Week 3

The Pix is unavailable for his normal weekly commentary. Information remains sketchy, but TMZ has reported that he and Dorothy Hamill were remanded to an undisclosed location after a webcast incident involving a leather reclining chair.

To maintain continuity, DrBizzle - analogy rainman, outcomes junkie, and Muser on Important Themes - has been summoned from the crows' nest of the Galleon Pix to provide commentary.

Caveat emptor.

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OK. Before we get into spread picks and other navelgazing, we need to treat our mailbag, which has been bursting with Pats' hopes and fears after two short weeks. Accordingly, we offer

Hopes 'N' Fears: A 2015 Pats Mailbag

(Note: the And in the subtitle was shortened to 'N', to set a more playful, lighthearted tone for the remainder of this post. So that when we conjure images of, say, Roger Goodell forced to wear a cutoff Grogan jersey and suck a diarrhea frappe through a giant pink swizzle straw, it'll seem more, you know, family-friendly and stuff.)

Hope: the Pats will find someone to play tight end opposite Gronk, to bring back the 2 TE offense. Maybe a hybrid 'joker' in the Hernandez tradition. With that firmly in place and Edelman in the slot, opposing defenses will need 13 or 14 players to cover the flat, and Brady will throw for 600 yards every game. Verdict: Maybe...ish. Chandler is as big as Gronk, and creates similar red zone matchup issues. He seems to fill the role that the farseers among you had penciled in for Jake Ballard a couple years ago.

Fear: the Pats' depleted cornerback roster is a disaster waiting to happen. Verdict: Still out. Butler is making a go of living up to unfair expectations. Logan Ryan periodically expresses his right-place-right-time gene. After that...well, that's why we keep our fridges stocked with Queenos.

Hope: Dion Lewis will scratch the Darren Sproles itch that Patriot Nation has had under their short shorts for many moons. Verdict: we're too aflutter right now to render an objective opinion. The Magic 8-Ball says 'ASK AGAIN LATER'.

Fear: will Brady still be as good this year without deflated balls? Verdict: Oh, what do to with this toxic little shiv masquerading as an innocent question. You should have sent it in crayon. Do the words 'Belicheat' or 'Cheatriot' give you an endorphin release? Send you groping for the pump lotion? We can't help you, but you can help yourself.

And now to the Big Tent...

Week 3 Picks

Pats -13.5 over Jaguars. The Pix regularly indulges in a Patriot 'reverse jinx' by taking the opponent and the points. While a powerful occult ritual, DrBizzle prefers the direct approach here, and would give 70 points and a whole sideline full of ball-heating microwaves, just to take the Pats. In any case, The Pix is somewhere hogtied with figure skate laces, and won't be putting up a fuss right now.

Atlanta -1.5 over the flaming heap of Cowboy aspirations.

Jets -2.5 over Iggles. Bradford looks like Longfellow's girl with the curl on her forehead. And Chip Kelly looks like it's been too long since he licked Princess Leia's bikini.

Pittsburgh -1.5 over St. Louis. After a stunner in Week 1, the Rams in week 2 revealed that they may in fact still be the Rams. Except when they play Seattle.

Carolina -3.5 over Saints. What is happening in New Orleans? Jesus.

Donkeys -3.5 over Lions. Ndamukong Suh left Detroit with a red Chevy Coupe full of defensive mojo, but it arrived empty in Miami. Mulder & Scully are interviewing Appalachian weirdos who claim they saw the mojo sucked "right outta them car" into a wormhole.

Bengals +2.5 over Ravens. Ravens win by 1 but lose vs spread.

Oakland +3.5 over Cleveland. If you choose Manziel to lead your team, turn to page 68...if you choose....wait, hold on, the phone's ringing

Bucs +6.5 over JJ Watt and his merry band of blunt instruments.

Green Bay -6.5 over KC.

