And the 2007 Sportsman of the year is.........Oh, dear God. Sweet fancy
Moses. Son of a Motherless goat. It's Beelzebub himself. The
Anti-Christ. Satan. Yea,verily, the similarities between Breet and
Lucifer are too plentiful to ignore. And this latest sign of the
impending apocolypse (Breet on the cover of SI)is unsettling to say the
least. According to most Christian sects, Satan started out as the
highest of all angels, the brightest in the sky. Similarly, Breet's
early years were fairly legit (1 earned MVP. Two bogus). But then
Satan's pride overcame him as he failed to bow to God and sought to rule
the heavens himself. He tempted Eve throught he Serpent (Peter King)
and was identifed as the accuser of Job (Tom Brady). Indeed, one can
see Breet's pride wash over him as he roots against his own backup
quarterback on the sidelines and when he pretends to retire every year,
shedding crocodile tears after the last game knowing he will simply wait
until the slurps reach their crescendo and he returns. In the book of
Revelation Satan is cast into a lake of fire. The pix couldn't find one
of those so we'll have to settle for something similar. A "Door down"
should do the trick. Also known as the "blue pushup", the door down is
when someone enters the port-a-potty and you tip it over, door side down
so the victim can't escape. This is where Breet belongs. The Pix...

Oak +10 over GB. Speaking of the port-a-potty, is there a worse feeling
than having to play an "away game" and your only option is the blue
closet? Other than having to worry about potential door down scenarios
(especially if you are at Foxboro), you always find yourself (no matter
how hard you try not to) sneaking a look into the bottom of the pit and
then have to fight off the urge to puke. Good times.

Cleve -3 over Manjobless. While we are on the topic, Manjudas is
looking a little "backed up" on the sidelines these days. Being a
preseason playoff pick and then skidding to a 3-9 start will do that to
you. The stain of the Jets' season can't be wiped away.

Indy -9 over Baltimore. This away game will be much more comfortable
for Indy than when the Pix had somewhat of an emergency at the Salem
Diner. Oh, and row #31 on US Air from Boston to Pittsburgh?.....wicked
sorry.

Ohio St +13 over LSU. Don't even know if this is the spread, just
wanted the opportunity to use the word bowel season, er, bowl season.

No -5 over Atl. The dog whisperer get's senenced this Monday. The Pix
remembers the first time he saw a jail cell. It was on a school field
trip in the 3rd grade (we now know that it was an excuse for THE MAN to
fingerprint us all) and the single biggest deterrent there was the
"facilities" being out in the open. No door. No toilet seat. The Pix
would not do well in prison.

Dallas -10 over Detroit. Best consumer improvements of the last
decade....the 30 pack, HD television, Charmin with Aloe.

All other games meaningless.

Pats -13 over Turd burglar. How fitting. We finish with the man whose
nickname somehow became the theme for this week's Pix. The Burglar is
only slightly less overrated than Beelzebub. If it weren't for the
refs' fisting Seattle in the Superbowl and taking the attention away
from the Turdburglar's disastrous performance, we would all simply know
him as a dude who drinks like a Cossack and bounces his grape on the
pavement while taking a domeless rice rocket ride. Not helping him any
this week is the rookie db who "guaranteed a victory" for the mini
turds. Pathetic. The Guru owns the Steelers (5-1 in last 6 games) like
Hilary owns ugly. Pats 31, Turds 17.

Pix out.