The Pix has had a little difficulty getting back to the keyboard lately. After Marblehead Superbowl weekend, L'affaire Tiger broke and sucked all the air out of the blogosphere. Every morning we are treated to an Advent calendar style of fresh Tiger nip (trying to keep it PG here). The jokes write themselves, the Shaddenfreude is omnipresent and the whole sordid delicious deal continues to gather steam like Matt Evans on punt coverage. To complicate matters in a Pix blogging sense, the official wife and the Pix have some different opinions regarding the matter. While the Pix is outraged by El Tigre's behavior, the official wife thinks that a double standard should apply to athletes and their "transgressions" on a sliding scale based on how much money they make. For example, the official wife has come up with a matrix of acceptable misdeeds that she applies to certain classes of athletes/celebs.
Michael Jordan: The official wife thinks that Jordan (although recently finally divorced), due to his 6 rings and multiple endorsements, should have been able to "party" with multiple partners and that Mrs Jordan should have just known that that's life in the NBA.......National Booty Association. Naturally, the Pix could not disagree more. When not playing hoops, Jordan should have been juicing carrots, reading scripture and building shelters for migrant workers.
Charles Barkley: Here again, let's quote the official wife, "I don't care if Sir Charles runs around Vegas with his pants around his ankles waiving hundos in one hand and his 9 millimeter in the other (the Pix hopes she was referring to a pistol). What man in the world can resist temptation when it's thrown in his face 24/7? It's really not fair to the players........they are away from home so much." Alrighty then, let's just say the Pix has a more family centric philosophy.
Tiger: The official wife thinks that unless Elin can shoot 67 at Pebble, win at St. Andrews without pulling driver and collect hundreds of millions in annual endorsements, she should shut her yap at the least and buy Tiger the new LG3 text phone as an over due "I'm sorry" for bringing all this attention to her man. It's an interesting take, the Pix has to admit. Although the Pix adheres to a rigid code of conduct and is appalled by the official wife's liberal ideas, the Pix is willing to at least respect her opinions.
Moving on.......to the Pix' surprise, emails have been arriving complaining that not enough attention is being given to the NFL.......and.....well......picking games. So let's get to it. Each game will have the precise final score and a little randomness as well. Merry Christmas.
Dallas 31, New Orleans 30. This is a do or die game for the Romosexuals. The Saints are better off losing a game and this is the only one left on the schedule that should be close. In other new, WTF is Luke Wilson doing those horrible AT+T commercials for? Dude used to be legitimately B list. In addition to making a run at the "Alec Baldwin award for face being twice as fat as it used to be", the Pix hasn't seen anyone this disinterested in their job since Randy Moss vs. Carolina. Go make a movie, funny man.
Philly 24, SF 13. Speaking of commercials, I'm going to kick Regis Philbin in the ovaries. This whole "America's most convenient bank" bullshit is making the Pix want to rub his ass in barbed wire and sit in a bowl of gin. What's convenient about a bank? The Pix finds the dentist more convenient. That's why the ATM was invented, dipshits. Because people HATE going to the bank. By the way, TD Bank, you might want to google "online banking" before you spend millions of dollars paying Regis to hold the door open for the 3 fossils left who write checks and talk to tellers.
Arizona 38, Detroit 10. Holy easy money, Batman. A 12 point line on a game the Cardinals must have given their loss to SF last Monday. And didn't Detroit lose by 40 last week to Colby? The Pix has been following the nonsense in Copenhagen this week, by the way. Did you know that the rising carbon dioxide levels in the ocean are making Lobsters bigger? Given the choice between fewer polar bears and super sized lobbies, the Pix says "Pass the butter".
Houston 90, Rams 0. The Pix would like to officially thank Matt Shaub for having the game of his life last week and knocking the Pix (and thanks to you too, Mr. Brady) out of the double secret probation round of his fantasy football league. Fantasy football this year has been as much fun as getting shrivel dick in front of the hot 23 year old nurse before Dr. Nomoreswimmers does his thing.
Cleveland 12, KC 11. What a barn burner of a game. CBS should hire Shelby Scott to do color and hope for a hurricane. In related news, the Pix is watching FOX news....there's some mother missing. Here's a tip from detective Pix.......look in the husband's trunk. Is it EVER anyone else? Insert Elin jokes here...
Patriots 31, Buffalo 21. If we can't beat the Bills with an interim coach and backup QB, then let's just call the season off, shall we? And while we are calling things off, let's shit can "Dancing with the Stars". The Pix admits he watched season 1 five years ago because the girl dancers were smoking and I thought someone would wipe out, but it really is beyond pathetic now. I think some of the Z listers now on the show are Cora Beth Godsey and the guy who played Joe Isuzu, "Mr. Easy". The Pix doesn't want to see any more botoxed geezers with more work than an "Avatar" character do the fox trot while flashing their dentures at Kari Ann Inaba.
Baltimore 17, Bears 2. Hasn't it been fun this year watching Jake Cutler piss himself? Cutler redefines the parameters of smugness. Watching him throw game losing interceptions gives the Pix almost as much pleasure as watching you know who. Which brings us too.....
Carolina 2, Vikings 0. Breet throws 9 picks and retires/comes back at halftime. Breet says that when he thinks of "Wrangler", he thinks of value. When the Pix thinks of "Wrangler", he thinks of Brokeback Breet getting fanny raped by a score of meth crazed Eskimos wearing Peter King masks. Did I just say that out loud?
Tampa Bay 20, Seattle 3. Gotta hand it to the Seahawks defense last week. Holding future hall of famer Matt Shaub to 731 yards and 11 touchdowns was really a noble effort. Maybe if their uniforms weren't the color of my garage floor accented with spilled anti-freeze. Not for nothing, but kudos to the porn industry for wasting no time expoiting the Tiger situation. The same company that brought you "who's nailin' Palin" is set to bring you , "Tiger's Wood". "F" for originality by the Pix thinks they casted well.....except for the fact that Gloria Allred seems to be involved.
Chargers 27, Bengals 21. No jokes about the Bengals this week.
Green Bay 33, Pitt 17. Admit it, even though the Pats are having a bad season, it's mitigated somewhat by watching the Turd Burglar and his fellow turds bite the dust in Steeltown. After coach Tomlin said the team would "unleash hell" four weeks back, they have unleashed a fury of down pillows delivered by the kindergarten class at lower Bell. They have lost to Cleveland, Kansas City, the cast from the "New Zoo Review", Cinci, Nicole Ritchie and Oakland. At home. Woof.
Washington 17, Giants 16. Really breaking the Pix' heart to see the Giants take the pipe, too. And it seems like the hobbit, Daniel Snyder, has a new GM. Snyder goes through staff faster than Imelda Macos goes through red pumps. No? ok....Snyder goes through staff faster than Tiger goes through.......no? Too easy? One last try, Snyder goes through staff faster than Theo Epstien goes through shortsops? Forget it, it's too late and the Pix is on fumes.
It feel like we should wrap this up on a Tiger note. The Pix admits that Tiger has been naughty. His balls are, as they say, in the hazard. And all signs are that he is going to have to re tee. Something tells the Pix that he will survive, however. And Elin will probably find some way to attract another mate given that she will be worth 500 million and still be the hottest Swedish dish on the menu. And in the end, the Pix just wants el Tigre back on the links. Winning majors. Taking out the Golden Bear.......who by the way is a stiff. Tiger is the greatest athlete of this generation. From the standpoint of pure competition, he transcends Ali, Jordan, Russell, all the Mannings combined, Jeter, Gretsky....even Mickelson (please). Golf needs him. TV needs him. He belongs to the fans. And if the official wife is willing to forgive, even endorse him, then who are we humble sports fans to judge? So here's to you Tiger, as the Southwest Airlines commercial suggests, "grab your bag" and get back on the course.
Next week.....the official wife opines on Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, David Beckham, David Letterman and Silvio Berlusconi....
Pix out, enjoy the weekend.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Marblehead Football
Apologies to International Pix readers who come to this space for Patriots rants and other global issues....for those of you not from Marblehead, come back next week. For those of you who have been part of one of the great local seasons in some time for Marblehead, here's a little post in honor of the local gridiron gang....
Full disclosure......the Juniors on this squad had the misfortune of having been coached by the Pix when they were 7th graders. Fortunately for them, they have been coached up far better since then. If the balance of this post focuses a little more on that class and on a certain official nephew (#20) of the Pix.......it's just because those are the kids I know personally.
Let's start with the Seniors....whose team this really is. Quarterback Hayes Richardson is the star of the show. As the leader of the spread offense, Richardson has piled up points on Header opponents this year like Tiger has piled up "transgressions". Hayes can sling it, but he can also tuck it and run as well as any ball carrier on the team. Very few people in life have the opportunity to lead their team eighty something yards with two minutes left on the clock against their blood rivals with the entire season on the line. As this post may be read by a younger audience than usual, let's be delicate with the vocabulary describing what some men refer to as a part of the anatomy that is associated with "guts". Let's just say the number two is involved, say Hayes has them and leave it at that.
Two of Richardson's favorite Senior targets are Flynn McCormack and Alex Haigis. Haigis had a monster game against the blue. Fans will remember #9's touchdowns, but the catch the Pix will never forget is the jump ball Haigis somehow came down with at the 50 yard line on the last drive of the game. Alex had two defenders draped on him and the ball looked like it might even sail out of bounds. Simply put, if Haigis doesn't make that grab, the season was over.
The two young men opponents least want to see arrive in their area code are #52 Matt Evans and #38 Evan Comeau. They are beasts. They are animals. You can usually identify either of them not by their numbers, but by the way they move. They just don't look like they are incumberred by pads....until the moment of impact. At that point there is a distinct sound from the field, like there's a hidden microphone in their shoulder pads. These kids will wreck you. At one point against the "little blue", Comeau was hit out of bounds after a carry, flipped in the air, bounced off his head and landed on his heels getting up in one fluid motion. The Pix thought he might need a breather. Instead, Comeau let out a primal scream to the sideline that brought to mind a scene from "Braveheart". But there was also a gigantic smile on this kid's face. Years from now when Comeau remembers his favorite moment of this season and perhaps of his young life, the Pix would be surprised if that precise moment doesn't come to mind.
The Pix isn't sure what class Marcell Hardmon is, but #26 has emerged as the primary ball carrier for team and has been the perfect complement to Richardson's arial arsenal. Watching Marcell run, it took the Pix a few games to figure out why he was so successful. Here it is: he gets faster after the first would be tackler hits him. Just like Ali got better after taking his first punch, Hardmon accelerates through contact. And like a lot of good running backs with a low center of gravity, he's hard to find....until you see the back of his jersey running to the end zone.
Some Juniors.....let's first talk about "the Freak". #70, Nick Broughton. Parents aren't supposed to have favorite children, but coaches can have favorite players. Among several others about to be mentioned, Nick was one of the Pix' top kids. It has taken a while for his temper to catch up with his size and ability, but the Swampscott quarterback's last memory of the Thanksgiving game was having the Freak land on him. As the Pix stood next to Mrs. Broughton after the final play, it can neither be confirmed nor denied that the air got a little dusty for a moment or two.
Swampscott coach Dembowski has to hope the Perlows don't have any sons younger than Matt. After brother Sam ruined the little blue's thanksgiving a few years back by taking a pick six to the house to win the game, his younger brother carried on the family tradition of hazing Swampscott by opening the game with a nice reception over the middle. The real moment came, however, when the blue were once again advancing the ball against a completely gassed Marblehead defense. The Magician's "D" hadn't been able to stop anything much in the second half. Matt was hastily inserted into the line when a fallen Marbleheader had to be carried off the field due to dehydration and exhaustion. Perlow blew past his man right at the snap and took down the Swampscott QB.....and all the air came out of the blue baloon. Their fans stopped cheering after that play. It might have been the defensive play of the season.
When #15 Ryan Stanojev came out of the womb, the Pix thinks he must have stiff armed the doctor and scampered off down the hall. The Pix still remembers a third and 15 in our own territory years ago when "stiff arm" Stano got the call and fended off 3 different defenders for the first down. Fast forward four years and you can still see the left handed ball carrier expertly use his right hand to elude tacklers. Used primarily on defense this year, Stano is a ball hawk and an all around athlete. Loo k out for #15 to get a turnover tomorrow.
#42 Josh Freedland is another kid the Pix has been watching all year. The same week Josh blocked a kick and returned it for a touchdown, the "Reporter" listed "the Professor" on the high honor roll. The Pix isn't sure, but he thinks it was Freedland who lowered his shoulder and denied Swampscott on 4th and inches giving back the ball to the offense with a little over 2 minutes left in the game. #42 is deceptively fast and strong. The Pix would be shocked if Josh wasn't a co-captain next year.
There are many players the Pix would like time to write more about (super lineman Liam Gilliand comes to mind). With time for just one more, the Pix has to give it up for the official nephew, #20, Will Quigley. Quigley's interception on the second play of the Swampscott game set the tone for the day. His touchdown reception over the middle was seen in high definition by all the "midget" players who were crowding the end zone fence along with their fathers. The Pix looks forward to two more seasons of following #20. Will's biggest fan, the General, will be watching tomorrow's game from the ultimate seat in the sky box.
Like all youth sports that culminate at the high scool level, there will be an emotinal investment being made from the stands that is hard to put into words. For whatever reason, football is the greatest of all the sports in this way. The Pix thinks it is because football is the sport that requires the kids to make the greatest physical and emotional investments. You can see it in the players' eyes at the end of games. There is nothing left to give. As the Seniors take off their uniforms tomorrow, for most of them, it will be for the last time. If the Pix could be in the locker room, he would tell them that in life, what matters most is not the destination, but the journey. The journey. These young men have been on and have taken their fans and family on a journey that few ever get to go on. We thank you for the ride.
Last week the Boston Globe wrote that Rockland merely had to "find the Manning Bowl" for them to get to the next round. They found the Mannning bowl. They found coach Rudloff. They found Evans, Perlow, Hardmon, Demarco Dooley and the Freak. They found Comeau, Gilliand, Forman and Freedland. They found Quigs and Stano. They found Hayes Richardson and they found a beat down compliments of the 5000 or so screaming Marbleheaders who will now make their way to Foxboro. For their efforts, the Marblehead High School football team will set foot on the same turf as some of the greatest players in the history of the game.
The Pix would simply like to salute the team, the coaching staff and everyone involved with the program. Good luck, boys. You have made your parents proud. You have made your town proud. Hopefully you have made yourselves proud. Go get them.
Full disclosure......the Juniors on this squad had the misfortune of having been coached by the Pix when they were 7th graders. Fortunately for them, they have been coached up far better since then. If the balance of this post focuses a little more on that class and on a certain official nephew (#20) of the Pix.......it's just because those are the kids I know personally.
Let's start with the Seniors....whose team this really is. Quarterback Hayes Richardson is the star of the show. As the leader of the spread offense, Richardson has piled up points on Header opponents this year like Tiger has piled up "transgressions". Hayes can sling it, but he can also tuck it and run as well as any ball carrier on the team. Very few people in life have the opportunity to lead their team eighty something yards with two minutes left on the clock against their blood rivals with the entire season on the line. As this post may be read by a younger audience than usual, let's be delicate with the vocabulary describing what some men refer to as a part of the anatomy that is associated with "guts". Let's just say the number two is involved, say Hayes has them and leave it at that.
Two of Richardson's favorite Senior targets are Flynn McCormack and Alex Haigis. Haigis had a monster game against the blue. Fans will remember #9's touchdowns, but the catch the Pix will never forget is the jump ball Haigis somehow came down with at the 50 yard line on the last drive of the game. Alex had two defenders draped on him and the ball looked like it might even sail out of bounds. Simply put, if Haigis doesn't make that grab, the season was over.
The two young men opponents least want to see arrive in their area code are #52 Matt Evans and #38 Evan Comeau. They are beasts. They are animals. You can usually identify either of them not by their numbers, but by the way they move. They just don't look like they are incumberred by pads....until the moment of impact. At that point there is a distinct sound from the field, like there's a hidden microphone in their shoulder pads. These kids will wreck you. At one point against the "little blue", Comeau was hit out of bounds after a carry, flipped in the air, bounced off his head and landed on his heels getting up in one fluid motion. The Pix thought he might need a breather. Instead, Comeau let out a primal scream to the sideline that brought to mind a scene from "Braveheart". But there was also a gigantic smile on this kid's face. Years from now when Comeau remembers his favorite moment of this season and perhaps of his young life, the Pix would be surprised if that precise moment doesn't come to mind.
The Pix isn't sure what class Marcell Hardmon is, but #26 has emerged as the primary ball carrier for team and has been the perfect complement to Richardson's arial arsenal. Watching Marcell run, it took the Pix a few games to figure out why he was so successful. Here it is: he gets faster after the first would be tackler hits him. Just like Ali got better after taking his first punch, Hardmon accelerates through contact. And like a lot of good running backs with a low center of gravity, he's hard to find....until you see the back of his jersey running to the end zone.
Some Juniors.....let's first talk about "the Freak". #70, Nick Broughton. Parents aren't supposed to have favorite children, but coaches can have favorite players. Among several others about to be mentioned, Nick was one of the Pix' top kids. It has taken a while for his temper to catch up with his size and ability, but the Swampscott quarterback's last memory of the Thanksgiving game was having the Freak land on him. As the Pix stood next to Mrs. Broughton after the final play, it can neither be confirmed nor denied that the air got a little dusty for a moment or two.
Swampscott coach Dembowski has to hope the Perlows don't have any sons younger than Matt. After brother Sam ruined the little blue's thanksgiving a few years back by taking a pick six to the house to win the game, his younger brother carried on the family tradition of hazing Swampscott by opening the game with a nice reception over the middle. The real moment came, however, when the blue were once again advancing the ball against a completely gassed Marblehead defense. The Magician's "D" hadn't been able to stop anything much in the second half. Matt was hastily inserted into the line when a fallen Marbleheader had to be carried off the field due to dehydration and exhaustion. Perlow blew past his man right at the snap and took down the Swampscott QB.....and all the air came out of the blue baloon. Their fans stopped cheering after that play. It might have been the defensive play of the season.
When #15 Ryan Stanojev came out of the womb, the Pix thinks he must have stiff armed the doctor and scampered off down the hall. The Pix still remembers a third and 15 in our own territory years ago when "stiff arm" Stano got the call and fended off 3 different defenders for the first down. Fast forward four years and you can still see the left handed ball carrier expertly use his right hand to elude tacklers. Used primarily on defense this year, Stano is a ball hawk and an all around athlete. Loo k out for #15 to get a turnover tomorrow.
#42 Josh Freedland is another kid the Pix has been watching all year. The same week Josh blocked a kick and returned it for a touchdown, the "Reporter" listed "the Professor" on the high honor roll. The Pix isn't sure, but he thinks it was Freedland who lowered his shoulder and denied Swampscott on 4th and inches giving back the ball to the offense with a little over 2 minutes left in the game. #42 is deceptively fast and strong. The Pix would be shocked if Josh wasn't a co-captain next year.
