The dog whisperer getting sentenced, the Mitchell report, the Fed's rate
cut, the Jets coming for their sentencing....all big stories this week
to be sure. All, however, pale in comparrison to the earth shattering
news broken on the Drudge report yesterday, "Liza Minnelli collapses on
stage in Sweden". Liza Minnelli??!! What the...??!! Who pays money to
see Liza Minnelli!? What the hell is going on over there in Sweden?
Last time the Pix checked, there are Swedish babes in Sweden. What's
worse, apparently the fans started rioting upon hearing the show had
been cancelled. The Pix likes his Krone as much as the next guy, but
let it go Sweden. I'm sure you can get a credit for the next ABBA show.
Liza Minnelli's face is a modern art experiment gone bad. She looks
like a hammerhead on crack. She put the cube in cubism. Picasso and
Duchamp would have stopped painting had they seen Liza and said, "wait,
that's it, that's what we were going for!" Liza's face is the reason
Judy Garland did drugs. I know that Judy was Liza's mom, but how does a
woman who looked like Judy Garland spawn such a piglet? She looks more
like the lovechild of Tammy Faye Baker and Edward James Olmos (look him
up...ok, welcome back). And her voice sounds like Fran Drescher being
caught in a beaver trap. Forced between having relations between Liza
Minelli and the dude who played her dad in "Arthur", I'd choose....well,
Liza, but it's closer than it should be. I know it's dark for like 22
hours a day in Sweden this time of year, but there has to be a better
answer than that heinous battleaxe. Please, Sweden, for the love of God
and all that is holy, get ahold of yourselves. The Pix.........

New Pix policy for this time of year (since I know no one reads actual
football picks anyways), only relevant games warrant commentary.

Cinmates -8 over SF. Game matters due to niners draft pick belonging to
Pats. Mike Nolan's team is more dysfunctional than EYC council. Or for
the out of town folks, the Lohans.

TB -14 over ATL. Not for nothing, but if I'm Arthur Blank (owner of
Falcons and largest shareholder of Home Depot), I spring for the Jerry
Jones plastic surgery. Police up that beak Arthur. Carl Malden thinks
your nose is too big. (I know he's dead but Jimmy Durante is more
dead).

Cleve -5 over Buffalo. Another juicy story from this week was that
Michael Flatley, "Lord of the Dance", won his rape case vs the stripper
who got impregnated by Brian Urlacher. Then he counter sued and won 5
million in damages. Aside from the fact that this makes him "Lord of
the Countersuit" just as much as the dance, how does one become "Lord"
of anything? I think it's a self nickname thing. I would heretofore
like to be called , "The Pix: Lord of Deliciousness".

GB -8 over Rams. Pix currently looking for any genealogical connections
between Breet and Liza Minnelli. So far can only link her up to Gerard
Depardieux, Paula Poundstone and Methusela.

Jax +4 over Turd. Thanks to the weather, the burglar won't be getting
kicked in the scrotalia this weekend by the Pix and the Player. He
will, however, get his ovaries smashed in by the Jaguar d line.

Det +12 over Ladudian Tampon and the Phillip Rivers eunuch choir. Was
looking for Shawn Merriman's name in the Mitchell report. I guess this
is as good a time as any to bring up Clemens and Roids/HGH. Hold on,
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhhahahahhahahah........uhuhuuhuhuuhahahahaha
hahhahahahhaha. Ok, that felt good. Did he really think no one was
going to notice? Then again, this is the same man who said he chose
Toronto over Boston so he could spend more time with his family (in
Texas). What a stain. What a fraud. What an ignorant, arrogant piece
of garbage (Translation, typical Yankee, sorry Gal). His lawyer's
response last night was even more pathetic. Stating that there is no
evidence Dodger ever used steroids. Um, there's no evidence I've ever
had a can of deliciousness in my life either, but I'm pretty sure people
know I did. At least Petitte's attorney was smart enough to tell his
client just to keep his mouth shut. Oh, yeah, that's because he's still
playing. Will be interesting to see how he pitches this year off the
juice. No wonder he so strongly considered retiring. Let's just add
the Yankees up for a moment. Giambi, Sheffield, Stanton, Petitte,
Clemens.....anyone other than Torre and the Gerbil not on the juice?

NY -4 over Wash. Holiday commercials.....it's bad enough that Lexus
thinks I'm going to buy the official wife a car this year and they keep
taunting me about it, I got an email from Beazer homes the other day
entitled, "Unwrap an new home for the holiday's. Final week." Um,
we're starting to look and everything, but for Christmas I really had in
mind a pair of Ughs and some pajamas for the little lady. Maybe even a
coupon for a sheet lift during a Dutch oven. Lexus, Beazer, guys, why
don't you go join Sweden in a "time out"? Check yourselves before you
wreck yourselves.

Jets +24 over Pats. Look, the jokes have been made. The story line has
been beaten worse than Ike Turner and James Brown's ladies. Nobody
covers 24 points in a blizzard/rain/wind storm. Except, maybe.......a
disgruntled Guru, perhaps? Remember in "Remember the Titans" when
Denzel Washington tosses a banana at the opposing coach in lieu of a
post game handshake? That's what the Guru should do. Walk by
Manjobless and simply toss him a camcorder and a pink slip. Last week
the Pix missed the exact score against the Turds by 3 points (34-13 vs
31-13). This week final score, and yes I'm now taking the Pats. NE 27,
Manginajudasjobless and his merry band of Jets 0. As in 0.00. As in
Blutarski's GPA for the fall semester at Faber.

Enjoy the snow everyone, Pix OUT.