Happy holidays and New Year from the Pix. As we contemplate what 2013 may bring, the Pix has decided to unveil my micro and macro predictions for the coming annus mirabilis. Naturally, these predictions come with the full money back guarantee of your annual subscription price for the Pix. Which only one person has ever paid. A gin and tonic from Tom Erskine in 2009. Thanks Tom. As for the rest of you...get yourselves together. The Pix:
Vikings +3 over Pack. 2013 begins with the US gubmint sending us over the fiscal cliff.....followed by precisely nothing consequential happening. Congress and the President eventually reach a deal in mid January. Yawn. With the media having nothing new to hyperventilate over, a new and more troublesome problem emerges....the GeoThermal Hemorrhoid. Debates rage over whether the GTH is a result of global warming, kissing lesbians, or American Idol getting cancelled. Scholars and NASA ultimately conclude that is was a computer virus written by 6th graders who got sick of uploading Gangam style parodies to You Tube. The world breathes a sigh of relief. Stock in Preparation H plummets after increasing 5 fold between Martin Luther King day and the Toyotathon. White people rejoice that MLK day isn't cancelled and the lifts at Sugarloaf stay open.
Chiefs +16 at Donkeys. Mike Kryzewski succesfully (say that 10 times fast) sues the Pix over the name of my horse, "Mike Kryzewski is a douche bag". Pix changes name to Mike is a db. MIDB surprisingly wins the Kentucky Derby causing the web site IMDB to sue the Pix. Pix settles out of court but insists that IMDB gives Elizabeth Shue movies higher ratings and that any record of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" be removed. Forever.
Seattle -10 over Rams. After his epic run of success with hit tv show on the Food network, "Triple D", Guy Fieri pitches a new concept to the Food network called "Double D's" along with co-hosts Sophie Dee (google her, welcome back, thanking you for thanking Pix) and Anne Burrell. Ratings, unfortunately, begin to fall after writers run out of large round fruits to focus on and the show is relegated to the Cooking network which apparently nobody outside of Brooklyn gets.
Jets +3 at Bills. After nobody picks up Tim Tebow following his release from the LOL Jets, Timmeh joins the CFL. No, not Canada, the Christian Football League. Mega preacher and baked groundhog look alike Joel Osteen launches the CHFL in the summer of 2013. Tragedy and comedy ensue after the Charlotte Collection Plates run a cartoon of Tebow bowling over the prophet Muhammad. Chick fil-A founder and Collection Plate owner S. Truett Cathy is kidnapped and subsequently released by muslim employees who support gay marriage and irony. Cathy then cuts Tebow after he refuses to play on the punt team and is photo'd one too many times with his shirt off.
Bears -3 over Lions. "Serendipity 2" is the surprise box office hit of 2013. Quentin Tarantino rejuvenates the career of John Cusack who stars as Dug Cunningham, a frustrated venture capitalist who buys the Hostess corporation out of bankruptcy and patiently awaits for Apple to release the iTV and for marijuana to be legalized in all 50 states. Once this confluence of events occurs, our protagonist re-launches the Twinkie brand resulting in Hostess going public in an IPO that exceeds the market cap of Facebook and First Marblehead combined. In addition, Cusack shares a romantic scene with Helen Mirren resulting in an "UN" (unfortunate nudity) rating. Even stranger, Cusack attends the premier with Dorothy Hamel.
Ravens +3 over Bengals. Pix and the official wife briefly separate over what court documents refer to as "irreconcilable punctuality issues". The quirky couple reconcile after a chardonnay truck jack knives on the Lynnway and ESPN flexes a November Pats/Donkeys matchup to Monday Night, allowing the Pix to miss the C paddle away match at Dedham. Don't worry if you didn't get that joke....
Colts +7 over Texans. Anthony Bourdain discovers the Pix and launches a new show called "Shit Tons of Reservations". In the show, Tony, Pix and Russian sidekick Zamir travel to Portland, ME to take Zumba classes and investigate the mysterious 2010 fire that ruined the topless donut shop that used to be on the way to Will and Lexi's cabin. Pix leaves show after one episode citing lack of editorial control. Eventually, the truth emerges that Zamir preferred Meryl's tuna tatare to Pix's. (Which, despite being vaguely accurate, is not to be discussed in the presence of the Pix)
Washington -2 over Dallas. Despite no athlete ever coming out of the closet during their career in the Big 4 professional sports, openly gay players come out in all 4 sports in 2013. In fact, 2013 becomes the year that it officially becomes uncool to be straight. Alex Rodriguez begins the closet evacuation. Followed by Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Nick Swisher (what took you so long, Nick?), Breet, Lebron, The Montreal Canadiens, Dirty Sanchez, Dwight Howard, Ndomukong Suh, and in 2013's finest moment, the Women's Olympic handball team from the Netherlands.
That is all for now. The Pix Playoff Preview may or of course may not come out next week. My everybody have a safe New Year and thanks for reading the Pix in 2012.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Positive Pix
As strange as it may seem, the Pix is having a hard time with the formula this week, because the Patriots still have the Pix dancing down the street, and the family has a brunch reservation at 5 Corners on Sunday (eggs benedict with pastrami). Just can't get the angst fired up like normal. So let's not try to fight it. Allow myself to introduce myself......to Positive Pix.
Colts +11 over Texans. Thanks to the Texans for starting everyone's week off on the right foot. They were even thoughtful enough to be out of the game by halftime in order to allow those of us who need to be asleep earlier than midnight to retire. The Pix would also like to thank all those who have sent holiday cards to chateaux Pix....ensuring that once again I get to spend $300+ on cardboard pictures of my kids that everyone has already seen on facebook and go through the process of addressing a thousand cards and mailing at $.45 a pop. The Pix loves supporting the USPS. Thanks everyone. So pleasing.
Ravens -2 over Donkeys. The Pix would also like to thank the NHL owners and players for unburdening the Pix from having too many viewing options on television. Thanks to the NHL lockout, the Pix has been able to spend some quality time with shows like the X factor and Houseskanks of the NBA. Merry Christmas NHL.
Packers -3 over Bears. And thanks to the lovely young mother of the two kids fighting over an iPhone in the 8 items or less checkout line last evening at Crosby's. Your inability to find your checkbook in your oversized back pack followed by the 10 minutes it took you to write the check and send your kid back to your car to look for your license so the overwhelmed clerk could verify your check gave the Pix a chance to practice my deep breathing exercises. The serene tranquility of Crosby's 8 items or less check out line at 5:pm on a Thursday is the optimal place to take stock of one's good fortune. The Pix was positively glowing with goodwill toward man at that moment. Thank you check writing young mother. Thank you.
Seahawks -5 at Bills. And don't you go anywhere Red Sox management. The Pix needs to thank you profusely for allowing me to already make my summer plans. Seriously, Shane Victorino and Ryan Dempster are just the pieces the Sox need to get them back last place. Thanks to the Bruins and Red Sox both forfeiting their 2013 season's, the Pix can cancel NESN and take the whole family to UNO's where every Tuesday kids eat for 1/2 price. UNO's is the best.
Cowboys -1 over Steelers. In addition, the Pix would like to thank Big Ben and the Steelers for beating the Ravens and then losing to the lol Chargers. Ben certainly seems to have changed his ways this year. No rape charges or anything. Here's hoping 2013 will be assault and sexually violent offense free! Keep up the good work Benjamin!
Titans -1 over roflmao Jets. How about those NFL schedule makers? As the league surely must have known, the Monday night before Christmas can be a hectic time where last minute shopping is sometimes necessary. Thanks for giving us a game that there is absolutely no need to watch nor even check the score. More time for answering my kids' letters to Santa and coming up with zany and hilarious ways to hide the "elf on the shelf". Rather than curling up in front of the fire with some refreshing deliciousness....watching, say, a relevant football game, the Pix can rearrange my underwear drawer and engage in some light banter with the official wife. Good times.
49ers +5 over Patriots. And lest the Pix forget, Pix would like to thank the Pix for scheduling my annual physical 2 days after an 8 day bender following Thanksgiving and a 5 day deer hunting trip. The nurse never laughed as she did after taking Pix' blood pressure. She then noted the hilarity that she had never seen someone gain so much weight in just one year. We had quite the chuckle. And when the Pix told the good Dr. that I had unilaterally stopped taking the blood pressure medication he had prescribed back in August because of an article I read on The Onion, we needed extra hands for all the high fives that were going around. Hard to beat some good old Dr./patient hijinks. Those Docs love to get second guessed from medical experts like the Pix.
So enjoy the games this weekend everyone.
Happy Holidays.
The real Pix returns next week.
Colts +11 over Texans. Thanks to the Texans for starting everyone's week off on the right foot. They were even thoughtful enough to be out of the game by halftime in order to allow those of us who need to be asleep earlier than midnight to retire. The Pix would also like to thank all those who have sent holiday cards to chateaux Pix....ensuring that once again I get to spend $300+ on cardboard pictures of my kids that everyone has already seen on facebook and go through the process of addressing a thousand cards and mailing at $.45 a pop. The Pix loves supporting the USPS. Thanks everyone. So pleasing.
Ravens -2 over Donkeys. The Pix would also like to thank the NHL owners and players for unburdening the Pix from having too many viewing options on television. Thanks to the NHL lockout, the Pix has been able to spend some quality time with shows like the X factor and Houseskanks of the NBA. Merry Christmas NHL.
Packers -3 over Bears. And thanks to the lovely young mother of the two kids fighting over an iPhone in the 8 items or less checkout line last evening at Crosby's. Your inability to find your checkbook in your oversized back pack followed by the 10 minutes it took you to write the check and send your kid back to your car to look for your license so the overwhelmed clerk could verify your check gave the Pix a chance to practice my deep breathing exercises. The serene tranquility of Crosby's 8 items or less check out line at 5:pm on a Thursday is the optimal place to take stock of one's good fortune. The Pix was positively glowing with goodwill toward man at that moment. Thank you check writing young mother. Thank you.
Seahawks -5 at Bills. And don't you go anywhere Red Sox management. The Pix needs to thank you profusely for allowing me to already make my summer plans. Seriously, Shane Victorino and Ryan Dempster are just the pieces the Sox need to get them back last place. Thanks to the Bruins and Red Sox both forfeiting their 2013 season's, the Pix can cancel NESN and take the whole family to UNO's where every Tuesday kids eat for 1/2 price. UNO's is the best.
Cowboys -1 over Steelers. In addition, the Pix would like to thank Big Ben and the Steelers for beating the Ravens and then losing to the lol Chargers. Ben certainly seems to have changed his ways this year. No rape charges or anything. Here's hoping 2013 will be assault and sexually violent offense free! Keep up the good work Benjamin!
Titans -1 over roflmao Jets. How about those NFL schedule makers? As the league surely must have known, the Monday night before Christmas can be a hectic time where last minute shopping is sometimes necessary. Thanks for giving us a game that there is absolutely no need to watch nor even check the score. More time for answering my kids' letters to Santa and coming up with zany and hilarious ways to hide the "elf on the shelf". Rather than curling up in front of the fire with some refreshing deliciousness....watching, say, a relevant football game, the Pix can rearrange my underwear drawer and engage in some light banter with the official wife. Good times.
49ers +5 over Patriots. And lest the Pix forget, Pix would like to thank the Pix for scheduling my annual physical 2 days after an 8 day bender following Thanksgiving and a 5 day deer hunting trip. The nurse never laughed as she did after taking Pix' blood pressure. She then noted the hilarity that she had never seen someone gain so much weight in just one year. We had quite the chuckle. And when the Pix told the good Dr. that I had unilaterally stopped taking the blood pressure medication he had prescribed back in August because of an article I read on The Onion, we needed extra hands for all the high fives that were going around. Hard to beat some good old Dr./patient hijinks. Those Docs love to get second guessed from medical experts like the Pix.
So enjoy the games this weekend everyone.
Happy Holidays.
The real Pix returns next week.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Facebelt
Big week in the NFL. Big. Pats/Texans, Bengals/Cowboys, Redskins/Ravens.....all big games. None bigger, however, than the Saturday night NBA matchup of the Celtics and Sixers. BOOM! This game is so big that the league moved it to 7:30....HELLO. Not doing it for you? Then you must not be sitting in seat FLR 6 AA. Right next to the official 7 year old son of the Pix. Oh, well.....Sometimes you are the windshield and sometimes you are the bug. The Pix:
Philly +9 over TB. Vegas needs to settle down a little here. Yes, the Eagles are struggling and yes the Bucs are scrappy.....but it's still TB vs the Ill-a-delph. By the way, has anyone seen that commercial they are running every 10 minutes about some ear wax removal system? The one where the dude sticks a q-tip from one side of his head to the other and then screams like he's getting castrated? Yeah, I bet that did hurt, pal....it's called a q-tip, not a spear. Are people really having a problem with this? Look, the Pix likes to use the back end of an empty pen cartridge and stir it up a bit as much as the next guy, but there's no need to hose down your ear canal with bilge cleaner. The Pix used to work with this fossil who would grow his pinky nail extra long and go panning for gold in the middle of a sales meeting, then ponder it like it held the meaning of the world in it's little waxy dead cell sphere. Anyhoo...
Cowboys +3 at Bengals. The Pix has recently had the pleasure of being the passenger in some newer vehicles. Pixie even sports a 2011 model himself. What doesn't please the Pix is the increasing impatience cars have these days with how long you are allowed in your seat without fastening the seat belt without air raid sirens going off. It's bad enough that evidently children have to be in car seats until they are 17, but steering wheels now blast your eyes with mace if you don't buckle up before you even get in the car. And is it just the Pix or are the garbage men getting away with a little here? These guys are allowed to hang off the side and/or straddle their sponge bob wreath they made at the dump while playing frisbee with Pix's trash can lids. Just seems a little unfair, that's all. Some people would like to be a chef for a day, or boat captain, or a SI swimsuit photographer....Pix just wants to hang off the garbage truck.
Washington -2.5 over Ravens. Love the wedding announcement in the Marblehead reporter yesterday, "Bogus-Centric" to wed. Stephanie Bogus, that is, of the Marblehead Boguses. "Hey Bill, didn't you hook up with that Bogus chick once?" Sorry, Pix a little punchy today. Best wishes to Ms. Bogus.
Chargers +7 at Steelers. Just because the Pix hopes the Turdburglar does get his aorta puntured by his rib....love the holidays, does the Pix. Bet the mail man does too. Bet he loves delivering 75 catalogues per week per household. Here's the list that came to the chateaux Pix just yesterday....Grow Toys, Mindware, REI, Sensational beginnings, Potttery Barn, Pottery Barn Kids, Pottery Barn Fossils, Solutions, Lands End, Brookstone, Crack Whore Geezers, Asian Milfs, and Frontgate. We get a Frontgate catalogue every day, which seems strange because we have never, nor will we ever, buy anything from Frontgate. Why? Because the Pix doesn't need a $3,000.00 lawn chair that makes strawberry daiquiris. Pix is funny like that. But you know what, Frontgate? A for effort.
Jets -3 over Slags. Um, never mind.
