveland to
move to Indy so we can make them our biznotches all over again.
Mia +11 over NY. Here's a direct quote from Dolphin lb Channing
Crowder, "I couldn't find London on a map unless they had the names on
the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know
Italy loods like a boot. I know London Fletcher. We did a football
camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to
London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's
a coincidental name." He went on to say that until Tuesday he was
unaware of fact that people in London spoke English. Channing Crowder,
you are now the official European correspondent of the Pix.
Congratulations.
Ten -7 over Oakland. Really, that was an actual quote from Mr. Crowder.
Graduate of the University of Florida. (note to self, attend FU, take
business classes and become CEO of Trident).
Minn pick over Philly.
Pitt -3 over Cinmates.
Buff +3 over Jets. The mangina is 1-6, the Yanks lost Torre and are
about to lose A-rod, the Mets just pulled off one of the all time sports
gag jobs and Isiah Thomas is still GM of the Knicks. In related news,
the Pix just opened another can of deliciousness.
SD -11 over Hous. Ladudian will be "on fire" this week. (sorry, God)
Jax +5 over TB.
Saints -3 over SF.
Donkees -3 over Breet.
New England -16.5 over Wash. What else is there to say about Brady? The
Guru? Pedroia? Papelbon? Papi? Youk? The Celtics? These are heady
times indeed for the friends of the Pix. Keep your fridges stocked with
ample deliciousness, your hands on the remote and the Darfur signs off
your lawns and you will be fine.
Friday, October 19, 2007
An EXTREMELY abbreviated version of the Pix this week.....first of all,
thanks and kudos to our new Ovarian correspondent Sue C for enlightening
all the knuckle draggers on the Pix list. Sue has been breaking it down
old school for years now. Like the Pix, Sue has a unique way of looking
at the world (i.e. she dislikes most people and mildly tolerates the
rest). Look forward to future contributions from Sue this year on such
topics as:
The Happy Ending.......cheating or just common sense?
MADD.......have they gone too far?
Sean McDonough.......underrated commentator or 6th village person?
Chad......impoverished African nation or just a bad name for a boy?
White Male Heterosexual day..........isn't it time?
And the importance of good posture, a negative attitude, how to make a
tub of Mai Tais with one ingredient and the value of a strong wire cup.
The Pix.........(and yes, I know you don't read these, but it is how all
this got started so humor the Pix)
Wash -6 over Arizona
NO -8 over ATL
Buff +3 over Bal
Mia +15 over NE.
SF +10 over NY
TB +2 over Det
Tenn -1 over Hous
Oak -3 over KC
Cinmates -6 over Mangina
Minn + 10 over Dall
Chi +6 over Phi
Seattle -9 over Rams
Turd -3 over Donkeys
Indy -3 over Jax
Sorry for short stuff this week. No time. And ladies, Mia +15 over NE
does not mean I think the Patriots are going to lose. The line is for
gambling purposes. Not to haze the gender, but several comments
erroneously aimed at the Pix have required a quick schooling. That is
all.
Quick bonus Pix....over/under on vessels of liquid intoxicant and
deliciousness for the weekend....63. Take the over.
thanks and kudos to our new Ovarian correspondent Sue C for enlightening
all the knuckle draggers on the Pix list. Sue has been breaking it down
old school for years now. Like the Pix, Sue has a unique way of looking
at the world (i.e. she dislikes most people and mildly tolerates the
rest). Look forward to future contributions from Sue this year on such
topics as:
The Happy Ending.......cheating or just common sense?
MADD.......have they gone too far?
Sean McDonough.......underrated commentator or 6th village person?
Chad......impoverished African nation or just a bad name for a boy?
White Male Heterosexual day..........isn't it time?
And the importance of good posture, a negative attitude, how to make a
tub of Mai Tais with one ingredient and the value of a strong wire cup.
The Pix.........(and yes, I know you don't read these, but it is how all
this got started so humor the Pix)
Wash -6 over Arizona
NO -8 over ATL
Buff +3 over Bal
Mia +15 over NE.
SF +10 over NY
TB +2 over Det
Tenn -1 over Hous
Oak -3 over KC
Cinmates -6 over Mangina
Minn + 10 over Dall
Chi +6 over Phi
Seattle -9 over Rams
Turd -3 over Donkeys
Indy -3 over Jax
Sorry for short stuff this week. No time. And ladies, Mia +15 over NE
does not mean I think the Patriots are going to lose. The line is for
gambling purposes. Not to haze the gender, but several comments
erroneously aimed at the Pix have required a quick schooling. That is
all.
Quick bonus Pix....over/under on vessels of liquid intoxicant and
deliciousness for the weekend....63. Take the over.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Recently the Pix was informed by his wife that due to some modestly
unfortunate behavior, he had "lost some points" and was further
admonished to clean up his act unless he wanted to "lose more". This
made the Pix wonder how this points system ever got started in the first
place. And why are all the rules of the game dominated by one gender?
What's more confusing is that the rules to the points game have never
been clearly layed out. The Pix needs some kind of running scoreboard
or at least a general points guideline if he can ever hope to stay
competitive. For example, playing golf followed by several bottles of
deliciousness apparently can have severe points repercussions. But
sometimes it doesn't. When is one to know? Somewhat more obvious is
forgetting to erase the browser cookies on the family laptop before the
babysitter borrows it for a homework assignment. Unfortunate. And why
do positive actions seem to result in so few points? Also and even more
unfairly........positive points seem to expire extraordinarily quickly.
The Pix recently thought he was in a massive bonus point situation only
to find out that he was perilously close to crossing into negative
territory. And then did so by "breathing too loudly". Shouldn't there
also be a secondary market for Points? What if my boy Jefe needs some
and I have some extra to give? Can I just call Susannah and make a
transfer? Unfortunately, friends of the Pix always seem to be in common
point deficits at the same time, so that rule wouldn't even help. The
Pix calls for the fomation of a points committee chaired by Sue Collins,
(who has passed out her fair share of demerits in her time), Tracy
Ackerman (she scares me in a strange way) and Daye (official wife of the
Pix). Ladies, please let us know the whats, wheres, whens and whatevers
of the points system so we at least have a fighting chance. Meanwhile,
the men will meet at the G5 and come up with a system that allows us the
least amount of pain while putting forth the least amount of effort.
It's how we got here in the first place. The Pix........
Cinmates +3 over KC. Only slightly less boring than the NLCS.
Jax -6.5 over Houston.
Mia +5 over Cleveland.
Chicago -6 over Minn. I understand that giving back rubs and head rubs
accrue massive amounts of points in a short amount of time, but it's
hard to concentrate on the television while doing this.
Philly +3 over Manginas. Giggling.......now
chuckling.....guffaw........belly laugh.....culminating in rolling on
the floor in pure delight......the Pix' reaction to the events of Monday
night in the Bronx. The now annual Yankee elimination day has surpassed
Christmas and Martin L. King Jr day combined. Yankee elimination day
makes Thanksgiving look like secretary's day. Jeter, A Rod, Damon and
Posada all tearfully gazing at the pitcher's mound while the Tribe
celebrated like a score of crazed brides. Delicous, delectable and
delightful.
Rams + 10 over Ravens. Did I mention the Yankees are out of the
playoffs?
Tenn +3 over TB. Truth be told, the Pix couldn't handle another
Yanks-Sox ALCS. The 7 hour games. The biased anouncers, Ronan Tynan,
Susie Waldman etc....at least we'll all get a little sleep this week.
Wash +3 over GB. Now that Breet has tied the all time interception mark
set by a guy who smoked butts at halftime and wore depends his last two
seasons, maybe John Madden and Peter King can remove the kneepads for
just one week and talk about.....I don't know.....the best team in the
history of the NFL and the fact that the Guru is coaching circles around
the league using a notepad and grey sweatshirt? Doubtful. Better chance
of Emmitt Smith actually putting together a coherent sentence.
Arizona -3 over Carolina. Move along people, nothing to see here.
Oak +11 over SD. It was much more fun watching a whining Ladudian
Tampon and Shawn Syringe Merriman lament their way to the cellar of the
AFC West. Let's hope they go back to their Norvian ways.
NO +7 over Seattle.
New York -3 over Atl. The Bobby Petrino honeymoon in Atl didn't last
very long.
Pats -4 over Dallas. Me thinks this will be a beatdown. The Guru is
actually 1-2 lifetime against Wade Philips' coached teams. That
statistic has no place in a rational universe. The only troublesome
thing going into this game is that the Pix found out this week that Tom
Brady is the new "Steston Man". Really? Were Lectric Shave and English
Leather not offering lucrative deals? Tom, CVS is for buying greeting
cards, mini toiletries and condoms.........not cologne. Let's police up
the endorsments and get back with Bridgette. You need to trust me on
this. I've consulted with the Committee and you are losing Points.
Bonus Pix.....Red Sox in 7.
Jihad alert.....Crosby's is one step away from either a Fatwah or the
boycott list. The Pix is sick and tired of their trickeration and
strategery. They refuse to package ground beef in 1 lb increments,
instead craftily making you buy two packages of .72 lbs or one package
of 1.38 lbs. Nobody needs 1.38 lbs of ground beef. The taco package
clearly states one lb per batch of tacos. In addition, nobody wants 4
.18 lb burgers. It's like when McDonalds suddenly started secretly
widening the circumfrence of their straws in the 70's and substituting
veggie oil for beef tallow in the fryalators. We weren't fooled then and
won't be fooled now. Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves. The
Community Store conveniently offers 1 lb packages for qround beef as
well as having a much better wine selection. If it weren't for a
suspect produce section and a parking situation even less efficient than
the Tower shool's afternoon pickup, they could easily be the official
local grocer of the Pix. As it stands, the competition is still
open.....
