Normally the Pix restricts his television viewing to ESPN, the Food network and the History channel. The Pix loves sports, food and watching Hitler go down. Not neccesarily in that order. The Pix also loves HBO and mostly all of the series they have created over the past decade. The Sopranos, Deadwood, Rome, Curb your Enthusiasm, Trueblood and several others (especially Dexter on Showtime). Occasionally, the Pix will peruse some of the "late night" programming by accident. The phenomena that is free and readily available adult programming is really quite something when you consider. The Pix' generation may have missed out on the "free love" hippy and drug fun of the 60's and 70's and the "everyone make sex tape and post it on the internet" thing of this past decade. The Pix' generation was even hazed by the advent of AIDS and, pardon the pun, the explosion in mandatory condom usage. What we can't complain about, however, is the proliferation of free and diverse smut. The Pix won't even go into the role of the internets. What strikes the Pix the most from the standpoint of comedy and late night viewing is the wonderful titles given to the movies that appear on the "on demand" menu. What strikes the Pix as considerably less hilarious is the fact that Comcast shows the actual titles on the bill (according to acquaintences of the Pix). The following are a sample of some of these comical and occasionally unfortunate titles:
A Clear and Present Stranger
Titty Clitty Gang Bang
Saving Ryan's Privates
Bumfight at the Ogay Corrall
Diddler on the Roof
Ed's Wood
Field of Wet Dreams
For your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
I Know Who you Did Last Summer (not to be confused with I Know Who You Did in the Bummer)
Inspect Her Gadget
Jurassic Poke
Lawrence of a Labia
Man on the Poon
My Big Fat Greek Woody
On Golden Blonde
Riding in Cars on Boys
Romancing the Bone
Schindler's Fist.........(that's wrong)
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Sorest Rump
Sperms of Endearment
Tango and Snatch
The Empire Likes Crack
The Loin King
The Wadfather
White Men Can't Hump
Will He Bonk Ya in the Chocolate Factory
Humped back at Notre Dame
My Bare Lady
Ass Ventura
Mchale's Gravy
Sleeping Booty
The Rawshank Infection
What about Boob
And in the spirit of the post from three weeks ago, "You've Got Male"
Which brings the PIx to the title of this post. Of all the spoofs done in the adult film industry, how in THE HELL could they not make one about "I Dream of Jeannie". Starring Larry Hagman and the intergallactally hot Barbara Eden, the premise of the show is that a single dude in his thirties somehow wins the services of a young, hot, magical she beast. Did I mention that she is for all intents and purposes his slave? And oh, by the way, she has to bolt to her bottle if he commands her to. (By the way, remember the bottle? Go Google it. Talk about a "stabbin cabin") In other words, she'll do anything in the world he asks.....cook, clean, make home made beer, get naked etc...and then she has to dissappear the moment he gets annoyed because she gets a little chatty. Um, HELLO porn industry? Think there's enough material here that would be better than, say, "Maude?" And, really, silicone valley, no "Mary Tyler Whore?" C'mon, she was a single bird in the sexual prime of her life, worked in an all male newsroom, and socialized with those two sluts Phyllis (the first cougar) and Rhoda. Which brings us to our next list, titles of real movies or tv shows that could have been porn names:
Toy Story
Backdraft
Anywhere But Here
The Bone Collector
Gone in 60 Seconds
Any Which Way You Can
Howard's End
The Black Stallion
Three Men and a Little Lady
Shaft
Driven
Three's Company
Laverne and Shirley
The Waltons (you people are sick)
Ok, back to some "real" movie names:
Womb Raider
Batman in Robin
Throbbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)
Star Whores
Spankenstein
Swallow Hal
Fifty first Rapes (Drew Barrymore was really good in this)
Bang Hur
Blast From the Pants
Bone of Arc
Breast Side Story
Caddy Shag
Cockodile Dundee
Das Bootie
Dawson's Crack
ET...the Extra Testicle
Erin Yankyourdick
Eyes Wide Slut
Face Jam
Fast and Curious
Fill Bill
Fisting Nemo
Fist Full of Hollers
Gays of Thunder
Gleaming the Pube
Gods and Genitals
Hairy Porker and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin
Harry Pooper and the Sorcerers Bone
How to Bruise a Guy in Ten Ways
Lord of the G Strings: Dildo Saggins, the Throbbit
Lust in Space
Monty's Python and the Horny Gail
Poonstruck
Poke-a-hot-Ass
Position Imposssible
Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's Sister
Scooby Do Me
Sheepless in Seattle
Tea Bagger Vance
The Bare Bitch Project
The Brady Munch
The Count of Monte Crisco
The Legend in Bagger's Pants
The Princesses Ride
Tits a Wonderful Life
Tupac: The Erection
Titty Slickers
Turner and Hootchie
Wangs of New York
Where the Boys Aren't
While You Were Sleeping With Me
When Harry Wet Sally
What does this all have to do with football, you ask? Nothing. The Pix:
Last week, 9-6-1. Season total 19-11-1.
