Pre-Turkey Pix

Apologies dear readers for the bagel last week. The Pix was semi comatose due to many factors which will remain nameless and blameless. Let's just move on. The Pix coninued the torrid pace of pigskin prognostication two weeks ago going 11-5, contributing to the 61-28 tally for the year. Seriously, it may be time to remove "for entertainment purposes only" tag and hit Vegas. The Pix is a strong believer in reversion to the mean.....therefore we should all be able to enrichen ourselves by simply going against yours truly for the rest of the season. Having said that, armed with the knowledge that no one who reads this blog gives 2 cents about the Pix' pix, let's get to this weeks rant.



As all here know, one of the Pix' pet peeves is lame commercials during football games and in general. Nothing infuriates the Pix more when beer ads are bad. Really, how hard can this be? Here are the basic rules for a succesful beer ad campaign..



1. Make me laugh. This is really rule 1-10.

2. Show me some tail.

3. Involve sports celebrities from the 70's sitting around a bar arguing.

4. Show dumb men doing dumb things to get more beer.

5. Rinse and repeat.



The gold standard for beer ads was, is and always will be the Miller Lite ads from the 70's and the "tastes great" , "less filling" debate. Whole sports stadiums would pick up the chant during games. The Pix was on a subway once on the way to a game when this chant would break out. Unfortunately, since then only one truly great beer ad campaign has taken its place, the "Real men of genius" Bud Light ads. Faux Steve Perry of "Journey" crooning about "Mr. nudist colony activity coordinator". An instant classic. Which is why the turd sandwiches that Bud Light is serving up lately automatically disqualify this beverage from being purchased. I present you with the 2008-2009 Bud light ad campaign........"the difference is Drinkability".........



Really? That's it? Drinkability? Is InBev already running the Bud ads, because if that's the case, it's time to invade Belgium immediately. F*&ing "Drinkability"? Note to Bud Light.......I wasn't going to take the beer in suppository form. The Pix generally drinks his beer by, well, drinking it.



Let's apply this ad logic and see if it could word with other examples of commercials.



Sleepy's.........because, um, you need a mattress to sleep on. The difference is sleepability. Yep, sounds good.



Jordan's furniture.......your house would look dumb empty. You can sit on our furniture and everything.

We obviously could go on forever here. Car ads....drivability, restaraunts..eatability....whatever. The Pix just imagines a bunch of ad execs tapping their pencils on a conference table until one guy says, "Um, what about 'drinkability'?" All the execs look around the table simultaneously wondering if America is really that stupid and eventually reach the conclusion that yes, we are. Frustrating.

The Pix once heard a rumor that several ad agencies put their most creative people together, had them smoke a little weed and would inevitably come up with their best campaigns. The Pix believes this to be true especially when one remembers the Quiznos ads from 4 years ago that featured two floating hamsters playing guitars and singing falsetto. These were the lyrics:

"We love the subs.

cause they are good to us

the Quiznos suuuuubs. They are tasty they are cruncy they are good because we toast them

(long pause for effect)

they have a pepper bar."

http://www.slate.com/id/2095868/

Seriously, go find the you tube of this thing. Hilarious. Other than that the Pix really has no point this week. The Pix......

Buff -7 over SF

Balt -7 over Cincy

Indy -4 over Cleveland

GB -3 over Carolina

Rams +9 over Miami

NO +4 over TB

Giants -3 over Wash

SD +6 over ATL

Donkeys +9 over Jets

Oak +3 over KC

Chi +4 over Minn

Jax +4 over Houston

Patriots even over Pitt

As years past, the Pix slows down around Thanksgiving and the annual hunting trip to the Berkshires. Expect the posts to increase in frequency the second half of December. And try to get that Quiznos song out of your heads.

Week 10 and random randomness

Nothing funny going on in the world this week. The Pix will just be shotgun blasts of extreme randomness and football. Pix was 9-4 against the spread last week. 50-23 for the season. The Pix..........



Atlanta -5 over Denver. The Donkeys suck.



Carolina -14 over Detroit. The kitties suck. And don' t ask the Pix why he capitalized Donkeys and not kitties.



GB -3 over Chicago. Here's a list of people the Pix is glad the official wife didn't date before the Pix: Kid Rock, Patrick Ewing, K-fed, A-rod or any of the hyphenated people, Lexinton Steele, Peter North, Anderson Cooper and Kobe. Mind you, it's only a partial list.