There are many players the Pix would like time to write more about (super lineman Liam Gilliand comes to mind). With time for just one more, the Pix has to give it up for the official nephew, #20, Will Quigley. Quigley's interception on the second play of the Swampscott game set the tone for the day. His touchdown reception over the middle was seen in high definition by all the "midget" players who were crowding the end zone fence along with their fathers. The Pix looks forward to two more seasons of following #20. Will's biggest fan, the General, will be watching tomorrow's game from the ultimate seat in the sky box.
Like all youth sports that culminate at the high scool level, there will be an emotinal investment being made from the stands that is hard to put into words. For whatever reason, football is the greatest of all the sports in this way. The Pix thinks it is because football is the sport that requires the kids to make the greatest physical and emotional investments. You can see it in the players' eyes at the end of games. There is nothing left to give. As the Seniors take off their uniforms tomorrow, for most of them, it will be for the last time. If the Pix could be in the locker room, he would tell them that in life, what matters most is not the destination, but the journey. The journey. These young men have been on and have taken their fans and family on a journey that few ever get to go on. We thank you for the ride.
Last week the Boston Globe wrote that Rockland merely had to "find the Manning Bowl" for them to get to the next round. They found the Mannning bowl. They found coach Rudloff. They found Evans, Perlow, Hardmon, Demarco Dooley and the Freak. They found Comeau, Gilliand, Forman and Freedland. They found Quigs and Stano. They found Hayes Richardson and they found a beat down compliments of the 5000 or so screaming Marbleheaders who will now make their way to Foxboro. For their efforts, the Marblehead High School football team will set foot on the same turf as some of the greatest players in the history of the game.
The Pix would simply like to salute the team, the coaching staff and everyone involved with the program. Good luck, boys. You have made your parents proud. You have made your town proud. Hopefully you have made yourselves proud. Go get them.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Curious calls
Boston sports fans have had a rough week. We've had to listen to local
and national media all week long badmouth the Guru for blowing the game
against our most hated rival. It was exhaustingenough to have to understand how the Pats blew a 3 touchdown lead in the 4th quarter....but adding to that fisting
was the knowledge that the Guru may have lost his fastball. In
addition, it's beginning to look like the blessings from the sports
gods over the last several years in Boston have all but dried up.
ShouldBelichick have punted? Not sure. The Pix kind of liked the call
at the time. What the media of course has failed to even mention once
this week is that if the refs give Faulk a better spot, the word
"genius" would be getting thrown a whole lot. Anyway, the whole episode
has left the Pix less inspired than ArianaHuffington at a Sarah Palin book signing. Whether or not one agrees or not disagrees with Belichick, we should all agree that the following items are even more curious....
1.
The people who bring their own bags to the grocery store. What the hell
is going on here? Since when did the answer to "paper or plastic?"
become, "no thanks, I brought my own." Really? Plastic too convenient
for you? Recycling paper bags not "green" enough?WTF ? What makes this
even more outrageous and, quite frankly, blew the Pix' mind is that
people actually have to BUY these queer bags. Holy poseurs, Batman.
Even worse, several months ago, the Pix opened the rear door to theshaggin
' wagon and spotted 10 of these completely gay "Market Basket" bags.
Evidently, the official wife is in on this fraud. Honey, if we are so
cost conscious that we are grocery shopping at Market basket then we
should probably accept their kind offer to supply us with complimentary
paper bags. Please and thank you.
2. Market Basket. For those readers unfamiliar with this grocery store chain, imagine a Cinco de
Mayo party crossed with the last few embassy workers fleeing Saigon in
April 1975 when that helicopter got pushed off the roof. Just bedlam.
In Spanish. Every time the official wife braves this trip and returns
with all 3 official kids, the Pix is amazed and relieved. Occasionally
on rainy weekends the Pix will take the official boys to Target to pick
up some toys and a little swine flu. Since Target is located right next
door to Market Basket, the Pix occasionally glances in the direction of
the mammoth beast and thinks ofKurtz'a last words from "Heart of
Darkness", "The Horror! The Horror!" Please, dear readers, stay away
from Market Basket and save thy selves.
3. Dudes in their 60's
who like to walk around nude in locker rooms. It never ceases to amaze
the Pix. Show the Pix a men's locker room and the Pix will show you a
flock of geezers swinging their junk around like it's anAARP nudist convention. Really? No towel
around the waist? Last week the Pix (while changing as quickly as
possible) had to listen to some fossil on his cell phone have a full
conversation with some unsuspecting soul while he put one leg up on the
bench and aired himself out in all his glory.WTF? Attention naked geezers, put down the cell phones and put on some skivvies.
4.
Worse still.......people who go to the gym who evidently have not
bathed in what must be weeks. This was a bad week for the Pix at the
gym. After surviving the naked caller, the Pix was minding his own
business when all of a sudden some foreign looking dude walked by
leaving a stench so thick that had I taken a picture of the air, I'm
pretty sure the scent would have appeared on film. This was the kind of
stench that is so powerful and stubborn that it refuses to leave the
area. It had the power of a million egg farts and a shelf life longer than uranium. There is no friggin
way possible this dude didn't know he reeked. Fortunately, the mystery
stinker left before the Pix became belligerent. If this olfactory
offender reappears, the Pix is paying for his membership to be revoked.
Here's a sample of the conversation that will occur the next time the
Pix and stinky boy cross paths.
Pix: "Hey Stinko, beat it. I'm serious, bolt, get out of here. You reek."
Stinks: "What?"
Pix:
"YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE GYM. I JUST PAID FOR YOUR MEMBERSHIP. YOU CAN'T
COME HERE ANY MORE. YOU SHOULD BE IN A MENTAL FACILITY."
I know
some readers may think that's a bit harsh, but do we not all share some
form of social contract with one another in civilized society? You
can't just go around running red lights, driving on the left side of
the road, starting fights etc....and smelling so foul that those around
you can not stand to be in your presence has to fall in there
somewhere, doesn't it? Wicked sorry, but the Pix is only after a
minimum of acceptablebehavior. Thanking you thanking the Pix. Which leads to another thing that stinks..........
5. The Jets. Not only can the Jets not wipe away the stench that Breet
left them with last year, their coach broke down and had a little cry
in front of his team this week to get them fired up for the Pats. Or to
get ready for Oprah's last season.....one or the other. Seriously, Rex,
you can't act like a big fat bully one day and then let your inner
daughter break out during a team meeting and sob like you just watched
the last scene from "Beaches". It's just not done, man. The Pats will
be fired up after last weeks unmentionable. Final score: NE 37, Jets 19.
Disclaimer: The Pix will neither confirm nor deny having seen "Beaches". The Pix has no idea what happened to Bette Midler in the end. Nor has he heard the song "Wind Beneath My Wings". Ever. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Pix out
and national media all week long badmouth the Guru for blowing the game
against our most hated rival. It was exhaustingenough to have to understand how the Pats blew a 3 touchdown lead in the 4th quarter....but adding to that fisting
was the knowledge that the Guru may have lost his fastball. In
addition, it's beginning to look like the blessings from the sports
gods over the last several years in Boston have all but dried up.
ShouldBelichick have punted? Not sure. The Pix kind of liked the call
at the time. What the media of course has failed to even mention once
this week is that if the refs give Faulk a better spot, the word
"genius" would be getting thrown a whole lot. Anyway, the whole episode
has left the Pix less inspired than ArianaHuffington at a Sarah Palin book signing. Whether or not one agrees or not disagrees with Belichick, we should all agree that the following items are even more curious....
1.
The people who bring their own bags to the grocery store. What the hell
is going on here? Since when did the answer to "paper or plastic?"
become, "no thanks, I brought my own." Really? Plastic too convenient
for you? Recycling paper bags not "green" enough?WTF ? What makes this
even more outrageous and, quite frankly, blew the Pix' mind is that
people actually have to BUY these queer bags. Holy poseurs, Batman.
Even worse, several months ago, the Pix opened the rear door to theshaggin
' wagon and spotted 10 of these completely gay "Market Basket" bags.
Evidently, the official wife is in on this fraud. Honey, if we are so
cost conscious that we are grocery shopping at Market basket then we
should probably accept their kind offer to supply us with complimentary
paper bags. Please and thank you.
2. Market Basket. For those readers unfamiliar with this grocery store chain, imagine a Cinco de
Mayo party crossed with the last few embassy workers fleeing Saigon in
April 1975 when that helicopter got pushed off the roof. Just bedlam.
In Spanish. Every time the official wife braves this trip and returns
with all 3 official kids, the Pix is amazed and relieved. Occasionally
on rainy weekends the Pix will take the official boys to Target to pick
up some toys and a little swine flu. Since Target is located right next
door to Market Basket, the Pix occasionally glances in the direction of
the mammoth beast and thinks ofKurtz'a last words from "Heart of
Darkness", "The Horror! The Horror!" Please, dear readers, stay away
from Market Basket and save thy selves.
3. Dudes in their 60's
who like to walk around nude in locker rooms. It never ceases to amaze
the Pix. Show the Pix a men's locker room and the Pix will show you a
flock of geezers swinging their junk around like it's anAARP nudist convention. Really? No towel
around the waist? Last week the Pix (while changing as quickly as
possible) had to listen to some fossil on his cell phone have a full
conversation with some unsuspecting soul while he put one leg up on the
bench and aired himself out in all his glory.WTF? Attention naked geezers, put down the cell phones and put on some skivvies.
4.
Worse still.......people who go to the gym who evidently have not
bathed in what must be weeks. This was a bad week for the Pix at the
gym. After surviving the naked caller, the Pix was minding his own
business when all of a sudden some foreign looking dude walked by
leaving a stench so thick that had I taken a picture of the air, I'm
pretty sure the scent would have appeared on film. This was the kind of
stench that is so powerful and stubborn that it refuses to leave the
area. It had the power of a million egg farts and a shelf life longer than uranium. There is no friggin
way possible this dude didn't know he reeked. Fortunately, the mystery
stinker left before the Pix became belligerent. If this olfactory
offender reappears, the Pix is paying for his membership to be revoked.
Here's a sample of the conversation that will occur the next time the
Pix and stinky boy cross paths.
Pix: "Hey Stinko, beat it. I'm serious, bolt, get out of here. You reek."
Stinks: "What?"
Pix:
"YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE GYM. I JUST PAID FOR YOUR MEMBERSHIP. YOU CAN'T
COME HERE ANY MORE. YOU SHOULD BE IN A MENTAL FACILITY."
I know
some readers may think that's a bit harsh, but do we not all share some
form of social contract with one another in civilized society? You
can't just go around running red lights, driving on the left side of
the road, starting fights etc....and smelling so foul that those around
you can not stand to be in your presence has to fall in there
somewhere, doesn't it? Wicked sorry, but the Pix is only after a
minimum of acceptablebehavior. Thanking you thanking the Pix. Which leads to another thing that stinks..........
5. The Jets. Not only can the Jets not wipe away the stench that Breet
left them with last year, their coach broke down and had a little cry
in front of his team this week to get them fired up for the Pats. Or to
get ready for Oprah's last season.....one or the other. Seriously, Rex,
you can't act like a big fat bully one day and then let your inner
daughter break out during a team meeting and sob like you just watched
the last scene from "Beaches". It's just not done, man. The Pats will
be fired up after last weeks unmentionable. Final score: NE 37, Jets 19.
Disclaimer: The Pix will neither confirm nor deny having seen "Beaches". The Pix has no idea what happened to Bette Midler in the end. Nor has he heard the song "Wind Beneath My Wings". Ever. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Pix out
Friday, November 13, 2009
Kooky Birds
As all readers know, the Pix has been studying the feline form for a long time and considers himself somewhat of an expert when it comes to "observing the herd". To say the least, they are an amusing gender. Normally, the kooky and silly ways of the ovarian society are best appreciated while taking in their behavior with a grain of salt and a small shake of the head. Girls will be girls, as they say. Lately, however, the hormonal herd has been a little more than normally off kilter. Irrespective of any lunar issues, several articles have popped up in the news that, in conjunction with not a few incidents on the homefront, have the Pix concerned and compelled to help out the matronage.
Johann Goethe, esteemed German writer, polymath and author of "Faust" famously wrote, "Ewig-Weibliche zieht uns hinan". Which as we all know, means "these beetches be krazy". Exhibit A....http://bbc.co.uk/2/health/8352711.stm. That's right, British birds are lining up at their surgeons offices to shell out $5,000.00 for labiaplasties. In other words, it seems camel toes are quite out of style in jolly old England. The NHS in England reports that there were 1,118 performed last year (an increase of 70%), however the true number is unknown since the vast majority of these procedures were performed privately. As Larry David would say, "Oy Vey Gishmir". It's bad enough that this generation of gals are drowning in tramp stamps and multiple piercings, the poor things seem so confused and desperate to please the hommes that when they are not mutilating themselves, they are busy posting self made sex tapes and appearing in "Girls Gone Wild" videos (which, incidentally, they appear in for free while a man named Joe Francis makes millions). Ladies, please, calm thyselves.
Exhibit B....earlier this week, the official wife, sister and Mrs. Vegas went out for a little birthday dinner to a local white tablecloth restaurant. Innocent enough, one might think. However, after getting their Chardonnay on and losing the official sister to some unknown malady, Thelma and Louise decided to cruise the north shore looking for any establishment that might still be serving some drinking damselles. What makes this anecdote worth mentioning is that of all the establishments they could have tried, they decided to go the G5. For the inernational readers of the Pix, the G5 is a men's only club where they serve dollar drafts to men seeking to escape the company of the fairer sex. It's not the type of place with a wine list, and this fact was clearly known by the sisters of sauvignon blanc. Clealy, princesses of pinot grigio simply wanted to gain access to the forbidden fortress. A place where sports and poker and pool are prevalent. Why is it that the kooky birds have been trying to break into men's clubs, pubs, forts, and secret gay societies since the beginning of time? Ladies, please, form thine own clubs.
Exhibit 3....Bachelorette parties. Have you seen what these things have turned into lately? Entire web sites are now dedicated to the zany antics of repressed butterflies seeking to one up whatever their male counterparts may or may not be doing on the stag party circuit. Let's just say the Pix has seen enough of these first hand to be frightened by the very idea of a bachelorette party. The Pix won't get too specific (one hates to cast aspersions), but on one instance the fiance returned with phalli made of every material known to man(the manganese one was weird) and the other with a sex tape involving the betrothed, the Harlem Globetrotters and a donkey. Fortunately for the Pix, the official wife went to a local homeless shelter and read scripture to the blind for her BP. If this generation of felines didn't have enough to live up to.......be a full time mom, have a full time job at same time etc...it seems as if they are trying to make up for 100 years worth of payback for bachelor parties. The Pix isn't sure who to be more afraid of, Muslims in the US military about to be shipped overseas or a score of crazed bachelorettes.... For the love of humanity, please, ladies, put your bra back on, the tequila shot down and step away from the bar.
We know, ladies, it's not fair. Remember the perfume commercial from the '70's for a product called "Angelie"?. There was some buxom brunette singing, "I can bring home the bacon..........fry it up in a pan......and never ever ever let you forget you'r e a man. Cause I'm a Wooooooman. Angelie". The Pix has no idea where he was going with this, other than it made me think of bacon and now you will be humming that tune the rest of the day if you remember it. Oh, yes, the Pix remembers.....he is here to help....
1. Do indeed, bring home the bacon. Preferably uncured without sulfites. Maybe a thick sliced applewood smoked little number to go deliciously with the 10:00 am medium fried organic free range chicken egg on sour dough Bays english muffin with shredded cheddar. Please and thank you.
2. Do not, however fry it up in a pan. Instead, place a cooling rack in your half sheet pan over a layer of parchment paper and bake at 350 for about 15 minutes. The bacon won't curl or burn and clean up will be a breeze. Thanking you, thanking me.
3. Never ever let me forget I'm a man. Um, shouldn't be too hard. Upon arrival home, provide the Pix whith a chilled martini glass straight from the freezer and fill said vessell with 2 parts Bombay gin and one part filth (olive juice). Two olives, one toothpick, no kids with H1N1 or full diapers and the remote. Pleasing.
There it is ladies, the Pix is here to help.
Football........only one game matters this week. Pats +3 at Colts. The Pix is a little nevous due to the fact that too many pundits are picking the Pats, but the Pix just doesn't see the Colts D sans Sanders able to stop Brady and co. You know the Guru only used half his playbook last week while euthanizing the Dolphins and will have some trix up his sleave for Indy. Let's say Patriots 41, Colts 30. An old AFC shootout.
Minor disclaimer.......all references to all above mentioned characters are purely fictional and are for entertainment purposes only. Except for DUG a few weeks back. He is real and he is very dangerous.
Pix out.
Johann Goethe, esteemed German writer, polymath and author of "Faust" famously wrote, "Ewig-Weibliche zieht uns hinan". Which as we all know, means "these beetches be krazy". Exhibit A....http://bbc.co.uk/2/health/8352711.stm. That's right, British birds are lining up at their surgeons offices to shell out $5,000.00 for labiaplasties. In other words, it seems camel toes are quite out of style in jolly old England. The NHS in England reports that there were 1,118 performed last year (an increase of 70%), however the true number is unknown since the vast majority of these procedures were performed privately. As Larry David would say, "Oy Vey Gishmir". It's bad enough that this generation of gals are drowning in tramp stamps and multiple piercings, the poor things seem so confused and desperate to please the hommes that when they are not mutilating themselves, they are busy posting self made sex tapes and appearing in "Girls Gone Wild" videos (which, incidentally, they appear in for free while a man named Joe Francis makes millions). Ladies, please, calm thyselves.
Exhibit B....earlier this week, the official wife, sister and Mrs. Vegas went out for a little birthday dinner to a local white tablecloth restaurant. Innocent enough, one might think. However, after getting their Chardonnay on and losing the official sister to some unknown malady, Thelma and Louise decided to cruise the north shore looking for any establishment that might still be serving some drinking damselles. What makes this anecdote worth mentioning is that of all the establishments they could have tried, they decided to go the G5. For the inernational readers of the Pix, the G5 is a men's only club where they serve dollar drafts to men seeking to escape the company of the fairer sex. It's not the type of place with a wine list, and this fact was clearly known by the sisters of sauvignon blanc. Clealy, princesses of pinot grigio simply wanted to gain access to the forbidden fortress. A place where sports and poker and pool are prevalent. Why is it that the kooky birds have been trying to break into men's clubs, pubs, forts, and secret gay societies since the beginning of time? Ladies, please, form thine own clubs.
Exhibit 3....Bachelorette parties. Have you seen what these things have turned into lately? Entire web sites are now dedicated to the zany antics of repressed butterflies seeking to one up whatever their male counterparts may or may not be doing on the stag party circuit. Let's just say the Pix has seen enough of these first hand to be frightened by the very idea of a bachelorette party. The Pix won't get too specific (one hates to cast aspersions), but on one instance the fiance returned with phalli made of every material known to man(the manganese one was weird) and the other with a sex tape involving the betrothed, the Harlem Globetrotters and a donkey. Fortunately for the Pix, the official wife went to a local homeless shelter and read scripture to the blind for her BP. If this generation of felines didn't have enough to live up to.......be a full time mom, have a full time job at same time etc...it seems as if they are trying to make up for 100 years worth of payback for bachelor parties. The Pix isn't sure who to be more afraid of, Muslims in the US military about to be shipped overseas or a score of crazed bachelorettes.... For the love of humanity, please, ladies, put your bra back on, the tequila shot down and step away from the bar.