Tennessee +4 over Jets. The Pix is getting a little annoyed with the yapping Jets and their fat gas bag coach. A 3-0 start would have Peter King break out the knee pads for dirty Sanchez. Here's hoping the Titans can prevent that.
Packers -6 over Rams.
Lions +7 over Redskins.
Chiefs +8 over Eagles. The Chiefs are 0-2 against the spread this year. Me thinks the association whith the Patriots (Scott Pioli, Vrabel, Cassell) has Vegas overrating them. This week will be the last chance for the Chiefs to proove they deserve it.
Patriots -4 over Falcons. Let's face it, in his last three football games in the NFL, Brady has been the worst player on the team. He was missing guys last week like his name was Jamarcus. The Giants scheme from the game that shall not be mentioned is doing to the Pats what our scheme from the '01 Superbowl did to the Rams. It showed the rest of the league how to beat them. The Pats are officially on Pix' probation if they lose this week.
Houston -3 over Jacksonville. Have the Jags relocated yet?
Niners +7 over Viqueens. Here's the good news: the Niners defense gets after the quarterback. Breet took some hits last week from the Lions and the Pix is hoping this is the Week Breet winds up on his back more often than Jenna Jamison.
Ravens -13 over Browns. Do you know how hard it is to lay 13 points in the NFL? This is basically saying that the Browns are not a pro team. The Mangini watch begins in roughly two more weeks.
Giants -6.5 over Bucs.
Saints -6 over Bills. Drew Brees is KILLING it in Fantasy.
Bears -2 over Seahawks. Lock of the year.
Pitt -4 over Cincy. Lock of the century.
Miami +6 over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better not get his ass in the end zone this week. The Pix is starting Lendale White and Larry Johnson over him in fantasy football. Let's just say the Pix needs a win this week or he might get dropped from the league due to a possible mercy ruling.
Broncos -1 over Raiders.
Colts +3 over Cardinals. Really? That's the line? Lock of the millenium.
Cowboys -8 over Panthers.
That is all for the Pix this week. For those keeping score at home, last week's answer re the fake story was the last one. Since NO ONE replied in the comments section despite something like 300 (and over 100 new) readers last week, the Pix will attempt to engage the reading public again. Please share a movie title that the Pix missed above. All valid answers will recieve I unit of liquid intoxicant and a public shout out from the Pix.
Enjoy the weekend and watch that cable bill.......Pix out.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
The AWAY game
One might assume that, this being primarily a football blog, away game would refer to a football team going on the road. However, as the Pix ages, things like a simple bowel movement take on much more significance. Gone are the days of ghost shits (perfect logs that disappear without the need for even a single sheet) and time on the bowl without a 2 year old walking in and asking whatever it is that a two year old asks. These days, laying cable, stocking the pond with brown trout, dropping the Jacksons off at the pool...can occasionally become an adventure. This is in no small part because the internal "warning system" we are all born with begins to break down as one ages. When the Pix was a younger man, there would usually be a simple warning with a thirty minute window left to operate. Invariably, this would leave enough time on the clock to get home, find the office hopper with the friendliest confines, or seek out some reasonable place to take care of business. No problem. The "warning system", however, along with a general decline in diet, began to fail some years back and, unfortunately for the Pix (and the Wal Mart on the Lynnway) has on rare occasions failed to work altogether. When the short to no warning sign comes, one must find an immediate venue for a suitable "away" game. A Port-o-John, the ocean, a restaurant or gas station, the airport, the ladies room (i.e the secret mission in enemy territory), all of these places have and must be used in emergencies. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. In the spirit of growing older and away games becoming more and more dicey, the Pix will choose all road teams this week.......and share some stories. All stories are true and happened to people who are known readers of the Pix. The identities will be kept secret until you see the Pix and bribe him with a can of deliciousness.....then I'll tell you. The Pix: Last week 10-5, for entertainment purposes only. And, um, gambling.
