Happy holidays and New Year from the Pix. As we contemplate what 2013 may bring, the Pix has decided to unveil my micro and macro predictions for the coming annus mirabilis. Naturally, these predictions come with the full money back guarantee of your annual subscription price for the Pix. Which only one person has ever paid. A gin and tonic from Tom Erskine in 2009. Thanks Tom. As for the rest of you...get yourselves together. The Pix:
Vikings +3 over Pack. 2013 begins with the US gubmint sending us over the fiscal cliff.....followed by precisely nothing consequential happening. Congress and the President eventually reach a deal in mid January. Yawn. With the media having nothing new to hyperventilate over, a new and more troublesome problem emerges....the GeoThermal Hemorrhoid. Debates rage over whether the GTH is a result of global warming, kissing lesbians, or American Idol getting cancelled. Scholars and NASA ultimately conclude that is was a computer virus written by 6th graders who got sick of uploading Gangam style parodies to You Tube. The world breathes a sigh of relief. Stock in Preparation H plummets after increasing 5 fold between Martin Luther King day and the Toyotathon. White people rejoice that MLK day isn't cancelled and the lifts at Sugarloaf stay open.
Chiefs +16 at Donkeys. Mike Kryzewski succesfully (say that 10 times fast) sues the Pix over the name of my horse, "Mike Kryzewski is a douche bag". Pix changes name to Mike is a db. MIDB surprisingly wins the Kentucky Derby causing the web site IMDB to sue the Pix. Pix settles out of court but insists that IMDB gives Elizabeth Shue movies higher ratings and that any record of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" be removed. Forever.
Seattle -10 over Rams. After his epic run of success with hit tv show on the Food network, "Triple D", Guy Fieri pitches a new concept to the Food network called "Double D's" along with co-hosts Sophie Dee (google her, welcome back, thanking you for thanking Pix) and Anne Burrell. Ratings, unfortunately, begin to fall after writers run out of large round fruits to focus on and the show is relegated to the Cooking network which apparently nobody outside of Brooklyn gets.
Jets +3 at Bills. After nobody picks up Tim Tebow following his release from the LOL Jets, Timmeh joins the CFL. No, not Canada, the Christian Football League. Mega preacher and baked groundhog look alike Joel Osteen launches the CHFL in the summer of 2013. Tragedy and comedy ensue after the Charlotte Collection Plates run a cartoon of Tebow bowling over the prophet Muhammad. Chick fil-A founder and Collection Plate owner S. Truett Cathy is kidnapped and subsequently released by muslim employees who support gay marriage and irony. Cathy then cuts Tebow after he refuses to play on the punt team and is photo'd one too many times with his shirt off.
Bears -3 over Lions. "Serendipity 2" is the surprise box office hit of 2013. Quentin Tarantino rejuvenates the career of John Cusack who stars as Dug Cunningham, a frustrated venture capitalist who buys the Hostess corporation out of bankruptcy and patiently awaits for Apple to release the iTV and for marijuana to be legalized in all 50 states. Once this confluence of events occurs, our protagonist re-launches the Twinkie brand resulting in Hostess going public in an IPO that exceeds the market cap of Facebook and First Marblehead combined. In addition, Cusack shares a romantic scene with Helen Mirren resulting in an "UN" (unfortunate nudity) rating. Even stranger, Cusack attends the premier with Dorothy Hamel.
Ravens +3 over Bengals. Pix and the official wife briefly separate over what court documents refer to as "irreconcilable punctuality issues". The quirky couple reconcile after a chardonnay truck jack knives on the Lynnway and ESPN flexes a November Pats/Donkeys matchup to Monday Night, allowing the Pix to miss the C paddle away match at Dedham. Don't worry if you didn't get that joke....
Colts +7 over Texans. Anthony Bourdain discovers the Pix and launches a new show called "Shit Tons of Reservations". In the show, Tony, Pix and Russian sidekick Zamir travel to Portland, ME to take Zumba classes and investigate the mysterious 2010 fire that ruined the topless donut shop that used to be on the way to Will and Lexi's cabin. Pix leaves show after one episode citing lack of editorial control. Eventually, the truth emerges that Zamir preferred Meryl's tuna tatare to Pix's. (Which, despite being vaguely accurate, is not to be discussed in the presence of the Pix)
Washington -2 over Dallas. Despite no athlete ever coming out of the closet during their career in the Big 4 professional sports, openly gay players come out in all 4 sports in 2013. In fact, 2013 becomes the year that it officially becomes uncool to be straight. Alex Rodriguez begins the closet evacuation. Followed by Derek Jeter, Robinson Cano, Nick Swisher (what took you so long, Nick?), Breet, Lebron, The Montreal Canadiens, Dirty Sanchez, Dwight Howard, Ndomukong Suh, and in 2013's finest moment, the Women's Olympic handball team from the Netherlands.
That is all for now. The Pix Playoff Preview may or of course may not come out next week. My everybody have a safe New Year and thanks for reading the Pix in 2012.
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