Before we begin with week 3, the Pix has a few housekeeping items to go
over. Item #1 is the distribution list. There isn't one. The Pix is a
retard and doesn't know how to properly use Outlook. In addition,
Outlook will occasionally drop a name or several and then the Pix gets
hazed for "leaving me off the list". It takes the Pix longer to go
through the names above than it does to write the freaking thing. Over
the last few years the Pix has been asked to add names, and for whatever
reason it's 3-4 new ones per week now. Trust me, I appreciate you all
forwarding these to your friends and the (sometimes) flattering things
people write me. The Pix loves it. I just don't have the time to add
more names. A few people have told me to start a blog. I'm on the
fence. The thing is this is fun for me and I don't want to feel
obligated to write or spend more time than I already am. Plus, the Pix
reads blogs (barstoolsports.com). It's a different level. When the Pix
started out it was 10 minutes a week. Now it's more like an hour. The
Pix isn't sure how many more jokes about pre stroke grandma Walton,
Cher, Breet and fermented cucumbers there are left. Anyway, please
continue to forward these if you want and please enjoy them.

This weeks theme is one that is near and dear to the Pix.
Deliciousness. For those not new to the Pix, the D word means Budweiser
or some appropriate liquid intoxicant consumed while observing the
National Football league. FOTPs also know the Pix likes to maintain a
strict viewing schedule and can usually be found in 1-3 top secret
locations. While the new and improved Pix Place is under construction,
it is more and more likely that the 2008 season will see the Pix viewing
games beyond the normal comfort zones of his limited universe. These
are known as away games. And they are unfortunate. Not only does the
possibility of facing digestive challenges (lack of fan, small bowl,
lack of Charmin with Aloe) arise, an even greater danger can appear.
Lack of appropriate deliciousness. Quality and quantity.

The whole situation reminds the Pix of a wedding during the 90's. After
skipping the ceremony and heading directly to the bar, the Pix was
confronted with one of the most terrifying sights known to man. A
situation so desperate and dire that months of therapy still couldn't
erase the trauma. The Pix refers, of course, to the Amstel light and
Heineken bar. Scandal, shame, pestilence, gender equity.....nothing
holds a candle to the hideous, deplorable and unconstitutional Amstel
light and Heineken bar. The Pix would rather be charged 8 bucks per can
of Fresca for the evening than drink one free bottle of the devil twins
of Euro-pee. Which leads us to the point of all of this........if by
chance the Pix winds up in one of your houses this season for his
viewing pleasure, please use this list of beverage do's and beverage
don'ts.

1.Budweiser. AKA deliciousness. Lots of it. 38 degrees please.
Preferably the new bottle can. Thank you, please drive through.

2. Miller Lite. Only acceptable since it is the official beverage of
Jefe and Mr. Vegas. It's a guest beer. The Pix will drink it in a
beverage emergency. Quick tip: If you only have 6 Miller lites and 6
Buds, drink the ML's first. One can't possibly go from nectar to
average product.

3. Gin and tonic. Lovely. Delightful.

4. Any foreign beer. Nein. Nyet. Never. Get that week cheese out of
here. Recently the Pix has noticed several people drinking Stella
Artois. What the??? Is it Italian? Belgian? What the hell is that
stuff? It tastes like a skunk sprayed some lobster bait. The Pix will
drink it in a pinch, though.

5. Coke. Perfectly acceptable. The original official non alcoholic
beverage of the Pix. Delicious on ice in a tall glass with a grilled
ham and cheese and some Pringles. Nice little pre-game snack.

6. Ginger Ale. Also acceptable. When the Pix was a child on Sundays
trying to avoid religious services so he could spend some time with
Brent, Irv, Phyllis and Jimmy, he was known to feign a slight illness or
two. Said malady would normally result in optimal couch real estate
being claimed with the added bonus of the less smelly afghan and copious
amounts of bubbly ginger ale. Not until the obnoxious 60 minutes
commercials began airing did the Pix relinquish pole position on the
couch. Good times, indeed.

7. Bud light. Meh. Yawn. Several former deliciousness drinkers have
crossed over to the watery version lately. The Pix is not impressed.
Man up and drink the high test for goodness sake.

8. Coors light. The Pix recently read that Coors light was responsible
for half the teenage pregnancies in New Jersey. That said, the Pix
finds the silver buddy the closest tasting beer to the King. Final
verdict: acceptable. The Pix....



10-4 last week. 22-8 on the season vs. the spread. For entertainment
purposes only.

Atlanta -4 over KC. What a lame match up. Why is Larry Johnson whining
again? What's his beef this time? Go enjoy an Amstel light, Larry.

Arizona +3 over Washington. The Pix has a soft spot for the Cardinals.
Goes back to Jim Hart and Terry Metcalf. This game should be a half
decent road test for Arizona. Jury is still way out on Jim Zorn and
Jason Campbell.

Tenn -5 over Houston. Gonna ride the Titans until they don't pay.

Buffalo -9 over Oakland. Ditto the Bills. The Pix hopes they show
shots of Al Davis up in his box drooling and snarling with his greasy
stringy hair and yellow uncut fingernails. He looks like a cross
between Howard Hughes when he barricaded himself in his house and the
old lady landlord Woody Harrelson had to get with in "Kingpin". That
scene may have been more disturbing than Ned Beatie and Jon Voight's
little party in "Deliverance".

Chicago -3 over Tampa. Let's give the Bears one more week. They should
have covered last week in Carolina, Boog.

Panthers -3 over Minn. Tavaris gets benched. What a pitiful
performance last week against the Colts.

Cincy +14 over Giants. The Cinmates have to play a desperate game here.
Their season is on the line. Me thinks the Giants will have a little
let down against a seemingly toothless opponent.

Denver -5 over Saints. This line seems off to me. Shouldn't the
Donkeys be giving like 9 here at home?

San Fran -4 over Det.

Rams +10 over Seahawks. Poor Seattle. If San Diego (according to Ron
Burgundy) is German for a female part of a whale's anatomy, Seattle is
Pawnee for the other end.

Cleveland +3 over Baltimore. See Cincy vs. NY. If the Browns lose this
their season is over.

Philly -3 over Pitt. Eagles could have a Monday night hangover, but the
Turd Burglar has a sore wing and a soft grape.

Jax +6 over Colts. Anyone catch the latest Viagra commercial? The one
where the dude throws the remote control out the window and waltzes to
the bedroom? Note to Pfizer.....you never, Never, NEVER disrespect the
remote. Why don't you just have a bunch of guys sitting in room
drinking Amstels, burning the American flag and bad mouthing John Wayne?
If I'm running Cialis add campaign I'd immediately run an add showing a
guy walking by the same house, picking up the remote, beat the other
dude with it and take his woman. Then he can tell his lady to chill
while he finishes watching the game because, um, he's got like 4 hours
right?

Dallas -3 over Packers. Over/under on Jessica Simpson
references......12. Over/under on Breet references......112.

Speaking of....Jets +10 over Ladudians. How delightful was last week?
Breet throws a juicy pick and my man Matty Cassell manages a tidy little
game. If Breet can't cover a 10 point spread in a must win game then
he's in for a long season. Wait, he just retired again. Wait, he's
coming back. Wait....

Mia +13 over Pats. Relax. Of course Pats win, but the days of them
covering two touchdown spreads is over for this season. Pennington
usually plays well in Foxboro. So do the fish. Pats 27, Mia 17.

Not a lot of humor this week. Not a lot of humor in the financial
markets. But the Pix must go on.....just like good old #1 Bernie
Carbo.

Pix Out.