Houston at Titans -6. The first story comes from Mr. Vegas. Mr. Vegas is lactose intolerant and could be the subject of this entire blog post. One time on the way to Old Town from Boston, Mr. Vegas had a situation that as he describes it, "called for immediate attention". MV's warning system may be one of the faultiest on the planet and went off somewhere in the Callahan tunnel. The combination of bad traffic, car fumes and stomach cramps that would make a woman in labor relate forced MV to rush into the 99 restaurant in Revere and sprint to the men's room for relief. To his horror, the single stall was occupado. The following conversation ensued:
MV: "Um, buddy, how much longer are you going to be"
Random shitter: "Um, I just started"
MV: "Seriously, dude, I need to go now".
RS: "I'm going to be 'a while'".
Never in the history of man have the two words, "a while", had such dire consequences. In retrospect, Mr. Vegas had no choice but to go to enemy territory for the secret mission, but this he did not do. Yes, getting busted in the ladies room buffaloing the bowl may seem suboptimal, but MV's choice to roll the dice ended badly. Driving 70 miles an hour through three towns and getting safely to his front door wasn't enough. We all know that feeling you get when you think you've "made it". Mr. Vegas gambled. And lost. While putting his key in the front door.
Saints at Eagles -1. This heart warming tale comes from Colby college. It seems there was a mythical beast who went by the moniker "YUG" who was notorious for beating on freshmen football players and fraternity pledges. He was a giant boy with an evil temper and a penchant for keg beer and Chinese food. One particularly unfortunate evening, "YUG got his drink and eat on in a Herculean way. As the story goes, "YUG" got a late warning call and tried to reach the dorm facility in time. Alas, it was too late. Being the gentle soul that he was, he demanded two freshmen pledges assist him off the hopper he was stuck on and to dispose of his badly soiled undergarments. These quick thinking gentlemen threw YUG's bvd's out a third story dorm bathroom window onto the quad, landing in a much traveled walkway leading to the campus' main classroom facility. Unfortunately for YUG, his mother must have worried about her little boy losing his drawers, because she sewed his name into the back of them. Unsurprisingly, YUG got himself a new nickname that fine day.
Bengals +9 at Packers. As most readers know, The Pix went to Green Bay last year to witness football Mecca firsthand. What the readers don't know, is that the Pix had a "code brown" in the Fleet Farm (think walmart for hunters) that rivaled the Cuban missile crisis. After a steady 48 hour diet of bacon, eggs, beer, steak, french fries etc...the Pix was trying desperately to move some product at the hunting lodge before the troops headed out for the day. No dice. Fully aware of the dangerous situation, the Pix was on the lookout for any public facility that could be employed in an emergency. While wandering the isles of Fleet Farm, the call came. Code brown. Def con 5. No warning. 30 seconds at most until a nuclear event. The Pix grabbed the nearest employee (a 105 lb, 17 year old girl) and pleaded for information regarding an employee rest room. Shocked and alarmed at the look on the Pix' face, the following conversation ensued:
girl: "I,I,I,I,I'm ssssssorry sir, but, but, but there's a men's room at isle 12".
Pix: "WHERE IN THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY IS ISLE 12??!?!??!?!"
The Pix began to sprint, knocking over old people, carriages, workers and a rack of hunter orange Packer jerseys. In what only could be described as perhaps the biggest break in the life of the Pix, the men's room was clean and completely empty. After literally replaying the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" (the one where Lloyd puts turbo-lax in his buddies drink), the Pix emerged a new man. To this day, for many reasons, the greatest away game in the life of the Pix.
Oakland at KC -3.
Arizona at Jax -3
Minn -9 at Detroit.
