Quick Pix this week, but first just a few words for the Facebookers out there. And that's all of you because the only place the Pix posts is the "Book". Most of you are doing a pretty good job.....lots of great photos of the kids, the occasional food shot (Pix actually likes these), maybe a nice shout out to a fossil in your life, all good. But there are still a few of you who need to be policed up a bit and officer Pix is here to provide a few reminders of how to be a productive and not painful FBer. Ok? Great, good talk.
1. The Pix doesn't give a shit that you are at the airport. Congrats, you can board a plane. How about waiting until you are somewhere cool......and then lets us know. East Boston doesn't do it for the Pix.
2. "15 years ago, I married my soul mate, best friend, blah, blah, blah......Pix couldn't even write anymore because this drivel makes Pix want to Puke. Didn't Pix see you toss a glass of wine at your soul mate and walk out of the bar the other night? Or look at your phone and swear while angrily texting that its not your turn to pick up the kids at your mother in laws? Look, it's nice that you made it another year without killing each other, but please spare us the public fawn fest. Oh, and if your marriage really IS that good? Rest assured nobody wants that rubbed their faces.
3. This is what's called an awkward segue, and has nothing to do with the paragrah above, but, um.....enough with the pet photos. Yes, your dog is cute. And anything within the first 6 months is fair game as well. The Pix is just saying to check your pet/child ratio and, ya know? Just sayin'...
4. Political rants.....nobody cares. We get it, the world gets it, you're smarter than everyone else. Without your wisdom there's an actual chance Democrats will retain the White House. But thanks to you, we can see the light that Obama is an illegal alien Russian spy sent from China to steal our money and give free health care to South America. And he's probably married to a dude. Not to mention he hates Christmas and doesn't even really believe in Jeebus, because he is too busy funnelling money and arms to ISIS. Yes, we can see it now......and you have convinced us with your 6000th post. Your work is done, and we thank you.
The Games:
Oakland +5 over Shitsburgh. The Pix would like to thank the Raiders for embarrassing Jets last weekend and for Derek Carr to lead fantasy Pix to a rare win. If you could finally beat the Donkeys some day the Pix will come to Oakland and share a beverage with you all.
Jets -7.5 over the Jaaaaaags. Um..........the Pix has nothing.
Rams +2 over Viqueens. Um..........yup, still not a thing.
Miami +3 over Bills. The AFC East really is amusing. All offseason the pundits predicted the AFC East would be so much harder this year. REX, REVIS, SUH....well it turns out Rex is still a joke, the Jets are paying Revis 20 million to cover our slot reciever, and Miami still will soil themselves the moment they walk of the plane at Logan. Good times.
NO -8 over Tenn. Let's back up there a moment. Has there ever been a better Jedi mind trick than the Guru acting like he might resign Revis and the Jets blowing up their salary cap so a maturing cornerback can man up on Julian Edelman? Did that really just happen? Because thats the MOST JETS THING EVER.
Carolina +3 over GB. Pix was watching the Browns/Bengals last night and noticed the NFL has switched from pink to camouflage. That's right, the NFL is done pandering to women for a month and have moved on to our love of the military to encourage us to buy more gear. It's bad enough that teams are CHARGING local National Guard units for military celebrations at the stadiums....and that's gross. But now requiring the coaches and players to dawn army-ish stuff is so transparent and cynical .....well, sorry, there isn't even a joke here. Goodell is poison.
Atlanta -7 over SF.
Tampa +3 over NYG
Indy +5 over Donkeys. Yes, NFL we love our ladies (pinktober). And yes, we love the military. You got us there. But we know what the eff you are doing here. So let the Pix make a prediction. The NFL cares SOOOOOOOO much about social issues, where could they take us in December? What's left? Pix is thinking.........has to be the LGBT thing, right? Especially the T? ESPN can regift the heroism ESPY to Braytlyn Jenner and players can wave rainbow towels. Maybe Rex can paint his toe nails and Andy Reid can shave his head and put on a bra outside is rainbow tank top? Don't think this isn't happening? You know Goodell is pissed the NBA is in bed with the Kardashians and if there's a penny out there the SHIELD will shamelessly exhaust all efforts to collect it. Prepare yoursleves for LGBTember.
Philly -2 at Dallas.
Washington +15 over Pats. Very few things concern the Guru more than Jay Gruden dialing up a gameplan. And when Kirk Cousins gets hot.....there's no stopping him. If the Redskins roll out their yellow pants, the Pix thinks Washington could even win the game outright. So the Pix is going to tease the Skins with Bindi Irwin getting a 9 from Bruno Tonioli. And then the Pix will go up to New Hamphshire and fight the good fight for Ben Carson while posting pictures of the official dog on Facebook.
Enjoy the games everyone, Pix out.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
The Treadmill and the Tube
The Pix is taking a bit of a left hand turn this week. There will be no (or a little) profanity, and probably a lot less humor....you have been warned.
We all know instinctively that most television news and advertising is.....bad, negative, discouraging, scary, disingenuous.....all that. But really, it's so much worse. It's pure poison. Almost ALL of it. The Pix knows that you know this, but just this week the Pix ran a little experiment and needs to share it: Here's the deal....
The Pix is a fossil. Due to having one working knee and an expanding waist line, the only thing the Pix can do other than go on a diet and stop enjoying vitamin V (not happening) is to walk on the treadmill for a solid hour every afternoon. To make matters more depressing, the Pix now listens to audio books while on the treadmill (ever try to WALK while listening to music? Too Richard Simmonsesque). Like most gyms, big screen TVs are set up so the cardio queens can watch whatever they watch while do whatever they do. After the Pix was on this walking jag for a few weeks it occurred to your dear writer that Pixie, while shedding a lb or two, was getting more and more depressed. Hence last week's installment, blast, profanity-laden diatribe. Fortunately, the Pix figured it out. Try watching/not watching..... just sort of observing three television channels at a time. No sound, just reading and absorbing the headlines and advertisements. And by the way, only two TVs are on news stations, the third is on ELLEN. ALWAYS ELLEN. And she's usually in the middle (more on her later).
Here's what the Pix learned from paying a little more attention to this odd trifecta: OMG we are all going to go bankrupt/get sick/die like really soon. Like this week.
Left TV, CNBC.....according to CNBC (Continuously Negative Broadcasting Network) your finances are going to Zero. Remember, the Pix is only reading the screen, so the words BUBBLE, PLUNGE, DIVE, CRASH are pretty much how everything is described. And the commercials are even worse. Have you ever heard of MESOTHELIOMA? TRANS VAGINAL MESH? Well, you should have, because judging by the constant adds from the class action lawyers, we must all have that shit. You think Geico and Draft Kings clog up the airwaves? When we are audibly assaulted by ubiquitous insurance or fantasy football ads we normally just change the chanel....for whatever reason we don't notice all the class action lawyer poison.
Remember, middle TV, ELLEN. God bless that kooky bird.