Enjoy your weekends.
unfortunate behavior, he had "lost some points" and was further
admonished to clean up his act unless he wanted to "lose more". This
made the Pix wonder how this points system ever got started in the first
place. And why are all the rules of the game dominated by one gender?
What's more confusing is that the rules to the points game have never
been clearly layed out. The Pix needs some kind of running scoreboard
or at least a general points guideline if he can ever hope to stay
competitive. For example, playing golf followed by several bottles of
deliciousness apparently can have severe points repercussions. But
sometimes it doesn't. When is one to know? Somewhat more obvious is
forgetting to erase the browser cookies on the family laptop before the
babysitter borrows it for a homework assignment. Unfortunate. And why
do positive actions seem to result in so few points? Also and even more
unfairly........positive points seem to expire extraordinarily quickly.
The Pix recently thought he was in a massive bonus point situation only
to find out that he was perilously close to crossing into negative
territory. And then did so by "breathing too loudly". Shouldn't there
also be a secondary market for Points? What if my boy Jefe needs some
and I have some extra to give? Can I just call Susannah and make a
transfer? Unfortunately, friends of the Pix always seem to be in common
point deficits at the same time, so that rule wouldn't even help. The
Pix calls for the fomation of a points committee chaired by Sue Collins,
(who has passed out her fair share of demerits in her time), Tracy
Ackerman (she scares me in a strange way) and Daye (official wife of the
Pix). Ladies, please let us know the whats, wheres, whens and whatevers
of the points system so we at least have a fighting chance. Meanwhile,
the men will meet at the G5 and come up with a system that allows us the
least amount of pain while putting forth the least amount of effort.
It's how we got here in the first place. The Pix........
Cinmates +3 over KC. Only slightly less boring than the NLCS.
Jax -6.5 over Houston.
Mia +5 over Cleveland.
Chicago -6 over Minn. I understand that giving back rubs and head rubs
accrue massive amounts of points in a short amount of time, but it's
hard to concentrate on the television while doing this.
Philly +3 over Manginas. Giggling.......now
chuckling.....guffaw........belly laugh.....culminating in rolling on
the floor in pure delight......the Pix' reaction to the events of Monday
night in the Bronx. The now annual Yankee elimination day has surpassed
Christmas and Martin L. King Jr day combined. Yankee elimination day
makes Thanksgiving look like secretary's day. Jeter, A Rod, Damon and
Posada all tearfully gazing at the pitcher's mound while the Tribe
celebrated like a score of crazed brides. Delicous, delectable and
delightful.
Rams + 10 over Ravens. Did I mention the Yankees are out of the
playoffs?
Tenn +3 over TB. Truth be told, the Pix couldn't handle another
Yanks-Sox ALCS. The 7 hour games. The biased anouncers, Ronan Tynan,
Susie Waldman etc....at least we'll all get a little sleep this week.
Wash +3 over GB. Now that Breet has tied the all time interception mark
set by a guy who smoked butts at halftime and wore depends his last two
seasons, maybe John Madden and Peter King can remove the kneepads for
just one week and talk about.....I don't know.....the best team in the
history of the NFL and the fact that the Guru is coaching circles around
the league using a notepad and grey sweatshirt? Doubtful. Better chance
of Emmitt Smith actually putting together a coherent sentence.
Arizona -3 over Carolina. Move along people, nothing to see here.
Oak +11 over SD. It was much more fun watching a whining Ladudian
Tampon and Shawn Syringe Merriman lament their way to the cellar of the
AFC West. Let's hope they go back to their Norvian ways.
NO +7 over Seattle.
New York -3 over Atl. The Bobby Petrino honeymoon in Atl didn't last
very long.
Pats -4 over Dallas. Me thinks this will be a beatdown. The Guru is
actually 1-2 lifetime against Wade Philips' coached teams. That
statistic has no place in a rational universe. The only troublesome
thing going into this game is that the Pix found out this week that Tom
Brady is the new "Steston Man". Really? Were Lectric Shave and English
Leather not offering lucrative deals? Tom, CVS is for buying greeting
cards, mini toiletries and condoms.........not cologne. Let's police up
the endorsments and get back with Bridgette. You need to trust me on
this. I've consulted with the Committee and you are losing Points.
Bonus Pix.....Red Sox in 7.
Jihad alert.....Crosby's is one step away from either a Fatwah or the
boycott list. The Pix is sick and tired of their trickeration and
strategery. They refuse to package ground beef in 1 lb increments,
instead craftily making you buy two packages of .72 lbs or one package
of 1.38 lbs. Nobody needs 1.38 lbs of ground beef. The taco package
clearly states one lb per batch of tacos. In addition, nobody wants 4
.18 lb burgers. It's like when McDonalds suddenly started secretly
widening the circumfrence of their straws in the 70's and substituting
veggie oil for beef tallow in the fryalators. We weren't fooled then and
won't be fooled now. Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves. The
Community Store conveniently offers 1 lb packages for qround beef as
well as having a much better wine selection. If it weren't for a
suspect produce section and a parking situation even less efficient than
the Tower shool's afternoon pickup, they could easily be the official
local grocer of the Pix. As it stands, the competition is still
open.....
Enjoy your weekends.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
As the new TV season kicks off the Pix is forced to examine the
networks's new fall lineup and ask........what the #@^&*?????????? The
Bionic Woman? Really? That's the best they could come with? I suppose
Alf was holding out for too much glue. Why not just team up Bea Arthur
and Angela Lansbury for a remake of Cagney and Lacey? Let me get this
straight.......Friday Night Lights is already relegated to the Friday
night graveyard, ER is most likely in it's last season, HBO and Showtime
cxled their best shows (Huff, Deadwood and Rome) and now we are stuck
with a new season of ............absolutely nothing good. After the
baseball playoffs it will be a nightly search through the Food network,
History and Travel channels and reruns of shows from prior DECADES.
Amazing that M.A.S.H is still totally watchable. I'd rather watch an
episode of The Waltons (before grandma's stroke...she looked too weird
after that) than CSI Tewksbury or whatever is going on with Howie Mandel
and those suitcases. It's bad enough that Hollywood is incapable of
producing much outside of Spiderman 3, Batman 4, Superman 3, Catwoman
etc....I don't have to go see that nonsense. But I am expecting a
little something for the nights I stay at home considering my cable bill
is more per month than a new television (non flat screen). Until then
I'll just continue to contemplate the mysteries of why Andy is still
living with Aunt B despite the fact that Miss Crump is pretty hot and
why Otis is constantly in the wrapper even though there are no bars in
Mayberry. The Pix........
Arizona -3 over Rams. Speaking of 1950 reruns, the dude who played
Superman looks like Phil Mickelson after the holiday season. And why is
his underwear on the outside of his outfit?
Tenn -8 over Atl. No jokes here. Vince Young is everthing Vick could
have been and more. The Pix was wrong about Vince. MVP by 2011.
Saints -3 over Carolina. The Panthers are so boring the Pix didn't even
include their game last week. Yawn.
Cleve +17 over Pats. Just don't think the Guru will run it up against
his boy Romeo. He saves that for the traitors like..........
NY -3 over NY. Get it? The Pix wins no matter what.
Wash -3 over Detroit. Lions have never won in DC. Landry and Taylor
are the best safety tandem in NFL.
Jax +2 over KC. Why did Hollywood dump Robin for the Batman films?
Maybe because he looked like a skinny Nathan Lane headed out to a Mardi
Gras parade.
Houston -5 over Mia. Best new show on TV.....K'Ville. Mon nights on
Fox. Your welcome.
Seattle + 6 over Pitt. JB, 0011 and the Pix are headed to the steel
city this December for the Pitt/Jax game. The Pix is going to steal the
Hamburglar's outfit, put a number 7 on the back and write TURD over it.
Tampa +10 over Indy. Colts will rest their injured guys headed into a
bye week against a non division opponent. And Dungy will still wear his
turtleneck. Last guy spotted in public with a turtleneck was Bartman at
the 2003 Cubs/Marlins LCS. Bartman's excuse was that he's mildly
retarded. What's Dungy's?
Balt -3 over San Fran.
Denver pick over SD. Donkeys at home.
Chi +4 over GB. Nothing left to say about Breet. If he can't figure
out how to broker a long term peace in Iraq, then no one can.
Dallas -10 over Buff. This line looks wrong. Why aren't these guys
favored by 17?
That's it. Pix a day early this week due to a long weekend. Quick list
of most underrated shows ever. Discuss. Barney Miller, Mary Tyler
Moore, Rockford Files, Joanie loves Chachi (gotcha), Night Court, St.
Elswhere, Chicago Hope, Falcon Crest (guilty pleasure), Hodge Podge
Lodge (for Acky), Banana Splits, GH and the most unerrated
ever.......All In The Family.
networks's new fall lineup and ask........what the #@^&*?????????? The
Bionic Woman? Really? That's the best they could come with? I suppose
Alf was holding out for too much glue. Why not just team up Bea Arthur
and Angela Lansbury for a remake of Cagney and Lacey? Let me get this
straight.......Friday Night Lights is already relegated to the Friday
night graveyard, ER is most likely in it's last season, HBO and Showtime
cxled their best shows (Huff, Deadwood and Rome) and now we are stuck
with a new season of ............absolutely nothing good. After the
baseball playoffs it will be a nightly search through the Food network,
History and Travel channels and reruns of shows from prior DECADES.
