I REALLY dream of Jeannie

Normally the Pix restricts his television viewing to ESPN, the Food network and the History channel. The Pix loves sports, food and watching Hitler go down. Not neccesarily in that order. The Pix also loves HBO and mostly all of the series they have created over the past decade. The Sopranos, Deadwood, Rome, Curb your Enthusiasm, Trueblood and several others (especially Dexter on Showtime). Occasionally, the Pix will peruse some of the "late night" programming by accident. The phenomena that is free and readily available adult programming is really quite something when you consider. The Pix' generation may have missed out on the "free love" hippy and drug fun of the 60's and 70's and the "everyone make sex tape and post it on the internet" thing of this past decade. The Pix' generation was even hazed by the advent of AIDS and, pardon the pun, the explosion in mandatory condom usage. What we can't complain about, however, is the proliferation of free and diverse smut. The Pix won't even go into the role of the internets. What strikes the Pix the most from the standpoint of comedy and late night viewing is the wonderful titles given to the movies that appear on the "on demand" menu. What strikes the Pix as considerably less hilarious is the fact that Comcast shows the actual titles on the bill (according to acquaintences of the Pix). The following are a sample of some of these comical and occasionally unfortunate titles:

A Clear and Present Stranger
Titty Clitty Gang Bang
Saving Ryan's Privates
Bumfight at the Ogay Corrall
Diddler on the Roof
Ed's Wood
Field of Wet Dreams
For your Thighs Only
Forrest Hump
I Know Who you Did Last Summer (not to be confused with I Know Who You Did in the Bummer)
Inspect Her Gadget
Jurassic Poke
Lawrence of a Labia
Man on the Poon
My Big Fat Greek Woody
On Golden Blonde
Riding in Cars on Boys
Romancing the Bone
Schindler's Fist.........(that's wrong)
Star Trek: The Next Penetration
Sorest Rump
Sperms of Endearment
Tango and Snatch
The Empire Likes Crack
The Loin King
The Wadfather
White Men Can't Hump
Will He Bonk Ya in the Chocolate Factory
Humped back at Notre Dame
My Bare Lady
Ass Ventura
Mchale's Gravy
Sleeping Booty
The Rawshank Infection
What about Boob

And in the spirit of the post from three weeks ago, "You've Got Male"

Which brings the PIx to the title of this post. Of all the spoofs done in the adult film industry, how in THE HELL could they not make one about "I Dream of Jeannie". Starring Larry Hagman and the intergallactally hot Barbara Eden, the premise of the show is that a single dude in his thirties somehow wins the services of a young, hot, magical she beast. Did I mention that she is for all intents and purposes his slave? And oh, by the way, she has to bolt to her bottle if he commands her to. (By the way, remember the bottle? Go Google it. Talk about a "stabbin cabin") In other words, she'll do anything in the world he asks.....cook, clean, make home made beer, get naked etc...and then she has to dissappear the moment he gets annoyed because she gets a little chatty. Um, HELLO porn industry? Think there's enough material here that would be better than, say, "Maude?" And, really, silicone valley, no "Mary Tyler Whore?" C'mon, she was a single bird in the sexual prime of her life, worked in an all male newsroom, and socialized with those two sluts Phyllis (the first cougar) and Rhoda. Which brings us to our next list, titles of real movies or tv shows that could have been porn names:

Toy Story
Backdraft
Anywhere But Here
The Bone Collector
Gone in 60 Seconds
Any Which Way You Can
Howard's End
The Black Stallion
Three Men and a Little Lady
Shaft
Driven
Three's Company
Laverne and Shirley
The Waltons (you people are sick)


Ok, back to some "real" movie names:

Womb Raider
Batman in Robin
Throbbin Hood (Prince of Beaves)
Star Whores
Spankenstein
Swallow Hal
Fifty first Rapes (Drew Barrymore was really good in this)
Bang Hur
Blast From the Pants
Bone of Arc
Breast Side Story
Caddy Shag
Cockodile Dundee
Das Bootie
Dawson's Crack
ET...the Extra Testicle
Erin Yankyourdick
Eyes Wide Slut
Face Jam
Fast and Curious
Fill Bill
Fisting Nemo
Fist Full of Hollers
Gays of Thunder
Gleaming the Pube
Gods and Genitals
Hairy Porker and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin
Harry Pooper and the Sorcerers Bone
How to Bruise a Guy in Ten Ways
Lord of the G Strings: Dildo Saggins, the Throbbit
Lust in Space
Monty's Python and the Horny Gail
Poonstruck
Poke-a-hot-Ass
Position Imposssible
Romeo and Juliet and Juliet's Sister
Scooby Do Me
Sheepless in Seattle
Tea Bagger Vance
The Bare Bitch Project
The Brady Munch
The Count of Monte Crisco
The Legend in Bagger's Pants
The Princesses Ride
Tits a Wonderful Life
Tupac: The Erection
Titty Slickers
Turner and Hootchie
Wangs of New York
Where the Boys Aren't
While You Were Sleeping With Me
When Harry Wet Sally

What does this all have to do with football, you ask? Nothing. The Pix:

Last week, 9-6-1. Season total 19-11-1.

Tennessee +4 over Jets. The Pix is getting a little annoyed with the yapping Jets and their fat gas bag coach. A 3-0 start would have Peter King break out the knee pads for dirty Sanchez. Here's hoping the Titans can prevent that.


Packers -6 over Rams.

Lions +7 over Redskins.

Chiefs +8 over Eagles. The Chiefs are 0-2 against the spread this year. Me thinks the association whith the Patriots (Scott Pioli, Vrabel, Cassell) has Vegas overrating them. This week will be the last chance for the Chiefs to proove they deserve it.

Patriots -4 over Falcons. Let's face it, in his last three football games in the NFL, Brady has been the worst player on the team. He was missing guys last week like his name was Jamarcus. The Giants scheme from the game that shall not be mentioned is doing to the Pats what our scheme from the '01 Superbowl did to the Rams. It showed the rest of the league how to beat them. The Pats are officially on Pix' probation if they lose this week.

Houston -3 over Jacksonville. Have the Jags relocated yet?

Niners +7 over Viqueens. Here's the good news: the Niners defense gets after the quarterback. Breet took some hits last week from the Lions and the Pix is hoping this is the Week Breet winds up on his back more often than Jenna Jamison.

Ravens -13 over Browns. Do you know how hard it is to lay 13 points in the NFL? This is basically saying that the Browns are not a pro team. The Mangini watch begins in roughly two more weeks.

Giants -6.5 over Bucs.

Saints -6 over Bills. Drew Brees is KILLING it in Fantasy.

Bears -2 over Seahawks. Lock of the year.

Pitt -4 over Cincy. Lock of the century.

Miami +6 over Chargers. Ladudian Tampon better not get his ass in the end zone this week. The Pix is starting Lendale White and Larry Johnson over him in fantasy football. Let's just say the Pix needs a win this week or he might get dropped from the league due to a possible mercy ruling.

Broncos -1 over Raiders.

Colts +3 over Cardinals. Really? That's the line? Lock of the millenium.

Cowboys -8 over Panthers.

That is all for the Pix this week. For those keeping score at home, last week's answer re the fake story was the last one. Since NO ONE replied in the comments section despite something like 300 (and over 100 new) readers last week, the Pix will attempt to engage the reading public again. Please share a movie title that the Pix missed above. All valid answers will recieve I unit of liquid intoxicant and a public shout out from the Pix.

Enjoy the weekend and watch that cable bill.......Pix out.