Houston +9 over Indy. The Pix was walking by the kids' tv room last weekend when he heard these words from the TV:

"Humpty Dumpty climbed up the wall.

Humpty Dumpty was afraid to fall.

All the King's horses and all the King's men

Had to help Humpty Dumpty down the wall again."



What the f?! The sissification of America's children has now gone to far. The Pix had to break it down this way for the official boys, ages 3 and 2. "Listen, guys, this is B.S. Humpty not only dies, he suffers a through a horrible procedure that entails horses using their hooves trying to manipulate fragmented shells of egg. And his parents were losers. He could have been called Steve Dumpty, or Bill Dumpty, but his parents chose 'Humpty'. He was obviously an 'accident' in the first place. It's WWII week on AMC, let's put somehting real on the television. Who wants anther juice box?"



Saints -5 over KC. Unrelated to the NFL, the Pix knows why Notre Dame is off again this year. Jimmy Claussen, their golden boy qb is the problem. He just looks wierd. Check him out the next time the Irish are on tv. He has this strange slavic frontal lobe where the upper regions of his eye sockets meet the lower forhead. It makes him look, um, mentally slow. If you are the #1 recruit in the country and play qb for Notre Dame, you have to look the part. He doesn't.



Oak +11 over Miami. "Dancing with the Stars" and all other c list celeb reality tv shows must go away. Let's just go straight to a cable channel that hires c list celebs to take their clothes off. It's where we are headed in the next 20 years anyways. Can we just get it over with? The Pix doesn't want to see you dance, sing, mud wrestle, lose weight or live in a house together. Just skip to the naked part. Thanks.



NYG -6.5 over Baltimore. **********SUPER RANDOMNESS ALERT********** The Pix has a new favorite restaraunt in Marblehead. "Zaika", is an Indian restaraunt where "Renaldo's" used to be. The Pix got take out there last Sunday night. DELICIOUS. The owner, Kulwan, is the Pix newest BFF. He loves sports and tends bar when he's not overseeing the kitchen activity. The Pix reccomends the Lamb Kashmiri or the Chicken Tikki Masala. "Zaika" is Punjabi for "perfect taste". Kulwan also lives in Marblehead and has a daughter at lower Bell school. His family's restaraunt in the back bay is called "India Samraat". It got best of Boston in 2007 and acually wins it most years. Legit.



AZ -3 over Seattle. You know those two volleyball chicks for the US that have won the last two gold medals and like 3,000 straight matches? The ones NBC showed for like 1/2 of the Olympics? Come closer, the Pix has a secret for you. Ready? They're not hot. There, I said it. They were like the ugliest birds in the volleyball competion. WHEEEW>>>>that felt good. The Pix has been holding that one in since August.



TB -4 over GB. Let's be honest, though. Misty May and Kerri Walsh? Yes and yes is the answer. They are kind of like the Stella Artois of female volleyball players. (Pix week 2 or 3 for the reference).



Philly -9 over Cinci. Message to Democrats......Al Franken? Get a hold of yourselves.



Sf -6 over Rams. Just because I think Mike Singletary might kill himself if the niners don't win one soon.



Jax +3 over Tenn. Message to the media who want to bring up the possibility of The Titans going 16-0........When Kerry Collins is your quarterback, it means that Kerry Collins is your quarterback.



Pitt -3 over SD. *********Mild Randomness Alert***** remember the old dude muppets who heckled from the balcony? Their names are Statler and Waldorf. What's strange is that they were referred to as Statler and Waldorf, but Statler was on the right and Waldorf was on the left. Shouldn't it have been the other way around? Bonus muppett randomness, best muppetts in order are Sweetums, Animal and then Snuffleupagus. Just sayin.



Dallas even over Washington. If the Pix were Miss Piggy's agent, she would have had a much better career. She was too typecast as a frog loving floozy. The Pix thinks she had much more theatrical range and a better than average voice. Unfortunately for the porcine princess, Maxim and Stuff magazines came along a little too late in her career.



Cleveland +5.5 over Buff. Whatever.



