Happy holidays and New Year from the Pix. As we contemplate what 2013 may bring, the Pix has decided to unveil my micro and macro predictions for the coming annus mirabilis. Naturally, these predictions come with the full money back guarantee of your annual subscription price for the Pix. Which only one person has ever paid. A gin and tonic from Tom Erskine in 2009. Thanks Tom. As for the rest of you...get yourselves together. The Pix:
Vikings +3 over Pack. 2013 begins with the US gubmint sending us over the fiscal cliff.....followed by precisely nothing consequential happening. Congress and the President eventually reach a deal in mid January. Yawn. With the media having nothing new to hyperventilate over, a new and more troublesome problem emerges....the GeoThermal Hemorrhoid. Debates rage over whether the GTH is a result of global warming, kissing lesbians, or American Idol getting cancelled. Scholars and NASA ultimately conclude that is was a computer virus written by 6th graders who got sick of uploading Gangam style parodies to You Tube. The world breathes a sigh of relief. Stock in Preparation H plummets after increasing 5 fold between Martin Luther King day and the Toyotathon. White people rejoice that MLK day isn't cancelled and the lifts at Sugarloaf stay open.
Chiefs +16 at Donkeys. Mike Kryzewski succesfully (say that 10 times fast) sues the Pix over the name of my horse, "Mike Kryzewski is a douche bag". Pix changes name to Mike is a db. MIDB surprisingly wins the Kentucky Derby causing the web site IMDB to sue the Pix. Pix settles out of court but insists that IMDB gives Elizabeth Shue movies higher ratings and that any record of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" be removed. Forever.
Seattle -10 over Rams. After his epic run of success with hit tv show on the Food network, "Triple D", Guy Fieri pitches a new concept to the Food network called "Double D's" along with co-hosts Sophie Dee (google her, welcome back, thanking you for thanking Pix) and Anne Burrell. Ratings, unfortunately, begin to fall after writers run out of large round fruits to focus on and the show is relegated to the Cooking network which apparently nobody outside of Brooklyn gets.
Jets +3 at Bills. After nobody picks up Tim Tebow following his release from the LOL Jets, Timmeh joins the CFL. No, not Canada, the Christian Football League. Mega preacher and baked groundhog look alike Joel Osteen launches the CHFL in the summer of 2013. Tragedy and comedy ensue after the Charlotte Collection Plates run a cartoon of Tebow bowling over the prophet Muhammad. Chick fil-A founder and Collection Plate owner S. Truett Cathy is kidnapped and subsequently released by muslim employees who support gay marriage and irony. Cathy then cuts Tebow after he refuses to play on the punt team and is photo'd one too many times with his shirt off.
Bears -3 over Lions. "Serendipity 2" is the surprise box office hit of 2013. Quentin Tarantino rejuvenates the career of John Cusack who stars as Dug Cunningham, a frustrated venture capitalist who buys the Hostess corporation out of bankruptcy and patiently awaits for Apple to release the iTV and for marijuana to be legalized in all 50 states. Once this confluence of events occurs, our protagonist re-launches the Twinkie brand resulting in Hostess going public in an IPO that exceeds the market cap of Facebook and First Marblehead combined. In addition, Cusack shares a romantic scene with Helen Mirren resulting in an "UN" (unfortunate nudity) rating. Even stranger, Cusack attends the premier with Dorothy Hamel.
Ravens +3 over Bengals. Pix and the official wife briefly separate over what court documents refer to as "irreconcilable punctuality issues". The quirky couple reconcile after a chardonnay truck jack knives on the Lynnway and ESPN flexes a November Pats/Donkeys matchup to Monday Night, allowing the Pix to miss the C paddle away match at Dedham. Don't worry if you didn't get that joke....