We know, ladies, it's not fair. Remember the perfume commercial from the '70's for a product called "Angelie"?. There was some buxom brunette singing, "I can bring home the bacon..........fry it up in a pan......and never ever ever let you forget you'r e a man. Cause I'm a Wooooooman. Angelie". The Pix has no idea where he was going with this, other than it made me think of bacon and now you will be humming that tune the rest of the day if you remember it. Oh, yes, the Pix remembers.....he is here to help....
1. Do indeed, bring home the bacon. Preferably uncured without sulfites. Maybe a thick sliced applewood smoked little number to go deliciously with the 10:00 am medium fried organic free range chicken egg on sour dough Bays english muffin with shredded cheddar. Please and thank you.
2. Do not, however fry it up in a pan. Instead, place a cooling rack in your half sheet pan over a layer of parchment paper and bake at 350 for about 15 minutes. The bacon won't curl or burn and clean up will be a breeze. Thanking you, thanking me.
3. Never ever let me forget I'm a man. Um, shouldn't be too hard. Upon arrival home, provide the Pix whith a chilled martini glass straight from the freezer and fill said vessell with 2 parts Bombay gin and one part filth (olive juice). Two olives, one toothpick, no kids with H1N1 or full diapers and the remote. Pleasing.
There it is ladies, the Pix is here to help.
Football........only one game matters this week. Pats +3 at Colts. The Pix is a little nevous due to the fact that too many pundits are picking the Pats, but the Pix just doesn't see the Colts D sans Sanders able to stop Brady and co. You know the Guru only used half his playbook last week while euthanizing the Dolphins and will have some trix up his sleave for Indy. Let's say Patriots 41, Colts 30. An old AFC shootout.
Minor disclaimer.......all references to all above mentioned characters are purely fictional and are for entertainment purposes only. Except for DUG a few weeks back. He is real and he is very dangerous.
Pix out.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Spanks for nothing
The Pix took some time off from beating his children recently and went online to peruse the internets for some potential topics on which to opine. There was, of course, the usual....Balloon boy, John and Kate, Letterman and his ho's, Steve Phillips and his most unfortunate choice of crazy fat skank to sabotage his life with. So pedestrian, such low hanging fruit, so bourgeois. The Pix knows that his four readers really want international intrigue or perhaps some existential exercise debating the merits of cultural relative morality vs. a quasi Jungian approach to religious mores. Or maybe more porn titles. As usual, the theme for today's post is totally random and spontaneous. It comes from 3 of the 8 headlines from Fox news Boston.....which the Pix was directed to in order to vote on the game of the week for high school football. The three story lines Fox was pursuing were asinine even by Fox's standards. Here they are:
1. An article about colleges cracking down on beer pong due to the swine flu. Really? Seriously? There's "fluid sharing" going on at colleges? Folks, listen, the Pix has been to college. Tried to break into one last week. As far as the spread of communicable diseases is concerned on college campuses across this great nation, plastic beer cups and ping pong really shouldn't ring the register. Maybe funnels, "trains", and throwing on some guys lacrosse shorts sans undergarments for the walk of shame. Beer pong? Not so much. The Pix played and was witness to roughly 6 million games of beer pong freshman year alone and never once did the Pix witness cups being cross consumed from. Pissing in the SAE's air vents? Perhaps. Feeding a large stray dog a 5 lb bag of Alpo with a little ex-lax and locking him in the SAE basement? Can't confirm nor deny. Paying our "little sisters" to bake some turbo-lax into the SAE bake sale brownies the morning of Greek Week? Um, guilty. But the unwritten rules of beer pong were and are to this day clear. Drink from thine own cup.
2. A gym in Marblehead caused a stir when the owner decided to hang a 12 foot American flag above the staircase. No shit.....this was a real news story. There were actual members who complained. Some threatened to quit. Ummm........don't let the door or my right foot hit you on the ass on the way out. Want to irritate the Pix? 1-hide the remote. 2-use filtering software on the internets. 3-Say anything about Breet other than you are going to put anti-freeze in his gatorade. 4-Act like a self righteous half enlightened putz by claiming that even mild forms of Patriotism are xenophobic or offensive. Dear Lord, don't get the Pix started. First of all, this is the gym that Chris Piper worked out in ......trained in every day he was home before and between active duty where he served in Delta force at various times in South America, Iraq and Afghanistan (where as most people know he was fatally injured by an IOD). The Pix has a strong feeling that the same asshats that object to the flag in a gym are the pretentious poseurs who have the green "Not on Out Watch" signs in their front yards referring to Darfur. As the Pix has noted before, these people couldn't find Darfur on a map with the help of Google. Not on their watch? The last time the Pix checked, the Chinese demand for Sudanese oil and their desire to remain out of the types of conflicts the West has become involved with marginally outweigh their fear of economic sanctions emanating from 3 families in Marblehead. You fucking poseurs. Don't like the flag in the gym? Want to cancel your membership? Good, the Pix just joined that gym today thanks to you and if the Pix hears you complaining about the flag you are going to get a Darfur sign right up your ass. By the way, the Pix is slightly tipsy as he types this.
3. An article detailing the perils and emotional hardships brought on children by raising your voice. The article was titled "Is Yelling the new Spanking?". Allow the Pix to answer that question. Um............................no. If yelling is the new spanking, then the official wife is far more into bondage than the Pix had known. Seriously, isn't spanking the new spanking? And doesn't it work really well? The Pix was spanked so much as a child by the official father that the old man felt there was too much padding on the ass and went with a belt to the back of the thighs. That smarted. And yelling? If getting yelled at causes emotional scarring, the Pix would have long ago been at the Post Office with an AK-47 and thousand of armor piercing rounds. As it is, the Pix saves those for the green sign gang. But let's allow ourselves to indulge in a little new age pussified word euphemism for a moment, shall we? Actually, let's not. Let's go the opposite way.....Here are some Fox headlines you may read when the Pix takes over the Boston affiliate.
Is staying out late with the boys at a strip joint is the new getting home early and reading scripture?
Are biscuits and gravy the new the new carrots?
Is slamming some one's face into their windshield for not turning on the blinker is the new honking?
Is "Piss off" the new "no thank you"?
Is killing Breet the new euthanasia?
Obviously, none of these things are true, except the last, but here is a small list of what is..
40 is the new 30.......until the Pix turns 50
The '09 Pats are the new '02 Pats (winning the super bowl)
Mark Sanchez is the new dirty Sanchez.
The '09 Yankees are the new '03 Yankees (they lose in 7)
Spankwire is the new Red Tube
Oh, football...........The Pix:
Houston -3 @ Buffalo
Dolphins +3 @ Jets
SF +14 @ Colts
Dallas -10 over Sea
Browns + 14 @ Bears
NYG +1 @ Phi
SD -17 over Oak
Tenn -3 over Jax
AZ -10 over Carolina
GB -3 over Vikings......LOCK OF THE MILLENIUM
Atl +10 @ NO
Pix out....
1. An article about colleges cracking down on beer pong due to the swine flu. Really? Seriously? There's "fluid sharing" going on at colleges? Folks, listen, the Pix has been to college. Tried to break into one last week. As far as the spread of communicable diseases is concerned on college campuses across this great nation, plastic beer cups and ping pong really shouldn't ring the register. Maybe funnels, "trains", and throwing on some guys lacrosse shorts sans undergarments for the walk of shame. Beer pong? Not so much. The Pix played and was witness to roughly 6 million games of beer pong freshman year alone and never once did the Pix witness cups being cross consumed from. Pissing in the SAE's air vents? Perhaps. Feeding a large stray dog a 5 lb bag of Alpo with a little ex-lax and locking him in the SAE basement? Can't confirm nor deny. Paying our "little sisters" to bake some turbo-lax into the SAE bake sale brownies the morning of Greek Week? Um, guilty. But the unwritten rules of beer pong were and are to this day clear. Drink from thine own cup.
2. A gym in Marblehead caused a stir when the owner decided to hang a 12 foot American flag above the staircase. No shit.....this was a real news story. There were actual members who complained. Some threatened to quit. Ummm........don't let the door or my right foot hit you on the ass on the way out. Want to irritate the Pix? 1-hide the remote. 2-use filtering software on the internets. 3-Say anything about Breet other than you are going to put anti-freeze in his gatorade. 4-Act like a self righteous half enlightened putz by claiming that even mild forms of Patriotism are xenophobic or offensive. Dear Lord, don't get the Pix started. First of all, this is the gym that Chris Piper worked out in ......trained in every day he was home before and between active duty where he served in Delta force at various times in South America, Iraq and Afghanistan (where as most people know he was fatally injured by an IOD). The Pix has a strong feeling that the same asshats that object to the flag in a gym are the pretentious poseurs who have the green "Not on Out Watch" signs in their front yards referring to Darfur. As the Pix has noted before, these people couldn't find Darfur on a map with the help of Google. Not on their watch? The last time the Pix checked, the Chinese demand for Sudanese oil and their desire to remain out of the types of conflicts the West has become involved with marginally outweigh their fear of economic sanctions emanating from 3 families in Marblehead. You fucking poseurs. Don't like the flag in the gym? Want to cancel your membership? Good, the Pix just joined that gym today thanks to you and if the Pix hears you complaining about the flag you are going to get a Darfur sign right up your ass. By the way, the Pix is slightly tipsy as he types this.
3. An article detailing the perils and emotional hardships brought on children by raising your voice. The article was titled "Is Yelling the new Spanking?". Allow the Pix to answer that question. Um............................no. If yelling is the new spanking, then the official wife is far more into bondage than the Pix had known. Seriously, isn't spanking the new spanking? And doesn't it work really well? The Pix was spanked so much as a child by the official father that the old man felt there was too much padding on the ass and went with a belt to the back of the thighs. That smarted. And yelling? If getting yelled at causes emotional scarring, the Pix would have long ago been at the Post Office with an AK-47 and thousand of armor piercing rounds. As it is, the Pix saves those for the green sign gang. But let's allow ourselves to indulge in a little new age pussified word euphemism for a moment, shall we? Actually, let's not. Let's go the opposite way.....Here are some Fox headlines you may read when the Pix takes over the Boston affiliate.
Is staying out late with the boys at a strip joint is the new getting home early and reading scripture?
Are biscuits and gravy the new the new carrots?
Is slamming some one's face into their windshield for not turning on the blinker is the new honking?
Is "Piss off" the new "no thank you"?
Is killing Breet the new euthanasia?
Obviously, none of these things are true, except the last, but here is a small list of what is..
40 is the new 30.......until the Pix turns 50
The '09 Pats are the new '02 Pats (winning the super bowl)
Mark Sanchez is the new dirty Sanchez.
The '09 Yankees are the new '03 Yankees (they lose in 7)
Spankwire is the new Red Tube
Oh, football...........The Pix:
Houston -3 @ Buffalo
Dolphins +3 @ Jets
SF +14 @ Colts
Dallas -10 over Sea
Browns + 14 @ Bears
NYG +1 @ Phi
SD -17 over Oak
Tenn -3 over Jax
AZ -10 over Carolina
GB -3 over Vikings......LOCK OF THE MILLENIUM
Atl +10 @ NO
Pix out....
Friday, October 16, 2009
Dear Pix...
Most readers are already aware that the Pix is an expert on football, the internets, sandwich condiments and ancient Sumarian culture. The Pix is also considered fairly well versed in Asian currencies, American Presidents from 1804-1828, curing bed head, prison art and avoiding crowds, lines and traffic. What some readers may not be aware of, or even be surprised to hear is that the Pix is generally considered to be a relationship expert. The Pix hates to brag, but a trip or three around the old matrimonial pole tends to foster some major relationship skillz. Many a night the phone will ring or the blackberry will vibrate with someone, somewhere needing some emergency advice, Pix style. Therefore, in the spirit of matrimonial bliss and the general improvement of male/female relations......here is the first Pix advice column...all questions are real and have come from actual fop's. Names and places have been altered to protect the innocent.
Dear Pix,
I was recently overserved at a dinner party and was then woken up the next morning by my wife and kids at 9:30 am. What's wrong with this picture?
Signed, Dug from Marblehead
Dear Dug,
What's wrong with this picture? How about everything? First of all, the Pix requires 10 hours of comfy sleep starting at whatever time the Pix' head hits the pillow. It sounds like your woman is insensitive and doesn't care about your health. Not only that, what are the kids still doing in the house? They should be out raking leaves or getting a paper route. Good God, man. Get ahold of your situation pronto. My advice is to leave a note for the Mrs. with breakfast instructions and an approximate time for the meal is to be served. May I reccommend a #4 from the DD? Sometime around noon, I should think. That should leave you enough time to make any late fantasy football changes before the 1:00 games and to send the little lady to the liquor store in case you are running low on refreshing beverages. Needless to say, the remote should be properly placed on the left hand side of your breakfast tray and all shades should be drawn so that no devil sunlight will disturb your delightful repast.
Dear Pix,
Last Thursday morning I had to get dressed in a hurry for work. Sometime around noon I noticed that my wife had rolled one black sock with a navy blue one. You can imagine my disgust. How should I handle this egregious error?
Signed, Akky
Dear Akky,
First of all, I aplaud your patience and tolerance waiting for the Pix to reply before you acted. Although no one could have blamed you regardless of your response. The Pix, in cases such as these, recomends a sliding probationary scale for domestic injustices and disturbances. Improperly folding or matching the laundry is a serious offense. Fortunately in this case it was not mixing whites and darks together. For a first offense (which I have to suppose this is) I would revoke Oprah watching privaleges for one week. Second offense? Take away the car keys.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I live in a house with only one TV. Most of the time we watch what I want to watch, but occasionally I give in and let her watch an episode of "Grey's Anatomy". Should I just buy another TV?
Signed, Breet in Minneapolis
Dear Breet,
You have only one TV AND you let your wife choose shows? Why don't you just get a second job while your wife dates other men? Or even better, why don't you get on her facebook account and contact all her past boyfriends and set up a time when they can all watch "The View" and have a giant orgy? In the meantime you can go to the mall and buy her gift cards for endless massages and pedicures. Here's the Pix' advice: Put on your Jets jersey and walk into "The Triple OOO's" in Southie screaming that you voted for Obama and that Whitey Bulger liked dudes.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this month and I'd like to do something special for her. Any ideas?
Mr. Vegas in Marblehead
Dear Mr. Vegas,
First of all let me congratulate you on such a lengthy marriage. 5 years is a hurdle many couples struggle getting over. Now that you are clearly in such a secure place in your relationship, the Pix would argue that you are probably beyond the point in "trying" to impress the little lady any longer. Nonetheless, if you must, here's a few ideas for a special night out....first of all, pick a Thursday. ESPN usually has some decent conference football games on. You don't want to waste one of the "real" weekend nights on a date with your wife. Where's she going to go, right? Anyhoo, I'd say to hit "Hooters" for some wings and pre game beverages. Then head over to the "Fours" and get yourselves some good bar seats for the game. Preferrably on the corner so you can check out any hotties that walk behind her and not get busted. After the game, what say you take in some local dancers? Remember, Thursday is amateur night at the "Cabaret" and there is a nice little gift store next door for some late night entertainment. Be sure to leave your breakfast order where she can see it in the a.m.
Dear Pix,
Last Sunday my wife totally jinxed the Patriots by asking me what I wanted for dinner right when the ref called Leigh Bodden for taunting. Should I write coach Belichick and apologize? I'm afraid of the playoff tiebreak scenarios given that Denver is in our conference. On a related note, my wife is on TV probation and I have started her on a prescription of Uncle Wiggly's throat cream to help her not talk during games. Have I covered all the bases?
Signed, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The world is broken into two types of people. Those who "get it" and those who don't. Clearly, Anonymous "gets it". The Pix wouldn't write coach yet, there's a chance the game won't have playoff implications. As for the other points, well played.
That's all the time the Pix has for this week folks. You know the Pix is all about romance and treating the ladies right. Given proper instruction, there's no reason a good wife can't consistently keep the ball between the goalposts. Please feel free to email the Pix with any relationship questions you may have. If you are in need of some personal instruction, drop by the Pix' house on any given Sunday and see how the Pix do.
KC +6 at Washington
Saints -3 vs Giants
Buccs +5 vs Panthers
Texans +5 vs Bengals
Steelers -14 over Browns
Rams +11 over Jags
Det +14 over Packers
Raiders +14 over Eagles
Bills +10 over Jets
Tenn +10 over Pats
Chargers -3 over Donkeys
Official wife +10 over Pix after reading this post
Pix out.
Dear Pix,
I was recently overserved at a dinner party and was then woken up the next morning by my wife and kids at 9:30 am. What's wrong with this picture?
Signed, Dug from Marblehead
Dear Dug,
What's wrong with this picture? How about everything? First of all, the Pix requires 10 hours of comfy sleep starting at whatever time the Pix' head hits the pillow. It sounds like your woman is insensitive and doesn't care about your health. Not only that, what are the kids still doing in the house? They should be out raking leaves or getting a paper route. Good God, man. Get ahold of your situation pronto. My advice is to leave a note for the Mrs. with breakfast instructions and an approximate time for the meal is to be served. May I reccommend a #4 from the DD? Sometime around noon, I should think. That should leave you enough time to make any late fantasy football changes before the 1:00 games and to send the little lady to the liquor store in case you are running low on refreshing beverages. Needless to say, the remote should be properly placed on the left hand side of your breakfast tray and all shades should be drawn so that no devil sunlight will disturb your delightful repast.
Dear Pix,
Last Thursday morning I had to get dressed in a hurry for work. Sometime around noon I noticed that my wife had rolled one black sock with a navy blue one. You can imagine my disgust. How should I handle this egregious error?
Signed, Akky
Dear Akky,
First of all, I aplaud your patience and tolerance waiting for the Pix to reply before you acted. Although no one could have blamed you regardless of your response. The Pix, in cases such as these, recomends a sliding probationary scale for domestic injustices and disturbances. Improperly folding or matching the laundry is a serious offense. Fortunately in this case it was not mixing whites and darks together. For a first offense (which I have to suppose this is) I would revoke Oprah watching privaleges for one week. Second offense? Take away the car keys.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I live in a house with only one TV. Most of the time we watch what I want to watch, but occasionally I give in and let her watch an episode of "Grey's Anatomy". Should I just buy another TV?
Signed, Breet in Minneapolis
Dear Breet,
You have only one TV AND you let your wife choose shows? Why don't you just get a second job while your wife dates other men? Or even better, why don't you get on her facebook account and contact all her past boyfriends and set up a time when they can all watch "The View" and have a giant orgy? In the meantime you can go to the mall and buy her gift cards for endless massages and pedicures. Here's the Pix' advice: Put on your Jets jersey and walk into "The Triple OOO's" in Southie screaming that you voted for Obama and that Whitey Bulger liked dudes.
Dear Pix,
My wife and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this month and I'd like to do something special for her. Any ideas?