Carolina at ATL -6. Another classic from the class of '89 at Colby College. There once was a man named "filthy Jerg". Strangely, the nickname actually pre-dates this story. It goes something like this....some dude gets engaged and the Jerg and his boys are invited to the couples' house for a boys weekend. The fiancee is out of town and has left instructions for the house to remain immaculate while she is away. You can probably tell where this is going. The animals play beer dye on her aunt's antique dining room table (probably the only item of any worth in the house) and the Jerg proceeds to drink himself into a stupor. He wakes up in the middle of the night on the bathroom floor not knowing where he is, but aware that he has puked and shat himself. He disrobes, but the stench of his own vile liquids overwhelm him and he proceeds to repeat heaving and crapping. In a twisted moment of Jerg logic, he decides he'll try to clean up this crime scene using the bath towels and bath mat. Extrapolating Jerg logic, he then decides he can't just put this stuff in the trash, so he grabs a shovel from the garage and buries his refuse in the middle of the back yard. The following conversation ensues:
Friend: "Jerg, why are you holding that shovel?"
Jerg: "Um, no reason."
Friend: "Dude, did you just bury our towels and bathmat in the back yard?"
Jerg: "Um, no."
Rams at Redskins -9. Sorry to get off topic, but the sound of Paula Deen's voice makes me want to kill someone. And that someone, is Paula Deen.
Tampa Bay at Buffalo -6. Go and google "George Brett shits himself". Just do it. Don't ever say the Pix never gave you anything.
Seattle at 49ers -1. Welcome back.
Baltimore at Chargers -3.
Browns at Denver -3.
Steelers at Bears +3.
Colts at Miami +3
Giants at Cowboys -3. It's 1994. A good friend of the Pix, let's call him Dirty, is one of the groomsmen at wedding somewhere in the South. There is a bridesmaid there who is way out of his league in the looks department, but when Dirty is on his game, he's been known to pull off some major upsets. It's evident right from the start of the weekend that Dirty has his A+ game going. All the jokes are landing, he's managing his buzz perfectly and he's now headed into the wedding reception at 2-1 odds to hook up with the hottest chick in the building. There's just one problem. He's neglected to manage his "away game" effectively. He's been partying for three days and has yet to successfully duke. He lets this slip his mind as he goes in for close at the end of the night. Somehow he manages to arrive at his room with the young lass when he gets the warning. Rumble, rumble. No time. Must go. While his girl waits for him, he proceeds to violate the bathroom in a manner against most international laws and certainly all moral ones. He thinks about the courtesy flush, but decides against it as it may serve as a warning to something going awry in the Sowetan ghetto he has just created. He breaks out into a full lather as he considers his options. As he leaves the crime scene, the girl arises from the bed and announces she wants to brush her teeth. The following conversation ensues:
Dirty: "You CAN'T go in there!" (a little too loudly)
Hottie: "what?"
Dirty: "Um, he, he, I, a, just, I'd just give it a little time, OK?"
Hottie: "Don't worry, I have three brothers. It can't be that bad".
Dirty: "No, Really, I'm warning you."
Hottie turns the corner and steps one foot inside bathroom. Dirty can't watch.
Hottie: "OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE? THAT'S H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH MY GOD! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TURN THE FAN ON!"
Dirty: "I really don't think it would have mattered."
You get the picture. Amazingly, she stayed, but they both passed out while waiting for the air to clear. She was gone when he woke up.
Which brings us to....
Patriots 31, Jets 17. The Guru prepares for away games better than any coach in the NFL. He has beaten the Jets 7 consecutive times in the Meadow lands. Gas bag and Dirty Sanchez will get flushed this Sunday and the miserable stench that is 60,000 Jet fans will never clear.
By the way, one of these stories was completely fabricated. Go to comments section. Correct answers will recieve a can of deliciousness and/or a kick to the scrotalia.
Enjoy the weekend. Pix out.
Houston at Titans -6. The first story comes from Mr. Vegas. Mr. Vegas is lactose intolerant and could be the subject of this entire blog post. One time on the way to Old Town from Boston, Mr. Vegas had a situation that as he describes it, "called for immediate attention". MV's warning system may be one of the faultiest on the planet and went off somewhere in the Callahan tunnel. The combination of bad traffic, car fumes and stomach cramps that would make a woman in labor relate forced MV to rush into the 99 restaurant in Revere and sprint to the men's room for relief. To his horror, the single stall was occupado. The following conversation ensued:
MV: "Um, buddy, how much longer are you going to be"
Random shitter: "Um, I just started"
MV: "Seriously, dude, I need to go now".
RS: "I'm going to be 'a while'".
