Official friend and football watching accomplice of the Pix, Susannah
Forbes, keenly observed during opening day that TV commercials
immediately get a little better during football season. As my boy
Isaiah Thomas would say, "True that Biznotch". However, as Newton's
third law suggests (for every action there is an equal and positive
reaction) the commercials are also more annoying. Forgiving for a
moment the networks' trick of forcing the volume up during commercials
(hence forcing the viewer to mute and rendering the expensive message
pointless), too many adds are just plain retarded. Take, for example,
Pizza Hut's newest ridiculous procuct......the pizza sliced into
"dipping sticks" with 3 leftover Mcnugget sauces. Was America really
having a problem ingesting their pizza? "Hi, Pizza Hut, this is the
Pix. My pizza is a freakin Rubix cube. I just can't figure out this
triangular slice. Could you guys please cut it up into small
rectangular shapes for me? And send over some of that rancid MSG filled
dipping shmeg while you're at it? Thanks.
The Pix can only presume that the product and advertising campaign is
aimed at various college students sampling some of South America's
finest agricultural products. And Michael Vick. The Pix.......

Buffalo +3 over Mangina's men. Hopefully the Pix' unofficial Buffalo
correspondent and random emailer Paul Gouda Pruett will lay off the
keyboard this week. Message to Dr. Cheese, the last person who replied
to all on the Pix (Ferrante) was summarily booted off the list. Stick
to making chocolate and police up your attack dog. Seriously, keep up
the good work.

Baltimore -5 over the Cleve. Mensa's man of the year goes
to...........not Romeo Crennel.

Chicago -2 over Detroit. Lovie's move to go with Brian Griese as Bears
QB is the best coaching move of the young season. The Bears look to
cover easily unless Kitna's boy, God, interferes. He cares about
football, right?

GB even over Minny. The past weeks slurpitation and coronation of Breet
had the Pix convulsing on the floor in a grand mal seizure. The only
way America would turn on this guy is if he joined OJ and the Dog
Whisperer in a gang rape of Sprinkles the cat's carcass from "The
Office". R.I.P. Sprinkles.

Houston -2 over Atlanta. Speaking of the DW, good decision to burn
lettuce two weeks after you plea to the feds which included instructions
from the judge to stay clean. Actually, the Pix is going to pull a 180
here. You lost your job, you're headed to the can and you just urinated
away 30 million. You want to get a little baked? Go ahead.

Oak +4 over Miami. This game is lame so we'll use this space for a Pix
season record update. Last week, 9-5-2. Season, 23-20-5. Or something
like that. Official forensic accountant of the Pix, Rob Moore, can
audit. No offense, Ward.

Rams +12 over Dallas. Romosexual nation is in a frenzy over the Boyz
3-0 start. The Rams couldn't stop a group Myanmar monks after a month
long hunger strike, but we'll take the points.

Seattle even over 49ers. Who cares. Do you like the picture of Brady's
kid? How hot is Bridgett? C'mon Tom, dump Steffi Grafs illegitimate
twin and get back with the American girl. I know you read the Pix.

Indy -10 over Donkeys. The annual root for injuries game. What, that
made you wince? I just hazed a bunch of Burmese Buddhists.

KC +14 over SD. Herm Edwards vs. Norv Turner. Shades of Rich Kotite
vs. Rod Rust. Or Les Steckel vs. Wayne Fontes. Moving on.......

Turd Burglar -4 over Arizona. Did anybody see those photos of Oscar De
La Hoya rocking the fishnets and grape smuggler? Message to Oscar, the
next time you dress up like Ru Paul after a Grey Goose and coke bender,
you might not want to hand the camera to the adult entertainment worker.
Or do. I don't care.

NY +3 over Philly. I'm getting tired.

NE -7 over Cinmates. Johnathan Paplebon was interviewed this week by
fellow pitcher Manny Del Carmen and blithely let slip that he might pose
for Playgirl. Um, John, your junk belongs down in the zone, not in
holiday issue of a hog book.