Mr. Vegas in Marblehead
Dear Mr. Vegas,
First of all let me congratulate you on such a lengthy marriage. 5 years is a hurdle many couples struggle getting over. Now that you are clearly in such a secure place in your relationship, the Pix would argue that you are probably beyond the point in "trying" to impress the little lady any longer. Nonetheless, if you must, here's a few ideas for a special night out....first of all, pick a Thursday. ESPN usually has some decent conference football games on. You don't want to waste one of the "real" weekend nights on a date with your wife. Where's she going to go, right? Anyhoo, I'd say to hit "Hooters" for some wings and pre game beverages. Then head over to the "Fours" and get yourselves some good bar seats for the game. Preferrably on the corner so you can check out any hotties that walk behind her and not get busted. After the game, what say you take in some local dancers? Remember, Thursday is amateur night at the "Cabaret" and there is a nice little gift store next door for some late night entertainment. Be sure to leave your breakfast order where she can see it in the a.m.
Dear Pix,
Last Sunday my wife totally jinxed the Patriots by asking me what I wanted for dinner right when the ref called Leigh Bodden for taunting. Should I write coach Belichick and apologize? I'm afraid of the playoff tiebreak scenarios given that Denver is in our conference. On a related note, my wife is on TV probation and I have started her on a prescription of Uncle Wiggly's throat cream to help her not talk during games. Have I covered all the bases?
Signed, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
The world is broken into two types of people. Those who "get it" and those who don't. Clearly, Anonymous "gets it". The Pix wouldn't write coach yet, there's a chance the game won't have playoff implications. As for the other points, well played.
That's all the time the Pix has for this week folks. You know the Pix is all about romance and treating the ladies right. Given proper instruction, there's no reason a good wife can't consistently keep the ball between the goalposts. Please feel free to email the Pix with any relationship questions you may have. If you are in need of some personal instruction, drop by the Pix' house on any given Sunday and see how the Pix do.
KC +6 at Washington
Saints -3 vs Giants
Buccs +5 vs Panthers
Texans +5 vs Bengals
Steelers -14 over Browns
Rams +11 over Jags
Det +14 over Packers
Raiders +14 over Eagles
Bills +10 over Jets
Tenn +10 over Pats
Chargers -3 over Donkeys
Official wife +10 over Pix after reading this post
Pix out.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Sartorial Splendor
First of all, let's address the elephant in the room. Or the Stain on the earth. We all saw Breet last Monday night. The Duke of Douchiness, the The Prime Minister of Putrescence, the Viscount of Vaginosis.......Breet. As a lover of the history channel, it occurs to the Pix that the the three worst people of the last century were in ascending order:
1.Hitler....not much need for explanation here.
2.Pol Pot....leader of Khmer Rouge responsible for the killing of 21% the population of his own nation of Cambodia. (Not to be confused with Pot Paul, a suburban tennis playing puffer).
3.Breet. A proven kitten drowner and child molester. Rumors that he provided Roman Polanski with the Champagne and Quaaludes used n sodomizing a 13 year old girl have been confirmed by the Pix. As have rumors regarding the fact that Breet enjoys pickles with his cheeseburgers, bestiality and long walks on the beach. Ok, I made the last one up, but long walks on the beach are overrated.
The one thing the Pix will admit is that Breet looked good in purple. Why? Because the Vikings were wearing their throwback uniforms. The Pix has mentioned this before, but virtually every throwback uniform looks better than the current duds. Pun intended. Part of enjoying a football game in high definition is the aesthetics. And not to completely get my gay back, but the Pix has some thoughts on today's NFL uniforms. The Pix:
Viqueens -9 at Rams: The Vikings need to punt the swirly Nike designs they adopted a few years ago and to back to the unis they wore Monday night. The horned helmet design is a classic, but spike the purple pants on away games. They're gay. The Rams succumbed to the classic marketing strategy of the past decade by changing from yellow to gold after they won a Superbowl. Look at what has happened since. If it was good enough for Lawrence McCutchen, it should be good enough for you, Lambs.
Bengals +9 at Ravens: The first year the Bengals went to the striped helmet they went to the Superbowl. What seemed a little aggressive at the time are now pretty classic uniforms. Well played, Cinci. The Ravens? A forced look for a non descript team with no history playing in a city that becomes more and more minor league every year. Purple and black is not a color scheme. It's an accident between a pacer and a gremlin.
Redskins +4 at Panthers: The only thing left for the once proud Washington franchise is their great uniforms. Maybe the best helmet in the NFL. Personally, the Pix prefers the old Billy Kilmer uniforms from the 1972 Superbowl team over the Joe Theisman era two strip symmetrical sartor, but that's picking nits. However, if the Supreme Court makes them change their names and logos to something gay like the Lorax or Sneetches, the Pix reserves the right to revoke their high grade. The Panthers are boring and barely belong in the NFL. Every (almost) week the Pix wastes valuable second of his life writing useless words about the Panthers. Let's pretend they don't exist.
Steelers -11 over Lions. Two of the sweetest unis in the league. Although the Lions added that worthless black stripe to the proceedings a few years back in an effort to climb from 32 to 31 in merchandise sales. Memo to Lions: shitcan the black stripe. Steelers unis? Delicious!(was that too gay?)
*******Special Pix Public Service Announcement*******
People, people, people......the word "hysterical" doesn't mean what you think it means. You mean hilarious, not hysterical. Hysterical refers (according to Webster's) to a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability, or behavior exhibiting overwhelming fear. The Greeks thought the condition was particular to women and originated in the Uterus (Breet gets hysterical from time to time). It doesn't mean funny. Repeat, it doesn't mean funny. Thank you, please drive through.
Cowboys -8 over Chiefs: Nothing to see here. Just two solid traditional NFL uniforms that should never be tampered with. Maybe the Supreme Court will make the Chiefs remove the arrowhead shape from their helmets and replace it with a stalk of wheat or a hexagon. Has the Pix mentioned that the Supreme Court is gay?
Giants minus infinity against the Raiders: Kudos to the Giants for switching back to their uniforms from the 50's a few years back. Huge improvement over their 1980's quasi streamlined blocky cocaine laced uniforms. And where would the Raiders be without their classic silver and black with the coolest helmet logo in the NFL. What's that? They'd still be 1-3 with a real shot at 1-15? True that. Moving on....
Bucs +15 at Eagles: The Bucs' uniforms are a good example of no good intentions going unpunished. These unis suck. They remind me of a pancake house menu. The orange and white beauties from 1976 should never have been changed. The Pix has spoken, end of story. The Eagles efforts are solid, but the wing looks a little weird on the helmet. Best Eagle unis? Think Randall Cunningham, Keith Jackson and Reggie White's team under Buddy Ryan. The 2009 version makes me think Donovan Mcboring. Which makes me yawn. The Pix is getting sleepy.
Bills -6 over Browns: A few years back the Pix wrote about the conversation that somehow must have taken place decades ago in Cleveland........"Hey fellas, we need a color to go with Brown for our new football team named after me, the Browns?"...."How about Orange?"....And , well, the rest is history. As far as the Bills are concerned? (And no lie, this team is named after their first owner as well, Bill someone. As the Pix has said before, it's a good thing his first name wasn't Richard) Only a franchise as lame as the Bills could go with a uniform that screams fashion disaster over their classic throw backs. Incredible. And the red helmets? An abortion. Here's a list of people who should wear red helmets: Firemen. That's it, that's the list.
Niners -2 over Falcons: Let' just say the Falcon's color scheme matches their city and leave it at that, shall we? The 49'ers uniforms are, in the opinion of the Pix, the best in the NFL right now. But here's the thing.....Mike Singeltary wears a GIANT wooden cross (the cross of St. Andrew) around his neck on the outside of his clothes. The Pix is all for freedom of religion, but what if, for example, Marv Levy had worn a hubcap sized star of David around his neck? Think anyone would notice? What if Kareem Abdul Jabaar strolled the sidelines in a Niqab (He was a chick)? It's just a little out there is all the Pix is saying. We get it, Mike. You are a Christian. Congrats.
Colts -3 at Titans. Colts good unis. Titans lame and pathetic. Moving on.
Jets -2 at Dolphins: Jets were wise to go back to the Namath unis and shit can those Kermit outfits that stalwarts like Richard Todd Joe Klecko wore. Those things were as boring as Penn St.'s. The 1972 Dolphin unis were the best in the history of the league. Ever since they added a weird navy blue accent they have lost their identity. Half the time when I turn on a Dolphins game it take me a second to make sure it's not the Jaguars. That didn't used to be the case. Most know that the Pix was a huge Dolphin fan growing up. It took Don Shula losing his 187,408th lead using the prevent defense to finally turn the Pix into a Pats fan. What's that? You don't care? Alrighty then....
Pats -infinity at Donkeys. Two of the worst uniform violations committed in the history of the NFL. First, the Donkeys. Orange was their signature color! You always knew the Donkeys from 1. the hideous orange jerseys, 2. the hideous light/royal/weird shade of blue helmets with a logo too big for it's size and 3. from 1959 through 1999 they didn't play away games. And Donkey Elway's teeth. Holy gums, batman. Hey John. Mr. Ed called and said he wants his mandible and maxilla back. Now their uniforms make me think of Donkey Shannon Sharpe, speaking of huge pie holes. The Pix misses Shannon. Shannon is the only person alive that speaks worse than mumbles Menino. Those two should star on a game show called "what the **&^*%^ did he just say?" And the Patriots? C'mon. Admit it, the Flying Elvis is gay. Fortunately for the Kraft family, the Pix is here to help. Bring back Pat the Patriot logo, keep silver and blue as the color scheme with red piping and bring back the old style of straight lined uni with shoulder stripes. There, it's done.
Unfortunately for the teams with bye weeks this week, they won't have their uniforms broken down by the Pix, a tragedy for them to be sure. As a consolation prize, the Pix will rate the top uniforms of the other major sports....
Best Hockey uniforms:
1. Blackhawks
2. Red Wings
3. Maple Leafs
4. Canadiens
5. Bruins
Hoops:
1. Celtics
2. Bulls
3. Rockets
4. That's it, the rest are horrible
Baseball:
1. Cardinals
2. Red Sox
3. Dodgers
4. Cubs
5. Phillies
College football:
1. Notre Dame
2. Ohio St.
3. UCLA
4. Texas
5. Nebraska
College Hoops:
1. North Carolina
2. Davidson
3. Maryland
4. Louisville
5. UCLA
Please don't overwhelm the comments section as much as you have in weeks past. The Pix can't digest more than 1 reader comment per week. Last Pix public service announcement....if you haven't discovered comcast channel 287 yet, go there Sunday. yes, readers of the Pix, there is a Santa Claus.
Pix out......
1.Hitler....not much need for explanation here.
2.Pol Pot....leader of Khmer Rouge responsible for the killing of 21% the population of his own nation of Cambodia. (Not to be confused with Pot Paul, a suburban tennis playing puffer).
3.Breet. A proven kitten drowner and child molester. Rumors that he provided Roman Polanski with the Champagne and Quaaludes used n sodomizing a 13 year old girl have been confirmed by the Pix. As have rumors regarding the fact that Breet enjoys pickles with his cheeseburgers, bestiality and long walks on the beach. Ok, I made the last one up, but long walks on the beach are overrated.
The one thing the Pix will admit is that Breet looked good in purple. Why? Because the Vikings were wearing their throwback uniforms. The Pix has mentioned this before, but virtually every throwback uniform looks better than the current duds. Pun intended. Part of enjoying a football game in high definition is the aesthetics. And not to completely get my gay back, but the Pix has some thoughts on today's NFL uniforms. The Pix:
Viqueens -9 at Rams: The Vikings need to punt the swirly Nike designs they adopted a few years ago and to back to the unis they wore Monday night. The horned helmet design is a classic, but spike the purple pants on away games. They're gay. The Rams succumbed to the classic marketing strategy of the past decade by changing from yellow to gold after they won a Superbowl. Look at what has happened since. If it was good enough for Lawrence McCutchen, it should be good enough for you, Lambs.
Bengals +9 at Ravens: The first year the Bengals went to the striped helmet they went to the Superbowl. What seemed a little aggressive at the time are now pretty classic uniforms. Well played, Cinci. The Ravens? A forced look for a non descript team with no history playing in a city that becomes more and more minor league every year. Purple and black is not a color scheme. It's an accident between a pacer and a gremlin.
Redskins +4 at Panthers: The only thing left for the once proud Washington franchise is their great uniforms. Maybe the best helmet in the NFL. Personally, the Pix prefers the old Billy Kilmer uniforms from the 1972 Superbowl team over the Joe Theisman era two strip symmetrical sartor, but that's picking nits. However, if the Supreme Court makes them change their names and logos to something gay like the Lorax or Sneetches, the Pix reserves the right to revoke their high grade. The Panthers are boring and barely belong in the NFL. Every (almost) week the Pix wastes valuable second of his life writing useless words about the Panthers. Let's pretend they don't exist.
Steelers -11 over Lions. Two of the sweetest unis in the league. Although the Lions added that worthless black stripe to the proceedings a few years back in an effort to climb from 32 to 31 in merchandise sales. Memo to Lions: shitcan the black stripe. Steelers unis? Delicious!(was that too gay?)
*******Special Pix Public Service Announcement*******
People, people, people......the word "hysterical" doesn't mean what you think it means. You mean hilarious, not hysterical. Hysterical refers (according to Webster's) to a psychoneurosis marked by emotional excitability, or behavior exhibiting overwhelming fear. The Greeks thought the condition was particular to women and originated in the Uterus (Breet gets hysterical from time to time). It doesn't mean funny. Repeat, it doesn't mean funny. Thank you, please drive through.
Cowboys -8 over Chiefs: Nothing to see here. Just two solid traditional NFL uniforms that should never be tampered with. Maybe the Supreme Court will make the Chiefs remove the arrowhead shape from their helmets and replace it with a stalk of wheat or a hexagon. Has the Pix mentioned that the Supreme Court is gay?
Giants minus infinity against the Raiders: Kudos to the Giants for switching back to their uniforms from the 50's a few years back. Huge improvement over their 1980's quasi streamlined blocky cocaine laced uniforms. And where would the Raiders be without their classic silver and black with the coolest helmet logo in the NFL. What's that? They'd still be 1-3 with a real shot at 1-15? True that. Moving on....
Bucs +15 at Eagles: The Bucs' uniforms are a good example of no good intentions going unpunished. These unis suck. They remind me of a pancake house menu. The orange and white beauties from 1976 should never have been changed. The Pix has spoken, end of story. The Eagles efforts are solid, but the wing looks a little weird on the helmet. Best Eagle unis? Think Randall Cunningham, Keith Jackson and Reggie White's team under Buddy Ryan. The 2009 version makes me think Donovan Mcboring. Which makes me yawn. The Pix is getting sleepy.
Bills -6 over Browns: A few years back the Pix wrote about the conversation that somehow must have taken place decades ago in Cleveland........"Hey fellas, we need a color to go with Brown for our new football team named after me, the Browns?"...."How about Orange?"....And , well, the rest is history. As far as the Bills are concerned? (And no lie, this team is named after their first owner as well, Bill someone. As the Pix has said before, it's a good thing his first name wasn't Richard) Only a franchise as lame as the Bills could go with a uniform that screams fashion disaster over their classic throw backs. Incredible. And the red helmets? An abortion. Here's a list of people who should wear red helmets: Firemen. That's it, that's the list.
Niners -2 over Falcons: Let' just say the Falcon's color scheme matches their city and leave it at that, shall we? The 49'ers uniforms are, in the opinion of the Pix, the best in the NFL right now. But here's the thing.....Mike Singeltary wears a GIANT wooden cross (the cross of St. Andrew) around his neck on the outside of his clothes. The Pix is all for freedom of religion, but what if, for example, Marv Levy had worn a hubcap sized star of David around his neck? Think anyone would notice? What if Kareem Abdul Jabaar strolled the sidelines in a Niqab (He was a chick)? It's just a little out there is all the Pix is saying. We get it, Mike. You are a Christian. Congrats.
Colts -3 at Titans. Colts good unis. Titans lame and pathetic. Moving on.
Jets -2 at Dolphins: Jets were wise to go back to the Namath unis and shit can those Kermit outfits that stalwarts like Richard Todd Joe Klecko wore. Those things were as boring as Penn St.'s. The 1972 Dolphin unis were the best in the history of the league. Ever since they added a weird navy blue accent they have lost their identity. Half the time when I turn on a Dolphins game it take me a second to make sure it's not the Jaguars. That didn't used to be the case. Most know that the Pix was a huge Dolphin fan growing up. It took Don Shula losing his 187,408th lead using the prevent defense to finally turn the Pix into a Pats fan. What's that? You don't care? Alrighty then....
Pats -infinity at Donkeys. Two of the worst uniform violations committed in the history of the NFL. First, the Donkeys. Orange was their signature color! You always knew the Donkeys from 1. the hideous orange jerseys, 2. the hideous light/royal/weird shade of blue helmets with a logo too big for it's size and 3. from 1959 through 1999 they didn't play away games. And Donkey Elway's teeth. Holy gums, batman. Hey John. Mr. Ed called and said he wants his mandible and maxilla back. Now their uniforms make me think of Donkey Shannon Sharpe, speaking of huge pie holes. The Pix misses Shannon. Shannon is the only person alive that speaks worse than mumbles Menino. Those two should star on a game show called "what the **&^*%^ did he just say?" And the Patriots? C'mon. Admit it, the Flying Elvis is gay. Fortunately for the Kraft family, the Pix is here to help. Bring back Pat the Patriot logo, keep silver and blue as the color scheme with red piping and bring back the old style of straight lined uni with shoulder stripes. There, it's done.
Unfortunately for the teams with bye weeks this week, they won't have their uniforms broken down by the Pix, a tragedy for them to be sure. As a consolation prize, the Pix will rate the top uniforms of the other major sports....
Best Hockey uniforms:
1. Blackhawks
2. Red Wings
3. Maple Leafs
4. Canadiens
5. Bruins
Hoops:
1. Celtics
2. Bulls
3. Rockets
4. That's it, the rest are horrible
Baseball:
1. Cardinals
2. Red Sox
3. Dodgers
4. Cubs
5. Phillies
College football:
1. Notre Dame
2. Ohio St.
3. UCLA
4. Texas
5. Nebraska
College Hoops:
1. North Carolina
2. Davidson
3. Maryland
4. Louisville
5. UCLA
Please don't overwhelm the comments section as much as you have in weeks past. The Pix can't digest more than 1 reader comment per week. Last Pix public service announcement....if you haven't discovered comcast channel 287 yet, go there Sunday. yes, readers of the Pix, there is a Santa Claus.
Pix out......
