Kooky Birds

As all readers know, the Pix has been studying the feline form for a long time and considers himself somewhat of an expert when it comes to "observing the herd". To say the least, they are an amusing gender. Normally, the kooky and silly ways of the ovarian society are best appreciated while taking in their behavior with a grain of salt and a small shake of the head. Girls will be girls, as they say. Lately, however, the hormonal herd has been a little more than normally off kilter. Irrespective of any lunar issues, several articles have popped up in the news that, in conjunction with not a few incidents on the homefront, have the Pix concerned and compelled to help out the matronage.

Johann Goethe, esteemed German writer, polymath and author of "Faust" famously wrote, "Ewig-Weibliche zieht uns hinan". Which as we all know, means "these beetches be krazy". Exhibit A....http://bbc.co.uk/2/health/8352711.stm. That's right, British birds are lining up at their surgeons offices to shell out $5,000.00 for labiaplasties. In other words, it seems camel toes are quite out of style in jolly old England. The NHS in England reports that there were 1,118 performed last year (an increase of 70%), however the true number is unknown since the vast majority of these procedures were performed privately. As Larry David would say, "Oy Vey Gishmir". It's bad enough that this generation of gals are drowning in tramp stamps and multiple piercings, the poor things seem so confused and desperate to please the hommes that when they are not mutilating themselves, they are busy posting self made sex tapes and appearing in "Girls Gone Wild" videos (which, incidentally, they appear in for free while a man named Joe Francis makes millions). Ladies, please, calm thyselves.

Exhibit B....earlier this week, the official wife, sister and Mrs. Vegas went out for a little birthday dinner to a local white tablecloth restaurant. Innocent enough, one might think. However, after getting their Chardonnay on and losing the official sister to some unknown malady, Thelma and Louise decided to cruise the north shore looking for any establishment that might still be serving some drinking damselles. What makes this anecdote worth mentioning is that of all the establishments they could have tried, they decided to go the G5. For the inernational readers of the Pix, the G5 is a men's only club where they serve dollar drafts to men seeking to escape the company of the fairer sex. It's not the type of place with a wine list, and this fact was clearly known by the sisters of sauvignon blanc. Clealy, princesses of pinot grigio simply wanted to gain access to the forbidden fortress. A place where sports and poker and pool are prevalent. Why is it that the kooky birds have been trying to break into men's clubs, pubs, forts, and secret gay societies since the beginning of time? Ladies, please, form thine own clubs.

Exhibit 3....Bachelorette parties. Have you seen what these things have turned into lately? Entire web sites are now dedicated to the zany antics of repressed butterflies seeking to one up whatever their male counterparts may or may not be doing on the stag party circuit. Let's just say the Pix has seen enough of these first hand to be frightened by the very idea of a bachelorette party. The Pix won't get too specific (one hates to cast aspersions), but on one instance the fiance returned with phalli made of every material known to man(the manganese one was weird) and the other with a sex tape involving the betrothed, the Harlem Globetrotters and a donkey. Fortunately for the Pix, the official wife went to a local homeless shelter and read scripture to the blind for her BP. If this generation of felines didn't have enough to live up to.......be a full time mom, have a full time job at same time etc...it seems as if they are trying to make up for 100 years worth of payback for bachelor parties. The Pix isn't sure who to be more afraid of, Muslims in the US military about to be shipped overseas or a score of crazed bachelorettes.... For the love of humanity, please, ladies, put your bra back on, the tequila shot down and step away from the bar.

We know, ladies, it's not fair. Remember the perfume commercial from the '70's for a product called "Angelie"?. There was some buxom brunette singing, "I can bring home the bacon..........fry it up in a pan......and never ever ever let you forget you'r e a man. Cause I'm a Wooooooman. Angelie". The Pix has no idea where he was going with this, other than it made me think of bacon and now you will be humming that tune the rest of the day if you remember it. Oh, yes, the Pix remembers.....he is here to help....

1. Do indeed, bring home the bacon. Preferably uncured without sulfites. Maybe a thick sliced applewood smoked little number to go deliciously with the 10:00 am medium fried organic free range chicken egg on sour dough Bays english muffin with shredded cheddar. Please and thank you.

2. Do not, however fry it up in a pan. Instead, place a cooling rack in your half sheet pan over a layer of parchment paper and bake at 350 for about 15 minutes. The bacon won't curl or burn and clean up will be a breeze. Thanking you, thanking me.

3. Never ever let me forget I'm a man. Um, shouldn't be too hard. Upon arrival home, provide the Pix whith a chilled martini glass straight from the freezer and fill said vessell with 2 parts Bombay gin and one part filth (olive juice). Two olives, one toothpick, no kids with H1N1 or full diapers and the remote. Pleasing.

There it is ladies, the Pix is here to help.

Football........only one game matters this week. Pats +3 at Colts. The Pix is a little nevous due to the fact that too many pundits are picking the Pats, but the Pix just doesn't see the Colts D sans Sanders able to stop Brady and co. You know the Guru only used half his playbook last week while euthanizing the Dolphins and will have some trix up his sleave for Indy. Let's say Patriots 41, Colts 30. An old AFC shootout.


Minor disclaimer.......all references to all above mentioned characters are purely fictional and are for entertainment purposes only. Except for DUG a few weeks back. He is real and he is very dangerous.

Pix out.