Miami +10 over 49ers. Why is the Pix cranky, you might be asking? Because Pixie had to drive through Salem today. Twice. If we could somehow air lift the center of Salem and put it in between Israel and Palestine we could save everyone lots of trouble.
Vagiants -5 over Saints. Sometimes the Pix reads about little misdemeanors on the internets and wonders how I didn't think of that first. But the bar has been raised, my friends. The bar has been raised.
http://gawker.com/5965966/california-couple-abducts-handyman-forces-him-to-do-home-repairs
Assuming you can open the link....how has the Pix not abducted his own handy man yet? And how much time does one get for this? Because if any sort of probation is involved.......local handi-men should be on the lookout for a middle aged incompetent football blog writer who may or may not need some help around the house. To say that the Pix is handi-challenged would be like saying Hellen Keller wasn't often picked first for dodgeball. Or Choir. Or sharpshooting. Or, well, you get the point. Pix isn't handy. The best part of the story isn't that they drove the handi hostage around to do work at other houses, but that they were still in the snack aisle of the handi-mart when they got arrested. Not that they were baked or anything. Funions, bugels, so MANY choices. And this didn't even happen in Florida. Just a delicious little piece of Americana right there.....
Texans +3 over Patriots. And the reverse jinx continues....Pix goes on Facebook once a week to alert my peeps to a new post. A few observations if the Pix may.....do the people who post 10 times a day know that they have a seriously disproportionate amount activity? Assuming self awareness isn't their thing. If you get a friend request from someone you have heard of, how long do you try to convince yourself you MIGHT know them before you punt? What are the chances you actually did know them, but you are a 45 year old self centered semi senile blog poseur? What about the 19 year old Russian nanny who just wants to meet new people, is she legit? Maybe she likes the 20 pounds the Pix has put on and pictures of all my kids? Chances? Yes? No? Maybe? And if you are over 40, and have over 1000 friends, do you really have any? Or have you just lived in lots of places? Or are you just an internet slut (gender neutral my "friends") who friend requests every person you meet from the person who works at the dmv to the neighbors who you speak to once a year? Just askin, not judgin....
Back to the Pats if you haven't been offended yet. Pix loves how the guru is playing the injury thing. Everyone knows Gronk is healthy and is just doing squats and practicing spikes for the playoffs. Pure genius. And Chandler Jones, according to Pix sources, is resting in Michael Jackson's hypobaric chamber visualizing speed rushes and strip sacks. Pleasing. Last week in Miami the Guru took Cutter and Mador out of the stands and slapped them on the right side of the line for the 4th quarter. Granted, they gave up a sack and two pressures but that was in the parking lot after the game.
On a more serious note, as the holidays approach and we consider the welfare of those less fortunate, let's keep the needy in our thoughts......The Jets, Derek Jeter's beer gut, A-fraud's hip, his other hip, handi-hostage, mail persons humping tons of catalogues, facebook addicts, and particularly those who can't find the seat belt buckle....they're screwed.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Enjoy the games.
Pix out.
Philly +9 over TB. Vegas needs to settle down a little here. Yes, the Eagles are struggling and yes the Bucs are scrappy.....but it's still TB vs the Ill-a-delph. By the way, has anyone seen that commercial they are running every 10 minutes about some ear wax removal system? The one where the dude sticks a q-tip from one side of his head to the other and then screams like he's getting castrated? Yeah, I bet that did hurt, pal....it's called a q-tip, not a spear. Are people really having a problem with this? Look, the Pix likes to use the back end of an empty pen cartridge and stir it up a bit as much as the next guy, but there's no need to hose down your ear canal with bilge cleaner. The Pix used to work with this fossil who would grow his pinky nail extra long and go panning for gold in the middle of a sales meeting, then ponder it like it held the meaning of the world in it's little waxy dead cell sphere. Anyhoo...
Cowboys +3 at Bengals. The Pix has recently had the pleasure of being the passenger in some newer vehicles. Pixie even sports a 2011 model himself. What doesn't please the Pix is the increasing impatience cars have these days with how long you are allowed in your seat without fastening the seat belt without air raid sirens going off. It's bad enough that evidently children have to be in car seats until they are 17, but steering wheels now blast your eyes with mace if you don't buckle up before you even get in the car. And is it just the Pix or are the garbage men getting away with a little here? These guys are allowed to hang off the side and/or straddle their sponge bob wreath they made at the dump while playing frisbee with Pix's trash can lids. Just seems a little unfair, that's all. Some people would like to be a chef for a day, or boat captain, or a SI swimsuit photographer....Pix just wants to hang off the garbage truck.
Washington -2.5 over Ravens. Love the wedding announcement in the Marblehead reporter yesterday, "Bogus-Centric" to wed. Stephanie Bogus, that is, of the Marblehead Boguses. "Hey Bill, didn't you hook up with that Bogus chick once?" Sorry, Pix a little punchy today. Best wishes to Ms. Bogus.
Chargers +7 at Steelers. Just because the Pix hopes the Turdburglar does get his aorta puntured by his rib....love the holidays, does the Pix. Bet the mail man does too. Bet he loves delivering 75 catalogues per week per household. Here's the list that came to the chateaux Pix just yesterday....Grow Toys, Mindware, REI, Sensational beginnings, Potttery Barn, Pottery Barn Kids, Pottery Barn Fossils, Solutions, Lands End, Brookstone, Crack Whore Geezers, Asian Milfs, and Frontgate. We get a Frontgate catalogue every day, which seems strange because we have never, nor will we ever, buy anything from Frontgate. Why? Because the Pix doesn't need a $3,000.00 lawn chair that makes strawberry daiquiris. Pix is funny like that. But you know what, Frontgate? A for effort.
Jets -3 over Slags. Um, never mind.
Miami +10 over 49ers. Why is the Pix cranky, you might be asking? Because Pixie had to drive through Salem today. Twice. If we could somehow air lift the center of Salem and put it in between Israel and Palestine we could save everyone lots of trouble.
Vagiants -5 over Saints. Sometimes the Pix reads about little misdemeanors on the internets and wonders how I didn't think of that first. But the bar has been raised, my friends. The bar has been raised.
http://gawker.com/5965966/california-couple-abducts-handyman-forces-him-to-do-home-repairs
Assuming you can open the link....how has the Pix not abducted his own handy man yet? And how much time does one get for this? Because if any sort of probation is involved.......local handi-men should be on the lookout for a middle aged incompetent football blog writer who may or may not need some help around the house. To say that the Pix is handi-challenged would be like saying Hellen Keller wasn't often picked first for dodgeball. Or Choir. Or sharpshooting. Or, well, you get the point. Pix isn't handy. The best part of the story isn't that they drove the handi hostage around to do work at other houses, but that they were still in the snack aisle of the handi-mart when they got arrested. Not that they were baked or anything. Funions, bugels, so MANY choices. And this didn't even happen in Florida. Just a delicious little piece of Americana right there.....
Texans +3 over Patriots. And the reverse jinx continues....Pix goes on Facebook once a week to alert my peeps to a new post. A few observations if the Pix may.....do the people who post 10 times a day know that they have a seriously disproportionate amount activity? Assuming self awareness isn't their thing. If you get a friend request from someone you have heard of, how long do you try to convince yourself you MIGHT know them before you punt? What are the chances you actually did know them, but you are a 45 year old self centered semi senile blog poseur? What about the 19 year old Russian nanny who just wants to meet new people, is she legit? Maybe she likes the 20 pounds the Pix has put on and pictures of all my kids? Chances? Yes? No? Maybe? And if you are over 40, and have over 1000 friends, do you really have any? Or have you just lived in lots of places? Or are you just an internet slut (gender neutral my "friends") who friend requests every person you meet from the person who works at the dmv to the neighbors who you speak to once a year? Just askin, not judgin....
Back to the Pats if you haven't been offended yet. Pix loves how the guru is playing the injury thing. Everyone knows Gronk is healthy and is just doing squats and practicing spikes for the playoffs. Pure genius. And Chandler Jones, according to Pix sources, is resting in Michael Jackson's hypobaric chamber visualizing speed rushes and strip sacks. Pleasing. Last week in Miami the Guru took Cutter and Mador out of the stands and slapped them on the right side of the line for the 4th quarter. Granted, they gave up a sack and two pressures but that was in the parking lot after the game.
On a more serious note, as the holidays approach and we consider the welfare of those less fortunate, let's keep the needy in our thoughts......The Jets, Derek Jeter's beer gut, A-fraud's hip, his other hip, handi-hostage, mail persons humping tons of catalogues, facebook addicts, and particularly those who can't find the seat belt buckle....they're screwed.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Enjoy the games.
Pix out.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Turkey and Humble Pie
So let's not waste any time this week and just get right to the business of breaking down the planet Pix style. Assad shut down the Syrian internets yesterday, our Congress seems unable or unwilling to begin progress addressing the fiscal cliff, and Lindsay Lohan was arrested again Wednesday night for punching another bird in the beak. In less surprising news, the Pix failed to win 575 million dollars at power ball. Unfortunate. Although, given that the Mayans have foretold the end of mankind on December 21, even if the Pix hired Lenny Dykstra and Curt Shilling to manage the money while partying with Mike Tyson and Antoine Walker in Vegas, it would be difficult to blow that kind of glue in just four weeks. The Pix feels sorry that the Power-ball winners will have such little time to enjoy their cash.
All of those stories fail to move the needle, however, compared to running gong show in Jersey. The Pix refers, of course, to the 2012 New York Jets. The good people who make Cialis might warn of 4 hour erections (and the potential adverse effects of said condition), but there is no way to prepare for the 5 day missile the Pix sported in his nether region after the beat down that the Patriots put on the Jets last Thursday. For the sake of Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh, Jesus, Lombardi and Brad Lord, the Jets should really just do the right thing and resign from the league. Honestly, like just quit. Save face. We even forced that Jersey retard fossil "fireman Ed" into retirement. Granted, his 15 minutes were up a decade ago, but after reaching the AFC championship game 2 years in a row, you had to figure (if you were a Jets fan) that at the very least you could look forward to a modest yet semi-respectable Bengal type existence. At least for a COUPLE of years. Instead, the Guru reloads and puts a .38 caliber slug right in your temple. DAYUM....
That..
Just.....
Happened.....
If Hurricane Sandy was the fist for the New York/Jersey region, the Jets are the decided and prolonged lack of lube.
The Pix:
Bears -4 over Seattle. The Pix has been in the woods for the past week and has had very little time to read the news, but why were the Seahawks db's not suspended? Moving on....
Houston -6 at Titans. The Pix doesn't know much about computers, but the iPad mini just doesn't seem like it makes sense at all. If anything, the Pix would prefer a larger tablet. Call it the iPad Maxi. Or Maxi pad. Wait, scratch that.
Bills -6 over Slaguars. So, it's been a big week for drugs in sports. Brandon Marshall says players are taking viagra, several players suspended for Adderall, and the Honey Badger signed up for the NFL draft. Honey Badger won the award for best defensive player in college football last year and then proceeded to puff himself out of the game by burning more tree than Bob Marley. The Pix' question is, so what? Obviously, weed is not a performance enhancer....unless you think snacking on Oreos and playing X box makes you run faster. And given that 98% of the NBA is ripping bingos as the Pix types these words, one could reasonably expect that other sports could adopt a saner approach to glaucoma cures. Pix would love to see the Honey Badger don the flying Elvis in 2013.
Arizona +5 over Jets. Just wondering.....out of the 60,000 fans at the Meadowlands, can anyone else fill in for "Fireman Ed"? Here is the one requirement: You must be able to spell J-E-T-S. Let's hope they can find someone before Sunday.
SF -7 at Rams. The Pix is very conflicted about Jim Harbaugh. When he was the QB for the Bears and Colts, he was a scrappy underdog. When he took the Stanford job, he was the the likable kid trying to compete with big brothers USC and Oregon. Then he took over a moribund 49er franchise that had been churning through coaches faster than Rex Ryan goes through his wife's sock drawer. What confuses the Pix is that the moment he started to have any success in the NFL he instantly morphed into a completely insufferable PUTZ. The Pix doesn't have a joke here....just an observation.
Bengals -1 at Chargers. The Pix finally had a lingering and bothersome question answered this week....what is the name of the fat kid on that tv show I never watch that I want to punch in the face so badly? Introducing Angus T. Jones...perhaps the least self aware human in the world. Huge surprise to the Pix that religion was behind Angus' retarded rant. Shocker. Evidently, the minister who inspired Angus is a gay bashing conspiracy theorist who thinks cannibals are on the verge of taking over New York City. Although, technically, if Rex chews his bird's foot off, he may have a point. What baffles the Pix more than anything is that Two and a half Men has been on television for 10 years. There's something very wrong with the universe if Hogan's Heroes only makes it 6 seasons, The Rockford Files 5, and Joanie Loves Chachi only 2. Doesn't. Make. Sense. Not to mention that Erin Moran is now a homeless crack ho and Angus T. pulls in 330 large per episode. Oh, the Humanity.
Dolphins +9 over Patriots. Please, don't think it has gone unnoticed that the winning formula of the Pix betting against the Pats has resulted in their 5 game winning streak. As usual, the men of Belichick are peaking as the second half of the season progresses. Predictably, Uwana M'diq has tightened up the secondary and the Patriot's defense is turning the ball over in a consistently pleasing fashion. It says here the Taliban has a pick 6 this week. And good friend Mador will be our embedded reporter in Miami on Sunday representing the 781.
That is it and that is all for the Pix this week. A little longer than usual to make up for last week's bagel. Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Pix out
All of those stories fail to move the needle, however, compared to running gong show in Jersey. The Pix refers, of course, to the 2012 New York Jets. The good people who make Cialis might warn of 4 hour erections (and the potential adverse effects of said condition), but there is no way to prepare for the 5 day missile the Pix sported in his nether region after the beat down that the Patriots put on the Jets last Thursday. For the sake of Jehovah, Allah, Yahweh, Jesus, Lombardi and Brad Lord, the Jets should really just do the right thing and resign from the league. Honestly, like just quit. Save face. We even forced that Jersey retard fossil "fireman Ed" into retirement. Granted, his 15 minutes were up a decade ago, but after reaching the AFC championship game 2 years in a row, you had to figure (if you were a Jets fan) that at the very least you could look forward to a modest yet semi-respectable Bengal type existence. At least for a COUPLE of years. Instead, the Guru reloads and puts a .38 caliber slug right in your temple. DAYUM....
That..
Just.....
Happened.....
If Hurricane Sandy was the fist for the New York/Jersey region, the Jets are the decided and prolonged lack of lube.
The Pix:
Bears -4 over Seattle. The Pix has been in the woods for the past week and has had very little time to read the news, but why were the Seahawks db's not suspended? Moving on....
Houston -6 at Titans. The Pix doesn't know much about computers, but the iPad mini just doesn't seem like it makes sense at all. If anything, the Pix would prefer a larger tablet. Call it the iPad Maxi. Or Maxi pad. Wait, scratch that.
