Braylon Edwards is a horses patootie

So the Pix has been searching for a photo of Rex Ryan at the moment he heard about Braylon Edwards' arrest this Tuesday morning for DUI. Normally the Pix ignores the typical athlete peccadilloes for the simple reason that there would be no time to write about anything else. For the love of Zeus, we haven't even delved into The Turd Burglar's kidnapping and rape charges from this offseason, so why focus on one out of 2000 d-wi's? Because some d-wi's are different from others. First of all, Braylon's happened in Manhattan.....which is amazing enough. Manhattan has 10,000 cabs and like 3 passenger vehicles. And here's the kicker, just before the season started, Jets management handed every player a card with a phone number on it that was to be used at any time for situations such as these. They call it something like "player security" and it consists of a staff of ex NYPD officers that is on retainer for the entire season in case any player finds themselves in a jam. So it's 4:45 am Tuesday and Braylon, Vernon Gholston and D'brickashaw Fergusun are still kicking it in the 212 when the three amigos decide to get behind the wheel after partying for 8 consecutive hours. Not a cab. Not a limo, no call to "player security", they just go for it. It's like Warren Buffet finding himself at a convenient store and rather than tapping into is multi billion dollar fortune, he decides to shoplift a pack of lifesavers because it will increase his street cred.


Word on the street is that Braylon, Vernon and D'brickashaw had only listened to "side A" of Skillet and Leroy on the way to the clubs and were desperate to get back in the car and listen to "side B" of the legendary comedy duo. Can't blame them for that......

The Pix was 7-7 last week and is still roughly .500 for the season. Although it needs to be pointed out that the Pix is 1.000 betting against Breet. Delightful, delicious and delectable. Once again we are going with the quick pix format for football this week. If the PIx missis any games, hopefully the "out of town bird" will chirp up. The PIx:

Panthers +3 vs Bengals
Niners -3 at KC
Det +12 at Breet and his uterus
Houston -3 vs Cowboys
Saints -4 vs Falcons
Browns +12 at Ravens
NYG -3 vs Titans
Eagles -3 at Jax (lock of the week)
Wash -4 at Rams
Seahawks +4 vs Chargers....Anyone else thing Rivers is a total douche?
Raiders +4 at Arizona
Colts -6 at Donkeys
Miami -2 vs Jets
Packers -3 at Bears
Bills +14 vs Pats




.........Somehow the PIx doesn't see Christine O'donnell securing the votes of the "Mastermen Quartet". And the Pix isn't a really good counter, but it seems there may be an extra "master man" here. Lord only knows what his role is....



So PYE records signs Geno Washington to a big solo deal. Then he walks into the recording studio for the first time to meet his band and............."Say what?" He meets the Ram Jam Band. Not sure what Water, Understanding, HI, Hi, Hazel Beach Bash is, but the PIx is unsure Geno would be invited to any beach bashes the Ram Jam Band would be at. Just sayin.



Whoa!!!!! It appears the Ram Jam band is up to no good here. Fortunately, there seems to be no sign of Geno Washington. The PIx suggests Geno stay away from this gig. The only thing missing is the Grand Dragon and some better detergent for those pillow cases. That guy 3 from the left looks like some satanic Tinky Winky. Or is it Po who has that symbol on top of his head?


Which one do you think is "Justy"? And color the Pix afraid of any thing behind the Keybender's barn.



Apologies for images over content this week. Friday snuck up on the Pix, and last Sunday's game against the Jets had a sobering effect on the comedy quotient.

A few more.....




Too subtle?


.....no, thank you




Lastly, the Pix took out the recycling this morning and.....um....unless thePix' math is off, there seems to be a little problem at chateaux Pix. Let's just hope the recycling truck arrives before DSS breezes through the neighborhood. It looks like the official wife and the Chardonnay sisters have been hosting nightly book clubs with Kid Rock and Paula Abdul.

Enjoy your weekends,
Pix out

The General

Quick homer alert, followed by quick pix, followed by random randomness:

Tonight at Piper field in Marblehead, the scoreboard will be dedicated to William A. Quigley of the Grant Rd. Quiqleys. "The General", who has been discussed here in the past, was an avid Marblehead booster and currently has 8 grandchildren participating in town sports in one form or another. Please join the Pix in raising a can of deliciousness this evening to honor this dedication to a deserving sports and family man. And General, if you are reading this from the Skybox, please forgive the Pix for the, shall we say, off color language and references.

Quick Pix this week after a rough 5-7-1 record against the line last week:

Eagles -6 at Lions
Cowboys -7 v. Bears
Panthers -3 v. Bucs
Chiefs -2 v. Manginas
Cards +7 at Falcons
Dolphins +7 at Breet
Titans -5 v. Turds
Pack -13 v. Bills
Seattle +3 at Donkeys
Rams +4 at Raiders
Wash -3 vs. Houston
Colts -6 vs Giants
Saints -5 at SF
Jets -3 vs Pats


The internets are ablaze this week with a plethora of fraud, freaks, miscreants and poseurs.