Never in the history of man have the two words, "a while", had such dire consequences. In retrospect, Mr. Vegas had no choice but to go to enemy territory for the secret mission, but this he did not do. Yes, getting busted in the ladies room buffaloing the bowl may seem suboptimal, but MV's choice to roll the dice ended badly. Driving 70 miles an hour through three towns and getting safely to his front door wasn't enough. We all know that feeling you get when you think you've "made it". Mr. Vegas gambled. And lost. While putting his key in the front door.
Saints at Eagles -1. This heart warming tale comes from Colby college. It seems there was a mythical beast who went by the moniker "YUG" who was notorious for beating on freshmen football players and fraternity pledges. He was a giant boy with an evil temper and a penchant for keg beer and Chinese food. One particularly unfortunate evening, "YUG got his drink and eat on in a Herculean way. As the story goes, "YUG" got a late warning call and tried to reach the dorm facility in time. Alas, it was too late. Being the gentle soul that he was, he demanded two freshmen pledges assist him off the hopper he was stuck on and to dispose of his badly soiled undergarments. These quick thinking gentlemen threw YUG's bvd's out a third story dorm bathroom window onto the quad, landing in a much traveled walkway leading to the campus' main classroom facility. Unfortunately for YUG, his mother must have worried about her little boy losing his drawers, because she sewed his name into the back of them. Unsurprisingly, YUG got himself a new nickname that fine day.
Bengals +9 at Packers. As most readers know, The Pix went to Green Bay last year to witness football Mecca firsthand. What the readers don't know, is that the Pix had a "code brown" in the Fleet Farm (think walmart for hunters) that rivaled the Cuban missile crisis. After a steady 48 hour diet of bacon, eggs, beer, steak, french fries etc...the Pix was trying desperately to move some product at the hunting lodge before the troops headed out for the day. No dice. Fully aware of the dangerous situation, the Pix was on the lookout for any public facility that could be employed in an emergency. While wandering the isles of Fleet Farm, the call came. Code brown. Def con 5. No warning. 30 seconds at most until a nuclear event. The Pix grabbed the nearest employee (a 105 lb, 17 year old girl) and pleaded for information regarding an employee rest room. Shocked and alarmed at the look on the Pix' face, the following conversation ensued:
girl: "I,I,I,I,I'm ssssssorry sir, but, but, but there's a men's room at isle 12".
Pix: "WHERE IN THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY IS ISLE 12??!?!??!?!"
The Pix began to sprint, knocking over old people, carriages, workers and a rack of hunter orange Packer jerseys. In what only could be described as perhaps the biggest break in the life of the Pix, the men's room was clean and completely empty. After literally replaying the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" (the one where Lloyd puts turbo-lax in his buddies drink), the Pix emerged a new man. To this day, for many reasons, the greatest away game in the life of the Pix.
Oakland at KC -3.
Arizona at Jax -3
Minn -9 at Detroit.
Carolina at ATL -6. Another classic from the class of '89 at Colby College. There once was a man named "filthy Jerg". Strangely, the nickname actually pre-dates this story. It goes something like this....some dude gets engaged and the Jerg and his boys are invited to the couples' house for a boys weekend. The fiancee is out of town and has left instructions for the house to remain immaculate while she is away. You can probably tell where this is going. The animals play beer dye on her aunt's antique dining room table (probably the only item of any worth in the house) and the Jerg proceeds to drink himself into a stupor. He wakes up in the middle of the night on the bathroom floor not knowing where he is, but aware that he has puked and shat himself. He disrobes, but the stench of his own vile liquids overwhelm him and he proceeds to repeat heaving and crapping. In a twisted moment of Jerg logic, he decides he'll try to clean up this crime scene using the bath towels and bath mat. Extrapolating Jerg logic, he then decides he can't just put this stuff in the trash, so he grabs a shovel from the garage and buries his refuse in the middle of the back yard. The following conversation ensues:
Friend: "Jerg, why are you holding that shovel?"
Jerg: "Um, no reason."
Friend: "Dude, did you just bury our towels and bathmat in the back yard?"
Jerg: "Um, no."
Rams at Redskins -9. Sorry to get off topic, but the sound of Paula Deen's voice makes me want to kill someone. And that someone, is Paula Deen.
Tampa Bay at Buffalo -6. Go and google "George Brett shits himself". Just do it. Don't ever say the Pix never gave you anything.
Seattle at 49ers -1. Welcome back.
Baltimore at Chargers -3.
Browns at Denver -3.
Steelers at Bears +3.