Amazing that M.A.S.H is still totally watchable. I'd rather watch an
episode of The Waltons (before grandma's stroke...she looked too weird
after that) than CSI Tewksbury or whatever is going on with Howie Mandel
and those suitcases. It's bad enough that Hollywood is incapable of
producing much outside of Spiderman 3, Batman 4, Superman 3, Catwoman
etc....I don't have to go see that nonsense. But I am expecting a
little something for the nights I stay at home considering my cable bill
is more per month than a new television (non flat screen). Until then
I'll just continue to contemplate the mysteries of why Andy is still
living with Aunt B despite the fact that Miss Crump is pretty hot and
why Otis is constantly in the wrapper even though there are no bars in
Mayberry. The Pix........
Arizona -3 over Rams. Speaking of 1950 reruns, the dude who played
Superman looks like Phil Mickelson after the holiday season. And why is
his underwear on the outside of his outfit?
Tenn -8 over Atl. No jokes here. Vince Young is everthing Vick could
have been and more. The Pix was wrong about Vince. MVP by 2011.
Saints -3 over Carolina. The Panthers are so boring the Pix didn't even
include their game last week. Yawn.
Cleve +17 over Pats. Just don't think the Guru will run it up against
his boy Romeo. He saves that for the traitors like..........
NY -3 over NY. Get it? The Pix wins no matter what.
Wash -3 over Detroit. Lions have never won in DC. Landry and Taylor
are the best safety tandem in NFL.
Jax +2 over KC. Why did Hollywood dump Robin for the Batman films?
Maybe because he looked like a skinny Nathan Lane headed out to a Mardi
Gras parade.
Houston -5 over Mia. Best new show on TV.....K'Ville. Mon nights on
Fox. Your welcome.
Seattle + 6 over Pitt. JB, 0011 and the Pix are headed to the steel
city this December for the Pitt/Jax game. The Pix is going to steal the
Hamburglar's outfit, put a number 7 on the back and write TURD over it.
Tampa +10 over Indy. Colts will rest their injured guys headed into a
bye week against a non division opponent. And Dungy will still wear his
turtleneck. Last guy spotted in public with a turtleneck was Bartman at
the 2003 Cubs/Marlins LCS. Bartman's excuse was that he's mildly
retarded. What's Dungy's?
Balt -3 over San Fran.
Denver pick over SD. Donkeys at home.
Chi +4 over GB. Nothing left to say about Breet. If he can't figure
out how to broker a long term peace in Iraq, then no one can.
Dallas -10 over Buff. This line looks wrong. Why aren't these guys
favored by 17?
That's it. Pix a day early this week due to a long weekend. Quick list
of most underrated shows ever. Discuss. Barney Miller, Mary Tyler
Moore, Rockford Files, Joanie loves Chachi (gotcha), Night Court, St.
Elswhere, Chicago Hope, Falcon Crest (guilty pleasure), Hodge Podge
Lodge (for Acky), Banana Splits, GH and the most unerrated
ever.......All In The Family.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Official friend and football watching accomplice of the Pix, Susannah
Forbes, keenly observed during opening day that TV commercials
immediately get a little better during football season. As my boy
Isaiah Thomas would say, "True that Biznotch". However, as Newton's
third law suggests (for every action there is an equal and positive
reaction) the commercials are also more annoying. Forgiving for a
moment the networks' trick of forcing the volume up during commercials
(hence forcing the viewer to mute and rendering the expensive message
pointless), too many adds are just plain retarded. Take, for example,
Pizza Hut's newest ridiculous procuct......the pizza sliced into
"dipping sticks" with 3 leftover Mcnugget sauces. Was America really
having a problem ingesting their pizza? "Hi, Pizza Hut, this is the
Pix. My pizza is a freakin Rubix cube. I just can't figure out this
triangular slice. Could you guys please cut it up into small
rectangular shapes for me? And send over some of that rancid MSG filled
dipping shmeg while you're at it? Thanks.
The Pix can only presume that the product and advertising campaign is
aimed at various college students sampling some of South America's
finest agricultural products. And Michael Vick. The Pix.......
Buffalo +3 over Mangina's men. Hopefully the Pix' unofficial Buffalo
correspondent and random emailer Paul Gouda Pruett will lay off the
keyboard this week. Message to Dr. Cheese, the last person who replied
to all on the Pix (Ferrante) was summarily booted off the list. Stick
to making chocolate and police up your attack dog. Seriously, keep up
the good work.
Baltimore -5 over the Cleve. Mensa's man of the year goes
to...........not Romeo Crennel.
Chicago -2 over Detroit. Lovie's move to go with Brian Griese as Bears
QB is the best coaching move of the young season. The Bears look to
cover easily unless Kitna's boy, God, interferes. He cares about
football, right?
GB even over Minny. The past weeks slurpitation and coronation of Breet
had the Pix convulsing on the floor in a grand mal seizure. The only
way America would turn on this guy is if he joined OJ and the Dog
Whisperer in a gang rape of Sprinkles the cat's carcass from "The
Office". R.I.P. Sprinkles.
Houston -2 over Atlanta. Speaking of the DW, good decision to burn
lettuce two weeks after you plea to the feds which included instructions
from the judge to stay clean. Actually, the Pix is going to pull a 180
here. You lost your job, you're headed to the can and you just urinated
away 30 million. You want to get a little baked? Go ahead.
Oak +4 over Miami. This game is lame so we'll use this space for a Pix
season record update. Last week, 9-5-2. Season, 23-20-5. Or something
like that. Official forensic accountant of the Pix, Rob Moore, can
audit. No offense, Ward.
Rams +12 over Dallas. Romosexual nation is in a frenzy over the Boyz
3-0 start. The Rams couldn't stop a group Myanmar monks after a month
long hunger strike, but we'll take the points.
Seattle even over 49ers. Who cares. Do you like the picture of Brady's
kid? How hot is Bridgett? C'mon Tom, dump Steffi Grafs illegitimate
twin and get back with the American girl. I know you read the Pix.
Indy -10 over Donkeys. The annual root for injuries game. What, that
made you wince? I just hazed a bunch of Burmese Buddhists.
KC +14 over SD. Herm Edwards vs. Norv Turner. Shades of Rich Kotite
vs. Rod Rust. Or Les Steckel vs. Wayne Fontes. Moving on.......
Turd Burglar -4 over Arizona. Did anybody see those photos of Oscar De
La Hoya rocking the fishnets and grape smuggler? Message to Oscar, the
next time you dress up like Ru Paul after a Grey Goose and coke bender,
you might not want to hand the camera to the adult entertainment worker.
Or do. I don't care.
NY +3 over Philly. I'm getting tired.
NE -7 over Cinmates. Johnathan Paplebon was interviewed this week by
fellow pitcher Manny Del Carmen and blithely let slip that he might pose
for Playgirl. Um, John, your junk belongs down in the zone, not in
holiday issue of a hog book.
And that wraps it up for the week kids. Mr Vegas has volunteered to be
the house on 9-1 odds on Celtics winning NBA championship this year.
Memo to Mr Vegas........why don't you take $2.73 and purchase a can of
fragrant aerosol for the men's room? The Pabst Blue Ribbon and chicken
wing diet with sudafed is not agreeing with you so much. The Pix would
rather patronize the stall at the BHP than follow you into the joint at
2 Market. Speaking of Senator Craig, why is there room between the
floor and the divider anyway? Memo to bathroom engineers
everywhere.....take the dividers down to the floor. And enjoy your
weekends.
Forbes, keenly observed during opening day that TV commercials
immediately get a little better during football season. As my boy
Isaiah Thomas would say, "True that Biznotch". However, as Newton's
third law suggests (for every action there is an equal and positive
reaction) the commercials are also more annoying. Forgiving for a
moment the networks' trick of forcing the volume up during commercials
(hence forcing the viewer to mute and rendering the expensive message
pointless), too many adds are just plain retarded. Take, for example,
Pizza Hut's newest ridiculous procuct......the pizza sliced into
"dipping sticks" with 3 leftover Mcnugget sauces. Was America really
having a problem ingesting their pizza? "Hi, Pizza Hut, this is the
Pix. My pizza is a freakin Rubix cube. I just can't figure out this
triangular slice. Could you guys please cut it up into small
rectangular shapes for me? And send over some of that rancid MSG filled
dipping shmeg while you're at it? Thanks.
The Pix can only presume that the product and advertising campaign is
aimed at various college students sampling some of South America's
finest agricultural products. And Michael Vick. The Pix.......
Buffalo +3 over Mangina's men. Hopefully the Pix' unofficial Buffalo
correspondent and random emailer Paul Gouda Pruett will lay off the
keyboard this week. Message to Dr. Cheese, the last person who replied
to all on the Pix (Ferrante) was summarily booted off the list. Stick
to making chocolate and police up your attack dog. Seriously, keep up
the good work.
Baltimore -5 over the Cleve. Mensa's man of the year goes
to...........not Romeo Crennel.
Chicago -2 over Detroit. Lovie's move to go with Brian Griese as Bears
QB is the best coaching move of the young season. The Bears look to
cover easily unless Kitna's boy, God, interferes. He cares about
football, right?
GB even over Minny. The past weeks slurpitation and coronation of Breet
had the Pix convulsing on the floor in a grand mal seizure. The only
way America would turn on this guy is if he joined OJ and the Dog
Whisperer in a gang rape of Sprinkles the cat's carcass from "The
Office". R.I.P. Sprinkles.
Houston -2 over Atlanta. Speaking of the DW, good decision to burn
lettuce two weeks after you plea to the feds which included instructions
from the judge to stay clean. Actually, the Pix is going to pull a 180
here. You lost your job, you're headed to the can and you just urinated
away 30 million. You want to get a little baked? Go ahead.
