It was a relatively slow week for the internets. Other than the refauxree controversy in the NFL (which the Pix refuses to discuss any further......maybe), the only story of real note was the dude in California who settled his domestic dispute with the Mrs. by tying her up, strangling her, and then disposing her body by cooking her in the restaurant kitchen that they owned together. Normally the Pix wouldn't care about this, but lately Ol' Pixie's inbox has been filled with requests for relationship advice. Who knew? It appears that the birdpulation is in need of assistance, and as always, the Pix is here to help.
Dear Pix,
This week's sports lineup is the biggest of the year....Ryder cup, college football, pennant races and Patriots....how can I maximize my dear husband's viewing schedule? Am I a bad wife if he misses any of these important events?
Amy C
Dear Amy,
There's really no way to get around the last part of your question. The answer is yes, but the Pix is here to help make sure that this potential calamity doesn't happen. While your dear husband is watching the Ryder cup at work today, hire someone to move the 40" lcd into the same room as the 70" so he always has one screen to view with live action. Then make sure all the remotes are properly charged and synched. I'm assuming that since you are rightfully paying proper homage to this sacred weekend that you have already prepared the food and beverage portion of the program. Amirite? Finally, the children need to know their schedules. Again, I assume you have been rehearsing this all week....one child at a time in the viewing theater. No more than 1 question per half hour, two during bathroom breaks. Your welcome.
Dear Pix,
I was at Crosby's yesterday in the 8 items or less line and while I was paying by check for a rice flour baguette and some gluten free yogurt while I struck up a 5 minute conversation with the cashier about what a nice day it was outside. There was a man behind me in line who appeared agitated. What should I have done?
Signed,
Duh
Dear Duh,
On the one hand the Pix thinks you should have run outside and lit yourself on fire. On the other hand, the Pix understands that if you are desperate enough for companionship that you behave as if a $4.23 transaction should be treated as if it were the treaty of Versailles, you should at least have the time to write out your will bequesting your 4 cats to your aunt then proceed to the parking lot to light yourself on fire. Thanking you thanking the Pix.
Minn +4 over Detroit
Atl -6 over Carolina
Dear Pix,
I hear you like Mimosas. What's the best way to make one?
Signed,
Mo B.
Dear Mo,
Funny you should ask. The Pix could write 5 pages on this topic, but will try to condense this answer to the essentials....First of all, let whomever you are preparing this elixir for sleep in a long as he wants. The tongue crust that builds up between 9 and 11 am releases enzymes that when in contact with bubbly orangey deliciousness cause a chemical reaction described by some scientists as "pleasing" and/or "pleasurable". The recipe:
1. Prepare a gallon of freshly squeezed orange juice and freeze in ice trays the night before.
2. Fill a 16 oz. tumbler with orange juice ice and fill half way with a modestly priced Proseco. Then top off with a shot of Grand Marnier liqueur and a little more freshly squeezed juice. This is the perfect Pix Mimosa. In extreme emergencies (like this Sunday, or any other time) add a shot of vodka. DO NOT attempt to serve this nectar in a feeble champagne flute. The Pix has spoken.
Dear Pix,
Last weekend I made eggs Benedict with Canadian bacon rather than grilled sausage patties. What is the proper punishment for this?
Anonymous
Dear "Anonymous"
It really offends the Pix when I get emails like this. Food substitutions that are this self evident really need to be anticipated for the evolution of birds to continue along its proper path. Canadian bacon is a plague upon us all and must be eradicated from the face of the earth. The fact that Ahmadinejad didn't even address this in his speech to the UN this week proves once and for all his complete and utter insanity. The Pix isn't comparing you to Mahmoud per se, but you PLEASE have to stay on top of these things. And don't even mention The Thomas' English abortions vs. Bay's delicious muffins. The Pix can only take so much.
SF -4 over Jets
KC +1 over SD
Denver -6 over Oakland
Dear Pix,
Recently my three oldest children have all left for school and I find myself for the 1st time in 18 years or so with more time to myself. I have rediscovered a liquid called Chardonnay and am strangely having a really good time. Should I feel guilty about this?
Signed, Confused on Coolidge Rd.
