Seattle Seahawks: From the most boring team in the NFL to the most boring man in America: Al Gore. So bore snore got off to a pretty good start this summer by punting the old battleaxe Tipper. Well played. But then we find out that old AL has been getting his Clinton on more than any of us could have expected. According to the National Enquirer, the former vice penisdent has a thing for milfy masseuses, and on more than one occasion attempted to give an executive order following a full rubdown to, "Take care of this". Zoinks. New meaning to "Bush vs. Gore", no? The Seattle woman who first filed charges called Bore a "sex crazed poodle". Looks like Al mistook carbon emissions with something else entirely. We all know Al was wooden, but didn't realize to what extent. The Pix will stay abreast of this story and will faithfully report any more developments. Oh, the Seahawks? Um.....9-7.
Miami Dolphins: So Liebron takes out a full page ad in the Akron Shit Wiper, or whatever newspaper they have for the thousands of losers in Akron, and doesn't mention the Cleve even once. Is this guy trying to get himself murdered? Dude, you do have to play a game in Cleveland this year, you know. I guess he could just pull a "Clemens" and ask out of starts against Boston or against NL teams (so he wouldn't have to actually hold a bat and maybe have someone throw at him). In other developments, Cheatbron's baby mama said she doesn't want to move with their 2 sons to Miami and will stay in Akron. I kind of like this bird. She knows that if she is in South Beach she'll actually have to witness the thousands of jump offs attempting to give HIVbron herpes on a nightly basis. Good move by her. The Dolphins? 10-6. Brandon Marshall can't be covered. The Pix is not looking forward to Chad Henne throwing jump balls to Marshall over the Pats' oompa loompa secondary.
Washington Redskins: Speaking of Lebron, did you know that the company, Fathead, who make actual size posters of athletes is offering the Lambron poster for $17.41? (they usually retail for 150 bucks). Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cavs, also happens to own Fathead and 1741 is the year Benedict Arnold was born. Delicious. Redskins? 7-9. The Pix is looking forward to seeing Donovan McNabb bounce ten yard outs into the dirt in a new city.
Tennessee Titans: Good lord the Titans are gay. Lets not talk about them. So has anyone else noticed people using the word "gay" a lot more this year? Like on TV? Hmmmm. Anyhoo, between prop 8 in California, Marblehead's own judge Toro writing his landmark decision regarding gay marriage and this last weeks events in the California judiciary, gay marriage has been on the front pages non stop for the last year. The Pix is familiar with the institution, and readers know well where the Pix stands on gay marriage......every individual in our society deserves the right to enter into a lifelong soul draining arrangement whereby you can only have sex with one person for the next 40 years or so while you both await the sweet release of death. But speaking of gay weddings, you know what's really incredibly gay? Straight weddings. Is there anything gayer than a bunch of men dressing up, an old dude crying and everyone dancing to YMCA? And the Pix loved the irony of Rush Limbaugh posting photos of wedding #4 for el Rushbo on Facebook today. You know who is in the first picture? Elton John. Not gay or anything....... Let's call the Titans 5-11, shall we?
Philadelphia Eagles: Shshshhh........ The Pix wants to keep this quiet so the official wife doesn't find out, but the Pix has a question for all his male readers........ Do any of your official birds have the odd gift/affliction of almost always emailing/texting when a conversation warrants the nuance and length of a phone call, and..........always call when a quick text/email would have actually worked much better? Anyone? Bueller? And has anyone's bird actually picked up the home phone this year? Is it just the Pix? So the official wife won't hold it against you, please email your answers to thepixs@gmail.com. Thanking you....oh, Eagles, phpht, um....8-8.
Oakland Gayders: See what the Pix did just there? Um, we have to talk a little football here, because the Raiders are the most important team in the NFL this year besides the Patriots due to the corpse of Al Davis and the ghost of Art Shell trading away their #1 pick in 2011. The departure of Robitussin (he got arrested for an addiction to cough syrup) Russell this year, the Raiders are no longer a lock for the cellar. Their D is more than legit, their division got easier (the Donkeys are a mess) and their skill guys are scary too. Wait, did you say their qb is Jason Campbell? Never mind. 5-11. Pats get 8th pick in 2011 draft.