Colts +7 over Texans. Anthony Bourdain discovers the Pix and launches a new show called "Shit Tons of Reservations". In the show, Tony, Pix and Russian sidekick Zamir travel to Portland, ME to take Zumba classes and investigate the mysterious 2010 fire that ruined the topless donut shop that used to be on the way to Will and Lexi's cabin. Pix leaves show after one episode citing lack of editorial control. Eventually, the truth emerges that Zamir preferred Meryl's tuna tatare to Pix's. (Which, despite being vaguely accurate, is not to be discussed in the presence of the Pix)
Washington -2 over Dallas. Despite no athlete ever coming out of the closet during their career in the Big 4 professional sports, openly gay players come out in all 4 sports in 2013. In fact, 2013 becomes the year that it officially becomes uncool to be straight. Alex Rodriguez begins the closet evacuation. Followed by Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Nick Swisher (what took you so long, Nick?), Breet, Lebron, The Montreal Canadiens, Dirty Sanchez, Dwight Howard, Ndomukong Suh, and in 2013's finest moment, the Women's Olympic handball team from the Netherlands.
That is all for now. The Pix Playoff Preview may or of course may not come out next week. My everybody have a safe New Year and thanks for reading the Pix in 2012.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
Positive Pix
As strange as it may seem, the Pix is having a hard time with the formula this week, because the Patriots still have the Pix dancing down the street, and the family has a brunch reservation at 5 Corners on Sunday (eggs benedict with pastrami). Just can't get the angst fired up like normal. So let's not try to fight it. Allow myself to introduce myself......to Positive Pix.
Colts +11 over Texans. Thanks to the Texans for starting everyone's week off on the right foot. They were even thoughtful enough to be out of the game by halftime in order to allow those of us who need to be asleep earlier than midnight to retire. The Pix would also like to thank all those who have sent holiday cards to chateaux Pix....ensuring that once again I get to spend $300+ on cardboard pictures of my kids that everyone has already seen on facebook and go through the process of addressing a thousand cards and mailing at $.45 a pop. The Pix loves supporting the USPS. Thanks everyone. So pleasing.
Ravens -2 over Donkeys. The Pix would also like to thank the NHL owners and players for unburdening the Pix from having too many viewing options on television. Thanks to the NHL lockout, the Pix has been able to spend some quality time with shows like the X factor and Houseskanks of the NBA. Merry Christmas NHL.
Packers -3 over Bears. And thanks to the lovely young mother of the two kids fighting over an iPhone in the 8 items or less checkout line last evening at Crosby's. Your inability to find your checkbook in your oversized back pack followed by the 10 minutes it took you to write the check and send your kid back to your car to look for your license so the overwhelmed clerk could verify your check gave the Pix a chance to practice my deep breathing exercises. The serene tranquility of Crosby's 8 items or less check out line at 5:pm on a Thursday is the optimal place to take stock of one's good fortune. The Pix was positively glowing with goodwill toward man at that moment. Thank you check writing young mother. Thank you.
Seahawks -5 at Bills. And don't you go anywhere Red Sox management. The Pix needs to thank you profusely for allowing me to already make my summer plans. Seriously, Shane Victorino and Ryan Dempster are just the pieces the Sox need to get them back last place. Thanks to the Bruins and Red Sox both forfeiting their 2013 season's, the Pix can cancel NESN and take the whole family to UNO's where every Tuesday kids eat for 1/2 price. UNO's is the best.
Cowboys -1 over Steelers. In addition, the Pix would like to thank Big Ben and the Steelers for beating the Ravens and then losing to the lol Chargers. Ben certainly seems to have changed his ways this year. No rape charges or anything. Here's hoping 2013 will be assault and sexually violent offense free! Keep up the good work Benjamin!
Titans -1 over roflmao Jets. How about those NFL schedule makers? As the league surely must have known, the Monday night before Christmas can be a hectic time where last minute shopping is sometimes necessary. Thanks for giving us a game that there is absolutely no need to watch nor even check the score. More time for answering my kids' letters to Santa and coming up with zany and hilarious ways to hide the "elf on the shelf". Rather than curling up in front of the fire with some refreshing deliciousness....watching, say, a relevant football game, the Pix can rearrange my underwear drawer and engage in some light banter with the official wife. Good times.
