For a very long time now, it's been generally accepted that the word police could confiscate vernacular from the good english speaking citizens of America and that there was very little we could do about it. "Retarded" became "slow' and then "intellectually challenged". The "Chairman" became the "Chairperson". In general, any descriptive reference to race, gender, religion, size (there are no midgets, just height challenged folks) or any other category used to describe, well, anyone, became taboo. In some instances, the Pix understands that a euphemism is preferable to the more raw descriptive language. The Pix is particularly understanding when it comes to words used to describe the homosexual community. Let the record show that the Pix is pro gay marriage and pro any other manner of civil rights that same sex couples and homosexual individuals are constitutionally and morally entitled to. Devoted readers of the Pix will even recall that due to ancestry involving the Greek isle of Lesbos, the Pix is, in fact, part lesbian himself. It's just that, well, The Pix misses the word "gay". Upon careful consideration and much study, the Pix is hereby declaring the word "gay" free game again and beyond the jurisdiction of the word police. After all, no child learns the word in the context of homosexuality. We just hear that things are "gay" and although there is a mild pejorative connotation, it's just not that bad a word. And it's really funny. For example:
Last Wednesday the Pix had a gay sandwich. It was a tomato, mozzarella and basil wrap with mint pesto. What made the sandwich "gay" was the obvious omission of seared animal flesh. Wouldn't a homosexual man think a "gay" sandwich should have extra meat? See? The Pix isn't here to offend anyone, just reclaim some good old fashion adjectives.
The very next day I was asked for my name and telephone number when I called the same sandwich shop and ordered a turkey club wrap. That's gay. You need my name and number? My name is turkey club wrap and my number is in about five minutes. Hang up the phone and make the Pix a sandwich.
Former South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond (or it could have been Jessie Helms from North Carolina. Some old redneck Senator....oops, sorry word police) is famous for saying "I don't know the definition of pornography is, but I know it when I see it". Well, the Pix isn't sure what makes something gay or not, but the Pix knows it when he sees it:
The Jets are gay.
The Tampa Bay Rays are gay.
Chuck Norris? Not gay.
Peeing sitting down.....gay. In shower, not so much.
Dark socks are gay.
Valentine's gay should be renamed gay day.
Texting is gay (stolen from "The Hangover")
France? Please.
Rocky and Apollo's beach hug??????? Pix going with not gay.
Venus gay, Serena not gay.
All new NFL uniforms since 1995.....gay. Including the flying Elvis.
Easter.....gay.
Boston Marathon.....the gayest.
Twitter.......gayest thing on earth. Ever.
The Pix could go on, but it's time to awkwardly segue to football. Let's just say that we are not done with random gayness here at the Pix. Pix' 2009/2010 preseason predictions:
NFC West:
Seahawks 10-6. Rebound year and a weak schedule
Cardinals 9-7. Pix predicted their rise last year, but Superbowl loser hangover is well documented.
49ers 7-9. Should have started Alex Smith.
Rams 5-11. Defense will be ok.
NFC Central:
Packers 11-5. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Vikings 10-6. Childress, aka Beeker from the muppets, can't coach. And is gay.
Bears 9-7. I worry about this one. They could be much better.
Lions 3-13. Pix' favorite NFC team. Too bad they stink.
NFC South:
Saints 10-6. Could be much better.
Falcons 9-7. Sophomore slump for Ryan, but Gonzalez a huge addition.
Panthers 8-8. Totally gay fan base. No alcohol allowed at tailgaiting.
Buccaneers 7-9. Just fired Jags, which is hilarious.
NFC East:
Giants 9-7. This division is a complete tossup.
Eagles 9-7. Should be entertaining in nothing else.
Cowboys 8-8. Yawn.
Redskins 8-8. All depends on QB. Defense is legit.
NFC Champs......Packers
AFC West:
Chargers 12-4. They are LOADED talent wise, but Norvil Turner is Norvil Turner.
Chiefs 8-8. Scrappier than most think.
Donkeys 6-10. McDaniels will be a great coach someday, but not this year.
Raiders 4-12. JeMarcus is French for lazy and not so smart.
AFC South:
Colts 11-5. Still the team that the Pix respects the most as a Pats rival.
Texans 10-6. D is legit. Shaub has to stay healthy. Lots of skill on O.
Titans 8-8. OVERRATED.
Jaguars 7-9. Will re-locate to LA in 2012.
AFC North:
Ravens 11-5. Could be VERY good.
Steelers 9-7. Luckiest team in history.
Cinmates 7-9. Don't tell anyone, but Pix actually likes Ocho Cinco. Could be a Patriot in the next few years. You heard it here first.
Browns 3-13. The Pix didn't forget about you, Mangina.
AFC East:
Patriots 15-1
Dolphins 9-7
Bills 8-8
Gay Jets 0-16
AFC Champs: Jets. No, wait. Patriots.
SB Champs: Patriots (does this even need to be said?)
There you have it. More details to come in Week 1 of the Pix. The gay preseason has been great, but starting in just a few weeks, the deliciousness will begin to flow in copious amounts at the official home of the Pix. Not for nothing, but Ben and Jerry's recently honored Vermont's legalizing gay marriage by renaming "Chubby Hubby" ice cream to "Hubby Hubby". The Pix would think that giving it no name whatsoever would say it all. Just call it "Ben and Jerry". Sometimes less is more, no?
See you all next week for the actual Pix, where another 65% season of picking against the spread is doubtful, but hopefully mildly amusing.
Pix out.
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