Dear Confused,
Since the Pix has no way of knowing who emails these are from, sometimes the Pix has to make wild guesses.....this is one of those times. Here's what you need to do: First of all, get your husband (again, Pix has no idea who you may be), if you have one, playing Monday night paddle again. The team is thin this year and he needs to eat more Chinese food. Second, to help assuage your loneliness around the house, the Pix recommends you ask some young nieces and nephews over for 10 hour play dates on Saturdays and Sundays. The Pix is worried that your sudden transition from having no time to yourself to copious amounts could lead to irrational behavior like getting a dog or some such disaster. Check thyself before you wreck thyself.
And your garage fridge is out of Bud Lights. Just sayin'....
Ok, the Birds will have to fend for themselves while we turn to important analysis of the 1-2 record for the Patriots. At first the Pix wanted to blame the refauxrees for completely handing games to the Cardinals and Ravens. The Pix hasn't seen cheating that bad since Diane Lane got worked by that French dude in the movie where Richard Gere kills him. You know that movie? Anyhoo, it's now obvious that the Guru is lying in the weeds and letting the rest of the league get overconfident. The Pix wouldn't be surprised if he went as far as losing on purpose in Buffalo this weekend. Like the Pix, the Guru is going old school this year.....focusing on defense, getting hit with massive fines, just a brilliantly executed plan of misdirection and subterfuge. When all is said and done, the Guru will lead his team into New Orleans this February.
Bills +4 over Pats
Enjoy the games everyone and keep the Mimosas coming.
Pix out.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Gluten Shmluten
So the Pix never has a good week after the Patriots lose as 14 point favorites. The Pats are the team that is supposed to make us forget about the radioactive colonoscopy that has been the 2012 Boston Red Sox......a team less likable than AIDS. In other words, the Pix is cranky. Here we go.....
Dallas -7 over TB. Jerry Jones doesn't get much wrong, but the website cowboys.com is apparently Match for gay dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just don't think Jerry should have skimped on the domain name thing while handing out multi year contracts to the likes of Felix Jones. No truth to the rumor that the "Romosexual" chat room on cowboys.com is the most popular.
Vikings +7 over 49ers. Is anybody else getting sick of Jim Harbaugh? Because he's kind of a poseur. He strikes the Pix as the kind of person who would eat brown rice sushi because white rice has a molecule of gluten in it. Here's a little public service announcement from the Pix.......a cup of white rice contains 242 calories....216 for brown rice. The guess here is that the average bird consumes about a half a cup of rice if she's on a major chardonnay and shrimp tempura roll bender. So for the price of 13 calories you can have delicious rolls of white rice sushi or you can choke and gag your way through the most vile food stuff since Bird's Eye frozen vegetable medley with extra lima beans. Birds, never forget that the Pix is looking out for you.
Redskins -3 over Bungles. So C3P0 came back to earth last week and gave it up to the Lambs. In his post game press conference r2d2, who has been in the league precisely 2 weeks, called the Rams a dirty team. Again, NC17 seems like a nice young fellow, but you don't see newly ordained priests tell the Pope how to conduct a multi year pan continental child sex abuse cover up after just two weeks. Get a hold of yourself 7up.
Buffalo -3 over Cleveland. Talk about a sexy matchup of two hot teams and two hot towns!! The Pix can't figure out how this isn't the Sunday night game. Maybe they can get Paul Ryan to handle the coin toss and completely blow the top off this circus.
Arizona +3 over Philly. Can we go back to brown rice sushi for just a second? The Pix mentioned the word gluten back there and it just seems to the Pix that lots of birds are obsessed with gluten free diets these days. Now the Pix doesn't like to pick on the birds TOO much, but, um, it just seems like we've been here before. Atkins, the Zone, acai berries, Dukan.... lots of diet trends (won't call them fads, that would be rude, Pix doesn't like to be rude) have come and gone in the past decade.....it just seems the glutenistas are a really serious crew. These days the Pix can't browse a culinary periodical in search of a new tasty dish without glutenmania hijacking the whole thing. The Pix just has one question, for the last 10,000 years the most ubiquitously and consistently protein consumed by humans has been gluten. How come it's more poisonous than battery acid all of a sudden? Anyone? Bueller? Ok, let's just move on.