49ers +5 over Patriots. And lest the Pix forget, Pix would like to thank the Pix for scheduling my annual physical 2 days after an 8 day bender following Thanksgiving and a 5 day deer hunting trip. The nurse never laughed as she did after taking Pix' blood pressure. She then noted the hilarity that she had never seen someone gain so much weight in just one year. We had quite the chuckle. And when the Pix told the good Dr. that I had unilaterally stopped taking the blood pressure medication he had prescribed back in August because of an article I read on The Onion, we needed extra hands for all the high fives that were going around. Hard to beat some good old Dr./patient hijinks. Those Docs love to get second guessed from medical experts like the Pix.
So enjoy the games this weekend everyone.
Happy Holidays.
The real Pix returns next week.
Colts +11 over Texans. Thanks to the Texans for starting everyone's week off on the right foot. They were even thoughtful enough to be out of the game by halftime in order to allow those of us who need to be asleep earlier than midnight to retire. The Pix would also like to thank all those who have sent holiday cards to chateaux Pix....ensuring that once again I get to spend $300+ on cardboard pictures of my kids that everyone has already seen on facebook and go through the process of addressing a thousand cards and mailing at $.45 a pop. The Pix loves supporting the USPS. Thanks everyone. So pleasing.
Ravens -2 over Donkeys. The Pix would also like to thank the NHL owners and players for unburdening the Pix from having too many viewing options on television. Thanks to the NHL lockout, the Pix has been able to spend some quality time with shows like the X factor and Houseskanks of the NBA. Merry Christmas NHL.
Packers -3 over Bears. And thanks to the lovely young mother of the two kids fighting over an iPhone in the 8 items or less checkout line last evening at Crosby's. Your inability to find your checkbook in your oversized back pack followed by the 10 minutes it took you to write the check and send your kid back to your car to look for your license so the overwhelmed clerk could verify your check gave the Pix a chance to practice my deep breathing exercises. The serene tranquility of Crosby's 8 items or less check out line at 5:pm on a Thursday is the optimal place to take stock of one's good fortune. The Pix was positively glowing with goodwill toward man at that moment. Thank you check writing young mother. Thank you.
Seahawks -5 at Bills. And don't you go anywhere Red Sox management. The Pix needs to thank you profusely for allowing me to already make my summer plans. Seriously, Shane Victorino and Ryan Dempster are just the pieces the Sox need to get them back last place. Thanks to the Bruins and Red Sox both forfeiting their 2013 season's, the Pix can cancel NESN and take the whole family to UNO's where every Tuesday kids eat for 1/2 price. UNO's is the best.
Cowboys -1 over Steelers. In addition, the Pix would like to thank Big Ben and the Steelers for beating the Ravens and then losing to the lol Chargers. Ben certainly seems to have changed his ways this year. No rape charges or anything. Here's hoping 2013 will be assault and sexually violent offense free! Keep up the good work Benjamin!
Titans -1 over roflmao Jets. How about those NFL schedule makers? As the league surely must have known, the Monday night before Christmas can be a hectic time where last minute shopping is sometimes necessary. Thanks for giving us a game that there is absolutely no need to watch nor even check the score. More time for answering my kids' letters to Santa and coming up with zany and hilarious ways to hide the "elf on the shelf". Rather than curling up in front of the fire with some refreshing deliciousness....watching, say, a relevant football game, the Pix can rearrange my underwear drawer and engage in some light banter with the official wife. Good times.
49ers +5 over Patriots. And lest the Pix forget, Pix would like to thank the Pix for scheduling my annual physical 2 days after an 8 day bender following Thanksgiving and a 5 day deer hunting trip. The nurse never laughed as she did after taking Pix' blood pressure. She then noted the hilarity that she had never seen someone gain so much weight in just one year. We had quite the chuckle. And when the Pix told the good Dr. that I had unilaterally stopped taking the blood pressure medication he had prescribed back in August because of an article I read on The Onion, we needed extra hands for all the high fives that were going around. Hard to beat some good old Dr./patient hijinks. Those Docs love to get second guessed from medical experts like the Pix.
So enjoy the games this weekend everyone.