Right TV, ususally local news, or CNN. Shool shooting, ISIS, school shooting, Putin, school shooting, TRUMP. Ads for Hair loss, Fan duel, another one of any ad that basically fits the genre of SCARE THE OLD PEOPLE. Fire, school shooting, pro athelete crashing car or beating up a woman, school shooting. The Pix won't go on, you get the gist. And you all know this stuff. But when the Pix is on that treadmill just scanning from left to right and back again, it really surprised even the most cynical person the Pix can think of, the Pix, that we really are getting force fed an intergallactically massive fire hose of negativity. Because it sells, right?
So let's lighten the mood here with my girl, ELLEN. From what the Pix can gather, the only thing this wonderful bird does is dance, hug people and give away prizes to kids. Everyone who comes on the show as a guest has to dance their way on to the set, where ELLEN then joins them in dancing and then they sit in comfy chairs and smile and laugh. If we could stream ELLEN over every media spectrum to the Middle East, ISIS would drop their weapons and start dancing in about a week. (The Pix just glance at the muted TV in the office, "Mother of Murdered Toddler speaks out". In other words, it must be Friday morning......).
So sorry for the rant, and like the Pix mentioned, you all instinctively know this. But try muting your TV for 10 minutes some time and chanel surf......Pixie thinks you'll be surprised.....and you will need you some ELLEN!!!
The Pix:
Houston +5 over Miami: Apparently this new Dolphins coach has really inspired his players. He's going to CHANGE THE CULTURE and HOLD PLAYERS ACCOUNTABLE.....AS MEN. Dear lord.......yawn. Every interim coach wets himself in week 1 trying to be the tough guy. Wash, rinse, repeat....the Dolphins are a cess pool and the huge turd in the middle of it all is Ndomikong Suh.
Michigan -3 over Mich St: Yes, the Pix knows this game was last week, but BWAHAHAHAHH. AH AHA HA HAH!!!!! The Pix promises you that Jim Harbaugh has not had a bowel movement this week. Maybe not even this month, but DEFINITELY not this week. That's gotta hurt, or at least be extrememly uncomfortable.
Arizona -7 over Baltimore: BWAHAHAHAHAHHAH. The Ravens!
Minn -2 over DET: Again, glancing at the TV.....a road rage story on top and underneath the scroll describes Jared Fogle's plea deal....good times.
Cleveland +6 over Rams: So Johnny Manziel was drinking again, driving over 100 mph, and his bird tried jumping out of a moving car. And the bruises she had were from Johnny Football trying to stop her from...jumping out of the car....hmmmmmm, seems about right.
Jax +5 over Buffalo: Didn't take long for the Rex show to get old in Buffalo, did it?
Philly + 4 over Carolina: The media is going to sprain something sensitive as they all jump on the Kitty's bandwagon all at once. Pix may have even seen Mark Brunell on NFLSPN crying and apologizing to Cam for (sniff, sniff) doubting him. The Pix will wait another week or so before we hand the Lombardi trophy to the Panthers and the MVP to Cam.
Pitt - 2 over KC: This line is weird. Oh, wait, Landry Jones is involved? Well then, KC +2 over Shittsburgh.
Atlanta -3 over TENN: Ratings outside Atlanta should be somewhere between CSI: Green Bay and Lincoln Chaffeee UNPLUGGED.
Indy -4 over NO: The Colts were cute, weren't they? With their deflate gate signs and finalist banners. The Pix can neither confirm nor deny that the Colts hung two new banners on Monday. WE LED AT HALFTIME, and WE COVERED THE SPREAD. The Pix won't even mention the FUNT or, as the Pix prefers, WHAT THE CHUCK.
Jets +9 over Pats: Reverse Jinx? NOOOOO. NEVER. Actually, the Pix is simply grabbing 9 points here and figures the Jets can back door cover the line like the Colts did. That's all. The Jets will go up 7, the Guru and Brady will adjust, deliciousness will be consumed, Pats will roll, and the Pix will make a pot roast. Or pasta in a garlic sauce. Maybe lamb. Something Yummy. Thanking you.
See you Monday, ELLEN, Pix out.
We all know instinctively that most television news and advertising is.....bad, negative, discouraging, scary, disingenuous.....all that. But really, it's so much worse. It's pure poison. Almost ALL of it. The Pix knows that you know this, but just this week the Pix ran a little experiment and needs to share it: Here's the deal....
The Pix is a fossil. Due to having one working knee and an expanding waist line, the only thing the Pix can do other than go on a diet and stop enjoying vitamin V (not happening) is to walk on the treadmill for a solid hour every afternoon. To make matters more depressing, the Pix now listens to audio books while on the treadmill (ever try to WALK while listening to music? Too Richard Simmonsesque). Like most gyms, big screen TVs are set up so the cardio queens can watch whatever they watch while do whatever they do. After the Pix was on this walking jag for a few weeks it occurred to your dear writer that Pixie, while shedding a lb or two, was getting more and more depressed. Hence last week's installment, blast, profanity-laden diatribe. Fortunately, the Pix figured it out. Try watching/not watching..... just sort of observing three television channels at a time. No sound, just reading and absorbing the headlines and advertisements. And by the way, only two TVs are on news stations, the third is on ELLEN. ALWAYS ELLEN. And she's usually in the middle (more on her later).
Here's what the Pix learned from paying a little more attention to this odd trifecta: OMG we are all going to go bankrupt/get sick/die like really soon. Like this week.
Left TV, CNBC.....according to CNBC (Continuously Negative Broadcasting Network) your finances are going to Zero. Remember, the Pix is only reading the screen, so the words BUBBLE, PLUNGE, DIVE, CRASH are pretty much how everything is described. And the commercials are even worse. Have you ever heard of MESOTHELIOMA? TRANS VAGINAL MESH? Well, you should have, because judging by the constant adds from the class action lawyers, we must all have that shit. You think Geico and Draft Kings clog up the airwaves? When we are audibly assaulted by ubiquitous insurance or fantasy football ads we normally just change the chanel....for whatever reason we don't notice all the class action lawyer poison.
Remember, middle TV, ELLEN. God bless that kooky bird.
Right TV, ususally local news, or CNN. Shool shooting, ISIS, school shooting, Putin, school shooting, TRUMP. Ads for Hair loss, Fan duel, another one of any ad that basically fits the genre of SCARE THE OLD PEOPLE. Fire, school shooting, pro athelete crashing car or beating up a woman, school shooting. The Pix won't go on, you get the gist. And you all know this stuff. But when the Pix is on that treadmill just scanning from left to right and back again, it really surprised even the most cynical person the Pix can think of, the Pix, that we really are getting force fed an intergallactically massive fire hose of negativity. Because it sells, right?
So let's lighten the mood here with my girl, ELLEN. From what the Pix can gather, the only thing this wonderful bird does is dance, hug people and give away prizes to kids. Everyone who comes on the show as a guest has to dance their way on to the set, where ELLEN then joins them in dancing and then they sit in comfy chairs and smile and laugh. If we could stream ELLEN over every media spectrum to the Middle East, ISIS would drop their weapons and start dancing in about a week. (The Pix just glance at the muted TV in the office, "Mother of Murdered Toddler speaks out". In other words, it must be Friday morning......).