Colts -4.5 over Titans. A Statement Game Warning has been issued for the counties surrounding Nissan Stadium in Nashville, Tennessee. One way or the other, expect to be treated to sports anchors lathering themselves up with words like 'statement', 'prove', 'erase doubts', etc.

Cardinals -6.5 over SF. Cards firing on all cylinders. The Niners' Run Forrest Run offense isn't going to cut it here. Expect catch-up downfield bombs to Anquan 'Use To Catch Downfield Bombs From Flacco' Boldin, and Torrey 'No Shit? Me Too' Smith.

Bears +14.5 over Seahawks. Approximately 0% of survey respondents expect Chicago to successfully pick a booger in CenturyLink, let alone win a football game, but 14.5 is a Patriotesque spread to cover. Those don't always work out so well. Please reread pick #1 to resolve any cognitive dissonance.

Fluffalo +2.5 over Miami. The Bills have a giant shoulder chip (see Jets 2009-10) which has not yet undergone radioactive decay into buffoonery and mediocrity (see Jets 2011-2014).

San Diego vs Hufflepuff. One or the other, we guess. Do you care, really, outside of fantasy, and the DraftKings bikini models crawling up your legs?

Good Hunting,

-DrBizzle

Week 2

It's rough out there for a blogger who stopped blogging and is maybe going to try to blog again.  The internets are very different in 2015 than they even were in 2012.  Everyone's Facebook page or Twitter feed is a mini blog in and of themselves.....with many great HOT takes and chuckles and giggletation.  So the Pix is just going to stick to the fundamentals:

1.Football
2.Hate

The Pix:

SF +6 over Pitt.  We have to start with Lili Tomlin and the Steelers.  Lili's whining about the headsets going wonky during a rain and electrical storm is the whiniest most pathetic cover your ass move the Pix has seen in a while. Lili fails to cover Gronk, puts 10 defenders on the field in the Red Zone, calls for a half back option that cripples their first drive and sets up his ex Jaguar kicker to begin his choke fest all on the way to losing a game when (statistically) he had the much better team.  And it's the HEADSET's fault?  Oh Lili,  we know your seat is hotter than a fresh f*%cked fox in a forest fire, but not only were you pantsed by the GURU thursday night, Belichick even took the time to scold you Friday morning letting the world know he's had enough of witch hunts and losers with agendas/excuses.

Carolina +3 over Houston.

Yes, the Guru putting the league and media on BLAST was as refreshing as that first vessel of deliciousness after a grueling 18 holes of golf. Sometimes the Pix and friends walk long stretches of well manicured countryside swinging sticks at small white orbs until finally, blessedly, the hard labor comes to and end and deliciousness is the reward.  Hard work? INDEED! Yet the Pix endures.

Detroit +3 over Minn.

Back to the Guru......after Radiogate began in earnest last Friday there were was actually a budding media frenzy surrounding the Patriots again.  As surreal as it was, it came to a magnificenlty abrupt end when after months of circumspect Guru saying not a word about you know what.....Guru went full ninja.  Without raising his voice or dronining, the Guru simply said ENOUGH....and the Steelers turtled, and the league turtled, and the media turtled.  And the universe breathed a sigh of relief...

GB -3.5 over Seattle.

Some west coast readers expressed dismay over the lack of Sea Hag content last week, so let's talk some green highlighter....and let us begin with Sarah Palin, um, the Pix means Russell Wilson.  Asked this off season what was going through his mind as he walked off the field after throwing the worst interception in the history of the NFL, Wilson replied that God spoke to him, saying, "I HAVE BIGGER PLANS FOR YOU".  Let that one sink in for a moment............................................................................................................................................
Ok, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!!???!?!? Let's forget for a moment that one assumes a devout individual such as RW would invoke some humility, as presumably his boy JC would.  And let's forget he's on camera asking Pete Carroll on the sideline "what happened" (not mentioning his conversation with the almighty).  Let's just...well....let's see if we can incorporate Russell's strategy in a way that may benefit us!