Bills -6 over Slaguars. So, it's been a big week for drugs in sports. Brandon Marshall says players are taking viagra, several players suspended for Adderall, and the Honey Badger signed up for the NFL draft. Honey Badger won the award for best defensive player in college football last year and then proceeded to puff himself out of the game by burning more tree than Bob Marley. The Pix' question is, so what? Obviously, weed is not a performance enhancer....unless you think snacking on Oreos and playing X box makes you run faster. And given that 98% of the NBA is ripping bingos as the Pix types these words, one could reasonably expect that other sports could adopt a saner approach to glaucoma cures. Pix would love to see the Honey Badger don the flying Elvis in 2013.
Arizona +5 over Jets. Just wondering.....out of the 60,000 fans at the Meadowlands, can anyone else fill in for "Fireman Ed"? Here is the one requirement: You must be able to spell J-E-T-S. Let's hope they can find someone before Sunday.
SF -7 at Rams. The Pix is very conflicted about Jim Harbaugh. When he was the QB for the Bears and Colts, he was a scrappy underdog. When he took the Stanford job, he was the the likable kid trying to compete with big brothers USC and Oregon. Then he took over a moribund 49er franchise that had been churning through coaches faster than Rex Ryan goes through his wife's sock drawer. What confuses the Pix is that the moment he started to have any success in the NFL he instantly morphed into a completely insufferable PUTZ. The Pix doesn't have a joke here....just an observation.
Bengals -1 at Chargers. The Pix finally had a lingering and bothersome question answered this week....what is the name of the fat kid on that tv show I never watch that I want to punch in the face so badly? Introducing Angus T. Jones...perhaps the least self aware human in the world. Huge surprise to the Pix that religion was behind Angus' retarded rant. Shocker. Evidently, the minister who inspired Angus is a gay bashing conspiracy theorist who thinks cannibals are on the verge of taking over New York City. Although, technically, if Rex chews his bird's foot off, he may have a point. What baffles the Pix more than anything is that Two and a half Men has been on television for 10 years. There's something very wrong with the universe if Hogan's Heroes only makes it 6 seasons, The Rockford Files 5, and Joanie Loves Chachi only 2. Doesn't. Make. Sense. Not to mention that Erin Moran is now a homeless crack ho and Angus T. pulls in 330 large per episode. Oh, the Humanity.
Dolphins +9 over Patriots. Please, don't think it has gone unnoticed that the winning formula of the Pix betting against the Pats has resulted in their 5 game winning streak. As usual, the men of Belichick are peaking as the second half of the season progresses. Predictably, Uwana M'diq has tightened up the secondary and the Patriot's defense is turning the ball over in a consistently pleasing fashion. It says here the Taliban has a pick 6 this week. And good friend Mador will be our embedded reporter in Miami on Sunday representing the 781.
That is it and that is all for the Pix this week. A little longer than usual to make up for last week's bagel. Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Pix out
Friday, November 16, 2012
General Nonsense
The internets have been busy this week. It appears that the former head of the Culinary Institute of America had gay sex with Elmo, Rapelisburger almost died due to a sore shoulder, Yobama wants to give ice cream to lots of Mexicans, and Phil Jackson wants to be made emperor of Los Angeles......or else. Lots to break down......let's get to it. The Pix:
Dallas -7 over Cleveland. CNN reported yesterday that people are suing the makers of 5 HOUR ENERGY. Apparently, drinking shit tons of caffeine can have adverse side effects. In other breaking news, drinking water may hydrate you and 3 glasses of chardonnay may make your bird somewhat more affectionate (Happy Birthday to the official wife). Seriously, to imply that there is causality between drinking 5 hour energy and 13 people dying in the past 4 years is a little bit of a stretch, no? Don't lots of people die?Like all the time? CEO Manoj Bhargava thinks so.....then again, if you are paying 5 bucks for a tablespoon of caffeine at 7-11 made by Manoj Bhargava because you are drowsy......you just might be a reTARD. In other news, the Pix would like America to just settle down. Too many people running around and needing more energy. Allow the Pix to present a new product to the marketplace. 5 HOUR LETHARGY. Or as the good people of Colorado call it......weed.
Rams -3 over Jets. It is now coming out that several of Tim Jebow's team mates think he "stinks", or "can't play"...and "is terrible". Well, then. Somehow it's just not that much fun hazing the Jets when they are making fun of themselves. How about the Jets players stick to sucking and leave the jokes to the Pix? Mkay? Great, thanks, good talk.
Slaguars +98 vs Texans. The Pix read this morning that Hostess is filing for chapter 11 and is laying off all its employees. Normally the Pix doesn't like to get involved in labor disputes, but the reason Hostess is closing their doors is due to a strike. This is just a hunch, but perhaps the good employees of the Hostess Company have miscalculated the global demand for Wonder Bread? Just sayin'.
Cardinals +10 vs Falcons. So US soccer goalie Hope Solo married rapist booze bag woman batterer Jerramy Stevens yesterday. One day after Jerramy was arrested for assaulting her. As most readers know, the Pix is reluctant to give marital advice.....but here's a little for the future ex Mrs. Stevens......Get. The HELL. OUT. Aside from being unable to spell Jeremy, Jerramy Stevens has a rap sheet that makes the Turd Burglar look like Mitt Romney. Seriously, look this guy up on the Google. Biggest douche bag ever. The Pix has always thought Hope Solo is a pretentious stain, but marrying JERRAMY is just beyond unfortunate. Hope Solo? Hopeless Duo.
Ravens -4 over Steelers. Speaking of 2 time rapists, the Turd Burglar is at it again. The Pix has been watching Rapelisburger fake and exaggerate injuries for too many years to take this pu**y seriously any more. Last week against the Chiefs, Big Turd got some sand in his vagina and he now says he could have died. Apparently he had a rib poke his ovaries and he has a bruised wing too. Whatever. The Steeler slurpers at gay-spn will talk about what a tough guy he is when he comes back next week. Then again, the Pix doesn't expect much from an network that devotes 50% of their coverage to a back up quarterback who plays on the punt team.
Skins -3 over Eagles. So General Betray-us had a bit of a problem keeping his tent pole in his trousers. Yawn. A quick perusal of the google images reveals all we need to know about this sordid (predictable) affair. Holly Petraeus isn't exactly "Miss Kandahar" and the bird who spent 2 years worshipping the General and writing his biography was available. That is it and that is all. Really, Generals are vain and susceptible to flattery? NO!!! The Pix' favorite part of this developing story is this Jill Kelly bird. Love her. Every picture of her on the internets has her posing with her head thrown diagonally into the neck of whatever dude she is trying to shag. Charo was more subtle, and her catch phrase was "cuchi cuchi".
Colts +10 over Pats. If you listened to the Pix last week, and I know you did, you were told to take Buffalo and the points. Other than adding Uliq M'diq to the roster, not much else has changed. The guru seems intent on letting opposing quarterbacks sit in the pocket for an oil change while the secondary defends like a loose stool. Did that make sense? No? Um.....what the Pix is trying to say is that if I have to watch another 4th quarter come back at Foxboro led by the likes of Bobby Thigpen, Ryan Fitzpatrick and/or Marc Wilson the Pix is going to take multiple hostages.....and lock them in a room with the dude who plays Elmo, General Cheatraeus, Jerramy, and the Turd. That is all.
Lastly, again, happy birthday to the insanely wonderful official wife. The Pix is reminded of a quote from Jerry Maguire, "You don't know what is like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up at dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?"
The Pix knows it takes (now from "American President") an advanced degree in relationships to live with el Pixie. Up at dawn siege? Yes, yes it is. So here's a shout out to the Dayesy. The official wife. The most tolerant person on earth. The best mother and wife ever. I love you.
Pix Out
(or is he in?)
Dallas -7 over Cleveland. CNN reported yesterday that people are suing the makers of 5 HOUR ENERGY. Apparently, drinking shit tons of caffeine can have adverse side effects. In other breaking news, drinking water may hydrate you and 3 glasses of chardonnay may make your bird somewhat more affectionate (Happy Birthday to the official wife). Seriously, to imply that there is causality between drinking 5 hour energy and 13 people dying in the past 4 years is a little bit of a stretch, no? Don't lots of people die?Like all the time? CEO Manoj Bhargava thinks so.....then again, if you are paying 5 bucks for a tablespoon of caffeine at 7-11 made by Manoj Bhargava because you are drowsy......you just might be a reTARD. In other news, the Pix would like America to just settle down. Too many people running around and needing more energy. Allow the Pix to present a new product to the marketplace. 5 HOUR LETHARGY. Or as the good people of Colorado call it......weed.
Rams -3 over Jets. It is now coming out that several of Tim Jebow's team mates think he "stinks", or "can't play"...and "is terrible". Well, then. Somehow it's just not that much fun hazing the Jets when they are making fun of themselves. How about the Jets players stick to sucking and leave the jokes to the Pix? Mkay? Great, thanks, good talk.
Slaguars +98 vs Texans. The Pix read this morning that Hostess is filing for chapter 11 and is laying off all its employees. Normally the Pix doesn't like to get involved in labor disputes, but the reason Hostess is closing their doors is due to a strike. This is just a hunch, but perhaps the good employees of the Hostess Company have miscalculated the global demand for Wonder Bread? Just sayin'.
Cardinals +10 vs Falcons. So US soccer goalie Hope Solo married rapist booze bag woman batterer Jerramy Stevens yesterday. One day after Jerramy was arrested for assaulting her. As most readers know, the Pix is reluctant to give marital advice.....but here's a little for the future ex Mrs. Stevens......Get. The HELL. OUT. Aside from being unable to spell Jeremy, Jerramy Stevens has a rap sheet that makes the Turd Burglar look like Mitt Romney. Seriously, look this guy up on the Google. Biggest douche bag ever. The Pix has always thought Hope Solo is a pretentious stain, but marrying JERRAMY is just beyond unfortunate. Hope Solo? Hopeless Duo.
Ravens -4 over Steelers. Speaking of 2 time rapists, the Turd Burglar is at it again. The Pix has been watching Rapelisburger fake and exaggerate injuries for too many years to take this pu**y seriously any more. Last week against the Chiefs, Big Turd got some sand in his vagina and he now says he could have died. Apparently he had a rib poke his ovaries and he has a bruised wing too. Whatever. The Steeler slurpers at gay-spn will talk about what a tough guy he is when he comes back next week. Then again, the Pix doesn't expect much from an network that devotes 50% of their coverage to a back up quarterback who plays on the punt team.
Skins -3 over Eagles. So General Betray-us had a bit of a problem keeping his tent pole in his trousers. Yawn. A quick perusal of the google images reveals all we need to know about this sordid (predictable) affair. Holly Petraeus isn't exactly "Miss Kandahar" and the bird who spent 2 years worshipping the General and writing his biography was available. That is it and that is all. Really, Generals are vain and susceptible to flattery? NO!!! The Pix' favorite part of this developing story is this Jill Kelly bird. Love her. Every picture of her on the internets has her posing with her head thrown diagonally into the neck of whatever dude she is trying to shag. Charo was more subtle, and her catch phrase was "cuchi cuchi".
Colts +10 over Pats. If you listened to the Pix last week, and I know you did, you were told to take Buffalo and the points. Other than adding Uliq M'diq to the roster, not much else has changed. The guru seems intent on letting opposing quarterbacks sit in the pocket for an oil change while the secondary defends like a loose stool. Did that make sense? No? Um.....what the Pix is trying to say is that if I have to watch another 4th quarter come back at Foxboro led by the likes of Bobby Thigpen, Ryan Fitzpatrick and/or Marc Wilson the Pix is going to take multiple hostages.....and lock them in a room with the dude who plays Elmo, General Cheatraeus, Jerramy, and the Turd. That is all.
Lastly, again, happy birthday to the insanely wonderful official wife. The Pix is reminded of a quote from Jerry Maguire, "You don't know what is like to be ME out here for YOU. It is an up at dawn, pride-swallowing siege that I will never fully tell you about, ok?"
The Pix knows it takes (now from "American President") an advanced degree in relationships to live with el Pixie. Up at dawn siege? Yes, yes it is. So here's a shout out to the Dayesy. The official wife. The most tolerant person on earth. The best mother and wife ever. I love you.
Pix Out
(or is he in?)
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Playoff Pixapalooza
So 2013 has begun and there are obviously many interesting stories to blog about. Liestrong's two decade fraud, Manti Gay'O and his fake girlfriend, Rex Ryan's bizarre tattoo, Gerard Depardieu's citizenship issues.....many options. But the Pix doesn't want to pick the low hanging fruit. No sophomoric jokes and childish word play. For once the Pix wants to tackle the serious news. The story too grizzly for the main stream media. So lock your doors and windows, hide the kids and crate the pets......it's about to get real in the Pix hizzouse. The Pix refers, of course, to today's rumor that Tiger and Elin are considering getting remarried.
According to the Daily Mail of London, Tiger has proposed to the husband beater and even has offered a 200 million dollar prenuptial cheating clause. This, of course, is a travesty. Like most victims of domestic violence, Tiger doesn't seem able to cut the cord with his attacker. Stockholm syndrome? Perhaps.....but the Pix think Tiger's self esteem issues go deeper and could be the result of years of verbal (have you ever heard someone speak Swedish? Painful, it's worse than listening to Mike Tyson sing) as well as physical abuse.
The Pix, of course, does not condone Tiger's wanderings. To be sure, he was quite mischievous and his moral compass lacked a little mercury. But as the official mother taught the Pix, violence is never the answer. And two wrongs don't make a right. The fact that Tiger refused to prosecute after the night of his "accident" is suspicious, and it is obvious that Elin is intimidating Tiger back into her pale skinny arms. The Pix doesn't know what nefarious game Elin is playing here, but the Pix will be watching her......And her flaxen hair and giant cans.
Speaking of harmonious marital relations, the Pix was amused this past weekend when he overheard the official wife make her bread choice in the sandwich line for lunch. After the Pix ordered the turkey and swiss wrap, the OW chimed in that she would also like turkey and swiss......on a baguette. Cringe, eye roll, sigh. People, there is a time and a place for a baguette....never and France. Baguette's are, on average, four inches tall. To add insult to injury, the poor delusional OW ordered lettuce and tomato....making the sandwich roughly as tall as a four month old Leonberger. (BTW, shouldn't Leonbergers be black? Sorry, that was raycess).
Here's the list of people who can eat an 8" high sandwich:
1. Mick Jagger
2. Tina Turner
3. Bigfoot
That's it, that's the list. So the official wife wrestles sandwichzilla for a few minutes before giving up and throwing out the baguette and asking for a wrap for her to attempt to surgically repair this disaster. The result was something that resembled Jackson Pollack's toilet paper. Poor thing....she did look hot in her new ski outfit though.
Quick Pix....or as Dan Shaughnessy would say, "picked up pieces while wondering if Mayor Menino has an IQ above 55?" (Answer, NO)
The Lance thing......the Pix doesn't give a flying bat sack about EPO, transfusions, etc. They were all cheating. But there should be a special place in hell for people who sue without merit and use their power to beat down folks who can't afford a legal battle. Despicable. Lance Ass-strong ruined people's lives and did so with malice of forethought. He should spend the rest of his life penniless and shamed beyond the ability to function. At the same time, give him back the 7 yellow jerseys. Those he did earn. Plus, the French are gay. And he essentially exchanged fame for going down in history as perhaps the worst human ever. That's the deal he made. Enjoy, Lance.