Miami + 3 over Jets. Brian Hartline is the Pix' new favorite Dolphin (there wasn't much competition). Asked by the media this week about facing the Jets, Hartline went into a rant about how Tim Tebow is Kim Kardashian (has he been reading the Pix?). Someone without a discernable talent but is famous for being famous. Hardest thing about not writing the Pix last season was watching Tedashian get slurped by the media for going 3-17, 96 yards and 2 picks. Stay tuned for more Kim Tedashian bashing in this space.
Indy -3 over Slaguars. Almost to the finish line......speaking of being famous for being famous, Monica Lewinsky just signed a 12 million dollar book deal for a tell all about ol' Billsies. Evidently she will reveal the shocker that Hil and Bill had a sub par sex life. Really? The Pix was sure the Clintons had a trapeze and gravity boots in the Lincoln bed room and hosted swinging parties with Al and Tipper (and James Carville in a donkey mask). What tipped Mon chi chi off? Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones? Kathleen Wiley? Juanita Broaddrick? Hillary's face? The Pix has a tell all book to sell with shocking revelations such as: The Guru is the greatest coach EVAH, Pix likes deliciousness, Pix likes the Patriots, TB and Giselle are a moderately attractive couple who the Pix would like to hang out with. Where's the 12 million?
Patriots +3 over Rayvens. Yes, the Pix spelled it that way on purpose. Has anyone seen the new Subaru add (google it, it's called "moral support")? It's atrocious, egregious, outlandish, and makes the Pix want to take back the 5 cents he donates to UNICEF every halloween. Here's the deal.....some hipster dweeb driving a Suburu is following his marginally attractive bird friend, or even worse, wife (who is evidently in a bike race against no one....she has the spanx and the number on her chest but nobody else is in the race) and skipping ahead to places on the "course" where he has hand painted signs of encouragement. What bothers the Pix isn't necessarily that this geek is more whipped than Skip from "Family Matters", it's that whomever cast this commercial found the one bird in the country who rides a bike worse than Michael J. Fox after a fifth of Smirnoff. The final scene has Skippy opening a gluten free pizza box with the words "you're gay" on the inside. Ok, the Pix made that up. He writes "I love you". Puh...lease.
Ok, Pix out of steam....have a great weekend and stick to white rice.
Pix out.
Dallas -7 over TB. Jerry Jones doesn't get much wrong, but the website cowboys.com is apparently Match for gay dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just don't think Jerry should have skimped on the domain name thing while handing out multi year contracts to the likes of Felix Jones. No truth to the rumor that the "Romosexual" chat room on cowboys.com is the most popular.
Vikings +7 over 49ers. Is anybody else getting sick of Jim Harbaugh? Because he's kind of a poseur. He strikes the Pix as the kind of person who would eat brown rice sushi because white rice has a molecule of gluten in it. Here's a little public service announcement from the Pix.......a cup of white rice contains 242 calories....216 for brown rice. The guess here is that the average bird consumes about a half a cup of rice if she's on a major chardonnay and shrimp tempura roll bender. So for the price of 13 calories you can have delicious rolls of white rice sushi or you can choke and gag your way through the most vile food stuff since Bird's Eye frozen vegetable medley with extra lima beans. Birds, never forget that the Pix is looking out for you.
Redskins -3 over Bungles. So C3P0 came back to earth last week and gave it up to the Lambs. In his post game press conference r2d2, who has been in the league precisely 2 weeks, called the Rams a dirty team. Again, NC17 seems like a nice young fellow, but you don't see newly ordained priests tell the Pope how to conduct a multi year pan continental child sex abuse cover up after just two weeks. Get a hold of yourself 7up.
Buffalo -3 over Cleveland. Talk about a sexy matchup of two hot teams and two hot towns!! The Pix can't figure out how this isn't the Sunday night game. Maybe they can get Paul Ryan to handle the coin toss and completely blow the top off this circus.