Oak +4 over Miami. This game is lame so we'll use this space for a Pix
season record update. Last week, 9-5-2. Season, 23-20-5. Or something
like that. Official forensic accountant of the Pix, Rob Moore, can
audit. No offense, Ward.
Rams +12 over Dallas. Romosexual nation is in a frenzy over the Boyz
3-0 start. The Rams couldn't stop a group Myanmar monks after a month
long hunger strike, but we'll take the points.
Seattle even over 49ers. Who cares. Do you like the picture of Brady's
kid? How hot is Bridgett? C'mon Tom, dump Steffi Grafs illegitimate
twin and get back with the American girl. I know you read the Pix.
Indy -10 over Donkeys. The annual root for injuries game. What, that
made you wince? I just hazed a bunch of Burmese Buddhists.
KC +14 over SD. Herm Edwards vs. Norv Turner. Shades of Rich Kotite
vs. Rod Rust. Or Les Steckel vs. Wayne Fontes. Moving on.......
Turd Burglar -4 over Arizona. Did anybody see those photos of Oscar De
La Hoya rocking the fishnets and grape smuggler? Message to Oscar, the
next time you dress up like Ru Paul after a Grey Goose and coke bender,
you might not want to hand the camera to the adult entertainment worker.
Or do. I don't care.
NY +3 over Philly. I'm getting tired.
NE -7 over Cinmates. Johnathan Paplebon was interviewed this week by
fellow pitcher Manny Del Carmen and blithely let slip that he might pose
for Playgirl. Um, John, your junk belongs down in the zone, not in
holiday issue of a hog book.
And that wraps it up for the week kids. Mr Vegas has volunteered to be
the house on 9-1 odds on Celtics winning NBA championship this year.
Memo to Mr Vegas........why don't you take $2.73 and purchase a can of
fragrant aerosol for the men's room? The Pabst Blue Ribbon and chicken
wing diet with sudafed is not agreeing with you so much. The Pix would
rather patronize the stall at the BHP than follow you into the joint at
2 Market. Speaking of Senator Craig, why is there room between the
floor and the divider anyway? Memo to bathroom engineers
everywhere.....take the dividers down to the floor. And enjoy your
weekends.
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Pix likes to start off Sunday mornings with a breakfast sandwich.
One egg, one slice of American cheese and some type of pork product on
an English muffin. Unfortunately, Daye (official wife of the pix), like
most consumers, purchases Thomas' English muffins as the default English
muffin. This is a problem because of the single most recognized feature
of the Thomas' brand: the nook and crannie. The Pix hates nooks and
crannies. In fact, it is precisely the existence nooks and crannies
that raises the degree of difficulty in the application process of
morning spreadables. What idiot over in England thought this was value
added? Thomas' even designed their add campaign around these evil
twins. The Pix says no more and is calling for the first boycott of the
season. No, that's too tame. Let's just go ahead and add Thomas'
English muffin to the Jihad list. For those of you who have forgotten
the list from last season, a quick reminder of the Jihad list.
1. Pickles
2. CVS
3. Undersized toilet seats
4. Cher
And now the Thomas' English muffin. The Pix.......
Arizona +8.5 over Baltimore. Following last weeks 6-10 effort, The Pix
is now 14-15-2 on the season. In need of a better week of
prognostication, the Pix goes back to old reliable: the horrendously
overrated Ravens.
New England -16 over Buffalo. I'd rather attend a Celine Dion concert
with Hilary Clinton, Barbara Streisand, Nancy Pelosi and Rosie O'donnel
followed by a three way with Ariana Huffington and Gerard Depardieu than
listen to one more sore loser drone on about spygate.
Detroit +7 over Philly. Oy Vei Gishfiggin. Donovan McNab just can't
get out of his own way. It has already been said, but how much
criticism does Eli Manning take? Or Rex Grossman? Does Rex complain
that Jewish quarterbacks are more criticized than Gentile? What about
Muslim? Donovan, puh.......lee.......ze just shut up.
Indy -5 over Houston. Whatever.
Mia +3.5 over Jets. Um, I know nobody has probably notice this yet, but
I hate the Jets. Just thought I'd let that slip. The Mangina Manjudas
has taken over as public enemy #1 from the dog whisperer and Breet. The
Pix sent Manjudas a manzere this week so he could police up his C-cups.
The package included a turd, a lighter and a paper bag with a set of
insructions.
Vikings +3 over KC. Wait, check the calendar. It's not Dec 25 and yet
Vegas has a Herm Edwards team giving points. I would take the canasta
team from Brooksby assisted living village over Herm if I'm getting a
field goal.
San Diego -4 over Packers. The Pix has snuck in two victories this
season betting on Breet. That ends this week as does the lack of weekly
beating that Breet takes in this space. Breet's stats from week one
were 23 for 42 with one pick, no td's and a rating of 58.6. Words used
to describe him in by various media members were "incomparable",
"Transcendant" and "ageless wonder". He's only 38 years old. Morten
Anderson is 49 and was signed by the Falcons this week. The Pix just
wonders if officials will stop the game and hand him the ball after he
breaks Blanda's interception record this week. George played into his
fifties by the way.
Tampa +4 over Rams.
Seattle -3 over Cincy.
Pitt -9 over SF. The short Bus is redefining the parameters of
unwatchable TV along with babbling ex Donkey Shannon Sharp. Those two
make Fred Smerlas sound like Syrano de Bergerac.
Donkeys -3 over Jax.
Cleveland +3 over Oakland.
Carolina -4 over Atlanta. Why does Jordan's furniture call their
mattress salespeople "sleep technicians"? Do they really think we're
that stupid? And do they thnk the'yre getting away with "underprices"?
I'd like to get Barry and Elliot's home numbers and call them at 3:00
am. "Hi Barry? This is the Pix. Could you send one of your sleep
technicians over here right away? I just woke up from a bad dream where
I accidentaly took a right on Spitbrook and a left on Daniel Webster.
Can't get back to sleep at all". (apologies to those who don't live in
Boston area)
Wash -4 over Giants. Goodbye Tom Coughlin. See you soon on a college
campus.
Chicago -3 over Dallas. Let's see if the Romosexuals can move the ball
on the Bears' D.
Tenn +5 over Saints. Hate to admit this, but Vince Young seems to be
more than legit.
A shout out to Jefe and TC for manning up and venturing into the Skybox
last Sunday for the Pats beat down of SD. Multiple cans of
deliciousness were consumed and no Thomas' English muffins were served.
This Sunday the Pix is threatening the Nanepahmet St area despite the
rumor that there is no more booze left in Marblehead after the Gallup's
fiesta. For those of you who haven't heard, the Newhall cup is this
Saturday. (for you Acky). Enjoy your weekends........
One egg, one slice of American cheese and some type of pork product on
an English muffin. Unfortunately, Daye (official wife of the pix), like
most consumers, purchases Thomas' English muffins as the default English
muffin. This is a problem because of the single most recognized feature
of the Thomas' brand: the nook and crannie. The Pix hates nooks and
crannies. In fact, it is precisely the existence nooks and crannies
that raises the degree of difficulty in the application process of
morning spreadables. What idiot over in England thought this was value
added? Thomas' even designed their add campaign around these evil
twins. The Pix says no more and is calling for the first boycott of the
season. No, that's too tame. Let's just go ahead and add Thomas'
English muffin to the Jihad list. For those of you who have forgotten
the list from last season, a quick reminder of the Jihad list.
1. Pickles
2. CVS
3. Undersized toilet seats
4. Cher
And now the Thomas' English muffin. The Pix.......
Arizona +8.5 over Baltimore. Following last weeks 6-10 effort, The Pix
is now 14-15-2 on the season. In need of a better week of
prognostication, the Pix goes back to old reliable: the horrendously
overrated Ravens.
New England -16 over Buffalo. I'd rather attend a Celine Dion concert
with Hilary Clinton, Barbara Streisand, Nancy Pelosi and Rosie O'donnel
followed by a three way with Ariana Huffington and Gerard Depardieu than
listen to one more sore loser drone on about spygate.
Detroit +7 over Philly. Oy Vei Gishfiggin. Donovan McNab just can't
get out of his own way. It has already been said, but how much
criticism does Eli Manning take? Or Rex Grossman? Does Rex complain
that Jewish quarterbacks are more criticized than Gentile? What about
Muslim? Donovan, puh.......lee.......ze just shut up.
Indy -5 over Houston. Whatever.
Mia +3.5 over Jets. Um, I know nobody has probably notice this yet, but
I hate the Jets. Just thought I'd let that slip. The Mangina Manjudas
has taken over as public enemy #1 from the dog whisperer and Breet. The
Pix sent Manjudas a manzere this week so he could police up his C-cups.
The package included a turd, a lighter and a paper bag with a set of
insructions.
Vikings +3 over KC. Wait, check the calendar. It's not Dec 25 and yet
Vegas has a Herm Edwards team giving points. I would take the canasta
team from Brooksby assisted living village over Herm if I'm getting a
field goal.
San Diego -4 over Packers. The Pix has snuck in two victories this
season betting on Breet. That ends this week as does the lack of weekly
beating that Breet takes in this space. Breet's stats from week one
were 23 for 42 with one pick, no td's and a rating of 58.6. Words used
to describe him in by various media members were "incomparable",
"Transcendant" and "ageless wonder". He's only 38 years old. Morten
Anderson is 49 and was signed by the Falcons this week. The Pix just
wonders if officials will stop the game and hand him the ball after he
breaks Blanda's interception record this week. George played into his
fifties by the way.
Tampa +4 over Rams.