New York Jets: An entry about asses for asses. We are all familiar with breast implants. Some of us are familiar with booty implants. We are all familiar with push up bras. But now the birds have done it and have covered themselves in even more glory. The Pix gives you, "The Booty Pop". Indeed, www.buybootypop.com The birds are now padding their panties with extra curves. And paying cash money. Not enough junk in your trunk? Step right this way and we can turn your Justin Bieber like hips totally Kardashian. Full disclosure..... the Pix is in favor of this. The Pix can remember a trend not too long ago when birds started buying jeans that compressed their keesters so much they all looked like David Bowie on a hunger strike. And lest you think these hip helpers aren't mainstream, #1 Bird undergarment retailer, Victoria's Secret has introduced the "booty booster". Same dealio. No official comment from Sir Mix-a-lot yet. Jets? They suck. But they will be 10-6.
Cleveland Browns: Allow the Pix to talk a little football. So after a lengthy and sweaty courtship, Mike Holmgren agrees to become president of the Browns. He then proceeds to retain Eric Mangina as head coach and sign free agent Jake Delinterception to be his primary signal caller. If one were a Brown's fan, one might not see the infinite wisdom of these two moves. The only analogy that comes to mind would be if upon assuming command of Afghanistan last month, Gen Petreaus called the President and said he was keeping the Taliban in charge of the north and had hired the ghost of Charles Nelson Riley and Joy Behar to head up black opps in the Hindu Kush. Then then Pix saw the strategy. The Walrus knows the Browns are going to be a disaster and so he pre-orders his sacrificial lambs for the 2010 post season. Well played, Walrus. Well played sir. 2-14.
Minnesota Vikings: So that wasn't too predictable.....Breet texts his team mates saying is going to retire, ESPN goes defcon 11, Breet says he didn't text anyone, he's not sure, bla, bla, bla, he poses as a census worker and murders a village, bla,bla,bla. 10-6. (Yes, he is playing). One side note on the Viqueens, the Pix has been pretty rough on Beaker, aka Brad Childress, in the past. The Pix may or may have not called him a porn stache wearing child molesting Breet sycophant. Or not, the Pix can't remember. But this past off season the Pix saw a show on the NFL network highlighting Childress' trip to Afghanistan. To surprise a special forces unit. And his son. There will be no more jokes in this space about Beaker this year..... or ever again.
Carolina Panthers: The Pix is considering ignoring all things Panthers this year. And maybe forever. Is there a less relevant franchise in any sport? It' s not that they are terrible every year, it's that they are egregiously boring every year. Quick, who is their starting qb?..........For those of you who said Matt Moore, you are both right and a little pathetic. Or you live in Charlotte (wicked sorry). Or maybe you are related to Matt. Either way, the Carolina area in general could use a little help. For starters, let's just combine North and South Carolina. The Pix went to college in NC and can tell you that there is really no reason for two separate states. It's muggy, there's a church on every corner and a fried chicken joint on the other. Maybe there's a local barber in case your mullett gets too long..... but you get the point. Let's say they'll be 6-10 and check back in with team Sominex in January, agreed?
Houston Texans: While we are consolidating states, let's add the Dakotas to the mix. Who would care, the 4 Indians juiced up on fire water in Bismark? Ok, that was racist. The Pix apologizes. but has anybody ever met anyone from a Dakota? What would you say if you did? Wouldn't the federal government save on mailing labels or something? Anyway, NFL pundits have been calling for the Texans to be a sleeper team for the last few years. The Pix agrees..... they put me to sleep. The only thing more predictable than the Texans blowing a 4th quarter double digit lead to the Colts is, well, nothing. Nothing is more predictable. The Pix predicts that the Texans break out to 8-8 once again. They belong in the same paragraph as the Dakotas.
Ok, that's roughly a third of the league. Back soon with the rest of the teams. Comments, complaints, questions and nominations for the Hall of Stain can be sent to the Pix new blog email address, thepixs@gmail.com. Over and out.
No comments:
Post a Comment