Arizona +3 over Philly. Can we go back to brown rice sushi for just a second? The Pix mentioned the word gluten back there and it just seems to the Pix that lots of birds are obsessed with gluten free diets these days. Now the Pix doesn't like to pick on the birds TOO much, but, um, it just seems like we've been here before. Atkins, the Zone, acai berries, Dukan.... lots of diet trends (won't call them fads, that would be rude, Pix doesn't like to be rude) have come and gone in the past decade.....it just seems the glutenistas are a really serious crew. These days the Pix can't browse a culinary periodical in search of a new tasty dish without glutenmania hijacking the whole thing. The Pix just has one question, for the last 10,000 years the most ubiquitously and consistently protein consumed by humans has been gluten. How come it's more poisonous than battery acid all of a sudden? Anyone? Bueller? Ok, let's just move on.
Miami + 3 over Jets. Brian Hartline is the Pix' new favorite Dolphin (there wasn't much competition). Asked by the media this week about facing the Jets, Hartline went into a rant about how Tim Tebow is Kim Kardashian (has he been reading the Pix?). Someone without a discernable talent but is famous for being famous. Hardest thing about not writing the Pix last season was watching Tedashian get slurped by the media for going 3-17, 96 yards and 2 picks. Stay tuned for more Kim Tedashian bashing in this space.
Indy -3 over Slaguars. Almost to the finish line......speaking of being famous for being famous, Monica Lewinsky just signed a 12 million dollar book deal for a tell all about ol' Billsies. Evidently she will reveal the shocker that Hil and Bill had a sub par sex life. Really? The Pix was sure the Clintons had a trapeze and gravity boots in the Lincoln bed room and hosted swinging parties with Al and Tipper (and James Carville in a donkey mask). What tipped Mon chi chi off? Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones? Kathleen Wiley? Juanita Broaddrick? Hillary's face? The Pix has a tell all book to sell with shocking revelations such as: The Guru is the greatest coach EVAH, Pix likes deliciousness, Pix likes the Patriots, TB and Giselle are a moderately attractive couple who the Pix would like to hang out with. Where's the 12 million?
Patriots +3 over Rayvens. Yes, the Pix spelled it that way on purpose. Has anyone seen the new Subaru add (google it, it's called "moral support")? It's atrocious, egregious, outlandish, and makes the Pix want to take back the 5 cents he donates to UNICEF every halloween. Here's the deal.....some hipster dweeb driving a Suburu is following his marginally attractive bird friend, or even worse, wife (who is evidently in a bike race against no one....she has the spanx and the number on her chest but nobody else is in the race) and skipping ahead to places on the "course" where he has hand painted signs of encouragement. What bothers the Pix isn't necessarily that this geek is more whipped than Skip from "Family Matters", it's that whomever cast this commercial found the one bird in the country who rides a bike worse than Michael J. Fox after a fifth of Smirnoff. The final scene has Skippy opening a gluten free pizza box with the words "you're gay" on the inside. Ok, the Pix made that up. He writes "I love you". Puh...lease.
Ok, Pix out of steam....have a great weekend and stick to white rice.
Pix out.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Rapid Randomness
Once again the Pix is going old school this week and bringing back the random format for the games. The Pix:
Texans -7 at Slaguars. Who cares....So anyways, it seems Russian Prime Minister Dimitri Medvedev is calling for the release of Pussy Riot from prison. Given that President Putin just got finished arresting these hogs a few weeks ago, this seems premature. Look, the Pix doesn't know much about Russia or their system of jurisprudence, but the Gulag used to stand for something. If you're going to arrest Pussy Riot, then go ahead and arrest Pussy Riot, but don't then just let them out like the whole thing was some Gulag fantasy camp experience. And whose in charge over there? Putin? Medvedev? The Russians used to matter.... now they win fewer gold medals than France and run around Eastern Europe catching and releasing ugly lesbian punk rock bands. Get it together Russia!!!
Raiders -2 1/2 over Dolphins. So a little football here.......it appears JJ Watt of the Texans was able to learn the Dolphins snap count from watching "Hard Knocks" on HBO. This does not surprise the Pix. Ever since Don Shula left, the Dolphins have been marching clown coaches through Miami like the Republicans march rich white male religious fanatic fossils through their nomination process. For those of you who didn't watch "Hard Knocks", new Miami coach Joe Philbin makes the Pix think football coach in the same way that Honey Boo Boo's mother makes the Pix think lingerie model. Google her. Welcome back. Russians, Dophins, Republicans.....it's not the 80's anymore.
