To Bristol or not to Bristol........that is the question.

So...........let's not talk about football this week. After watching the Magicians lose to a tough Beverly team Saturday, the Pats take the pipe against the Browns and manorexic Mangini, watching the Cardinals hand Breet a "comeback" and the Jets also pull one out of their asses............last weekend blew donkeys. Although you did notice the Pix going 4-1 against the spread, right? Because due to the 7 week losing streak is on in fantasy football, the Pix is about to start following ladies bowling.

Lately, however, trivial matters such as football and gambling have not been at the forefront of the Pix' consciousness. The Pix has been pondering some of the more existential and esoteric matters of man. Unsolved mysteries such as Stonehenge, the Bermuda triangle, the Kennedy assassination are child's play. Does homo sapiens posses a moral gene, or does man need morality foisted upon him by an outside source such as organized religion? Again.............not a biggie. Global warming? Is QE2 a stop gap by the fed or will it reflate assets to a manageable level going forward? Peace in the middle east? The Pix is quite sure our leaders can figure this all out. What really keeps the Pix up at night staring at the ceiling in complete and hopeless bewilderment is simply this: Is Bristol Palin hot?????

Seriously. Is she hot? How hot? The Pix is completely befuddled. A massive international study should be launched immediately and simultaneously at the major Universities in the developed world. And the Pix is here to begin the discussion. Let's start with the early evidence:



Kinda cute, right? Great smile. Decent enough epidermis. Reasonable coif.



Same deal here. A fine specimen of femininity. Aside from some very hard to see nostril air bags (the things some people get on the outside of the nose as it meets the cheek when they smile), the Pix is going with full on hottie here. Bring it on, Bristol. Your mom may be a deluded poorly educated fraud, but the Pix would jump you in a heart beat.

But wait..........



Hold on just one big fat second here. What is this? Who is this bird? Could she be the same person? The Pix is unaware of any medical conditions that make your beak grow out and to the side once you are an adult. And does fake tanner really add ten pounds? Because if it does, that sound you just heard was thousands of birds rifling through their medicine cabinets to ditch the orange paint. Moving on......



Hot Bristol again. Glamming it up in her skinny jeans and making Hayden Pantierre look like a grumpy Anna Kournikova (not that that's a bad thing). Ok...we're safe, right?



Doh! What the? Who the? Other than the aforementioned nostril bags, the Pix is unsure that the team from CSI could say for sure if this is indeed the same dame. And stand by for standing by.....



Oh, no! It looks like the hostess P.F. Chang's has escaped and she has knocked over a Laura Ashley store! Heavens to mergatroid. And,um, it's time the Pix brings up an unfortunate topic, but in an international mystery the likes of Brisol Palin's hotness, no stone can be left unturned. It's time we mention the unmentionable. The reason the girdle was invented. The reason "Spanx" are flying off the shelves faster than cans of deliciousness in the nest. Ladies and gentlemen......the F.U.P.A. (fatty upper pubic area). Pix isn't being a hater. Just saying' that my girl here a case of PFR. Premature FUPA Rockage. Ok, back to better times:



Woo hoo! That's what the Pix is talking about! Hello leopard print and your friends! And look at the expression on young Ms. Palin's grill. That's a sassy lassie. That's a look that says, "I got it going on". Unfortunately, this next look says:



"I'm Rachel Ray's body double in the upcoming movie, 'The Pear' ". Not good times. And....



"Bristol, we have Lawrence Welk on line two. He's hoping you and your sexually confused dancing partner would like to hire out on the next Carribean Cruise ship called the "Floating Fossil".

Do you see how confusing this is???? This bird has more looks than Oregon Ducks football squad. And what to make of this..........?



How did Bristol suddenly turn into a cross between Kelly Ripa and Gene Simmons?

Quick side bar.........



Pix says, "Bottom row? Yes, Yes, hell no, yes, no and of course. You know what the Pix is talking about. (Left to right you jack wagons)

Let's get to some rapid fire shots and see if it helps........












Ok, got it. Hot. Not scorching. Not white hot, but certainly and unequivocally and consistently doable. (Snuck that one by the censors) What's that? No on reads the Pix? I have no censors? Um, never mind.

Let's all just agree that Bristol is hot, ok?















DAMMIT, Bristol! The Pix needs closure on this. On the one hand, there is definitely some quality bone structure and nobody can say that she needs to visit the orthodontist. On the other hand......



The retarded hillbilly on the left could have put a ring on it and assured himself of 30 years of reality tv contracts. Instead he has decided to go back to Wasilla, get his G.E.D. and run for mayor. This should tell us something, no?

Ultimately, it all comes back to the National Football League. Bristol is the Houston Texans. No matter what year it is, she'll always find a way to go 8-8. And she should put the red outfits away. Just saying. Final final on BP....



Pretty much says it all, right? This photo is from DWTS this week. That, right there, is the face of 8-8. And a final lesson for the birds (because the Pix cares), Makeup is not always your friend.

Small break in for some football. This weeks public service message is to not gamble this week. The lines are murder. Having said that, the Pix will go for the 4 underdogs playing at home.

Denver +1 vs KC
Mia +2 vs Tenn
Cleveland +3 vs Jets
Chi +1 vs Queens.

For those of you who have needed a bathroom break to get through lengthy Pix this week, know that the Pix will be in L.A. next week selling his movie (it's a homemade sex tape) and will not be posting. In the meantime, thanks to some positive reader feedback (particularly from author Deirdre Shaw Gibson, author of "Love or Something Like It) it's time for another installment of quotes from Mike Shemaleshevski......



"The Pix just made me google "shemales!" "I didn't know those things existed!" I kind of find them intriguing!" "Why did the network cancel 'Knight Rider 2" so early!" "Someone put chocolate in my peanut butter!" "I don't want to go to bed right now!" "You said 5 more minutes!" "Yo Gaba Gaba isn't over yet!" "I should never have written those covered calls on Apple!" "Willow is hotter than Bristol, but I can't say that because she is a minor!" "But look!"



"She's hotter!"



"I'm not done with you yet!" "Who put this thing on my face!" "Don't tell anyone, but whenever I stumble upon 'You've Got Mail', I never change the channel!" "Even though that story is so dated right now, you know, because of the whole texting thing!"



"Watch me show you my sexy moves!" "This is me, um, you know!"



"I will hunt down the Pix and destroy him!" "Why isn't American Express running my ads anymore!" "You should never use tomato based products in cast iron skillets!" "It ruins the seasoning!" "When do you think the Pix will get tired of writing this post?"

Right about now, coach. Thanks for the good times.

Thanks for reading the Pix. Back in a few weeks.

Pix out.

Location:Parts unknown