Seattle -3 over Cincy.
Pitt -9 over SF. The short Bus is redefining the parameters of
unwatchable TV along with babbling ex Donkey Shannon Sharp. Those two
make Fred Smerlas sound like Syrano de Bergerac.
Donkeys -3 over Jax.
Cleveland +3 over Oakland.
Carolina -4 over Atlanta. Why does Jordan's furniture call their
mattress salespeople "sleep technicians"? Do they really think we're
that stupid? And do they thnk the'yre getting away with "underprices"?
I'd like to get Barry and Elliot's home numbers and call them at 3:00
am. "Hi Barry? This is the Pix. Could you send one of your sleep
technicians over here right away? I just woke up from a bad dream where
I accidentaly took a right on Spitbrook and a left on Daniel Webster.
Can't get back to sleep at all". (apologies to those who don't live in
Boston area)
Wash -4 over Giants. Goodbye Tom Coughlin. See you soon on a college
campus.
Chicago -3 over Dallas. Let's see if the Romosexuals can move the ball
on the Bears' D.
Tenn +5 over Saints. Hate to admit this, but Vince Young seems to be
more than legit.
A shout out to Jefe and TC for manning up and venturing into the Skybox
last Sunday for the Pats beat down of SD. Multiple cans of
deliciousness were consumed and no Thomas' English muffins were served.
This Sunday the Pix is threatening the Nanepahmet St area despite the
rumor that there is no more booze left in Marblehead after the Gallup's
fiesta. For those of you who haven't heard, the Newhall cup is this
Saturday. (for you Acky). Enjoy your weekends........
Friday, September 14, 2007
Shortly after Admiral Yamamoto learned that the Imperial Japanese fleet
had launched their aircraft prior to an official declaration of war
against the US, he was famously quoted as saying that Japan had simply
"awakend a sleeping giant". On behalf of the Guru, the Pix would like
to thank Mangina, Roger Goodell, Whines Ward, Ladudian Tampon, Jack Del
Lameo and all the other screaming infants for doing what even the Guru
himself could not have done without their help.......turn the Pats into
an underdog. All the preseason faint praise for the Pats officially
goes out the window. It's now them against the world. Somewhere out in
the heartland of America Peyton Manning is tightening the vel-cro on his
Depends. He knows what happens when you dis the Pats. The Pix.....
Baltimore -10 over Jets. Let's just get the record straight. The Guru
hires ManJudas (credit to WEEI's whiner line) as an intern in Cleveland.
Feeds and bathes him. Teaches him everything he knows. 7 years later
the little dough boy is a head coach in the NFL. ManJudas returns the
favor by snitching on the Guru over a camera. Let's just say the
intergalactical B-slap that is on the way here will be something to
behold. The universe does not look kindly on that kind of betrayal.
Mangini will be out of a job in less than 3 years and it says here that
the coaching fraternity will not be looking to hire someone with all the
loyalty of Fredo.
Carolina-6.5 over Houston. Haven't heard any Panther quotes yet about
losing the SB to the Pats. Maybe that's because the entire offensive
line and the punter were busted for steroids a week after the game.
Bears -12 over KC. I know, laying 12 with Rex at the helm is shaky, but
when they win at home they tend to win big. And Herm Edwards is the new
Art Shell. Side note...with all this technology being discussed on the
sidelines, it's worth mentioning that Art was using just a clipboard
last year.
Cincy -6.5 at Cleveland. Marvin Lewis quoted in yesterday's SI column
about his headset going out in Foxboro. Marvin, your team scored 31
points in that game. What, exactly, were they stealing? You were
brought in to shore up the defense and bring integrity to the Bengals.
How's that working out for you?
Dallas -3.5 against Miami.
Denver -10 over Oakland.
Detroit -3 over Vikings.
Indy -7 at Tenn. The Colts begin their annual 6 game schedule against
the Washington Generals. I mean the Titans, Jags and Texans.
Atlanta +10.5 against Jax. Jack Del Rio moves up in the draft to take
Byron Leftwich as his franchise quarterback and cuts him a few years
later after allowing him to play with the 1st team offense all
preseason. His first year as coach he installed a tree stump and an axe
in the locker room to signify that the team should "keep chopping wood".
The punter then proceeds to almost cut his leg off. Then he accuses the
Guru of messing with the headphones in Foxboro. Um, Jack, the league
handles the gameday wireless communications. Not the home team. One
sideline goes out, the officials turn off the other sideline. And the
B-slap you took last year from the Pats........was in Jacksonville.
Custer had a better strategy at Little Big Horn than employ on most game
days. Next year when you are looking for work, guess who not to call?
Saints -3.5 over Bucs.
Packers even over Giants. Relax, Breet. Thanks to the the league
fisting the Guru you get off this week. Although your team did complain
last season about videogate, perhaps beginning the chain of events that
led to this. Incidentally, the league confiscated the tape last week at
the Meadowlands 8 minutes into the game. Why is nobody in the media
mentioning this? What did the Guru do over the next 52 minutes? Cast
at spell?
Buffalo +9.5 over Pitt. Whines Ward and the Short Bus think the Pats
cheated in their two AFC Championship games against them. Short Bus
actually has a GNC commercial where he talks about how he keeps in such
great shape. Jared from Subway looks better in his "before" picture
than you did in your last season. And, um, Whines, you are an
"offensive" player. You get your plays through a "wireless device" in
the Turd Burglars helmet. Did the Guru intercept these frequencies IN
YOUR STADIUM?
Seattle -3 over Arizona. Maybe the league should fine the Pats for
making it rain in Seattle and for the design of the Seahawks ridiculous
uniforms. They look like the insides of my non stick cookware. It's
Calphalon if you must know.
49ers +3 over Rams.
Wash +7 over Philly. Secret Pats video tapes not only show Donovan
Mcstoneless heaving in the huddle during their last Super Bowl drive and
conducting the slow down offense. Tape actually captures Andy Reid's
kids baking a batch of crystal meth on sidline and sending smoke signals
to Pats.
Pats -infinity over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better pack some extra
Midol for this Sunday night. The Pats coaching staff should come out
with a set of 2 cans and one string to represent the extent of the
electronic chicanery it will take to lay down copious amounts of
whoopass on the crying Bolts. The Sky box will be loaded and ready for
anyone man enough to step into it.
Couple of side notes....
Major Props need to be given to TC for having the Randy Moss to NE trade
roughly 3 days before the rest of the country. Too much fun watching
Berman et al fumble around the set while the EYC paddle crew had all the
411. Nicely done.
Big Al, other wise known as MR. Vegas, has this query, "If video gate is
such a big deal and gives the Pats such a game day advantage, why has
the line NOT MOVED ONE FREAKING POINT in the last weak? Don't the wise
guys know best? Well said Mr. Vegas. You are now the official gambling
correspondent to the Pix.
Lastly, a little departure from Videogate. Last week it was reported
that hundreds of thousands of condoms were being returned to several US
relief agencies who hand them out in underdevolped parts of the world
and in some impoverished parts of the US. Of note to the Pix was that
these condoms were made in China. Really, their condoms don't work?
Maybe that's why there are a billion people there. If I want some lead
in my kids toys or some poison in my food supply I'll ask the folks in
Bejing. Functional contracepives not so much. The Pix doesn't get
condoms from China, Lingerie and adult entertainment from Iran and
finally.........lessons in loyalty from Eric the Mangina Manjudas.
Enjoy your weekends..........
had launched their aircraft prior to an official declaration of war
against the US, he was famously quoted as saying that Japan had simply
"awakend a sleeping giant". On behalf of the Guru, the Pix would like
to thank Mangina, Roger Goodell, Whines Ward, Ladudian Tampon, Jack Del
Lameo and all the other screaming infants for doing what even the Guru
himself could not have done without their help.......turn the Pats into
an underdog. All the preseason faint praise for the Pats officially
goes out the window. It's now them against the world. Somewhere out in
the heartland of America Peyton Manning is tightening the vel-cro on his
Depends. He knows what happens when you dis the Pats. The Pix.....
Baltimore -10 over Jets. Let's just get the record straight. The Guru
hires ManJudas (credit to WEEI's whiner line) as an intern in Cleveland.
Feeds and bathes him. Teaches him everything he knows. 7 years later
the little dough boy is a head coach in the NFL. ManJudas returns the
favor by snitching on the Guru over a camera. Let's just say the
intergalactical B-slap that is on the way here will be something to
behold. The universe does not look kindly on that kind of betrayal.
Mangini will be out of a job in less than 3 years and it says here that
the coaching fraternity will not be looking to hire someone with all the
loyalty of Fredo.
Carolina-6.5 over Houston. Haven't heard any Panther quotes yet about
losing the SB to the Pats. Maybe that's because the entire offensive
line and the punter were busted for steroids a week after the game.
Bears -12 over KC. I know, laying 12 with Rex at the helm is shaky, but
when they win at home they tend to win big. And Herm Edwards is the new
Art Shell. Side note...with all this technology being discussed on the
sidelines, it's worth mentioning that Art was using just a clipboard
last year.
Cincy -6.5 at Cleveland. Marvin Lewis quoted in yesterday's SI column
about his headset going out in Foxboro. Marvin, your team scored 31
points in that game. What, exactly, were they stealing? You were
brought in to shore up the defense and bring integrity to the Bengals.
How's that working out for you?
Dallas -3.5 against Miami.
Denver -10 over Oakland.
Detroit -3 over Vikings.
Indy -7 at Tenn. The Colts begin their annual 6 game schedule against
the Washington Generals. I mean the Titans, Jags and Texans.
