Random Randomness

The Pix has had a little difficulty getting back to the keyboard lately. After Marblehead Superbowl weekend, L'affaire Tiger broke and sucked all the air out of the blogosphere. Every morning we are treated to an Advent calendar style of fresh Tiger nip (trying to keep it PG here). The jokes write themselves, the Shaddenfreude is omnipresent and the whole sordid delicious deal continues to gather steam like Matt Evans on punt coverage. To complicate matters in a Pix blogging sense, the official wife and the Pix have some different opinions regarding the matter. While the Pix is outraged by El Tigre's behavior, the official wife thinks that a double standard should apply to athletes and their "transgressions" on a sliding scale based on how much money they make. For example, the official wife has come up with a matrix of acceptable misdeeds that she applies to certain classes of athletes/celebs.

Michael Jordan: The official wife thinks that Jordan (although recently finally divorced), due to his 6 rings and multiple endorsements, should have been able to "party" with multiple partners and that Mrs Jordan should have just known that that's life in the NBA.......National Booty Association. Naturally, the Pix could not disagree more. When not playing hoops, Jordan should have been juicing carrots, reading scripture and building shelters for migrant workers.

Charles Barkley: Here again, let's quote the official wife, "I don't care if Sir Charles runs around Vegas with his pants around his ankles waiving hundos in one hand and his 9 millimeter in the other (the Pix hopes she was referring to a pistol). What man in the world can resist temptation when it's thrown in his face 24/7? It's really not fair to the players........they are away from home so much." Alrighty then, let's just say the Pix has a more family centric philosophy.

Tiger: The official wife thinks that unless Elin can shoot 67 at Pebble, win at St. Andrews without pulling driver and collect hundreds of millions in annual endorsements, she should shut her yap at the least and buy Tiger the new LG3 text phone as an over due "I'm sorry" for bringing all this attention to her man. It's an interesting take, the Pix has to admit. Although the Pix adheres to a rigid code of conduct and is appalled by the official wife's liberal ideas, the Pix is willing to at least respect her opinions.

Moving on.......to the Pix' surprise, emails have been arriving complaining that not enough attention is being given to the NFL.......and.....well......picking games. So let's get to it. Each game will have the precise final score and a little randomness as well. Merry Christmas.

Dallas 31, New Orleans 30. This is a do or die game for the Romosexuals. The Saints are better off losing a game and this is the only one left on the schedule that should be close. In other new, WTF is Luke Wilson doing those horrible AT+T commercials for? Dude used to be legitimately B list. In addition to making a run at the "Alec Baldwin award for face being twice as fat as it used to be", the Pix hasn't seen anyone this disinterested in their job since Randy Moss vs. Carolina. Go make a movie, funny man.

Philly 24, SF 13. Speaking of commercials, I'm going to kick Regis Philbin in the ovaries. This whole "America's most convenient bank" bullshit is making the Pix want to rub his ass in barbed wire and sit in a bowl of gin. What's convenient about a bank? The Pix finds the dentist more convenient. That's why the ATM was invented, dipshits. Because people HATE going to the bank. By the way, TD Bank, you might want to google "online banking" before you spend millions of dollars paying Regis to hold the door open for the 3 fossils left who write checks and talk to tellers.

Arizona 38, Detroit 10. Holy easy money, Batman. A 12 point line on a game the Cardinals must have given their loss to SF last Monday. And didn't Detroit lose by 40 last week to Colby? The Pix has been following the nonsense in Copenhagen this week, by the way. Did you know that the rising carbon dioxide levels in the ocean are making Lobsters bigger? Given the choice between fewer polar bears and super sized lobbies, the Pix says "Pass the butter".

Houston 90, Rams 0. The Pix would like to officially thank Matt Shaub for having the game of his life last week and knocking the Pix (and thanks to you too, Mr. Brady) out of the double secret probation round of his fantasy football league. Fantasy football this year has been as much fun as getting shrivel dick in front of the hot 23 year old nurse before Dr. Nomoreswimmers does his thing.

