Week 3

The Pix is unavailable for his normal weekly commentary. Information remains sketchy, but TMZ has reported that he and Dorothy Hamill were remanded to an undisclosed location after a webcast incident involving a leather reclining chair.

To maintain continuity, DrBizzle - analogy rainman, outcomes junkie, and Muser on Important Themes - has been summoned from the crows' nest of the Galleon Pix to provide commentary.

Caveat emptor.

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OK. Before we get into spread picks and other navelgazing, we need to treat our mailbag, which has been bursting with Pats' hopes and fears after two short weeks. Accordingly, we offer

Hopes 'N' Fears: A 2015 Pats Mailbag

(Note: the And in the subtitle was shortened to 'N', to set a more playful, lighthearted tone for the remainder of this post. So that when we conjure images of, say, Roger Goodell forced to wear a cutoff Grogan jersey and suck a diarrhea frappe through a giant pink swizzle straw, it'll seem more, you know, family-friendly and stuff.)

Hope: the Pats will find someone to play tight end opposite Gronk, to bring back the 2 TE offense. Maybe a hybrid 'joker' in the Hernandez tradition. With that firmly in place and Edelman in the slot, opposing defenses will need 13 or 14 players to cover the flat, and Brady will throw for 600 yards every game. Verdict: Maybe...ish. Chandler is as big as Gronk, and creates similar red zone matchup issues. He seems to fill the role that the farseers among you had penciled in for Jake Ballard a couple years ago.

Fear: the Pats' depleted cornerback roster is a disaster waiting to happen. Verdict: Still out. Butler is making a go of living up to unfair expectations. Logan Ryan periodically expresses his right-place-right-time gene. After that...well, that's why we keep our fridges stocked with Queenos.

Hope: Dion Lewis will scratch the Darren Sproles itch that Patriot Nation has had under their short shorts for many moons. Verdict: we're too aflutter right now to render an objective opinion. The Magic 8-Ball says 'ASK AGAIN LATER'.

Fear: will Brady still be as good this year without deflated balls? Verdict: Oh, what do to with this toxic little shiv masquerading as an innocent question. You should have sent it in crayon. Do the words 'Belicheat' or 'Cheatriot' give you an endorphin release? Send you groping for the pump lotion? We can't help you, but you can help yourself.

And now to the Big Tent...

Week 3 Picks

Pats -13.5 over Jaguars. The Pix regularly indulges in a Patriot 'reverse jinx' by taking the opponent and the points. While a powerful occult ritual, DrBizzle prefers the direct approach here, and would give 70 points and a whole sideline full of ball-heating microwaves, just to take the Pats. In any case, The Pix is somewhere hogtied with figure skate laces, and won't be putting up a fuss right now.

Atlanta -1.5 over the flaming heap of Cowboy aspirations.

Jets -2.5 over Iggles. Bradford looks like Longfellow's girl with the curl on her forehead. And Chip Kelly looks like it's been too long since he licked Princess Leia's bikini.

Pittsburgh -1.5 over St. Louis. After a stunner in Week 1, the Rams in week 2 revealed that they may in fact still be the Rams. Except when they play Seattle.

Carolina -3.5 over Saints. What is happening in New Orleans? Jesus.

Donkeys -3.5 over Lions. Ndamukong Suh left Detroit with a red Chevy Coupe full of defensive mojo, but it arrived empty in Miami. Mulder & Scully are interviewing Appalachian weirdos who claim they saw the mojo sucked "right outta them car" into a wormhole.

Bengals +2.5 over Ravens. Ravens win by 1 but lose vs spread.

Oakland +3.5 over Cleveland. If you choose Manziel to lead your team, turn to page 68...if you choose....wait, hold on, the phone's ringing

Bucs +6.5 over JJ Watt and his merry band of blunt instruments.

Green Bay -6.5 over KC.

Colts -4.5 over Titans. A Statement Game Warning has been issued for the counties surrounding Nissan Stadium in Nashville, Tennessee. One way or the other, expect to be treated to sports anchors lathering themselves up with words like 'statement', 'prove', 'erase doubts', etc.

Cardinals -6.5 over SF. Cards firing on all cylinders. The Niners' Run Forrest Run offense isn't going to cut it here. Expect catch-up downfield bombs to Anquan 'Use To Catch Downfield Bombs From Flacco' Boldin, and Torrey 'No Shit? Me Too' Smith.

Bears +14.5 over Seahawks. Approximately 0% of survey respondents expect Chicago to successfully pick a booger in CenturyLink, let alone win a football game, but 14.5 is a Patriotesque spread to cover. Those don't always work out so well. Please reread pick #1 to resolve any cognitive dissonance.

Fluffalo +2.5 over Miami. The Bills have a giant shoulder chip (see Jets 2009-10) which has not yet undergone radioactive decay into buffoonery and mediocrity (see Jets 2011-2014).

San Diego vs Hufflepuff. One or the other, we guess. Do you care, really, outside of fantasy, and the DraftKings bikini models crawling up your legs?

Good Hunting,

-DrBizzle