With apologies to Crash Davis (played by Kevin Costner in Bull
Duhram).......The Pix believes: that the left lane is for passing (that
includes the moving walkways in airports), that there's no freaking way
Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, that Ohio St. has the best uniforms in
college football, that people should only stop and smell the roses if
they're sure they're not in my way, that it should never take more than
3 minutes to read and make a decision off a dinner menu (4 minutes if
it's in a foreign language), that if a waitperson doesn't have a serving
of deliciousness on the table within 6 minutes of sitting down the tip
will be reduced proportionately one percent for every minute thereafter,
that Texas has the coolest shape of any state, that the novels of Susan
Sontag are self indulgent overrated crap, that Heinekken and Amstel lite
are undrinkable weasel piss, that the country doesn't need more than one
brand of ED pill, that the Patriots will go 19-0, that the Red Sox
should not trade Lester, Bucholtz or Ellsbury, that all coins should be
eliminated from American currency, that America desperately needs a
third political party, that most people are pro choice AND pro life,
that hip-hop/rap is to music what etch a sketch is to art, that one
indeed can be pro noise yet anti funk, that Wink Martindale was the
greatest game show host ever, that SNL peaked the year Martin Short and
Billy Crystal were in the cast, that beef should always be prepared
medium rare, that September is the best month of the year, that rice
pilaf is disgusting, that Pinot Noir is overrated, that Katie Couric is
still kind of cute, that "The Pugilist at Rest:Stories" by Thom Jones
(thanks Johnny) should be on every man's book shelf, that "Merry
Christmas" is perfectly fine, that processed cheese food should never be
confused with real cheese, that 1% milk is a waste of everyone's time,
that Saran wrap should be easier to get out of the box and that the Guru
is the greatest coach of all time in any sport. The Pix....

Rams -3 over Atl

Wash -5.5 over Buffalo. Note to the Mia PD, when anyone is shot in the
beanbag, it's not a random act.

Minny -3 over Det.

Houston +4 over Tenn.

Jax +7 over Indy.

Mia -1 over Jets. The jokes have all been made. Manjudas is an
underdog vs. an 0-11 team. Zoinks and gadzooks.

SD -4 over KC.

Phi -3 over Sea.

A quick note about Breet.....after throwing 2 picks last night and then
getting a bruised elbow, Breet hit the sideline for an ego stroke and a
groin tug. Meanwhile, backup Aaron Rodgers stepped in and immediately
started moving the ball on the Cowboys. After going 4 for 4 and scoring
the touchdown that put the Pack back into the game, Rodgers sprinted to
the sideline where he was mobbed by the coaches and players except for,
no drumroll needed, Breet. You guessed it, the camera panned over to
the Messiah moping with another coach/sycophant. Breet didn't care that
his team just scored, just that HE wasn't involved. It was eerily
familiar to the scene in 2001 where Brady mobs Bledsoe after the game
winning kick to win the Superbowl and Bledsoe's grimmaced look said it
all. In case you were wondering what the Pix has against Breet, last
night pretty much summed it up. He can fool the rest of the country,
but not the Pix. He's a slurp seeking disengenuous me first stain.

Sf +3 over Carolina

Cle +2 over Az

Denver -4 over Oak

TB +3 over NO

NY -2 over Chi

Cinci +7 over Turd

NE -20 over Ravens. One more thing about the Guru. As we all know,
Belichick is being portrayed in the media as a nasty and bitter man. A
man with no soul who disrespects his opponents and violates some
unwritten laws of the game. Conversly, Joe Gibbs is held up as a good
and respected Christian man who stands for all that is right and decent
about the coaching profession. The Pix just has a few bones to pick
with these prevailing beliefs. Whose players have consistently served
as better role models over the years for kids than the Guru's? If a
Patriot misbehaves, he is gone. Yet Gibbs' track record over the years
is one of drafting and trading for me first miscreants who spit on
opposing players (Sean Taylor), testify before congress about being
illiterate (Dexter Manley), insult foreign heads of state while falling
asleep at a State Dinner (John Riggins/Margaret Thatcher) and who in
general only trail the Cinmates in team arrests. I'm sure Gibbs is a
fine man, but a little credit to the Guru, please, for running a program
that is unquestionably the cleanest in the NFL. Even the players the
Pats draft from THE U, like Wilfork, Merriweather and Kareem Brown learn
to behave once they get to Foxborough.