That's right, it's Christine O'donnell. The anti-beat off bird who has become famous for winning the GOP primary in Delaware this week. Aside from the fact that winning a Republican primary in Mass or Delaware is like winning "best smile" at a methadone clinic, Ms O'donnell now becomes the poster child for what is effed up with American politics. According to MSNBC, the Washington Post, New York times and other news agencies more reliable than the Pix........this wingnut has been caught lying to the about her undergraduate degree, ghost post grad courses, her income taxes, remunerating employees of previous campaigns and making one bean soup (ok, Pix made last one up). Look, when elections turn into VH 1 reality shows gone bad, it's time to rethink the process. Fortunately for the western world, she is going to get pounded worse than Montana Fishburne in the general election in 7 weeks. (or as some say, long enough for Sarah Palin to have a fake baby).

Anyone ever heard of Ryanair? This outfit is a discount airline that has in one month come up with the two worst ideas in the history of air travel. First, they have proposed doing away with the co-pilot. Why not just do away with the landing gear while you are at it? Maybe after they get rid of the pesky crew as well, they can sell seats in the former co-pilot's chair. "AHHHHH ladies and gentlemen, this is the Pix speaking to you from the cockpit and, um, we have a little situation here. The Captain has suffered a coronary and the Pix is on his 4th Bombay sapphire and tonic. It's going to get a little bumpy for a while, so we are going to take off the no smoking sign, but we ask that you remain in your seats with your seat belts securely fastened while we all careen at 400 miles per hour to our assured fiery deaths. Thank you for....................." And that wasn't even their worse idea:











This is! It's called a saddle seat. How's your nut sack, bat man? If the Pix wants a bag of broken grapes with his turbulence he will ask. And you know who doesn't like this idea either? Christine O'donnell. Look at the face on that bird. You know she has planted some special hardware in the saddle if you can smell what the Pix is cooking. The Pix has seen sadder birds in a bukakke video

In other news, it seems J Lo has agreed to take Paula and Kara's place on idol as the crying half shit faced crazy bird. Good for her. And Steven I can't stay upright on a stage anymore Tyler seems set to take Simon's place. You know who should replace Simon if not Howard Stern? The PIx. Here's a couple of quotes from last season's Pix watches Idol at home game:

"Look, Big Mike, you know we can't throw you off the show yet because we are contactually obligated to have an overweight African American on the show until the final four. So go take a seat on the couch and fake hug the chick with the corn rows."

"Um, Aaron.......here's the deal.......you know I don't like you. And it's not just you. It's just that every year we have a pre pubescent gay from the womb tweener who thinks he can take on Mariah or Kelly Clarkson. Nobody is buying it and I just don't feel like selling it. Off you go."

"Crystal, those chicklits are the worst set of teeph I have seen since that mullet wearing hillbilly Bucky in year 4. Police up the grill work or you are going to be out of here faster than the token Hispanic kid we boot in week 2 every season. That is all."

What do you think? Pix for Idol, right?

Moving on......back to football (sort of). The Pix is going to give away the "understatement of the year" award early these season. The award goes to the mother of Jacquizzy Rodgers, Heisman trophy candidate from Oregon State. In an interview with Espn this week, Ms. Rodgers was asked how she came up with the names Jacquizzy, Dequondre (his brother) and Cottera (sister). She replied, "I just kind of make them up". Indeed.

Lastly this week, congratulations are in order for Urban Meyer. This week, wide receiver Chris Rainey was arrested for threatening to kill his girlfriend. Stay classy, Chris. It was the 40th arrest of a Florida Inmator, er, Gator in Meyer's 5 years as head of the program. For some perspective, the "U" has had one player arrested in the same time frame. Well played, Urban.

Finally, the "nest" will be open from 3:00 pm until the official wife kicks everyone out of the house this Sunday (let's say 9ish). Enjoy your weekends people.

Pix out......