Colts at Miami +3
Giants at Cowboys -3. It's 1994. A good friend of the Pix, let's call him Dirty, is one of the groomsmen at wedding somewhere in the South. There is a bridesmaid there who is way out of his league in the looks department, but when Dirty is on his game, he's been known to pull off some major upsets. It's evident right from the start of the weekend that Dirty has his A+ game going. All the jokes are landing, he's managing his buzz perfectly and he's now headed into the wedding reception at 2-1 odds to hook up with the hottest chick in the building. There's just one problem. He's neglected to manage his "away game" effectively. He's been partying for three days and has yet to successfully duke. He lets this slip his mind as he goes in for close at the end of the night. Somehow he manages to arrive at his room with the young lass when he gets the warning. Rumble, rumble. No time. Must go. While his girl waits for him, he proceeds to violate the bathroom in a manner against most international laws and certainly all moral ones. He thinks about the courtesy flush, but decides against it as it may serve as a warning to something going awry in the Sowetan ghetto he has just created. He breaks out into a full lather as he considers his options. As he leaves the crime scene, the girl arises from the bed and announces she wants to brush her teeth. The following conversation ensues:
Dirty: "You CAN'T go in there!" (a little too loudly)
Hottie: "what?"
Dirty: "Um, he, he, I, a, just, I'd just give it a little time, OK?"
Hottie: "Don't worry, I have three brothers. It can't be that bad".
Dirty: "No, Really, I'm warning you."
Hottie turns the corner and steps one foot inside bathroom. Dirty can't watch.
Hottie: "OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE? THAT'S H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH MY GOD! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TURN THE FAN ON!"
Dirty: "I really don't think it would have mattered."
You get the picture. Amazingly, she stayed, but they both passed out while waiting for the air to clear. She was gone when he woke up.
Which brings us to....
Patriots 31, Jets 17. The Guru prepares for away games better than any coach in the NFL. He has beaten the Jets 7 consecutive times in the Meadow lands. Gas bag and Dirty Sanchez will get flushed this Sunday and the miserable stench that is 60,000 Jet fans will never clear.
By the way, one of these stories was completely fabricated. Go to comments section. Correct answers will recieve a can of deliciousness and/or a kick to the scrotalia.
Enjoy the weekend. Pix out.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Week 1
Some weeks there is time to write the Pix. Some weeks there isn't. This week was the latter. The Pix
Dallas -4 over TB
Saints -13 over Detroit
Miami +4 over Atlanta
Houston -4 over Jets
Denver +5 over Cinci
Philly -2 over Carolina
Indy -7 over Jags
Minn -3 over Cleveland
KC +10 over Baltimore
Giants -6 over Washington
Seattle -7 over Rams
SF +7 over Arizona
GB -3 over Chicago
Bills +11 over NE
SD -9 over Raiders
Dallas -4 over TB
Saints -13 over Detroit
Miami +4 over Atlanta
Houston -4 over Jets
Denver +5 over Cinci
Philly -2 over Carolina
Indy -7 over Jags
Minn -3 over Cleveland
KC +10 over Baltimore
Giants -6 over Washington
Seattle -7 over Rams
SF +7 over Arizona
GB -3 over Chicago
Bills +11 over NE
SD -9 over Raiders
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Pix wants his "gay" back
For a very long time now, it's been generally accepted that the word police could confiscate vernacular from the good english speaking citizens of America and that there was very little we could do about it. "Retarded" became "slow' and then "intellectually challenged". The "Chairman" became the "Chairperson". In general, any descriptive reference to race, gender, religion, size (there are no midgets, just height challenged folks) or any other category used to describe, well, anyone, became taboo. In some instances, the Pix understands that a euphemism is preferable to the more raw descriptive language. The Pix is particularly understanding when it comes to words used to describe the homosexual community. Let the record show that the Pix is pro gay marriage and pro any other manner of civil rights that same sex couples and homosexual individuals are constitutionally and morally entitled to. Devoted readers of the Pix will even recall that due to ancestry involving the Greek isle of Lesbos, the Pix is, in fact, part lesbian himself. It's just that, well, The Pix misses the word "gay". Upon careful consideration and much study, the Pix is hereby declaring the word "gay" free game again and beyond the jurisdiction of the word police. After all, no child learns the word in the context of homosexuality. We just hear that things are "gay" and although there is a mild pejorative connotation, it's just not that bad a word. And it's really funny. For example:
Last Wednesday the Pix had a gay sandwich. It was a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap with mint pesto. What made the sandwich "gay" was the obvious omission of seared animal flesh. Wouldn't a homosexual man think a "gay" sandwich should have extra meat? See? The Pix isn't here to offend anyone, just reclaim some good old fashion adjectives.