Ok.....Manti Gay'o and the techincolor dream girlfriend/beard. Sigh. The only thing the Pix knows about Catfish is that it should be lightly dredged in seasoned flour and fried in scent free oil. Like canola or grapeseed. Maybe serve with a lemon garlic aoli? Hmmm, yes, pleasing. Oh, and the Guru perpetrated this hoax all along so MAN loving 'TI slips in the draft and the Patriots have Stinkovich's replacement for the next decade.
Is it just the Pix, or are standard size Kleenex just a little thin and small for cold season? For starters, the Pix has an plus size beak, and depending on nostril hair maintenance, snot volume may or may not be contained by garden variety kleenex. Maybe Kleenex should follow Trojan's lead and come out with Kleenex Magnums? Lately, the Pix has been going the paper towel route, but unless the OW buys the pre-cut half size paper towels, Pixie tries to tear a towel in half and it ends up in the shape of Idaho. So you then wrap the skinny end above the beak and use the fat end for booger capture. Sub optimal.
Oh, um, 49ers 38, Dirty Birdz 24.
So Dunkin Donuts has unveiled a new breakfast sandwich featuring turkey sausage and egg whites. Idiots. There is only one authority on breakfast sandwiches and it is the Pix. There are only two Pix approved creations: the McDonalds sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit, and the sausage egg and cheese on croissant from DD (sesame bagel in an emergency or like if you are an astronaut in space and that's all NASA gave you). DD is touting their new breakfast turd claiming it has 400 calories. Memo to the marketing drones at DD, have you seen the fatties that eat fast food breakfast sandwiches? Do they look like calorie counters to you? Jillian Michaels isn't at the drive through crushing turkey sausage sandwiches. It is I, the Pix, who is hungover and in desperate need of my 710 calorie 51 grams of fat deliciousness bomb. The Pix has spoken.
Lastly, a little game the Pix likes to call the AFC championship game. While RAYSPN slurps the retiring double murder accomplice (allegedly), the Guru and Brady silently prepare their ambush. There's one thing that worries the Pix a little, though. God. Evidently he likes the Ravens. As Ray Lewis told Sal Palontonio after vanquishing perrenial playoff puking pussy Peyton, "No man can change what God has blessed". Yeesh, the Pix wishes I knew that before I wasted 4 hours watching one of best football games EVER. The outcome was pre-ordained by a higher power? Pix could have used that knowledge. Well, here's a little information for the dancing felon, Terrell Thuggs, Unibrow Flaccid and the rest of the Baltimore poseurs.....higher powers will, indeed be at work Sunday. They are called Brady, Welker, Solder, Hernandez, Wilfork, Mayo, Ninkovitch (ok, I admit it) and the GURU. Because Fraud week is over, people. Pats 31, Gayvens 24.
See you all Super Bowl week.
Pix out
According to the Daily Mail of London, Tiger has proposed to the husband beater and even has offered a 200 million dollar prenuptial cheating clause. This, of course, is a travesty. Like most victims of domestic violence, Tiger doesn't seem able to cut the cord with his attacker. Stockholm syndrome? Perhaps.....but the Pix think Tiger's self esteem issues go deeper and could be the result of years of verbal (have you ever heard someone speak Swedish? Painful, it's worse than listening to Mike Tyson sing) as well as physical abuse.
The Pix, of course, does not condone Tiger's wanderings. To be sure, he was quite mischievous and his moral compass lacked a little mercury. But as the official mother taught the Pix, violence is never the answer. And two wrongs don't make a right. The fact that Tiger refused to prosecute after the night of his "accident" is suspicious, and it is obvious that Elin is intimidating Tiger back into her pale skinny arms. The Pix doesn't know what nefarious game Elin is playing here, but the Pix will be watching her......And her flaxen hair and giant cans.
Speaking of harmonious marital relations, the Pix was amused this past weekend when he overheard the official wife make her bread choice in the sandwich line for lunch. After the Pix ordered the turkey and swiss wrap, the OW chimed in that she would also like turkey and swiss......on a baguette. Cringe, eye roll, sigh. People, there is a time and a place for a baguette....never and France. Baguette's are, on average, four inches tall. To add insult to injury, the poor delusional OW ordered lettuce and tomato....making the sandwich roughly as tall as a four month old Leonberger. (BTW, shouldn't Leonbergers be black? Sorry, that was raycess).
Here's the list of people who can eat an 8" high sandwich:
1. Mick Jagger
2. Tina Turner
3. Bigfoot
That's it, that's the list. So the official wife wrestles sandwichzilla for a few minutes before giving up and throwing out the baguette and asking for a wrap for her to attempt to surgically repair this disaster. The result was something that resembled Jackson Pollack's toilet paper. Poor thing....she did look hot in her new ski outfit though.
Quick Pix....or as Dan Shaughnessy would say, "picked up pieces while wondering if Mayor Menino has an IQ above 55?" (Answer, NO)
The Lance thing......the Pix doesn't give a flying bat sack about EPO, transfusions, etc. They were all cheating. But there should be a special place in hell for people who sue without merit and use their power to beat down folks who can't afford a legal battle. Despicable. Lance Ass-strong ruined people's lives and did so with malice of forethought. He should spend the rest of his life penniless and shamed beyond the ability to function. At the same time, give him back the 7 yellow jerseys. Those he did earn. Plus, the French are gay. And he essentially exchanged fame for going down in history as perhaps the worst human ever. That's the deal he made. Enjoy, Lance.
Ok.....Manti Gay'o and the techincolor dream girlfriend/beard. Sigh. The only thing the Pix knows about Catfish is that it should be lightly dredged in seasoned flour and fried in scent free oil. Like canola or grapeseed. Maybe serve with a lemon garlic aoli? Hmmm, yes, pleasing. Oh, and the Guru perpetrated this hoax all along so MAN loving 'TI slips in the draft and the Patriots have Stinkovich's replacement for the next decade.
Is it just the Pix, or are standard size Kleenex just a little thin and small for cold season? For starters, the Pix has an plus size beak, and depending on nostril hair maintenance, snot volume may or may not be contained by garden variety kleenex. Maybe Kleenex should follow Trojan's lead and come out with Kleenex Magnums? Lately, the Pix has been going the paper towel route, but unless the OW buys the pre-cut half size paper towels, Pixie tries to tear a towel in half and it ends up in the shape of Idaho. So you then wrap the skinny end above the beak and use the fat end for booger capture. Sub optimal.
Oh, um, 49ers 38, Dirty Birdz 24.
So Dunkin Donuts has unveiled a new breakfast sandwich featuring turkey sausage and egg whites. Idiots. There is only one authority on breakfast sandwiches and it is the Pix. There are only two Pix approved creations: the McDonalds sausage egg and cheese on a biscuit, and the sausage egg and cheese on croissant from DD (sesame bagel in an emergency or like if you are an astronaut in space and that's all NASA gave you). DD is touting their new breakfast turd claiming it has 400 calories. Memo to the marketing drones at DD, have you seen the fatties that eat fast food breakfast sandwiches? Do they look like calorie counters to you? Jillian Michaels isn't at the drive through crushing turkey sausage sandwiches. It is I, the Pix, who is hungover and in desperate need of my 710 calorie 51 grams of fat deliciousness bomb. The Pix has spoken.
Lastly, a little game the Pix likes to call the AFC championship game. While RAYSPN slurps the retiring double murder accomplice (allegedly), the Guru and Brady silently prepare their ambush. There's one thing that worries the Pix a little, though. God. Evidently he likes the Ravens. As Ray Lewis told Sal Palontonio after vanquishing perrenial playoff puking pussy Peyton, "No man can change what God has blessed". Yeesh, the Pix wishes I knew that before I wasted 4 hours watching one of best football games EVER. The outcome was pre-ordained by a higher power? Pix could have used that knowledge. Well, here's a little information for the dancing felon, Terrell Thuggs, Unibrow Flaccid and the rest of the Baltimore poseurs.....higher powers will, indeed be at work Sunday. They are called Brady, Welker, Solder, Hernandez, Wilfork, Mayo, Ninkovitch (ok, I admit it) and the GURU. Because Fraud week is over, people. Pats 31, Gayvens 24.
See you all Super Bowl week.
Pix out
Yawn
So the Pix has been enjoying his bye weeks while the rest of the country has been preoccupied with pedestrian matters like Frankenstorms and erections. Sorry, elections. Fortunately for the Pix and for the folks in general, nobody has taken to Facebook and spewed ignorant political diatribes about the outcome of the great erection. Sorry, election. All of the Facebook chatter has been reasonable and measured.....realizing that the two parties have far more in common both domestically and geopolitically than they have differences. Same foreign policy, same Fed Chairman, no changes thus far to taxes.....just equal rights for women, gays and stoners. So, in general, really no need to relocate to Canada or Israel. Ok, good talk.....
There has been, however, rhetoric in the sports world that makes the Pix want to take multiple hostages. The Pix refers, of course, to the Peyton Manning MVP chatter. So chicken neck has managed to stay upright and not throw THAT many interceptions vs. a schedule that is more feeble than 20th century France and once again Peter King and the rest of the hog sluts have broken out their knee pads and are slurping at the Manning altar. The Pix swears that if Breet came out of retirement the ESPN whores would be tripping over each other to see who could anoint St. Breet or St. Peyton or St. Jebow first. Is this 2005? Chicken neck gets picked off every time he lobs a one legged duck more than 20 yards down field. See Denver vs. Atlanta (where the real 2012 MVP is playing). Bringing Peyton's name into the MVP discussion at this point is as legitimate as saying Derek Jeter was this years world series MVP. Look, the Pix understands lifetime achievement awards, but enough is enough with the Mannings. Let them get their hand jobs at Mardi-Gras, but stay out of the MVP dialogue until maybe you can break into the top 20 of worthy candidates. Ok.......good talk.
The most important development in the NFL this past week, by far, was the Patriots trading a 4th round draft pick for Aqib Talib, the terrorist shut down corner formerly of the Tampa Bay Mujahideens. Less known were the secret efforts the Guru put forth to aqcuire M'balz es Hari, Haid D'Salaami, Hous Bin Pharteen and strong side linebacker I-Sheetz Mdrourz. The Pix can also now report that the Pats were in deep discussions to trade Stinkovich for special teams standouts Uliq M'diq, Uwana M'diq and Usuka M'diq. No truth to the rumors that Shane Vereen was almost traded for A-Wana-Fuqya and Mustaf-Herod-Apyur-Poupr. And, of course, a player to be named later. (Yes, the Pix completely ripped off the SNL skit.....wicked sorry).
The Pix:
Vagiants -4 over Stengals. The Pix saw a car last week with that gay bumper sticker from the 70's saying, "This car climbed Mt. Washington". Really? Your car went up a hill? The Pix then pulled up to the vehicle and asked, "Are you SERIOUS?!? YOUR CAR REALLY DID THAT??! YOU ARE SO BADASS!!!!" Then the Pix drove away.....
TB -3 at Chargers. If you are a 3 point dog to the Bucs at home there's just no way of avoiding the fact that you are.....and there's no other way to put this....bitches.
NO +3 over Falcons. Not for nothing, but this is where the undefeated season ends for the Freakniks. Google it. Welcome back.
Seattle -6 over Jets. Does this line seem small to you? It does to the Pix. This is exactly the type of game Dr Scholls and the Jeets actually win and draw back in the retarded Jet fans. Comedy. In other news, Mike Tannenbaum, the GM of the Jeets was so jealous that the Pats picked up Aqib Talib that he signed Jersey cab driver Graabir Boubi to the practice squad. Thanking you thanking the Pix.
Philly +2 over Dallas. Word out of the big D this past week was that Joan Rivers (I mean Jerry Jones) was accidentally locked out of the locker room following their loss the Freakniks. The Pix doesn't know much about running a billion dollar organization with 200+ employees.........but when they lock you out.........it MIGHT not be an accident.
Turds - infinity over Chefs. Speaking of Pittsburgh.....last week several Pitt Panthers were arrested for assault. Shocker, "student athletes" running afoul of the law. This, of course, is not news worthy in itslef. What grabbed the Pix' fancy was that apparently these student-athletes were on their way back from VAMPIRE class. Vampires......were they at Pitt, or Hogwarts??
Bills +11 at Pats. Sadly, the Pix isn't ready to trust the Pats yet. At least not until newly acquired Apul-Madeek-Aout joins the secondary. And then, well, expect explosive play. All common sense says that The Guru coming off a bye week with the Bills at home is as sure a thing as Chelsea Handler after her fifth martini. But let's face it, the 2012 Pats are still shaky. They should have lost to the Jets at home....so the Pix will take the 11 points. Ok? Ok......good talk.
Pix Out
There has been, however, rhetoric in the sports world that makes the Pix want to take multiple hostages. The Pix refers, of course, to the Peyton Manning MVP chatter. So chicken neck has managed to stay upright and not throw THAT many interceptions vs. a schedule that is more feeble than 20th century France and once again Peter King and the rest of the hog sluts have broken out their knee pads and are slurping at the Manning altar. The Pix swears that if Breet came out of retirement the ESPN whores would be tripping over each other to see who could anoint St. Breet or St. Peyton or St. Jebow first. Is this 2005? Chicken neck gets picked off every time he lobs a one legged duck more than 20 yards down field. See Denver vs. Atlanta (where the real 2012 MVP is playing). Bringing Peyton's name into the MVP discussion at this point is as legitimate as saying Derek Jeter was this years world series MVP. Look, the Pix understands lifetime achievement awards, but enough is enough with the Mannings. Let them get their hand jobs at Mardi-Gras, but stay out of the MVP dialogue until maybe you can break into the top 20 of worthy candidates. Ok.......good talk.
The most important development in the NFL this past week, by far, was the Patriots trading a 4th round draft pick for Aqib Talib, the terrorist shut down corner formerly of the Tampa Bay Mujahideens. Less known were the secret efforts the Guru put forth to aqcuire M'balz es Hari, Haid D'Salaami, Hous Bin Pharteen and strong side linebacker I-Sheetz Mdrourz. The Pix can also now report that the Pats were in deep discussions to trade Stinkovich for special teams standouts Uliq M'diq, Uwana M'diq and Usuka M'diq. No truth to the rumors that Shane Vereen was almost traded for A-Wana-Fuqya and Mustaf-Herod-Apyur-Poupr. And, of course, a player to be named later. (Yes, the Pix completely ripped off the SNL skit.....wicked sorry).
The Pix:
Vagiants -4 over Stengals. The Pix saw a car last week with that gay bumper sticker from the 70's saying, "This car climbed Mt. Washington". Really? Your car went up a hill? The Pix then pulled up to the vehicle and asked, "Are you SERIOUS?!? YOUR CAR REALLY DID THAT??! YOU ARE SO BADASS!!!!" Then the Pix drove away.....