Jets +3.5 over NE. Look, this pains the Pix, but Breet and Manjudas have a better supporting cast around them right now than Cassell and the Guru. The Pix isn't saying the Pats' defense resembles a M.A.S.H. unit, but Klinger, Radar, Hot Lips and Bj were seen landing in Providence Tuesday and headed up rt.1 (By the way, people may dispute this, but the Pix believes that Winchester was funnier than Frank Burns, BJ funnier than Trapper and Col Potter a slight upgrade over Henry Blake. Discuss). The Pix just hates the match up of the Jets offense against our defense. Unless Moss and Welker go off tonight (and the rain won't help), things just don't look great for the Elvi.



Having just read over this week's post, some may question the Pix' parenting methods. Let's just say what really happened after "L'ffaire Humpty" was actually far more serious. After admonishing both children for watching a "liberal" channel like Noggin, we took a little field trip to the garage where we smashed their bike helmets with a sledge hammer. "Don't want to get hurt? Don't fall, then. And for damn sure don't fall on your heads". Let's just say they had no problem eating their broccoli that night.



Want more parenting tips from the Pix? Please answer parenting poll at top right of page.

Pix out.

NFL week 9 and updated Jihad list.

Since the Pix is new to this venue, now seems a good time to roll out an updated version of the Pix favorite columns: the Jihad list. Original followers will remember the first fatwas issued by the Pix in 2006. CVS, gratuitous pickle inclusion on standard lunch fare, small toilets, Cher and any toilet paper that wasn't Charmin with aloe were amongst the first. All are egregious violations against humanity indeed. But the time has come for another shout out to the Pix Mujahideen. I's time to renew the Jihad against............

1. Anyone with piercings who doesn't posess ovaries and keep said bobbles to the auricular region. (Exception: freshman year in college and just for the punk rock party, mmkay?) Seriously, can the piercing and tattoo fad please just go away? When the Pix was growing up the standard physical act of rebellion was growing your hair too long (boys) or cutting it too short (felines). Now it's impossible to find a sorority sister without a tramp stamp of some unknown (to them) Asian origin. And the piercings? The first belly ones were mildly alluring, but the gradual procession to the eyebrow, nose and ultimately the genital region went from ridiculous to sublime in a nanosecond. Half the girls working summer jobs at the local ice cream stand look like they've been attacked by a turretts victim wielding Ron Popeil's "Bedazzler". The Pix just wants a small vanilla bowl with jimmies, please. Thanks.

2. No, actually I'm still on the piercings. The Pix read last month where some unfortunate bird in England go here left breasticle pierced and it got infected............by the flesh eating virus. Talk about unintended consequences. All joking aside for a moment, women have a hard enough time with their breasticli as it is........bras, babies, bumps and lumps.......seriously just leave them alone. They look really really really great all by themselves. The only metal involved whatsoever should remain the well constructed yet oddly pliable underwire. You're welcome.

3. Dennis and Callahan. Apologies to those who don't live in the greater Boston area. D and C are Boston's #1 rated morning radio show. Ostensibly it is a sports program, but for the last year of so these two ass clowns have been masquerading as political pundits or simply 2 people with a modest knowledge of world and local affairs. They make the VPILF look like Copernicus. Here's what the Pix wants on his 4 minute commute to the office. Sox win, fart joke, rumor of a new celebrity sex tape. That's it. That's all. The two of you know less about the constitution than Travis Henry knows about planned parenthood (9 kids, 7 babymamas, 2 cities. As the Pix said last year, "2-4-6-8 Travis likes to procreate"). Get back to hot stove and the cover two before the Pix picks up the phone and impales you on the spear of your own bigotry and ignorance. Wait, that's two spears. Um, you know wtf I mean.


4. Um, actually, that's it for now. The Pix is fading and we have to get to the NFL. So for now fellow Mujahadids, stay strong on the Jihad. And tip those ice cream girls......tattoo removal is expensive I hear. The Pix...............


NO +1 at ATL. Saints need it more. We are at that time of the season where desparation begins to have an effect on all the games. Atl is giddy about their unexpected start. And maybe a little complacent.

Chi +3 over Ten. Ditto for this game. And according to SI's DR. Z, the boys in Vegas are begging for people to take the Titans.

Jax-6 @ Det. Sometimes the Pix will throw his underwear in the hamper and hopes the official wife doesn't inspect it too closely before it hits the washer. Nothing about football here, just felt like getting that off my chest.