Happy Holidays.
The real Pix returns next week.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Facebelt
Big week in the NFL. Big. Pats/Texans, Bengals/Cowboys, Redskins/Ravens.....all big games. None bigger, however, than the Saturday night NBA matchup of the Celtics and Sixers. BOOM! This game is so big that the league moved it to 7:30....HELLO. Not doing it for you? Then you must not be sitting in seat FLR 6 AA. Right next to the official 7 year old son of the Pix. Oh, well.....Sometimes you are the windshield and sometimes you are the bug. The Pix:
Philly +9 over TB. Vegas needs to settle down a little here. Yes, the Eagles are struggling and yes the Bucs are scrappy.....but it's still TB vs the Ill-a-delph. By the way, has anyone seen that commercial they are running every 10 minutes about some ear wax removal system? The one where the dude sticks a q-tip from one side of his head to the other and then screams like he's getting castrated? Yeah, I bet that did hurt, pal....it's called a q-tip, not a spear. Are people really having a problem with this? Look, the Pix likes to use the back end of an empty pen cartridge and stir it up a bit as much as the next guy, but there's no need to hose down your ear canal with bilge cleaner. The Pix used to work with this fossil who would grow his pinky nail extra long and go panning for gold in the middle of a sales meeting, then ponder it like it held the meaning of the world in it's little waxy dead cell sphere. Anyhoo...
Cowboys +3 at Bengals. The Pix has recently had the pleasure of being the passenger in some newer vehicles. Pixie even sports a 2011 model himself. What doesn't please the Pix is the increasing impatience cars have these days with how long you are allowed in your seat without fastening the seat belt without air raid sirens going off. It's bad enough that evidently children have to be in car seats until they are 17, but steering wheels now blast your eyes with mace if you don't buckle up before you even get in the car. And is it just the Pix or are the garbage men getting away with a little here? These guys are allowed to hang off the side and/or straddle their sponge bob wreath they made at the dump while playing frisbee with Pix's trash can lids. Just seems a little unfair, that's all. Some people would like to be a chef for a day, or boat captain, or a SI swimsuit photographer....Pix just wants to hang off the garbage truck.
Washington -2.5 over Ravens. Love the wedding announcement in the Marblehead reporter yesterday, "Bogus-Centric" to wed. Stephanie Bogus, that is, of the Marblehead Boguses. "Hey Bill, didn't you hook up with that Bogus chick once?" Sorry, Pix a little punchy today. Best wishes to Ms. Bogus.
Chargers +7 at Steelers. Just because the Pix hopes the Turdburglar does get his aorta puntured by his rib....love the holidays, does the Pix. Bet the mail man does too. Bet he loves delivering 75 catalogues per week per household. Here's the list that came to the chateaux Pix just yesterday....Grow Toys, Mindware, REI, Sensational beginnings, Potttery Barn, Pottery Barn Kids, Pottery Barn Fossils, Solutions, Lands End, Brookstone, Crack Whore Geezers, Asian Milfs, and Frontgate. We get a Frontgate catalogue every day, which seems strange because we have never, nor will we ever, buy anything from Frontgate. Why? Because the Pix doesn't need a $3,000.00 lawn chair that makes strawberry daiquiris. Pix is funny like that. But you know what, Frontgate? A for effort.
Jets -3 over Slags. Um, never mind.
Miami +10 over 49ers. Why is the Pix cranky, you might be asking? Because Pixie had to drive through Salem today. Twice. If we could somehow air lift the center of Salem and put it in between Israel and Palestine we could save everyone lots of trouble.
