Before we begin with week 3, the Pix has a few housekeeping items to go
over. Item #1 is the distribution list. There isn't one. The Pix is a
retard and doesn't know how to properly use Outlook. In addition,
Outlook will occasionally drop a name or several and then the Pix gets
hazed for "leaving me off the list". It takes the Pix longer to go
through the names above than it does to write the freaking thing. Over
the last few years the Pix has been asked to add names, and for whatever
reason it's 3-4 new ones per week now. Trust me, I appreciate you all
forwarding these to your friends and the (sometimes) flattering things
people write me. The Pix loves it. I just don't have the time to add
more names. A few people have told me to start a blog. I'm on the
fence. The thing is this is fun for me and I don't want to feel
obligated to write or spend more time than I already am. Plus, the Pix
reads blogs (barstoolsports.com). It's a different level. When the Pix
started out it was 10 minutes a week. Now it's more like an hour. The
Pix isn't sure how many more jokes about pre stroke grandma Walton,
Cher, Breet and fermented cucumbers there are left. Anyway, please
continue to forward these if you want and please enjoy them.
This weeks theme is one that is near and dear to the Pix.
Deliciousness. For those not new to the Pix, the D word means Budweiser
or some appropriate liquid intoxicant consumed while observing the
National Football league. FOTPs also know the Pix likes to maintain a
strict viewing schedule and can usually be found in 1-3 top secret
locations. While the new and improved Pix Place is under construction,
it is more and more likely that the 2008 season will see the Pix viewing
games beyond the normal comfort zones of his limited universe. These
are known as away games. And they are unfortunate. Not only does the
possibility of facing digestive challenges (lack of fan, small bowl,
lack of Charmin with Aloe) arise, an even greater danger can appear.
Lack of appropriate deliciousness. Quality and quantity.
The whole situation reminds the Pix of a wedding during the 90's. After
skipping the ceremony and heading directly to the bar, the Pix was
confronted with one of the most terrifying sights known to man. A
situation so desperate and dire that months of therapy still couldn't
erase the trauma. The Pix refers, of course, to the Amstel light and
Heineken bar. Scandal, shame, pestilence, gender equity.....nothing
holds a candle to the hideous, deplorable and unconstitutional Amstel
light and Heineken bar. The Pix would rather be charged 8 bucks per can
of Fresca for the evening than drink one free bottle of the devil twins
of Euro-pee. Which leads us to the point of all of this........if by
chance the Pix winds up in one of your houses this season for his
viewing pleasure, please use this list of beverage do's and beverage
don'ts.
1.Budweiser. AKA deliciousness. Lots of it. 38 degrees please.
Preferably the new bottle can. Thank you, please drive through.
2. Miller Lite. Only acceptable since it is the official beverage of
Jefe and Mr. Vegas. It's a guest beer. The Pix will drink it in a
beverage emergency. Quick tip: If you only have 6 Miller lites and 6
Buds, drink the ML's first. One can't possibly go from nectar to
average product.
3. Gin and tonic. Lovely. Delightful.
4. Any foreign beer. Nein. Nyet. Never. Get that week cheese out of
here. Recently the Pix has noticed several people drinking Stella
Artois. What the??? Is it Italian? Belgian? What the hell is that
stuff? It tastes like a skunk sprayed some lobster bait. The Pix will
drink it in a pinch, though.
5. Coke. Perfectly acceptable. The original official non alcoholic
beverage of the Pix. Delicious on ice in a tall glass with a grilled
ham and cheese and some Pringles. Nice little pre-game snack.
6. Ginger Ale. Also acceptable. When the Pix was a child on Sundays
trying to avoid religious services so he could spend some time with
Brent, Irv, Phyllis and Jimmy, he was known to feign a slight illness or
two. Said malady would normally result in optimal couch real estate
being claimed with the added bonus of the less smelly afghan and copious
amounts of bubbly ginger ale. Not until the obnoxious 60 minutes
commercials began airing did the Pix relinquish pole position on the
couch. Good times, indeed.
7. Bud light. Meh. Yawn. Several former deliciousness drinkers have
crossed over to the watery version lately. The Pix is not impressed.