TB -3 at Chargers. If you are a 3 point dog to the Bucs at home there's just no way of avoiding the fact that you are.....and there's no other way to put this....bitches.
NO +3 over Falcons. Not for nothing, but this is where the undefeated season ends for the Freakniks. Google it. Welcome back.
Seattle -6 over Jets. Does this line seem small to you? It does to the Pix. This is exactly the type of game Dr Scholls and the Jeets actually win and draw back in the retarded Jet fans. Comedy. In other news, Mike Tannenbaum, the GM of the Jeets was so jealous that the Pats picked up Aqib Talib that he signed Jersey cab driver Graabir Boubi to the practice squad. Thanking you thanking the Pix.
Philly +2 over Dallas. Word out of the big D this past week was that Joan Rivers (I mean Jerry Jones) was accidentally locked out of the locker room following their loss the Freakniks. The Pix doesn't know much about running a billion dollar organization with 200+ employees.........but when they lock you out.........it MIGHT not be an accident.
Turds - infinity over Chefs. Speaking of Pittsburgh.....last week several Pitt Panthers were arrested for assault. Shocker, "student athletes" running afoul of the law. This, of course, is not news worthy in itslef. What grabbed the Pix' fancy was that apparently these student-athletes were on their way back from VAMPIRE class. Vampires......were they at Pitt, or Hogwarts??
Bills +11 at Pats. Sadly, the Pix isn't ready to trust the Pats yet. At least not until newly acquired Apul-Madeek-Aout joins the secondary. And then, well, expect explosive play. All common sense says that The Guru coming off a bye week with the Bills at home is as sure a thing as Chelsea Handler after her fifth martini. But let's face it, the 2012 Pats are still shaky. They should have lost to the Jets at home....so the Pix will take the 11 points. Ok? Ok......good talk.
Pix Out
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Maine Lining
Once in a while the internets collide with the real world in a way that should be instructive for all who follow the ebb and flow of perception and reality. This was, if you ask the Pix, one of those weeks. While Romney and Obama droned on Tuesday night about taxes, Libya, unemployment, the deficit, immigration etc.....both candidates ignored a story that encompassed all of the above (with the possible exception of Libya).
The Pix refers, of course, to the injustice served in Kennebunkport ME where Zumba specialist and job creator Alexis Wright was arrested by the jackboot thugs of the local constabulary. By the way, according to the official Zumba website, Zumba is "an exhilarating, effective, easy to follow, Latin inspired, calorie burning dance-fitness party". Ay Carumba. Ms. Wright, a local entrepreneur and fitness enthusiast, was arrested and charged with (amongst other things) tomfoolery and ballyhoo. The Pix doesn't have time to right every wrong in the world, but when it comes to the fusion of latin inspired dance and men's health issues.....the Pix won't take it lying down. Or sitting in his car in a parking lot. Or on a massage table. Wait, what?
Anyhoo, it seems to the Pix that young Alexis is just the kind of constituent whom Mitts and Hussein purport to champion. A young woman trying to break through the ass (I mean glass) ceiling? Yes. A small business owner? Indeed. An immigrant who worked hard to gain citizenship the right way? Um, not sure, but she has a good tan. It seems to the Pix that as an amateur film maker AND tax paying member of the middle class, Lexi is a solar panel on her roof away from a million dollar subsidy from Yobama's green and pink jobs initiative.
The Pix is just confused by the governments's hypocrisy. Not since the unlawful incarceration of Pussy Riot, Flavor Flav, or Ghandi have the scales of justice been so off balance.
The Pix:
Texans -6 over Ravens. Speaking of Latin inspired dance, it's so sad to see double murder accomplice and dancing bear Ray Lewis out for the season. The Pix will miss trying to interpret Ray's pre-game rants. I usually average one word out of 5 if you count the dog barking.
Pack -6 over Rams. Aaron Rodgers is steadily becoming a favorite of the Pix. This week he called out Donkey Shannon Sharpe, who may be even harder to understand than Ray Lewis.
Titans +3 over Bills. True story, this week Uma Thurman and whoever she is married to released the name of their newborn daughter: Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman -Besson. No pretension there....."Better known to her friends and family as Luna. Each name has a special reason and meaning to her mother and father" Have fun filling out the SAT application Luna.....might want to grab an extra #2 pencil. And is "special meaning" to the parents a thing now? In that case, the Pix would like to announce the adoption of his new goldfish....Deliciousness Remote Control Steak BB Gun Brunch HBO Late Night Mimosa Case-Thurman. Just kidding, the Pix hates pets.
Cleveland +2 over Indy. When your most reliable winner vs. the spread is the Browns, you might be having an off season.
Giants-6 over Redskins. This just in.....the Vagiants are scary good. Not so good? A-Fraud and the Stankees. If there is a silver lining in the 2012 Red Sox season, it's watching with child like glee the emasculation that defined the Stankee post season. .188 at the plate. Runs scored in 3 out of 39 innings. A-roid trolling the stands for companionship. The Pix could write 5 posts alone on the schadenfreude champs of 2012. Perhaps a steady regime of Zumba would help them?
Patriots -10 over Jets. Just wondering......if you own 6 pairs of jeans but can only fit into 2, and you never even bother removing the assigned belt from either pair at night......time for some exercise? Anyone? Let's just move on....about the Patriots, there's something strangely fun about the Pat's 3-3 start. It's as if the Guru himself orchestrated this record. Losing 3 games by a combined 4 points, a rejuvenated ground attack, Stinkovich playing like he has a pulse.......all encouraging signs. And if you were to ask the average Pats fan.....they'll probably tell you we are all a little tired of winning Power Rankings in weeks 10-16 but no championships. And the Jets could not be arriving at a better time. No idea what Rex has been doing with his wife's feet, but he has been chewing on his own all week in the media. Pix Special.....Pats 41, Jets 12.
See you in Zumba class.
Pix out.
The Pix refers, of course, to the injustice served in Kennebunkport ME where Zumba specialist and job creator Alexis Wright was arrested by the jackboot thugs of the local constabulary. By the way, according to the official Zumba website, Zumba is "an exhilarating, effective, easy to follow, Latin inspired, calorie burning dance-fitness party". Ay Carumba. Ms. Wright, a local entrepreneur and fitness enthusiast, was arrested and charged with (amongst other things) tomfoolery and ballyhoo. The Pix doesn't have time to right every wrong in the world, but when it comes to the fusion of latin inspired dance and men's health issues.....the Pix won't take it lying down. Or sitting in his car in a parking lot. Or on a massage table. Wait, what?
Anyhoo, it seems to the Pix that young Alexis is just the kind of constituent whom Mitts and Hussein purport to champion. A young woman trying to break through the ass (I mean glass) ceiling? Yes. A small business owner? Indeed. An immigrant who worked hard to gain citizenship the right way? Um, not sure, but she has a good tan. It seems to the Pix that as an amateur film maker AND tax paying member of the middle class, Lexi is a solar panel on her roof away from a million dollar subsidy from Yobama's green and pink jobs initiative.
The Pix is just confused by the governments's hypocrisy. Not since the unlawful incarceration of Pussy Riot, Flavor Flav, or Ghandi have the scales of justice been so off balance.
The Pix:
Texans -6 over Ravens. Speaking of Latin inspired dance, it's so sad to see double murder accomplice and dancing bear Ray Lewis out for the season. The Pix will miss trying to interpret Ray's pre-game rants. I usually average one word out of 5 if you count the dog barking.
Pack -6 over Rams. Aaron Rodgers is steadily becoming a favorite of the Pix. This week he called out Donkey Shannon Sharpe, who may be even harder to understand than Ray Lewis.
Titans +3 over Bills. True story, this week Uma Thurman and whoever she is married to released the name of their newborn daughter: Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman -Besson. No pretension there....."Better known to her friends and family as Luna. Each name has a special reason and meaning to her mother and father" Have fun filling out the SAT application Luna.....might want to grab an extra #2 pencil. And is "special meaning" to the parents a thing now? In that case, the Pix would like to announce the adoption of his new goldfish....Deliciousness Remote Control Steak BB Gun Brunch HBO Late Night Mimosa Case-Thurman. Just kidding, the Pix hates pets.
Cleveland +2 over Indy. When your most reliable winner vs. the spread is the Browns, you might be having an off season.
Giants-6 over Redskins. This just in.....the Vagiants are scary good. Not so good? A-Fraud and the Stankees. If there is a silver lining in the 2012 Red Sox season, it's watching with child like glee the emasculation that defined the Stankee post season. .188 at the plate. Runs scored in 3 out of 39 innings. A-roid trolling the stands for companionship. The Pix could write 5 posts alone on the schadenfreude champs of 2012. Perhaps a steady regime of Zumba would help them?
Patriots -10 over Jets. Just wondering......if you own 6 pairs of jeans but can only fit into 2, and you never even bother removing the assigned belt from either pair at night......time for some exercise? Anyone? Let's just move on....about the Patriots, there's something strangely fun about the Pat's 3-3 start. It's as if the Guru himself orchestrated this record. Losing 3 games by a combined 4 points, a rejuvenated ground attack, Stinkovich playing like he has a pulse.......all encouraging signs. And if you were to ask the average Pats fan.....they'll probably tell you we are all a little tired of winning Power Rankings in weeks 10-16 but no championships. And the Jets could not be arriving at a better time. No idea what Rex has been doing with his wife's feet, but he has been chewing on his own all week in the media. Pix Special.....Pats 41, Jets 12.
See you in Zumba class.
Pix out.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Week whatever it is...
The Pix has been on the road quite a bit lately which means that several meals have been consumed in restaurant type places. As true Pix readers know, the Pix can be.........hard to please. Deliciousness must be delivered in a timely fashion, waitress attire should be appropriate, plates must be warmed or cooled depending on the corresponding victual....just the standard stuff. And by and large the Pix is pleased to report that the majority of eateries are passing the test. However, one thing that continues to elude the hospitality industry in a way that makes the Pix want to take several nubile vietnamese hostages (my business) is a problem that speaks directly to what is wrong in the world. A problem so seemingly simple yet elusive that the Pix likens it to lack of a succesfull hair restoration technique and/or why birds hate punctuality. The Pix refers, of course, to table stability. The Pix is not a physicist, but for life of me I can't figure out why 90% of restaurant and bar 4 tops in this country wobble worse than Bob Lobel after a night out at Daisy Buchanon's. It's 2012 for the love of god, the Pix shouldn't have to need two splendas and a matchbook to perform table surgery every time I want a burger and a Blue Moon. One of the favorite tv shows of the Pix is "How it's Made". Every factory in America seems to have robots that can make things like microchips and calibrate measurements down to atomic levels, but we can't get four wooden legs to be the same size? And don't get the Pix started on the single post table with four horizontal protrusions that are less even than Steve Buschemi's eyeballs. Like it's not hard enough to take your kids to a bar and try to watch the game when their table is like a game of "Wipe Out". Last week the Pix was trying to cut the crust off my daughter's grilled cheese and it felt like I was Leonardo DiCaprio trying to guide that big boned bird across the deck of the Titanic. Please get it together hospitality industry....
The Pix:
Rams +3.5 over Miami. Yes, the Pix watched the VP debate last night. If there's a reason this is the most boring Pix post of the year (and it will be), you can blame the debate. Thank god there's only one of those things.
Ravens -3.5 over Dallas. It was disconcerting, however, to watch Joe Biden cackling like a hyena while Paul Ryan was discussing Libya and Iran. Not exactly material one associates with the "Giggle Hut" out on rt. 1.
Browns +1 over Bengals. Even stranger to the Pix is that the internets seem to agree that moderator Martha Raddatz was "brilliant". Really? Is this how low the bar has been set by Jim Lehrer? Moderating a debate is, on a degree of difficulty scale, somewhere in between brushing one's teeth and walking while talking. You ask questions on 1-4 topics and tell each person when it is his or her turn to talk. Oh, and you watch something called a "clock". That's it. Let's all put our pants back on, shall we?
Colts +3 over Jets. Each week the Pix gets to the Jets and expects the perfect thing to write just to pop into my head. But it's just not working. It's like eating 4 plates of chicken wings and consuming a 12 pack of weasel piss (bush lite) and waiting for a magical digestive experience and.............nope. Nothing happens. If it's any consolation, A Fraud is hitting .125 and is getting pinch hit for at the end of games in the MLB playoffs. If the Yankees lose tonight, the Pix promises the mother of all New York Shitty posts next week.
TB -4 over Chiefs. Wait, let's go back to that last piece.....the Yankees are paying A-Roid over 30 million a season and are taking the bat out of his hands with the game on the line like he's Jose Iglesias. No? Nothing? Moving on then.
Pats -3.5 over Seattle. Ok, some may of noticed that the Pix is 1-4 picking Patriots games this year. For those not in the know, it's called the reverse jinx. But this Seattle team is more over rated than Gluten free weekend at Guido's in Great Barrington (oct 26-28). Pete Carrol is not taking down the Guru. Not happening.
Ok, Pix is tired and uninspired. See you all next week.
The Pix:
Rams +3.5 over Miami. Yes, the Pix watched the VP debate last night. If there's a reason this is the most boring Pix post of the year (and it will be), you can blame the debate. Thank god there's only one of those things.
Ravens -3.5 over Dallas. It was disconcerting, however, to watch Joe Biden cackling like a hyena while Paul Ryan was discussing Libya and Iran. Not exactly material one associates with the "Giggle Hut" out on rt. 1.
Browns +1 over Bengals. Even stranger to the Pix is that the internets seem to agree that moderator Martha Raddatz was "brilliant". Really? Is this how low the bar has been set by Jim Lehrer? Moderating a debate is, on a degree of difficulty scale, somewhere in between brushing one's teeth and walking while talking. You ask questions on 1-4 topics and tell each person when it is his or her turn to talk. Oh, and you watch something called a "clock". That's it. Let's all put our pants back on, shall we?
Colts +3 over Jets. Each week the Pix gets to the Jets and expects the perfect thing to write just to pop into my head. But it's just not working. It's like eating 4 plates of chicken wings and consuming a 12 pack of weasel piss (bush lite) and waiting for a magical digestive experience and.............nope. Nothing happens. If it's any consolation, A Fraud is hitting .125 and is getting pinch hit for at the end of games in the MLB playoffs. If the Yankees lose tonight, the Pix promises the mother of all New York Shitty posts next week.
TB -4 over Chiefs. Wait, let's go back to that last piece.....the Yankees are paying A-Roid over 30 million a season and are taking the bat out of his hands with the game on the line like he's Jose Iglesias. No? Nothing? Moving on then.
Pats -3.5 over Seattle. Ok, some may of noticed that the Pix is 1-4 picking Patriots games this year. For those not in the know, it's called the reverse jinx. But this Seattle team is more over rated than Gluten free weekend at Guido's in Great Barrington (oct 26-28). Pete Carrol is not taking down the Guru. Not happening.