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I REALLY dream of Jeannie
Normally the Pix restricts his television viewing to ESPN, the Food network and the History channel. The Pix loves sports, food and watching Hitler go down. Not neccesarily in that order. The Pix also loves HBO and mostly all of the series they have created over the past decade. The Sopranos, Deadwood, Rome, Curb your Enthusiasm, Trueblood and several others (especially Dexter on Showtime). Occasionally, the Pix will peruse some of the "late night" programming by accident. The phenomena that is free and readily available adult programming is really quite something when you consider. The Pix' generation may have missed out on the "free love" hippy and drug fun of the 60's and 70's and the "everyone make sex tape and post it on the internet" thing of this past decade. The Pix' generation was even hazed by the advent of AIDS and, pardon the pun, the explosion in mandatory condom usage. What we can't complain about, however, is the proliferation of free and diverse smut. The Pix won't even go into the role of the internets. What strikes the Pix the most from the standpoint of comedy and late night viewing is the wonderful titles given to the movies that appear on the "on demand" menu. What strikes the Pix as considerably less hilarious is the fact that Comcast shows the actual titles on the bill (according to acquaintences of the Pix). The following are a sample of some of these comical and occasionally unfortunate titles:
A Clear and Present Stranger
Titty Clitty Gang Bang
Saving Ryan's Privates
Bumfight at the Ogay Corrall
Diddler on the Roof
Ed's Wood
Field of Wet Dreams
For your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
I Know Who you Did Last Summer (not to be confused with I Know Who You Did in the Bummer)
Inspect Her Gadget
Jurassic Poke
Lawrence of a Labia
Man on the Poon
My Big Fat Greek Woody
On Golden Blonde
Riding in Cars on Boys
Romancing the Bone
Schindler's Fist.........(that's wrong)
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Sorest Rump
Sperms of Endearment
Tango and Snatch
The Empire Likes Crack
The Loin King
The Wadfather
White Men Can't Hump
Will He Bonk Ya in the Chocolate Factory
Humped back at Notre Dame
My Bare Lady
Ass Ventura
Mchale's Gravy
Sleeping Booty
The Rawshank Infection
What about Boob
And in the spirit of the post from three weeks ago, "You've Got Male"
Which brings the PIx to the title of this post. Of all the spoofs done in the adult film industry, how in THE HELL could they not make one about "I Dream of Jeannie". Starring Larry Hagman and the intergallactally hot Barbara Eden, the premise of the show is that a single dude in his thirties somehow wins the services of a young, hot, magical she beast. Did I mention that she is for all intents and purposes his slave? And oh, by the way, she has to bolt to her bottle if he commands her to. (By the way, remember the bottle? Go Google it. Talk about a "stabbin cabin") In other words, she'll do anything in the world he asks.....cook, clean, make home made beer, get naked etc...and then she has to dissappear the moment he gets annoyed because she gets a little chatty. Um, HELLO porn industry? Think there's enough material here that would be better than, say, "Maude?" And, really, silicone valley, no "Mary Tyler Whore?" C'mon, she was a single bird in the sexual prime of her life, worked in an all male newsroom, and socialized with those two sluts Phyllis (the first cougar) and Rhoda. Which brings us to our next list, titles of real movies or tv shows that could have been porn names:
Toy Story
Backdraft
Anywhere But Here
The Bone Collector
Gone in 60 Seconds
Any Which Way You Can
Howard's End
The Black Stallion
Three Men and a Little Lady
Shaft
Driven
Three's Company
Laverne and Shirley
The Waltons (you people are sick)
Ok, back to some "real" movie names:
Womb Raider
Batman in Robin
Throbbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)
Star Whores
Spankenstein
Swallow Hal
Fifty first Rapes (Drew Barrymore was really good in this)
Bang Hur
Blast From the Pants
Bone of Arc
Breast Side Story
Caddy Shag
Cockodile Dundee
Das Bootie
Dawson's Crack
ET...the Extra Testicle
Erin Yankyourdick
Eyes Wide Slut
Face Jam
Fast and Curious
Fill Bill
Fisting Nemo
Fist Full of Hollers
Gays of Thunder
Gleaming the Pube
Gods and Genitals
Hairy Porker and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin
Harry Pooper and the Sorcerers Bone
How to Bruise a Guy in Ten Ways
Lord of the G Strings: Dildo Saggins, the Throbbit
Lust in Space
Monty's Python and the Horny Gail
Poonstruck
Poke-a-hot-Ass
Position Imposssible
Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's Sister
Scooby Do Me
Sheepless in Seattle
Tea Bagger Vance
The Bare Bitch Project
The Brady Munch
The Count of Monte Crisco
The Legend in Bagger's Pants
The Princesses Ride
Tits a Wonderful Life
Tupac: The Erection
Titty Slickers
Turner and Hootchie
Wangs of New York
Where the Boys Aren't
While You Were Sleeping With Me
When Harry Wet Sally
What does this all have to do with football, you ask? Nothing. The Pix:
Last week, 9-6-1. Season total 19-11-1.
Tennessee +4 over Jets. The Pix is getting a little annoyed with the yapping Jets and their fat gas bag coach. A 3-0 start would have Peter King break out the knee pads for dirty Sanchez. Here's hoping the Titans can prevent that.
Packers -6 over Rams.
Lions +7 over Redskins.
Chiefs +8 over Eagles. The Chiefs are 0-2 against the spread this year. Me thinks the association whith the Patriots (Scott Pioli, Vrabel, Cassell) has Vegas overrating them. This week will be the last chance for the Chiefs to proove they deserve it.
Patriots -4 over Falcons. Let's face it, in his last three football games in the NFL, Brady has been the worst player on the team. He was missing guys last week like his name was Jamarcus. The Giants scheme from the game that shall not be mentioned is doing to the Pats what our scheme from the '01 Superbowl did to the Rams. It showed the rest of the league how to beat them. The Pats are officially on Pix' probation if they lose this week.
Houston -3 over Jacksonville. Have the Jags relocated yet?
Niners +7 over Viqueens. Here's the good news: the Niners defense gets after the quarterback. Breet took some hits last week from the Lions and the Pix is hoping this is the Week Breet winds up on his back more often than Jenna Jamison.
Ravens -13 over Browns. Do you know how hard it is to lay 13 points in the NFL? This is basically saying that the Browns are not a pro team. The Mangini watch begins in roughly two more weeks.
Giants -6.5 over Bucs.
Saints -6 over Bills. Drew Brees is KILLING it in Fantasy.
Bears -2 over Seahawks. Lock of the year.
Pitt -4 over Cincy. Lock of the century.
Miami +6 over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better not get his ass in the end zone this week. The Pix is starting Lendale White and Larry Johnson over him in fantasy football. Let's just say the Pix needs a win this week or he might get dropped from the league due to a possible mercy ruling.
Broncos -1 over Raiders.
Colts +3 over Cardinals. Really? That's the line? Lock of the millenium.
Cowboys -8 over Panthers.
That is all for the Pix this week. For those keeping score at home, last week's answer re the fake story was the last one. Since NO ONE replied in the comments section despite something like 300 (and over 100 new) readers last week, the Pix will attempt to engage the reading public again. Please share a movie title that the Pix missed above. All valid answers will recieve I unit of liquid intoxicant and a public shout out from the Pix.
Enjoy the weekend and watch that cable bill.......Pix out.
A Clear and Present Stranger
Titty Clitty Gang Bang
Saving Ryan's Privates
Bumfight at the Ogay Corrall
Diddler on the Roof
Ed's Wood
Field of Wet Dreams
For your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
I Know Who you Did Last Summer (not to be confused with I Know Who You Did in the Bummer)
Inspect Her Gadget
Jurassic Poke
Lawrence of a Labia
Man on the Poon
My Big Fat Greek Woody
On Golden Blonde
Riding in Cars on Boys
Romancing the Bone
Schindler's Fist.........(that's wrong)
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Sorest Rump
Sperms of Endearment
Tango and Snatch
The Empire Likes Crack
The Loin King
The Wadfather
White Men Can't Hump
Will He Bonk Ya in the Chocolate Factory
Humped back at Notre Dame
My Bare Lady
Ass Ventura
Mchale's Gravy
Sleeping Booty
The Rawshank Infection
What about Boob
And in the spirit of the post from three weeks ago, "You've Got Male"
Which brings the PIx to the title of this post. Of all the spoofs done in the adult film industry, how in THE HELL could they not make one about "I Dream of Jeannie". Starring Larry Hagman and the intergallactally hot Barbara Eden, the premise of the show is that a single dude in his thirties somehow wins the services of a young, hot, magical she beast. Did I mention that she is for all intents and purposes his slave? And oh, by the way, she has to bolt to her bottle if he commands her to. (By the way, remember the bottle? Go Google it. Talk about a "stabbin cabin") In other words, she'll do anything in the world he asks.....cook, clean, make home made beer, get naked etc...and then she has to dissappear the moment he gets annoyed because she gets a little chatty. Um, HELLO porn industry? Think there's enough material here that would be better than, say, "Maude?" And, really, silicone valley, no "Mary Tyler Whore?" C'mon, she was a single bird in the sexual prime of her life, worked in an all male newsroom, and socialized with those two sluts Phyllis (the first cougar) and Rhoda. Which brings us to our next list, titles of real movies or tv shows that could have been porn names:
Toy Story
Backdraft
Anywhere But Here
The Bone Collector
Gone in 60 Seconds
Any Which Way You Can
Howard's End
The Black Stallion
Three Men and a Little Lady
Shaft
Driven
Three's Company
Laverne and Shirley
The Waltons (you people are sick)
Ok, back to some "real" movie names:
Womb Raider
Batman in Robin
Throbbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)
Star Whores
Spankenstein
Swallow Hal
Fifty first Rapes (Drew Barrymore was really good in this)
Bang Hur
Blast From the Pants
Bone of Arc
Breast Side Story
Caddy Shag
Cockodile Dundee
Das Bootie
Dawson's Crack
ET...the Extra Testicle
Erin Yankyourdick
Eyes Wide Slut
Face Jam
Fast and Curious
Fill Bill
Fisting Nemo
Fist Full of Hollers
Gays of Thunder
Gleaming the Pube
Gods and Genitals
Hairy Porker and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin
Harry Pooper and the Sorcerers Bone
How to Bruise a Guy in Ten Ways
Lord of the G Strings: Dildo Saggins, the Throbbit
Lust in Space
Monty's Python and the Horny Gail
Poonstruck
Poke-a-hot-Ass
Position Imposssible
Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's Sister
Scooby Do Me
Sheepless in Seattle
Tea Bagger Vance
The Bare Bitch Project
The Brady Munch
The Count of Monte Crisco
The Legend in Bagger's Pants
The Princesses Ride
Tits a Wonderful Life
Tupac: The Erection
Titty Slickers
Turner and Hootchie
Wangs of New York
Where the Boys Aren't
While You Were Sleeping With Me
When Harry Wet Sally
What does this all have to do with football, you ask? Nothing. The Pix:
Last week, 9-6-1. Season total 19-11-1.
Tennessee +4 over Jets. The Pix is getting a little annoyed with the yapping Jets and their fat gas bag coach. A 3-0 start would have Peter King break out the knee pads for dirty Sanchez. Here's hoping the Titans can prevent that.
Packers -6 over Rams.
Lions +7 over Redskins.
Chiefs +8 over Eagles. The Chiefs are 0-2 against the spread this year. Me thinks the association whith the Patriots (Scott Pioli, Vrabel, Cassell) has Vegas overrating them. This week will be the last chance for the Chiefs to proove they deserve it.
Patriots -4 over Falcons. Let's face it, in his last three football games in the NFL, Brady has been the worst player on the team. He was missing guys last week like his name was Jamarcus. The Giants scheme from the game that shall not be mentioned is doing to the Pats what our scheme from the '01 Superbowl did to the Rams. It showed the rest of the league how to beat them. The Pats are officially on Pix' probation if they lose this week.
Houston -3 over Jacksonville. Have the Jags relocated yet?
Niners +7 over Viqueens. Here's the good news: the Niners defense gets after the quarterback. Breet took some hits last week from the Lions and the Pix is hoping this is the Week Breet winds up on his back more often than Jenna Jamison.
Ravens -13 over Browns. Do you know how hard it is to lay 13 points in the NFL? This is basically saying that the Browns are not a pro team. The Mangini watch begins in roughly two more weeks.
Giants -6.5 over Bucs.
Saints -6 over Bills. Drew Brees is KILLING it in Fantasy.
Bears -2 over Seahawks. Lock of the year.
Pitt -4 over Cincy. Lock of the century.
Miami +6 over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better not get his ass in the end zone this week. The Pix is starting Lendale White and Larry Johnson over him in fantasy football. Let's just say the Pix needs a win this week or he might get dropped from the league due to a possible mercy ruling.
Broncos -1 over Raiders.
Colts +3 over Cardinals. Really? That's the line? Lock of the millenium.
Cowboys -8 over Panthers.
That is all for the Pix this week. For those keeping score at home, last week's answer re the fake story was the last one. Since NO ONE replied in the comments section despite something like 300 (and over 100 new) readers last week, the Pix will attempt to engage the reading public again. Please share a movie title that the Pix missed above. All valid answers will recieve I unit of liquid intoxicant and a public shout out from the Pix.
Enjoy the weekend and watch that cable bill.......Pix out.
Friday, September 18, 2009
The AWAY game
One might assume that, this being primarily a football blog, away game would refer to a football team going on the road. However, as the Pix ages, things like a simple bowel movement take on much more significance. Gone are the days of ghost shits (perfect logs that disappear without the need for even a single sheet) and time on the bowl without a 2 year old walking in and asking whatever it is that a two year old asks. These days, laying cable, stocking the pond with brown trout, dropping the Jacksons off at the pool...can occasionally become an adventure. This is in no small part because the internal "warning system" we are all born with begins to break down as one ages. When the Pix was a younger man, there would usually be a simple warning with a thirty minute window left to operate. Invariably, this would leave enough time on the clock to get home, find the office hopper with the friendliest confines, or seek out some reasonable place to take care of business. No problem. The "warning system", however, along with a general decline in diet, began to fail some years back and, unfortunately for the Pix (and the Wal Mart on the Lynnway) has on rare occasions failed to work altogether. When the short to no warning sign comes, one must find an immediate venue for a suitable "away" game. A Port-o-John, the ocean, a restaurant or gas station, the airport, the ladies room (i.e the secret mission in enemy territory), all of these places have and must be used in emergencies. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. In the spirit of growing older and away games becoming more and more dicey, the Pix will choose all road teams this week.......and share some stories. All stories are true and happened to people who are known readers of the Pix. The identities will be kept secret until you see the Pix and bribe him with a can of deliciousness.....then I'll tell you. The Pix: Last week 10-5, for entertainment purposes only. And, um, gambling.
Houston at Titans -6. The first story comes from Mr. Vegas. Mr. Vegas is lactose intolerant and could be the subject of this entire blog post. One time on the way to Old Town from Boston, Mr. Vegas had a situation that as he describes it, "called for immediate attention". MV's warning system may be one of the faultiest on the planet and went off somewhere in the Callahan tunnel. The combination of bad traffic, car fumes and stomach cramps that would make a woman in labor relate forced MV to rush into the 99 restaurant in Revere and sprint to the men's room for relief. To his horror, the single stall was occupado. The following conversation ensued:
MV: "Um, buddy, how much longer are you going to be"
Random shitter: "Um, I just started"
MV: "Seriously, dude, I need to go now".
RS: "I'm going to be 'a while'".
Never in the history of man have the two words, "a while", had such dire consequences. In retrospect, Mr. Vegas had no choice but to go to enemy territory for the secret mission, but this he did not do. Yes, getting busted in the ladies room buffaloing the bowl may seem suboptimal, but MV's choice to roll the dice ended badly. Driving 70 miles an hour through three towns and getting safely to his front door wasn't enough. We all know that feeling you get when you think you've "made it". Mr. Vegas gambled. And lost. While putting his key in the front door.
Saints at Eagles -1. This heart warming tale comes from Colby college. It seems there was a mythical beast who went by the moniker "YUG" who was notorious for beating on freshmen football players and fraternity pledges. He was a giant boy with an evil temper and a penchant for keg beer and Chinese food. One particularly unfortunate evening, "YUG got his drink and eat on in a Herculean way. As the story goes, "YUG" got a late warning call and tried to reach the dorm facility in time. Alas, it was too late. Being the gentle soul that he was, he demanded two freshmen pledges assist him off the hopper he was stuck on and to dispose of his badly soiled undergarments. These quick thinking gentlemen threw YUG's bvd's out a third story dorm bathroom window onto the quad, landing in a much traveled walkway leading to the campus' main classroom facility. Unfortunately for YUG, his mother must have worried about her little boy losing his drawers, because she sewed his name into the back of them. Unsurprisingly, YUG got himself a new nickname that fine day.
Bengals +9 at Packers. As most readers know, The Pix went to Green Bay last year to witness football Mecca firsthand. What the readers don't know, is that the Pix had a "code brown" in the Fleet Farm (think walmart for hunters) that rivaled the Cuban missile crisis. After a steady 48 hour diet of bacon, eggs, beer, steak, french fries etc...the Pix was trying desperately to move some product at the hunting lodge before the troops headed out for the day. No dice. Fully aware of the dangerous situation, the Pix was on the lookout for any public facility that could be employed in an emergency. While wandering the isles of Fleet Farm, the call came. Code brown. Def con 5. No warning. 30 seconds at most until a nuclear event. The Pix grabbed the nearest employee (a 105 lb, 17 year old girl) and pleaded for information regarding an employee rest room. Shocked and alarmed at the look on the Pix' face, the following conversation ensued:
girl: "I,I,I,I,I'm ssssssorry sir, but, but, but there's a men's room at isle 12".
Pix: "WHERE IN THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY IS ISLE 12??!?!??!?!"
The Pix began to sprint, knocking over old people, carriages, workers and a rack of hunter orange Packer jerseys. In what only could be described as perhaps the biggest break in the life of the Pix, the men's room was clean and completely empty. After literally replaying the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" (the one where Lloyd puts turbo-lax in his buddies drink), the Pix emerged a new man. To this day, for many reasons, the greatest away game in the life of the Pix.
Oakland at KC -3.
Arizona at Jax -3
Minn -9 at Detroit.
Carolina at ATL -6. Another classic from the class of '89 at Colby College. There once was a man named "filthy Jerg". Strangely, the nickname actually pre-dates this story. It goes something like this....some dude gets engaged and the Jerg and his boys are invited to the couples' house for a boys weekend. The fiancee is out of town and has left instructions for the house to remain immaculate while she is away. You can probably tell where this is going. The animals play beer dye on her aunt's antique dining room table (probably the only item of any worth in the house) and the Jerg proceeds to drink himself into a stupor. He wakes up in the middle of the night on the bathroom floor not knowing where he is, but aware that he has puked and shat himself. He disrobes, but the stench of his own vile liquids overwhelm him and he proceeds to repeat heaving and crapping. In a twisted moment of Jerg logic, he decides he'll try to clean up this crime scene using the bath towels and bath mat. Extrapolating Jerg logic, he then decides he can't just put this stuff in the trash, so he grabs a shovel from the garage and buries his refuse in the middle of the back yard. The following conversation ensues:
Friend: "Jerg, why are you holding that shovel?"
Jerg: "Um, no reason."
Friend: "Dude, did you just bury our towels and bathmat in the back yard?"
Jerg: "Um, no."
Rams at Redskins -9. Sorry to get off topic, but the sound of Paula Deen's voice makes me want to kill someone. And that someone, is Paula Deen.
Tampa Bay at Buffalo -6. Go and google "George Brett shits himself". Just do it. Don't ever say the Pix never gave you anything.
Seattle at 49ers -1. Welcome back.
Baltimore at Chargers -3.
Browns at Denver -3.
Steelers at Bears +3.