Man up and drink the high test for goodness sake.
8. Coors light. The Pix recently read that Coors light was responsible
for half the teenage pregnancies in New Jersey. That said, the Pix
finds the silver buddy the closest tasting beer to the King. Final
verdict: acceptable. The Pix....
10-4 last week. 22-8 on the season vs. the spread. For entertainment
purposes only.
Atlanta -4 over KC. What a lame match up. Why is Larry Johnson whining
again? What's his beef this time? Go enjoy an Amstel light, Larry.
Arizona +3 over Washington. The Pix has a soft spot for the Cardinals.
Goes back to Jim Hart and Terry Metcalf. This game should be a half
decent road test for Arizona. Jury is still way out on Jim Zorn and
Jason Campbell.
Tenn -5 over Houston. Gonna ride the Titans until they don't pay.
Buffalo -9 over Oakland. Ditto the Bills. The Pix hopes they show
shots of Al Davis up in his box drooling and snarling with his greasy
stringy hair and yellow uncut fingernails. He looks like a cross
between Howard Hughes when he barricaded himself in his house and the
old lady landlord Woody Harrelson had to get with in "Kingpin". That
scene may have been more disturbing than Ned Beatie and Jon Voight's
little party in "Deliverance".
Chicago -3 over Tampa. Let's give the Bears one more week. They should
have covered last week in Carolina, Boog.
Panthers -3 over Minn. Tavaris gets benched. What a pitiful
performance last week against the Colts.
Cincy +14 over Giants. The Cinmates have to play a desperate game here.
Their season is on the line. Me thinks the Giants will have a little
let down against a seemingly toothless opponent.
Denver -5 over Saints. This line seems off to me. Shouldn't the
Donkeys be giving like 9 here at home?
San Fran -4 over Det.
Rams +10 over Seahawks. Poor Seattle. If San Diego (according to Ron
Burgundy) is German for a female part of a whale's anatomy, Seattle is
Pawnee for the other end.
Cleveland +3 over Baltimore. See Cincy vs. NY. If the Browns lose this
their season is over.
Philly -3 over Pitt. Eagles could have a Monday night hangover, but the
Turd Burglar has a sore wing and a soft grape.
Jax +6 over Colts. Anyone catch the latest Viagra commercial? The one
where the dude throws the remote control out the window and waltzes to
the bedroom? Note to Pfizer.....you never, Never, NEVER disrespect the
remote. Why don't you just have a bunch of guys sitting in room
drinking Amstels, burning the American flag and bad mouthing John Wayne?
If I'm running Cialis add campaign I'd immediately run an add showing a
guy walking by the same house, picking up the remote, beat the other
dude with it and take his woman. Then he can tell his lady to chill
while he finishes watching the game because, um, he's got like 4 hours
right?
Dallas -3 over Packers. Over/under on Jessica Simpson
references......12. Over/under on Breet references......112.
Speaking of....Jets +10 over Ladudians. How delightful was last week?
Breet throws a juicy pick and my man Matty Cassell manages a tidy little
game. If Breet can't cover a 10 point spread in a must win game then
he's in for a long season. Wait, he just retired again. Wait, he's
coming back. Wait....
Mia +13 over Pats. Relax. Of course Pats win, but the days of them
covering two touchdown spreads is over for this season. Pennington
usually plays well in Foxboro. So do the fish. Pats 27, Mia 17.
Not a lot of humor this week. Not a lot of humor in the financial
markets. But the Pix must go on.....just like good old #1 Bernie
Carbo.
Pix Out.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
.........Err............staring at blank
screen..............thinking........thinking............where to start?
How about a moment of silence?
Ok. (thanks to TC). Let's just get to the question of the year. Is
the season over? Does losing the most important, most popular, most
irreplaceable player on your team eight minutes into the first game of
the season mean that the season is, for all intents and purposes,
finished? The Pix was barely into his first can of deliciousness when
the bubbly Bud cam flying out of both nostrils and chicken wing hole.