Ok, Pix is tired and uninspired. See you all next week.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Polidicks and Stinkovich
The Pix is off for a 4 day weekend tomorrow so an early and abbreviated post will have to suffice. Let's start with last night's presidential debate, because if there's one thing the Pix likes as much as the NFL, it's the reality tv show called the Presidential Election. Before last nights debate, the gambling web site Intrade had Obama at over 70%. Something like last weekend's Pats-Bills game at the 2 minute mark in the 4th quarter. In addition, it appeared that Bobby Valentine had been running Romney's campaign and that we could be heading to a Reagan/Carter like landslide in November. That changed last night in a big way. Some quick take aways from the Pix:
1. When did Jim Lehrer die? Zombie Jim Lehrer looked like he'd been attacked by Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon while simultaneously being anally probed. In other words, massively and inexplicably permanently surprised. Did anyone tell Jim he'd be moderating the debate before hand? Was he filling in at the last moment? Is it possible that he has aged 40 years since 2008? Does he still have his own show on PBS? Just WOW.
2. The Pix watched the debate on CNN, which had a split screen and a running timer showing how long each candidate got to ramble on for. As the night progressed, this had the very strange effect of making Romney look like the underdog because Brobama was getting more time. Talk about unintended consequences.....making the uber rich white guy appear like he was getting robbed on national television (on time) by a black dude can NOT have been what the Obama campaign was looking for.
3. When Romney blasted the President on subsidies for green energy vs. oil (90 billion vs. 2.8 billion dollars) the Pix felt as if he was watching Ian Poulter drain the putt on 18 Saturday afternoon. Like, "Uh, oh....this could get interesting in a hurry". Every moment after that was like watching the Euros come out Sunday morning and just relentlessly pound the Americans. Obama better put away his Steve Stricker costume. It's not halloween yet, Barry.
4. More Ryder cup analogies...up next is the Vice-Presidential debate.....which is looking like Poulter/Mcilroy vs. Stricker/fatPhilgagon17cheerforEuroMickelson. Because by smoking the President in debate #1, the Republicans have put the pressure squarely on , gulp, Joe Biden. The Pix can't decide if he's more nervous for Biden than he was for Ollie shooting that free throw at the end of "Hoosiers".
Memo to Joe, the junior high school square dance you participated in 4 years ago with klondike barbie will in no way resemble the knife fight Paul Ryan is bringing to you. Ryan's first line isn't going to be, "Can I call you Joe?" It's going to be more like, "I'm here to eat your fucking family". Just sayin'.
Wait, what? Football?
Cardinals -1 over Rams
Giants -8 over Browns
GB -7 over Colts
Eagles +3 over Turdburglar
Chiefs +7 over Ravens
Bengals -3 over Dolphins
Bears - whatever over Slaguars
Panthers -3 over Seattle
Buffalo +10 over SF
Vikings -5 over Titans
Saints +3 over Chargers
Donkeys +7 over Pats
Texans -8 over Jets
Football musings:
Funny line from the official wife while watching Pats/Bills after seeing Bianca Wilfork jumping in stands, "I be they have a California King".....
Make sure you catch Inside the NFL on Showtime this week. Rex Ryan is miked up for the game vs. the 49ers. If I'm the GM of the Jets, I think I want my head coach to, um, actually do some coaching on the sidelines rather than just stomp up and down swearing and whining. He sounds worse than the Pix watching 5-6 flag football.
Jimmy Hoffa.......still dead.
Let's just back up a moment to the Donkeys/Pats prediction. The Pix has said it before, but it merits repeating almost every week. #50 on the Patriots, Rob Stinkovich, must be related to the Kraft family. Stinkovich runs like he has a dump in his pants and takes the same angle to the passer on EVERY play. First he runs out of bounds, then around the goal posts, and then back to the qb. Memo to Stinky, the passer usually gets rid of the ball before most self respecting southerners boil grits.
****Debate update**** the Pix has just learned that John Kerry was Obama's debate coach and even played the role of Romney during prep. Well then, the Pix would like to apologize to the President. No joke here, just recognizing that if John Kerry is your debate coach, Rex Ryan is your head coach, Steve Stricker is putting for the half, or Rob Stinkovich is your DE/LB....you get what you deserve.
Enjoy the long weekend everyone....
Pix out.
1. When did Jim Lehrer die? Zombie Jim Lehrer looked like he'd been attacked by Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon while simultaneously being anally probed. In other words, massively and inexplicably permanently surprised. Did anyone tell Jim he'd be moderating the debate before hand? Was he filling in at the last moment? Is it possible that he has aged 40 years since 2008? Does he still have his own show on PBS? Just WOW.
2. The Pix watched the debate on CNN, which had a split screen and a running timer showing how long each candidate got to ramble on for. As the night progressed, this had the very strange effect of making Romney look like the underdog because Brobama was getting more time. Talk about unintended consequences.....making the uber rich white guy appear like he was getting robbed on national television (on time) by a black dude can NOT have been what the Obama campaign was looking for.
3. When Romney blasted the President on subsidies for green energy vs. oil (90 billion vs. 2.8 billion dollars) the Pix felt as if he was watching Ian Poulter drain the putt on 18 Saturday afternoon. Like, "Uh, oh....this could get interesting in a hurry". Every moment after that was like watching the Euros come out Sunday morning and just relentlessly pound the Americans. Obama better put away his Steve Stricker costume. It's not halloween yet, Barry.
4. More Ryder cup analogies...up next is the Vice-Presidential debate.....which is looking like Poulter/Mcilroy vs. Stricker/fatPhilgagon17cheerforEuroMickelson. Because by smoking the President in debate #1, the Republicans have put the pressure squarely on , gulp, Joe Biden. The Pix can't decide if he's more nervous for Biden than he was for Ollie shooting that free throw at the end of "Hoosiers".
Memo to Joe, the junior high school square dance you participated in 4 years ago with klondike barbie will in no way resemble the knife fight Paul Ryan is bringing to you. Ryan's first line isn't going to be, "Can I call you Joe?" It's going to be more like, "I'm here to eat your fucking family". Just sayin'.
Wait, what? Football?
Cardinals -1 over Rams
Giants -8 over Browns
GB -7 over Colts
Eagles +3 over Turdburglar
Chiefs +7 over Ravens
Bengals -3 over Dolphins
Bears - whatever over Slaguars
Panthers -3 over Seattle
Buffalo +10 over SF
Vikings -5 over Titans
Saints +3 over Chargers
Donkeys +7 over Pats
Texans -8 over Jets
Football musings:
Funny line from the official wife while watching Pats/Bills after seeing Bianca Wilfork jumping in stands, "I be they have a California King".....
Make sure you catch Inside the NFL on Showtime this week. Rex Ryan is miked up for the game vs. the 49ers. If I'm the GM of the Jets, I think I want my head coach to, um, actually do some coaching on the sidelines rather than just stomp up and down swearing and whining. He sounds worse than the Pix watching 5-6 flag football.
Jimmy Hoffa.......still dead.
Let's just back up a moment to the Donkeys/Pats prediction. The Pix has said it before, but it merits repeating almost every week. #50 on the Patriots, Rob Stinkovich, must be related to the Kraft family. Stinkovich runs like he has a dump in his pants and takes the same angle to the passer on EVERY play. First he runs out of bounds, then around the goal posts, and then back to the qb. Memo to Stinky, the passer usually gets rid of the ball before most self respecting southerners boil grits.
****Debate update**** the Pix has just learned that John Kerry was Obama's debate coach and even played the role of Romney during prep. Well then, the Pix would like to apologize to the President. No joke here, just recognizing that if John Kerry is your debate coach, Rex Ryan is your head coach, Steve Stricker is putting for the half, or Rob Stinkovich is your DE/LB....you get what you deserve.
Enjoy the long weekend everyone....
Pix out.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Braised Bird
It was a relatively slow week for the internets. Other than the refauxree controversy in the NFL (which the Pix refuses to discuss any further......maybe), the only story of real note was the dude in California who settled his domestic dispute with the Mrs. by tying her up, strangling her, and then disposing her body by cooking her in the restaurant kitchen that they owned together. Normally the Pix wouldn't care about this, but lately Ol' Pixie's inbox has been filled with requests for relationship advice. Who knew? It appears that the birdpulation is in need of assistance, and as always, the Pix is here to help.
Dear Pix,
This week's sports lineup is the biggest of the year....Ryder cup, college football, pennant races and Patriots....how can I maximize my dear husband's viewing schedule? Am I a bad wife if he misses any of these important events?
Amy C
Dear Amy,
There's really no way to get around the last part of your question. The answer is yes, but the Pix is here to help make sure that this potential calamity doesn't happen. While your dear husband is watching the Ryder cup at work today, hire someone to move the 40" lcd into the same room as the 70" so he always has one screen to view with live action. Then make sure all the remotes are properly charged and synched. I'm assuming that since you are rightfully paying proper homage to this sacred weekend that you have already prepared the food and beverage portion of the program. Amirite? Finally, the children need to know their schedules. Again, I assume you have been rehearsing this all week....one child at a time in the viewing theater. No more than 1 question per half hour, two during bathroom breaks. Your welcome.
Dear Pix,
I was at Crosby's yesterday in the 8 items or less line and while I was paying by check for a rice flour baguette and some gluten free yogurt while I struck up a 5 minute conversation with the cashier about what a nice day it was outside. There was a man behind me in line who appeared agitated. What should I have done?
Signed,
Duh
Dear Duh,
On the one hand the Pix thinks you should have run outside and lit yourself on fire. On the other hand, the Pix understands that if you are desperate enough for companionship that you behave as if a $4.23 transaction should be treated as if it were the treaty of Versailles, you should at least have the time to write out your will bequesting your 4 cats to your aunt then proceed to the parking lot to light yourself on fire. Thanking you thanking the Pix.
Minn +4 over Detroit
Atl -6 over Carolina
Dear Pix,
I hear you like Mimosas. What's the best way to make one?
Signed,
Mo B.
Dear Mo,
Funny you should ask. The Pix could write 5 pages on this topic, but will try to condense this answer to the essentials....First of all, let whomever you are preparing this elixir for sleep in a long as he wants. The tongue crust that builds up between 9 and 11 am releases enzymes that when in contact with bubbly orangey deliciousness cause a chemical reaction described by some scientists as "pleasing" and/or "pleasurable". The recipe:
1. Prepare a gallon of freshly squeezed orange juice and freeze in ice trays the night before.
2. Fill a 16 oz. tumbler with orange juice ice and fill half way with a modestly priced Proseco. Then top off with a shot of Grand Marnier liqueur and a little more freshly squeezed juice. This is the perfect Pix Mimosa. In extreme emergencies (like this Sunday, or any other time) add a shot of vodka. DO NOT attempt to serve this nectar in a feeble champagne flute. The Pix has spoken.
Dear Pix,
Last weekend I made eggs Benedict with Canadian bacon rather than grilled sausage patties. What is the proper punishment for this?
Anonymous
Dear "Anonymous"
It really offends the Pix when I get emails like this. Food substitutions that are this self evident really need to be anticipated for the evolution of birds to continue along its proper path. Canadian bacon is a plague upon us all and must be eradicated from the face of the earth. The fact that Ahmadinejad didn't even address this in his speech to the UN this week proves once and for all his complete and utter insanity. The Pix isn't comparing you to Mahmoud per se, but you PLEASE have to stay on top of these things. And don't even mention The Thomas' English abortions vs. Bay's delicious muffins. The Pix can only take so much.
SF -4 over Jets
KC +1 over SD
Denver -6 over Oakland
Dear Pix,
Recently my three oldest children have all left for school and I find myself for the 1st time in 18 years or so with more time to myself. I have rediscovered a liquid called Chardonnay and am strangely having a really good time. Should I feel guilty about this?
Signed, Confused on Coolidge Rd.
Dear Confused,
Since the Pix has no way of knowing who emails these are from, sometimes the Pix has to make wild guesses.....this is one of those times. Here's what you need to do: First of all, get your husband (again, Pix has no idea who you may be), if you have one, playing Monday night paddle again. The team is thin this year and he needs to eat more Chinese food. Second, to help assuage your loneliness around the house, the Pix recommends you ask some young nieces and nephews over for 10 hour play dates on Saturdays and Sundays. The Pix is worried that your sudden transition from having no time to yourself to copious amounts could lead to irrational behavior like getting a dog or some such disaster. Check thyself before you wreck thyself.
And your garage fridge is out of Bud Lights. Just sayin'....
Ok, the Birds will have to fend for themselves while we turn to important analysis of the 1-2 record for the Patriots. At first the Pix wanted to blame the refauxrees for completely handing games to the Cardinals and Ravens. The Pix hasn't seen cheating that bad since Diane Lane got worked by that French dude in the movie where Richard Gere kills him. You know that movie? Anyhoo, it's now obvious that the Guru is lying in the weeds and letting the rest of the league get overconfident. The Pix wouldn't be surprised if he went as far as losing on purpose in Buffalo this weekend. Like the Pix, the Guru is going old school this year.....focusing on defense, getting hit with massive fines, just a brilliantly executed plan of misdirection and subterfuge. When all is said and done, the Guru will lead his team into New Orleans this February.
Bills +4 over Pats
Enjoy the games everyone and keep the Mimosas coming.
Pix out.
Dear Pix,
This week's sports lineup is the biggest of the year....Ryder cup, college football, pennant races and Patriots....how can I maximize my dear husband's viewing schedule? Am I a bad wife if he misses any of these important events?
Amy C
Dear Amy,
There's really no way to get around the last part of your question. The answer is yes, but the Pix is here to help make sure that this potential calamity doesn't happen. While your dear husband is watching the Ryder cup at work today, hire someone to move the 40" lcd into the same room as the 70" so he always has one screen to view with live action. Then make sure all the remotes are properly charged and synched. I'm assuming that since you are rightfully paying proper homage to this sacred weekend that you have already prepared the food and beverage portion of the program. Amirite? Finally, the children need to know their schedules. Again, I assume you have been rehearsing this all week....one child at a time in the viewing theater. No more than 1 question per half hour, two during bathroom breaks. Your welcome.
Dear Pix,
I was at Crosby's yesterday in the 8 items or less line and while I was paying by check for a rice flour baguette and some gluten free yogurt while I struck up a 5 minute conversation with the cashier about what a nice day it was outside. There was a man behind me in line who appeared agitated. What should I have done?
Signed,
Duh
Dear Duh,
On the one hand the Pix thinks you should have run outside and lit yourself on fire. On the other hand, the Pix understands that if you are desperate enough for companionship that you behave as if a $4.23 transaction should be treated as if it were the treaty of Versailles, you should at least have the time to write out your will bequesting your 4 cats to your aunt then proceed to the parking lot to light yourself on fire. Thanking you thanking the Pix.
Minn +4 over Detroit
Atl -6 over Carolina
Dear Pix,
I hear you like Mimosas. What's the best way to make one?
Signed,
Mo B.
