Dear Pix...

Most readers are already aware that the Pix is an expert on football, the internets, sandwich condiments and ancient Sumarian culture. The Pix is also considered fairly well versed in Asian currencies, American Presidents from 1804-1828, curing bed head, prison art and avoiding crowds, lines and traffic. What some readers may not be aware of, or even be surprised to hear is that the Pix is generally considered to be a relationship expert. The Pix hates to brag, but a trip or three around the old matrimonial pole tends to foster some major relationship skillz. Many a night the phone will ring or the blackberry will vibrate with someone, somewhere needing some emergency advice, Pix style. Therefore, in the spirit of matrimonial bliss and the general improvement of male/female relations......here is the first Pix advice column...all questions are real and have come from actual fop's. Names and places have been altered to protect the innocent.

Dear Pix,
I was recently overserved at a dinner party and was then woken up the next morning by my wife and kids at 9:30 am. What's wrong with this picture?
Signed, Dug from Marblehead

Dear Dug,
What's wrong with this picture? How about everything? First of all, the Pix requires 10 hours of comfy sleep starting at whatever time the Pix' head hits the pillow. It sounds like your woman is insensitive and doesn't care about your health. Not only that, what are the kids still doing in the house? They should be out raking leaves or getting a paper route. Good God, man. Get ahold of your situation pronto. My advice is to leave a note for the Mrs. with breakfast instructions and an approximate time for the meal is to be served. May I reccommend a #4 from the DD? Sometime around noon, I should think. That should leave you enough time to make any late fantasy football changes before the 1:00 games and to send the little lady to the liquor store in case you are running low on refreshing beverages. Needless to say, the remote should be properly placed on the left hand side of your breakfast tray and all shades should be drawn so that no devil sunlight will disturb your delightful repast.

Dear Pix,
Last Thursday morning I had to get dressed in a hurry for work. Sometime around noon I noticed that my wife had rolled one black sock with a navy blue one. You can imagine my disgust. How should I handle this egregious error?
Signed, Akky

Dear Akky,
First of all, I aplaud your patience and tolerance waiting for the Pix to reply before you acted. Although no one could have blamed you regardless of your response. The Pix, in cases such as these, recomends a sliding probationary scale for domestic injustices and disturbances. Improperly folding or matching the laundry is a serious offense. Fortunately in this case it was not mixing whites and darks together. For a first offense (which I have to suppose this is) I would revoke Oprah watching privaleges for one week. Second offense? Take away the car keys.

Dear Pix,
My wife and I live in a house with only one TV. Most of the time we watch what I want to watch, but occasionally I give in and let her watch an episode of "Grey's Anatomy". Should I just buy another TV?
Signed, Breet in Minneapolis

Dear Breet,
You have only one TV AND you let your wife choose shows? Why don't you just get a second job while your wife dates other men? Or even better, why don't you get on her facebook account and contact all her past boyfriends and set up a time when they can all watch "The View" and have a giant orgy? In the meantime you can go to the mall and buy her gift cards for endless massages and pedicures. Here's the Pix' advice: Put on your Jets jersey and walk into "The Triple OOO's" in Southie screaming that you voted for Obama and that Whitey Bulger liked dudes.

Dear Pix,
My wife and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary this month and I'd like to do something special for her. Any ideas?
Mr. Vegas in Marblehead

Dear Mr. Vegas,
First of all let me congratulate you on such a lengthy marriage. 5 years is a hurdle many couples struggle getting over. Now that you are clearly in such a secure place in your relationship, the Pix would argue that you are probably beyond the point in "trying" to impress the little lady any longer. Nonetheless, if you must, here's a few ideas for a special night out....first of all, pick a Thursday. ESPN usually has some decent conference football games on. You don't want to waste one of the "real" weekend nights on a date with your wife. Where's she going to go, right? Anyhoo, I'd say to hit "Hooters" for some wings and pre game beverages. Then head over to the "Fours" and get yourselves some good bar seats for the game. Preferrably on the corner so you can check out any hotties that walk behind her and not get busted. After the game, what say you take in some local dancers? Remember, Thursday is amateur night at the "Cabaret" and there is a nice little gift store next door for some late night entertainment. Be sure to leave your breakfast order where she can see it in the a.m.

Dear Pix,

Last Sunday my wife totally jinxed the Patriots by asking me what I wanted for dinner right when the ref called Leigh Bodden for taunting. Should I write coach Belichick and apologize? I'm afraid of the playoff tiebreak scenarios given that Denver is in our conference. On a related note, my wife is on TV probation and I have started her on a prescription of Uncle Wiggly's throat cream to help her not talk during games. Have I covered all the bases?
Signed, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

The world is broken into two types of people. Those who "get it" and those who don't. Clearly, Anonymous "gets it". The Pix wouldn't write coach yet, there's a chance the game won't have playoff implications. As for the other points, well played.

That's all the time the Pix has for this week folks. You know the Pix is all about romance and treating the ladies right. Given proper instruction, there's no reason a good wife can't consistently keep the ball between the goalposts. Please feel free to email the Pix with any relationship questions you may have. If you are in need of some personal instruction, drop by the Pix' house on any given Sunday and see how the Pix do.

KC +6 at Washington
Saints -3 vs Giants
Buccs +5 vs Panthers
Texans +5 vs Bengals
Steelers -14 over Browns
Rams +11 over Jags
Det +14 over Packers
Raiders +14 over Eagles
Bills +10 over Jets
Tenn +10 over Pats
Chargers -3 over Donkeys
Official wife +10 over Pix after reading this post


Pix out.