And that wraps it up for the week kids. Mr Vegas has volunteered to be
the house on 9-1 odds on Celtics winning NBA championship this year.
Memo to Mr Vegas........why don't you take $2.73 and purchase a can of
fragrant aerosol for the men's room? The Pabst Blue Ribbon and chicken
wing diet with sudafed is not agreeing with you so much. The Pix would
rather patronize the stall at the BHP than follow you into the joint at
2 Market. Speaking of Senator Craig, why is there room between the
floor and the divider anyway? Memo to bathroom engineers
everywhere.....take the dividers down to the floor. And enjoy your
weekends.

The Pix likes to start off Sunday mornings with a breakfast sandwich.
One egg, one slice of American cheese and some type of pork product on
an English muffin. Unfortunately, Daye (official wife of the pix), like
most consumers, purchases Thomas' English muffins as the default English
muffin. This is a problem because of the single most recognized feature
of the Thomas' brand: the nook and crannie. The Pix hates nooks and
crannies. In fact, it is precisely the existence nooks and crannies
that raises the degree of difficulty in the application process of
morning spreadables. What idiot over in England thought this was value
added? Thomas' even designed their add campaign around these evil
twins. The Pix says no more and is calling for the first boycott of the
season. No, that's too tame. Let's just go ahead and add Thomas'
English muffin to the Jihad list. For those of you who have forgotten
the list from last season, a quick reminder of the Jihad list.
1. Pickles
2. CVS
3. Undersized toilet seats
4. Cher
And now the Thomas' English muffin. The Pix.......

Arizona +8.5 over Baltimore. Following last weeks 6-10 effort, The Pix
is now 14-15-2 on the season. In need of a better week of
prognostication, the Pix goes back to old reliable: the horrendously
overrated Ravens.

New England -16 over Buffalo. I'd rather attend a Celine Dion concert
with Hilary Clinton, Barbara Streisand, Nancy Pelosi and Rosie O'donnel
followed by a three way with Ariana Huffington and Gerard Depardieu than
listen to one more sore loser drone on about spygate.

Detroit +7 over Philly. Oy Vei Gishfiggin. Donovan McNab just can't
get out of his own way. It has already been said, but how much
criticism does Eli Manning take? Or Rex Grossman? Does Rex complain
that Jewish quarterbacks are more criticized than Gentile? What about
Muslim? Donovan, puh.......lee.......ze just shut up.

Indy -5 over Houston. Whatever.

Mia +3.5 over Jets. Um, I know nobody has probably notice this yet, but
I hate the Jets. Just thought I'd let that slip. The Mangina Manjudas
has taken over as public enemy #1 from the dog whisperer and Breet. The
Pix sent Manjudas a manzere this week so he could police up his C-cups.
The package included a turd, a lighter and a paper bag with a set of
insructions.

Vikings +3 over KC. Wait, check the calendar. It's not Dec 25 and yet
Vegas has a Herm Edwards team giving points. I would take the canasta
team from Brooksby assisted living village over Herm if I'm getting a
field goal.

San Diego -4 over Packers. The Pix has snuck in two victories this
season betting on Breet. That ends this week as does the lack of weekly
beating that Breet takes in this space. Breet's stats from week one
were 23 for 42 with one pick, no td's and a rating of 58.6. Words used
to describe him in by various media members were "incomparable",
"Transcendant" and "ageless wonder". He's only 38 years old. Morten
Anderson is 49 and was signed by the Falcons this week. The Pix just
wonders if officials will stop the game and hand him the ball after he
breaks Blanda's interception record this week. George played into his
fifties by the way.

Tampa +4 over Rams.

Seattle -3 over Cincy.

Pitt -9 over SF. The short Bus is redefining the parameters of
unwatchable TV along with babbling ex Donkey Shannon Sharp. Those two
make Fred Smerlas sound like Syrano de Bergerac.

Donkeys -3 over Jax.

Cleveland +3 over Oakland.

Carolina -4 over Atlanta. Why does Jordan's furniture call their
mattress salespeople "sleep technicians"? Do they really think we're
that stupid? And do they thnk the'yre getting away with "underprices"?
I'd like to get Barry and Elliot's home numbers and call them at 3:00
am. "Hi Barry? This is the Pix. Could you send one of your sleep
technicians over here right away? I just woke up from a bad dream where
I accidentaly took a right on Spitbrook and a left on Daniel Webster.
Can't get back to sleep at all". (apologies to those who don't live in
Boston area)

Wash -4 over Giants. Goodbye Tom Coughlin. See you soon on a college
campus.