Redskins -3 over Rams. So PG 13 had himself a pretty good opener, breaking the record for best passing day for a rookie quarterback. The Pix would like nothing more than the Redskins to take over the NFC east again. Very sick of the VaGiants. In other news, the internets are ablaze this am with news of Kate Middleton's cans being snapped by the pap. Of course, the Royals are shocked, blah, blah, blah. They do realize it's 2012, right? The Pix doesn't know much, but Pix does know that if you are one of the hottest and most famous birds on earth and you take your puppies for a stroll in broad daylight, there WILL be pictures. And they will be on the internets. The Duchess of Can bridge should have known that. BTW, Pix was wrong...had her pegged for a B cup but she's definitely an A. Pix ain't mad at her though.
Philly +2 over Ravens. Speaking of puppies, the dog whisperer really needs a better showing than the turd he put on the field in Cleveland. Also, speaking of turds, Adrian Gonzalez is batting .221 with the Dodgers since leaving the Red Sox and L.A. is 1-7 in their last 8 games. The Pix is pleased.
Jets +6 over Steelers. *****Breaking News******It's not often that the Pix beats the major networks for global scoop, but the Pix has done it today......Dorothy Hamill is now accepting applications for her 2013 figure skating fantasy camp. Why is this important you might ask? Because the Pix is IN.
Cinci -7 vs Cleveland. Ok........let's back up here a moment for some perspective on Dorothy Hamill's figure skating fantasy camp. The official wife and the Pix have an "agreement", as the Pix understands most married couples do. Some may call it an "ass pass", but Pix prefers "stray for a day" because the Pix has manners. Anyhoo, word on the street is that John Hamm may be in Marblehead this year at some point to film a show with Larry David. And if the official wife gets within shouting distance of Sir John Hamm......well, there's going to be trouble. And a naked official wife. So this got the Pix thinking......can't let the old married bird get her stray on without Pixie poo enjoying some hot celebrity cheating action. Now, the Pix owns a mirror and is therefore under no illusions that any members of the current stray list are going to bed the Pix. Ms. Hamill, however, is 56 years old, within driving distance, is still blazing hot, appears to have minimal security, and interfaces with the public regularly via her fantasy camp. Hmmmmmmm. Let's just say if you see a black Chevy Avalanche doing 90 on 84 South, Hamill's camel and the Pix have a date.
Patriots -14 vs Cardinals. So Fraudger Clemens is superimposing himself into the news again. It apparently isn't enough for him that everyone in the country who wasn't on the perjury trial jury believes he used steroids. He now feels the need to pitch in a MLB game and prove it once in for all. Because nothing says "I don't take performance enhancers" like pitching at 50 better than you did at 33. The Pix doesn't care if Fraudger pitches for the Sugarland Skeeters, the Dubuque Dingleberries or the Bangor Fart Whistles......if the Astros let this stain take the mound in order to delay his hall of fame vote 5 years they are bigger weapons grade retards than domestic residents of Dumbfukistan who watch Honey Boo Boo.
On a less angry note, this is probably the last weekend of the fall before kids sports get into full swing and football watching becomes tricky. The Pats also have what appears to be the easiest game of the year on the schedule as the geezers from AZ have to fly across 3 time zones and play for them what would be a 10:00 am game. In other words, the Nest will be opening this Sunday at 11:00 am for some tomfoolery and ballyhoo. Price of admission is 12 cans of deliciousness and a picture of Dorothy Hamill.
Pix out.....
Texans -7 at Slaguars. Who cares....So anyways, it seems Russian Prime Minister Dimitri Medvedev is calling for the release of Pussy Riot from prison. Given that President Putin just got finished arresting these hogs a few weeks ago, this seems premature. Look, the Pix doesn't know much about Russia or their system of jurisprudence, but the Gulag used to stand for something. If you're going to arrest Pussy Riot, then go ahead and arrest Pussy Riot, but don't then just let them out like the whole thing was some Gulag fantasy camp experience. And whose in charge over there? Putin? Medvedev? The Russians used to matter.... now they win fewer gold medals than France and run around Eastern Europe catching and releasing ugly lesbian punk rock bands. Get it together Russia!!!
