The Pix is taking a bit of a left hand turn this week. There will be no (or a little) profanity, and probably a lot less humor....you have been warned.
We all know instinctively that most television news and advertising is.....bad, negative, discouraging, scary, disingenuous.....all that. But really, it's so much worse. It's pure poison. Almost ALL of it. The Pix knows that you know this, but just this week the Pix ran a little experiment and needs to share it: Here's the deal....
The Pix is a fossil. Due to having one working knee and an expanding waist line, the only thing the Pix can do other than go on a diet and stop enjoying vitamin V (not happening) is to walk on the treadmill for a solid hour every afternoon. To make matters more depressing, the Pix now listens to audio books while on the treadmill (ever try to WALK while listening to music? Too Richard Simmonsesque). Like most gyms, big screen TVs are set up so the cardio queens can watch whatever they watch while do whatever they do. After the Pix was on this walking jag for a few weeks it occurred to your dear writer that Pixie, while shedding a lb or two, was getting more and more depressed. Hence last week's installment, blast, profanity-laden diatribe. Fortunately, the Pix figured it out. Try watching/not watching..... just sort of observing three television channels at a time. No sound, just reading and absorbing the headlines and advertisements. And by the way, only two TVs are on news stations, the third is on ELLEN. ALWAYS ELLEN. And she's usually in the middle (more on her later).
Here's what the Pix learned from paying a little more attention to this odd trifecta: OMG we are all going to go bankrupt/get sick/die like really soon. Like this week.
Left TV, CNBC.....according to CNBC (Continuously Negative Broadcasting Network) your finances are going to Zero. Remember, the Pix is only reading the screen, so the words BUBBLE, PLUNGE, DIVE, CRASH are pretty much how everything is described. And the commercials are even worse. Have you ever heard of MESOTHELIOMA? TRANS VAGINAL MESH? Well, you should have, because judging by the constant adds from the class action lawyers, we must all have that shit. You think Geico and Draft Kings clog up the airwaves? When we are audibly assaulted by ubiquitous insurance or fantasy football ads we normally just change the chanel....for whatever reason we don't notice all the class action lawyer poison.
Remember, middle TV, ELLEN. God bless that kooky bird.
Right TV, ususally local news, or CNN. Shool shooting, ISIS, school shooting, Putin, school shooting, TRUMP. Ads for Hair loss, Fan duel, another one of any ad that basically fits the genre of SCARE THE OLD PEOPLE. Fire, school shooting, pro athelete crashing car or beating up a woman, school shooting. The Pix won't go on, you get the gist. And you all know this stuff. But when the Pix is on that treadmill just scanning from left to right and back again, it really surprised even the most cynical person the Pix can think of, the Pix, that we really are getting force fed an intergallactically massive fire hose of negativity. Because it sells, right?
So let's lighten the mood here with my girl, ELLEN. From what the Pix can gather, the only thing this wonderful bird does is dance, hug people and give away prizes to kids. Everyone who comes on the show as a guest has to dance their way on to the set, where ELLEN then joins them in dancing and then they sit in comfy chairs and smile and laugh. If we could stream ELLEN over every media spectrum to the Middle East, ISIS would drop their weapons and start dancing in about a week. (The Pix just glance at the muted TV in the office, "Mother of Murdered Toddler speaks out". In other words, it must be Friday morning......).
So sorry for the rant, and like the Pix mentioned, you all instinctively know this. But try muting your TV for 10 minutes some time and chanel surf......Pixie thinks you'll be surprised.....and you will need you some ELLEN!!!
The Pix:
Houston +5 over Miami: Apparently this new Dolphins coach has really inspired his players. He's going to CHANGE THE CULTURE and HOLD PLAYERS ACCOUNTABLE.....AS MEN. Dear lord.......yawn. Every interim coach wets himself in week 1 trying to be the tough guy. Wash, rinse, repeat....the Dolphins are a cess pool and the huge turd in the middle of it all is Ndomikong Suh.
Michigan -3 over Mich St: Yes, the Pix knows this game was last week, but BWAHAHAHAHH. AH AHA HA HAH!!!!! The Pix promises you that Jim Harbaugh has not had a bowel movement this week. Maybe not even this month, but DEFINITELY not this week. That's gotta hurt, or at least be extrememly uncomfortable.
Arizona -7 over Baltimore: BWAHAHAHAHAHHAH. The Ravens!
Minn -2 over DET: Again, glancing at the TV.....a road rage story on top and underneath the scroll describes Jared Fogle's plea deal....good times.
Cleveland +6 over Rams: So Johnny Manziel was drinking again, driving over 100 mph, and his bird tried jumping out of a moving car. And the bruises she had were from Johnny Football trying to stop her from...jumping out of the car....hmmmmmm, seems about right.
Jax +5 over Buffalo: Didn't take long for the Rex show to get old in Buffalo, did it?
Philly + 4 over Carolina: The media is going to sprain something sensitive as they all jump on the Kitty's bandwagon all at once. Pix may have even seen Mark Brunell on NFLSPN crying and apologizing to Cam for (sniff, sniff) doubting him. The Pix will wait another week or so before we hand the Lombardi trophy to the Panthers and the MVP to Cam.
Pitt - 2 over KC: This line is weird. Oh, wait, Landry Jones is involved? Well then, KC +2 over Shittsburgh.
Atlanta -3 over TENN: Ratings outside Atlanta should be somewhere between CSI: Green Bay and Lincoln Chaffeee UNPLUGGED.
Indy -4 over NO: The Colts were cute, weren't they? With their deflate gate signs and finalist banners. The Pix can neither confirm nor deny that the Colts hung two new banners on Monday. WE LED AT HALFTIME, and WE COVERED THE SPREAD. The Pix won't even mention the FUNT or, as the Pix prefers, WHAT THE CHUCK.
Jets +9 over Pats: Reverse Jinx? NOOOOO. NEVER. Actually, the Pix is simply grabbing 9 points here and figures the Jets can back door cover the line like the Colts did. That's all. The Jets will go up 7, the Guru and Brady will adjust, deliciousness will be consumed, Pats will roll, and the Pix will make a pot roast. Or pasta in a garlic sauce. Maybe lamb. Something Yummy. Thanking you.
See you Monday, ELLEN, Pix out.
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