12/8/06

"Every kiss begins with Kay...." The holiday season is upon us and so
begins the relentless force feeding of jewelry commercials over the
airwaves in pursuit of blackmailing and bribing men everywhere to rid
them of dollar bills better spent supporting local dancers. If the
$11.99 cubic zirconia heart pendant from Bradlees wouldn't get me to
second base with Monique Mancini in the 6th grade, nothing from Kay
jewlers is going to help me out either. And, FYI, Monique had a pretty
sweet rack for 6th grader. Alas, Monique thought my advances were
inappropriate. What I find even more inappropriate are the various
advertising lies perpetrated on the unsuspecting public as we try to get
brain dead in front of the tube and find ourselves vulnerable to their
devious methods of coercion. Here are some more of my favorites:

"Mikey I will save you Money".....is he serious? This dude on the
Lynnway peddling used (oh, I'm sorry) pre-owned vehicles is just about
the last guy in the world I would buy a car from. He's obviously stolen
his fathers one sport coat and has hastilly filmed this commercial that
his buddy wrote in less time than it takes for me to write the pix. And
if he's saving me so much money, why does he have all those hundos
fanned out in his hand? God bless him.

"You can trust Ira"....Really? Something tells me not to.

"800-588-2300 Empiiiire........Today". How about never.

"Diamonds are Forever". Um, actually, they aren't. The Pix.......

Dirty Birds -3 over Tampa. I think it's worth noting here that Mike
Vick got sued for giving a woman the herp while using his alias of Ron
Mexico in the offseason. Just in case you didn't know that.

Cinmates -11 over Raiders. Rookie wide receiver Reggie Mcneil was the
7th Bengal to be arrested this year. Apparently he had a disagreement
with a bouncer at a "club". Congrats, Reggie.

Eagles -1.5 at Skins. Britney apologized yesterday on her web site for
"taking things too far" while partying with homegirls Lindsay and Paris.
Odds on the next hollywood D lister flashing kitty next are, in no
particular order, Connie Chung, Justine Bateman and Bea Arthur.

Giants +3 over Panthers. True Story...some lady farted on a plane last
week and lit a match to mask the odor. The plane emergency landed
because someone smelled the match. I don't have a joke here. The
lesson, as always, women are crazy.

Lions -2.5 over Vikings. What's with the Vikings' purple pants. I had
purple pants in the 80's. I also listend to "Men at Work" and had a
mullett fashioned after Frisco from General Hospital. Good times.

Colts -1.5 over Jags. So NASA thinks they saw water on Mars. I think
the gov't should spend more time probing Uranus. Thanks. I'll be here
all week.

Ravens +3 over Chefs. If Herm Edwards hung out with Ron Mexico, they'd
call him Herp Edwards.

Titans +1.5 over Texans. Think Houston fans wish they had the draft to
do over again with Vince Young coming to town?

Miami +3.5 over Pats. Seriously, Matt Light is a turnstile. Why does
nobody bring this up? I'd rather be condomless in Haiti than have Matt
Light protecting my backside.

Seattle -3 over Cards. Katie Couric's colonoscopy would get higher
ratings.

SF -4.5 over Breet. Remember the Gap commercials from a few years ago
where all those hot chicks were jumping around and dancing? I wish
they'd bring those back.

Bills +4 over Jets. This is where the Mangenius starts to get a little
heat. Jets aren't for real, are they?

Chargers -7.5 over Donkees. Ding a ding ding (hee haw, hee haw) it's
Dominic the Donkey. La la la la the Italian Christmas Donkey. As Bill
Simmons would say, try getting that out of your head now.

Saints +7 over Cowboys. The Romosexuals are in for a surprise this
week.

Bears -6.5 over Rams. If a fat kid joins a school band, do they just
automatically give him the Tuba? What if he wants to play the flute?
Do they just tell him, "No, kid, you play the Tuba". Do you think he
figures it out?

How many years has the Toyotathon been running for, anyway? How come
the guy in the Toyotathon commercial never gets any older? I've never
been to a Toyota dealership, but if I walked into one and there wasn't a
Toyotahon going on I'd be confused at first and then feel kind of ripped
off. It might even drive me to see my boy Mikey I. Cuz, you know, he's
going to save me money.