Spanks for nothing

The Pix took some time off from beating his children recently and went online to peruse the internets for some potential topics on which to opine. There was, of course, the usual....Balloon boy, John and Kate, Letterman and his ho's, Steve Phillips and his most unfortunate choice of crazy fat skank to sabotage his life with. So pedestrian, such low hanging fruit, so bourgeois. The Pix knows that his four readers really want international intrigue or perhaps some existential exercise debating the merits of cultural relative morality vs. a quasi Jungian approach to religious mores. Or maybe more porn titles. As usual, the theme for today's post is totally random and spontaneous. It comes from 3 of the 8 headlines from Fox news Boston.....which the Pix was directed to in order to vote on the game of the week for high school football. The three story lines Fox was pursuing were asinine even by Fox's standards. Here they are:

1. An article about colleges cracking down on beer pong due to the swine flu. Really? Seriously? There's "fluid sharing" going on at colleges? Folks, listen, the Pix has been to college. Tried to break into one last week. As far as the spread of communicable diseases is concerned on college campuses across this great nation, plastic beer cups and ping pong really shouldn't ring the register. Maybe funnels, "trains", and throwing on some guys lacrosse shorts sans undergarments for the walk of shame. Beer pong? Not so much. The Pix played and was witness to roughly 6 million games of beer pong freshman year alone and never once did the Pix witness cups being cross consumed from. Pissing in the SAE's air vents? Perhaps. Feeding a large stray dog a 5 lb bag of Alpo with a little ex-lax and locking him in the SAE basement? Can't confirm nor deny. Paying our "little sisters" to bake some turbo-lax into the SAE bake sale brownies the morning of Greek Week? Um, guilty. But the unwritten rules of beer pong were and are to this day clear. Drink from thine own cup.

2. A gym in Marblehead caused a stir when the owner decided to hang a 12 foot American flag above the staircase. No shit.....this was a real news story. There were actual members who complained. Some threatened to quit. Ummm........don't let the door or my right foot hit you on the ass on the way out. Want to irritate the Pix? 1-hide the remote. 2-use filtering software on the internets. 3-Say anything about Breet other than you are going to put anti-freeze in his gatorade. 4-Act like a self righteous half enlightened putz by claiming that even mild forms of Patriotism are xenophobic or offensive. Dear Lord, don't get the Pix started. First of all, this is the gym that Chris Piper worked out in ......trained in every day he was home before and between active duty where he served in Delta force at various times in South America, Iraq and Afghanistan (where as most people know he was fatally injured by an IOD). The Pix has a strong feeling that the same asshats that object to the flag in a gym are the pretentious poseurs who have the green "Not on Out Watch" signs in their front yards referring to Darfur. As the Pix has noted before, these people couldn't find Darfur on a map with the help of Google. Not on their watch? The last time the Pix checked, the Chinese demand for Sudanese oil and their desire to remain out of the types of conflicts the West has become involved with marginally outweigh their fear of economic sanctions emanating from 3 families in Marblehead. You fucking poseurs. Don't like the flag in the gym? Want to cancel your membership? Good, the Pix just joined that gym today thanks to you and if the Pix hears you complaining about the flag you are going to get a Darfur sign right up your ass. By the way, the Pix is slightly tipsy as he types this.

3. An article detailing the perils and emotional hardships brought on children by raising your voice. The article was titled "Is Yelling the new Spanking?". Allow the Pix to answer that question. Um............................no. If yelling is the new spanking, then the official wife is far more into bondage than the Pix had known. Seriously, isn't spanking the new spanking? And doesn't it work really well? The Pix was spanked so much as a child by the official father that the old man felt there was too much padding on the ass and went with a belt to the back of the thighs. That smarted. And yelling? If getting yelled at causes emotional scarring, the Pix would have long ago been at the Post Office with an AK-47 and thousand of armor piercing rounds. As it is, the Pix saves those for the green sign gang. But let's allow ourselves to indulge in a little new age pussified word euphemism for a moment, shall we? Actually, let's not. Let's go the opposite way.....Here are some Fox headlines you may read when the Pix takes over the Boston affiliate.

Is staying out late with the boys at a strip joint is the new getting home early and reading scripture?

Are biscuits and gravy the new the new carrots?

Is slamming some one's face into their windshield for not turning on the blinker is the new honking?

Is "Piss off" the new "no thank you"?

Is killing Breet the new euthanasia?


Obviously, none of these things are true, except the last, but here is a small list of what is..

40 is the new 30.......until the Pix turns 50
The '09 Pats are the new '02 Pats (winning the super bowl)
Mark Sanchez is the new dirty Sanchez.
The '09 Yankees are the new '03 Yankees (they lose in 7)
Spankwire is the new Red Tube



Oh, football...........The Pix:

Houston -3 @ Buffalo
Dolphins +3 @ Jets
SF +14 @ Colts
Dallas -10 over Sea
Browns + 14 @ Bears
NYG +1 @ Phi
SD -17 over Oak
Tenn -3 over Jax
AZ -10 over Carolina
GB -3 over Vikings......LOCK OF THE MILLENIUM
Atl +10 @ NO

Pix out....