Vagiants -5 over Saints. Sometimes the Pix reads about little misdemeanors on the internets and wonders how I didn't think of that first. But the bar has been raised, my friends. The bar has been raised.
http://gawker.com/5965966/california-couple-abducts-handyman-forces-him-to-do-home-repairs
Assuming you can open the link....how has the Pix not abducted his own handy man yet? And how much time does one get for this? Because if any sort of probation is involved.......local handi-men should be on the lookout for a middle aged incompetent football blog writer who may or may not need some help around the house. To say that the Pix is handi-challenged would be like saying Hellen Keller wasn't often picked first for dodgeball. Or Choir. Or sharpshooting. Or, well, you get the point. Pix isn't handy. The best part of the story isn't that they drove the handi hostage around to do work at other houses, but that they were still in the snack aisle of the handi-mart when they got arrested. Not that they were baked or anything. Funions, bugels, so MANY choices. And this didn't even happen in Florida. Just a delicious little piece of Americana right there.....
Texans +3 over Patriots. And the reverse jinx continues....Pix goes on Facebook once a week to alert my peeps to a new post. A few observations if the Pix may.....do the people who post 10 times a day know that they have a seriously disproportionate amount activity? Assuming self awareness isn't their thing. If you get a friend request from someone you have heard of, how long do you try to convince yourself you MIGHT know them before you punt? What are the chances you actually did know them, but you are a 45 year old self centered semi senile blog poseur? What about the 19 year old Russian nanny who just wants to meet new people, is she legit? Maybe she likes the 20 pounds the Pix has put on and pictures of all my kids? Chances? Yes? No? Maybe? And if you are over 40, and have over 1000 friends, do you really have any? Or have you just lived in lots of places? Or are you just an internet slut (gender neutral my "friends") who friend requests every person you meet from the person who works at the dmv to the neighbors who you speak to once a year? Just askin, not judgin....
Back to the Pats if you haven't been offended yet. Pix loves how the guru is playing the injury thing. Everyone knows Gronk is healthy and is just doing squats and practicing spikes for the playoffs. Pure genius. And Chandler Jones, according to Pix sources, is resting in Michael Jackson's hypobaric chamber visualizing speed rushes and strip sacks. Pleasing. Last week in Miami the Guru took Cutter and Mador out of the stands and slapped them on the right side of the line for the 4th quarter. Granted, they gave up a sack and two pressures but that was in the parking lot after the game.
On a more serious note, as the holidays approach and we consider the welfare of those less fortunate, let's keep the needy in our thoughts......The Jets, Derek Jeter's beer gut, A-fraud's hip, his other hip, handi-hostage, mail persons humping tons of catalogues, facebook addicts, and particularly those who can't find the seat belt buckle....they're screwed.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Enjoy the games.
Pix out.
Philly +9 over TB. Vegas needs to settle down a little here. Yes, the Eagles are struggling and yes the Bucs are scrappy.....but it's still TB vs the Ill-a-delph. By the way, has anyone seen that commercial they are running every 10 minutes about some ear wax removal system? The one where the dude sticks a q-tip from one side of his head to the other and then screams like he's getting castrated? Yeah, I bet that did hurt, pal....it's called a q-tip, not a spear. Are people really having a problem with this? Look, the Pix likes to use the back end of an empty pen cartridge and stir it up a bit as much as the next guy, but there's no need to hose down your ear canal with bilge cleaner. The Pix used to work with this fossil who would grow his pinky nail extra long and go panning for gold in the middle of a sales meeting, then ponder it like it held the meaning of the world in it's little waxy dead cell sphere. Anyhoo...
Cowboys +3 at Bengals. The Pix has recently had the pleasure of being the passenger in some newer vehicles. Pixie even sports a 2011 model himself. What doesn't please the Pix is the increasing impatience cars have these days with how long you are allowed in your seat without fastening the seat belt without air raid sirens going off. It's bad enough that evidently children have to be in car seats until they are 17, but steering wheels now blast your eyes with mace if you don't buckle up before you even get in the car. And is it just the Pix or are the garbage men getting away with a little here? These guys are allowed to hang off the side and/or straddle their sponge bob wreath they made at the dump while playing frisbee with Pix's trash can lids. Just seems a little unfair, that's all. Some people would like to be a chef for a day, or boat captain, or a SI swimsuit photographer....Pix just wants to hang off the garbage truck.