So sorry for the rant, and like the Pix mentioned, you all instinctively know this. But try muting your TV for 10 minutes some time and chanel surf......Pixie thinks you'll be surprised.....and you will need you some ELLEN!!!
The Pix:
Houston +5 over Miami: Apparently this new Dolphins coach has really inspired his players. He's going to CHANGE THE CULTURE and HOLD PLAYERS ACCOUNTABLE.....AS MEN. Dear lord.......yawn. Every interim coach wets himself in week 1 trying to be the tough guy. Wash, rinse, repeat....the Dolphins are a cess pool and the huge turd in the middle of it all is Ndomikong Suh.
Michigan -3 over Mich St: Yes, the Pix knows this game was last week, but BWAHAHAHAHH. AH AHA HA HAH!!!!! The Pix promises you that Jim Harbaugh has not had a bowel movement this week. Maybe not even this month, but DEFINITELY not this week. That's gotta hurt, or at least be extrememly uncomfortable.
Arizona -7 over Baltimore: BWAHAHAHAHAHHAH. The Ravens!
Minn -2 over DET: Again, glancing at the TV.....a road rage story on top and underneath the scroll describes Jared Fogle's plea deal....good times.
Cleveland +6 over Rams: So Johnny Manziel was drinking again, driving over 100 mph, and his bird tried jumping out of a moving car. And the bruises she had were from Johnny Football trying to stop her from...jumping out of the car....hmmmmmm, seems about right.
Jax +5 over Buffalo: Didn't take long for the Rex show to get old in Buffalo, did it?
Philly + 4 over Carolina: The media is going to sprain something sensitive as they all jump on the Kitty's bandwagon all at once. Pix may have even seen Mark Brunell on NFLSPN crying and apologizing to Cam for (sniff, sniff) doubting him. The Pix will wait another week or so before we hand the Lombardi trophy to the Panthers and the MVP to Cam.
Pitt - 2 over KC: This line is weird. Oh, wait, Landry Jones is involved? Well then, KC +2 over Shittsburgh.
Atlanta -3 over TENN: Ratings outside Atlanta should be somewhere between CSI: Green Bay and Lincoln Chaffeee UNPLUGGED.
Indy -4 over NO: The Colts were cute, weren't they? With their deflate gate signs and finalist banners. The Pix can neither confirm nor deny that the Colts hung two new banners on Monday. WE LED AT HALFTIME, and WE COVERED THE SPREAD. The Pix won't even mention the FUNT or, as the Pix prefers, WHAT THE CHUCK.
Jets +9 over Pats: Reverse Jinx? NOOOOO. NEVER. Actually, the Pix is simply grabbing 9 points here and figures the Jets can back door cover the line like the Colts did. That's all. The Jets will go up 7, the Guru and Brady will adjust, deliciousness will be consumed, Pats will roll, and the Pix will make a pot roast. Or pasta in a garlic sauce. Maybe lamb. Something Yummy. Thanking you.
See you Monday, ELLEN, Pix out.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Enough............seriously......ENOUGH
The Pix has had it. Pat fans have suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from ESPN and the NFL enough. From the slanderous and massively tainted Wells report to Roger Goodell's transparent attempts to besmirch the league's greatest player and railroad him into a suspension for, as the Pix sees it, being too AWESOME, we say....enough.
You think Brady needs a deflated ball to be the best? Well, since the balls have been "reinflated", Brady has thrown 15 td passes and one pick. Seems like the kid is getting the hang of this thing called passing....
Brady's AWESOME quotient is somewhere between Ghandi and Jesus....and the Pix doesn't even believe in Jesus (Ray Lewis does, though so.....)
Brady has every important passing record, Brady is better looking than Giselle, Brady speaks better than most Presidents, Brady makes Chuck Norris look like a chicken fried pussy, Brady and the Guru are like, wait.....there is NO analogy, Brady could crop dust the economy section of your Delta flight to Cleveland and you will think your are inhaling pure O2 and rosewater.
The Pix has been reluctant to defend Brady because every MASS hole frome here to Gt Barrington has already done so. And every nutless Brady basher has gone the other way with equal vehemence and delusion. It has already been said, over and over and over again.....but the Pix hasn't said it....so off we go. An entire Pix dedicated to the greates human being to ever live.
The PIX:
Atlanta -3 over NO. Who gives a fuck? This game is the type of dumpster fire that a Feb NBA tilt of Toronto vs. Denver reminds me of. Gay. There it is, Pix said it. Brady is such a stallion that Greg Hardy's interview this week consisted not only of his recognizing Brady's swordsmanship, but also Hardy asking for Giselle's sister to be at the game. This seems about right, because the closest Hardy would ever get to Brady's people is that his wife's sister may or may not be in the stands.
Cleveland +4 vs Denver. Did anybody else wonder why chicken neck didn't defend Brady this offseason? The Pix noticed. I guess if your "friend" kicks the shit out of you 8/10 times and has rendered your career impotent, a certain virulent and malignant strain of jealousy can implant itself into your being. And Peyton has a stage 5 Belinoma. The only cure? A blessing and pardon from...........BRADY.
Cinci -3 over Buffalo. So.........ESPN. Let's talk about the "Leader". They fire Olberman, Simmons and Whitlock.....their best on air and online talent. Why? Because they were the only three media talents who criticized Goodell and the NFL with an independent and fair take. Yet ESPN re signs Greeny (Jets fan) and Golic (Retard) because if ESPN told them to join ISIS and declare Jihad on Boston they would wet themselves on their way to strap on suicide vests.
KC +4 vs Minn. Chris Carter, Ray Lewis, Stephen A. Smith, Mark Brunell, Bill Polian, Jerome Bettis, Ladudian Tampon.....can the media find someone who Brady hasn't embarrased/pancaked/fisted pls?
Jax -1 vs Houston. Seriously?
Detroit -3 over Chicago. Pix thinks the Pats beat these teams 94-17 last season. Nope, correction, it was 30,756-10. Pix waits for ESPN to hire more Lions and Bears for objective commentary on the Pats.
Jets -6 over Wash. Since Brady and the Guru got their wondertwins thing going the Pats are 44-9 against the Jets and the Bills. Vegas has a word for that.........profit.
Arizona -3 at Shitsburgh. The Pix was in Dallas last weekend. The Pix was in Jerry Jones' suite. If Pfizer invented and anti-viagra, like if they invented a pill that could de-crank you, and the Pix took 10.....then when Brady spiked the ball after his QB sneak and let out a primordial scream that would make William Wallace look like Lincon Chafee...never mind, the Pix needs to stop right here.
Miami +2 over Tenn. It's really cute that these cities (all of them) have fan bases that root and buy jerseys and pretend they belong in the same league as Brady. Seriously....good for these little fellas...