Yikes and gadzooks. I think it was Bill Simmons this week who likened
the experience of losing Brady this early in the season to that of
being left at the altar. The only caveat to that the Pix would add is
that in this instance the groom has to immediately grab the hottest
bridesmaid, go through with the ceremony, and try to make a go of it.
The hottest bridesmaid in this case being Matt Cassell. Zoinks.
For those who know the Pix well, you know that "glass half full" would
not accurately describe the Pix. "Glass half empty" might be a stretch
too, come to think of it. More like "If glass is 9/10 full the fact
that 1/10 of the glass is missing is a deplorable travesty of
inter-galactic proportions." Why then, does the first thing that comes
to mind is the Pix' favorite scene from "Apollo 13"? When, asked to
give the President odds on the successful return of spacecraft and crew
(expecting not very good) Ed Harris snaps "Tell the President that I
think this will be our finest hour." And so, dear readers and Patriots
fans everywhere, the Pix says here that this will be our finest hour.
We get to be the underdogs again. Remember how much fun the 2001 season
was? And we get the added bonus of rooting against the biggest fraud of
a quarterback playing for the biggest traitor coach in a city so morally
bankrupt that the headline in their most widely read paper said "Yahoo"
in response to the league MVP getting his knee blown out. Make no
mistake. The Pix has it on good authority that Breet and Manjudas spent
the entire week molesting children, beating the elderly and spitting on
troops returning from Iraq. Not to mention that it's a poorly kept
secret that while in Green Bay, Breet was funding Al Qaeda through a
series of false charities while constantly increasing his carbon
footprint and writing speeches for Sarah Palin. Worse than all that,
however, comes this news.....he's personally bankrolling and overseeing
the return of "New Kidz on the Block". The Pix....
(Last week 12-4 vs. the spread. For entertainment purposes only)
Oak +4 vs. KC. Not only was the hit on Brady cheaper than one share of
Sirius, Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne "manos de piedra" Bowe complained the
refs cheated for the Pats by not throwing a flag on the final series of
the game. Look, Tony, Dwayne, The Pix knows living in KC can't be much
fun. Other than cooking meth in your basement, attending Royals games
and wondering why your uniforms haven't been redesigned since the
Kennedy administration there's not a whole lot to do. And who would
write about it if there were? But when you lose to a qb who hasn't
played meaningful time since high school, have a little perspective.
GB -3 over Detroit. Needless to say, the Pix will be rooting for the
Packers from now on. Now that they have removed the malignant, petulant
and flatulent tumor that is was and always will be Breet.
Chicago +4 over Carolina. Anyone else want to thank the Bears for
humiliating Pay me Manning and Mahatma Dungy on the night they open
their new stadium? And really? Lucas Oil Stadium? Really? I guess
Mino's roast beef didn't want to step up for the naming rights.
Tenn +1 over Cinmates. Wow. What's going on with Vince Young? Crazy?
Hyper-sensitive? Injured? The Pix knows this.....VY throws like a girl
and likes to dance half nude at all male clubs. Google "the big lead"
and check out pictures of Vince with his boys. Vito from the Sopranos
thinks Vince needs to be more discreet.
Buffalo +6 over Jax. Jags are overrated. Swampscott's own Dick Jauron
is underrated.
New Orleans even over Wash. Over/Under on Jim Zorn's employment status
is 8 weeks. Paging Mr. Cowher. Mr. Bill Cowher, please report to the
'skins front office to pick up your $40 million.
Indy -2 over Minn. Tavaris Jackson? Really? What the Vikings wouldn't
give for a stud QB like Matt Cassell....
Giants -9 over Rams. Woof.
SF + 9 over Seattle. It bears repeating.....until the Seahawks change
their uniforms from Calphalon non stick grey back to blue and green,
they will get no love from the Pix.
Atlanta +9 over Tampa. Brian Griese starting for the Bucs at QB. The
Pix remembers when Griese was leading Michigan to a national
championship, circa 1973...
Arizona -7 over Miami.
Denver -2 over SD. Incredible. Pix will be rooting for the Donkeys for
the first time since Lyle Alzado lined up for the "Orange Crush".