Atlanta +10.5 against Jax. Jack Del Rio moves up in the draft to take
Byron Leftwich as his franchise quarterback and cuts him a few years
later after allowing him to play with the 1st team offense all
preseason. His first year as coach he installed a tree stump and an axe
in the locker room to signify that the team should "keep chopping wood".
The punter then proceeds to almost cut his leg off. Then he accuses the
Guru of messing with the headphones in Foxboro. Um, Jack, the league
handles the gameday wireless communications. Not the home team. One
sideline goes out, the officials turn off the other sideline. And the
B-slap you took last year from the Pats........was in Jacksonville.
Custer had a better strategy at Little Big Horn than employ on most game
days. Next year when you are looking for work, guess who not to call?
Saints -3.5 over Bucs.
Packers even over Giants. Relax, Breet. Thanks to the the league
fisting the Guru you get off this week. Although your team did complain
last season about videogate, perhaps beginning the chain of events that
led to this. Incidentally, the league confiscated the tape last week at
the Meadowlands 8 minutes into the game. Why is nobody in the media
mentioning this? What did the Guru do over the next 52 minutes? Cast
at spell?
Buffalo +9.5 over Pitt. Whines Ward and the Short Bus think the Pats
cheated in their two AFC Championship games against them. Short Bus
actually has a GNC commercial where he talks about how he keeps in such
great shape. Jared from Subway looks better in his "before" picture
than you did in your last season. And, um, Whines, you are an
"offensive" player. You get your plays through a "wireless device" in
the Turd Burglars helmet. Did the Guru intercept these frequencies IN
YOUR STADIUM?
Seattle -3 over Arizona. Maybe the league should fine the Pats for
making it rain in Seattle and for the design of the Seahawks ridiculous
uniforms. They look like the insides of my non stick cookware. It's
Calphalon if you must know.
49ers +3 over Rams.
Wash +7 over Philly. Secret Pats video tapes not only show Donovan
Mcstoneless heaving in the huddle during their last Super Bowl drive and
conducting the slow down offense. Tape actually captures Andy Reid's
kids baking a batch of crystal meth on sidline and sending smoke signals
to Pats.
Pats -infinity over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better pack some extra
Midol for this Sunday night. The Pats coaching staff should come out
with a set of 2 cans and one string to represent the extent of the
electronic chicanery it will take to lay down copious amounts of
whoopass on the crying Bolts. The Sky box will be loaded and ready for
anyone man enough to step into it.
Couple of side notes....
Major Props need to be given to TC for having the Randy Moss to NE trade
roughly 3 days before the rest of the country. Too much fun watching
Berman et al fumble around the set while the EYC paddle crew had all the
411. Nicely done.
Big Al, other wise known as MR. Vegas, has this query, "If video gate is
such a big deal and gives the Pats such a game day advantage, why has
the line NOT MOVED ONE FREAKING POINT in the last weak? Don't the wise
guys know best? Well said Mr. Vegas. You are now the official gambling
correspondent to the Pix.
Lastly, a little departure from Videogate. Last week it was reported
that hundreds of thousands of condoms were being returned to several US
relief agencies who hand them out in underdevolped parts of the world
and in some impoverished parts of the US. Of note to the Pix was that
these condoms were made in China. Really, their condoms don't work?
Maybe that's why there are a billion people there. If I want some lead
in my kids toys or some poison in my food supply I'll ask the folks in
Bejing. Functional contracepives not so much. The Pix doesn't get
condoms from China, Lingerie and adult entertainment from Iran and
finally.........lessons in loyalty from Eric the Mangina Manjudas.
Enjoy your weekends..........
Thursday, September 6, 2007
9/6/07
The 2007 season kicks off tonight and the Pix are back. Thanks to all
the usual suspects (Vick, Pac Man, Tank Johnson, Andy Reid's
kids).....there was no shortage of offseason shenanigans, tom foolery
and bally hoo. But since that fruit hangs lower than Larry Craig's left
hand under a bathroom stall divider in the Minny airport, we'll skip the
obvious jokes for now and get to some football. The Pix.....
Indy -6 over Saints. Forgive me if I skip the pregame slurpage over the
Colts' raising the banner in the RCA (still in business?) dome. Just
too painful to watch. Hard to hate Peyton, but what's with Tony Dungy?
He's on the opposite of HGH. Call it GHG. He used to play in the NFL
and now is skinnier than Nicole Ritchie after an 8 ball and a carton of
Newports lights.
Green Bay +3 over Philly. The countdown begins. It took George Blanda
340 games to throw 277 interceptions. Breet has thrown 273 in just 241
games (but he's having fun out there). In addition, While Breet has
been having all that fun and holding the organization hostage, the
Packers haven't beaten a playoff bound team since 2004. This offseason
The Pix sent Peter King and John Madden a set of kneepads for the coming
Breet gobblefest that will suround breaking Dan Marino's all time
passing TD record. Needless to say the Pix will be focused on the more
appropriate interception milestone.
Atlanta +3 over Minnesota. Just a feeling here that the Falcons will be
more than a little motivated to show that the absence of the Dog
Whisperer won't entirely drown (or hang or electrocute) their season.
The Vikings have a QB named Tavarius and a coach who looks like Beeker
from the Muppets. For good measure, it says here that Harrington
finishes the season with better passing stats than the DW ever had.
Buffalo +3 over Donkeys. New Donkey Travis Henry visits the home where
he has at least 2 of his kids that he fathered with 9 different women in
4 different cities. The Pix has written a cheer for our boy Trav.
2-4-6-8 Travis likes to procreate. On a more serious football note, the
Bills will be pretty good this year. Me thinks a playoff team.
Marshawn Lynch is legit.
Houston +3 over KC. Woof. This game has all the allure of a Slippery
Rock and Murray State affair. The Chiefs are in a worse rebuilding
season than Notre Dame.
Rams -1 over Panthers. Who Cares.
Washington -3 over Miami. The Dolphins hired Cam Cameron this
offseason. The Pix isn't sure, but I think Cam is short for Cameron.
So they hired Cameron Cameron. The good news? Jason Taylor has
apparently stopped cheating on Zach Thomas's sister. So they have that
going for them.
Pats -6.5 over the Jets. This year the Jets go from playing the easiest
schedule in the league to a fairly tough one. Pennington still can't
throw and the Mangina has a let down year. Meanwhile the Pats are more
stacked than ever. Dirty little secret about Seymour is that he was the
Pats' 4th best d lineman last year. They'll miss Rodney more. Another
dirty little secret that the Pix has to finally break down for the
public.......Giselle Bunchden is overrated. Really, she's just Steffi
Graf with a smaller beak. Brady needs to punt the chain smoking super
skank and get back with his baby momma.
Pittsburgh -4 over UPS. Until the Browns start Brady Quinn there is no
reason to waste our time on them. It's been too many months since I
have written the words Turd Burglar, so there it is. If he can keep his
grape off the pavement he shoud have an ok year.
Jax -7 over Ten. We said it last year and we'll say it again. Vince
Young throws like a girl. He now replaces the DW as the leagues best
running back being used as a QB. Meanwhile, if you haven't seen Pac
Man's interview on HBO with Bryant Gumblel last month than Pix can't
help you. Some of the best TV ever. One thing I'll say for Pac Man
though, at least he's not a phony. He keeps it real. Unlike the DW who
turns informant and then says how he's never pointed the finger at
anyone. Um, DW, it's kind of your job now. Call it a kooky government
thing. And as far as finding Jesus is concerned, I wasn't aware he was
hiding.
Chargers -6 over Chicago. Let's not forget all the whining Ladudian
Tampon and the rest of the Bolts did after they coughed up a playoff
loss to the Pats last year. The only thing lamer was the DW's comments
that his actions over the last 6 years were "immature". DW, farting at
the dinner table and blaming your brother is immature. Drowning and
electrocuting animals who were just trying to please you by doing what
you bred them to do...is......well immature doesn't very well describe
it. Oh, and Rex Grossman stinks.
Seattle -7 over TB. Has Gruden signed Byron Leftwich yet?
Giants +6 over Cowboys. For the record, the Pix has called every Giants
game dating back to 1991 incorrectly. Having said that, I think all the
Tiki (from now on known as Me Me) talk will fire them up. That and Rip
Van Wade has been asleep since he used to coach the Bills.
Ravens +2.5 over Cinmates. Maybe in a parralell universe Cinci doesn't
finish 8-8 every year. Unfortunately for the Cinmates, in this one they
do.
Detroit +2 over Raiders. Are they kidding? The Pix has the Lions
sneaking into the playoffs this year.
Arizona +3 over San Francisco. Once again the GURU fleeces a team in
the draft for their first rounder. All Pats fans should be rooting
against 49ers this year. Fortunately, we won't have to root that hard.
They're more overrated than butter face Giselle.
The carpet cleaners had to be called to 4 Savoy last week when the Pix
spit out half a glass of club soda and cranberry over the latest Viagra
commercial. If you haven't seen it yet, a bunch of guys are out in a
cabin "jamming" to the song they presumably wrote about the little blue
pill set to the music of Elvis' tome "Viva Las Vegas". The Pix would
like to know, if these guys are so fired up to use their favorite
pharmaceutical, why are they sitting around in a cabin singing with
their buddies? And was that Larry Craig on drums?
the usual suspects (Vick, Pac Man, Tank Johnson, Andy Reid's
kids).....there was no shortage of offseason shenanigans, tom foolery
and bally hoo. But since that fruit hangs lower than Larry Craig's left
hand under a bathroom stall divider in the Minny airport, we'll skip the
obvious jokes for now and get to some football. The Pix.....