Carolina +7 over Seattle. Here's the thing....Pix likes Pete Carroll and Richard Sherman. And Sherman is about the only NFL super star to come out and bang the NFL over deflategate. And the Seahawks played in the two greatest Super Bowls ever...raping Peyton and the Donkeys and admirably losing to the Pats. So the Pix wants Seattle in the playoffs. There.....the Pix said something nice.
GB -10 over SD. Good god the Bolts suck. Spineless, gutless, soft turds who are haunted by the Ghosts of Norv Turner and Ladudian "everyone knows how classy I am" Tampon. Go ahead and move to LA so you can become pure DIARRHEA. (Pix just realize that the word, diarrheah, is completely under used. Stand by for more diarrheah)
San Fran +4 over Baltimore. Ron Jaworski LAST SEASON said that after "reviewing all the tapes", Colin Crapernick might be......wait for it......the greatest QB in the history of the NFL. And "JAWS" still has a job. That's like the Surgeon General saying Aids and Ebola are good for you....if you smoke a pack of Camel unfiltered's and shoot up H in an alley with prostitutes from Port au Prince....daily...
New England -10 over INDY. Really? This is the line? Ok, there are more elephants (in the room) in the Lucas Oil Stadium than there are in Africa. Forget that the Dolts attempted to rat out the Pats for chicanery. Forget that these stains hung a "Finalist" banner in the same way Jared from Subway got "Not worst Pedophile" at the last Subway corporate circle jerk. Indy is in for, as the French say, a Fisting sans Lube. The last several times these teams have played the Patriots have won, decapitated the coach, and pissed in the ocular cavity of their bitch. This time it may not be so pleasant. Brady wants blood. Belichick wants blood and bone marrow. Kraft wants blood, marrow, and Jim Irsay's left nut. The Pix wants a cheese steak and a Tito's n'Tonic. It says here that all wishes will be fulfilled. Pats 54-Colts negative 6. O points on scoreboard and -6 for running out of the stadium for the first time in NFL history.
Enjoy the weekend my friends. Pix out.......
Friday, September 25, 2015
Week 3
The Pix is unavailable for his normal weekly commentary. Information remains sketchy, but TMZ has reported that he and Dorothy Hamill were remanded to an undisclosed location after a webcast incident involving a leather reclining chair.
Pats -13.5 over Jaguars. The Pix regularly indulges in a Patriot 'reverse jinx' by taking the opponent and the points. While a powerful occult ritual, DrBizzle prefers the direct approach here, and would give 70 points and a whole sideline full of ball-heating microwaves, just to take the Pats. In any case, The Pix is somewhere hogtied with figure skate laces, and won't be putting up a fuss right now. Atlanta -1.5 over the flaming heap of Cowboy aspirations. Jets -2.5 over Iggles. Bradford looks like Longfellow's girl with the curl on her forehead. And Chip Kelly looks like it's been too long since he licked Princess Leia's bikini. Pittsburgh -1.5 over St. Louis. After a stunner in Week 1, the Rams in week 2 revealed that they may in fact still be the Rams. Except when they play Seattle. Carolina -3.5 over Saints. What is happening in New Orleans? Jesus. Donkeys -3.5 over Lions. Ndamukong Suh left Detroit with a red Chevy Coupe full of defensive mojo, but it arrived empty in Miami. Mulder & Scully are interviewing Appalachian weirdos who claim they saw the mojo sucked "right outta them car" into a wormhole. Bengals +2.5 over Ravens. Ravens win by 1 but lose vs spread. Oakland +3.5 over Cleveland. If you choose Manziel to lead your team, turn to page 68...if you choose....wait, hold on, the phone's ringing Bucs +6.5 over JJ Watt and his merry band of blunt instruments. Green Bay -6.5 over KC. Colts -4.5 over Titans. A Statement Game Warning has been issued for the counties surrounding Nissan Stadium in Nashville, Tennessee. One way or the other, expect to be treated to sports anchors lathering themselves up with words like 'statement', 'prove', 'erase doubts', etc. Cardinals -6.5 over SF. Cards firing on all cylinders. The Niners' Run Forrest Run offense isn't going to cut it here. Expect catch-up downfield bombs to Anquan 'Use To Catch Downfield Bombs From Flacco' Boldin, and Torrey 'No Shit? Me Too' Smith. Bears +14.5 over Seahawks. Approximately 0% of survey respondents expect Chicago to successfully pick a booger in CenturyLink, let alone win a football game, but 14.5 is a Patriotesque spread to cover. Those don't always work out so well. Please reread pick #1 to resolve any cognitive dissonance. Fluffalo +2.5 over Miami. The Bills have a giant shoulder chip (see Jets 2009-10) which has not yet undergone radioactive decay into buffoonery and mediocrity (see Jets 2011-2014). San Diego vs Hufflepuff. One or the other, we guess. Do you care, really, outside of fantasy, and the DraftKings bikini models crawling up your legs?
To maintain continuity, DrBizzle - analogy rainman, outcomes junkie, and Muser on Important Themes - has been summoned from the crows' nest of the Galleon Pix to provide commentary.
Caveat emptor.
--------------------------------------------
OK. Before we get into spread picks and other navelgazing, we need to treat our mailbag, which has been bursting with Pats' hopes and fears after two short weeks. Accordingly, we offer
Hopes 'N' Fears: A 2015 Pats Mailbag
(Note: the And in the subtitle was shortened to 'N', to set a more playful, lighthearted tone for the remainder of this post. So that when we conjure images of, say, Roger Goodell forced to wear a cutoff Grogan jersey and suck a diarrhea frappe through a giant pink swizzle straw, it'll seem more, you know, family-friendly and stuff.)
Hope: the Pats will find someone to play tight end opposite Gronk, to bring back the 2 TE offense. Maybe a hybrid 'joker' in the Hernandez tradition. With that firmly in place and Edelman in the slot, opposing defenses will need 13 or 14 players to cover the flat, and Brady will throw for 600 yards every game. Verdict: Maybe...ish. Chandler is as big as Gronk, and creates similar red zone matchup issues. He seems to fill the role that the farseers among you had penciled in for Jake Ballard a couple years ago.
Fear: the Pats' depleted cornerback roster is a disaster waiting to happen. Verdict: Still out. Butler is making a go of living up to unfair expectations. Logan Ryan periodically expresses his right-place-right-time gene. After that...well, that's why we keep our fridges stocked with Queenos.
Hope: Dion Lewis will scratch the Darren Sproles itch that Patriot Nation has had under their short shorts for many moons. Verdict: we're too aflutter right now to render an objective opinion. The Magic 8-Ball says 'ASK AGAIN LATER'.
Fear: will Brady still be as good this year without deflated balls? Verdict: Oh, what do to with this toxic little shiv masquerading as an innocent question. You should have sent it in crayon. Do the words 'Belicheat' or 'Cheatriot' give you an endorphin release? Send you groping for the pump lotion? We can't help you, but you can help yourself.