Location:Spring St,Marblehead,United States

Week 1

Ok, so, um, how about the rest of the preseason prognostications? Not so much? Wicked sorry. The Pix has been suffering worse technological difficulties than the Angolan space program. In addition to trying to improve the blog with things like images (see Wiggle Cats below), the Pix has been struggling with things not even worth explaining because your average 1st grader could probably fix them. So let's skip the excuses and get to some football. But before football, the Pix feels compelled to address on of the most important current topics on the American scene today. Sarah Palin? No, but we'll get to her. The November elections? The ground zero mosque? Le decision? No, nyet, nein. The Pix of course is referring to the egregious yet relentless persecution of Willie Nelson by the constabulary. Once again, this past summer, Willie and his entourage were pulled over in their magic tour bus and cited for possession of a certain class D substance and some other tomfoolery. Seriously police, you found weed on Willie's bus? What else did you find, a steering wheel? Here's the complete list of things that you will find on Willie's bus. Willie Nelson himself and Willie Nelson's weed. That's it, that's the list. Willie does not exactly hide the fact that he may or may not be "carrying". He once made a video with Snoop Dogg called "My Medicine". It wasn't about Tylenol. Tobey Keith once went on the Steven Colbert show and discussed at length how Willie hydroponically grows his personal herb in Tequilla. Willie hides his passion for pot about as much as Paula Dean hides hers for butter. By the way, it says here that Paula codes before 'ol Willie does. Given the fact that possession of said herb is now simply a glorified speeding ticket, any time the Popo pulls over Willie's bus it's kind of like having their own ATM machine. In fact, to help local municipalities climb out of their fiscal holes, authorities simply need to follow Willie's tour bus around while the twanging fossil blazes it up between stops at Hardee's, Chick O' Filet and Shoneys. The Pix is simply making the point that law enforcement in some southern states may want to spend a little more time on real crimes and a little less on octogenarian inhalation. Or the Pix could have saved himself 500 words and simply written: Free Willie.

The Pix and Random randomness:

Panthers +7 at Giants: Weak and boring.

Packers -3 at Eagles: Homer alert! The Pix' official nephew is featured in a local sports poll this week. The poll is titled "weekend warrior" and asks readers to predict which local high school football player will have the biggest weekend. Pix readers need to get thyselves to www.salemnews.com/sports and vote for Will Quigley. Thanking you, and best of luck to the Magicians for the upcoming season. Stay tuned for more coverage of MHS football in this space throughout the year.

Jax -2 over Donkeys: Put it this way, if you are an underdog to the Jaguars.........you are an underdog to the Jaguars.

Browns +3 at Bucs: And if you are an underdog to the Bucs.......you might be coached by the Mangina.

Niners -3 at Gray Man Group: Until the Seahawks abandon their ridiculous gray/blue/gray uniforms with accents of electric green highlighter, the PIx just can't take them seriously. Let's see how big Mike Singletary's wooden cross is this week. Pix says roughly the size of a lb of Willie Nelson's weed.

Cards -4 at Rams: NFC west is about as exciting as watching the Red Sox crawl their injured asses to the season's finish line.

Ravens +3 at Jets. Rex Ryan is really making it easy for us, isn't he? When Hall of Stain member and biggest braying jackass in the league, Ray Lewis, calls you out for being a braying jackass, you have achieved something. The Pix is looking forward to watching the Jets go 7-9 this year.

Chargers -5 over Chiefs. Pix doesn't feel good about this pick. Chiefs could be feisty this year.

Colts -2 at Texans: Recently the Pix made a chicken curry dish that called for adding a bag of frozen peas to it. Really? Add peas to the dish? Why don't I just eat a pound of asparagus and urinate into the pot instead? It's hight time the Pix addressed the plague that is the pea. This vile orb has been haunting the Pix since childhood. Consider the Pea the first addition to Jihad 2010.

Titans -6 over Raiders: How much does the Pix despise the Pea? After a certain surgical procedure that made it highly unlikely that the Pix
willl ever reproduce again, the doctor advised the Pix to "put a bag of frozen peas on it". The Pix went with corn.

Lions +6 at Bears: Boog D is not going to like this, but the Bears are a train wreck. Do not be surprised if the motor city kitties win this game outright.

Cowboys -3 over Redskins: There was an incident at an amusement park this summer in Virginia at King's Dominion amusement park where an employee was accused of inappropriately touching a minor. The employee's name? Dong Wang. Look, it's well known that when certain ethnic groups passed through Ellis island earlier this century that authorities would often tweak a foreign name to assist said immigrants to assimilate themselves more seamlessly into American society. The Pix has no idea where Dong Wang entered the US, but, um.....I think he could have used a little assistance in this regard. Just saying'.

Bengals +5 over Pats: Look, it has to be done. The Pix has been fooling himself for far too long that the GURU has been operating at full capacity. His last few drafts have been as successful Bristol and Levi's most recent reunion. The Bengals are loaded on defense, and have two hall of fame caliber wide outs challenging the youngest and shortest secondary in the NFL. Copious amounts of deliciousness will be needed to get through this season, and the Pix is ready. And waking up to the headline yesterday, "Brady in car wreck" felt a lot like the feeling the Pix had last Thanksgiving with Tiger's crash/escape/ambien fueled mishap. Just not a lot of good vibes. On the other hand, the Pix hears that Willie Nelson is playing Foxboro this fall.

Congratulations to all for making it through another painful off season. Summer may be over, but September means Pix, Pats, Pumpkin ale and a 50' Plasma. Delicious and delightful. Enjoy your weekends.

Pix out.

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Location:Unnamed Rd,Peabody,United States