Indy -6 over Saints. Forgive me if I skip the pregame slurpage over the
Colts' raising the banner in the RCA (still in business?) dome. Just
too painful to watch. Hard to hate Peyton, but what's with Tony Dungy?
He's on the opposite of HGH. Call it GHG. He used to play in the NFL
and now is skinnier than Nicole Ritchie after an 8 ball and a carton of
Newports lights.
Green Bay +3 over Philly. The countdown begins. It took George Blanda
340 games to throw 277 interceptions. Breet has thrown 273 in just 241
games (but he's having fun out there). In addition, While Breet has
been having all that fun and holding the organization hostage, the
Packers haven't beaten a playoff bound team since 2004. This offseason
The Pix sent Peter King and John Madden a set of kneepads for the coming
Breet gobblefest that will suround breaking Dan Marino's all time
passing TD record. Needless to say the Pix will be focused on the more
appropriate interception milestone.
Atlanta +3 over Minnesota. Just a feeling here that the Falcons will be
more than a little motivated to show that the absence of the Dog
Whisperer won't entirely drown (or hang or electrocute) their season.
The Vikings have a QB named Tavarius and a coach who looks like Beeker
from the Muppets. For good measure, it says here that Harrington
finishes the season with better passing stats than the DW ever had.
Buffalo +3 over Donkeys. New Donkey Travis Henry visits the home where
he has at least 2 of his kids that he fathered with 9 different women in
4 different cities. The Pix has written a cheer for our boy Trav.
2-4-6-8 Travis likes to procreate. On a more serious football note, the
Bills will be pretty good this year. Me thinks a playoff team.
Marshawn Lynch is legit.
Houston +3 over KC. Woof. This game has all the allure of a Slippery
Rock and Murray State affair. The Chiefs are in a worse rebuilding
season than Notre Dame.
Rams -1 over Panthers. Who Cares.
Washington -3 over Miami. The Dolphins hired Cam Cameron this
offseason. The Pix isn't sure, but I think Cam is short for Cameron.
So they hired Cameron Cameron. The good news? Jason Taylor has
apparently stopped cheating on Zach Thomas's sister. So they have that
going for them.
Pats -6.5 over the Jets. This year the Jets go from playing the easiest
schedule in the league to a fairly tough one. Pennington still can't
throw and the Mangina has a let down year. Meanwhile the Pats are more
stacked than ever. Dirty little secret about Seymour is that he was the
Pats' 4th best d lineman last year. They'll miss Rodney more. Another
dirty little secret that the Pix has to finally break down for the
public.......Giselle Bunchden is overrated. Really, she's just Steffi
Graf with a smaller beak. Brady needs to punt the chain smoking super
skank and get back with his baby momma.
Pittsburgh -4 over UPS. Until the Browns start Brady Quinn there is no
reason to waste our time on them. It's been too many months since I
have written the words Turd Burglar, so there it is. If he can keep his
grape off the pavement he shoud have an ok year.
Jax -7 over Ten. We said it last year and we'll say it again. Vince
Young throws like a girl. He now replaces the DW as the leagues best
running back being used as a QB. Meanwhile, if you haven't seen Pac
Man's interview on HBO with Bryant Gumblel last month than Pix can't
help you. Some of the best TV ever. One thing I'll say for Pac Man
though, at least he's not a phony. He keeps it real. Unlike the DW who
turns informant and then says how he's never pointed the finger at
anyone. Um, DW, it's kind of your job now. Call it a kooky government
thing. And as far as finding Jesus is concerned, I wasn't aware he was
hiding.
Chargers -6 over Chicago. Let's not forget all the whining Ladudian
Tampon and the rest of the Bolts did after they coughed up a playoff
loss to the Pats last year. The only thing lamer was the DW's comments
that his actions over the last 6 years were "immature". DW, farting at
the dinner table and blaming your brother is immature. Drowning and
electrocuting animals who were just trying to please you by doing what
you bred them to do...is......well immature doesn't very well describe
it. Oh, and Rex Grossman stinks.
Seattle -7 over TB. Has Gruden signed Byron Leftwich yet?
Giants +6 over Cowboys. For the record, the Pix has called every Giants
game dating back to 1991 incorrectly. Having said that, I think all the
Tiki (from now on known as Me Me) talk will fire them up. That and Rip
Van Wade has been asleep since he used to coach the Bills.
Ravens +2.5 over Cinmates. Maybe in a parralell universe Cinci doesn't
finish 8-8 every year. Unfortunately for the Cinmates, in this one they
do.
Detroit +2 over Raiders. Are they kidding? The Pix has the Lions
sneaking into the playoffs this year.
Arizona +3 over San Francisco. Once again the GURU fleeces a team in
the draft for their first rounder. All Pats fans should be rooting
against 49ers this year. Fortunately, we won't have to root that hard.
They're more overrated than butter face Giselle.
The carpet cleaners had to be called to 4 Savoy last week when the Pix
spit out half a glass of club soda and cranberry over the latest Viagra
commercial. If you haven't seen it yet, a bunch of guys are out in a
cabin "jamming" to the song they presumably wrote about the little blue
pill set to the music of Elvis' tome "Viva Las Vegas". The Pix would
like to know, if these guys are so fired up to use their favorite
pharmaceutical, why are they sitting around in a cabin singing with
their buddies? And was that Larry Craig on drums?
Friday, January 12, 2007
1/12/07
So Miller Lite wants to do a series of commercials about Man Laws and
they hire as the central character.......Burt Reynolds? I guess Scott
Baio and Tommy from 8 is Enough werent' available. Burt Reynolds is a
walking talking man law violation. No Toupes isn't a man law? No
plastic surgery isn't a man law? Not having Dom Deluise be your best
friend isn't a man law? And let's examine the rest of the dubious man
law cast. Jimmy Johnson, who still thinks getting his hair cut half way
down his ear is a good look. Some WWE dude. A 110 lb boxer who is
better known for his singing. And the man pimp from Deuce Bigelow.
Actually, that guy cracks me up. In other news, a big deal was made of
who got into the baseball hall of fame. Very few sporting related
issues are more boring than the MLB HOF. This year they let in a fat
guy who hit singles for a crappy team and a guy who played a lot of
games and was tremendously overrated for it. Basically Breet in a
baseball uniform. The MLB HOF reminded me of other overrated and
annyoing sporting events.
1. Boston Marathon. Yawn.
2. College basketball regular season. Rumor has it that these guys
have been playing for a while now. Wake me up in March.
3. The French open. Merde.
4. Anything Poker or X games related. The Pix....
Indy at B'more. The Pix will take a wild guess here that the pre game
analysis will focus on Peyton vs Ray Lewis. Let's just say the Pix will
skip the pregame show. Who will Peyton throw under the bus for this
years playoff loss? He's already used the O line and the kicker. This
year I say he blames El Nino. Which is Spanish for the Nino. Final
score, Baltimore 24, Indy 13.
Philly at Saints. The Pix will skip this pregame too. I'm officially
Katrina'd out. Thank goodness Drew Brees, Sean Payton and Reggie Bush
have completely rebuilt the city by themselves. In more interesting
news, the Pix was delighted to read a story yesterday about weddings all
around New Orleans being awash with guests' cancelling at the last
minute due to the game. Think about it........who would have thought
the Saints would be in the playoffs, let alone a Saturday night game?
How hilarious. How delightful. How delicous. Not that the Pix is
anti-marriage. Really. Final score Saints 31, Philly 17.
Seattle at Chicago. Let's face it, with the exception of Boog, this is
the game everyone will skip this weekend to pretend like you are paying
attention to your family. It's OK. It's divisional playoff weekend.
Which brings us to some actual man rules for the Pats game.
1. Women are restricted to 3 sentences. Can I make you a sandwich?
Would you like another beer? Would you like a hot oil massage? Should
I lock the kids in the basement until the game is over? Um, that's
four. But you get the point. Final score Bears 24, Seapukes 3.
Pats at San Diego. Do you ever scan the "faces in the crowd section" of
Sports Illustrated and find yourself looking at the 14 year old female
track star from California and wonder if you have a problem? No? Um,
never mind. Anyway, I just keep thinking of the last two times these
teams played. It wasn't pretty. The Pats just have problems with
runners who can cut back at the line of scrimmage. I just see a long
day for our defense and them eventually wearing out in the 4th quarter.
Final score Chargers 21, Pats 17.
they hire as the central character.......Burt Reynolds? I guess Scott
Baio and Tommy from 8 is Enough werent' available. Burt Reynolds is a
walking talking man law violation. No Toupes isn't a man law? No
plastic surgery isn't a man law? Not having Dom Deluise be your best
friend isn't a man law? And let's examine the rest of the dubious man
law cast. Jimmy Johnson, who still thinks getting his hair cut half way
down his ear is a good look. Some WWE dude. A 110 lb boxer who is
better known for his singing. And the man pimp from Deuce Bigelow.
Actually, that guy cracks me up. In other news, a big deal was made of
who got into the baseball hall of fame. Very few sporting related
issues are more boring than the MLB HOF. This year they let in a fat
guy who hit singles for a crappy team and a guy who played a lot of
games and was tremendously overrated for it. Basically Breet in a
baseball uniform. The MLB HOF reminded me of other overrated and
annyoing sporting events.
1. Boston Marathon. Yawn.
2. College basketball regular season. Rumor has it that these guys
have been playing for a while now. Wake me up in March.
3. The French open. Merde.
4. Anything Poker or X games related. The Pix....
Indy at B'more. The Pix will take a wild guess here that the pre game
analysis will focus on Peyton vs Ray Lewis. Let's just say the Pix will
skip the pregame show. Who will Peyton throw under the bus for this
years playoff loss? He's already used the O line and the kicker. This
year I say he blames El Nino. Which is Spanish for the Nino. Final
score, Baltimore 24, Indy 13.
