Boston's domination of the global sports scene has the Pix somewhat
flustered. Aside from boozing until one in the morning every night of
the week (thanks to MLB's starting games at 9:00 pm)..... and the
incongruity of all these teams that we grew up being tortured by now
smoking any and all comers, The Pix can't help from feeling that the
galaxy might be getting ready to lay a beat down on us. I guess that
partially explains Hilary leading in the polls. Or Mayor Menino.
Either way, it leaves the Pix unable to put together any coherent
thoughts.......so here are some incoherent ones.

If I were the CEO of Trident, I would track down the 5th dentist and
find out what the heck his problem is. It's been like 30 years and they
can't convince this guy to come around? I'd load up on stock, take his
family hostage and then cash in when he anounced his change of heart.

What ever happened to mopeds? Aside from the fat girl jokes I can't
figure out why they haven't made a comeback yet. And with $92 barrel
oil we just build bigger SUVs. Wasn't the whole conservation thing part
of why mopeds took off in the 70's? So now we are going to build
hybrids but mopeds are no good? I don't get it. Same thing for
windsurfers. Where did all these kayaks come from?

I love the people with the "Not on our watch" signs in their yards
regarding Darfur. How pretentious. Really? Not on you watch? Seems
to the Pix that the poo is still going down in Sudan despite the fact
that you have a 3 foot sign in your yard. Here's a list of what's on
your watch........paper or plastic, Jiff or Skippy and.....wait, that's
it. That's what you are in charge of. Have at it.

TV channels should be the same everywhere. I hate going to an out of
town friend's house, ripping the remote out of his wife's hands and then
not knowing where ESPN is. Then I have to ask her and she doesn't even
know. Pathetic. The Pix.....

Cleveland -3 over St. Louis. Poor Cleveland. Really, everyone who
lives there and loves sports should just move.

Detroit +5 over Chicago. Mr. Vegas went to game one of the Series and
paid $500 to sit behind a pole. Literally sit behind a pole. For those
of you unfamiliar with Fenway, there are poles there. With seats
directly behind them. I would have paid a grand.

Indy -6 over Carolina. I want all the people moving from Cleveland to
move to Indy so we can make them our biznotches all over again.

Mia +11 over NY. Here's a direct quote from Dolphin lb Channing
Crowder, "I couldn't find London on a map unless they had the names on
the countries. I swear to God. I don't know what nothing is. I know
Italy loods like a boot. I know London Fletcher. We did a football
camp together. So I know him. That's the closest thing I know to
London. He's black, so I'm sure he's not from London. I'm sure that's
a coincidental name." He went on to say that until Tuesday he was
unaware of fact that people in London spoke English. Channing Crowder,
you are now the official European correspondent of the Pix.
Congratulations.

Ten -7 over Oakland. Really, that was an actual quote from Mr. Crowder.
Graduate of the University of Florida. (note to self, attend FU, take
business classes and become CEO of Trident).

Minn pick over Philly.
Pitt -3 over Cinmates.
Buff +3 over Jets. The mangina is 1-6, the Yanks lost Torre and are
about to lose A-rod, the Mets just pulled off one of the all time sports
gag jobs and Isiah Thomas is still GM of the Knicks. In related news,
the Pix just opened another can of deliciousness.

SD -11 over Hous. Ladudian will be "on fire" this week. (sorry, God)

Jax +5 over TB.
Saints -3 over SF.
Donkees -3 over Breet.

New England -16.5 over Wash. What else is there to say about Brady? The
Guru? Pedroia? Papelbon? Papi? Youk? The Celtics? These are heady
times indeed for the friends of the Pix. Keep your fridges stocked with
ample deliciousness, your hands on the remote and the Darfur signs off
your lawns and you will be fine.

An EXTREMELY abbreviated version of the Pix this week.....first of all,
thanks and kudos to our new Ovarian correspondent Sue C for enlightening
all the knuckle draggers on the Pix list. Sue has been breaking it down
old school for years now. Like the Pix, Sue has a unique way of looking
at the world (i.e. she dislikes most people and mildly tolerates the
rest). Look forward to future contributions from Sue this year on such
topics as:

The Happy Ending.......cheating or just common sense?

MADD.......have they gone too far?

Sean McDonough.......underrated commentator or 6th village person?

Chad......impoverished African nation or just a bad name for a boy?

White Male Heterosexual day..........isn't it time?