That's how despicable Ladudian Tampon, Norvil and Steroiman are. Bolts
should be thankful the Pix is saving the sword for the Jeets this week.
Pitt -5 over Cleveland. Note to Kellen Winslow Jr......The Pix would
like to purchase advertising space on the one square inch of your body
you don't currently have tattooed. What's the point, Kellen? And why
are you so angry with your parents? And what's with LeBron wearing
Yankees hats to Indians games and Cowboys jerseys to Browns games? Have
a little respect, man.
Dallas -7 over Philly. Would be different if game were in Philly (best
home fans in football). Donovan McNabb is to big games what Sarah Palin
is to press conferences. Non existent. Ann Frank was in hiding for
less time than Governor Palin has been since the nomination. She sort
of reminds me of the William Hurt character from "Broadcast News".
Totally phony, but so profoundly and unapologetically phony that it's
kind of endearing.
Bal at Houston. Hurricane Ike minus the points.
Pats +3 over Jeets. Oy Vey. It was suggested earlier this week to the
Pix that if Breet had stayed retired, there was a good chance the Pats
would have traded for his rights. Blasphemy! Sacrilege! The Pix would
rather see the Patriots go 1-15 with Cassell than go undefeated with
(holding nose) Breet playing for NE. The Pats are about team. Breet is
about Breet. And clubbing baby seals. With the Pats going into the
devil city as underdogs and the national media slurping all things
Jeets; rooting for the Pats for every yard, every first down, every
tackle will be an experience not felt as a Pats fan for a while. The
Pix can't wait for next week when the victorious Pats return to a
stadium that for too long has been filled with a sense of complacency
and entitlement. Cue Ed Harris.
Thanks for reading and enjoy the weekend.
The Pix.
screen..............thinking........thinking............where to start?
How about a moment of silence?
Ok. (thanks to TC). Let's just get to the question of the year. Is
the season over? Does losing the most important, most popular, most
irreplaceable player on your team eight minutes into the first game of
the season mean that the season is, for all intents and purposes,
finished? The Pix was barely into his first can of deliciousness when
the bubbly Bud cam flying out of both nostrils and chicken wing hole.
Yikes and gadzooks. I think it was Bill Simmons this week who likened
the experience of losing Brady this early in the season to that of
being left at the altar. The only caveat to that the Pix would add is
that in this instance the groom has to immediately grab the hottest
bridesmaid, go through with the ceremony, and try to make a go of it.
The hottest bridesmaid in this case being Matt Cassell. Zoinks.
For those who know the Pix well, you know that "glass half full" would
not accurately describe the Pix. "Glass half empty" might be a stretch
too, come to think of it. More like "If glass is 9/10 full the fact
that 1/10 of the glass is missing is a deplorable travesty of
inter-galactic proportions." Why then, does the first thing that comes
to mind is the Pix' favorite scene from "Apollo 13"? When, asked to
give the President odds on the successful return of spacecraft and crew
(expecting not very good) Ed Harris snaps "Tell the President that I
think this will be our finest hour." And so, dear readers and Patriots
fans everywhere, the Pix says here that this will be our finest hour.
We get to be the underdogs again. Remember how much fun the 2001 season
was? And we get the added bonus of rooting against the biggest fraud of
a quarterback playing for the biggest traitor coach in a city so morally
bankrupt that the headline in their most widely read paper said "Yahoo"
in response to the league MVP getting his knee blown out. Make no
mistake. The Pix has it on good authority that Breet and Manjudas spent
the entire week molesting children, beating the elderly and spitting on
troops returning from Iraq. Not to mention that it's a poorly kept
secret that while in Green Bay, Breet was funding Al Qaeda through a
series of false charities while constantly increasing his carbon
footprint and writing speeches for Sarah Palin. Worse than all that,
however, comes this news.....he's personally bankrolling and overseeing
the return of "New Kidz on the Block". The Pix....
