(Courtesy of Dr. Fun, "Barney Frank has quit congress to pursue his dream job with the TSA")
.......the wacky world of car rentals, sitting alone in pitch black wilderness waiting for a creature to shoot.......these things are not in harmony with the Pix like Zen of sitting at the 3 Cod bar breaking down the Tampa 2 and slowly imbibing liquid intoxicant. Therefore, this week's Pix will be themeless and more random than Morgan Freeman trying to get FIFA to award the US with the 2022 World Cup.
Random, right?
In football news, the Patriots seem to have recovered nicely from their little trip to Cleveland. After wins over the Steelers, Colts and Kitties, it appears that the Guru has his young defense playing more aggressively and that Brady is proving that stealing Laurie Partridge's hair may or may not be an impediment to gridiron success.....
.....The Jets, on the other hand, are not fooling the Pix. Their 9-2 record is as legitimate as Sarah Palin's college credentials. The Texans, Broncos and Lions all had the Jets beat and then somehow found the most creative ways the Pix has ever seen to lose games. The Jets know they are frauds. Why else would a group of guys who have been shouting about themselves all year go as silent as they have? It reminds the Pix of one of his favorite lines from a country song, "If the phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me". Pats 31, Jets 9. The Pix has spoken.
.....And how about those Colts? Should they rest their starters or go for the undefeated record? Uh.....wait, they are 6-5 and look like they are ready for golf season. The Colts have been losing so much the Pix is concerned the veins on Peyton Manning's five head might rupture.
And the Pix isn't worried about the Ravens or Steelers. Even money says Ray Lewis stabs Big Ben while he attempts to rape another co-ed this weekend. Both get the prison time they deserve and the Pats sail into the AFC Championship game against........
Norvil and....
This asshat.
Good times thinks the Pix.
Moving on......there's no natural segue from the NFL to SkyMall magazine, so let's just tear the bandaid right off and go for it.
It occurred to the Pix while cruising at 37,000 feet after a few cans of deliciousness and two Ativan that the items in SkyMall magazine appear to be superfluous at best and an unfortunate verdict on the religion of American consumerism at least. Here are just a few samplings of SkyMall's offerings.....
The pet ladder for a humble $89.99 seems like money well spent, no? Why stop there? How about a brass, temperature controlled water bowl? The Pix knew a few of these types of folks from back in the hood growing up. If your dog has a pet step ladder there is a very good chance your furniture is covered in plastic and you wear flannel pajamas with your initials embroidered on them. And 20 bucks says the Pix can't find any Budweiser or single malt scotch in the house. Just saying'.
Or this must have...
$50.00 elbow pads for that nasty office chair that makes your bursitis flare up. Honestly, any society that thinks this shit up is, the Pix guarantees you, on it's final approach to ruin. But make sure you buy the car pads as well.....
they are extra $$$$.
But between all the accessories for half empty wine bottles, heated bath robes, monogrammed chastity belts and pain relieving cooling pillows.....one gift stood out above all others for the Pix.....
It's the $99.99 heated cat bed. Heated. Cat. Bed. The Pix is not making this up. Can you imagine the value in having the list of people who purchased this thing? The Pix will offer anyone a free lifetime subscription who can hack into the SkyMall data base and get the Pix this info. More than that, however, is the joke that has been rambling around inside of Pix' damaged dome for a few weeks. The Pix doesn't want to write it, because certain readers will not appreciate the indelicate nature of the verbiage.........but......joke.....must......come....out.
Folks, the Pix doesn't know much about these things, but if you are really desperate for some smoking hot pussy...............SkyMall magazine is probably not your best bet.
There, that's over with.
Ok, so evidently, Wendy's is giving their french fries a makeover. They are going from this...
To this....
Um, WHATEVER. But it did get the Pix thinking.........why do so many places fuck up their fries? And yes, that was profane given the Pix' usual abstinence from using profanity.......but seriously, how can so many places eff up their french fries??Consider these abortions.....
These are the two potato offerings by KFC.....the wedges and whatever they call those over cooked disasters beneath. The Pix has no idea what KFC is thinking. It's bad enough that nobody eats their chicken anymore and that they seriously consider coleslaw as a fast food side dish (kids love their mayo covered cabbage, don't they?)
Yum! And it is also bad enough that they insist on serving that weasel piss PEPSI and not delicious COKE, but to get the fry so terribly wrong is just an insult to all Americans. Really, KFC, it's not that hard. Ready?
BAM!! That's it. That's the french fry. Just copy it like these bastards did,
And you stand a reasonably good chance of someone actually paying for your chicken again. Get yourselves together KFC....
And for all you independent mom and pop lunch places across the nation, the Pix has a little advice for you, too. The Pix doesn't want your "interpretation" of the french fry. The fry should be...... Hot. Skinny. Golden. Just like the official wife......
Here's one exception the Pix will grant....
That's right, bitches......it's the crinkle cut. Just like "Friendly's" did it back in the day. But don't get weird and add some bullshit spices. Just salt. And no, Wendy's, not "sea salt", or Carribean island salt, or some fancified made up nonsensical Eurotrash salt. Just salt. Thanking you thanking the Pix. And yes, it has been a while (since last year, in fact) since the Pix has added anything to the "Jihad" list. So, indeed, the Pix is issuing the first "Fatwah" of 2010. The non Pix approved french fry will from here on out be considered the food of the infidel and death be upon all apostates and curly spiced fry eaters. The Pix has spoken once again.
(Told you the Pix is a little cranky this week, unlike this painfully pleasant bird)...
Random, no? Wait. This just in.....here's an update from the Swampscott Junior Prom committee.....
Wicked sorry. Suppose that joke should have been aimed at Gloucester....oh well....
The Pix is obviously getting punchy and running out of material.
Bet these games:
Ravens -3 over Turds
Pats -3.5 over Fat Turds
Buffalo +8 over Queens (Breet has been an ATM machine this year for Pix)
The Pix closes with a picture from last year's Swampscott Christmas Walk.........
Stay classy little blue. Contrasting with Mablehead Santa arriving by lobster boat.....
Which is where you will find the Pix this Saturday morning........before heading to upstairs Maddies to analyze and dissect the SEC Championship game.
See you there,
Random Pix out.....
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