And now to the Big Tent...
Week 3 Picks
Good Hunting,
-DrBizzle
Friday, September 18, 2015
Week 2
It's rough out there for a blogger who stopped blogging and is maybe going to try to blog again. The internets are very different in 2015 than they even were in 2012. Everyone's Facebook page or Twitter feed is a mini blog in and of themselves.....with many great HOT takes and chuckles and giggletation. So the Pix is just going to stick to the fundamentals:
1.Football
2.Hate
The Pix:
SF +6 over Pitt. We have to start with Lili Tomlin and the Steelers. Lili's whining about the headsets going wonky during a rain and electrical storm is the whiniest most pathetic cover your ass move the Pix has seen in a while. Lili fails to cover Gronk, puts 10 defenders on the field in the Red Zone, calls for a half back option that cripples their first drive and sets up his ex Jaguar kicker to begin his choke fest all on the way to losing a game when (statistically) he had the much better team. And it's the HEADSET's fault? Oh Lili, we know your seat is hotter than a fresh f*%cked fox in a forest fire, but not only were you pantsed by the GURU thursday night, Belichick even took the time to scold you Friday morning letting the world know he's had enough of witch hunts and losers with agendas/excuses.
Carolina +3 over Houston.
Yes, the Guru putting the league and media on BLAST was as refreshing as that first vessel of deliciousness after a grueling 18 holes of golf. Sometimes the Pix and friends walk long stretches of well manicured countryside swinging sticks at small white orbs until finally, blessedly, the hard labor comes to and end and deliciousness is the reward. Hard work? INDEED! Yet the Pix endures.
Detroit +3 over Minn.
Back to the Guru......after Radiogate began in earnest last Friday there were was actually a budding media frenzy surrounding the Patriots again. As surreal as it was, it came to a magnificenlty abrupt end when after months of circumspect Guru saying not a word about you know what.....Guru went full ninja. Without raising his voice or dronining, the Guru simply said ENOUGH....and the Steelers turtled, and the league turtled, and the media turtled. And the universe breathed a sigh of relief...
GB -3.5 over Seattle.
Some west coast readers expressed dismay over the lack of Sea Hag content last week, so let's talk some green highlighter....and let us begin with Sarah Palin, um, the Pix means Russell Wilson. Asked this off season what was going through his mind as he walked off the field after throwing the worst interception in the history of the NFL, Wilson replied that God spoke to him, saying, "I HAVE BIGGER PLANS FOR YOU". Let that one sink in for a moment............................................................................................................................................
Ok, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!!???!?!? Let's forget for a moment that one assumes a devout individual such as RW would invoke some humility, as presumably his boy JC would. And let's forget he's on camera asking Pete Carroll on the sideline "what happened" (not mentioning his conversation with the almighty). Let's just...well....let's see if we can incorporate Russell's strategy in a way that may benefit us!
Pulled over for speeding? "God has bigger plans for my car, officer"
Caught with Ashley Madison acct? "Honey, you may not understand, but God has bigger plans for our relationship".
Sink the Titanic? "God has bigger plans for trans Atlantic oceanic travel".
You get the point.......but that's not even the looniest thing our boy said this offseason. While addressing a congregation of his peeps, RW explained that yes, he is dating Ciara, but they are NOT having the sex.
THAT's Ciara, btw. Yup, definitley don't hit that Russell. Tell you what...if God spoke to the Pix, and the Pix was dating Ciara, something about being fruitful and multiplying may come to mind. That, a blindfold, trapeeze, a "safe" word, and, well.....you get the picture.
Arizona -2 at Chicago
NO -10 over TB
Cinci -3 over SD
Rams -3 over Washington
ATL + 3 over NY
Ravens -6 over Oak
Philly -5 over Dallas
Jets +7 over Indy
Pop Quiz....
Is the above picture:
A. Boko Haram hostages after 6 months without food and water.
B. Yeezy unveling his fashion line in NYC (the Pix was not invited)
C. The Indianapolis Colts offfensive and defensive lines.
Finally..........Buffalo +2 over Patriots.
Long time Pix reader Susannah hates it when the Pix goes against the Pats, but this is just business. And 9/10 the Guru and Brady make the Pix look like Mr. Magoo (I know you're reading).
But the Pix is genuinely petrified of the Bills this season. Their defense is beastly, the offense has playmakers everywhere, and Rex finds ways to bother Brady like no other coach. Throw in the fact that Buffalo has a home field vibe and some karma going for it that looks to be undeniable this season. So face it NE, the Bills are back and they are going to be trouble.
So sayeth the Pix. Enjoy your weekends everyone.
1.Football
2.Hate
The Pix:
SF +6 over Pitt. We have to start with Lili Tomlin and the Steelers. Lili's whining about the headsets going wonky during a rain and electrical storm is the whiniest most pathetic cover your ass move the Pix has seen in a while. Lili fails to cover Gronk, puts 10 defenders on the field in the Red Zone, calls for a half back option that cripples their first drive and sets up his ex Jaguar kicker to begin his choke fest all on the way to losing a game when (statistically) he had the much better team. And it's the HEADSET's fault? Oh Lili, we know your seat is hotter than a fresh f*%cked fox in a forest fire, but not only were you pantsed by the GURU thursday night, Belichick even took the time to scold you Friday morning letting the world know he's had enough of witch hunts and losers with agendas/excuses.
Carolina +3 over Houston.
Yes, the Guru putting the league and media on BLAST was as refreshing as that first vessel of deliciousness after a grueling 18 holes of golf. Sometimes the Pix and friends walk long stretches of well manicured countryside swinging sticks at small white orbs until finally, blessedly, the hard labor comes to and end and deliciousness is the reward. Hard work? INDEED! Yet the Pix endures.
Detroit +3 over Minn.
Back to the Guru......after Radiogate began in earnest last Friday there were was actually a budding media frenzy surrounding the Patriots again. As surreal as it was, it came to a magnificenlty abrupt end when after months of circumspect Guru saying not a word about you know what.....Guru went full ninja. Without raising his voice or dronining, the Guru simply said ENOUGH....and the Steelers turtled, and the league turtled, and the media turtled. And the universe breathed a sigh of relief...
GB -3.5 over Seattle.
Some west coast readers expressed dismay over the lack of Sea Hag content last week, so let's talk some green highlighter....and let us begin with Sarah Palin, um, the Pix means Russell Wilson. Asked this off season what was going through his mind as he walked off the field after throwing the worst interception in the history of the NFL, Wilson replied that God spoke to him, saying, "I HAVE BIGGER PLANS FOR YOU". Let that one sink in for a moment............................................................................................................................................
Ok, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!!???!?!? Let's forget for a moment that one assumes a devout individual such as RW would invoke some humility, as presumably his boy JC would. And let's forget he's on camera asking Pete Carroll on the sideline "what happened" (not mentioning his conversation with the almighty). Let's just...well....let's see if we can incorporate Russell's strategy in a way that may benefit us!
