12/29/06

After a two week hiatus, the Pix are back. Permanent retirement was
being condsidered, but then Mike Tyson was arrested for DUI and cocaine
posession and, well, that's just too much of a good thing to let go by
without comment. With the passing of President Ford, lots of lists have
been written recently of those we have lost in 2006. Since that's been
covered, the Pix would like to make a different list. Here's a short
sample of folks whom the Pix would like to see die in 2007:

Michael Irvin.......I had a dream where Irvin and TO were picking up
Nate Newton upon his release from prison (he was arrested for posession
of a truck load of weed) and made their way to a gentleman's club. They
then ran afoul of Tank Johnson and his new possee. The ensuing
conflagration resulted in a whirlwind of lead, rendering the pipemaker
and BO mort.

Nicole Ritchie.....if the paparazzi insists on stalking quasi celebs in
pursuit of the inevitabe beaver shot, why are they punishing us with
pictures of this heinous anorexic skank? I hate her and her hair lipped
father.

Joe Buck......I'm kind of ripping off the sports guy here, but aren't I
allowed to hate him on my own? This sanctimonious weasel should not be
allowed to ruin his good father's name. I swear on the bible that if I
ever see him in person I will walk right up to him and kick him in his
ovaries.

Joe Theisman and Paul Mcguire. I'm not afraid of hell per se, but if
hell means having to listen to these two call a Packers-Falcons
game.......well, then I'm really afraid of hell. Which leads me to
..........

Breet....I this guy plays the slurping game again this offseason I'm
driving to his house, making Big Al eat a block of cheddar and a bowl of
chicken chili with a dollop of sour cream and locking him in Breet's
bathroom. That'll fix him. The Pix....

Pats +3 over Tenn....Here's a dirty little secret about VY. HE CAN'T
THROW THE FOOTBALL. Assume Belichick has figured this out.

Wash +3 against Giants....I have a theory. Eli is gay. That's why his
dad orchestrated a trade to New York and that's why all his teamates
treat him, um, strangely. Think about it. You know I'm right.

Buff +9 against Baltimore. The Ravens are bigger frauds than that
church leader in Utah who was paying for gay sex and crystal meth.

Chi -3 over Pack. They moved the game to 8 o'clock so the nation can
have one giant last slurpathon over Breet. Until next year. Just so
you know, he's 6 interceptions away from passing George Blanda for the
all time record. But he's having fun, right? RIGHT?

Pitt +6 over Cinci. After the game, a massive s.w.a.t. team is called
in to arrest the rest of the Bengals. Then Cowher will fly to a
secluded location and join Breet to decide whether or not to come back
next year. They are like Herpes. They always come back after a good
slurping.

Dallas -12 over Detroit....Romosexual nation is worried about the
playoffs. They should be. Add the Tuna to the guest list in Breet's
cabin.

Cleve +4 over Houston. Um, does Romeo Crennel look big to anyone?

Indy -9 over Mia. Just for the record. Saban goes to Alabama. Colts
beat Jets in playoffs and lose to Ravens in 2nd round. Whoever wins the
NE SD game beats Ravens and wins superbowl. Eli is still gay.

Jags +2.5 over Chefs. Big Al just went to Foodies for chili. An anient
ice cap just broke off from the Canadian arctic. Unrelated stories? Me
thinks not.

Rams -2.5 over Minn. EW is reporting that Victoria Principal is single
again. I've sort of used up my hall passes but thought you guys might
want to know. She was underrated.

Saints +3 versus Carolina. I know Brees has had a good year, but that
birth mark on his face is distracting. In other news, Johnathan Edwards
anounce his presidential candidacy from a hurricane ravaged section of
New Orleans. Subtle. So Gore will anounce from the arctic, Kerry will
anounce from Tikrit and Hilary will anounce flanked by Rosie O'donnel
and Ellen Degeneres.

Oak +13 vs Jets. Let's just say I don't think Chad and Eli are in the
same city by coincidence.

Atl +8 vs Philly. No Jeff Garcia joke here. He's dating Carmela
Decesare. Google her. Images. Your welcome.

Sea +3.5 over Tampa. Rumor has it that Michael Jackson is moving to
Vegas to revive his career. I guess he found out that sleeping with
little boys doesn't really go over that well in Dubai. I never really
understood that move. Women have to wear burkas, but Welcome diddlers!

Donkey's -10 over SF. You heard that Dominic the Donkey song over
Christmas, didn't you? And you thought of the Pix. That's sweet.

AZ +13 vs SD. Note to Jason Taylor. I wouldn't piss off Shawn Merriman
if I were you. Cheating on Zack Thomas' sister is one thing, but
insulting a roided up Merriman is more stupid than pausing for a half
second if your wife asks you how she looks in her jeans. Seriously, it
doesn't matter what you say afte that. It's all about the pause.

That's it for the Pix this year. Hope you enjoyed them. Happy new year
to all..........except Breet.