Last Pix thought for the week.....during Sun and Mon night games when
the players introduce themselves and say what schools they come from
(notice I didn't say graduate), pay close attention to Randy Moss. He
says his name, pauses and then informs us that he went to "Rand U".
Moss actually attended Marshall, but the Pix believes this is Randy's
way of telling America that he is an advocate for home schooling. Or as
Randy might say....homey schooling.

With the current writer's strike going on in Hollywood, we are all in
for some abysmal TV viewing in the near future. It has been discussed
here before (week 3?) that the current slate of mid week television is
akin to the food choices at Hometown Buffet. Not delicious. But rather
than further lament the past great shows we grew up watching, The Pix is
here to be part of the solution, not the problem. Without further ado,
here are a few humble ideas for the networks, courtesy of the Pix.

"Survivor: France". A Pix twist where it's not the contestants whose
goal it is to survive, rather the country. We take 6 dudes from Southie
and Six from Compton and put them up in Paris to see how long it takes
for the French to surrender. Unfortunately, the show would be cancelled
after the first week.

"The Clinic". A soap opera style show set in a V.D. clinic starring
Cher, Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson. Ron Mexico, a.k.a the dog
whisperer appears in a week 3 cameo where he swears he doesn't have the
herp and knows nothing about pit bulls either. Due to the dw's current
housing situation, the role of Michael will be played by Marcus. I'm
assuming he's available.

"Correct Me If I'm Wrong". A mad cap romantic comedy set in a maximum
security prison were we get an inside look (no pun intended) strip
searches, rat holing, creative carpentry, guard abuse and a sneak peak
of Barry Bonds' soon to be cell mate. A Dodger fan named El Guapo.

"Are You An Idiot?". Pix' spin on Fox' show about being smarter than a
5th grader. Let's face it, there are a lot of idiots out there and we
need to start making fun of them. Starring: people who write checks in
12 items or less lines, people who take more than 15 seconds to line up
a putt, Mayor Menino, Larry King, the 212 area code, people who use 15
foot leashes for a dog weighing more than them, people who own "Earnest
goes to....." dvd's, you get the picture.


"Wicked Sorry". A game show where the studio audience votes on which
celebrity apologies are more disengenuous, pathetic, lame, misleading,
backhanded, pr conscious and, well, I'm running out of synonyms.
Starring: Bill Clinton, Shawn Merriman, OJ, Dennis Koslowski, the ghost
of Kenneth Lay, Vick, Jesse Jackson, Marion Jones, Andy Reid's kids,
T.O., Boy George (recently arrested for kidnapping a male prostitute),
Jimmy Swaggert and Larry Craig.

And finally.......

"The Lombardi Code". Hosted be John Madden, Peter King and Dan Brown.
A documentary studying the overwhelming evidence that Breet is actually
the descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The Pix.......

2-1 yesterday taking Lions, Cowboys and Colts.

Jax -7 over Buffalo. Bill's heads still pounding from Patriot beat down
last Sunday.

Cleve -4 over Houston. Browns are officially frisky.

Giants -7 over Minny.

NO -3 over Carolina.

Oak +6 over KC.

St Louis +3.5 over Sea.

Tenn pick over Cinci. And Marvin Lewis still has a job
because............?

Wash +3 over TB.

Sf +11 over Arizona. The Cardinals are 11 point favorites? Yikes.

Denver +2 over Chicago.

