What? You didn't think the NFL was starting? It has been a long and
mostly uneventful off season for both the Pix and the NFL. Rumors of a
certain quarterback coming out of retirement and changing teams
notwithstanding, the Pix has been fairly disappointed in the amount of
off-season unintentional comedy and shenanigans. Senator Craig seems to
have narrowed his seating stance. Paris, Lindsay, Brittany and the
girls have begun wearing underwear again and it appears Cher remains
retired. Hmmmm. What to opine on? What is there that the Comedy Gods
can give the Pix? Oh yeah....Gov Sarah Palin.

I know what you are saying. "Don't do it, Pix.""Don't get
political."Don't bring religion into the mix."I know. You are right.
But the Pix wouldn't be the Pix if he didn't get to throw a curve ball
now and again. As important as global Jihad against pickles and CVS is,
we need to focus today on one of the strangest political moves made in
our lifetimes; the selection of Sarah Palin to be John McCain's running
mate this fall.

Before we go any further, a little disclosure. The Pix is a pretty hard
core conservative who twice voted for Dan Quayle for Vice President.
And I'm sure young Sarah can spell Potato. In addition, the VAST
majority of source I will be using for this rant comes from Wikipedia.
In fact, NPR is vetting a story right now that someone from Palin's
staff edited large amounts of her WIKI bio within fifteen minutes of her
selection. So they have seen and are ok with whatever is up there. One
more thing....the Pix does not think he is Christopher Hitchens or
Maureen Dowd. And we'll get to football eventually. It's just that the
Pix has a feeling that these next few months of campaign will be more
like a MTV real world/road rules reality tv show than a robust political
contest. And the Pix loves him some reality TV.

Let's break Sarah down Pix style, shall we? Beginning with her
qualifications.......alright then. No, really, she's done a lot. Head
of the PTA, really good high school hoopster, beauty pageant runner up
and part time sports reporter for less than a year in Anchorage.
Graduated college in 5 years from Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho
College and finally the U of Idaho. Has been governor of America's
emptiest state for less than two years and was mayor of a town that is
less than half the size of Marblehead. Seriously, go and Google
Wasilla, Alaska. Go to images. See the town hall? Welcome back. It
must be nice to be able to pick up a slurpy, slim Jim and hog book while
you stop by to vote on the latest town budget override. Here's a quote
from Wikipedia, "In 2002 term limits prevented Palin from running for a
third term as Mayor. Her step mother-in-law, Faye Palin ran for office
but lost the election to Diane Keller after Sarah Palin endorsed Keller,
her cousin." What the?...? She endorsed her cousin over her step
mother-in-law? In related news, Sheriff Taylor endorsed Aunt B, who
lost the election to Floyd the barber after it was discovered that B's
campaign spokesperson, Goober, misappropriated funds from Opie's paper
route.

More political hijinks and tom-foolery....In 1997, Palin fired town
librarian over book titles that were "somehow morally and socially
objectionable." Worth noting here that the townspeople went ballistic
and Palin had to re-hire the librarian. Also worth noting that this
scene is eerily reminiscent of John Lithgow burning books as the mean
and half crazy pastor of some backwater church in Bomont. What, you
never saw "Footloose"? Everybody cut loose....footloose, ok, sorry.

Back to Palin. According to the New York Times, "Palin has traveled
very little outside the States. In July, 2002 she had to get a passport
to visit troops in Kuwait. Her spokesman, Bob Perritt, states that she
has also visited Canada." Um, so she's got that going for her, I guess.
Here's another gem from Wiki, "McCain's spokespeople point to her role
as Commander in Chief of the Alaska National Guard. Major General Craig
E. Campbell, immediate commander of the Alaska National Guard states
that Palin has no role in national defense activities relating to the
Guard"......but she HAS been to Canada, Right?

Listen, the Pix loves John McCain. Read his book. Voted for him over W
in the 2000 primary. But what's going on with Maverick? First he
forgets how many houses he owns and then he finds a running mate more
obscure than Oulan Bator and further to the right of the ancient ruler
of said region. Sarah Palin is kind of cute in a Tina Fey after several
cheeseburgers kind of way, and I'd love to party with the bird. Really,
Moose burgers, snow mobiles, hunting....sounds fun. The Pix just isn't
sure she, Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse and Roscoe are ready to break down NATO
treaties or lack thereof with Putin and DimitriMedvedev. Particularly
after she said she hasn't been really focused on "what's going on in
Iraq" and couldn't accept the nomination until "someone tells me exactly
what it is the Vice President does". The Pix isn't sure either, but it
has something to do with being ready on day 1 for something more than a
sewer zoning variance for the new town hockey rink. Just Sayin.

Then there's Trooper gate. For the sake of brevity, because this has
gone on much longer than the Pix had intended, she fired a state safety
official because he refused to fire a trooper who turned out to be
Palin's soon to be ex brother-in-law who was involved in a messy divorce
and custody suit with Palin's sister. Not to be confused with this
classic. "Um, He's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's
brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid whose going
with a girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 flavors last night. I guess
it's pretty serious."

Anyhoo, the Pix....

Giants -4 over Skins.

NO -3 over TB.

Phi -7 over St Louis.

Jets -3 over Mia. You may have heard, the Jeets have new QB. More on
him next week.

Pats -16 over Kc.

Pitt -7 over Hous.

Cinmates even over Bal-a-mer.

Atlanta +3 over Det

Seattle even over Buff

Tenn +3 over Jax.

Dallas -4 over Cleve

Carolina +10 over Norvil and Ladudian

AZ -2 over SF

Chicago +10 over IND

GB -3 over Minn. This one's for the Walker boys. Who have had a tough
offseason.

Oak +3 over Donkeys

That's it. Pix week one is in the books. Next week...more jihad list
and futile attempts at sophomoric humor. Maybe some crude gender
related insults. In other words, more tradition.

As always, please feel free to reply to he Pix but never reply to all.
Fidelity doesn't like it and neither does the OC (Ovarian correspondent
for those who need a reminder). That's her domain. Enjoy the opening
weekend of NFL action. The Pix will be in the new official home with
official wife, children and friends with level 3 Pix clearance (anyone
with a 12 pack).