Colts at Miami +3
Giants at Cowboys -3. It's 1994. A good friend of the Pix, let's call him Dirty, is one of the groomsmen at wedding somewhere in the South. There is a bridesmaid there who is way out of his league in the looks department, but when Dirty is on his game, he's been known to pull off some major upsets. It's evident right from the start of the weekend that Dirty has his A+ game going. All the jokes are landing, he's managing his buzz perfectly and he's now headed into the wedding reception at 2-1 odds to hook up with the hottest chick in the building. There's just one problem. He's neglected to manage his "away game" effectively. He's been partying for three days and has yet to successfully duke. He lets this slip his mind as he goes in for close at the end of the night. Somehow he manages to arrive at his room with the young lass when he gets the warning. Rumble, rumble. No time. Must go. While his girl waits for him, he proceeds to violate the bathroom in a manner against most international laws and certainly all moral ones. He thinks about the courtesy flush, but decides against it as it may serve as a warning to something going awry in the Sowetan ghetto he has just created. He breaks out into a full lather as he considers his options. As he leaves the crime scene, the girl arises from the bed and announces she wants to brush her teeth. The following conversation ensues:
Dirty: "You CAN'T go in there!" (a little too loudly)
Hottie: "what?"
Dirty: "Um, he, he, I, a, just, I'd just give it a little time, OK?"
Hottie: "Don't worry, I have three brothers. It can't be that bad".
Dirty: "No, Really, I'm warning you."
Hottie turns the corner and steps one foot inside bathroom. Dirty can't watch.
Hottie: "OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE? THAT'S H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH MY GOD! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TURN THE FAN ON!"
Dirty: "I really don't think it would have mattered."
You get the picture. Amazingly, she stayed, but they both passed out while waiting for the air to clear. She was gone when he woke up.
Which brings us to....
Patriots 31, Jets 17. The Guru prepares for away games better than any coach in the NFL. He has beaten the Jets 7 consecutive times in the Meadow lands. Gas bag and Dirty Sanchez will get flushed this Sunday and the miserable stench that is 60,000 Jet fans will never clear.
By the way, one of these stories was completely fabricated. Go to comments section. Correct answers will recieve a can of deliciousness and/or a kick to the scrotalia.
Enjoy the weekend. Pix out.
Houston at Titans -6. The first story comes from Mr. Vegas. Mr. Vegas is lactose intolerant and could be the subject of this entire blog post. One time on the way to Old Town from Boston, Mr. Vegas had a situation that as he describes it, "called for immediate attention". MV's warning system may be one of the faultiest on the planet and went off somewhere in the Callahan tunnel. The combination of bad traffic, car fumes and stomach cramps that would make a woman in labor relate forced MV to rush into the 99 restaurant in Revere and sprint to the men's room for relief. To his horror, the single stall was occupado. The following conversation ensued:
MV: "Um, buddy, how much longer are you going to be"
Random shitter: "Um, I just started"
MV: "Seriously, dude, I need to go now".
RS: "I'm going to be 'a while'".
Never in the history of man have the two words, "a while", had such dire consequences. In retrospect, Mr. Vegas had no choice but to go to enemy territory for the secret mission, but this he did not do. Yes, getting busted in the ladies room buffaloing the bowl may seem suboptimal, but MV's choice to roll the dice ended badly. Driving 70 miles an hour through three towns and getting safely to his front door wasn't enough. We all know that feeling you get when you think you've "made it". Mr. Vegas gambled. And lost. While putting his key in the front door.
Saints at Eagles -1. This heart warming tale comes from Colby college. It seems there was a mythical beast who went by the moniker "YUG" who was notorious for beating on freshmen football players and fraternity pledges. He was a giant boy with an evil temper and a penchant for keg beer and Chinese food. One particularly unfortunate evening, "YUG got his drink and eat on in a Herculean way. As the story goes, "YUG" got a late warning call and tried to reach the dorm facility in time. Alas, it was too late. Being the gentle soul that he was, he demanded two freshmen pledges assist him off the hopper he was stuck on and to dispose of his badly soiled undergarments. These quick thinking gentlemen threw YUG's bvd's out a third story dorm bathroom window onto the quad, landing in a much traveled walkway leading to the campus' main classroom facility. Unfortunately for YUG, his mother must have worried about her little boy losing his drawers, because she sewed his name into the back of them. Unsurprisingly, YUG got himself a new nickname that fine day.
Bengals +9 at Packers. As most readers know, The Pix went to Green Bay last year to witness football Mecca firsthand. What the readers don't know, is that the Pix had a "code brown" in the Fleet Farm (think walmart for hunters) that rivaled the Cuban missile crisis. After a steady 48 hour diet of bacon, eggs, beer, steak, french fries etc...the Pix was trying desperately to move some product at the hunting lodge before the troops headed out for the day. No dice. Fully aware of the dangerous situation, the Pix was on the lookout for any public facility that could be employed in an emergency. While wandering the isles of Fleet Farm, the call came. Code brown. Def con 5. No warning. 30 seconds at most until a nuclear event. The Pix grabbed the nearest employee (a 105 lb, 17 year old girl) and pleaded for information regarding an employee rest room. Shocked and alarmed at the look on the Pix' face, the following conversation ensued:
girl: "I,I,I,I,I'm ssssssorry sir, but, but, but there's a men's room at isle 12".
Pix: "WHERE IN THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY IS ISLE 12??!?!??!?!"
The Pix began to sprint, knocking over old people, carriages, workers and a rack of hunter orange Packer jerseys. In what only could be described as perhaps the biggest break in the life of the Pix, the men's room was clean and completely empty. After literally replaying the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" (the one where Lloyd puts turbo-lax in his buddies drink), the Pix emerged a new man. To this day, for many reasons, the greatest away game in the life of the Pix.
Oakland at KC -3.
Arizona at Jax -3
Minn -9 at Detroit.
Carolina at ATL -6. Another classic from the class of '89 at Colby College. There once was a man named "filthy Jerg". Strangely, the nickname actually pre-dates this story. It goes something like this....some dude gets engaged and the Jerg and his boys are invited to the couples' house for a boys weekend. The fiancee is out of town and has left instructions for the house to remain immaculate while she is away. You can probably tell where this is going. The animals play beer dye on her aunt's antique dining room table (probably the only item of any worth in the house) and the Jerg proceeds to drink himself into a stupor. He wakes up in the middle of the night on the bathroom floor not knowing where he is, but aware that he has puked and shat himself. He disrobes, but the stench of his own vile liquids overwhelm him and he proceeds to repeat heaving and crapping. In a twisted moment of Jerg logic, he decides he'll try to clean up this crime scene using the bath towels and bath mat. Extrapolating Jerg logic, he then decides he can't just put this stuff in the trash, so he grabs a shovel from the garage and buries his refuse in the middle of the back yard. The following conversation ensues:
Friend: "Jerg, why are you holding that shovel?"
Jerg: "Um, no reason."
Friend: "Dude, did you just bury our towels and bathmat in the back yard?"
Jerg: "Um, no."
Rams at Redskins -9. Sorry to get off topic, but the sound of Paula Deen's voice makes me want to kill someone. And that someone, is Paula Deen.
Tampa Bay at Buffalo -6. Go and google "George Brett shits himself". Just do it. Don't ever say the Pix never gave you anything.
Seattle at 49ers -1. Welcome back.
Baltimore at Chargers -3.
Browns at Denver -3.
Steelers at Bears +3.
Colts at Miami +3
Giants at Cowboys -3. It's 1994. A good friend of the Pix, let's call him Dirty, is one of the groomsmen at wedding somewhere in the South. There is a bridesmaid there who is way out of his league in the looks department, but when Dirty is on his game, he's been known to pull off some major upsets. It's evident right from the start of the weekend that Dirty has his A+ game going. All the jokes are landing, he's managing his buzz perfectly and he's now headed into the wedding reception at 2-1 odds to hook up with the hottest chick in the building. There's just one problem. He's neglected to manage his "away game" effectively. He's been partying for three days and has yet to successfully duke. He lets this slip his mind as he goes in for close at the end of the night. Somehow he manages to arrive at his room with the young lass when he gets the warning. Rumble, rumble. No time. Must go. While his girl waits for him, he proceeds to violate the bathroom in a manner against most international laws and certainly all moral ones. He thinks about the courtesy flush, but decides against it as it may serve as a warning to something going awry in the Sowetan ghetto he has just created. He breaks out into a full lather as he considers his options. As he leaves the crime scene, the girl arises from the bed and announces she wants to brush her teeth. The following conversation ensues:
Dirty: "You CAN'T go in there!" (a little too loudly)
Hottie: "what?"
Dirty: "Um, he, he, I, a, just, I'd just give it a little time, OK?"
Hottie: "Don't worry, I have three brothers. It can't be that bad".
Dirty: "No, Really, I'm warning you."
Hottie turns the corner and steps one foot inside bathroom. Dirty can't watch.
Hottie: "OH MY GOD. WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE? THAT'S H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? OH MY GOD! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TURN THE FAN ON!"
Dirty: "I really don't think it would have mattered."
You get the picture. Amazingly, she stayed, but they both passed out while waiting for the air to clear. She was gone when he woke up.
Which brings us to....
Patriots 31, Jets 17. The Guru prepares for away games better than any coach in the NFL. He has beaten the Jets 7 consecutive times in the Meadow lands. Gas bag and Dirty Sanchez will get flushed this Sunday and the miserable stench that is 60,000 Jet fans will never clear.
By the way, one of these stories was completely fabricated. Go to comments section. Correct answers will recieve a can of deliciousness and/or a kick to the scrotalia.
Enjoy the weekend. Pix out.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Week 1
Some weeks there is time to write the Pix. Some weeks there isn't. This week was the latter. The Pix
Dallas -4 over TB
Saints -13 over Detroit
Miami +4 over Atlanta
Houston -4 over Jets
Denver +5 over Cinci
Philly -2 over Carolina
Indy -7 over Jags
Minn -3 over Cleveland
KC +10 over Baltimore
Giants -6 over Washington
Seattle -7 over Rams
SF +7 over Arizona
GB -3 over Chicago
Bills +11 over NE
SD -9 over Raiders
Dallas -4 over TB
Saints -13 over Detroit
Miami +4 over Atlanta
Houston -4 over Jets
Denver +5 over Cinci
Philly -2 over Carolina
Indy -7 over Jags
Minn -3 over Cleveland
KC +10 over Baltimore
Giants -6 over Washington
Seattle -7 over Rams
SF +7 over Arizona
GB -3 over Chicago
Bills +11 over NE
SD -9 over Raiders
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Pix wants his "gay" back
For a very long time now, it's been generally accepted that the word police could confiscate vernacular from the good english speaking citizens of America and that there was very little we could do about it. "Retarded" became "slow' and then "intellectually challenged". The "Chairman" became the "Chairperson". In general, any descriptive reference to race, gender, religion, size (there are no midgets, just height challenged folks) or any other category used to describe, well, anyone, became taboo. In some instances, the Pix understands that a euphemism is preferable to the more raw descriptive language. The Pix is particularly understanding when it comes to words used to describe the homosexual community. Let the record show that the Pix is pro gay marriage and pro any other manner of civil rights that same sex couples and homosexual individuals are constitutionally and morally entitled to. Devoted readers of the Pix will even recall that due to ancestry involving the Greek isle of Lesbos, the Pix is, in fact, part lesbian himself. It's just that, well, The Pix misses the word "gay". Upon careful consideration and much study, the Pix is hereby declaring the word "gay" free game again and beyond the jurisdiction of the word police. After all, no child learns the word in the context of homosexuality. We just hear that things are "gay" and although there is a mild pejorative connotation, it's just not that bad a word. And it's really funny. For example:
Last Wednesday the Pix had a gay sandwich. It was a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap with mint pesto. What made the sandwich "gay" was the obvious omission of seared animal flesh. Wouldn't a homosexual man think a "gay" sandwich should have extra meat? See? The Pix isn't here to offend anyone, just reclaim some good old fashion adjectives.
The very next day I was asked for my name and telephone number when I called the same sandwich shop and ordered a turkey club wrap. That's gay. You need my name and number? My name is turkey club wrap and my number is in about five minutes. Hang up the phone and make the Pix a sandwich.
Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond (or it could have been Jessie Helms from North Carolina. Some old redneck Senator....oops, sorry word police) is famous for saying "I don't know the definition of pornography is, but I know it when I see it". Well, the Pix isn't sure what makes something gay or not, but the Pix knows it when he sees it:
The Jets are gay.
The Tampa Bay Rays are gay.
Chuck Norris? Not gay.
Peeing sitting down.....gay. In shower, not so much.
Dark socks are gay.
Valentine's gay should be renamed gay day.
Texting is gay (stolen from "The Hangover")
France? Please.
Rocky and Apollo's beach hug??????? Pix going with not gay.
Venus gay, Serena not gay.
All new NFL uniforms since 1995.....gay. Including the flying Elvis.
Easter.....gay.
Boston Marathon.....the gayest.
Twitter.......gayest thing on earth. Ever.
The Pix could go on, but it's time to awkwardly segue to football. Let's just say that we are not done with random gayness here at the Pix. Pix' 2009/2010 preseason predictions:
NFC West:
Seahawks 10-6. Rebound year and a weak schedule
Cardinals 9-7. Pix predicted their rise last year, but Superbowl loser hangover is well documented.
49ers 7-9. Should have started Alex Smith.
Rams 5-11. Defense will be ok.
NFC Central:
Packers 11-5. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Vikings 10-6. Childress, aka Beeker from the muppets, can't coach. And is gay.
Bears 9-7. I worry about this one. They could be much better.
Lions 3-13. Pix' favorite NFC team. Too bad they stink.
NFC South:
Saints 10-6. Could be much better.
Falcons 9-7. Sophomore slump for Ryan, but Gonzalez a huge addition.
Panthers 8-8. Totally gay fan base. No alcohol allowed at tailgaiting.
Buccaneers 7-9. Just fired Jags, which is hilarious.
NFC East:
Giants 9-7. This division is a complete tossup.
Eagles 9-7. Should be entertaining in nothing else.
Cowboys 8-8. Yawn.
Redskins 8-8. All depends on QB. Defense is legit.
NFC Champs......Packers
AFC West:
Chargers 12-4. They are LOADED talent wise, but Norvil Turner is Norvil Turner.
Chiefs 8-8. Scrappier than most think.
Donkeys 6-10. McDaniels will be a great coach someday, but not this year.
Raiders 4-12. JeMarcus is French for lazy and not so smart.
AFC South:
Colts 11-5. Still the team that the Pix respects the most as a Pats rival.
Texans 10-6. D is legit. Shaub has to stay healthy. Lots of skill on O.
Titans 8-8. OVERRATED.
Jaguars 7-9. Will re-locate to LA in 2012.
AFC North:
Ravens 11-5. Could be VERY good.
Steelers 9-7. Luckiest team in history.
Cinmates 7-9. Don't tell anyone, but Pix actually likes Ocho Cinco. Could be a Patriot in the next few years. You heard it here first.
Browns 3-13. The Pix didn't forget about you, Mangina.
AFC East:
Patriots 15-1
Dolphins 9-7
Bills 8-8
Gay Jets 0-16
AFC Champs: Jets. No, wait. Patriots.
SB Champs: Patriots (does this even need to be said?)
There you have it. More details to come in Week 1 of the Pix. The gay preseason has been great, but starting in just a few weeks, the deliciousness will begin to flow in copious amounts at the official home of the Pix. Not for nothing, but Ben and Jerry's recently honored Vermont's legalizing gay marriage by renaming "Chubby Hubby" ice cream to "Hubby Hubby". The Pix would think that giving it no name whatsoever would say it all. Just call it "Ben and Jerry". Sometimes less is more, no?
See you all next week for the actual Pix, where another 65% season of picking against the spread is doubtful, but hopefully mildly amusing.
Pix out.
Last Wednesday the Pix had a gay sandwich. It was a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap with mint pesto. What made the sandwich "gay" was the obvious omission of seared animal flesh. Wouldn't a homosexual man think a "gay" sandwich should have extra meat? See? The Pix isn't here to offend anyone, just reclaim some good old fashion adjectives.
The very next day I was asked for my name and telephone number when I called the same sandwich shop and ordered a turkey club wrap. That's gay. You need my name and number? My name is turkey club wrap and my number is in about five minutes. Hang up the phone and make the Pix a sandwich.
Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond (or it could have been Jessie Helms from North Carolina. Some old redneck Senator....oops, sorry word police) is famous for saying "I don't know the definition of pornography is, but I know it when I see it". Well, the Pix isn't sure what makes something gay or not, but the Pix knows it when he sees it:
The Jets are gay.
The Tampa Bay Rays are gay.
Chuck Norris? Not gay.
Peeing sitting down.....gay. In shower, not so much.
Dark socks are gay.
Valentine's gay should be renamed gay day.
Texting is gay (stolen from "The Hangover")
France? Please.
Rocky and Apollo's beach hug??????? Pix going with not gay.
Venus gay, Serena not gay.
All new NFL uniforms since 1995.....gay. Including the flying Elvis.
Easter.....gay.
Boston Marathon.....the gayest.
Twitter.......gayest thing on earth. Ever.
The Pix could go on, but it's time to awkwardly segue to football. Let's just say that we are not done with random gayness here at the Pix. Pix' 2009/2010 preseason predictions:
NFC West:
Seahawks 10-6. Rebound year and a weak schedule
Cardinals 9-7. Pix predicted their rise last year, but Superbowl loser hangover is well documented.
49ers 7-9. Should have started Alex Smith.
Rams 5-11. Defense will be ok.
NFC Central:
Packers 11-5. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Vikings 10-6. Childress, aka Beeker from the muppets, can't coach. And is gay.
Bears 9-7. I worry about this one. They could be much better.
Lions 3-13. Pix' favorite NFC team. Too bad they stink.
NFC South:
Saints 10-6. Could be much better.
Falcons 9-7. Sophomore slump for Ryan, but Gonzalez a huge addition.
Panthers 8-8. Totally gay fan base. No alcohol allowed at tailgaiting.
Buccaneers 7-9. Just fired Jags, which is hilarious.
NFC East:
Giants 9-7. This division is a complete tossup.
Eagles 9-7. Should be entertaining in nothing else.
Cowboys 8-8. Yawn.
Redskins 8-8. All depends on QB. Defense is legit.
NFC Champs......Packers
AFC West:
Chargers 12-4. They are LOADED talent wise, but Norvil Turner is Norvil Turner.
Chiefs 8-8. Scrappier than most think.
Donkeys 6-10. McDaniels will be a great coach someday, but not this year.
Raiders 4-12. JeMarcus is French for lazy and not so smart.
AFC South:
Colts 11-5. Still the team that the Pix respects the most as a Pats rival.
Texans 10-6. D is legit. Shaub has to stay healthy. Lots of skill on O.
Titans 8-8. OVERRATED.
Jaguars 7-9. Will re-locate to LA in 2012.
AFC North:
Ravens 11-5. Could be VERY good.
Steelers 9-7. Luckiest team in history.
Cinmates 7-9. Don't tell anyone, but Pix actually likes Ocho Cinco. Could be a Patriot in the next few years. You heard it here first.
Browns 3-13. The Pix didn't forget about you, Mangina.