Pulled over for speeding? "God has bigger plans for my car, officer"
Caught with Ashley Madison acct? "Honey, you may not understand, but God has bigger plans for our relationship".
Sink the Titanic? "God has bigger plans for trans Atlantic oceanic travel".
You get the point.......but that's not even the looniest thing our boy said this offseason. While addressing a congregation of his peeps, RW explained that yes, he is dating Ciara, but they are NOT having the sex.
THAT's Ciara, btw. Yup, definitley don't hit that Russell. Tell you what...if God spoke to the Pix, and the Pix was dating Ciara, something about being fruitful and multiplying may come to mind. That, a blindfold, trapeeze, a "safe" word, and, well.....you get the picture.
Arizona -2 at Chicago
NO -10 over TB
Cinci -3 over SD
Rams -3 over Washington
ATL + 3 over NY
Ravens -6 over Oak
Philly -5 over Dallas
Jets +7 over Indy
Pop Quiz....
Is the above picture:
A. Boko Haram hostages after 6 months without food and water.
B. Yeezy unveling his fashion line in NYC (the Pix was not invited)
C. The Indianapolis Colts offfensive and defensive lines.
Finally..........Buffalo +2 over Patriots.
Long time Pix reader Susannah hates it when the Pix goes against the Pats, but this is just business. And 9/10 the Guru and Brady make the Pix look like Mr. Magoo (I know you're reading).
But the Pix is genuinely petrified of the Bills this season. Their defense is beastly, the offense has playmakers everywhere, and Rex finds ways to bother Brady like no other coach. Throw in the fact that Buffalo has a home field vibe and some karma going for it that looks to be undeniable this season. So face it NE, the Bills are back and they are going to be trouble.
So sayeth the Pix. Enjoy your weekends everyone.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
TONIGHT
Spygate 2.0, Deflategate, the Super Bowl, Brady's appeal and victory, Ashley Madison, Braitlyn Jenner.....the internets are truly wonderful. But out of all the most recent headlines, the Pix's favorite just may be this mad cow (Kim Davis) down in ReTucky who just got out of the can for refusing to issue marriage liscences to same sex couples. The Pix just watched the YouTube vid of this foul bird being introduced to a throng of Wal-Mart rejects by pandering bigot lardass Mike Hillbilly Huckabee. Dear Lord.....ISIS has to be thinking to themselves that if they could only over here, it wouldn't take too long to take this circus over. https://youtu.be/fR3n1d1GlsA
And please don't mistake the great Commonwealth of Kentucky for Retucky. Every state has their re zones.
The Pix:
KC +1 over Houston. Hard Knocks, for the first time in a long time, delivered this year. Between Mike Vrabel being insanely awesome and Bill O'brien delivering more FUCKS than the entire works of 2 Live Crew, the main takeaway is that the NFL now has the biggest media whore this side of Breet to celebrate. ME ME Watt has gone full blown WWE character without the wink wink side of self awareness that even pro wrestling has. ME ME Watt actually thinks he is real.
Cleveland +3 over Jets. Ok, this is weird.....the Pix doesn't just can't get worked up for the Jets anymore. They are just a team grossly overpaying aging defensive stars in a sad attempt to remain relevant in their own city. Too Bad, so sad...yawn.
Miami -4 at Washington. One of the hardest things in coming back to writing the Pix after the layoff is that every topic has been HOT TAKED to death. How would it be possible at this point to say something original about RG3 or how much of an evil dwarf Dan Snyder seems to be?
Jacksonville +4 over Carolina. Despite Carolina's legit defense, The Panthers' achilles heel seems to be, surprisingly, Cam Newton. The Pix could be wrong, but it just seems Cam can't put two seasons in a row together. This is the Pix upset special of the week. Because, please, the Jaguars......
Arizona -2 over New Orleans. Wow, this is a pretty crappy week of football.
Tennessee +3 over TB. See above. Allow the Pix to be the first to declare Rapist Winston's career a bust. And the Bucs deserve nothing less. They did their due diligence and still decided to draft this poor excuse for a human #1 overall. More on the Rapist in future posts.
Dallas -6 over Giants. It says here the Cowboys play in the NFC championship game. That's all. And, um, fuck the Giants and hypocrite hall of fame DB Wellington Mara.
Baltimore +5 at the Donkeys. Ahhhhh.....the "root for injuries"game. In the event ISIS doesn't take both teams hostage and light them on fire in cages before the game, the Pix will sit back, relax, and root for both teams trainers to pull hammies running on and off the field. Peyton's chicken neck and noodle arm have been as feeble in the pre-season as they looked last year in the playoffs.
Oakland +4 over Cincy
Bolts -3 over Lions
Philly -3 over Atlanta. PIX LOCK OF THE WEEK
Vikings -2 over SF.
Buffalo +3 over Indy. You know the kid on your u12 football team who is faster than hell and hits pretty good (until it's against someone his own size) and then takes his first good shot and turtles for the rest of the season? And then you get the email from his parents about how concerned they are about, um, everything? That's the Colts, and that's their pussy weasel ownership/management. And it's been going on for the better part of two decades now. At least the kid can find soccer.....
And finally..............Patriots -21 over Steelers. Seriously.........where to start? When your team wins the Super Bowl (not the mention their DYNASTIC 4th with the same QB/Coach) your reward as a fan is the offseason. As a fan, you invest massive amounts of time and emotion into a form of entertainment that has a very low probability of having a successfull outcome. So when your team overcomes extremely long odds.......and WINS, there's as much relief as there is exhilaration. To make matters worse, the window to celebrate is relatively short, Feb-August, because then the paranoia and anxiety you have as a fan (admittedly an insane one) begins all over again. And that's OK, it's the business we have chosen, it comes with the territory.
But when ESPN and the NFL spends OUR ENTIRE offseason doing their damn well best to deprive us Patriots fans of our deserved payoff from our investment......yeah, it becomes personal. Really personal. It is now beyond reasonable doubt that the owners (and fans) of organizations like the Jets, Colts, Ravens (oh, fuck, everybody) have joined with the media of those cities and ESPN and the NFL to paint the Patriots as an organization unworthy of their success. It's the ultimate insult, and they have pursued this storyline with blatant lies. And moe lies, and then lies to cover up their lies. To try and detail the level and amount of bull shit that has been thrown in the direction of New England would take weeks, or months, or years. So if you started off reading the Pix thinking to yourself that "this is some pretty weak sauce from the Pix....considering....", don't worry. We here at Pix nation are just getting started.