Chicago -3 over Dallas. Let's see if the Romosexuals can move the ball
on the Bears' D.

Tenn +5 over Saints. Hate to admit this, but Vince Young seems to be
more than legit.

A shout out to Jefe and TC for manning up and venturing into the Skybox
last Sunday for the Pats beat down of SD. Multiple cans of
deliciousness were consumed and no Thomas' English muffins were served.
This Sunday the Pix is threatening the Nanepahmet St area despite the
rumor that there is no more booze left in Marblehead after the Gallup's
fiesta. For those of you who haven't heard, the Newhall cup is this
Saturday. (for you Acky). Enjoy your weekends........

Shortly after Admiral Yamamoto learned that the Imperial Japanese fleet
had launched their aircraft prior to an official declaration of war
against the US, he was famously quoted as saying that Japan had simply
"awakend a sleeping giant". On behalf of the Guru, the Pix would like
to thank Mangina, Roger Goodell, Whines Ward, Ladudian Tampon, Jack Del
Lameo and all the other screaming infants for doing what even the Guru
himself could not have done without their help.......turn the Pats into
an underdog. All the preseason faint praise for the Pats officially
goes out the window. It's now them against the world. Somewhere out in
the heartland of America Peyton Manning is tightening the vel-cro on his
Depends. He knows what happens when you dis the Pats. The Pix.....

Baltimore -10 over Jets. Let's just get the record straight. The Guru
hires ManJudas (credit to WEEI's whiner line) as an intern in Cleveland.
Feeds and bathes him. Teaches him everything he knows. 7 years later
the little dough boy is a head coach in the NFL. ManJudas returns the
favor by snitching on the Guru over a camera. Let's just say the
intergalactical B-slap that is on the way here will be something to
behold. The universe does not look kindly on that kind of betrayal.
Mangini will be out of a job in less than 3 years and it says here that
the coaching fraternity will not be looking to hire someone with all the
loyalty of Fredo.

Carolina-6.5 over Houston. Haven't heard any Panther quotes yet about
losing the SB to the Pats. Maybe that's because the entire offensive
line and the punter were busted for steroids a week after the game.

Bears -12 over KC. I know, laying 12 with Rex at the helm is shaky, but
when they win at home they tend to win big. And Herm Edwards is the new
Art Shell. Side note...with all this technology being discussed on the
sidelines, it's worth mentioning that Art was using just a clipboard
last year.

Cincy -6.5 at Cleveland. Marvin Lewis quoted in yesterday's SI column
about his headset going out in Foxboro. Marvin, your team scored 31
points in that game. What, exactly, were they stealing? You were
brought in to shore up the defense and bring integrity to the Bengals.
How's that working out for you?

Dallas -3.5 against Miami.

Denver -10 over Oakland.

Detroit -3 over Vikings.

Indy -7 at Tenn. The Colts begin their annual 6 game schedule against
the Washington Generals. I mean the Titans, Jags and Texans.

Atlanta +10.5 against Jax. Jack Del Rio moves up in the draft to take
Byron Leftwich as his franchise quarterback and cuts him a few years
later after allowing him to play with the 1st team offense all
preseason. His first year as coach he installed a tree stump and an axe
in the locker room to signify that the team should "keep chopping wood".
The punter then proceeds to almost cut his leg off. Then he accuses the
Guru of messing with the headphones in Foxboro. Um, Jack, the league
handles the gameday wireless communications. Not the home team. One
sideline goes out, the officials turn off the other sideline. And the
B-slap you took last year from the Pats........was in Jacksonville.
Custer had a better strategy at Little Big Horn than employ on most game
days. Next year when you are looking for work, guess who not to call?

Saints -3.5 over Bucs.

Packers even over Giants. Relax, Breet. Thanks to the the league
fisting the Guru you get off this week. Although your team did complain
last season about videogate, perhaps beginning the chain of events that
led to this. Incidentally, the league confiscated the tape last week at
the Meadowlands 8 minutes into the game. Why is nobody in the media
mentioning this? What did the Guru do over the next 52 minutes? Cast
at spell?