The very next day I was asked for my name and telephone number when I called the same sandwich shop and ordered a turkey club wrap. That's gay. You need my name and number? My name is turkey club wrap and my number is in about five minutes. Hang up the phone and make the Pix a sandwich.
Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond (or it could have been Jessie Helms from North Carolina. Some old redneck Senator....oops, sorry word police) is famous for saying "I don't know the definition of pornography is, but I know it when I see it". Well, the Pix isn't sure what makes something gay or not, but the Pix knows it when he sees it:
The Jets are gay.
The Tampa Bay Rays are gay.
Chuck Norris? Not gay.
Peeing sitting down.....gay. In shower, not so much.
Dark socks are gay.
Valentine's gay should be renamed gay day.
Texting is gay (stolen from "The Hangover")
France? Please.
Rocky and Apollo's beach hug??????? Pix going with not gay.
Venus gay, Serena not gay.
All new NFL uniforms since 1995.....gay. Including the flying Elvis.
Easter.....gay.
Boston Marathon.....the gayest.
Twitter.......gayest thing on earth. Ever.
The Pix could go on, but it's time to awkwardly segue to football. Let's just say that we are not done with random gayness here at the Pix. Pix' 2009/2010 preseason predictions:
NFC West:
Seahawks 10-6. Rebound year and a weak schedule
Cardinals 9-7. Pix predicted their rise last year, but Superbowl loser hangover is well documented.
49ers 7-9. Should have started Alex Smith.
Rams 5-11. Defense will be ok.
NFC Central:
Packers 11-5. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Vikings 10-6. Childress, aka Beeker from the muppets, can't coach. And is gay.
Bears 9-7. I worry about this one. They could be much better.
Lions 3-13. Pix' favorite NFC team. Too bad they stink.
NFC South:
Saints 10-6. Could be much better.
Falcons 9-7. Sophomore slump for Ryan, but Gonzalez a huge addition.
Panthers 8-8. Totally gay fan base. No alcohol allowed at tailgaiting.
Buccaneers 7-9. Just fired Jags, which is hilarious.
NFC East:
Giants 9-7. This division is a complete tossup.
Eagles 9-7. Should be entertaining in nothing else.
Cowboys 8-8. Yawn.
Redskins 8-8. All depends on QB. Defense is legit.
NFC Champs......Packers
AFC West:
Chargers 12-4. They are LOADED talent wise, but Norvil Turner is Norvil Turner.
Chiefs 8-8. Scrappier than most think.
Donkeys 6-10. McDaniels will be a great coach someday, but not this year.
Raiders 4-12. JeMarcus is French for lazy and not so smart.
AFC South:
Colts 11-5. Still the team that the Pix respects the most as a Pats rival.
Texans 10-6. D is legit. Shaub has to stay healthy. Lots of skill on O.
Titans 8-8. OVERRATED.
Jaguars 7-9. Will re-locate to LA in 2012.
AFC North:
Ravens 11-5. Could be VERY good.
Steelers 9-7. Luckiest team in history.
Cinmates 7-9. Don't tell anyone, but Pix actually likes Ocho Cinco. Could be a Patriot in the next few years. You heard it here first.
Browns 3-13. The Pix didn't forget about you, Mangina.
AFC East:
Patriots 15-1
Dolphins 9-7
Bills 8-8
Gay Jets 0-16
AFC Champs: Jets. No, wait. Patriots.
SB Champs: Patriots (does this even need to be said?)
There you have it. More details to come in Week 1 of the Pix. The gay preseason has been great, but starting in just a few weeks, the deliciousness will begin to flow in copious amounts at the official home of the Pix. Not for nothing, but Ben and Jerry's recently honored Vermont's legalizing gay marriage by renaming "Chubby Hubby" ice cream to "Hubby Hubby". The Pix would think that giving it no name whatsoever would say it all. Just call it "Ben and Jerry". Sometimes less is more, no?
See you all next week for the actual Pix, where another 65% season of picking against the spread is doubtful, but hopefully mildly amusing.