Pulled over for speeding?  "God has bigger plans for my car, officer"
Caught with Ashley Madison acct?  "Honey, you may not understand, but God has bigger plans for our relationship".
Sink the Titanic?  "God has bigger plans for trans Atlantic oceanic travel".

You get the point.......but that's not even the looniest thing our boy said this offseason.  While addressing a congregation of his peeps, RW explained that yes, he is dating Ciara, but they are NOT having the sex. 

THAT's Ciara, btw.  Yup, definitley don't hit that Russell.  Tell you what...if God spoke to the Pix, and the Pix was dating Ciara, something about being fruitful and multiplying may come to mind.  That, a blindfold, trapeeze, a "safe" word, and, well.....you get the picture.

Arizona -2 at Chicago
NO -10 over TB
Cinci -3 over SD
Rams -3 over Washington
ATL + 3 over NY
Ravens -6 over Oak
Philly -5 over Dallas
Jets +7 over Indy





Pop Quiz....

Is the above picture:

A.  Boko Haram hostages after 6 months without food and water.
B.  Yeezy unveling his fashion line in NYC (the Pix was not invited)
C.  The Indianapolis Colts offfensive and defensive lines.

Finally..........Buffalo +2 over Patriots.

Long time Pix reader Susannah hates it when the Pix goes against the Pats, but this is just business.  And 9/10 the Guru and Brady make the Pix look like Mr. Magoo (I know you're reading).
But the Pix is genuinely petrified of the Bills this season.  Their defense is beastly, the offense has playmakers everywhere, and Rex finds ways to bother Brady like no other coach.  Throw in the fact that Buffalo has a home field vibe and some karma going for it that looks to be undeniable this season.  So face it NE, the Bills are back and they are going to be trouble.

So sayeth the Pix.  Enjoy your weekends everyone.

TONIGHT

Spygate 2.0, Deflategate, the Super Bowl, Brady's appeal and victory, Ashley Madison, Braitlyn Jenner.....the internets are truly wonderful.  But out of all the most recent headlines, the Pix's favorite just may be this mad cow (Kim Davis) down in ReTucky who just got out of the can for refusing to issue marriage liscences to same sex couples.  The Pix just watched the YouTube vid of this foul bird being introduced to a throng of Wal-Mart rejects by pandering bigot lardass Mike Hillbilly Huckabee.  Dear Lord.....ISIS has to be thinking to themselves that if they could only over here, it wouldn't take too long to take this circus over.  https://youtu.be/fR3n1d1GlsA

And please don't mistake the great Commonwealth of Kentucky for Retucky. Every state has their re zones.

The Pix:

KC +1 over Houston.  Hard Knocks, for the first time in a long time, delivered this year.  Between Mike Vrabel being insanely awesome and Bill O'brien delivering more FUCKS than the entire works of 2 Live Crew, the main takeaway is that the NFL now has the biggest media whore this side of Breet to celebrate.  ME ME Watt has gone full blown WWE character without the wink wink side of self awareness that even pro wrestling has.  ME ME Watt actually thinks he is real. 

Cleveland +3 over Jets.  Ok, this is weird.....the Pix doesn't just can't get worked up for the Jets anymore.  They are just a team grossly overpaying aging defensive stars in a sad attempt to remain relevant in their own city.  Too Bad, so sad...yawn.

Miami -4 at Washington.  One of the hardest things in coming back to writing the Pix after the layoff is that every topic has been HOT TAKED to death.  How would it be possible at this point to say something original about RG3 or how much of an evil dwarf Dan Snyder seems to be?

Jacksonville +4 over Carolina.  Despite Carolina's legit defense, The Panthers' achilles heel seems to be, surprisingly, Cam Newton.  The Pix could be wrong, but it just seems Cam can't put two seasons in a row together.  This is the Pix upset special of the week.  Because, please, the Jaguars......

Arizona -2 over New Orleans.  Wow, this is a pretty crappy week of football.