AFC East:
Patriots 15-1
Dolphins 9-7
Bills 8-8
Gay Jets 0-16
AFC Champs: Jets. No, wait. Patriots.
SB Champs: Patriots (does this even need to be said?)
There you have it. More details to come in Week 1 of the Pix. The gay preseason has been great, but starting in just a few weeks, the deliciousness will begin to flow in copious amounts at the official home of the Pix. Not for nothing, but Ben and Jerry's recently honored Vermont's legalizing gay marriage by renaming "Chubby Hubby" ice cream to "Hubby Hubby". The Pix would think that giving it no name whatsoever would say it all. Just call it "Ben and Jerry". Sometimes less is more, no?
See you all next week for the actual Pix, where another 65% season of picking against the spread is doubtful, but hopefully mildly amusing.
Pix out.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Douchebag
Just when the Pix thought it might be time to fire up the internets for the 09/10 NFL season, along comes a certain someone who the Pix has mentioned once or twice in the past. I refer, of course, to Barney Frank and the national health care debate. Um, no, it's Breet.
The Pix isn't sure what's left to be said that hasn't already been said. Followers of the Pix recall that none of Breet's seven faux retirements was taken seriously in this space. Each separate con job was called out and each unretirement was correctly predicted. Even the slurping, blind, seven times fooled national media saw this one coming. Two weeks ago when Breet anounced he would be staying retired for good, one could sense the cosmic collective yawn that passed over the nation. And yea, verily, there he was yesterday.........that steaming pile of unabashed ego.......smiling and aw shucksing the cameras. What a phony. What a traitor. What a stain.
What bothers the Pix so much about this shyster is that apparently he thinks we don't see through him. And he's really not to blame for that. The media has gotten so carried away with the myth of Breet that it's really no wonder that the all time leader in interceptions, the most resented teamate of all time, the worst statistical quarterback of the last half decade, the biggest liar in sports doesn't posess even a scintilla of self awareness. If he did he would kill himself.
The ancient Greeks had a word used in modern English today that comes to mind when the Pix thinks about the coming season for Breet: Hubris. A rough definition is an overabundance of pride ultimatley resulting fatal retribution. In other words, Breet is finally going to get what's coming to him......some form of debilitating or humiliating finish to what was once a good career but now has become the most tedious and monotonous retirement saga of all time. Be forwarned Stainmaster, your final season will end badly.............stay tuned.
In other news, Rick Pitino finds himself in a bit of a pickle, no? Once again, the media has their collective head up their keister. The media would have the public think Pitino's career and reputation are in jeopardy due to the sordid details of an extortion charge that have been revealed. Allow the Pix to break down said scandal.......six years ago, Pitino banged a skank in a restaurant after closing........then banged her again two weeks later. That's it, that's the story. All else is noise. If anything, Pitino might have more "street cred" than ever. He can tell recruits that if they cruise with the Louisville possee, maybe they can pick up some of Rico's sloppy seconds.
Then there's Lady Gaga. A talent challenged singer whose inexplicable popularity can mainly be attributed to the fact that she acts like a super skank. Lady G recently flashed her kitty at a concert in England and supposedly revealed that she's packing more than just a taco. In her own words, "I have a peen and a pooner, so what?" Listen, the Pix is down with hermaphrodites as much as the next guy, but why the need to go public? The last time the Pix was witness to this kind of shameless self promotion by a dual gendered freak, a football and a purple jersey were prominently involved.
What else happened this summer? Some of you may of heard that Michael Jackson died. Exhibit 624 of how the Pix has gone wrong with his own life. Evidently, the way to fame and sainthood is to dress like a freak, serve kids booze, molest them, pay them off and run off to hide in Dubai. My bad. It's a good thing the public has level headed citizens around like Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson to really get to the true meaning of things. Shame on the Pix for not knowing that the "King of Pop" did more for race relations than that silly old Martin Luther King. The Pix also missed the nugget in Dr. Spock's opus that hanging your kid from a balcony and ensuring that they never find out who their real parents are have become the new gold standard for child rearing (pun intended Michael). The Pix thought Sarah Palin had some kooky names for kids (Bristol, Trig, Trak, Willow, butter knife), but Blanket? Really???? Blanket??? What the hell do you have to be thinking to name your kid Blanket???? Yeesh.
So how about a little football? In the words of Larry David, the Pix thinks the Pats look pretty, pretty, pretty pretty good. The Jets? Not so much. New coach, gasbag Rex Ryan, has been calling out the Guru during the offseason saying that he's not afraid of the Pats. Gasbag, you have a rookie quarterback, Dirty Sanchez, who has a whopping 16 college starts under his belt. See mention of the word hubris above. Maybe the Jets should win a game before a rookie head coach calls out the most successful franchise in modern history.
Coming soon.........predictions for all division winners and a special tribute to social genius Stephon Marbury, update on Roger Clemens and his affair with a 17 year old Mindy Mcready and the most recent tally on how many illegitimate children Antonio Cromartie has (hint, it's a number between 7 and 11).
Welcome to the new season.
Pix out.
The Pix isn't sure what's left to be said that hasn't already been said. Followers of the Pix recall that none of Breet's seven faux retirements was taken seriously in this space. Each separate con job was called out and each unretirement was correctly predicted. Even the slurping, blind, seven times fooled national media saw this one coming. Two weeks ago when Breet anounced he would be staying retired for good, one could sense the cosmic collective yawn that passed over the nation. And yea, verily, there he was yesterday.........that steaming pile of unabashed ego.......smiling and aw shucksing the cameras. What a phony. What a traitor. What a stain.
What bothers the Pix so much about this shyster is that apparently he thinks we don't see through him. And he's really not to blame for that. The media has gotten so carried away with the myth of Breet that it's really no wonder that the all time leader in interceptions, the most resented teamate of all time, the worst statistical quarterback of the last half decade, the biggest liar in sports doesn't posess even a scintilla of self awareness. If he did he would kill himself.
The ancient Greeks had a word used in modern English today that comes to mind when the Pix thinks about the coming season for Breet: Hubris. A rough definition is an overabundance of pride ultimatley resulting fatal retribution. In other words, Breet is finally going to get what's coming to him......some form of debilitating or humiliating finish to what was once a good career but now has become the most tedious and monotonous retirement saga of all time. Be forwarned Stainmaster, your final season will end badly.............stay tuned.
In other news, Rick Pitino finds himself in a bit of a pickle, no? Once again, the media has their collective head up their keister. The media would have the public think Pitino's career and reputation are in jeopardy due to the sordid details of an extortion charge that have been revealed. Allow the Pix to break down said scandal.......six years ago, Pitino banged a skank in a restaurant after closing........then banged her again two weeks later. That's it, that's the story. All else is noise. If anything, Pitino might have more "street cred" than ever. He can tell recruits that if they cruise with the Louisville possee, maybe they can pick up some of Rico's sloppy seconds.
Then there's Lady Gaga. A talent challenged singer whose inexplicable popularity can mainly be attributed to the fact that she acts like a super skank. Lady G recently flashed her kitty at a concert in England and supposedly revealed that she's packing more than just a taco. In her own words, "I have a peen and a pooner, so what?" Listen, the Pix is down with hermaphrodites as much as the next guy, but why the need to go public? The last time the Pix was witness to this kind of shameless self promotion by a dual gendered freak, a football and a purple jersey were prominently involved.
What else happened this summer? Some of you may of heard that Michael Jackson died. Exhibit 624 of how the Pix has gone wrong with his own life. Evidently, the way to fame and sainthood is to dress like a freak, serve kids booze, molest them, pay them off and run off to hide in Dubai. My bad. It's a good thing the public has level headed citizens around like Al Sharpton and Joe Jackson to really get to the true meaning of things. Shame on the Pix for not knowing that the "King of Pop" did more for race relations than that silly old Martin Luther King. The Pix also missed the nugget in Dr. Spock's opus that hanging your kid from a balcony and ensuring that they never find out who their real parents are have become the new gold standard for child rearing (pun intended Michael). The Pix thought Sarah Palin had some kooky names for kids (Bristol, Trig, Trak, Willow, butter knife), but Blanket? Really???? Blanket??? What the hell do you have to be thinking to name your kid Blanket???? Yeesh.
So how about a little football? In the words of Larry David, the Pix thinks the Pats look pretty, pretty, pretty pretty good. The Jets? Not so much. New coach, gasbag Rex Ryan, has been calling out the Guru during the offseason saying that he's not afraid of the Pats. Gasbag, you have a rookie quarterback, Dirty Sanchez, who has a whopping 16 college starts under his belt. See mention of the word hubris above. Maybe the Jets should win a game before a rookie head coach calls out the most successful franchise in modern history.
Coming soon.........predictions for all division winners and a special tribute to social genius Stephon Marbury, update on Roger Clemens and his affair with a 17 year old Mindy Mcready and the most recent tally on how many illegitimate children Antonio Cromartie has (hint, it's a number between 7 and 11).
Welcome to the new season.
Pix out.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
National Signing Day
Readers of the Pix know that one of my favorite days of the year is the day that high school football recruits sign their letters of intent to attend whatever playschool/college they choose. Not only does the day provide a window into how each school's prospects for the future look, it provides us with the always hilarious list of names that America's parents have chosen to bestow on their offspring. This years list of interesting monikers comes with a twist.....The Pix is going to invent three names and include them randomly. Readers who reply in the "comments" section and guess any or all of the invented names will recieve due recognition on the least read blog in America and a beverage of your choice compliments of the Pix. For the record, the following names are all first names and were selected from CNNSI's compilation of high school football recruits for the 2009 season. Rest assured, this list could be 10x longer. These names come from approximately 15 out of 115 division 1 college programs. The List:
Kadero
Lequan
Tomasi
Osahon
Tourek
Cassetti
Jacarri
Olajuwan
Dave (making sure you are paying attention)
Radermon
Larvez (my favorite for some reason)
Markeith
Sharquilmaa
Tevita
Meshack (no relation to Horshack from Welcom back Kotter)
Payden
Eryon
IK
Javontay
Daytawion
Taige
Shayon
Ray Ray
Kipeli
Snardamus
Pu'u
Vontaze (I think there was a Vontaze last year too)
Quayshawn
Sekope
Darrington
Tanelia
Stanjarivus (not to be confused with Stanjarvious from last year)
Morrell (has a brother Portabello and a sister Chantarelle)
Iuta
Preep
Sample invented names that didn't make the cut:
Kilderion
Roarfus
Mysphincter
Ja Ja
Kinkon
That's it. That's the list. Get thyself to the comments section and enter for your prize. A prize will also be awarded to whomever can invent a name better than what we have here.
Off you go....
Kadero
Lequan
Tomasi
Osahon
Tourek
Cassetti
Jacarri
Olajuwan
Dave (making sure you are paying attention)
Radermon
Larvez (my favorite for some reason)
Markeith
Sharquilmaa
Tevita
Meshack (no relation to Horshack from Welcom back Kotter)
Payden
Eryon
IK
Javontay
Daytawion
Taige
Shayon
Ray Ray
Kipeli
Snardamus
Pu'u
Vontaze (I think there was a Vontaze last year too)
Quayshawn
Sekope
Darrington
Tanelia
Stanjarivus (not to be confused with Stanjarvious from last year)
Morrell (has a brother Portabello and a sister Chantarelle)
Iuta
Preep
Sample invented names that didn't make the cut:
Kilderion
Roarfus
Mysphincter
Ja Ja
Kinkon
That's it. That's the list. Get thyself to the comments section and enter for your prize. A prize will also be awarded to whomever can invent a name better than what we have here.
Off you go....
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Play being reviewed
7:55...Chances refs reverse this? Blutarski's gpa at Faber. 0.00. Actually, it shouldn't be reversed.
7:57....Here comes the Springsteen slurpfest.
7:59....Sobe ad with Ray Lewis and Matt Light. Wow. Really. Bad. Rating, Breet.
8:01....Watching the replay of the interception return. Skirt Warner just has to grab Harrison and hold on for the clock to run out. Incredibly bad play by Warner. Just indefensible. Maybe as bad as Bud Light's "drinkability".
Pix is checking out for the rest of the game.
Overall rating for SB....Breet. Now just have to wait for the retirement/non retirement national non story to dominate the football media starting tomorrow.
The good news? Hollywood week starts on Idol this Tuesday. Stay tuned....
7:57....Here comes the Springsteen slurpfest.
7:59....Sobe ad with Ray Lewis and Matt Light. Wow. Really. Bad. Rating, Breet.
8:01....Watching the replay of the interception return. Skirt Warner just has to grab Harrison and hold on for the clock to run out. Incredibly bad play by Warner. Just indefensible. Maybe as bad as Bud Light's "drinkability".
Pix is checking out for the rest of the game.
Overall rating for SB....Breet. Now just have to wait for the retirement/non retirement national non story to dominate the football media starting tomorrow.
The good news? Hollywood week starts on Idol this Tuesday. Stay tuned....
Cardinals resembling Bud Light
7:15....first first down for Fraudinals. Madden talks about something totally unrelated.
7:17....why is Arizona trying to run the ball? There's a reason Deval Patrick's wife isn't a model. She's ugly. And the Frauds can't run against Pittsburgh. Unrelated? Methinksnot.
7:19...another flag on Az. None so far on Pitt. Hmmmm....somewhere Mike Holmgren nods his head.
7:20...first and 10 on the 3. Pleasing.
7:21.....Pleasing, pleasing, pleasing......and DELICIOUS.
7:22.....Cars.com, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Such a good start and then........more anticlimactic than Sara Palin's career.
7:28...first penalty on Turds. Pretty much had to call that one. And.......a makeup call. Encroachment on Az. They could call that on every play.
7:30....The Pitt punter is named Mitch Berger. Pretty sure he did my taxes in 1998.
7:31....This game is getting good. Oops, personal foul on Cards. Bullshit call. Refs back on track.
7:34....Etrade. Lame. Rating, Joe Klecko. They had an ad around 5 or so that was hilarious. Which is why the Pix was disappointed in this one.
7:36....Edge drops a gimmie. Pathetic. Another flag on AZ. Refs are in a groove.
7:38....Drink...........a...........bility. The Pix will say it. Worst Superbowl ads in the history of the game.
7:41. Interception. Pleasing.
7:42. Grim Reaper, taxes, whatever.
7:43. Talking flowers...."go home to your fat smelly cat". Um, I think we have a winner. Rating, Brady plus Belichick.
7:44. Leno in a car. Is he still on TV?
7:46.......Madden, "this is what Kurt Warner likes" on a play when the blitzer comes unblocked and punches his grill. Well said, John.
7:47....Cheetos, pigeons.....I guess this is supposed to be anti skanks on cell phones. Um, ok. Rating, Faulk.
7:49....Oohhh. Bad reverse jinx stat on Warner. Let's see how this plays out.
7:51...yep. The jinx proves true. Pick 6. Wait, flag. Against Az. Given.
7:17....why is Arizona trying to run the ball? There's a reason Deval Patrick's wife isn't a model. She's ugly. And the Frauds can't run against Pittsburgh. Unrelated? Methinksnot.
7:19...another flag on Az. None so far on Pitt. Hmmmm....somewhere Mike Holmgren nods his head.
7:20...first and 10 on the 3. Pleasing.
7:21.....Pleasing, pleasing, pleasing......and DELICIOUS.
7:22.....Cars.com, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Such a good start and then........more anticlimactic than Sara Palin's career.
7:28...first penalty on Turds. Pretty much had to call that one. And.......a makeup call. Encroachment on Az. They could call that on every play.
7:30....The Pitt punter is named Mitch Berger. Pretty sure he did my taxes in 1998.
7:31....This game is getting good. Oops, personal foul on Cards. Bullshit call. Refs back on track.
7:34....Etrade. Lame. Rating, Joe Klecko. They had an ad around 5 or so that was hilarious. Which is why the Pix was disappointed in this one.
7:36....Edge drops a gimmie. Pathetic. Another flag on AZ. Refs are in a groove.
7:38....Drink...........a...........bility. The Pix will say it. Worst Superbowl ads in the history of the game.
7:41. Interception. Pleasing.
7:42. Grim Reaper, taxes, whatever.
7:43. Talking flowers...."go home to your fat smelly cat". Um, I think we have a winner. Rating, Brady plus Belichick.
7:44. Leno in a car. Is he still on TV?
7:46.......Madden, "this is what Kurt Warner likes" on a play when the blitzer comes unblocked and punches his grill. Well said, John.
7:47....Cheetos, pigeons.....I guess this is supposed to be anti skanks on cell phones. Um, ok. Rating, Faulk.
7:49....Oohhh. Bad reverse jinx stat on Warner. Let's see how this plays out.
7:51...yep. The jinx proves true. Pick 6. Wait, flag. Against Az. Given.
6:48....
6:49....handoff on second and 20? Really?
6:50....third and 17...Skirt Warner wets himself. The Pix had the under.
6:51....Conan O'brian for Bud Light.....and......what a wet fart. Horrible. Memo to Bud light, these ads are costing 3 mil per 30 seconds. How can this campaign be this bad? This is perplexing. The Pix is perplexed. Rating, Mangina.
6:55.....Deliciousness #4, meet the Pix. Pleasing.
6:66....Mr. and Mrs Okeafor must have really gone back and forth between Bill Okeafor and......wait for it........Chike. Pronounced Cheaky. Oh, and the refs just cheated for Pitt again with a no call on the clip when Turd scrambled and completed the pass to Miller. This game is over. So far the only stench more foul than these refs is the Bud Light campaign.
7:01....end of first quarter.
7:02....Bridgstone tires with Mrs Potato head back seat driving. Pretty good stuff. Rating, Faulk.
7:03....Castrol oil with monkees....who made the rule that every SB had to have ads with monkees? Monkees aren't funny....unless they are throwing things at dudes' nuts.
7:04....Hines Ward is Madden's new Breet. Break out the knee pads.
7:05...."Land of the Lost". Sucked in the 70's. Will suck harder now.
7:06.....Chick in her underwear. Strong. Another monkey, weak. Rating, Ladudian
7:07....Danica Patrick for "Go Daddy.com". Me likey. Rating, Randy Moss.
7:08.....Touchdown Pitt. Thanks for the no call on the clip.
7:09...."I'm good". Pretty amusing. Uh, oh. This is for diet cola? No thanks. Pix just added all diet colas to Jihad list. Rating, Jets
7:10..Bud ad with dalmation. Awesome. Are Bud and Bud light connected somehow? Because their ad campaigns have as much in common as John and Yoko. Rating, Jerod Mayo.
7:12......another Bud ad. Pix calls it the horny horse. Get some Mr. Ed. Get some. Rating, Wes Welker.
6:50....third and 17...Skirt Warner wets himself. The Pix had the under.
6:51....Conan O'brian for Bud Light.....and......what a wet fart. Horrible. Memo to Bud light, these ads are costing 3 mil per 30 seconds. How can this campaign be this bad? This is perplexing. The Pix is perplexed. Rating, Mangina.
6:55.....Deliciousness #4, meet the Pix. Pleasing.
6:66....Mr. and Mrs Okeafor must have really gone back and forth between Bill Okeafor and......wait for it........Chike. Pronounced Cheaky. Oh, and the refs just cheated for Pitt again with a no call on the clip when Turd scrambled and completed the pass to Miller. This game is over. So far the only stench more foul than these refs is the Bud Light campaign.