Pix out.
Last Wednesday the Pix had a gay sandwich. It was a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap with mint pesto. What made the sandwich "gay" was the obvious omission of seared animal flesh. Wouldn't a homosexual man think a "gay" sandwich should have extra meat? See? The Pix isn't here to offend anyone, just reclaim some good old fashion adjectives.
The very next day I was asked for my name and telephone number when I called the same sandwich shop and ordered a turkey club wrap. That's gay. You need my name and number? My name is turkey club wrap and my number is in about five minutes. Hang up the phone and make the Pix a sandwich.
Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond (or it could have been Jessie Helms from North Carolina. Some old redneck Senator....oops, sorry word police) is famous for saying "I don't know the definition of pornography is, but I know it when I see it". Well, the Pix isn't sure what makes something gay or not, but the Pix knows it when he sees it:
The Jets are gay.
The Tampa Bay Rays are gay.
Chuck Norris? Not gay.
Peeing sitting down.....gay. In shower, not so much.
Dark socks are gay.
Valentine's gay should be renamed gay day.
Texting is gay (stolen from "The Hangover")
France? Please.
Rocky and Apollo's beach hug??????? Pix going with not gay.
Venus gay, Serena not gay.
All new NFL uniforms since 1995.....gay. Including the flying Elvis.
Easter.....gay.
Boston Marathon.....the gayest.
Twitter.......gayest thing on earth. Ever.
The Pix could go on, but it's time to awkwardly segue to football. Let's just say that we are not done with random gayness here at the Pix. Pix' 2009/2010 preseason predictions:
NFC West:
Seahawks 10-6. Rebound year and a weak schedule
Cardinals 9-7. Pix predicted their rise last year, but Superbowl loser hangover is well documented.
49ers 7-9. Should have started Alex Smith.
Rams 5-11. Defense will be ok.
NFC Central:
Packers 11-5. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Vikings 10-6. Childress, aka Beeker from the muppets, can't coach. And is gay.
Bears 9-7. I worry about this one. They could be much better.
Lions 3-13. Pix' favorite NFC team. Too bad they stink.
NFC South:
Saints 10-6. Could be much better.
Falcons 9-7. Sophomore slump for Ryan, but Gonzalez a huge addition.
Panthers 8-8. Totally gay fan base. No alcohol allowed at tailgaiting.
Buccaneers 7-9. Just fired Jags, which is hilarious.
NFC East:
Giants 9-7. This division is a complete tossup.
Eagles 9-7. Should be entertaining in nothing else.
Cowboys 8-8. Yawn.
Redskins 8-8. All depends on QB. Defense is legit.
NFC Champs......Packers
AFC West:
Chargers 12-4. They are LOADED talent wise, but Norvil Turner is Norvil Turner.
Chiefs 8-8. Scrappier than most think.
Donkeys 6-10. McDaniels will be a great coach someday, but not this year.
Raiders 4-12. JeMarcus is French for lazy and not so smart.
AFC South:
Colts 11-5. Still the team that the Pix respects the most as a Pats rival.
Texans 10-6. D is legit. Shaub has to stay healthy. Lots of skill on O.
Titans 8-8. OVERRATED.
Jaguars 7-9. Will re-locate to LA in 2012.
AFC North:
Ravens 11-5. Could be VERY good.
Steelers 9-7. Luckiest team in history.
Cinmates 7-9. Don't tell anyone, but Pix actually likes Ocho Cinco. Could be a Patriot in the next few years. You heard it here first.
Browns 3-13. The Pix didn't forget about you, Mangina.
AFC East:
Patriots 15-1
Dolphins 9-7
Bills 8-8
Gay Jets 0-16
AFC Champs: Jets. No, wait. Patriots.
SB Champs: Patriots (does this even need to be said?)
There you have it. More details to come in Week 1 of the Pix. The gay preseason has been great, but starting in just a few weeks, the deliciousness will begin to flow in copious amounts at the official home of the Pix. Not for nothing, but Ben and Jerry's recently honored Vermont's legalizing gay marriage by renaming "Chubby Hubby" ice cream to "Hubby Hubby". The Pix would think that giving it no name whatsoever would say it all. Just call it "Ben and Jerry". Sometimes less is more, no?
See you all next week for the actual Pix, where another 65% season of picking against the spread is doubtful, but hopefully mildly amusing.
Pix out.
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