And the importance of good posture, a negative attitude, how to make a
tub of Mai Tais with one ingredient and the value of a strong wire cup.
The Pix.........(and yes, I know you don't read these, but it is how all
this got started so humor the Pix)


Wash -6 over Arizona
NO -8 over ATL
Buff +3 over Bal
Mia +15 over NE.
SF +10 over NY
TB +2 over Det
Tenn -1 over Hous
Oak -3 over KC
Cinmates -6 over Mangina
Minn + 10 over Dall
Chi +6 over Phi
Seattle -9 over Rams
Turd -3 over Donkeys
Indy -3 over Jax

Sorry for short stuff this week. No time. And ladies, Mia +15 over NE
does not mean I think the Patriots are going to lose. The line is for
gambling purposes. Not to haze the gender, but several comments
erroneously aimed at the Pix have required a quick schooling. That is
all.

Quick bonus Pix....over/under on vessels of liquid intoxicant and
deliciousness for the weekend....63. Take the over.

Recently the Pix was informed by his wife that due to some modestly
unfortunate behavior, he had "lost some points" and was further
admonished to clean up his act unless he wanted to "lose more". This
made the Pix wonder how this points system ever got started in the first
place. And why are all the rules of the game dominated by one gender?
What's more confusing is that the rules to the points game have never
been clearly layed out. The Pix needs some kind of running scoreboard
or at least a general points guideline if he can ever hope to stay
competitive. For example, playing golf followed by several bottles of
deliciousness apparently can have severe points repercussions. But
sometimes it doesn't. When is one to know? Somewhat more obvious is
forgetting to erase the browser cookies on the family laptop before the
babysitter borrows it for a homework assignment. Unfortunate. And why
do positive actions seem to result in so few points? Also and even more
unfairly........positive points seem to expire extraordinarily quickly.
The Pix recently thought he was in a massive bonus point situation only
to find out that he was perilously close to crossing into negative
territory. And then did so by "breathing too loudly". Shouldn't there
also be a secondary market for Points? What if my boy Jefe needs some
and I have some extra to give? Can I just call Susannah and make a
transfer? Unfortunately, friends of the Pix always seem to be in common
point deficits at the same time, so that rule wouldn't even help. The
Pix calls for the fomation of a points committee chaired by Sue Collins,
(who has passed out her fair share of demerits in her time), Tracy
Ackerman (she scares me in a strange way) and Daye (official wife of the
Pix). Ladies, please let us know the whats, wheres, whens and whatevers
of the points system so we at least have a fighting chance. Meanwhile,
the men will meet at the G5 and come up with a system that allows us the
least amount of pain while putting forth the least amount of effort.
It's how we got here in the first place. The Pix........

Cinmates +3 over KC. Only slightly less boring than the NLCS.

Jax -6.5 over Houston.

Mia +5 over Cleveland.

Chicago -6 over Minn. I understand that giving back rubs and head rubs
accrue massive amounts of points in a short amount of time, but it's
hard to concentrate on the television while doing this.

Philly +3 over Manginas. Giggling.......now
chuckling.....guffaw........belly laugh.....culminating in rolling on
the floor in pure delight......the Pix' reaction to the events of Monday
night in the Bronx. The now annual Yankee elimination day has surpassed
Christmas and Martin L. King Jr day combined. Yankee elimination day
makes Thanksgiving look like secretary's day. Jeter, A Rod, Damon and
Posada all tearfully gazing at the pitcher's mound while the Tribe
celebrated like a score of crazed brides. Delicous, delectable and
delightful.

Rams + 10 over Ravens. Did I mention the Yankees are out of the
playoffs?

Tenn +3 over TB. Truth be told, the Pix couldn't handle another
Yanks-Sox ALCS. The 7 hour games. The biased anouncers, Ronan Tynan,
Susie Waldman etc....at least we'll all get a little sleep this week.

Wash +3 over GB. Now that Breet has tied the all time interception mark
set by a guy who smoked butts at halftime and wore depends his last two
seasons, maybe John Madden and Peter King can remove the kneepads for
just one week and talk about.....I don't know.....the best team in the
history of the NFL and the fact that the Guru is coaching circles around
the league using a notepad and grey sweatshirt? Doubtful. Better chance
of Emmitt Smith actually putting together a coherent sentence.

Arizona -3 over Carolina. Move along people, nothing to see here.

Oak +11 over SD. It was much more fun watching a whining Ladudian
Tampon and Shawn Syringe Merriman lament their way to the cellar of the
AFC West. Let's hope they go back to their Norvian ways.

NO +7 over Seattle.

New York -3 over Atl. The Bobby Petrino honeymoon in Atl didn't last
very long.

Pats -4 over Dallas. Me thinks this will be a beatdown. The Guru is
actually 1-2 lifetime against Wade Philips' coached teams. That
statistic has no place in a rational universe. The only troublesome
thing going into this game is that the Pix found out this week that Tom
Brady is the new "Steston Man". Really? Were Lectric Shave and English
Leather not offering lucrative deals? Tom, CVS is for buying greeting
cards, mini toiletries and condoms.........not cologne. Let's police up
the endorsments and get back with Bridgette. You need to trust me on
this. I've consulted with the Committee and you are losing Points.