7:01....end of first quarter.
7:02....Bridgstone tires with Mrs Potato head back seat driving. Pretty good stuff. Rating, Faulk.
7:03....Castrol oil with monkees....who made the rule that every SB had to have ads with monkees? Monkees aren't funny....unless they are throwing things at dudes' nuts.
7:04....Hines Ward is Madden's new Breet. Break out the knee pads.
7:05...."Land of the Lost". Sucked in the 70's. Will suck harder now.
7:06.....Chick in her underwear. Strong. Another monkey, weak. Rating, Ladudian
7:07....Danica Patrick for "Go Daddy.com". Me likey. Rating, Randy Moss.
7:08.....Touchdown Pitt. Thanks for the no call on the clip.
7:09...."I'm good". Pretty amusing. Uh, oh. This is for diet cola? No thanks. Pix just added all diet colas to Jihad list. Rating, Jets
7:10..Bud ad with dalmation. Awesome. Are Bud and Bud light connected somehow? Because their ad campaigns have as much in common as John and Yoko. Rating, Jerod Mayo.
7:12......another Bud ad. Pix calls it the horny horse. Get some Mr. Ed. Get some. Rating, Wes Welker.
kickoff
6:36....Pix just cracked third can of deliciousness. Yummy.
6:36....Monty Biesel starts at linebacker for Arizona? Bad Omen.
6:36....Fraudinals D looking more porous than James Edward Olmos' face.
6:38...should be a penalty on touchdown.....#62 Al Hartwig shouldn't be allowed to pull the Turd into the end zone. Of course Madden and Michaels miss it.
6:39...."Drinkability" is the first ad? See Pix archives on worst ad campaign ever. Seriously, I'm glad Bud Light is "drinkable", otherwise I'd shove it up my ass. Rating, Breet.
6:43....."Forever Young"......simply awesome. Best Pepsi add in years. Rating, Brady.
6:44....Horrible Doritos add.....until boss gets hit in nuts with crystal ball. Nothing beats the gratuitous shot to the bean bag. Rating, Faulk.
6:36....Monty Biesel starts at linebacker for Arizona? Bad Omen.
6:36....Fraudinals D looking more porous than James Edward Olmos' face.
6:38...should be a penalty on touchdown.....#62 Al Hartwig shouldn't be allowed to pull the Turd into the end zone. Of course Madden and Michaels miss it.
6:39...."Drinkability" is the first ad? See Pix archives on worst ad campaign ever. Seriously, I'm glad Bud Light is "drinkable", otherwise I'd shove it up my ass. Rating, Breet.
6:43....."Forever Young"......simply awesome. Best Pepsi add in years. Rating, Brady.
6:44....Horrible Doritos add.....until boss gets hit in nuts with crystal ball. Nothing beats the gratuitous shot to the bean bag. Rating, Faulk.
pregame
A few thoughts/disclaimers....no car commercials will be commented on. In fact, only relevant commercials and a few in game comments. Pix was wrong about anthem singer....it will be Jennifer Hudson, not Jordan Sparks (she sang it last year). Jennifer has had, um, a pretty rough year.
6:04....Subway commercial with the popping buttons and stuff. Pretty funny, but let's tell the truth about Subway. To paraphrase Raymond Babbit....Subway sucks. Rating, Faulk.
6:09.....Team introductions. Interesting that ever since 2001, when the Patriots chose to be introduced as a team, EVERY team has stolen the idea since. The Guru's imprint on society is everywhere.
6:12....."Five.......................Five dollar...................five dollar foot long..". Lame. Early line on Subway being the Pix' bitch today, 2-1.
6:15...What happened to Brenda Warner? She actually doesn't look terrible. She traded in her Rachel Madow haircut for the Jessica Simpson. Good call, Brenda. The Pix has always said the wife of a SB quarterback shouldn't look like the editor or the "Village Voice".
6:19. Anthem.....goose bumps.....maybe better than Whitney's during Desert Storm.
6:24.....The Hyundai Genesis is the 2009 car of the year? 2009 just started, fellas. The Pix is pretty sure something better may come along. Rating, Ladudian.
6:28.....The ref just called James Farrior, number 51, number 15. I dyslexia heart. This doesn't bode well for the Zebras. Lets hope they have a better game than 3 years ago when they absolutely HANDED the game to Pittsburgh.
6:04....Subway commercial with the popping buttons and stuff. Pretty funny, but let's tell the truth about Subway. To paraphrase Raymond Babbit....Subway sucks. Rating, Faulk.
6:09.....Team introductions. Interesting that ever since 2001, when the Patriots chose to be introduced as a team, EVERY team has stolen the idea since. The Guru's imprint on society is everywhere.
6:12....."Five.......................Five dollar...................five dollar foot long..". Lame. Early line on Subway being the Pix' bitch today, 2-1.
6:15...What happened to Brenda Warner? She actually doesn't look terrible. She traded in her Rachel Madow haircut for the Jessica Simpson. Good call, Brenda. The Pix has always said the wife of a SB quarterback shouldn't look like the editor or the "Village Voice".
6:19. Anthem.....goose bumps.....maybe better than Whitney's during Desert Storm.
6:24.....The Hyundai Genesis is the 2009 car of the year? 2009 just started, fellas. The Pix is pretty sure something better may come along. Rating, Ladudian.
6:28.....The ref just called James Farrior, number 51, number 15. I dyslexia heart. This doesn't bode well for the Zebras. Lets hope they have a better game than 3 years ago when they absolutely HANDED the game to Pittsburgh.
SB Commercial ratings
The Pix will try something new for the SB. Given that the game itself has no meaning to most Pix readers, a live blog rating the commercials for the first half will be attempted. Degree of difficulty? High. Pre game deliciousness will be consumed and no doubt will have an effect on timing and typing. Let's throw together a quick rating system for this shaky endeavor:
1. Brady. No explanation necessary
2. Faulk. Solid. Under rated. Sneaky good.
3. Maroney. Disappointing, but not a disaster. Starts strong and then fades.
4. McNab. Wierd, over rated, will be discussed more than it should for something so pedestrian.
5. Ladudian. Self important and completely unaware of its own lameness.
6. Breet. No explanation necessary
See you at kickoff.
1. Brady. No explanation necessary
2. Faulk. Solid. Under rated. Sneaky good.
3. Maroney. Disappointing, but not a disaster. Starts strong and then fades.
4. McNab. Wierd, over rated, will be discussed more than it should for something so pedestrian.
5. Ladudian. Self important and completely unaware of its own lameness.
6. Breet. No explanation necessary
See you at kickoff.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Nothing Super about this Bowl
As the Pix has been forced to digest two weeks of Super Bowl hype surrounding the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals, there have been times when the media has actually been able to confuse me about this game. The Pix predicted these two teams would meet two weeks ago and has been predicting the Cardinals would be in the Super Bowl since the playoffs began (although had the Chargers upsetting the Steelers earlier). The Pix estimates that at least half the talking heads at Fox, ESPN etc. have the Cardinals pulling the mild upset tomorrow. Even Vegas sees it close as the 7 point spread has not changed for two weeks. For the sake of comparrison, the Pats opened at 14 point favorites last year and the line moved to 12 1/2 by kickoff. The lesson? Both Pats and Giant fans like to bet and bet heavy on their teams. The lesson from the 09 line???????? Steeler fans have to be the biggest betting pussies in the history of gambling.
Seriously, how is line 7 points? Pittsburgh has been one of the three marquee franchises in NFL history. Like the Cowboys, Celtics and Yankees, they have fans all aroung the country. How many fans to the Cardinals have? Like 100? They are one of the all time lame franchises. They are one rung above the Washington Generals (the team the Globetrotters have a 764 game winning streak against). Where is all the Pennsylvania money going? They HAVE heard of betting, right? Is the recession avoiding the Steel city and they don't need the money? Because if the Patriots were laying 7 in this game the New England economy wouldn't need Obama's stimulus package Monday morning. Conversly, Vegas would implode.
Let's just review the New England connection here. The Steelers came into Foxboro, endured an ice storm and (with a big assist from Matthew Slater) thumped the Patriots. The Fraudinals came here, looked out their hotel windows and proceeded to hire a junior high school girls flag team to play the game in their place. The score was 31-0 at halftime. The Pix has to go back almost 70 years to Alsace to remember one side giving up so freely. So it's no wonder that the Bordeaux Cardinals don't exactly engender much confidence in the Pix.
Here's how the game is going to unfold.........Jordan Sparks will sing the anthem and Kurt Warner will proceed to wet himself the first time James Harrison blows by the left tackle and puts a hat on Warner. If there is one thing that stays in my mind from the NFC championship game, it's the third quarter when the Eagles started rushing 8 and Skirt Warner looked like a puppy after the first time it's had it's nose swatted for hosing down the linoleum. The Pix isn't saying that Skirt is fragile, but I've seen tougher origami. The Pix has no idea what the over/under is on Leinhart coming into the game, but I'd seriously look for the under at halftime. Remember this when you watch the game Sunday.....Skirt Warner wears a mouthguard. Can you think of any other NFL quarterbacks who wear mouthguards? The Pix can't either. And it's not like he can move out of the pocket either when the pocket collapses. The Pix has seen old women trying to take the trash to the curb over a sheet of ice move with more confidence.
Final score: Turds 41, Fraudinals 17.
That is all for now. The official children have decided to take off the no screaming sign. Perhaps a live commercial blog is in order. Stay tuned.
Seriously, how is line 7 points? Pittsburgh has been one of the three marquee franchises in NFL history. Like the Cowboys, Celtics and Yankees, they have fans all aroung the country. How many fans to the Cardinals have? Like 100? They are one of the all time lame franchises. They are one rung above the Washington Generals (the team the Globetrotters have a 764 game winning streak against). Where is all the Pennsylvania money going? They HAVE heard of betting, right? Is the recession avoiding the Steel city and they don't need the money? Because if the Patriots were laying 7 in this game the New England economy wouldn't need Obama's stimulus package Monday morning. Conversly, Vegas would implode.
Let's just review the New England connection here. The Steelers came into Foxboro, endured an ice storm and (with a big assist from Matthew Slater) thumped the Patriots. The Fraudinals came here, looked out their hotel windows and proceeded to hire a junior high school girls flag team to play the game in their place. The score was 31-0 at halftime. The Pix has to go back almost 70 years to Alsace to remember one side giving up so freely. So it's no wonder that the Bordeaux Cardinals don't exactly engender much confidence in the Pix.
Here's how the game is going to unfold.........Jordan Sparks will sing the anthem and Kurt Warner will proceed to wet himself the first time James Harrison blows by the left tackle and puts a hat on Warner. If there is one thing that stays in my mind from the NFC championship game, it's the third quarter when the Eagles started rushing 8 and Skirt Warner looked like a puppy after the first time it's had it's nose swatted for hosing down the linoleum. The Pix isn't saying that Skirt is fragile, but I've seen tougher origami. The Pix has no idea what the over/under is on Leinhart coming into the game, but I'd seriously look for the under at halftime. Remember this when you watch the game Sunday.....Skirt Warner wears a mouthguard. Can you think of any other NFL quarterbacks who wear mouthguards? The Pix can't either. And it's not like he can move out of the pocket either when the pocket collapses. The Pix has seen old women trying to take the trash to the curb over a sheet of ice move with more confidence.
Final score: Turds 41, Fraudinals 17.
That is all for now. The official children have decided to take off the no screaming sign. Perhaps a live commercial blog is in order. Stay tuned.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Championship Sunday
Let's face it........it gets more and more difficult to watch these games/turds as the faux playoffs continue without the best team in the NFL. The four remaining teams are more flawed than Ken Lewis' merger strategies (see Countrywide Financial, MBNA, Merrill). The Pats would go through these teams faster than a plate of scrambled eggs through Mr. Vegas after a night of 37 Miller Lite drafts at Sully's tap. Let's just fire off some random thoughts since the Pix has nothing coherent to say about 2 piss poor playoff turds/games.
Run, don't walk, to rent "Stepbrothers" with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. Great tip from the Hutchies. How did this movie slip through the cracks? The Pix is currently watching it for the second time in 24 hours. Better than "Superbad". Better than "Knocked up". Let's just say.......funniest movie since "Anchorman".
Rachel Nichols of ESPN is a piglet. It looks like her chin is going to touch her belly button when she scrunches up her face to pronounce the letter N. The Pix doesn't know if it's just a facial tic or a mini seizure, but she clearly has pictures of someone at the world wide leader.
Speaking of strange facial features.....what's up with Raven qb Joe Flacco? It looks like he's been sprinkling chia pet dust on his eyebrows in some sort of bizzare attempt to try out for the cast of "New Star Trek" while simultaneously guiding his team through the playoffs. There are uni brows, there are Klingons, and then there's Mr. Flacco. The Pix hasn't seen a trim job needed that badly since perusing early 70's Playboy centerfolds.
Here's a hypothetical......Let's say you go for "the snip" and the urology nurse tells you to take off your pants and boxers and sit on a cold table to await for her return. Let's say (hypothetically of course) that she's cute, blond, late 20's with a better than average rack and despite a little sketchy skin on the jawline, she's a poor woman's Ellen Pompeo. So (hypothetically) you are sitting there in a t shirt, sweater, and dark socks and you look down to review your most recent styling and realize that she may have to fine tune things for the doctor. And, well, um, the table is cold, the room is cold, you are contemplating two shots of novocaine to your junk bag and, um, you are somewhere between a baby turtle and George Costanza after swimming in the ocean. Do you A: fluff yourself hoping to stop at a reasonable level so as to not make it seem too obvious (don't want to reach ragerville) or B: Just accept the fact that this is probably not her first rodeo and it's only 50/50 that she'll tell all the other nurses that there's a new leader in the clubhouse?
Somehow lost in the news last week was that Osama Bin Laden issued another audio tape in which he had some words for our President elect regarding Gaza and other foreign policies. He then proceeded do declare Jihad on Israel. Um.....................the Pix admits that "Al Jezeera.com" isn't among the family bookmarks, but, really? Jihad on Israel? This wasn't already in effect? What the hell has been going on over there since 1949 in the first place? The Pix is not attempting to be insensitive, but I really had already assumed that the leader of Al Queda wasn't particularly fond of the Red Sea Pedestrians. It appears Osama did not get Lil Wayne's message about redundancy from the new years GQ.
Readers of the Pix know that when it comes to "American Idol", there are few better prognosticators around. Once the football season is over there's a fair chance this blog will convert completely to "Idol" coverage. Here's a little preaseason pick. Stevie, the cute Jessica Biel look alike 16 year old brunette was the best bird from night one. The tattooed slut who sang "Barracuda" is an atrocity. The ebony bird named Lil Rounds (big rounds is more like it you saucy little feline) was the best of night two. The Pix may have missed someone from the second hour due to frozen pea and vodka/cran managment. Stay tuned for more "Idol" commentary.
Finally, for the two readers who care....
Arizona 31, Philadelphia 21. The Pix just thinks Larry Fitzgerald is the best player on the field and that the Cards "D" is peaking at the right time. In addition, Donovan Mcwierd is less reliable in big games than timely service at the "Muffin Shop" when Louisa isn't working.
Pittsburgh 19, Baltimore 17. Bad weather, lot's of turnovers, lot's of chirping by murdering fraud Ray Lewis, lot's of announcer's ball washing the turd burglar and some good old fashioned refs cheating for the Steelers like they do in every big game. And lot's of the Pix thinking this game should be going on in Foxboroug right now.....
Enjoy your snowy Sundays. And enjoy the day off tomorrow.
Run, don't walk, to rent "Stepbrothers" with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly. Great tip from the Hutchies. How did this movie slip through the cracks? The Pix is currently watching it for the second time in 24 hours. Better than "Superbad". Better than "Knocked up". Let's just say.......funniest movie since "Anchorman".
Rachel Nichols of ESPN is a piglet. It looks like her chin is going to touch her belly button when she scrunches up her face to pronounce the letter N. The Pix doesn't know if it's just a facial tic or a mini seizure, but she clearly has pictures of someone at the world wide leader.
Speaking of strange facial features.....what's up with Raven qb Joe Flacco? It looks like he's been sprinkling chia pet dust on his eyebrows in some sort of bizzare attempt to try out for the cast of "New Star Trek" while simultaneously guiding his team through the playoffs. There are uni brows, there are Klingons, and then there's Mr. Flacco. The Pix hasn't seen a trim job needed that badly since perusing early 70's Playboy centerfolds.
Here's a hypothetical......Let's say you go for "the snip" and the urology nurse tells you to take off your pants and boxers and sit on a cold table to await for her return. Let's say (hypothetically of course) that she's cute, blond, late 20's with a better than average rack and despite a little sketchy skin on the jawline, she's a poor woman's Ellen Pompeo. So (hypothetically) you are sitting there in a t shirt, sweater, and dark socks and you look down to review your most recent styling and realize that she may have to fine tune things for the doctor. And, well, um, the table is cold, the room is cold, you are contemplating two shots of novocaine to your junk bag and, um, you are somewhere between a baby turtle and George Costanza after swimming in the ocean. Do you A: fluff yourself hoping to stop at a reasonable level so as to not make it seem too obvious (don't want to reach ragerville) or B: Just accept the fact that this is probably not her first rodeo and it's only 50/50 that she'll tell all the other nurses that there's a new leader in the clubhouse?
Somehow lost in the news last week was that Osama Bin Laden issued another audio tape in which he had some words for our President elect regarding Gaza and other foreign policies. He then proceeded do declare Jihad on Israel. Um.....................the Pix admits that "Al Jezeera.com" isn't among the family bookmarks, but, really? Jihad on Israel? This wasn't already in effect? What the hell has been going on over there since 1949 in the first place? The Pix is not attempting to be insensitive, but I really had already assumed that the leader of Al Queda wasn't particularly fond of the Red Sea Pedestrians. It appears Osama did not get Lil Wayne's message about redundancy from the new years GQ.
Readers of the Pix know that when it comes to "American Idol", there are few better prognosticators around. Once the football season is over there's a fair chance this blog will convert completely to "Idol" coverage. Here's a little preaseason pick. Stevie, the cute Jessica Biel look alike 16 year old brunette was the best bird from night one. The tattooed slut who sang "Barracuda" is an atrocity. The ebony bird named Lil Rounds (big rounds is more like it you saucy little feline) was the best of night two. The Pix may have missed someone from the second hour due to frozen pea and vodka/cran managment. Stay tuned for more "Idol" commentary.
Finally, for the two readers who care....
Arizona 31, Philadelphia 21. The Pix just thinks Larry Fitzgerald is the best player on the field and that the Cards "D" is peaking at the right time. In addition, Donovan Mcwierd is less reliable in big games than timely service at the "Muffin Shop" when Louisa isn't working.
Pittsburgh 19, Baltimore 17. Bad weather, lot's of turnovers, lot's of chirping by murdering fraud Ray Lewis, lot's of announcer's ball washing the turd burglar and some good old fashioned refs cheating for the Steelers like they do in every big game. And lot's of the Pix thinking this game should be going on in Foxboroug right now.....
Enjoy your snowy Sundays. And enjoy the day off tomorrow.
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