(Last week 12-4 vs. the spread. For entertainment purposes only)
Oak +4 vs. KC. Not only was the hit on Brady cheaper than one share of
Sirius, Tony Gonzalez and Dwayne "manos de piedra" Bowe complained the
refs cheated for the Pats by not throwing a flag on the final series of
the game. Look, Tony, Dwayne, The Pix knows living in KC can't be much
fun. Other than cooking meth in your basement, attending Royals games
and wondering why your uniforms haven't been redesigned since the
Kennedy administration there's not a whole lot to do. And who would
write about it if there were? But when you lose to a qb who hasn't
played meaningful time since high school, have a little perspective.
GB -3 over Detroit. Needless to say, the Pix will be rooting for the
Packers from now on. Now that they have removed the malignant, petulant
and flatulent tumor that is was and always will be Breet.
Chicago +4 over Carolina. Anyone else want to thank the Bears for
humiliating Pay me Manning and Mahatma Dungy on the night they open
their new stadium? And really? Lucas Oil Stadium? Really? I guess
Mino's roast beef didn't want to step up for the naming rights.
Tenn +1 over Cinmates. Wow. What's going on with Vince Young? Crazy?
Hyper-sensitive? Injured? The Pix knows this.....VY throws like a girl
and likes to dance half nude at all male clubs. Google "the big lead"
and check out pictures of Vince with his boys. Vito from the Sopranos
thinks Vince needs to be more discreet.
Buffalo +6 over Jax. Jags are overrated. Swampscott's own Dick Jauron
is underrated.
New Orleans even over Wash. Over/Under on Jim Zorn's employment status
is 8 weeks. Paging Mr. Cowher. Mr. Bill Cowher, please report to the
'skins front office to pick up your $40 million.
Indy -2 over Minn. Tavaris Jackson? Really? What the Vikings wouldn't
give for a stud QB like Matt Cassell....
Giants -9 over Rams. Woof.
SF + 9 over Seattle. It bears repeating.....until the Seahawks change
their uniforms from Calphalon non stick grey back to blue and green,
they will get no love from the Pix.
Atlanta +9 over Tampa. Brian Griese starting for the Bucs at QB. The
Pix remembers when Griese was leading Michigan to a national
championship, circa 1973...
Arizona -7 over Miami.
Denver -2 over SD. Incredible. Pix will be rooting for the Donkeys for
the first time since Lyle Alzado lined up for the "Orange Crush".
That's how despicable Ladudian Tampon, Norvil and Steroiman are. Bolts
should be thankful the Pix is saving the sword for the Jeets this week.
Pitt -5 over Cleveland. Note to Kellen Winslow Jr......The Pix would
like to purchase advertising space on the one square inch of your body
you don't currently have tattooed. What's the point, Kellen? And why
are you so angry with your parents? And what's with LeBron wearing
Yankees hats to Indians games and Cowboys jerseys to Browns games? Have
a little respect, man.
Dallas -7 over Philly. Would be different if game were in Philly (best
home fans in football). Donovan McNabb is to big games what Sarah Palin
is to press conferences. Non existent. Ann Frank was in hiding for
less time than Governor Palin has been since the nomination. She sort
of reminds me of the William Hurt character from "Broadcast News".
Totally phony, but so profoundly and unapologetically phony that it's
kind of endearing.
Bal at Houston. Hurricane Ike minus the points.
Pats +3 over Jeets. Oy Vey. It was suggested earlier this week to the
Pix that if Breet had stayed retired, there was a good chance the Pats
would have traded for his rights. Blasphemy! Sacrilege! The Pix would
rather see the Patriots go 1-15 with Cassell than go undefeated with
(holding nose) Breet playing for NE. The Pats are about team. Breet is
about Breet. And clubbing baby seals. With the Pats going into the
devil city as underdogs and the national media slurping all things
Jeets; rooting for the Pats for every yard, every first down, every
tackle will be an experience not felt as a Pats fan for a while. The
Pix can't wait for next week when the victorious Pats return to a
stadium that for too long has been filled with a sense of complacency
and entitlement. Cue Ed Harris.
Thanks for reading and enjoy the weekend.
