Happy belated new year to all (with some exceptions that we will soon mention). The Pix is rested and ready for the 2010 NFL tournament. The preseason pix of a Packers-Patriots Superbowl is still alive, albeit struggling with swine flu and a torn ACL/MCL. But that will not dissuade the Pix to sticking (for at least one week) to his original prognostication. Shall we get to some football? Let's not. Let's instead deliver another public service announcement:
To the roided up trainer at a certain gym: The gym hopper is for EMERGENCY USE ONLY. Do people not have bathrooms at home? Every other day, this gargantuan young man uses the public facility at the gym as his own personal science lab. One can only guess, but the noxious gas mixing with shower steam every day at 4:30 can only be the result of two bowls of colon blow, a creatine shake, and a few 5 guys double with onions. Ay Carumba. Please, kind sir, a 10 by 25 square foot cement tomb with no ventilation is no place for you to camp out for 20 minutes and take your afternoon growler. It reminds the Pix of a terrible childhood trauma when the Pix went to the official father's facility to get a band aid only to be met with a two by four gas blast of menthol shaving cream and morning nonsense. The official father is naturally forgiven as the crime took place in his own house. Steroid trainer boy? Not so much. The Pix can only guess that Steroid boy is in the honeymoon phase of a relationship with a young feline and he is playing away games as much as possible. A piece of advice for this young man: the sooner you introduce said bird to the hilarious world of dutch ovens and games of car turtle (lock car windows and release) the faster you will be on the road to an honest and fulfilling relationship. The Pix has spoken.
Cincinatti 19, Jets 17. This game will reek. The srong Jets D with the feeble Jets offense makes for one hell of a boring game. Ocho Cinco has a questionable wheel and Darrell Reivis would shut him down regardless. Perhaps if Chris Henry hadn't jumped out of his baby mama's moving truck, the Bungles receiving corps would hold a little more potency. It would not surprise the Pix at all if the Gas Bag and his crew pulled this one out.......leading to the greatest investment opportunity since Google; betting against the Jets in the divisional playoffs against the Colts. May the Gambling Gods grant us our wish.
Has anyone been following the Casey Johnson story? Holy dysfunction, Batman. Every am the Pix reads "the daily beast"; a mainly political blog that will throw in pop culture stories as well. One can't help but be drawn to this tale of entitled, drugged out, media seeking uber skanks that include Tila Tequilla, Courteny Semel (the Don Juan of Lesbians), the Hilton sluts (er, sisters) and a cast of tens all living in a world the Pix will call Lohan land. Crime scenes involving stolen vibrators? Check. Lesbian socialites in and out of rehab? Check. Death of the Johnson and Johnson family heiress a week after she gets engaged to Tila Tequilla (the bird who starred on a bisexual dating show and later accused Charger linebacker Shawn Merriman of choking her)? Check and double check. And the Pix left out the goog parts. If the decline of western civilization has yet to be confirmed, wait no longer. Get thyselves to "The Daily Beast" and prepare to wet thyselves.
Dallas 31, Philly 24. This should be an awesome game. Can the Romosexuals really win their first playoff game since the internets were invented? Seriously, "Roseanne" was still in prime time the last time Jerry Jones saw his boys win in the post season. Or was it "The Andy Griffith Show"? Either way, these two perrenial playoff chokers are bound to entertain us. If the Eagles lose, don't be surprised if this is Donovan McBiceps' last game. If Dallas loses, au revoir Wade Phillips. Both teams have a slew of young athletes and playmakers. Look for Demarco Ware and Felix Jones to be the difference makers.
Does anyone else pretend to read the London Sun Times online to secretly go to the "page 3" section of topless birds under the guise of wanting to keep informed about the Parliament election this spring? No? Um......never mind.
Green Bay 24, Arizona 13. Yawn. Meh. Blurgh. The Pix has no idea who will win this game, but one has to stay with the preseason pick of the Pack. Plus, Green Bay is one of the hottest teams in the NFL. Stand by for a major digression followed by a long turn home: On December 19th, the first major international sports star, Gareth Thomas (a rugby player in Britain) came out of the closet and admitted he had the gay. It would be the equivalent of, say, Ben Roethlisburger doing so. It made the Pix wonder, if this were to happen in the US, the last city it would go down in (pun intended) would be Green Bay, right? And the most likely city would be New York, LA or SF, no? So here are the Pix' three top candidates for a major closet break in 2010....Jason Bay, New York Mets; Ron Artest, LA Lakers; and Alex Smith, 49ers. Where is the Pix going with this? Um, nowhere.
Has anyone given any serious thought to the projected Red Sox lineup this year???
1. Jacoby Elsbury, LF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2b
3. Victor Martinez, C
4. Youk, 1b
5. Papi against RHP and Lowell against LHP
6. Adrienne Beltre, 3b
7. JD Injury, RF
8. Mike Cameron, CF
9. Marco Scutaro, SS
Not bad, right? Admit it, its' better than you thought. And the Rotation:
1. Beckett
2. Lackey
3. Lester
4. Bucholtz (if the Sox trade him I'll snap)
5. Matsuzaka/Wakefield
Zoinks, right? When do pitchers and catchers report?
In unrelated news, the Pix has once again been observing the herd recently in an effort to provide a detailed scientific traffic study to Congress. Using Marblehead as the control group, the Pix has determined that the Ovarian drivers of the little town are yapping and flapping (talking and texting) 87.675% of the time on their iphones while driving. To eachother. As usuall, the Pix has a solution: Bird Buses. In an effort to reduce green house emissions while simultaneously retraining the felines to interact with one another on a personal level, the Pix proposes 3 public Bird Buses that rotate daily from Market Basket, The YMCA and Yoga. Side routes may include the nail place (whatever the eff it's called), Starbucks, places they sell wine and school pickup. There will be a special section on the back of the bus for really committed iPhone birds to text eachother while all standing within 3 feet from one another. Never let it be said that the Pix isn't looking out for you, ladies. Thanking you, thanking me.
Finally.......New England 27, Baltimore 26. This game scares the guano out of the Pix. Simply put, if Wilfork is close to 90%, we win. If not, we could see Brady lose the first home playoff game of his career. The Ravens run the ball as well as any team in the NFL, but the Pats defend the run extrememly well if VW is healthy. Brady will miss Welker, but the good news is the offensive line is healthier than it's been since September. If Brady get time, Edelman (the Kosher Komet) will be fine. If not.........bad times and a beating for the official wife. Just kidding, honey.....just the usual spanking. And of course you'll have to wear the Peyton Manning jersey with the beige stockings. Ok, moving on here....
Pix out
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