Philly at Saints. The Pix will skip this pregame too. I'm officially
Katrina'd out. Thank goodness Drew Brees, Sean Payton and Reggie Bush
have completely rebuilt the city by themselves. In more interesting
news, the Pix was delighted to read a story yesterday about weddings all
around New Orleans being awash with guests' cancelling at the last
minute due to the game. Think about it........who would have thought
the Saints would be in the playoffs, let alone a Saturday night game?
How hilarious. How delightful. How delicous. Not that the Pix is
anti-marriage. Really. Final score Saints 31, Philly 17.
Seattle at Chicago. Let's face it, with the exception of Boog, this is
the game everyone will skip this weekend to pretend like you are paying
attention to your family. It's OK. It's divisional playoff weekend.
Which brings us to some actual man rules for the Pats game.
1. Women are restricted to 3 sentences. Can I make you a sandwich?
Would you like another beer? Would you like a hot oil massage? Should
I lock the kids in the basement until the game is over? Um, that's
four. But you get the point. Final score Bears 24, Seapukes 3.
Pats at San Diego. Do you ever scan the "faces in the crowd section" of
Sports Illustrated and find yourself looking at the 14 year old female
track star from California and wonder if you have a problem? No? Um,
never mind. Anyway, I just keep thinking of the last two times these
teams played. It wasn't pretty. The Pats just have problems with
runners who can cut back at the line of scrimmage. I just see a long
day for our defense and them eventually wearing out in the 4th quarter.
Final score Chargers 21, Pats 17.
Friday, January 5, 2007
1/5/07
pix were going to be all football this week and no jokes. That is,
until I saw Deval Patrick get sworn in as Govenor of the Commonwealth
this week. Things were going fine until I heard the sound of a needle
scratching a record upon catching my first glimpse of Diane
Patrick.........Deval's grandmother, I mean wife. Yeeeeikes, zoinks,
gadzooks and Holy hogs, batman. She looked like a cross between Esther
Sanford (Fred's sister) and Eugene Chung's mom. I'm putting the intern
scandal over under for Gov Patrick at one year. Which led the pix to
this question........which famous men have the worst looking wives
relative to their own looks and positions in sports and or politics.
The pix has some thoughts:
1. Bill Clinton. Low hanging fruit. I think Bill has actually tried
to do something about this.
2. George H.W. Bush. W may be an idiot, but at least he didn't marry
his grandmother.
3. Ray Bourque. Never seen her? Now you know why.
4. Tiger Woods. Caught you napping.
And whatever Deval's campaign song was, it was too painful to listen to
while watching the D man hug his grandmother/wife. But It did cause the
pix to think of the 5 worst songs ever written. *
1. "Ooh, ooh that smell". Lynrd Skynrd. Don't even want to know what
inspired this opus.
2. "Dust in the Wind". Kansas. Made only slightly more tolerable now
by Will Ferrell's rendition in Old School.
3. "Barracuda". Heart. I'd rather listen to kittens drowning.
4. "Maneater". Hall and Oates. These guys really need their own
column.
5. Anything by Livingston Taylor. The Pix.......
Patriots -9 vs Jets. Bitch slap. I would lay up to 14 points on this
one. 31-13 is how the pix sees it. Brady and Belichick, Bruschi,
Seymour.....are all taking this one personally. Might be tight in the
first quarter, but then it's Katy bar the door.
KC +7 vs Indy. I think the Colts win, but Chiefs cover. I almost want
the Colts to win so I can see Peyton wet his panties against the Ravens.
The Ravens subsequently getting gobs of man love from the pipemaker on
ESPN and then Brady facing Mcnair in AFC champ game. Then all the idiot
anouncers who picked the Ravens staring at eachother in disbelief
wondering how to back pedal out of all their sorry predictions. Moving
on...
Dallas +3 over Seattle. Maybe you've notice a trend this year. The pix
just doesn't think much of the Seahawks. Dallas wins outright and might
win big. By the way, Big Al got hammered on a cruise last year with
Freddy Garcia and Joel Pineiro (the Sox new closer) and their wives.
Pineiro said not only did he hate pitching at Fenway, Boston was his
least favorite city in the world. Suboptimal. Just sayin'. (Double
Collins shout out).
Philly -7 over Giants. Eli goes to join Lance Bass, Neil Patrick Harris
and Chad Pennington at their favorite offseason hangout.
Bonus Pix section. AP newswire now reporting country officially on
Breet watch. Infuriated by all the attention Nick Saban and Bill Cowher
are getting, Breet secretly vows to hold out for record setting
slurpage. Plans to call no fewer than 5 press conferences in the next
few months to say he still hasn't made up his mind yet and treat the
whole subject more seriously than the national debate on stem cell
research. Then......he......come's back. Peter King and Madden pass
out from euphoria.
Double bonus Pix section. Here is a list next years new head coaches.
Arizona. Ron Rivera. D coordinator of Bears.
Atlanta. I don't know, but someone black to make Vick and ATL happy.
Oakland. Snoop Dogg. Actually, Rob Ryan their D coordinator and son of
Buddy.
Pittsburgh. Ken Whisenhunt. Has same 'stache as Cowher.
Miami. TOTAL GUESS HERE. Bobby Petrino, HC Louisville.
By the way, did anyone else catch Wayne Huizenga asking the press for
suggestions, pro or con, about what to do next? That's like TC asking
Katherine Bruce what she thinks the lineup vs. Essex should be. I will
now go write Breet a fan letter. Have a good weekend, all.
*big Al contributed significantly to the top 5 worst song list*
until I saw Deval Patrick get sworn in as Govenor of the Commonwealth
this week. Things were going fine until I heard the sound of a needle
scratching a record upon catching my first glimpse of Diane
Patrick.........Deval's grandmother, I mean wife. Yeeeeikes, zoinks,
gadzooks and Holy hogs, batman. She looked like a cross between Esther
Sanford (Fred's sister) and Eugene Chung's mom. I'm putting the intern
scandal over under for Gov Patrick at one year. Which led the pix to
this question........which famous men have the worst looking wives
relative to their own looks and positions in sports and or politics.
The pix has some thoughts:
1. Bill Clinton. Low hanging fruit. I think Bill has actually tried
to do something about this.
2. George H.W. Bush. W may be an idiot, but at least he didn't marry
his grandmother.
3. Ray Bourque. Never seen her? Now you know why.
4. Tiger Woods. Caught you napping.
And whatever Deval's campaign song was, it was too painful to listen to
while watching the D man hug his grandmother/wife. But It did cause the
pix to think of the 5 worst songs ever written. *
1. "Ooh, ooh that smell". Lynrd Skynrd. Don't even want to know what
inspired this opus.
2. "Dust in the Wind". Kansas. Made only slightly more tolerable now
by Will Ferrell's rendition in Old School.
3. "Barracuda". Heart. I'd rather listen to kittens drowning.
4. "Maneater". Hall and Oates. These guys really need their own
column.
5. Anything by Livingston Taylor. The Pix.......
Patriots -9 vs Jets. Bitch slap. I would lay up to 14 points on this
one. 31-13 is how the pix sees it. Brady and Belichick, Bruschi,
Seymour.....are all taking this one personally. Might be tight in the
first quarter, but then it's Katy bar the door.
KC +7 vs Indy. I think the Colts win, but Chiefs cover. I almost want
the Colts to win so I can see Peyton wet his panties against the Ravens.
The Ravens subsequently getting gobs of man love from the pipemaker on
ESPN and then Brady facing Mcnair in AFC champ game. Then all the idiot
anouncers who picked the Ravens staring at eachother in disbelief
wondering how to back pedal out of all their sorry predictions. Moving
on...
Dallas +3 over Seattle. Maybe you've notice a trend this year. The pix
just doesn't think much of the Seahawks. Dallas wins outright and might
win big. By the way, Big Al got hammered on a cruise last year with
Freddy Garcia and Joel Pineiro (the Sox new closer) and their wives.
Pineiro said not only did he hate pitching at Fenway, Boston was his
least favorite city in the world. Suboptimal. Just sayin'. (Double
Collins shout out).
Philly -7 over Giants. Eli goes to join Lance Bass, Neil Patrick Harris
and Chad Pennington at their favorite offseason hangout.
Bonus Pix section. AP newswire now reporting country officially on
Breet watch. Infuriated by all the attention Nick Saban and Bill Cowher
are getting, Breet secretly vows to hold out for record setting
slurpage. Plans to call no fewer than 5 press conferences in the next
few months to say he still hasn't made up his mind yet and treat the
whole subject more seriously than the national debate on stem cell
research. Then......he......come's back. Peter King and Madden pass
out from euphoria.
Double bonus Pix section. Here is a list next years new head coaches.
Arizona. Ron Rivera. D coordinator of Bears.
Atlanta. I don't know, but someone black to make Vick and ATL happy.
Oakland. Snoop Dogg. Actually, Rob Ryan their D coordinator and son of
Buddy.
Pittsburgh. Ken Whisenhunt. Has same 'stache as Cowher.
Miami. TOTAL GUESS HERE. Bobby Petrino, HC Louisville.
By the way, did anyone else catch Wayne Huizenga asking the press for
suggestions, pro or con, about what to do next? That's like TC asking
Katherine Bruce what she thinks the lineup vs. Essex should be. I will
now go write Breet a fan letter. Have a good weekend, all.
*big Al contributed significantly to the top 5 worst song list*
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