And it begins tonight. Brady gets to answer tonight. Belichick gets to answer tonight. The New England Patriots get to unfurl the FLAG and 70,000 Mass holes who have been drinking all day and listening to sports radio for the last five months get to answer TONIGHT. Months of sitting in traffic on the way to the mountains or the Cape listening to turncoat pussies like Felger and Mazz talk about how Brady was GENERALLY AWARE or that Ted fucking Wells was "independent" stops TONIGHT. Months of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune ends TONIGHT. Thousands of hours or droning and crying by the electronic army of past Patriot vanquishment comes to an end TONIGHT. TONIGHT we fucking roll. At approximately 8:15 the Pix will step away from the television and onto the back porch of 1 Pix Place so that The Pix can hear the roar from Foxboro (45.4 miles away) and join the chorus of unjustly accused and maligned Patriot fans shouting our defiance. And ESPN and Roger Goodell and his fellow co conspiritors will hear us. And they should weep and tremble and beg for mercy. Because now the dialogue will be controlled not by the media, but by the players. By the Patriots. By BRADY, THE GURU AND GRONK.
As Mr. Kraft said on the Super Bowl podium back in 2001, "Tonight, we are ALL Patriots".
Let the games begin indeed......
And please don't mistake the great Commonwealth of Kentucky for Retucky. Every state has their re zones.
The Pix:
KC +1 over Houston. Hard Knocks, for the first time in a long time, delivered this year. Between Mike Vrabel being insanely awesome and Bill O'brien delivering more FUCKS than the entire works of 2 Live Crew, the main takeaway is that the NFL now has the biggest media whore this side of Breet to celebrate. ME ME Watt has gone full blown WWE character without the wink wink side of self awareness that even pro wrestling has. ME ME Watt actually thinks he is real.
Cleveland +3 over Jets. Ok, this is weird.....the Pix doesn't just can't get worked up for the Jets anymore. They are just a team grossly overpaying aging defensive stars in a sad attempt to remain relevant in their own city. Too Bad, so sad...yawn.
Miami -4 at Washington. One of the hardest things in coming back to writing the Pix after the layoff is that every topic has been HOT TAKED to death. How would it be possible at this point to say something original about RG3 or how much of an evil dwarf Dan Snyder seems to be?
Jacksonville +4 over Carolina. Despite Carolina's legit defense, The Panthers' achilles heel seems to be, surprisingly, Cam Newton. The Pix could be wrong, but it just seems Cam can't put two seasons in a row together. This is the Pix upset special of the week. Because, please, the Jaguars......
Arizona -2 over New Orleans. Wow, this is a pretty crappy week of football.
Tennessee +3 over TB. See above. Allow the Pix to be the first to declare Rapist Winston's career a bust. And the Bucs deserve nothing less. They did their due diligence and still decided to draft this poor excuse for a human #1 overall. More on the Rapist in future posts.
Dallas -6 over Giants. It says here the Cowboys play in the NFC championship game. That's all. And, um, fuck the Giants and hypocrite hall of fame DB Wellington Mara.
Baltimore +5 at the Donkeys. Ahhhhh.....the "root for injuries"game. In the event ISIS doesn't take both teams hostage and light them on fire in cages before the game, the Pix will sit back, relax, and root for both teams trainers to pull hammies running on and off the field. Peyton's chicken neck and noodle arm have been as feeble in the pre-season as they looked last year in the playoffs.
Oakland +4 over Cincy
Bolts -3 over Lions
Philly -3 over Atlanta. PIX LOCK OF THE WEEK
Vikings -2 over SF.
Buffalo +3 over Indy. You know the kid on your u12 football team who is faster than hell and hits pretty good (until it's against someone his own size) and then takes his first good shot and turtles for the rest of the season? And then you get the email from his parents about how concerned they are about, um, everything? That's the Colts, and that's their pussy weasel ownership/management. And it's been going on for the better part of two decades now. At least the kid can find soccer.....
And finally..............Patriots -21 over Steelers. Seriously.........where to start? When your team wins the Super Bowl (not the mention their DYNASTIC 4th with the same QB/Coach) your reward as a fan is the offseason. As a fan, you invest massive amounts of time and emotion into a form of entertainment that has a very low probability of having a successfull outcome. So when your team overcomes extremely long odds.......and WINS, there's as much relief as there is exhilaration. To make matters worse, the window to celebrate is relatively short, Feb-August, because then the paranoia and anxiety you have as a fan (admittedly an insane one) begins all over again. And that's OK, it's the business we have chosen, it comes with the territory.
But when ESPN and the NFL spends OUR ENTIRE offseason doing their damn well best to deprive us Patriots fans of our deserved payoff from our investment......yeah, it becomes personal. Really personal. It is now beyond reasonable doubt that the owners (and fans) of organizations like the Jets, Colts, Ravens (oh, fuck, everybody) have joined with the media of those cities and ESPN and the NFL to paint the Patriots as an organization unworthy of their success. It's the ultimate insult, and they have pursued this storyline with blatant lies. And moe lies, and then lies to cover up their lies. To try and detail the level and amount of bull shit that has been thrown in the direction of New England would take weeks, or months, or years. So if you started off reading the Pix thinking to yourself that "this is some pretty weak sauce from the Pix....considering....", don't worry. We here at Pix nation are just getting started.
And it begins tonight. Brady gets to answer tonight. Belichick gets to answer tonight. The New England Patriots get to unfurl the FLAG and 70,000 Mass holes who have been drinking all day and listening to sports radio for the last five months get to answer TONIGHT. Months of sitting in traffic on the way to the mountains or the Cape listening to turncoat pussies like Felger and Mazz talk about how Brady was GENERALLY AWARE or that Ted fucking Wells was "independent" stops TONIGHT. Months of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune ends TONIGHT. Thousands of hours or droning and crying by the electronic army of past Patriot vanquishment comes to an end TONIGHT. TONIGHT we fucking roll. At approximately 8:15 the Pix will step away from the television and onto the back porch of 1 Pix Place so that The Pix can hear the roar from Foxboro (45.4 miles away) and join the chorus of unjustly accused and maligned Patriot fans shouting our defiance. And ESPN and Roger Goodell and his fellow co conspiritors will hear us. And they should weep and tremble and beg for mercy. Because now the dialogue will be controlled not by the media, but by the players. By the Patriots. By BRADY, THE GURU AND GRONK.
As Mr. Kraft said on the Super Bowl podium back in 2001, "Tonight, we are ALL Patriots".
Let the games begin indeed......
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Inflate the Pix
Marblehead Mass: 5-6-15. 6:39 pm. After 2 years of tense negotiations, The Pix is now able to report that the Pix has signed the Pix to a 1 year contract. Effective immediately.....
Let's state the obvious. The Pix has missed you all. Missed the week to week opining on all things NFL. While the Pix was away, it was indeed nice to know that the more things change the more they stay the same. The Ravens love to smoke weed and beat women, The Donkeys love to smoke weed and make excuses for their noodle armed playoff choker, the Jets are the Jets, and the 31 teams not owned by Robert Kraft will spend more time whining about the greatness of the Patriots than they will tending to their own business.