The Pix.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
What? You didn't think the NFL was starting? It has been a long and
mostly uneventful off season for both the Pix and the NFL. Rumors of a
certain quarterback coming out of retirement and changing teams
notwithstanding, the Pix has been fairly disappointed in the amount of
off-season unintentional comedy and shenanigans. Senator Craig seems to
have narrowed his seating stance. Paris, Lindsay, Brittany and the
girls have begun wearing underwear again and it appears Cher remains
retired. Hmmmm. What to opine on? What is there that the Comedy Gods
can give the Pix? Oh yeah....Gov Sarah Palin.
I know what you are saying. "Don't do it, Pix.""Don't get
political."Don't bring religion into the mix."I know. You are right.
But the Pix wouldn't be the Pix if he didn't get to throw a curve ball
now and again. As important as global Jihad against pickles and CVS is,
we need to focus today on one of the strangest political moves made in
our lifetimes; the selection of Sarah Palin to be John McCain's running
mate this fall.
Before we go any further, a little disclosure. The Pix is a pretty hard
core conservative who twice voted for Dan Quayle for Vice President.
And I'm sure young Sarah can spell Potato. In addition, the VAST
majority of source I will be using for this rant comes from Wikipedia.
In fact, NPR is vetting a story right now that someone from Palin's
staff edited large amounts of her WIKI bio within fifteen minutes of her
selection. So they have seen and are ok with whatever is up there. One
more thing....the Pix does not think he is Christopher Hitchens or
Maureen Dowd. And we'll get to football eventually. It's just that the
Pix has a feeling that these next few months of campaign will be more
like a MTV real world/road rules reality tv show than a robust political
contest. And the Pix loves him some reality TV.
Let's break Sarah down Pix style, shall we? Beginning with her
qualifications.......alright then. No, really, she's done a lot. Head
of the PTA, really good high school hoopster, beauty pageant runner up
and part time sports reporter for less than a year in Anchorage.
Graduated college in 5 years from Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho
College and finally the U of Idaho. Has been governor of America's
emptiest state for less than two years and was mayor of a town that is
less than half the size of Marblehead. Seriously, go and Google
Wasilla, Alaska. Go to images. See the town hall? Welcome back. It
must be nice to be able to pick up a slurpy, slim Jim and hog book while
you stop by to vote on the latest town budget override. Here's a quote
from Wikipedia, "In 2002 term limits prevented Palin from running for a
third term as Mayor. Her step mother-in-law, Faye Palin ran for office
but lost the election to Diane Keller after Sarah Palin endorsed Keller,
her cousin." What the?...? She endorsed her cousin over her step
mother-in-law? In related news, Sheriff Taylor endorsed Aunt B, who
lost the election to Floyd the barber after it was discovered that B's
campaign spokesperson, Goober, misappropriated funds from Opie's paper
route.
More political hijinks and tom-foolery....In 1997, Palin fired town
librarian over book titles that were "somehow morally and socially
objectionable." Worth noting here that the townspeople went ballistic
and Palin had to re-hire the librarian. Also worth noting that this
scene is eerily reminiscent of John Lithgow burning books as the mean
and half crazy pastor of some backwater church in Bomont. What, you
never saw "Footloose"? Everybody cut loose....footloose, ok, sorry.
Back to Palin. According to the New York Times, "Palin has traveled
very little outside the States. In July, 2002 she had to get a passport
to visit troops in Kuwait. Her spokesman, Bob Perritt, states that she
has also visited Canada." Um, so she's got that going for her, I guess.
Here's another gem from Wiki, "McCain's spokespeople point to her role
as Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard. Major General Craig
E. Campbell, immediate commander of the Alaska National Guard states
that Palin has no role in national defense activities relating to the
Guard"......but she HAS been to Canada, Right?