Dear Mo,
Funny you should ask. The Pix could write 5 pages on this topic, but will try to condense this answer to the essentials....First of all, let whomever you are preparing this elixir for sleep in a long as he wants. The tongue crust that builds up between 9 and 11 am releases enzymes that when in contact with bubbly orangey deliciousness cause a chemical reaction described by some scientists as "pleasing" and/or "pleasurable". The recipe:
1. Prepare a gallon of freshly squeezed orange juice and freeze in ice trays the night before.
2. Fill a 16 oz. tumbler with orange juice ice and fill half way with a modestly priced Proseco. Then top off with a shot of Grand Marnier liqueur and a little more freshly squeezed juice. This is the perfect Pix Mimosa. In extreme emergencies (like this Sunday, or any other time) add a shot of vodka. DO NOT attempt to serve this nectar in a feeble champagne flute. The Pix has spoken.
Dear Pix,
Last weekend I made eggs Benedict with Canadian bacon rather than grilled sausage patties. What is the proper punishment for this?
Anonymous
Dear "Anonymous"
It really offends the Pix when I get emails like this. Food substitutions that are this self evident really need to be anticipated for the evolution of birds to continue along its proper path. Canadian bacon is a plague upon us all and must be eradicated from the face of the earth. The fact that Ahmadinejad didn't even address this in his speech to the UN this week proves once and for all his complete and utter insanity. The Pix isn't comparing you to Mahmoud per se, but you PLEASE have to stay on top of these things. And don't even mention The Thomas' English abortions vs. Bay's delicious muffins. The Pix can only take so much.
SF -4 over Jets
KC +1 over SD
Denver -6 over Oakland
Dear Pix,
Recently my three oldest children have all left for school and I find myself for the 1st time in 18 years or so with more time to myself. I have rediscovered a liquid called Chardonnay and am strangely having a really good time. Should I feel guilty about this?
Signed, Confused on Coolidge Rd.
Dear Confused,
Since the Pix has no way of knowing who emails these are from, sometimes the Pix has to make wild guesses.....this is one of those times. Here's what you need to do: First of all, get your husband (again, Pix has no idea who you may be), if you have one, playing Monday night paddle again. The team is thin this year and he needs to eat more Chinese food. Second, to help assuage your loneliness around the house, the Pix recommends you ask some young nieces and nephews over for 10 hour play dates on Saturdays and Sundays. The Pix is worried that your sudden transition from having no time to yourself to copious amounts could lead to irrational behavior like getting a dog or some such disaster. Check thyself before you wreck thyself.
And your garage fridge is out of Bud Lights. Just sayin'....
Ok, the Birds will have to fend for themselves while we turn to important analysis of the 1-2 record for the Patriots. At first the Pix wanted to blame the refauxrees for completely handing games to the Cardinals and Ravens. The Pix hasn't seen cheating that bad since Diane Lane got worked by that French dude in the movie where Richard Gere kills him. You know that movie? Anyhoo, it's now obvious that the Guru is lying in the weeds and letting the rest of the league get overconfident. The Pix wouldn't be surprised if he went as far as losing on purpose in Buffalo this weekend. Like the Pix, the Guru is going old school this year.....focusing on defense, getting hit with massive fines, just a brilliantly executed plan of misdirection and subterfuge. When all is said and done, the Guru will lead his team into New Orleans this February.
Bills +4 over Pats
Enjoy the games everyone and keep the Mimosas coming.
Pix out.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Gluten Shmluten
So the Pix never has a good week after the Patriots lose as 14 point favorites. The Pats are the team that is supposed to make us forget about the radioactive colonoscopy that has been the 2012 Boston Red Sox......a team less likable than AIDS. In other words, the Pix is cranky. Here we go.....
Dallas -7 over TB. Jerry Jones doesn't get much wrong, but the website cowboys.com is apparently Match for gay dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just don't think Jerry should have skimped on the domain name thing while handing out multi year contracts to the likes of Felix Jones. No truth to the rumor that the "Romosexual" chat room on cowboys.com is the most popular.
Vikings +7 over 49ers. Is anybody else getting sick of Jim Harbaugh? Because he's kind of a poseur. He strikes the Pix as the kind of person who would eat brown rice sushi because white rice has a molecule of gluten in it. Here's a little public service announcement from the Pix.......a cup of white rice contains 242 calories....216 for brown rice. The guess here is that the average bird consumes about a half a cup of rice if she's on a major chardonnay and shrimp tempura roll bender. So for the price of 13 calories you can have delicious rolls of white rice sushi or you can choke and gag your way through the most vile food stuff since Bird's Eye frozen vegetable medley with extra lima beans. Birds, never forget that the Pix is looking out for you.
Redskins -3 over Bungles. So C3P0 came back to earth last week and gave it up to the Lambs. In his post game press conference r2d2, who has been in the league precisely 2 weeks, called the Rams a dirty team. Again, NC17 seems like a nice young fellow, but you don't see newly ordained priests tell the Pope how to conduct a multi year pan continental child sex abuse cover up after just two weeks. Get a hold of yourself 7up.
Buffalo -3 over Cleveland. Talk about a sexy matchup of two hot teams and two hot towns!! The Pix can't figure out how this isn't the Sunday night game. Maybe they can get Paul Ryan to handle the coin toss and completely blow the top off this circus.
Arizona +3 over Philly. Can we go back to brown rice sushi for just a second? The Pix mentioned the word gluten back there and it just seems to the Pix that lots of birds are obsessed with gluten free diets these days. Now the Pix doesn't like to pick on the birds TOO much, but, um, it just seems like we've been here before. Atkins, the Zone, acai berries, Dukan.... lots of diet trends (won't call them fads, that would be rude, Pix doesn't like to be rude) have come and gone in the past decade.....it just seems the glutenistas are a really serious crew. These days the Pix can't browse a culinary periodical in search of a new tasty dish without glutenmania hijacking the whole thing. The Pix just has one question, for the last 10,000 years the most ubiquitously and consistently protein consumed by humans has been gluten. How come it's more poisonous than battery acid all of a sudden? Anyone? Bueller? Ok, let's just move on.
Miami + 3 over Jets. Brian Hartline is the Pix' new favorite Dolphin (there wasn't much competition). Asked by the media this week about facing the Jets, Hartline went into a rant about how Tim Tebow is Kim Kardashian (has he been reading the Pix?). Someone without a discernable talent but is famous for being famous. Hardest thing about not writing the Pix last season was watching Tedashian get slurped by the media for going 3-17, 96 yards and 2 picks. Stay tuned for more Kim Tedashian bashing in this space.
Indy -3 over Slaguars. Almost to the finish line......speaking of being famous for being famous, Monica Lewinsky just signed a 12 million dollar book deal for a tell all about ol' Billsies. Evidently she will reveal the shocker that Hil and Bill had a sub par sex life. Really? The Pix was sure the Clintons had a trapeze and gravity boots in the Lincoln bed room and hosted swinging parties with Al and Tipper (and James Carville in a donkey mask). What tipped Mon chi chi off? Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones? Kathleen Wiley? Juanita Broaddrick? Hillary's face? The Pix has a tell all book to sell with shocking revelations such as: The Guru is the greatest coach EVAH, Pix likes deliciousness, Pix likes the Patriots, TB and Giselle are a moderately attractive couple who the Pix would like to hang out with. Where's the 12 million?
Patriots +3 over Rayvens. Yes, the Pix spelled it that way on purpose. Has anyone seen the new Subaru add (google it, it's called "moral support")? It's atrocious, egregious, outlandish, and makes the Pix want to take back the 5 cents he donates to UNICEF every halloween. Here's the deal.....some hipster dweeb driving a Suburu is following his marginally attractive bird friend, or even worse, wife (who is evidently in a bike race against no one....she has the spanx and the number on her chest but nobody else is in the race) and skipping ahead to places on the "course" where he has hand painted signs of encouragement. What bothers the Pix isn't necessarily that this geek is more whipped than Skip from "Family Matters", it's that whomever cast this commercial found the one bird in the country who rides a bike worse than Michael J. Fox after a fifth of Smirnoff. The final scene has Skippy opening a gluten free pizza box with the words "you're gay" on the inside. Ok, the Pix made that up. He writes "I love you". Puh...lease.
Ok, Pix out of steam....have a great weekend and stick to white rice.
Pix out.
Dallas -7 over TB. Jerry Jones doesn't get much wrong, but the website cowboys.com is apparently Match for gay dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just don't think Jerry should have skimped on the domain name thing while handing out multi year contracts to the likes of Felix Jones. No truth to the rumor that the "Romosexual" chat room on cowboys.com is the most popular.
Vikings +7 over 49ers. Is anybody else getting sick of Jim Harbaugh? Because he's kind of a poseur. He strikes the Pix as the kind of person who would eat brown rice sushi because white rice has a molecule of gluten in it. Here's a little public service announcement from the Pix.......a cup of white rice contains 242 calories....216 for brown rice. The guess here is that the average bird consumes about a half a cup of rice if she's on a major chardonnay and shrimp tempura roll bender. So for the price of 13 calories you can have delicious rolls of white rice sushi or you can choke and gag your way through the most vile food stuff since Bird's Eye frozen vegetable medley with extra lima beans. Birds, never forget that the Pix is looking out for you.
Redskins -3 over Bungles. So C3P0 came back to earth last week and gave it up to the Lambs. In his post game press conference r2d2, who has been in the league precisely 2 weeks, called the Rams a dirty team. Again, NC17 seems like a nice young fellow, but you don't see newly ordained priests tell the Pope how to conduct a multi year pan continental child sex abuse cover up after just two weeks. Get a hold of yourself 7up.
Buffalo -3 over Cleveland. Talk about a sexy matchup of two hot teams and two hot towns!! The Pix can't figure out how this isn't the Sunday night game. Maybe they can get Paul Ryan to handle the coin toss and completely blow the top off this circus.
Arizona +3 over Philly. Can we go back to brown rice sushi for just a second? The Pix mentioned the word gluten back there and it just seems to the Pix that lots of birds are obsessed with gluten free diets these days. Now the Pix doesn't like to pick on the birds TOO much, but, um, it just seems like we've been here before. Atkins, the Zone, acai berries, Dukan.... lots of diet trends (won't call them fads, that would be rude, Pix doesn't like to be rude) have come and gone in the past decade.....it just seems the glutenistas are a really serious crew. These days the Pix can't browse a culinary periodical in search of a new tasty dish without glutenmania hijacking the whole thing. The Pix just has one question, for the last 10,000 years the most ubiquitously and consistently protein consumed by humans has been gluten. How come it's more poisonous than battery acid all of a sudden? Anyone? Bueller? Ok, let's just move on.
Miami + 3 over Jets. Brian Hartline is the Pix' new favorite Dolphin (there wasn't much competition). Asked by the media this week about facing the Jets, Hartline went into a rant about how Tim Tebow is Kim Kardashian (has he been reading the Pix?). Someone without a discernable talent but is famous for being famous. Hardest thing about not writing the Pix last season was watching Tedashian get slurped by the media for going 3-17, 96 yards and 2 picks. Stay tuned for more Kim Tedashian bashing in this space.
Indy -3 over Slaguars. Almost to the finish line......speaking of being famous for being famous, Monica Lewinsky just signed a 12 million dollar book deal for a tell all about ol' Billsies. Evidently she will reveal the shocker that Hil and Bill had a sub par sex life. Really? The Pix was sure the Clintons had a trapeze and gravity boots in the Lincoln bed room and hosted swinging parties with Al and Tipper (and James Carville in a donkey mask). What tipped Mon chi chi off? Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones? Kathleen Wiley? Juanita Broaddrick? Hillary's face? The Pix has a tell all book to sell with shocking revelations such as: The Guru is the greatest coach EVAH, Pix likes deliciousness, Pix likes the Patriots, TB and Giselle are a moderately attractive couple who the Pix would like to hang out with. Where's the 12 million?
Patriots +3 over Rayvens. Yes, the Pix spelled it that way on purpose. Has anyone seen the new Subaru add (google it, it's called "moral support")? It's atrocious, egregious, outlandish, and makes the Pix want to take back the 5 cents he donates to UNICEF every halloween. Here's the deal.....some hipster dweeb driving a Suburu is following his marginally attractive bird friend, or even worse, wife (who is evidently in a bike race against no one....she has the spanx and the number on her chest but nobody else is in the race) and skipping ahead to places on the "course" where he has hand painted signs of encouragement. What bothers the Pix isn't necessarily that this geek is more whipped than Skip from "Family Matters", it's that whomever cast this commercial found the one bird in the country who rides a bike worse than Michael J. Fox after a fifth of Smirnoff. The final scene has Skippy opening a gluten free pizza box with the words "you're gay" on the inside. Ok, the Pix made that up. He writes "I love you". Puh...lease.
Ok, Pix out of steam....have a great weekend and stick to white rice.
Pix out.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Rapid Randomness
Once again the Pix is going old school this week and bringing back the random format for the games. The Pix:
Texans -7 at Slaguars. Who cares....So anyways, it seems Russian Prime Minister Dimitri Medvedev is calling for the release of Pussy Riot from prison. Given that President Putin just got finished arresting these hogs a few weeks ago, this seems premature. Look, the Pix doesn't know much about Russia or their system of jurisprudence, but the Gulag used to stand for something. If you're going to arrest Pussy Riot, then go ahead and arrest Pussy Riot, but don't then just let them out like the whole thing was some Gulag fantasy camp experience. And whose in charge over there? Putin? Medvedev? The Russians used to matter.... now they win fewer gold medals than France and run around Eastern Europe catching and releasing ugly lesbian punk rock bands. Get it together Russia!!!
Raiders -2 1/2 over Dolphins. So a little football here.......it appears JJ Watt of the Texans was able to learn the Dolphins snap count from watching "Hard Knocks" on HBO. This does not surprise the Pix. Ever since Don Shula left, the Dolphins have been marching clown coaches through Miami like the Republicans march rich white male religious fanatic fossils through their nomination process. For those of you who didn't watch "Hard Knocks", new Miami coach Joe Philbin makes the Pix think football coach in the same way that Honey Boo Boo's mother makes the Pix think lingerie model. Google her. Welcome back. Russians, Dophins, Republicans.....it's not the 80's anymore.
Redskins -3 over Rams. So PG 13 had himself a pretty good opener, breaking the record for best passing day for a rookie quarterback. The Pix would like nothing more than the Redskins to take over the NFC east again. Very sick of the VaGiants. In other news, the internets are ablaze this am with news of Kate Middleton's cans being snapped by the pap. Of course, the Royals are shocked, blah, blah, blah. They do realize it's 2012, right? The Pix doesn't know much, but Pix does know that if you are one of the hottest and most famous birds on earth and you take your puppies for a stroll in broad daylight, there WILL be pictures. And they will be on the internets. The Duchess of Can bridge should have known that. BTW, Pix was wrong...had her pegged for a B cup but she's definitely an A. Pix ain't mad at her though.
Philly +2 over Ravens. Speaking of puppies, the dog whisperer really needs a better showing than the turd he put on the field in Cleveland. Also, speaking of turds, Adrian Gonzalez is batting .221 with the Dodgers since leaving the Red Sox and L.A. is 1-7 in their last 8 games. The Pix is pleased.
Jets +6 over Steelers. *****Breaking News******It's not often that the Pix beats the major networks for global scoop, but the Pix has done it today......Dorothy Hamill is now accepting applications for her 2013 figure skating fantasy camp. Why is this important you might ask? Because the Pix is IN.