Bal +10 over SD. Not sure whether Latorsha will make the trip or not.
Maybe Ladudian can trace back his problems this year to the fact that he
purchased a Visio.

Pats -22 over Phi. Unless coach Reid can get the Pats to go out
partying with his kids the night before the game, the Iggles are in
trouble.

Turd -16 over Mia. Whatever.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Enjoy your weekends.

After a brief vacation thanks to the bye week, the Pix is back but not
very happy. It seems that despite numerous reminders of the Jihad list,
the general public continues to ignore the global disaster that is
unwarranted and gratuitous addition of the pickle as a food additive.
Last weekend alone the Pix was witness to the destruction of several
platters of innocent and potentially delicious sandwiches. Unsuspecting
turkey, virginal chicken salad, freshly sliced roast beast all soiled
and violated by the seeping filth of the rancid fermented cucumber.
Past Fatwahs issued against the devil vegetable have apparently been
ignored. Even yesterday the Pix had to rescue a side order of french
fries from green dripping putrescible. The Pix doesn't ask for much.
Remember that the annual subscription price is one gin and tonic per
year. Please help the Pix abolish the practice of deliciousnous
ruination caused by you know what. Thank you. That is all.

In other news, today is the birthday of the official wife of the Pix.
Happy birthday, babe. Other than the obvious omnipresent present that
is just being the official wife of the Pix, rest assured that multiple
gifts and wonders are being bestowed upon official wife even as these
letters are being typed. Indeed, she is a very lucky woman. Somewhat
less lucky, however,ere thos unfortunate souls who dated the Pix in the
mid 1990's. For on their birthdays they were the recipients of the
hilarious and delightfully fraudulent gift of choice for the Pix: the
homeade coupon book. To paraphrase Churchill, never has so little been
given to so many. Rather than actually go somewhere and exchange legal
tender for a real present or token of affection, the Pix would give
several coupons representing various degrees of value. A massage
(potential action), a fancy dinner (the Pix eats too), a vacation
(multiple glasses of liquid intoxicant) and the most valuable of all,
one night of control of the remote (a very painful memory, indeed).
Since 99 percent of these paper treasures expired worthless of simply
got recycled, the Pix could spend more time and money watching football
and consuming deliciousness with his fellow simians. Needless to say,
thanks to meeting the perfect woman who is the offial wife, the coupons
have been retired (until the official sons begin dating). The
Pix........

Arizona +3 over Cinmates.

Packers -10 over Carolina. After curing childhood diabetes and saving
the rainforrest this week, Breet is expected to be the first QB to throw
for a thousand yards in a game. I'm sure Saint Breet will live up to
the hype.

Cleveland -2 over B'more. Ray Lewis is a bigger fraud than the coupon
that promised a ski weekend.

Indy -14 over KC. Anybody catch the look on Manning's face after
Vinatieri stoinked the 29 yard field goal? Same look Lo Lo gave me when
she counted the empty beer cans around the pool table while I
simultaneously announced I was headed to Maddie's to meet the boys. Not
really mad. Just seriously disappointed.

Philly -11 over Miami.

Saints -2 over Houston.

Oak +6 over Minny.

Jax -3 over SD. Ladudian's wife, LaTorsha, sang the anthem befor Sunday
night's game. We also learned that Ladudian calls his wife LT squared.
Ladudian clearly didn't get the algebra book the Pix sent him this
offseason. On the plus side, Pix and official wife can cross LaTorsha
off the list of potential baby girl names now that we know it's been
taken. Thanks.

Tampa -3 over Atl.

Giants even over Detroit.

Pitt -9 over Mangina. The Pix sent Manjudas a coupon for 1 new coaching
job after the Jets fire him next year. He'll find redeeming it a tad
difficult.

Wash +12 over Dallas.

Rams -2 over SF. I'm thinking Darren McFadden with the 5th overall pick
next year.