Tennessee +3 over TB.  See above.  Allow the Pix to be the first to declare Rapist Winston's career a bust.  And the Bucs deserve nothing less.  They did their due diligence and still decided to draft this poor excuse for a human #1 overall.  More on the Rapist in future posts.

Dallas -6 over Giants.  It says here the Cowboys play in the NFC championship game.  That's all.  And, um, fuck the Giants and hypocrite hall of fame DB Wellington Mara.

Baltimore +5 at the Donkeys.  Ahhhhh.....the "root for injuries"game.  In the event ISIS doesn't take both teams hostage and light them on fire in cages before the game, the Pix will sit back, relax, and root for both teams trainers to pull hammies running on and off the field.  Peyton's chicken neck and noodle arm have been as feeble in the pre-season as they looked last year in the playoffs.

Oakland +4 over Cincy
Bolts -3 over Lions
Philly -3 over Atlanta.  PIX LOCK OF THE WEEK
Vikings -2 over SF.

Buffalo +3 over Indy.  You know the kid on your u12 football team who is faster than hell and hits pretty good (until it's against someone his own size) and then takes his first good shot and turtles for the rest of the season?  And then you get the email from his parents about how concerned they are about, um, everything?  That's the Colts, and that's their pussy weasel ownership/management.  And it's been going on for the better part of two decades now.  At least the kid can find soccer.....

And finally..............Patriots -21 over Steelers.  Seriously.........where to start?  When your team wins the Super Bowl (not the mention their DYNASTIC 4th with the same QB/Coach) your reward as a fan is the offseason.  As a fan, you invest massive amounts of time and emotion into a form of entertainment that has a very low probability of having a successfull outcome. So when your team overcomes extremely long odds.......and WINS, there's as much relief as there is exhilaration.  To make matters worse, the window to celebrate is relatively short, Feb-August, because then the paranoia and anxiety you have as a fan (admittedly an insane one) begins all over again. And that's OK, it's the business we have chosen, it comes with the territory.

But when ESPN and the NFL spends OUR ENTIRE  offseason doing their damn well best to deprive us Patriots fans of our deserved payoff from our investment......yeah, it becomes personal. Really personal. It is now beyond reasonable doubt that the owners (and fans) of organizations like the Jets, Colts, Ravens (oh, fuck, everybody) have joined with the media of those cities and ESPN and the NFL to paint the Patriots as an organization unworthy of their success.  It's the ultimate insult, and they have pursued this storyline with blatant lies. And moe lies, and then lies to cover up their lies. To try and detail the level and amount of bull shit that has been thrown in the direction of New England would take weeks, or months, or years. So if you started off reading the Pix thinking to yourself that "this is some pretty weak sauce from the Pix....considering....", don't worry.  We here at Pix nation are just getting started.

And it begins tonight.  Brady gets to answer tonight.  Belichick gets to answer tonight.  The New England Patriots get to unfurl the FLAG and 70,000 Mass holes who have been drinking all day and listening to sports radio for the last five months get to answer TONIGHT.  Months of sitting in traffic on the way to the mountains or the Cape listening to turncoat pussies like Felger and Mazz talk about how Brady was GENERALLY AWARE or that Ted fucking Wells was "independent" stops TONIGHT.  Months of suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune ends TONIGHT. Thousands of hours or droning and crying by the electronic army of past Patriot vanquishment comes to an end TONIGHT. TONIGHT we fucking roll.  At approximately 8:15 the Pix will step away from the television and onto the back porch of 1 Pix Place so that The Pix can hear the roar from Foxboro (45.4 miles away) and join the chorus of unjustly accused and maligned Patriot fans shouting our defiance.  And ESPN and Roger Goodell and his fellow co conspiritors will hear us.  And they should weep and tremble and beg for mercy.  Because now the dialogue will be controlled not by the media, but by the players.  By the Patriots.  By BRADY, THE GURU AND GRONK.



 As Mr. Kraft said on the Super Bowl podium back in 2001, "Tonight, we are ALL Patriots".

Let the games begin indeed......