Buffalo +9.5 over Pitt. Whines Ward and the Short Bus think the Pats
cheated in their two AFC Championship games against them. Short Bus
actually has a GNC commercial where he talks about how he keeps in such
great shape. Jared from Subway looks better in his "before" picture
than you did in your last season. And, um, Whines, you are an
"offensive" player. You get your plays through a "wireless device" in
the Turd Burglars helmet. Did the Guru intercept these frequencies IN
YOUR STADIUM?

Seattle -3 over Arizona. Maybe the league should fine the Pats for
making it rain in Seattle and for the design of the Seahawks ridiculous
uniforms. They look like the insides of my non stick cookware. It's
Calphalon if you must know.

49ers +3 over Rams.

Wash +7 over Philly. Secret Pats video tapes not only show Donovan
Mcstoneless heaving in the huddle during their last Super Bowl drive and
conducting the slow down offense. Tape actually captures Andy Reid's
kids baking a batch of crystal meth on sidline and sending smoke signals
to Pats.

Pats -infinity over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better pack some extra
Midol for this Sunday night. The Pats coaching staff should come out
with a set of 2 cans and one string to represent the extent of the
electronic chicanery it will take to lay down copious amounts of
whoopass on the crying Bolts. The Sky box will be loaded and ready for
anyone man enough to step into it.

Couple of side notes....

Major Props need to be given to TC for having the Randy Moss to NE trade
roughly 3 days before the rest of the country. Too much fun watching
Berman et al fumble around the set while the EYC paddle crew had all the
411. Nicely done.

Big Al, other wise known as MR. Vegas, has this query, "If video gate is
such a big deal and gives the Pats such a game day advantage, why has
the line NOT MOVED ONE FREAKING POINT in the last weak? Don't the wise
guys know best? Well said Mr. Vegas. You are now the official gambling
correspondent to the Pix.

Lastly, a little departure from Videogate. Last week it was reported
that hundreds of thousands of condoms were being returned to several US
relief agencies who hand them out in underdevolped parts of the world
and in some impoverished parts of the US. Of note to the Pix was that
these condoms were made in China. Really, their condoms don't work?
Maybe that's why there are a billion people there. If I want some lead
in my kids toys or some poison in my food supply I'll ask the folks in
Bejing. Functional contracepives not so much. The Pix doesn't get
condoms from China, Lingerie and adult entertainment from Iran and
finally.........lessons in loyalty from Eric the Mangina Manjudas.
Enjoy your weekends..........

9/6/07

The 2007 season kicks off tonight and the Pix are back. Thanks to all
the usual suspects (Vick, Pac Man, Tank Johnson, Andy Reid's
kids).....there was no shortage of offseason shenanigans, tom foolery
and bally hoo. But since that fruit hangs lower than Larry Craig's left
hand under a bathroom stall divider in the Minny airport, we'll skip the
obvious jokes for now and get to some football. The Pix.....


Indy -6 over Saints. Forgive me if I skip the pregame slurpage over the
Colts' raising the banner in the RCA (still in business?) dome. Just
too painful to watch. Hard to hate Peyton, but what's with Tony Dungy?
He's on the opposite of HGH. Call it GHG. He used to play in the NFL
and now is skinnier than Nicole Ritchie after an 8 ball and a carton of
Newports lights.

Green Bay +3 over Philly. The countdown begins. It took George Blanda
340 games to throw 277 interceptions. Breet has thrown 273 in just 241
games (but he's having fun out there). In addition, While Breet has
been having all that fun and holding the organization hostage, the
Packers haven't beaten a playoff bound team since 2004. This offseason
The Pix sent Peter King and John Madden a set of kneepads for the coming
Breet gobblefest that will suround breaking Dan Marino's all time
passing TD record. Needless to say the Pix will be focused on the more
appropriate interception milestone.

Atlanta +3 over Minnesota. Just a feeling here that the Falcons will be
more than a little motivated to show that the absence of the Dog
Whisperer won't entirely drown (or hang or electrocute) their season.
The Vikings have a QB named Tavarius and a coach who looks like Beeker
from the Muppets. For good measure, it says here that Harrington
finishes the season with better passing stats than the DW ever had.