Listen, the Pix loves John McCain. Read his book. Voted for him over W
in the 2000 primary. But what's going on with Maverick? First he
forgets how many houses he owns and then he finds a running mate more
obscure than Oulan Bator and further to the right of the ancient ruler
of said region. Sarah Palin is kind of cute in a Tina Fey after several
cheeseburgers kind of way, and I'd love to party with the bird. Really,
Moose burgers, snow mobiles, hunting....sounds fun. The Pix just isn't
sure she, Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse and Roscoe are ready to break down NATO
treaties or lack thereof with Putin and DimitriMedvedev. Particularly
after she said she hasn't been really focused on "what's going on in
Iraq" and couldn't accept the nomination until "someone tells me exactly
what it is the Vice President does". The Pix isn't sure either, but it
has something to do with being ready on day 1 for something more than a
sewer zoning variance for the new town hockey rink. Just Sayin.
Then there's Trooper gate. For the sake of brevity, because this has
gone on much longer than the Pix had intended, she fired a state safety
official because he refused to fire a trooper who turned out to be
Palin's soon to be ex brother-in-law who was involved in a messy divorce
and custody suit with Palin's sister. Not to be confused with this
classic. "Um, He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's
brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid whose going
with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 flavors last night. I guess
it's pretty serious."
Anyhoo, the Pix....
Giants -4 over Skins.
NO -3 over TB.
Phi -7 over St Louis.
Jets -3 over Mia. You may have heard, the Jeets have new QB. More on
him next week.
Pats -16 over Kc.
Pitt -7 over Hous.
Cinmates even over Bal-a-mer.
Atlanta +3 over Det
Seattle even over Buff
Tenn +3 over Jax.
Dallas -4 over Cleve
Carolina +10 over Norvil and Ladudian
AZ -2 over SF
Chicago +10 over IND
GB -3 over Minn. This one's for the Walker boys. Who have had a tough
offseason.
Oak +3 over Donkeys
That's it. Pix week one is in the books. Next week...more jihad list
and futile attempts at sophomoric humor. Maybe some crude gender
related insults. In other words, more tradition.
As always, please feel free to reply to he Pix but never reply to all.
Fidelity doesn't like it and neither does the OC (Ovarian correspondent
for those who need a reminder). That's her domain. Enjoy the opening
weekend of NFL action. The Pix will be in the new official home with
official wife, children and friends with level 3 Pix clearance (anyone
with a 12 pack).
mostly uneventful off season for both the Pix and the NFL. Rumors of a
certain quarterback coming out of retirement and changing teams
notwithstanding, the Pix has been fairly disappointed in the amount of
off-season unintentional comedy and shenanigans. Senator Craig seems to
have narrowed his seating stance. Paris, Lindsay, Brittany and the
girls have begun wearing underwear again and it appears Cher remains
retired. Hmmmm. What to opine on? What is there that the Comedy Gods
can give the Pix? Oh yeah....Gov Sarah Palin.
I know what you are saying. "Don't do it, Pix.""Don't get
political."Don't bring religion into the mix."I know. You are right.
But the Pix wouldn't be the Pix if he didn't get to throw a curve ball
now and again. As important as global Jihad against pickles and CVS is,
we need to focus today on one of the strangest political moves made in
our lifetimes; the selection of Sarah Palin to be John McCain's running
mate this fall.
Before we go any further, a little disclosure. The Pix is a pretty hard
core conservative who twice voted for Dan Quayle for Vice President.
And I'm sure young Sarah can spell Potato. In addition, the VAST
majority of source I will be using for this rant comes from Wikipedia.
In fact, NPR is vetting a story right now that someone from Palin's
staff edited large amounts of her WIKI bio within fifteen minutes of her
selection. So they have seen and are ok with whatever is up there. One
more thing....the Pix does not think he is Christopher Hitchens or
Maureen Dowd. And we'll get to football eventually. It's just that the
Pix has a feeling that these next few months of campaign will be more
like a MTV real world/road rules reality tv show than a robust political
contest. And the Pix loves him some reality TV.
Let's break Sarah down Pix style, shall we? Beginning with her
qualifications.......alright then. No, really, she's done a lot. Head
of the PTA, really good high school hoopster, beauty pageant runner up
and part time sports reporter for less than a year in Anchorage.