Cinci -7 vs Cleveland. Ok........let's back up here a moment for some perspective on Dorothy Hamill's figure skating fantasy camp. The official wife and the Pix have an "agreement", as the Pix understands most married couples do. Some may call it an "ass pass", but Pix prefers "stray for a day" because the Pix has manners. Anyhoo, word on the street is that John Hamm may be in Marblehead this year at some point to film a show with Larry David. And if the official wife gets within shouting distance of Sir John Hamm......well, there's going to be trouble. And a naked official wife. So this got the Pix thinking......can't let the old married bird get her stray on without Pixie poo enjoying some hot celebrity cheating action. Now, the Pix owns a mirror and is therefore under no illusions that any members of the current stray list are going to bed the Pix. Ms. Hamill, however, is 56 years old, within driving distance, is still blazing hot, appears to have minimal security, and interfaces with the public regularly via her fantasy camp. Hmmmmmmm. Let's just say if you see a black Chevy Avalanche doing 90 on 84 South, Hamill's camel and the Pix have a date.
Patriots -14 vs Cardinals. So Fraudger Clemens is superimposing himself into the news again. It apparently isn't enough for him that everyone in the country who wasn't on the perjury trial jury believes he used steroids. He now feels the need to pitch in a MLB game and prove it once in for all. Because nothing says "I don't take performance enhancers" like pitching at 50 better than you did at 33. The Pix doesn't care if Fraudger pitches for the Sugarland Skeeters, the Dubuque Dingleberries or the Bangor Fart Whistles......if the Astros let this stain take the mound in order to delay his hall of fame vote 5 years they are bigger weapons grade retards than domestic residents of Dumbfukistan who watch Honey Boo Boo.
On a less angry note, this is probably the last weekend of the fall before kids sports get into full swing and football watching becomes tricky. The Pats also have what appears to be the easiest game of the year on the schedule as the geezers from AZ have to fly across 3 time zones and play for them what would be a 10:00 am game. In other words, the Nest will be opening this Sunday at 11:00 am for some tomfoolery and ballyhoo. Price of admission is 12 cans of deliciousness and a picture of Dorothy Hamill.
Pix out.....
Texans -7 at Slaguars. Who cares....So anyways, it seems Russian Prime Minister Dimitri Medvedev is calling for the release of Pussy Riot from prison. Given that President Putin just got finished arresting these hogs a few weeks ago, this seems premature. Look, the Pix doesn't know much about Russia or their system of jurisprudence, but the Gulag used to stand for something. If you're going to arrest Pussy Riot, then go ahead and arrest Pussy Riot, but don't then just let them out like the whole thing was some Gulag fantasy camp experience. And whose in charge over there? Putin? Medvedev? The Russians used to matter.... now they win fewer gold medals than France and run around Eastern Europe catching and releasing ugly lesbian punk rock bands. Get it together Russia!!!
Raiders -2 1/2 over Dolphins. So a little football here.......it appears JJ Watt of the Texans was able to learn the Dolphins snap count from watching "Hard Knocks" on HBO. This does not surprise the Pix. Ever since Don Shula left, the Dolphins have been marching clown coaches through Miami like the Republicans march rich white male religious fanatic fossils through their nomination process. For those of you who didn't watch "Hard Knocks", new Miami coach Joe Philbin makes the Pix think football coach in the same way that Honey Boo Boo's mother makes the Pix think lingerie model. Google her. Welcome back. Russians, Dophins, Republicans.....it's not the 80's anymore.
Redskins -3 over Rams. So PG 13 had himself a pretty good opener, breaking the record for best passing day for a rookie quarterback. The Pix would like nothing more than the Redskins to take over the NFC east again. Very sick of the VaGiants. In other news, the internets are ablaze this am with news of Kate Middleton's cans being snapped by the pap. Of course, the Royals are shocked, blah, blah, blah. They do realize it's 2012, right? The Pix doesn't know much, but Pix does know that if you are one of the hottest and most famous birds on earth and you take your puppies for a stroll in broad daylight, there WILL be pictures. And they will be on the internets. The Duchess of Can bridge should have known that. BTW, Pix was wrong...had her pegged for a B cup but she's definitely an A. Pix ain't mad at her though.
Philly +2 over Ravens. Speaking of puppies, the dog whisperer really needs a better showing than the turd he put on the field in Cleveland. Also, speaking of turds, Adrian Gonzalez is batting .221 with the Dodgers since leaving the Red Sox and L.A. is 1-7 in their last 8 games. The Pix is pleased.
Jets +6 over Steelers. *****Breaking News******It's not often that the Pix beats the major networks for global scoop, but the Pix has done it today......Dorothy Hamill is now accepting applications for her 2013 figure skating fantasy camp. Why is this important you might ask? Because the Pix is IN.
Cinci -7 vs Cleveland. Ok........let's back up here a moment for some perspective on Dorothy Hamill's figure skating fantasy camp. The official wife and the Pix have an "agreement", as the Pix understands most married couples do. Some may call it an "ass pass", but Pix prefers "stray for a day" because the Pix has manners. Anyhoo, word on the street is that John Hamm may be in Marblehead this year at some point to film a show with Larry David. And if the official wife gets within shouting distance of Sir John Hamm......well, there's going to be trouble. And a naked official wife. So this got the Pix thinking......can't let the old married bird get her stray on without Pixie poo enjoying some hot celebrity cheating action. Now, the Pix owns a mirror and is therefore under no illusions that any members of the current stray list are going to bed the Pix. Ms. Hamill, however, is 56 years old, within driving distance, is still blazing hot, appears to have minimal security, and interfaces with the public regularly via her fantasy camp. Hmmmmmmm. Let's just say if you see a black Chevy Avalanche doing 90 on 84 South, Hamill's camel and the Pix have a date.
Patriots -14 vs Cardinals. So Fraudger Clemens is superimposing himself into the news again. It apparently isn't enough for him that everyone in the country who wasn't on the perjury trial jury believes he used steroids. He now feels the need to pitch in a MLB game and prove it once in for all. Because nothing says "I don't take performance enhancers" like pitching at 50 better than you did at 33. The Pix doesn't care if Fraudger pitches for the Sugarland Skeeters, the Dubuque Dingleberries or the Bangor Fart Whistles......if the Astros let this stain take the mound in order to delay his hall of fame vote 5 years they are bigger weapons grade retards than domestic residents of Dumbfukistan who watch Honey Boo Boo.
On a less angry note, this is probably the last weekend of the fall before kids sports get into full swing and football watching becomes tricky. The Pats also have what appears to be the easiest game of the year on the schedule as the geezers from AZ have to fly across 3 time zones and play for them what would be a 10:00 am game. In other words, the Nest will be opening this Sunday at 11:00 am for some tomfoolery and ballyhoo. Price of admission is 12 cans of deliciousness and a picture of Dorothy Hamill.
Pix out.....
Friday, September 7, 2012
Oh, hello there
The Pix 2012 is going back to it's 2006 roots. A little football, irregular posts, lots of fart jokes, random randomness, and a little political hazing. The internets have been ablaze since the Pix last posted with topics such as Pussy Riot, Jerry Sandusky, Peyton's neck, and of course.....politics.
Given that politics divide so many, and that there seems to be little that the left and right can agree on in the US, the Pix has been diligently searching for a way to unite both sides. Aggressive you say? Presumptuous and pointless? Perhaps not.......as the Pix has discovered a society so advanced beyond conventional thinking that the list of great societal ponderers has to be reset. In the past the list may have gone something like this:
1. Plato
2. Jefferson
3. Belichick
But a way of life so simple yet profound has been brought to the attention of the Pix. A justice system so fair and self evident that it has brought the Pix out of retirement in order to share what can only be described as a game changer of intergalactic proportions.
The Pix refers, of course, to the Chagga tribe of Tanzania. In his ground breaking new book, CURIOUS BEHAVIOR: YAWNING, LAUGHING, HICCUPPING AND BEYOND, author Robert R. Provine introduces us to this marvelous crew:
"Consider the sad fate of Pu Sao of the Tikopia in Polynesia, who was so overcome with shame after farting in the presence of the chief that he committed suicide by climbing a palm tree and impaling himself through the rectum with a sharply pointed branch. Sanctions are less severe among the Chagga of Tanzania, but feminists have a lot of work to do there. If a husband breaks wind, the wife must pretend that it was really she who discharged, and she must submit to scolding about it. Failure to accept responsibility can cost the negligent wife three barrels of beer."
Ok, the Pix knows there's a lot to digest here, so let's take a moment to reflect on the wisdom of the Chagga. Leaving behind the sad fate of Pu Sao, Provine maps out for us, via the Chagga, a blueprint for redefining justice and extrapolating their theories of social structure into improving fields such as gender relations, commerce and of course, geopolitical conflict.
For example, the longstanding fart blame paradigm has always consisted of two main schools of thought:
1. Whoever smelt it delt it.
2. Whoever denied it supplied it.
Despite roughly 6 millennium of human existence, homo sapiens has never found a way to reconcile this conflict, much less the appropriate amount of restitution due to aggrieved party. In one simple piece of logic, the Chagga render both issues moot....
Is it the Pix, or have the Chagga not perfected the concept of no fault insurance (something Massachusetts drivers know a little something about)??
Except they have distilled their philosophy into such refined perfection, that, really, no other laws need to be written into Chagga legislature. Stolen goat? Bird did it. Property dispute? Here's 3 barrells of beer. Punishment? Bird gets a scolding........3 more barrells of beer.
Consider this scenario.....some teenager gets caught stealing the laptop from your car....which outcome would you prefer as the victim of this crime?
A. Stain apologizes and gets 10 hours of community service.
B. His girlfriend comes over for a scolding and gives you 3 kegs of deliciousness.
Um............the Pix has spoken. Can someone get the Chagga at least a facebook page? Pix Likes.
The Pix....
Bills +3 over Jets.
Hmmmmmm. The Pix can't remember....did the Jets make any offseason acquisitions this year? We'll save that for a future week
Saints -8 over Redskins.
RG3 is just a terrible nickname. Seems like a fine fellow, but RG3 needs to go. PG 13? NC 17? Pix needs a few more weeks to sort this out.
Steelers +1 over Donkeys.
Just two despicable quarterbacks here. Turd burglar vs. America's sweetheart Dr. Chicken neck. Never has the Pix rooted so hard for vertebrae to snap. Moving on before Pix gets less charitable.
Pats -6 over some redneck team in the middle of Dumbfukistan. Uh, oh, Pix getting a little surly after the quasi two year layoff. Let's just talk Pats.....
The Guru has done it again. He begins the year with the most talent on the roster since 2007 and is doing so with the youngest squad he has ever had. Guru simultaneously re-loads and re-builds. No way with this amount of wisdom the Guru isn't at least 1/8th Chagga. Pats regular season record 12-4. The Pix has spoken.
Thanks to everyone asking to bring back the Pix for 2012 season. Hopefully we can have some chuckles, stay out of prison, learn about fascinating cultures, drink some deliciousness......and watch Brady & crew bring home their 4th Lombardi tropy.
Pix out.....
Given that politics divide so many, and that there seems to be little that the left and right can agree on in the US, the Pix has been diligently searching for a way to unite both sides. Aggressive you say? Presumptuous and pointless? Perhaps not.......as the Pix has discovered a society so advanced beyond conventional thinking that the list of great societal ponderers has to be reset. In the past the list may have gone something like this:
1. Plato
2. Jefferson
3. Belichick
But a way of life so simple yet profound has been brought to the attention of the Pix. A justice system so fair and self evident that it has brought the Pix out of retirement in order to share what can only be described as a game changer of intergalactic proportions.
The Pix refers, of course, to the Chagga tribe of Tanzania. In his ground breaking new book, CURIOUS BEHAVIOR: YAWNING, LAUGHING, HICCUPPING AND BEYOND, author Robert R. Provine introduces us to this marvelous crew:
"Consider the sad fate of Pu Sao of the Tikopia in Polynesia, who was so overcome with shame after farting in the presence of the chief that he committed suicide by climbing a palm tree and impaling himself through the rectum with a sharply pointed branch. Sanctions are less severe among the Chagga of Tanzania, but feminists have a lot of work to do there. If a husband breaks wind, the wife must pretend that it was really she who discharged, and she must submit to scolding about it. Failure to accept responsibility can cost the negligent wife three barrels of beer."
Ok, the Pix knows there's a lot to digest here, so let's take a moment to reflect on the wisdom of the Chagga. Leaving behind the sad fate of Pu Sao, Provine maps out for us, via the Chagga, a blueprint for redefining justice and extrapolating their theories of social structure into improving fields such as gender relations, commerce and of course, geopolitical conflict.
For example, the longstanding fart blame paradigm has always consisted of two main schools of thought:
1. Whoever smelt it delt it.
2. Whoever denied it supplied it.
Despite roughly 6 millennium of human existence, homo sapiens has never found a way to reconcile this conflict, much less the appropriate amount of restitution due to aggrieved party. In one simple piece of logic, the Chagga render both issues moot....
Is it the Pix, or have the Chagga not perfected the concept of no fault insurance (something Massachusetts drivers know a little something about)??
Except they have distilled their philosophy into such refined perfection, that, really, no other laws need to be written into Chagga legislature. Stolen goat? Bird did it. Property dispute? Here's 3 barrells of beer. Punishment? Bird gets a scolding........3 more barrells of beer.
Consider this scenario.....some teenager gets caught stealing the laptop from your car....which outcome would you prefer as the victim of this crime?
A. Stain apologizes and gets 10 hours of community service.
B. His girlfriend comes over for a scolding and gives you 3 kegs of deliciousness.
Um............the Pix has spoken. Can someone get the Chagga at least a facebook page? Pix Likes.
The Pix....
Bills +3 over Jets.
Hmmmmmm. The Pix can't remember....did the Jets make any offseason acquisitions this year? We'll save that for a future week
Saints -8 over Redskins.
RG3 is just a terrible nickname. Seems like a fine fellow, but RG3 needs to go. PG 13? NC 17? Pix needs a few more weeks to sort this out.
Steelers +1 over Donkeys.
Just two despicable quarterbacks here. Turd burglar vs. America's sweetheart Dr. Chicken neck. Never has the Pix rooted so hard for vertebrae to snap. Moving on before Pix gets less charitable.
Pats -6 over some redneck team in the middle of Dumbfukistan. Uh, oh, Pix getting a little surly after the quasi two year layoff. Let's just talk Pats.....
The Guru has done it again. He begins the year with the most talent on the roster since 2007 and is doing so with the youngest squad he has ever had. Guru simultaneously re-loads and re-builds. No way with this amount of wisdom the Guru isn't at least 1/8th Chagga. Pats regular season record 12-4. The Pix has spoken.
Thanks to everyone asking to bring back the Pix for 2012 season. Hopefully we can have some chuckles, stay out of prison, learn about fascinating cultures, drink some deliciousness......and watch Brady & crew bring home their 4th Lombardi tropy.
Pix out.....
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
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