Sea +10 @Mia. True story........Rahm Emmanuel, Obama's newly tabbed chief of staff is actually the person who was the inspiration for the character of Josh Lyman on "The West Wing". Not sure if that's cool or not but it's a far cry from discussing the Pix's used scivvies.

GB +2 @Minn. Readers should all know by now that the Pix is in the tank for the Pack and all things "sconnie".

Rams +8 ove Jets. Pix has it on good authority that Breet owns and operates a piercing pagoda notorious four using dirty needles and cooking meth in the basement. He also wrote in Palin for pres last Tuesday.

Baltimore +2 @Houston. Me thinks a certain someone in Westport, CT has noticed by now the number of road dogs picked this week. We'll discuss it in Nassau..........

Carolina -9 @ Oak. Raiders cut D'angelo Hall this week after paying him 1 million per week for the first 8 weeks of the season. In other news, the Pix 401k has become a 201k.

Indy even @ Pitt.
KC +14 @ SD.
NYG +3 @ Philly.
Arizona -9 against SF.

NE -4 agaist Buffalo. The Bills are dinged up and the Pats HAVE to win this to stay in the thick of things. Pix says Moss catches 2 td's and the Guru gets to relax early.

The Pix was 7-7 last week and remains a very profitable (for entertainment purposes only) 41-19 on the season vs. Vegas.

Pix calls election before CNN

After reviewing reems of data and multiple trans-continental exit polls, the Pix is ready to call the 2008 Presidential election. Um, duh, it's Obama. It was over the moment Hilary Clinton conceded the Democratic primary last week, I mean last July. Despite trillions of print words and millions of tv minute dedicated to "the race", the outcome of this election was never really in doubt. It had nothing to do with taxes, the war on terror, education, abortion, Breet, gay marriage, race, agism or even the intergalactically moronic presumptive VPILF. It had to do with 2000. It had to do with the fact that Bush lost the popular vote while winning the electoral vote thanks to a court ruling. Then, in 2004, Bush (a war time president) almost lost to a Hermes tie wearing Zombie who was married to crazier than a shit house rat Theresa Heinz Kerry. In other words, Bush and Cheney were on thin ice as 2005 began.

The Pix isn't here to bash Bush. He's an easier target than Tara Reid after a bottle of Goldschlagger. But who couldn't see this coming? Oil went from 40 dollars a barrell to 150 in the first 3 1/2 years of his second term during a time in which the US seized the country with the second or third riches oil deposits in the world. Regardless of where one stands on the Iraq invasion and occupancy, to let their economy grow a 60 billion dollar surpluss when the US has literally financed and fought for their freedom seems incongruous at a time when our country's airline and automotive industries bankrupt themselves on 150 a barrell oil. Just sayin'.

When Bush took over the white house in 2000, the S+P 500 was 1480. Seven years later (Jan 07) it was 1389. After briefly touching 876 on October 24, it has rallied to roughly 1000 today. Red, blue or purple, that's the worst equity performance of any administration. EVER. So Obama will raise the capital gains tax? Who has gains? Most Americans have tax loss carry forwards they harvested during the Bush years and can offset them dollar for dollar against gains with higher rates in the years to come.

For most of the month of October, Americans couldn't peruse the business section without reading at length about the looming recession and possible depression. D-E-P-R-...well, you get it...and yet some folks are incredulous that the opposition party should maybe get another crack at power. Ummmmmmmmmm, really? Bill Clinton was and is a lying, cheating, cigar wielding, impeached and disbarred rascal. But that 'ol goat presided over the greatest bull market since the nifty fifties. And he kept us incredibly entertained. Now that the election is over, maybe Bill can procure himself an ambassadorial appointment to Thailand. Think he could get into any trouble over there?

Does the Pix hate higher taxes? Oui. Hate large gov't spending? Si. Is Biden an imbecile worthy of his own column? Da. But while CNN and all the other networks roll out three rows of pundits five accross with laptops and magical maps, spewing out worthless observations and partisan poop, the Pix simply breaks it down this way. The country is in bad shape, it is the other teams turn. Please drive through.

Apologies to those arriving here looking for football, flatulence and fermentation. More of that as the Pix returns to his regularly scheduled program.