Bonus Pix.....Red Sox in 7.

Jihad alert.....Crosby's is one step away from either a Fatwah or the
boycott list. The Pix is sick and tired of their trickeration and
strategery. They refuse to package ground beef in 1 lb increments,
instead craftily making you buy two packages of .72 lbs or one package
of 1.38 lbs. Nobody needs 1.38 lbs of ground beef. The taco package
clearly states one lb per batch of tacos. In addition, nobody wants 4
.18 lb burgers. It's like when McDonalds suddenly started secretly
widening the circumfrence of their straws in the 70's and substituting
veggie oil for beef tallow in the fryalators. We weren't fooled then and
won't be fooled now. Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves. The
Community Store conveniently offers 1 lb packages for qround beef as
well as having a much better wine selection. If it weren't for a
suspect produce section and a parking situation even less efficient than
the Tower shool's afternoon pickup, they could easily be the official
local grocer of the Pix. As it stands, the competition is still
open.....

Enjoy your weekends.

As the new TV season kicks off the Pix is forced to examine the
networks's new fall lineup and ask........what the #@^&*?????????? The
Bionic Woman? Really? That's the best they could come with? I suppose
Alf was holding out for too much glue. Why not just team up Bea Arthur
and Angela Lansbury for a remake of Cagney and Lacey? Let me get this
straight.......Friday Night Lights is already relegated to the Friday
night graveyard, ER is most likely in it's last season, HBO and Showtime
cxled their best shows (Huff, Deadwood and Rome) and now we are stuck
with a new season of ............absolutely nothing good. After the
baseball playoffs it will be a nightly search through the Food network,
History and Travel channels and reruns of shows from prior DECADES.
Amazing that M.A.S.H is still totally watchable. I'd rather watch an
episode of The Waltons (before grandma's stroke...she looked too weird
after that) than CSI Tewksbury or whatever is going on with Howie Mandel
and those suitcases. It's bad enough that Hollywood is incapable of
producing much outside of Spiderman 3, Batman 4, Superman 3, Catwoman
etc....I don't have to go see that nonsense. But I am expecting a
little something for the nights I stay at home considering my cable bill
is more per month than a new television (non flat screen). Until then
I'll just continue to contemplate the mysteries of why Andy is still
living with Aunt B despite the fact that Miss Crump is pretty hot and
why Otis is constantly in the wrapper even though there are no bars in
Mayberry. The Pix........

Arizona -3 over Rams. Speaking of 1950 reruns, the dude who played
Superman looks like Phil Mickelson after the holiday season. And why is
his underwear on the outside of his outfit?

Tenn -8 over Atl. No jokes here. Vince Young is everthing Vick could
have been and more. The Pix was wrong about Vince. MVP by 2011.

Saints -3 over Carolina. The Panthers are so boring the Pix didn't even
include their game last week. Yawn.

Cleve +17 over Pats. Just don't think the Guru will run it up against
his boy Romeo. He saves that for the traitors like..........

NY -3 over NY. Get it? The Pix wins no matter what.

Wash -3 over Detroit. Lions have never won in DC. Landry and Taylor
are the best safety tandem in NFL.

Jax +2 over KC. Why did Hollywood dump Robin for the Batman films?
Maybe because he looked like a skinny Nathan Lane headed out to a Mardi
Gras parade.

Houston -5 over Mia. Best new show on TV.....K'Ville. Mon nights on
Fox. Your welcome.

Seattle + 6 over Pitt. JB, 0011 and the Pix are headed to the steel
city this December for the Pitt/Jax game. The Pix is going to steal the
Hamburglar's outfit, put a number 7 on the back and write TURD over it.


Tampa +10 over Indy. Colts will rest their injured guys headed into a
bye week against a non division opponent. And Dungy will still wear his
turtleneck. Last guy spotted in public with a turtleneck was Bartman at
the 2003 Cubs/Marlins LCS. Bartman's excuse was that he's mildly
retarded. What's Dungy's?

Balt -3 over San Fran.

Denver pick over SD. Donkeys at home.

Chi +4 over GB. Nothing left to say about Breet. If he can't figure
out how to broker a long term peace in Iraq, then no one can.

Dallas -10 over Buff. This line looks wrong. Why aren't these guys
favored by 17?

That's it. Pix a day early this week due to a long weekend. Quick list
of most underrated shows ever. Discuss. Barney Miller, Mary Tyler
Moore, Rockford Files, Joanie loves Chachi (gotcha), Night Court, St.
Elswhere, Chicago Hope, Falcon Crest (guilty pleasure), Hodge Podge
Lodge (for Acky), Banana Splits, GH and the most unerrated
ever.......All In The Family.