Braised Bird

It was a relatively slow week for the internets. Other than the refauxree controversy in the NFL (which the Pix refuses to discuss any further......maybe), the only story of real note was the dude in California who settled his domestic dispute with the Mrs. by tying her up, strangling her, and then disposing her body by cooking her in the restaurant kitchen that they owned together. Normally the Pix wouldn't care about this, but lately Ol' Pixie's inbox has been filled with requests for relationship advice. Who knew? It appears that the birdpulation is in need of assistance, and as always, the Pix is here to help.

Dear Pix,
This week's sports lineup is the biggest of the year....Ryder cup, college football, pennant races and Patriots....how can I maximize my dear husband's viewing schedule? Am I a bad wife if he misses any of these important events?
Amy C

Dear Amy,
There's really no way to get around the last part of your question. The answer is yes, but the Pix is here to help make sure that this potential calamity doesn't happen. While your dear husband is watching the Ryder cup at work today, hire someone to move the 40" lcd into the same room as the 70" so he always has one screen to view with live action. Then make sure all the remotes are properly charged and synched. I'm assuming that since you are rightfully paying proper homage to this sacred weekend that you have already prepared the food and beverage portion of the program. Amirite? Finally, the children need to know their schedules. Again, I assume you have been rehearsing this all week....one child at a time in the viewing theater. No more than 1 question per half hour, two during bathroom breaks. Your welcome.

Dear Pix,
I was at Crosby's yesterday in the 8 items or less line and while I was paying by check for a rice flour baguette and some gluten free yogurt while I struck up a 5 minute conversation with the cashier about what a nice day it was outside. There was a man behind me in line who appeared agitated. What should I have done?
Signed,
Duh
Dear Duh,
On the one hand the Pix thinks you should have run outside and lit yourself on fire. On the other hand, the Pix understands that if you are desperate enough for companionship that you behave as if a $4.23 transaction should be treated as if it were the treaty of Versailles, you should at least have the time to write out your will bequesting your 4 cats to your aunt then proceed to the parking lot to light yourself on fire. Thanking you thanking the Pix.

Minn +4 over Detroit
Atl -6 over Carolina

Dear Pix,
I hear you like Mimosas. What's the best way to make one?
Signed,
Mo B.

Dear Mo,
Funny you should ask. The Pix could write 5 pages on this topic, but will try to condense this answer to the essentials....First of all, let whomever you are preparing this elixir for sleep in a long as he wants. The tongue crust that builds up between 9 and 11 am releases enzymes that when in contact with bubbly orangey deliciousness cause a chemical reaction described by some scientists as "pleasing" and/or "pleasurable". The recipe:
1. Prepare a gallon of freshly squeezed orange juice and freeze in ice trays the night before.
2. Fill a 16 oz. tumbler with orange juice ice and fill half way with a modestly priced Proseco. Then top off with a shot of Grand Marnier liqueur and a little more freshly squeezed juice. This is the perfect Pix Mimosa. In extreme emergencies (like this Sunday, or any other time) add a shot of vodka. DO NOT attempt to serve this nectar in a feeble champagne flute. The Pix has spoken.
Dear Pix,
Last weekend I made eggs Benedict with Canadian bacon rather than grilled sausage patties. What is the proper punishment for this?
Anonymous
Dear "Anonymous"
It really offends the Pix when I get emails like this. Food substitutions that are this self evident really need to be anticipated for the evolution of birds to continue along its proper path. Canadian bacon is a plague upon us all and must be eradicated from the face of the earth. The fact that Ahmadinejad didn't even address this in his speech to the UN this week proves once and for all his complete and utter insanity. The Pix isn't comparing you to Mahmoud per se, but you PLEASE have to stay on top of these things. And don't even mention The Thomas' English abortions vs. Bay's delicious muffins. The Pix can only take so much.

SF -4 over Jets
KC +1 over SD
Denver -6 over Oakland

Dear Pix,
Recently my three oldest children have all left for school and I find myself for the 1st time in 18 years or so with more time to myself. I have rediscovered a liquid called Chardonnay and am strangely having a really good time. Should I feel guilty about this?
Signed, Confused on Coolidge Rd.

Dear Confused,
Since the Pix has no way of knowing who emails these are from, sometimes the Pix has to make wild guesses.....this is one of those times. Here's what you need to do: First of all, get your husband (again, Pix has no idea who you may be), if you have one, playing Monday night paddle again. The team is thin this year and he needs to eat more Chinese food. Second, to help assuage your loneliness around the house, the Pix recommends you ask some young nieces and nephews over for 10 hour play dates on Saturdays and Sundays. The Pix is worried that your sudden transition from having no time to yourself to copious amounts could lead to irrational behavior like getting a dog or some such disaster. Check thyself before you wreck thyself.
And your garage fridge is out of Bud Lights. Just sayin'....

Ok, the Birds will have to fend for themselves while we turn to important analysis of the 1-2 record for the Patriots. At first the Pix wanted to blame the refauxrees for completely handing games to the Cardinals and Ravens. The Pix hasn't seen cheating that bad since Diane Lane got worked by that French dude in the movie where Richard Gere kills him. You know that movie? Anyhoo, it's now obvious that the Guru is lying in the weeds and letting the rest of the league get overconfident. The Pix wouldn't be surprised if he went as far as losing on purpose in Buffalo this weekend. Like the Pix, the Guru is going old school this year.....focusing on defense, getting hit with massive fines, just a brilliantly executed plan of misdirection and subterfuge. When all is said and done, the Guru will lead his team into New Orleans this February.

Bills +4 over Pats


Enjoy the games everyone and keep the Mimosas coming.

Pix out.