Cleveland 12, KC 11. What a barn burner of a game. CBS should hire Shelby Scott to do color and hope for a hurricane. In related news, the Pix is watching FOX news....there's some mother missing. Here's a tip from detective Pix.......look in the husband's trunk. Is it EVER anyone else? Insert Elin jokes here...

Patriots 31, Buffalo 21. If we can't beat the Bills with an interim coach and backup QB, then let's just call the season off, shall we? And while we are calling things off, let's shit can "Dancing with the Stars". The Pix admits he watched season 1 five years ago because the girl dancers were smoking and I thought someone would wipe out, but it really is beyond pathetic now. I think some of the Z listers now on the show are Cora Beth Godsey and the guy who played Joe Isuzu, "Mr. Easy". The Pix doesn't want to see any more botoxed geezers with more work than an "Avatar" character do the fox trot while flashing their dentures at Kari Ann Inaba.

Baltimore 17, Bears 2. Hasn't it been fun this year watching Jake Cutler piss himself? Cutler redefines the parameters of smugness. Watching him throw game losing interceptions gives the Pix almost as much pleasure as watching you know who. Which brings us too.....

Carolina 2, Vikings 0. Breet throws 9 picks and retires/comes back at halftime. Breet says that when he thinks of "Wrangler", he thinks of value. When the Pix thinks of "Wrangler", he thinks of Brokeback Breet getting fanny raped by a score of meth crazed Eskimos wearing Peter King masks. Did I just say that out loud?

Tampa Bay 20, Seattle 3. Gotta hand it to the Seahawks defense last week. Holding future hall of famer Matt Shaub to 731 yards and 11 touchdowns was really a noble effort. Maybe if their uniforms weren't the color of my garage floor accented with spilled anti-freeze. Not for nothing, but kudos to the porn industry for wasting no time expoiting the Tiger situation. The same company that brought you "who's nailin' Palin" is set to bring you , "Tiger's Wood". "F" for originality by the Pix thinks they casted well.....except for the fact that Gloria Allred seems to be involved.

Chargers 27, Bengals 21. No jokes about the Bengals this week.

Green Bay 33, Pitt 17. Admit it, even though the Pats are having a bad season, it's mitigated somewhat by watching the Turd Burglar and his fellow turds bite the dust in Steeltown. After coach Tomlin said the team would "unleash hell" four weeks back, they have unleashed a fury of down pillows delivered by the kindergarten class at lower Bell. They have lost to Cleveland, Kansas City, the cast from the "New Zoo Review", Cinci, Nicole Ritchie and Oakland. At home. Woof.

Washington 17, Giants 16. Really breaking the Pix' heart to see the Giants take the pipe, too. And it seems like the hobbit, Daniel Snyder, has a new GM. Snyder goes through staff faster than Imelda Macos goes through red pumps. No? ok....Snyder goes through staff faster than Tiger goes through.......no? Too easy? One last try, Snyder goes through staff faster than Theo Epstien goes through shortsops? Forget it, it's too late and the Pix is on fumes.

It feel like we should wrap this up on a Tiger note. The Pix admits that Tiger has been naughty. His balls are, as they say, in the hazard. And all signs are that he is going to have to re tee. Something tells the Pix that he will survive, however. And Elin will probably find some way to attract another mate given that she will be worth 500 million and still be the hottest Swedish dish on the menu. And in the end, the Pix just wants el Tigre back on the links. Winning majors. Taking out the Golden Bear.......who by the way is a stiff. Tiger is the greatest athlete of this generation. From the standpoint of pure competition, he transcends Ali, Jordan, Russell, all the Mannings combined, Jeter, Gretsky....even Mickelson (please). Golf needs him. TV needs him. He belongs to the fans. And if the official wife is willing to forgive, even endorse him, then who are we humble sports fans to judge? So here's to you Tiger, as the Southwest Airlines commercial suggests, "grab your bag" and get back on the course.

Next week.....the official wife opines on Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, David Beckham, David Letterman and Silvio Berlusconi....

Pix out, enjoy the weekend.