Raiders -2 1/2 over Dolphins. So a little football here.......it appears JJ Watt of the Texans was able to learn the Dolphins snap count from watching "Hard Knocks" on HBO. This does not surprise the Pix. Ever since Don Shula left, the Dolphins have been marching clown coaches through Miami like the Republicans march rich white male religious fanatic fossils through their nomination process. For those of you who didn't watch "Hard Knocks", new Miami coach Joe Philbin makes the Pix think football coach in the same way that Honey Boo Boo's mother makes the Pix think lingerie model. Google her. Welcome back. Russians, Dophins, Republicans.....it's not the 80's anymore.
Redskins -3 over Rams. So PG 13 had himself a pretty good opener, breaking the record for best passing day for a rookie quarterback. The Pix would like nothing more than the Redskins to take over the NFC east again. Very sick of the VaGiants. In other news, the internets are ablaze this am with news of Kate Middleton's cans being snapped by the pap. Of course, the Royals are shocked, blah, blah, blah. They do realize it's 2012, right? The Pix doesn't know much, but Pix does know that if you are one of the hottest and most famous birds on earth and you take your puppies for a stroll in broad daylight, there WILL be pictures. And they will be on the internets. The Duchess of Can bridge should have known that. BTW, Pix was wrong...had her pegged for a B cup but she's definitely an A. Pix ain't mad at her though.
Philly +2 over Ravens. Speaking of puppies, the dog whisperer really needs a better showing than the turd he put on the field in Cleveland. Also, speaking of turds, Adrian Gonzalez is batting .221 with the Dodgers since leaving the Red Sox and L.A. is 1-7 in their last 8 games. The Pix is pleased.
Jets +6 over Steelers. *****Breaking News******It's not often that the Pix beats the major networks for global scoop, but the Pix has done it today......Dorothy Hamill is now accepting applications for her 2013 figure skating fantasy camp. Why is this important you might ask? Because the Pix is IN.
Cinci -7 vs Cleveland. Ok........let's back up here a moment for some perspective on Dorothy Hamill's figure skating fantasy camp. The official wife and the Pix have an "agreement", as the Pix understands most married couples do. Some may call it an "ass pass", but Pix prefers "stray for a day" because the Pix has manners. Anyhoo, word on the street is that John Hamm may be in Marblehead this year at some point to film a show with Larry David. And if the official wife gets within shouting distance of Sir John Hamm......well, there's going to be trouble. And a naked official wife. So this got the Pix thinking......can't let the old married bird get her stray on without Pixie poo enjoying some hot celebrity cheating action. Now, the Pix owns a mirror and is therefore under no illusions that any members of the current stray list are going to bed the Pix. Ms. Hamill, however, is 56 years old, within driving distance, is still blazing hot, appears to have minimal security, and interfaces with the public regularly via her fantasy camp. Hmmmmmmm. Let's just say if you see a black Chevy Avalanche doing 90 on 84 South, Hamill's camel and the Pix have a date.
Patriots -14 vs Cardinals. So Fraudger Clemens is superimposing himself into the news again. It apparently isn't enough for him that everyone in the country who wasn't on the perjury trial jury believes he used steroids. He now feels the need to pitch in a MLB game and prove it once in for all. Because nothing says "I don't take performance enhancers" like pitching at 50 better than you did at 33. The Pix doesn't care if Fraudger pitches for the Sugarland Skeeters, the Dubuque Dingleberries or the Bangor Fart Whistles......if the Astros let this stain take the mound in order to delay his hall of fame vote 5 years they are bigger weapons grade retards than domestic residents of Dumbfukistan who watch Honey Boo Boo.
On a less angry note, this is probably the last weekend of the fall before kids sports get into full swing and football watching becomes tricky. The Pats also have what appears to be the easiest game of the year on the schedule as the geezers from AZ have to fly across 3 time zones and play for them what would be a 10:00 am game. In other words, the Nest will be opening this Sunday at 11:00 am for some tomfoolery and ballyhoo. Price of admission is 12 cans of deliciousness and a picture of Dorothy Hamill.
Pix out.....