Chi +6 over Sea.

Tenn +3 over Den.

Pats -16 over Buff. Giving the Guru an extra week to prepare is like
giving Madden extra astroglide at Breet's house.

Finally, as long as we are on the subject of fraud, let's all take a
moment to bask in the glory of some recent headlines.
The dog whisperer is going to jail. The Juice is going to jail. Barry
Bonds is going to jail and Derek Jeter owes millions in back taxes while
his nemesis A-rod is returning to Gotham for 25 million per year. As
long as Cher doesn't make a new album, 2007 might just turn out alright.
As always, enjoy the weekend, drink up and hold the pickles.

The internet, the remote, personal beer vending machines, the home
kegerator, the nanny cam.......all good uses of home technology. All
value adds. An apparent value add would also be caller i.d.. What's
better than screening the mother in law, random acquaintance, lame
neigbor etc...?(Note to parents of Pix, I would of course NEVER screen
you) In fact, I haven't actually seen the official wife of the pix
answer the home phone in over 2 years. It will be sitting right next to
her, ringing, and she won't even glance at it. No screen, nothing. The
pix is generally pro inactivity, but c'mon, it's right next to you!
However, for the second time this season we are reminded of Newton's 3rd
law (action/reaction). For although caller i.d. without a doubt is
delicious and nutricious, we have lost a simple yet great pleasure in
our technilogically advanced lives. I speak of course of the prank
phone call. Throughout the 70's and 80's, the Pix turned the prank
phone call into an art form. The cranky fossills down the street, the
4th grade music teacher, any female classmates who resisted the romantic
advances of the Pix, Claude Hasbrook........all took severe beatdowns
thanks to the green rotary phone nestled comfortably in the blue shag
carpet on the official childhood home of the Pix. No risk, no
consequences, just pure hilarity and shenanigans. As late as the early
90's, coworkers of the Pix were being called home from work to address
the 7 yards of bark mulch erroneously dropped into their neighbor's
driveway. Oops. But then caller i.d. came along and faster than A-rod
could opt out of 81 million the art of the prank phone call was lost.
Seemingly forever. Until........pricing for long distance phone calls
collapsed and it was time to haze Canada. "Hello, Canada? This is the
Pix. Your currency is......wait, never mind." But now it is time to
marry the internet to the prank phone call. Enter Babblefish.com. A
web site that will translate phrases from any language into any
language. Me thinks Iran should prepare for a call or two. Never
before has there been a way for teenage Americans to eat Cheetos and
fight the insurgency at the same time. Sign up for Vonage, log onto
Babblefish and have at it.

"Hello, Abdulla? This is Ali from down the street. I just can't take
it any more. The guilt is killing me, praise be Allah. Remember how I
said your daughter and I were at the mosque last week reading the Koran?
We were actually having a four way with your camel and 2 Kurds. See you
in the afterlife.

"Yeah, Hi, Muhammed? I just wanted to let you know the compass I gave
you for your birthday last year is broken. You've been praying for
months with your butt facing Mecca. Wicked sorry.

"Hi Osama? I's me. Hey, what's wrong with your fax machine? I've been
trying to send you a cartoon of the prophet Muhammed manually assisting
an American soldier and it won't go through. I'll just nail it to your
door instead. Ciao!

The Pix.........

All road teams.

NE -whatever over Indy. The Guru has been waiting since last January to
exact his revenge on Master Card Manning and the Turtleneck Reverend.
This is why he signed Moss, Welker, Stallworth and Thomas. Grenada had
a better chance. Dog the bounty hunter's kid has a better chance of
reuniting with, um, Dog.....than the Colts have of stopping the
juggernaut. The beatdown will be swift and it will be severe. Hide the
women and children, Indy. Turtleneck Tony was even stupid enough to
reiterate is spygate comments this week. Final score Pats 41, Indy 17.
Pix 1, Ahmajinidad 0.