Gluten Shmluten

So the Pix never has a good week after the Patriots lose as 14 point favorites. The Pats are the team that is supposed to make us forget about the radioactive colonoscopy that has been the 2012 Boston Red Sox......a team less likable than AIDS. In other words, the Pix is cranky. Here we go.....

Dallas -7 over TB. Jerry Jones doesn't get much wrong, but the website cowboys.com is apparently Match for gay dudes. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just don't think Jerry should have skimped on the domain name thing while handing out multi year contracts to the likes of Felix Jones. No truth to the rumor that the "Romosexual" chat room on cowboys.com is the most popular.

Vikings +7 over 49ers. Is anybody else getting sick of Jim Harbaugh? Because he's kind of a poseur. He strikes the Pix as the kind of person who would eat brown rice sushi because white rice has a molecule of gluten in it. Here's a little public service announcement from the Pix.......a cup of white rice contains 242 calories....216 for brown rice. The guess here is that the average bird consumes about a half a cup of rice if she's on a major chardonnay and shrimp tempura roll bender. So for the price of 13 calories you can have delicious rolls of white rice sushi or you can choke and gag your way through the most vile food stuff since Bird's Eye frozen vegetable medley with extra lima beans. Birds, never forget that the Pix is looking out for you.

Redskins -3 over Bungles. So C3P0 came back to earth last week and gave it up to the Lambs. In his post game press conference r2d2, who has been in the league precisely 2 weeks, called the Rams a dirty team. Again, NC17 seems like a nice young fellow, but you don't see newly ordained priests tell the Pope how to conduct a multi year pan continental child sex abuse cover up after just two weeks. Get a hold of yourself 7up.

Buffalo -3 over Cleveland. Talk about a sexy matchup of two hot teams and two hot towns!! The Pix can't figure out how this isn't the Sunday night game. Maybe they can get Paul Ryan to handle the coin toss and completely blow the top off this circus.

Arizona +3 over Philly. Can we go back to brown rice sushi for just a second? The Pix mentioned the word gluten back there and it just seems to the Pix that lots of birds are obsessed with gluten free diets these days. Now the Pix doesn't like to pick on the birds TOO much, but, um, it just seems like we've been here before. Atkins, the Zone, acai berries, Dukan.... lots of diet trends (won't call them fads, that would be rude, Pix doesn't like to be rude) have come and gone in the past decade.....it just seems the glutenistas are a really serious crew. These days the Pix can't browse a culinary periodical in search of a new tasty dish without glutenmania hijacking the whole thing. The Pix just has one question, for the last 10,000 years the most ubiquitously and consistently protein consumed by humans has been gluten. How come it's more poisonous than battery acid all of a sudden? Anyone? Bueller? Ok, let's just move on.

Miami + 3 over Jets. Brian Hartline is the Pix' new favorite Dolphin (there wasn't much competition). Asked by the media this week about facing the Jets, Hartline went into a rant about how Tim Tebow is Kim Kardashian (has he been reading the Pix?). Someone without a discernable talent but is famous for being famous. Hardest thing about not writing the Pix last season was watching Tedashian get slurped by the media for going 3-17, 96 yards and 2 picks. Stay tuned for more Kim Tedashian bashing in this space.

Indy -3 over Slaguars. Almost to the finish line......speaking of being famous for being famous, Monica Lewinsky just signed a 12 million dollar book deal for a tell all about ol' Billsies. Evidently she will reveal the shocker that Hil and Bill had a sub par sex life. Really? The Pix was sure the Clintons had a trapeze and gravity boots in the Lincoln bed room and hosted swinging parties with Al and Tipper (and James Carville in a donkey mask). What tipped Mon chi chi off? Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones? Kathleen Wiley? Juanita Broaddrick? Hillary's face? The Pix has a tell all book to sell with shocking revelations such as: The Guru is the greatest coach EVAH, Pix likes deliciousness, Pix likes the Patriots, TB and Giselle are a moderately attractive couple who the Pix would like to hang out with. Where's the 12 million?

Patriots +3 over Rayvens. Yes, the Pix spelled it that way on purpose. Has anyone seen the new Subaru add (google it, it's called "moral support")? It's atrocious, egregious, outlandish, and makes the Pix want to take back the 5 cents he donates to UNICEF every halloween. Here's the deal.....some hipster dweeb driving a Suburu is following his marginally attractive bird friend, or even worse, wife (who is evidently in a bike race against no one....she has the spanx and the number on her chest but nobody else is in the race) and skipping ahead to places on the "course" where he has hand painted signs of encouragement. What bothers the Pix isn't necessarily that this geek is more whipped than Skip from "Family Matters", it's that whomever cast this commercial found the one bird in the country who rides a bike worse than Michael J. Fox after a fifth of Smirnoff. The final scene has Skippy opening a gluten free pizza box with the words "you're gay" on the inside. Ok, the Pix made that up. He writes "I love you". Puh...lease.

Ok, Pix out of steam....have a great weekend and stick to white rice.

Pix out.