Friday, September 7, 2012
Oh, hello there
The Pix 2012 is going back to it's 2006 roots. A little football, irregular posts, lots of fart jokes, random randomness, and a little political hazing. The internets have been ablaze since the Pix last posted with topics such as Pussy Riot, Jerry Sandusky, Peyton's neck, and of course.....politics.
Given that politics divide so many, and that there seems to be little that the left and right can agree on in the US, the Pix has been diligently searching for a way to unite both sides. Aggressive you say? Presumptuous and pointless? Perhaps not.......as the Pix has discovered a society so advanced beyond conventional thinking that the list of great societal ponderers has to be reset. In the past the list may have gone something like this:
1. Plato
2. Jefferson
3. Belichick
But a way of life so simple yet profound has been brought to the attention of the Pix. A justice system so fair and self evident that it has brought the Pix out of retirement in order to share what can only be described as a game changer of intergalactic proportions.
The Pix refers, of course, to the Chagga tribe of Tanzania. In his ground breaking new book, CURIOUS BEHAVIOR: YAWNING, LAUGHING, HICCUPPING AND BEYOND, author Robert R. Provine introduces us to this marvelous crew:
"Consider the sad fate of Pu Sao of the Tikopia in Polynesia, who was so overcome with shame after farting in the presence of the chief that he committed suicide by climbing a palm tree and impaling himself through the rectum with a sharply pointed branch. Sanctions are less severe among the Chagga of Tanzania, but feminists have a lot of work to do there. If a husband breaks wind, the wife must pretend that it was really she who discharged, and she must submit to scolding about it. Failure to accept responsibility can cost the negligent wife three barrels of beer."
Ok, the Pix knows there's a lot to digest here, so let's take a moment to reflect on the wisdom of the Chagga. Leaving behind the sad fate of Pu Sao, Provine maps out for us, via the Chagga, a blueprint for redefining justice and extrapolating their theories of social structure into improving fields such as gender relations, commerce and of course, geopolitical conflict.
For example, the longstanding fart blame paradigm has always consisted of two main schools of thought:
1. Whoever smelt it delt it.
2. Whoever denied it supplied it.
Despite roughly 6 millennium of human existence, homo sapiens has never found a way to reconcile this conflict, much less the appropriate amount of restitution due to aggrieved party. In one simple piece of logic, the Chagga render both issues moot....
Is it the Pix, or have the Chagga not perfected the concept of no fault insurance (something Massachusetts drivers know a little something about)??
Except they have distilled their philosophy into such refined perfection, that, really, no other laws need to be written into Chagga legislature. Stolen goat? Bird did it. Property dispute? Here's 3 barrells of beer. Punishment? Bird gets a scolding........3 more barrells of beer.
Consider this scenario.....some teenager gets caught stealing the laptop from your car....which outcome would you prefer as the victim of this crime?
A. Stain apologizes and gets 10 hours of community service.
B. His girlfriend comes over for a scolding and gives you 3 kegs of deliciousness.
Um............the Pix has spoken. Can someone get the Chagga at least a facebook page? Pix Likes.
The Pix....
Bills +3 over Jets.
Hmmmmmm. The Pix can't remember....did the Jets make any offseason acquisitions this year? We'll save that for a future week
Saints -8 over Redskins.
RG3 is just a terrible nickname. Seems like a fine fellow, but RG3 needs to go. PG 13? NC 17? Pix needs a few more weeks to sort this out.
Steelers +1 over Donkeys.
Just two despicable quarterbacks here. Turd burglar vs. America's sweetheart Dr. Chicken neck. Never has the Pix rooted so hard for vertebrae to snap. Moving on before Pix gets less charitable.
Pats -6 over some redneck team in the middle of Dumbfukistan. Uh, oh, Pix getting a little surly after the quasi two year layoff. Let's just talk Pats.....
The Guru has done it again. He begins the year with the most talent on the roster since 2007 and is doing so with the youngest squad he has ever had. Guru simultaneously re-loads and re-builds. No way with this amount of wisdom the Guru isn't at least 1/8th Chagga. Pats regular season record 12-4. The Pix has spoken.