And that's all fine and good with the Pix. Now that the Guru has led the Pats to his fourth championship, now that Brady has established himself atop the Pantheon of all QB's, and now that the franchise in general can lay claim to being the greatest organization in the most popular and competitive sport in America......bring on the haters. And as of today they are coming big time, with torches lit, the tar warming up and the feathers at the ready. So the Pix is returning starting in September with our weekly prognostications and observations. For now, just so the Pix can shake off the cobwebs, lets get into Deflategate. The Pix doesn't want to get too deep into the Wells report, but let's just take the operative phrase, "It's more likely than not" and take it for a little walk....Pix style....
Baltimore Ravens: It's more likely than not that you should probably keep your mouths shut. You lose your top running back due to the most public example of battery in the history of video, your top defender poured acid on his baby mama and dragged her by her hair down the street while he drove, and your head coach evidently doesn't know the rules of the game. It's more likely than not that the citizens of your lovely city, with their looting and rioting are just getting ready for their next Ravens tail gate. You blew 14 pt leads TWICE to the Guru and your excuse was trickeration? It's more likely than not that you will go 8-8 with the rest of your mediocre division. Wicked sorry.
New York Jets: It's more likely than not that the Pix will miss Rex Ryan with gang green. While the Pix was away, your quarterback tried to shove the ball up his guards ass and somehow the Patriots ended up with 6 points. The Pats then traded a 69th round pick for your former franchise player and added another Lombardi trophy. That's like Brady stealing your bird, making an awesome porno with her, selling it to Vivid for 10 million and giving the bird back. You can have her, I think we are all done here. It's more likely than not that you will go 6-10 and Revis sprains his uvula. (that's not what you think it is).
Seattle Seahawks: Aren't they cute? While the Pix was away Pete Carroll and his merry band of adderrall addicts snuck in a Super Bowl win and kept the Lombardi warm for a year. It's more likely than not that salary cap reality kicks in when you have to sign Wilson to a real contract. It's also more likely than not that your first round draft pick who was kicked out of Michigan for that rare football crime of.......beating the shit out of a woman......runs afoul of the law again. But maybe Marshawn Lynch, he of the domestic assault, DWI, hit and run, and felony gun charge can straighten the youngster out. It's more than likely, however, that, um, no. Just no.
Denver Donkeys: It's more than likely that Peyton breaks all of Breet's records, goes 14-2 in the regular season, gets blown by Peter King live at halftime, gets blown by Pheel Seems during the Kia motors post game Manning Worship show, and then blames an injury nobody had prior knowledge of after he noodle arms his way to another epic playoff choke.
As for Ted Wells and the rest of the NFL stooges, it's more likely than not that the Patriot's decade of domination has created such a state of league wide jealousy that most NFL participants would accuse the Pats of kidnapping the Lindberg baby if they saw a plane fly overhead. Suspend Brady? For what, being too awesome? It's more likely than not that the Pix' head explodes before this deflate gate bullshit is through. The Pix will wait for Roger Goodell to piss down his pants and punish the Pats once the court of public opinion (everyone's ass the Pats religiously kick) weighs in. Maybe they can send NE to the CFL for a season.....don't think the Colts haven't suggested it.
Either way, the Pix is back. The season can't start soon enough. Bring on the haters...
**follow the Pix on twitter @thepixs as the Pix attempts to make up for lost time. The Pix came close to calling Bill Plaschke a douche bag today. Good times.
Your turn Roger......
Let's state the obvious. The Pix has missed you all. Missed the week to week opining on all things NFL. While the Pix was away, it was indeed nice to know that the more things change the more they stay the same. The Ravens love to smoke weed and beat women, The Donkeys love to smoke weed and make excuses for their noodle armed playoff choker, the Jets are the Jets, and the 31 teams not owned by Robert Kraft will spend more time whining about the greatness of the Patriots than they will tending to their own business.
And that's all fine and good with the Pix. Now that the Guru has led the Pats to his fourth championship, now that Brady has established himself atop the Pantheon of all QB's, and now that the franchise in general can lay claim to being the greatest organization in the most popular and competitive sport in America......bring on the haters. And as of today they are coming big time, with torches lit, the tar warming up and the feathers at the ready. So the Pix is returning starting in September with our weekly prognostications and observations. For now, just so the Pix can shake off the cobwebs, lets get into Deflategate. The Pix doesn't want to get too deep into the Wells report, but let's just take the operative phrase, "It's more likely than not" and take it for a little walk....Pix style....
Baltimore Ravens: It's more likely than not that you should probably keep your mouths shut. You lose your top running back due to the most public example of battery in the history of video, your top defender poured acid on his baby mama and dragged her by her hair down the street while he drove, and your head coach evidently doesn't know the rules of the game. It's more likely than not that the citizens of your lovely city, with their looting and rioting are just getting ready for their next Ravens tail gate. You blew 14 pt leads TWICE to the Guru and your excuse was trickeration? It's more likely than not that you will go 8-8 with the rest of your mediocre division. Wicked sorry.
New York Jets: It's more likely than not that the Pix will miss Rex Ryan with gang green. While the Pix was away, your quarterback tried to shove the ball up his guards ass and somehow the Patriots ended up with 6 points. The Pats then traded a 69th round pick for your former franchise player and added another Lombardi trophy. That's like Brady stealing your bird, making an awesome porno with her, selling it to Vivid for 10 million and giving the bird back. You can have her, I think we are all done here. It's more likely than not that you will go 6-10 and Revis sprains his uvula. (that's not what you think it is).
Seattle Seahawks: Aren't they cute? While the Pix was away Pete Carroll and his merry band of adderrall addicts snuck in a Super Bowl win and kept the Lombardi warm for a year. It's more likely than not that salary cap reality kicks in when you have to sign Wilson to a real contract. It's also more likely than not that your first round draft pick who was kicked out of Michigan for that rare football crime of.......beating the shit out of a woman......runs afoul of the law again. But maybe Marshawn Lynch, he of the domestic assault, DWI, hit and run, and felony gun charge can straighten the youngster out. It's more than likely, however, that, um, no. Just no.
Denver Donkeys: It's more than likely that Peyton breaks all of Breet's records, goes 14-2 in the regular season, gets blown by Peter King live at halftime, gets blown by Pheel Seems during the Kia motors post game Manning Worship show, and then blames an injury nobody had prior knowledge of after he noodle arms his way to another epic playoff choke.
As for Ted Wells and the rest of the NFL stooges, it's more likely than not that the Patriot's decade of domination has created such a state of league wide jealousy that most NFL participants would accuse the Pats of kidnapping the Lindberg baby if they saw a plane fly overhead. Suspend Brady? For what, being too awesome? It's more likely than not that the Pix' head explodes before this deflate gate bullshit is through. The Pix will wait for Roger Goodell to piss down his pants and punish the Pats once the court of public opinion (everyone's ass the Pats religiously kick) weighs in. Maybe they can send NE to the CFL for a season.....don't think the Colts haven't suggested it.
Either way, the Pix is back. The season can't start soon enough. Bring on the haters...
**follow the Pix on twitter @thepixs as the Pix attempts to make up for lost time. The Pix came close to calling Bill Plaschke a douche bag today. Good times.
Your turn Roger......
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