Graduated college in 5 years from Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho
College and finally the U of Idaho. Has been governor of America's
emptiest state for less than two years and was mayor of a town that is
less than half the size of Marblehead. Seriously, go and Google
Wasilla, Alaska. Go to images. See the town hall? Welcome back. It
must be nice to be able to pick up a slurpy, slim Jim and hog book while
you stop by to vote on the latest town budget override. Here's a quote
from Wikipedia, "In 2002 term limits prevented Palin from running for a
third term as Mayor. Her step mother-in-law, Faye Palin ran for office
but lost the election to Diane Keller after Sarah Palin endorsed Keller,
her cousin." What the?...? She endorsed her cousin over her step
mother-in-law? In related news, Sheriff Taylor endorsed Aunt B, who
lost the election to Floyd the barber after it was discovered that B's
campaign spokesperson, Goober, misappropriated funds from Opie's paper
route.
More political hijinks and tom-foolery....In 1997, Palin fired town
librarian over book titles that were "somehow morally and socially
objectionable." Worth noting here that the townspeople went ballistic
and Palin had to re-hire the librarian. Also worth noting that this
scene is eerily reminiscent of John Lithgow burning books as the mean
and half crazy pastor of some backwater church in Bomont. What, you
never saw "Footloose"? Everybody cut loose....footloose, ok, sorry.
Back to Palin. According to the New York Times, "Palin has traveled
very little outside the States. In July, 2002 she had to get a passport
to visit troops in Kuwait. Her spokesman, Bob Perritt, states that she
has also visited Canada." Um, so she's got that going for her, I guess.
Here's another gem from Wiki, "McCain's spokespeople point to her role
as Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard. Major General Craig
E. Campbell, immediate commander of the Alaska National Guard states
that Palin has no role in national defense activities relating to the
Guard"......but she HAS been to Canada, Right?
Listen, the Pix loves John McCain. Read his book. Voted for him over W
in the 2000 primary. But what's going on with Maverick? First he
forgets how many houses he owns and then he finds a running mate more
obscure than Oulan Bator and further to the right of the ancient ruler
of said region. Sarah Palin is kind of cute in a Tina Fey after several
cheeseburgers kind of way, and I'd love to party with the bird. Really,
Moose burgers, snow mobiles, hunting....sounds fun. The Pix just isn't
sure she, Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse and Roscoe are ready to break down NATO
treaties or lack thereof with Putin and DimitriMedvedev. Particularly
after she said she hasn't been really focused on "what's going on in
Iraq" and couldn't accept the nomination until "someone tells me exactly
what it is the Vice President does". The Pix isn't sure either, but it
has something to do with being ready on day 1 for something more than a
sewer zoning variance for the new town hockey rink. Just Sayin.
Then there's Trooper gate. For the sake of brevity, because this has
gone on much longer than the Pix had intended, she fired a state safety
official because he refused to fire a trooper who turned out to be
Palin's soon to be ex brother-in-law who was involved in a messy divorce
and custody suit with Palin's sister. Not to be confused with this
classic. "Um, He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's
brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid whose going
with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 flavors last night. I guess
it's pretty serious."
Anyhoo, the Pix....
Giants -4 over Skins.
NO -3 over TB.
Phi -7 over St Louis.
Jets -3 over Mia. You may have heard, the Jeets have new QB. More on
him next week.
Pats -16 over Kc.
Pitt -7 over Hous.
Cinmates even over Bal-a-mer.
Atlanta +3 over Det
Seattle even over Buff
Tenn +3 over Jax.
Dallas -4 over Cleve
Carolina +10 over Norvil and Ladudian
AZ -2 over SF
Chicago +10 over IND
GB -3 over Minn. This one's for the Walker boys. Who have had a tough
offseason.
Oak +3 over Donkeys
That's it. Pix week one is in the books. Next week...more jihad list
and futile attempts at sophomoric humor. Maybe some crude gender
related insults. In other words, more tradition.
As always, please feel free to reply to he Pix but never reply to all.
Fidelity doesn't like it and neither does the OC (Ovarian correspondent
for those who need a reminder). That's her domain. Enjoy the opening
weekend of NFL action. The Pix will be in the new official home with
official wife, children and friends with level 3 Pix clearance (anyone
with a 12 pack).
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