Buffalo +3 over Donkeys. New Donkey Travis Henry visits the home where
he has at least 2 of his kids that he fathered with 9 different women in
4 different cities. The Pix has written a cheer for our boy Trav.
2-4-6-8 Travis likes to procreate. On a more serious football note, the
Bills will be pretty good this year. Me thinks a playoff team.
Marshawn Lynch is legit.

Houston +3 over KC. Woof. This game has all the allure of a Slippery
Rock and Murray State affair. The Chiefs are in a worse rebuilding
season than Notre Dame.

Rams -1 over Panthers. Who Cares.

Washington -3 over Miami. The Dolphins hired Cam Cameron this
offseason. The Pix isn't sure, but I think Cam is short for Cameron.
So they hired Cameron Cameron. The good news? Jason Taylor has
apparently stopped cheating on Zach Thomas's sister. So they have that
going for them.

Pats -6.5 over the Jets. This year the Jets go from playing the easiest
schedule in the league to a fairly tough one. Pennington still can't
throw and the Mangina has a let down year. Meanwhile the Pats are more
stacked than ever. Dirty little secret about Seymour is that he was the
Pats' 4th best d lineman last year. They'll miss Rodney more. Another
dirty little secret that the Pix has to finally break down for the
public.......Giselle Bunchden is overrated. Really, she's just Steffi
Graf with a smaller beak. Brady needs to punt the chain smoking super
skank and get back with his baby momma.

Pittsburgh -4 over UPS. Until the Browns start Brady Quinn there is no
reason to waste our time on them. It's been too many months since I
have written the words Turd Burglar, so there it is. If he can keep his
grape off the pavement he shoud have an ok year.

Jax -7 over Ten. We said it last year and we'll say it again. Vince
Young throws like a girl. He now replaces the DW as the leagues best
running back being used as a QB. Meanwhile, if you haven't seen Pac
Man's interview on HBO with Bryant Gumblel last month than Pix can't
help you. Some of the best TV ever. One thing I'll say for Pac Man
though, at least he's not a phony. He keeps it real. Unlike the DW who
turns informant and then says how he's never pointed the finger at
anyone. Um, DW, it's kind of your job now. Call it a kooky government
thing. And as far as finding Jesus is concerned, I wasn't aware he was
hiding.

Chargers -6 over Chicago. Let's not forget all the whining Ladudian
Tampon and the rest of the Bolts did after they coughed up a playoff
loss to the Pats last year. The only thing lamer was the DW's comments
that his actions over the last 6 years were "immature". DW, farting at
the dinner table and blaming your brother is immature. Drowning and
electrocuting animals who were just trying to please you by doing what
you bred them to do...is......well immature doesn't very well describe
it. Oh, and Rex Grossman stinks.

Seattle -7 over TB. Has Gruden signed Byron Leftwich yet?

Giants +6 over Cowboys. For the record, the Pix has called every Giants
game dating back to 1991 incorrectly. Having said that, I think all the
Tiki (from now on known as Me Me) talk will fire them up. That and Rip
Van Wade has been asleep since he used to coach the Bills.

Ravens +2.5 over Cinmates. Maybe in a parralell universe Cinci doesn't
finish 8-8 every year. Unfortunately for the Cinmates, in this one they
do.

Detroit +2 over Raiders. Are they kidding? The Pix has the Lions
sneaking into the playoffs this year.

Arizona +3 over San Francisco. Once again the GURU fleeces a team in
the draft for their first rounder. All Pats fans should be rooting
against 49ers this year. Fortunately, we won't have to root that hard.
They're more overrated than butter face Giselle.

The carpet cleaners had to be called to 4 Savoy last week when the Pix
spit out half a glass of club soda and cranberry over the latest Viagra
commercial. If you haven't seen it yet, a bunch of guys are out in a
cabin "jamming" to the song they presumably wrote about the little blue
pill set to the music of Elvis' tome "Viva Las Vegas". The Pix would
like to know, if these guys are so fired up to use their favorite
pharmaceutical, why are they sitting around in a cabin singing with
their buddies? And was that Larry Craig on drums?