Mailbag

Dr. Pix,

Apologies for the "reply to all" violation last week. I now understand that if I want to comment on the blog, I should use the COMMENTS section at the end of each of your posts rather than clutter up the mailboxes of the poor slobs unfortunate enough to follow you. Although I suppose if they "followed" you, you wouldn't need to send out a weekly email.

Signed,
Multiple violators (Marblehead, and a prison in upstate NY)

Dear Multiple,

Apology accepted. Indeed, there's no real good reason to send out the email other than the fact that when the Pix forgets, there are complaints. You would be surprised. If the comments section were used more often (or, um, at all) it would soon become clear that there are lots of people who read the Pix who are much funnier than yours truly. One can hope.

Dear Pix,

Ever since you have begun to use imagery on your blog, your writing has gotten worse. Your grammar and syntax are sub par, and it seems you have just become lazy. Plus, relying on pictures of boobs and using potty talk is beneath what used to be some half decent writing. Clean it up or go to your room.

Signed,
Anonymous (parts unknown)

Dear Mom,

Please. You don't think I know that's you? Put down the Bacardi and diet coke and step away from the keyboard. Plus, who helped you log on? Printing out the blog posts and correcting them with your red pen and a putting a "D+" on it was quite enough. And leaving said corrections in the mailbox is not exactly the height of stealth. I know what your car looks like.

Dear Pix,

Pretty big game this weekend. I'm coming in with my boy Randy and we are going to ruin your weekend. Despite the fact that the press thinks I have a bad ankle, you know I'm going to play. Did you see me hopping up and down on the field last Monday after I thought we had won the game? And then limping off the field and using a walker to get to the podium for my presser? That's right, I'm faking it once again and the media is eating it up. Cue the slurpitation and enabling by BSPN for the next few days while they show endless replays of my game with a broken thumb, my game after my dad died, my game after Deanna's diagnosis, etc, etc, etc. I am the greatest warrior/gunslinger who has ever lived. Eat it.

ps, what's your cell number? I have a picture of something for you....

Signed,
Breet (Kiln, Mississippi: Minneapolis, MN)

Dear Breet,

I am fully aware that the douche bag express is headed to Foxboro this Sunday. Is the Pix ready? Not remotely. The Pix hasn't been this nervous since the Red Sox sent booze bag Derek Lowe to the hill for game 7 of the 2004 ALCS. Fortunately, that turned out ok. The Pix probably should not be allowed anywhere near a television for this event. Hide the women and children. Close the doors, lock the windows. Keep the Pix away from all sharp objects. If Breet comes into our house and lays one on the Pats, no amount of deliciousness in the world will matter. On the other hand...................if it looks like the Pats will win (and end the elderly sexter's career)......then there will be no better place on earth than the NEST. The Pix will declare a national day of celebration and all forms of tomfoolery will be on the table. Stand by for standing by....

Dear Pix,

Want to party? And who do you like this weekend?

Signed,
Charlie Sheen. (jail)

Dear Charlie,

Where to start? First of all, the Pix has to give you some credit. Getting your ex-wife to babysit the kids while you smoke crack and snort Bolivian marching powder with your $12,000 hooker in the adjacent suite is bold and original. The birds think you are a riot. As for the NFL this weekend:

GB +6 at Jets. The Pix thinks there is a good chance the Pack win this game outright. Good karma from vanquishing the great fraud should carry over this week.
Plus, the Pix thinks the bye came at a bad time for the Jets. They had a lot of momentum that is hard to maintain when you are idle.

Vikings +5 at Pats. Doesn't this line look wrong? A crippled Breet or an incompetent Tavaris Jackson at a place where Brady hasn't lost a regular season game since 2007.........and the line is only 5? Vegas knows something, and that something, the Pix is afraid, is Percy Harvin.

Dear Pix,

Because you are the best husband and father in the world, I am going to hire a babysitter to hand out candy while I take the kids trick or treating. You work too hard and are too good to me for me to imagine you not in the Nest watching the Pats/Queens while enjoying moderate amounts or liquid intoxicant. Oh, and I am throwing in some servers that I have hired from "Hooters" to serve you boys wings. And I bought a "special" costume for you after the kids are asleep:


Dear official wife,

First of all, that's the wrong team. Second of all, what about the rest of the day? Games start at 1:00. Am I supposed to be "parenting" for the the crucial lead up time to Pats kickoff? You do realize how important my pre game analysis is, right? And Hooters girls? 1999 just called and wants those outfits back? What about the Asian birds who give pedicures at that little place near the college? Can you check and see if they are free? Also, tv # 2 in the nest seems to have a bad cable connection. I left the ladder down by the garage this am so you can get up on the roof to check it out. Sound good? Super, good talk.

XOXO,
Pix

Dear Pix,

The Pix has jumped the shark. It's all about http://fakejohnnymiller.wordpress.com

Signed,
Fakejohnnymiller

Dear FJM,

Indeed, the blog is very well done. And the birds participating in "Big Break Dominican Republic" are legit (except for that one she beast). However, checkthyselfbeforeyouwreckthyself. It comes down to golf vs the National FOOTBALL League. Ok? Super then, good talk. Thanking you thanking the Pix.

Dear Pix,

Am I the most insufferable sanctimonious hypocrite in the world?

Signed,
Tony Dungy

Dear Tony,

Yes, yes you are. (But take the Colts -5 BIG this weekend)
GFY,
The Pix

Lastly, in the words of John Stewart........here's your daily moment of Zen....


Happy Halloween,
Pix out