Marblehead Mass: 5-6-15. 6:39 pm. After 2 years of tense negotiations, The Pix is now able to report that the Pix has signed the Pix to a 1 year contract. Effective immediately.....
Let's state the obvious. The Pix has missed you all. Missed the week to week opining on all things NFL. While the Pix was away, it was indeed nice to know that the more things change the more they stay the same. The Ravens love to smoke weed and beat women, The Donkeys love to smoke weed and make excuses for their noodle armed playoff choker, the Jets are the Jets, and the 31 teams not owned by Robert Kraft will spend more time whining about the greatness of the Patriots than they will tending to their own business.
And that's all fine and good with the Pix. Now that the Guru has led the Pats to his fourth championship, now that Brady has established himself atop the Pantheon of all QB's, and now that the franchise in general can lay claim to being the greatest organization in the most popular and competitive sport in America......bring on the haters. And as of today they are coming big time, with torches lit, the tar warming up and the feathers at the ready. So the Pix is returning starting in September with our weekly prognostications and observations. For now, just so the Pix can shake off the cobwebs, lets get into Deflategate. The Pix doesn't want to get too deep into the Wells report, but let's just take the operative phrase, "It's more likely than not" and take it for a little walk....Pix style....
Baltimore Ravens: It's more likely than not that you should probably keep your mouths shut. You lose your top running back due to the most public example of battery in the history of video, your top defender poured acid on his baby mama and dragged her by her hair down the street while he drove, and your head coach evidently doesn't know the rules of the game. It's more likely than not that the citizens of your lovely city, with their looting and rioting are just getting ready for their next Ravens tail gate. You blew 14 pt leads TWICE to the Guru and your excuse was trickeration? It's more likely than not that you will go 8-8 with the rest of your mediocre division. Wicked sorry.
New York Jets: It's more likely than not that the Pix will miss Rex Ryan with gang green. While the Pix was away, your quarterback tried to shove the ball up his guards ass and somehow the Patriots ended up with 6 points. The Pats then traded a 69th round pick for your former franchise player and added another Lombardi trophy. That's like Brady stealing your bird, making an awesome porno with her, selling it to Vivid for 10 million and giving the bird back. You can have her, I think we are all done here. It's more likely than not that you will go 6-10 and Revis sprains his uvula. (that's not what you think it is).
Seattle Seahawks: Aren't they cute? While the Pix was away Pete Carroll and his merry band of adderrall addicts snuck in a Super Bowl win and kept the Lombardi warm for a year. It's more likely than not that salary cap reality kicks in when you have to sign Wilson to a real contract. It's also more likely than not that your first round draft pick who was kicked out of Michigan for that rare football crime of.......beating the shit out of a woman......runs afoul of the law again. But maybe Marshawn Lynch, he of the domestic assault, DWI, hit and run, and felony gun charge can straighten the youngster out. It's more than likely, however, that, um, no. Just no.
Denver Donkeys: It's more than likely that Peyton breaks all of Breet's records, goes 14-2 in the regular season, gets blown by Peter King live at halftime, gets blown by Pheel Seems during the Kia motors post game Manning Worship show, and then blames an injury nobody had prior knowledge of after he noodle arms his way to another epic playoff choke.
As for Ted Wells and the rest of the NFL stooges, it's more likely than not that the Patriot's decade of domination has created such a state of league wide jealousy that most NFL participants would accuse the Pats of kidnapping the Lindberg baby if they saw a plane fly overhead. Suspend Brady? For what, being too awesome? It's more likely than not that the Pix' head explodes before this deflate gate bullshit is through. The Pix will wait for Roger Goodell to piss down his pants and punish the Pats once the court of public opinion (everyone's ass the Pats religiously kick) weighs in. Maybe they can send NE to the CFL for a season.....don't think the Colts haven't suggested it.
Either way, the Pix is back. The season can't start soon enough. Bring on the haters...
**follow the Pix on twitter @thepixs as the Pix attempts to make up for lost time. The Pix came close to calling Bill Plaschke a douche bag today. Good times.
Your turn Roger......
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