Thanks to everyone asking to bring back the Pix for 2012 season. Hopefully we can have some chuckles, stay out of prison, learn about fascinating cultures, drink some deliciousness......and watch Brady & crew bring home their 4th Lombardi tropy.
Pix out.....
Given that politics divide so many, and that there seems to be little that the left and right can agree on in the US, the Pix has been diligently searching for a way to unite both sides. Aggressive you say? Presumptuous and pointless? Perhaps not.......as the Pix has discovered a society so advanced beyond conventional thinking that the list of great societal ponderers has to be reset. In the past the list may have gone something like this:
1. Plato
2. Jefferson
3. Belichick
But a way of life so simple yet profound has been brought to the attention of the Pix. A justice system so fair and self evident that it has brought the Pix out of retirement in order to share what can only be described as a game changer of intergalactic proportions.
The Pix refers, of course, to the Chagga tribe of Tanzania. In his ground breaking new book, CURIOUS BEHAVIOR: YAWNING, LAUGHING, HICCUPPING AND BEYOND, author Robert R. Provine introduces us to this marvelous crew:
"Consider the sad fate of Pu Sao of the Tikopia in Polynesia, who was so overcome with shame after farting in the presence of the chief that he committed suicide by climbing a palm tree and impaling himself through the rectum with a sharply pointed branch. Sanctions are less severe among the Chagga of Tanzania, but feminists have a lot of work to do there. If a husband breaks wind, the wife must pretend that it was really she who discharged, and she must submit to scolding about it. Failure to accept responsibility can cost the negligent wife three barrels of beer."
Ok, the Pix knows there's a lot to digest here, so let's take a moment to reflect on the wisdom of the Chagga. Leaving behind the sad fate of Pu Sao, Provine maps out for us, via the Chagga, a blueprint for redefining justice and extrapolating their theories of social structure into improving fields such as gender relations, commerce and of course, geopolitical conflict.
For example, the longstanding fart blame paradigm has always consisted of two main schools of thought:
1. Whoever smelt it delt it.
2. Whoever denied it supplied it.
Despite roughly 6 millennium of human existence, homo sapiens has never found a way to reconcile this conflict, much less the appropriate amount of restitution due to aggrieved party. In one simple piece of logic, the Chagga render both issues moot....
Is it the Pix, or have the Chagga not perfected the concept of no fault insurance (something Massachusetts drivers know a little something about)??
Except they have distilled their philosophy into such refined perfection, that, really, no other laws need to be written into Chagga legislature. Stolen goat? Bird did it. Property dispute? Here's 3 barrells of beer. Punishment? Bird gets a scolding........3 more barrells of beer.
Consider this scenario.....some teenager gets caught stealing the laptop from your car....which outcome would you prefer as the victim of this crime?
A. Stain apologizes and gets 10 hours of community service.
B. His girlfriend comes over for a scolding and gives you 3 kegs of deliciousness.
Um............the Pix has spoken. Can someone get the Chagga at least a facebook page? Pix Likes.
The Pix....
Bills +3 over Jets.
Hmmmmmm. The Pix can't remember....did the Jets make any offseason acquisitions this year? We'll save that for a future week
Saints -8 over Redskins.
RG3 is just a terrible nickname. Seems like a fine fellow, but RG3 needs to go. PG 13? NC 17? Pix needs a few more weeks to sort this out.
Steelers +1 over Donkeys.
Just two despicable quarterbacks here. Turd burglar vs. America's sweetheart Dr. Chicken neck. Never has the Pix rooted so hard for vertebrae to snap. Moving on before Pix gets less charitable.
Pats -6 over some redneck team in the middle of Dumbfukistan. Uh, oh, Pix getting a little surly after the quasi two year layoff. Let's just talk Pats.....
The Guru has done it again. He begins the year with the most talent on the roster since 2007 and is doing so with the youngest squad he has ever had. Guru simultaneously re-loads and re-builds. No way with this amount of wisdom the Guru isn't at least 1/8th Chagga. Pats regular season record 12-4. The Pix has spoken.
Thanks to everyone asking to bring back the Pix for 2012 season. Hopefully we can have some chuckles, stay out of prison, learn about fascinating cultures, drink some deliciousness......and watch Brady & crew bring home their 4th Lombardi tropy.
Pix out.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)