Washington -2.5 over Ravens. Love the wedding announcement in the Marblehead reporter yesterday, "Bogus-Centric" to wed. Stephanie Bogus, that is, of the Marblehead Boguses. "Hey Bill, didn't you hook up with that Bogus chick once?" Sorry, Pix a little punchy today. Best wishes to Ms. Bogus.
Chargers +7 at Steelers. Just because the Pix hopes the Turdburglar does get his aorta puntured by his rib....love the holidays, does the Pix. Bet the mail man does too. Bet he loves delivering 75 catalogues per week per household. Here's the list that came to the chateaux Pix just yesterday....Grow Toys, Mindware, REI, Sensational beginnings, Potttery Barn, Pottery Barn Kids, Pottery Barn Fossils, Solutions, Lands End, Brookstone, Crack Whore Geezers, Asian Milfs, and Frontgate. We get a Frontgate catalogue every day, which seems strange because we have never, nor will we ever, buy anything from Frontgate. Why? Because the Pix doesn't need a $3,000.00 lawn chair that makes strawberry daiquiris. Pix is funny like that. But you know what, Frontgate? A for effort.
Jets -3 over Slags. Um, never mind.
Miami +10 over 49ers. Why is the Pix cranky, you might be asking? Because Pixie had to drive through Salem today. Twice. If we could somehow air lift the center of Salem and put it in between Israel and Palestine we could save everyone lots of trouble.
Vagiants -5 over Saints. Sometimes the Pix reads about little misdemeanors on the internets and wonders how I didn't think of that first. But the bar has been raised, my friends. The bar has been raised.
http://gawker.com/5965966/california-couple-abducts-handyman-forces-him-to-do-home-repairs
Assuming you can open the link....how has the Pix not abducted his own handy man yet? And how much time does one get for this? Because if any sort of probation is involved.......local handi-men should be on the lookout for a middle aged incompetent football blog writer who may or may not need some help around the house. To say that the Pix is handi-challenged would be like saying Hellen Keller wasn't often picked first for dodgeball. Or Choir. Or sharpshooting. Or, well, you get the point. Pix isn't handy. The best part of the story isn't that they drove the handi hostage around to do work at other houses, but that they were still in the snack aisle of the handi-mart when they got arrested. Not that they were baked or anything. Funions, bugels, so MANY choices. And this didn't even happen in Florida. Just a delicious little piece of Americana right there.....
Texans +3 over Patriots. And the reverse jinx continues....Pix goes on Facebook once a week to alert my peeps to a new post. A few observations if the Pix may.....do the people who post 10 times a day know that they have a seriously disproportionate amount activity? Assuming self awareness isn't their thing. If you get a friend request from someone you have heard of, how long do you try to convince yourself you MIGHT know them before you punt? What are the chances you actually did know them, but you are a 45 year old self centered semi senile blog poseur? What about the 19 year old Russian nanny who just wants to meet new people, is she legit? Maybe she likes the 20 pounds the Pix has put on and pictures of all my kids? Chances? Yes? No? Maybe? And if you are over 40, and have over 1000 friends, do you really have any? Or have you just lived in lots of places? Or are you just an internet slut (gender neutral my "friends") who friend requests every person you meet from the person who works at the dmv to the neighbors who you speak to once a year? Just askin, not judgin....
Back to the Pats if you haven't been offended yet. Pix loves how the guru is playing the injury thing. Everyone knows Gronk is healthy and is just doing squats and practicing spikes for the playoffs. Pure genius. And Chandler Jones, according to Pix sources, is resting in Michael Jackson's hypobaric chamber visualizing speed rushes and strip sacks. Pleasing. Last week in Miami the Guru took Cutter and Mador out of the stands and slapped them on the right side of the line for the 4th quarter. Granted, they gave up a sack and two pressures but that was in the parking lot after the game.
On a more serious note, as the holidays approach and we consider the welfare of those less fortunate, let's keep the needy in our thoughts......The Jets, Derek Jeter's beer gut, A-fraud's hip, his other hip, handi-hostage, mail persons humping tons of catalogues, facebook addicts, and particularly those who can't find the seat belt buckle....they're screwed.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Enjoy the games.
Pix out.
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