Curious calls

Boston sports fans have had a rough week. We've had to listen to local
and national media all week long badmouth the Guru for blowing the game
against our most hated rival. It was exhaustingenough to have to understand how the Pats blew a 3 touchdown lead in the 4th quarter....but adding to that fisting
was the knowledge that the Guru may have lost his fastball. In
addition, it's beginning to look like the blessings from the sports
gods over the last several years in Boston have all but dried up.
ShouldBelichick have punted? Not sure. The Pix kind of liked the call
at the time. What the media of course has failed to even mention once
this week is that if the refs give Faulk a better spot, the word
"genius" would be getting thrown a whole lot. Anyway, the whole episode
has left the Pix less inspired than ArianaHuffington at a Sarah Palin book signing. Whether or not one agrees or not disagrees with Belichick, we should all agree that the following items are even more curious....



1.
The people who bring their own bags to the grocery store. What the hell
is going on here? Since when did the answer to "paper or plastic?"
become, "no thanks, I brought my own." Really? Plastic too convenient
for you? Recycling paper bags not "green" enough?WTF ? What makes this
even more outrageous and, quite frankly, blew the Pix' mind is that
people actually have to BUY these queer bags. Holy poseurs, Batman.
Even worse, several months ago, the Pix opened the rear door to theshaggin
' wagon and spotted 10 of these completely gay "Market Basket" bags.
Evidently, the official wife is in on this fraud. Honey, if we are so
cost conscious that we are grocery shopping at Market basket then we
should probably accept their kind offer to supply us with complimentary
paper bags. Please and thank you.

2. Market Basket. For those readers unfamiliar with this grocery store chain, imagine a Cinco de
Mayo party crossed with the last few embassy workers fleeing Saigon in
April 1975 when that helicopter got pushed off the roof. Just bedlam.
In Spanish. Every time the official wife braves this trip and returns
with all 3 official kids, the Pix is amazed and relieved. Occasionally
on rainy weekends the Pix will take the official boys to Target to pick
up some toys and a little swine flu. Since Target is located right next
door to Market Basket, the Pix occasionally glances in the direction of
the mammoth beast and thinks ofKurtz'a last words from "Heart of
Darkness", "The Horror! The Horror!" Please, dear readers, stay away
from Market Basket and save thy selves.

3. Dudes in their 60's
who like to walk around nude in locker rooms. It never ceases to amaze
the Pix. Show the Pix a men's locker room and the Pix will show you a
flock of geezers swinging their junk around like it's anAARP nudist convention. Really? No towel
around the waist? Last week the Pix (while changing as quickly as
possible) had to listen to some fossil on his cell phone have a full
conversation with some unsuspecting soul while he put one leg up on the
bench and aired himself out in all his glory.WTF? Attention naked geezers, put down the cell phones and put on some skivvies.

4.
Worse still.......people who go to the gym who evidently have not
bathed in what must be weeks. This was a bad week for the Pix at the
gym. After surviving the naked caller, the Pix was minding his own
business when all of a sudden some foreign looking dude walked by
leaving a stench so thick that had I taken a picture of the air, I'm
pretty sure the scent would have appeared on film. This was the kind of
stench that is so powerful and stubborn that it refuses to leave the
area. It had the power of a million egg farts and a shelf life longer than uranium. There is no friggin
way possible this dude didn't know he reeked. Fortunately, the mystery
stinker left before the Pix became belligerent. If this olfactory
offender reappears, the Pix is paying for his membership to be revoked.
Here's a sample of the conversation that will occur the next time the
Pix and stinky boy cross paths.

Pix: "Hey Stinko, beat it. I'm serious, bolt, get out of here. You reek."
Stinks: "What?"
Pix:
"YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE GYM. I JUST PAID FOR YOUR MEMBERSHIP. YOU CAN'T
COME HERE ANY MORE. YOU SHOULD BE IN A MENTAL FACILITY."

I know
some readers may think that's a bit harsh, but do we not all share some
form of social contract with one another in civilized society? You
can't just go around running red lights, driving on the left side of
the road, starting fights etc....and smelling so foul that those around
you can not stand to be in your presence has to fall in there
somewhere, doesn't it? Wicked sorry, but the Pix is only after a
minimum of acceptablebehavior. Thanking you thanking the Pix. Which leads to another thing that stinks..........

5. The Jets. Not only can the Jets not wipe away the stench that Breet
left them with last year, their coach broke down and had a little cry
in front of his team this week to get them fired up for the Pats. Or to
get ready for Oprah's last season.....one or the other. Seriously, Rex,
you can't act like a big fat bully one day and then let your inner
daughter break out during a team meeting and sob like you just watched
the last scene from "Beaches". It's just not done, man. The Pats will
be fired up after last weeks unmentionable. Final score: NE 37, Jets 19.

Disclaimer: The Pix will neither confirm nor deny having seen "Beaches". The Pix has no idea what happened to Bette Midler in the end. Nor has he heard the song "Wind Beneath My Wings". Ever. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Pix out